healing your relationships, part 2

[notnotabouthim]

I've written about healing relationships before, but have fine tuned and super charged the process a bit, so thought I'd share it.

It works like this:

stage one
1. Ground yourself (not critical, but helpful

Comments

[fringekitty]

One of the big problems I think folks have with doing this kind of work is that issue of forgiveness--it can be a big stumbling block. In some cases, the individual may not be able to approach the idea of forgiveness without feeling very vulnerable; in this case the lack of forgiveness is used as a safety mechanism. In other cases, the individual may not be able to acknowledge that they have anything to forgive; they may deny their anger and resentment towards the other person because accepting it might mean they actually have to feel it.

What's great about these techniques is that they can be used regardless of where the person is on the issue of forgiveness. Whether the concept of forgiving seems impossible, not desirable or simply a non-issue, just "pretending" and working through the process can release tons of pent up emotional energy.

[notnotabouthim]

oh, I couldn't agree more!

It's often good, particularly with serious relationships (long, family, etc) to take it in stages. If forgiveness is hard, a good stepping process I've found is:

I accept you, even though you're a &%@#$^%#$
[some time later, when you've cooled down a bit]
I accept you
[muuuch later]
I forgive you

The process is really about working on yourself, since any feeling inside yourself are YOUR reaction, and actually NOTHING about the other person at all.

The other thing that's surprised the hell out of me is the times when I've needed to apologise for things I've done to the other person. Particularly in relationships where I've (until then) thought that all the pain was going in one direction.

When you realise how much you've been hurting the other person (in my case, how much I've hurt my parents over the years just amazed me. The callousness of youth, I'd guess), it becomes MUCH easier to forgive them for their indiscretions.

[seanfish]

Nice stuff here, thanks Si - particularly the edit at the bottom.

[notnotabouthim]

:)

[fringekitty]

I was trying to edit this, but couldn't. I guess the option to edit expires after a while?

I had two friends who were at the brink of breaking up their relationship. I meditated on clearing up any issues between myself and these two individuals (rather than trying to meditate on clearing up the issues between the two who were fighting). Shortly after meditating, I got a call from one of them saying they had resolved their problems and their relationship was back on track.

Now this can certainly be viewed as mere coincidence; however, the process certainly made me feel better while I was engaged in the activity. I was deeply concerned for them, and the meditation allowed me to process my anxiety over their relationship problems.

[notnotabouthim]

Not a coincidence. I've had exactly the same thing happen with people I know.

Re: proxy use

[notnotabouthim]

holy crap! That's AWESOME. Man, I never would have thought of doing that.. although, heh, one of my NY's resolutions (probably the only one actually, other than this Jan experiment thing) is to stop trying to help people. Heh.

Wow, that's so cool. I'm really impressed. What a great idea!

Re: proxy use

[fringekitty]

Thanks, it just seemed like a natural extension. I think we can all get a bit hung up on helping people, and sometimes what we think will help ends up doing the opposite or ends up hurting us instead. That's a huge frustration.

I think one of the key words in your New Year's resolution is trying. You don't have to try so hard to help people; you seem to do it naturally. Opportunities are ever-present. People will either be receptive or they won't, but don't let that stop you from making your own special brand of magic--Simagic! : )

Re: proxy use

[notnotabouthim]

Yep, you're right, 'try' is the key word