[Lamento] Between Two Thieves, Part 6
Title: Between Two Thieves
Fandom: Lamento - Beyond the Void
Part: 6/6
Rating: overall R
Characters/Pairings: Bardo, RaixKonoe
Warnings: violence, backstory spoilers
Disclaimer: Lamento belongs to Nitro+Chiral.
Notes: Thanks to akuma_no_kage for betaing, and sexual_ennui and jllai_smile for the moral support.
Summary: We tend to crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. ~ Fulton Oursler
Story Index | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Epilogue
Between Two Thieves
Chapter 6
The downstairs area was quiet and empty, as it always was in the hour before dinner was served. Bardo dawdled a little at the reception, flipping through the guest book and alternately glancing at the door to the dining room.
To tell the truth, he had been surprised that nobody was waiting for him at the front desk, but when he finally entered the dining room and found all the tables empty, with no sign of anyone around, he felt more than a little foolish. He had been so sure that a contemptuous Rai or a reproachful Konoe would be waiting for him to continue the events of this afternoon… not that he had expected Konoe to fight with him, but he had expected him to demand to know what was going on.
Unable to hold back a little sigh of relief, Bardo made his way to the kitchen, firing up the stove and piling the ingredients for the evening meal together. He was more grateful than he liked to admit that the conflict appeared to have been postponed for the moment, because as much as being with Mana had soothed his hurt feelings, it had also given him a lot to think about.
As he began peeling and cutting up the vegetables, he found himself preoccupied with their earlier conversation. Now that Mana had pointed it out to him, everything seemed so ridiculous. Remaking the past was impossible-he had not seen Rai in more than ten years, had not even known whether he was still alive until Konoe had appeared in their lives, and expecting those years of separation to simply disappear… If he was truthful, Bardo had to admit that he himself had never quite managed to make the strangeness go away, constantly trying to make the image of the child he had known fit the man Rai had become, so expecting someone as wary as Rai to just ignore-
A sharp pain in his hand interrupted his thoughts, startling Bardo into glancing down and discovering that he had cut his palm while peeling.
"Pfft, stupid," he muttered, bringing up his hand to lick at the cut, and quickly went in search of a bandage.
Serves you right, for zoning out while playing with knives.
Tying a clean dishrag around his hand, he resumed his work, resolutely focusing on the vegetables until they were safely in the pot and stewing. Once he was left with nothing to do except stirring the soup and waiting for dinnertime, however, his mind began wandering again.
Bardo knew that he would have to talk to Rai sooner or later; he had no idea when and how Rai had gotten it into his head that he was putting on an act, but he would have to do something about this assumption-waiting for Rai to figure out that he was wrong was a futile act, he recognized that now.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't that what they say?
The irony that it had taken Mana to point out the solution to the problem did not escape him. He had been so caught up in trying to avoid the past, to avoid conflict, that he had been unable to see the forest for trees.
I suppose in that, we really are alike. Just a little.
He would have to be really blunt with Rai-to grab the problem by the throat and disembowel it. It was something he was admittedly not very good at. He liked to wait until time presented a better solution than direct confrontation, but in this case, waiting any longer would only make it more painful. The sooner the entire misunderstanding was out of the way, the better. Bardo sighed, staring off into space as he wondered how he could possibly make Rai listen to reason.
The soup almost boiled over.
----
Having a plan and putting that plan into action were two entirely different things, Bardo found. He had spent the better part of a day carefully choosing his words, but finding the right moment to talk to Rai was difficult, since he really did not want to show up at his and Konoe's room and dramatically ask Konoe to give them some time alone together.
His chance finally came two days later when he was in the backyard, carefully straightening and hanging the freshly washed bed sheets on the clothesline.
"Bardo?" Konoe's voice rang from the backdoor.
He poked his head around the fluttering sheets and waved. "Over here!"
Konoe stepped outside, tugging the strings of his cloak closed around the fasteners. "I'm heading out to get Rai's shirt from the tailor. Do you want me to bring back anything?"
Konoe seemed to have decided not to address their fight at all, even though Bardo had little doubt that the young cat knew about it. He had been a bit worried what Rai might have told him in his anger and what sort of impression this would have given Konoe, but if there had been anything, Konoe did not let it on, his manner open and friendly.
"Hm, no," Bardo murmured, frowning a little as he mentally inventoried his kitchen. "No, I think I've got everything. Thanks for offering, though."
"Alright. I'll be going, then." Konoe turned around and disappeared back into the house.
Bardo stood looking after him for a moment, slowly letting the sheet he was holding sink back into the basket. Then, he shook his head, fishing it out again and continuing his task.
He took his time, too, although he was well aware that he was once again stalling, trying to avoid the issue. He had no illusions about the upcoming talk-it would be anything but pleasant, as Rai had always been hard to convince of anything, but work helped to calm him a little, easing the nervous knot in the pit of his stomach.
Carrying the empty basket back inside, he put it down on a chair in the reception area and began to climb the stairs, each of his steps so slow and heavy that it made the wood creak.
In front of Rai's room, Bardo took a deep breath, all too conscious of what a ridiculous sight he had to present, making such a huge production about what was, in essence, nothing more than a simple talk. He was acting as if he had to face a deadly enemy, which was precisely the appearance he did not want to give; it would only cause Rai to become confrontational.
He knocked against the closed door, the sound loud and sharp in the empty corridor.
No answer from within, not that he had expected one. Bardo pressed down on the handle.
Rai was sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs crossed, seemingly engrossed in a map. He made no move to acknowledge his visitor, but his ears were perked, the only sign that indicated he had even heard.
Bardo remained standing in the doorway, waiting for Rai to give him his attention. The man surely had developed a strangely passive-aggressive way of dealing with him-he had expected Rai to outright refuse him entrance, but this ambivalent reception made him uneasy. After a minute, he sighed.
"Rai?"
"Get lost," came the flat answer, Rai not even bothering to look up.
Bardo decided to ignore that, since this seemed to be Rai's default greeting for everyone except Konoe, and stepped into the room, closing the door.
"We should talk."
"We should? I thought I made myself clear the first time."
"It's important. I want-"
"I don't care what you want," Rai shot back, throwing him a sideways glare. "Get lost."
Bardo took another deep breath. "Listen, you need to at least-"
"I don't need to do anything."
"Damn it, Rai!" Bardo hissed, his frustration at being interrupted two words into a sentence getting the better of him. "Stop twisting my words before I've even had the chance to say anything! Why does talking to you always have to be so difficult?"
He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but it was too late. Rai rose from the bed with a growl, his eye flashing, his ears flattened to the top of his head. "I am difficult? I'm not the one who doesn't get when he should just go away. I'm not the one who insists on warming up this tired old charade. Are you getting some kind of kick out of this?"
"That's precisely what I want to talk to you about!" Bardo said, straining for calm in his voice. "I don't get why you think I'm pretending. I care about you, Rai. That's not-"
"You care about me? How stupid do you think I am? You care about as much for me as you did ten years ago," Rai sneered.
"Will you stop it?! If that's what this is about, I'm well aware that I've made a terrible mistake! And don't you dare think even for a second that I haven't spent the last ten years being sorry for it."
"Oh, really?"
Bardo made a choked sound that was half a growl, half a helpless laugh. "Yes, really! If I had known things would turn out like this- I never wanted- I did it for you, Rai!"
"So now it's my fault?!" Rai bit out, stalking forward with his fists clenched at his sides, causing Bardo to bristle and draw himself up to his full height despite himself.
"Damn it, Rai, that's not-!"
"Stop talking, old man. Just stop talking. You did it for me? You care about me? You were glad to be rid of me and I'll be damned if I'm going to play along just because you're getting soft in your old age! I won't be the one to ease your conscience for you. If you're so intent on fooling yourself, you can do it without me. I don't care about your sorry excuses. I'm through with this."
"Rai-"
"I'm through."
----
Chop-chop splash.
Don't think.
Chop-chop splash.
Don't think about it.
Chop-chop splash.
The vegetables are important now.
Cut off the roots and boil the tip.
Cut off the roots… and boil the tip.
Cut off the roots…
Chop-chop splash.
The roots aren't good to eat. They are dry like dust and taste bitter.
Pay attention to the roots.
If they are mixed in, everything will turn bitter.
Everything… just like…
"Damn it!" Bardo cursed, ramming the knife into the wooden chopping board.
The impact sent the remaining stalks rolling over the edge of the board and tumbling to the floor. With a great sigh, Bardo slumped over the kitchen counter, burying his face in his hands.
I'm through.
In the silence, the words slithered back into his consciousness, digging in their poison fangs. Those words had marked his defeat-in their face, he had found nothing he could say, no way to continue fighting what was, evidently, a hopeless battle. He had been prepared for an intense argument, for Rai's anger and resistance, but not for this. Not for that absolute certainty, that irrevocable hatred with which Rai had refused him, leaving him only with the realization that nothing he could say or do would be able to repair the damage that had been done.
That you have done, don't forget that. Since he seemed so adamant that you know.
Bardo had been so sure that he would be able to change Rai's mind about him if he told him the truth. He had hoped that they would be able to clear up this misunderstanding and go back to-even if not to the way things had been in the past-then at least back to being friends of some kind, to maintaining a civil relationship.
Was making that mistake so unforgivable? Does what I did disgust you so much, Rai?
And so, with nothing left to say, Bardo had done the only thing he could and fled, hoping to get away from that unforgiving stare. For the past several hours, he had been trying, and failing, to lose himself in his work and forget about that confrontation, but it seemed that the memory of that gaze and the echo of those words were waiting for him behind every wayward thought, ready to show him the sum of his failures.
Bardo pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and sighed deeply.
I thought… I really thought I could make things right. Why can't I ever make things right?
The soft sound of approaching footsteps jerked him out of his thoughts, and he turned his head towards the entrance.
Konoe hesitated in the doorway, tail swishing in indecision. "…Hey."
Bardo straightened a little. "…Hey. Come to chew me out?"
He had meant to smile as he said that, a façade in the face of another rift, but found that he was too tired.
Konoe's eyes widened. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"He must've told you by now," Bardo elaborated, waving his hand in mock casualness. "What I did. What kind of person I am."
"We… did talk, yes," the young cat replied, slowly stepping to his side.
"And?"
Konoe looked at him shrewdly. "And you should know me better than to expect me to deliver some kind of judgment upon you. There's more than one side to every story. There is Rai's, and there is yours. And once I know both, there will be mine. But not before." He smiled. "If you're willing to tell me, that is."
Bardo stared at him, not quite sure what to say. He had expected Konoe to rise to his lover's defense, as unforgiving as he seemed of others that had hurt Rai, but he not expected this gently curious voice, eyes that were watching him with concern instead of anger.
"I-" The words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "I don't know how much you know about… before."
"Rai said you have been taking care of him for a time."
"Heh, trying to is more like it," Bardo murmured self-deprecatingly. "I wasn't exactly doing a good job of it."
Konoe stayed silent.
"But… we were okay, mostly. I think. I hope. No idea how he sees it. I'm not sure it matters much in retrospect, anyway."
"…So what happened?" Konoe asked.
"I screwed up, that's what happened," Bardo said, clenching his fists. "I made a mistake, and then I tried to make up for it by making another mistake. I thought- I don't know what I thought. I was a fool… I just wanted to protect him. I thought everything would be alright if I- like I said, I was a fool. I just ended up chasing him away."
The sympathy in Konoe's gaze was almost too much to bear, so he lowered his eyes, staring at the floor and the scattered vegetables.
"He hates me now. He's convinced I did everything on purpose. And I don't know what to do to reverse that."
"You know… I don't think he does," Konoe said softly.
Bardo's head snapped back up to stare at him, certain that he had misheard.
Konoe gave a small smile, as if he was aware of his thoughts. "Rai's reasoning is… complicated, and not always entirely rational. Sometimes he convinces himself of crazy things and works on them until you grab him and make him look at you and yell in his face. You wouldn't believe some of the things he assumed about me at first."
"Things?" Bardo asked, looking at him curiously.
Konoe shook his head. "What Rai says and what he feels are often two different things. It doesn't help that he believes in attacking first." He sighed. "But what you said affected him, more deeply than you think. He's up there now, trying to sort through what's in his heart. It's not something I can help him with very much. That's why I came here… to let you know that he's thinking about it."
"I…"
Konoe smiled again. "Give him time, Bardo. He has ten years worth of issues to sort through."
"…What do you think he will decide?" Bardo finally asked, disliking how unsure his voice sounded, how he actually expected Konoe to answer.
"I can't say. But whatever it will be… I hope it works out. For both of you."
Bardo nodded quietly.
"And…" Konoe added, "I wanted to thank you."
"Huh?"
"For trying so hard for him. Rai… needs people like that."
Bardo blinked, then let out a laugh. "I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm hardly a good person. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm selfish. I-"
The words died in his throat when he suddenly found himself with an armful of Konoe, resting his forehead against his collarbone. He still stood frozen by the time Konoe's hands came to rest on his back, warm and a little awkward.
"Don't talk like that," Konoe said, voice muffled but firm.
Not knowing what to say was becoming a regular occurrence, it seemed. It might have been the tone in Konoe's voice, something that would not allow an argument, or it might have been the fact that this was the first hug he had received in ages, but Bardo found himself closing his mouth and cautiously placing a hand between Konoe's shoulder blades.
"Hey," he murmured eventually, finding his lips curling faintly at the thought. "Hey, aren't you worried what your man would think if he saw us like that?"
Konoe snorted and thumped his shoulder with his forehead. "Stupid."
----
Fingers trailed slowly through his hair, leaving pleasantly tingling trails against his scalp. Rai found it hard not to make any undignified noises, not to push his head into Konoe's hands to demand more. A part of him was quite certain that he should not have become so thoroughly distracted, almost wanted to resent Konoe for soothing his anger so easily. He did not even remember when Konoe had coaxed him to lie back on the bed, but would have found this more upsetting if it had not felt so damn nice.
Now that he was able to think rationally again, Rai could admit to himself that he had been making a scene, complete with yelling and an attempt at a dramatic departure from the hotel. He had been absolutely livid at the time, but now his behavior seemed more than a little childish to him. At least Konoe refrained from commenting on it.
At his side, Konoe shifted a little, straightening, and Rai knew then that he would not be able to get out of this without giving an explanation. Not that it was hard by any means to determine the cause of his mood, given what had happened a scant few days ago, but he had a feeling that Konoe would not allow himself to be so easily distracted this time around.
"So… what happened?"
Rai snorted. As far as conversation attempts went, this was quite ridiculous. "Can't you tell?"
"I'd rather you tell me."
He clenched his teeth, something of the old fury bubbling up inside of him. "I'm sick of the pushy old bastard acting like we're friends. The only thing he ever cared about was himself-I don't see why he's trying to cover that up with lies now."
Konoe frowned. "I… really don't think Bardo is someone who would lie about something like this."
Rai glared at him. "And how would you know that?"
Instead of reacting to his accusatory tone, Konoe merely looked pensive. "I've spent practically my entire life among cheaters and backstabbers. Almost everyone in Karou would've happily lied through their teeth if they had thought it would give them some kind of advantage. Bardo just isn't like that."
"Stupid cat," Rai growled, unable to hold his frustration at bay. "You weren't there, you've got no idea. He made himself perfectly clear ten years ago."
"About what?"
"That I was just a burden to him. He was glad to have me gone."
"Did he actually said that?" Konoe asked.
"Heh. No need for that. Some actions speak louder than words."
"And some actions need words to explain them," Konoe countered. "Maybe he did something without meaning to. Maybe he made a wrong decision without thinking about the consequences."
Hissing, Rai pushed himself up on his elbows, feeling all his calm evaporate in the face of his partner's stubborn insistence. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"
Konoe sighed. "This isn't about sides, Rai. You know I'm with you, always." He paused before continuing quietly, "I admit I don't know Bardo as well as you do, but… can you really say that you don't have any good memories of the time you've spent together? That you never felt safe or cared for?"
Rai stared at him, the angry words dying on his tongue. And Konoe seemed to take his silence for an answer.
"Is the idea that there might be a chance that things are not entirely the way you think… really so terrible? We misunderstood each other, too, at first, didn't we?"
"I… That's different," Rai said, hating how stupid that statement sounded.
"Why?" Konoe smiled, small and sad. "Can't other people care for you, too?"
"…Stupid cat," Rai muttered, turning away and shrugging off Konoe's hands. Silence descended over the room, Rai staring stonily at the opposite wall but still feeling his partner's eyes on him. Konoe was probably expecting an answer.
Eventually, he sighed. "Even if it is the way you say, what the hell do you want me to do?"
"I don't want you to do anything," Konoe replied. "This isn't about me, this is about you. About what you want."
If there was anything he hated more than stupid questions, it was unanswerable questions.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want," he huffed. "…It's been so long."
"Too long?"
Rai snarled. "I don't know."
Konoe shifted against him, leaning close and gently nudging him over on his back again. "That's okay. I'm not expecting you to answer me. As long as you can give the answer to yourself, that's all I want. So take your time."
Rai let out a heavy breath as Konoe's fingers tangled in his hair again. It really would have been much easier to go back to feeling angry, he reflected, if those hands had not felt so damn nice.
----
Above the rooftops, the day-moon's fading rays were painting the sky in vivid red and golden tones. Bardo had been sweeping the same spot on the back porch for the last few minutes, his attention more focused on the changing hues, his mind pleasantly empty for what felt like the first time in days.
The quietness felt peaceful, but when he heard the floorboards behind him creak, he could not say that the interruption was entirely unwelcome. He smiled.
"Evening, Konoe."
"Hmph. You're more senile than I thought if you can't distinguish between him and me," growled a voice that was distinctly not Konoe's, though the insult somehow sounded much less heated than it should have.
Bardo whirled around. "Rai!"
The white cat glared at him as if Bardo had been the one to intrude upon him instead of the other way around, tail lashing jerkily from side to side. If Bardo had not known better, he would have said that Rai was, of all things, uncomfortable.
They stared at each other in silence for a few moments, before Bardo cleared his throat. "I… you… Did you… need something?"
He had to work to keep the wariness, the nervousness out of his voice, acutely aware that this was the first time Rai had ever sought him out.
To his surprise, Rai broke the direct stare, shifting his gaze to an indefinite point to the right. How strange… Rai had never been reluctant to look him in the eye before.
"An answer. I want an answer."
To what? was the question that immediately arose in his mind, but Bardo bit his tongue. Rai was already speaking through clenched teeth, and he had the feeling that one wrong word would send him over the edge. He just hoped that he was not causing more harm by keeping quiet.
Rai's fists clenched for a moment before relaxing again, slowly. When he spoke again, his voice was like a cut, rough and raw. "Just-why didn't you come for me?"
It felt like something had hauled back and kicked him in the chest, knocking the wind right out of him. Whatever Bardo had been expecting, that certainly was not it. More accusations, maybe, or suspicion, but not… Rai was staring at him again.
Rai was staring at him again, with something not completely icy and angry in his expression, but as he watched, still shell-shocked, that something started to withdraw, his gaze becoming shuttered again.
"Psh, forget I-"
"I don't know."
Rai tensed. "What?"
"I… don't know." Bardo shrugged helplessly, looking at the floor. "There should be some grand explanation for it, I guess. Something that makes sense. But there isn't. I… I was so sure you'd be back and we could… And by the time you didn't come back… what the hell was I supposed to do?"
He drew a ragged breath, raking a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to make it look like I'd… I didn't want… Shit, I was scared, Rai. I didn't want to fuck it up."
Silence met his words, and Bardo found himself reluctant to look at Rai and find out exactly what was in his eye.
One tense moment went by, then another, and another, and he had almost convinced himself to meet whatever fury was waiting for him head-on when there was an explosive noise that sounded like something between a cough and a snort.
The noise came again, and Bardo blinked, looking up.
Rai had pressed a palm to his forehead, a rueful smirk twisting his lips. "…We are both stupid cats, huh, old man."
Those words, combined with the realization that Rai had been laughing, laughing at the absurdity of it all, released something inside of him. He gave a weak chuckle, absent-mindedly smoothing his ruffled hair.
"Yeah. I guess… I guess we are."
In the silence that followed, Rai's face became unreadable again and he shifted slightly, making as if to withdraw from the porch. As strange as this encounter was turning out to be, Bardo found himself unwilling to let it end on this note.
"Hey," he said, speaking almost before he knew what he was going to say. Rai tensed, waiting. "Hey, I don't know about you, but I could do with a drink right about now."
"Pffft. That's your answer to everything."
That almost sounded like Rai was making fun of him.
"Well, my old heart can't take this anymore," Bardo sniffed, leaning the broom against the side of the house and walking inside. Over his shoulder, he called, "You're welcome to join me, if you like."
Rai hesitated for a moment before turning around and slowly following him inside, leaving day to fade away into night.
- FIN -
----
A/N: And that's it! Thank you very much for staying with BTT for so long. *bows* Next up will be the epilogue, as a little bonus. In the meantime, if you care to hop over to Sendspace, you will find the ending theme to this story - Mahoroba by Akiko Shikata. It's a very beautiful song that accompanied me throughout the time it took to write this, but especially in this last chapter.
Thank you again for all your support, and don't be afraid to tell me what you think. ♥
Now, for some writing babble:
- I was trying to avoid melodrama as much as possible in this chapter, but I do hope everyone's feelings came through, regardless. Neither Rai nor Bardo are very open about their feelings, although they are so in different ways, and Rai especially tends to say a lot with very little.
- And perhaps I also ought to mention this, in case it is not clear: I highly doubt that Rai would have immediately left Setsura after fleeing from the house. At this point, he was shocked and frightened, so he probably hid somewhere and waited for Bardo to come and talk to him, the way children often do when they fight with their parents. But we can all see how that worked out...
- Konoe's role was more limited, but this is primarily Bardo and Rai's story. I wanted his openness and faith in his friends to serve as a sort of foil, if you will - something both Rai and Bardo have to learn, or relearn, since they both basically project their own fears and insecurities onto each other.
Hope to see you in the epilogue!
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Fandom: Lamento - Beyond the Void
Part: 6/6
Rating: overall R
Characters/Pairings: Bardo, RaixKonoe
Warnings: violence, backstory spoilers
Disclaimer: Lamento belongs to Nitro+Chiral.
Notes: Thanks to akuma_no_kage for betaing, and sexual_ennui and jllai_smile for the moral support.
Summary: We tend to crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. ~ Fulton Oursler
Story Index | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Epilogue
Between Two Thieves
Chapter 6
The downstairs area was quiet and empty, as it always was in the hour before dinner was served. Bardo dawdled a little at the reception, flipping through the guest book and alternately glancing at the door to the dining room.
To tell the truth, he had been surprised that nobody was waiting for him at the front desk, but when he finally entered the dining room and found all the tables empty, with no sign of anyone around, he felt more than a little foolish. He had been so sure that a contemptuous Rai or a reproachful Konoe would be waiting for him to continue the events of this afternoon… not that he had expected Konoe to fight with him, but he had expected him to demand to know what was going on.
Unable to hold back a little sigh of relief, Bardo made his way to the kitchen, firing up the stove and piling the ingredients for the evening meal together. He was more grateful than he liked to admit that the conflict appeared to have been postponed for the moment, because as much as being with Mana had soothed his hurt feelings, it had also given him a lot to think about.
As he began peeling and cutting up the vegetables, he found himself preoccupied with their earlier conversation. Now that Mana had pointed it out to him, everything seemed so ridiculous. Remaking the past was impossible-he had not seen Rai in more than ten years, had not even known whether he was still alive until Konoe had appeared in their lives, and expecting those years of separation to simply disappear… If he was truthful, Bardo had to admit that he himself had never quite managed to make the strangeness go away, constantly trying to make the image of the child he had known fit the man Rai had become, so expecting someone as wary as Rai to just ignore-
A sharp pain in his hand interrupted his thoughts, startling Bardo into glancing down and discovering that he had cut his palm while peeling.
"Pfft, stupid," he muttered, bringing up his hand to lick at the cut, and quickly went in search of a bandage.
Serves you right, for zoning out while playing with knives.
Tying a clean dishrag around his hand, he resumed his work, resolutely focusing on the vegetables until they were safely in the pot and stewing. Once he was left with nothing to do except stirring the soup and waiting for dinnertime, however, his mind began wandering again.
Bardo knew that he would have to talk to Rai sooner or later; he had no idea when and how Rai had gotten it into his head that he was putting on an act, but he would have to do something about this assumption-waiting for Rai to figure out that he was wrong was a futile act, he recognized that now.
Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't that what they say?
The irony that it had taken Mana to point out the solution to the problem did not escape him. He had been so caught up in trying to avoid the past, to avoid conflict, that he had been unable to see the forest for trees.
I suppose in that, we really are alike. Just a little.
He would have to be really blunt with Rai-to grab the problem by the throat and disembowel it. It was something he was admittedly not very good at. He liked to wait until time presented a better solution than direct confrontation, but in this case, waiting any longer would only make it more painful. The sooner the entire misunderstanding was out of the way, the better. Bardo sighed, staring off into space as he wondered how he could possibly make Rai listen to reason.
The soup almost boiled over.
----
Having a plan and putting that plan into action were two entirely different things, Bardo found. He had spent the better part of a day carefully choosing his words, but finding the right moment to talk to Rai was difficult, since he really did not want to show up at his and Konoe's room and dramatically ask Konoe to give them some time alone together.
His chance finally came two days later when he was in the backyard, carefully straightening and hanging the freshly washed bed sheets on the clothesline.
"Bardo?" Konoe's voice rang from the backdoor.
He poked his head around the fluttering sheets and waved. "Over here!"
Konoe stepped outside, tugging the strings of his cloak closed around the fasteners. "I'm heading out to get Rai's shirt from the tailor. Do you want me to bring back anything?"
Konoe seemed to have decided not to address their fight at all, even though Bardo had little doubt that the young cat knew about it. He had been a bit worried what Rai might have told him in his anger and what sort of impression this would have given Konoe, but if there had been anything, Konoe did not let it on, his manner open and friendly.
"Hm, no," Bardo murmured, frowning a little as he mentally inventoried his kitchen. "No, I think I've got everything. Thanks for offering, though."
"Alright. I'll be going, then." Konoe turned around and disappeared back into the house.
Bardo stood looking after him for a moment, slowly letting the sheet he was holding sink back into the basket. Then, he shook his head, fishing it out again and continuing his task.
He took his time, too, although he was well aware that he was once again stalling, trying to avoid the issue. He had no illusions about the upcoming talk-it would be anything but pleasant, as Rai had always been hard to convince of anything, but work helped to calm him a little, easing the nervous knot in the pit of his stomach.
Carrying the empty basket back inside, he put it down on a chair in the reception area and began to climb the stairs, each of his steps so slow and heavy that it made the wood creak.
In front of Rai's room, Bardo took a deep breath, all too conscious of what a ridiculous sight he had to present, making such a huge production about what was, in essence, nothing more than a simple talk. He was acting as if he had to face a deadly enemy, which was precisely the appearance he did not want to give; it would only cause Rai to become confrontational.
He knocked against the closed door, the sound loud and sharp in the empty corridor.
No answer from within, not that he had expected one. Bardo pressed down on the handle.
Rai was sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs crossed, seemingly engrossed in a map. He made no move to acknowledge his visitor, but his ears were perked, the only sign that indicated he had even heard.
Bardo remained standing in the doorway, waiting for Rai to give him his attention. The man surely had developed a strangely passive-aggressive way of dealing with him-he had expected Rai to outright refuse him entrance, but this ambivalent reception made him uneasy. After a minute, he sighed.
"Rai?"
"Get lost," came the flat answer, Rai not even bothering to look up.
Bardo decided to ignore that, since this seemed to be Rai's default greeting for everyone except Konoe, and stepped into the room, closing the door.
"We should talk."
"We should? I thought I made myself clear the first time."
"It's important. I want-"
"I don't care what you want," Rai shot back, throwing him a sideways glare. "Get lost."
Bardo took another deep breath. "Listen, you need to at least-"
"I don't need to do anything."
"Damn it, Rai!" Bardo hissed, his frustration at being interrupted two words into a sentence getting the better of him. "Stop twisting my words before I've even had the chance to say anything! Why does talking to you always have to be so difficult?"
He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth, but it was too late. Rai rose from the bed with a growl, his eye flashing, his ears flattened to the top of his head. "I am difficult? I'm not the one who doesn't get when he should just go away. I'm not the one who insists on warming up this tired old charade. Are you getting some kind of kick out of this?"
"That's precisely what I want to talk to you about!" Bardo said, straining for calm in his voice. "I don't get why you think I'm pretending. I care about you, Rai. That's not-"
"You care about me? How stupid do you think I am? You care about as much for me as you did ten years ago," Rai sneered.
"Will you stop it?! If that's what this is about, I'm well aware that I've made a terrible mistake! And don't you dare think even for a second that I haven't spent the last ten years being sorry for it."
"Oh, really?"
Bardo made a choked sound that was half a growl, half a helpless laugh. "Yes, really! If I had known things would turn out like this- I never wanted- I did it for you, Rai!"
"So now it's my fault?!" Rai bit out, stalking forward with his fists clenched at his sides, causing Bardo to bristle and draw himself up to his full height despite himself.
"Damn it, Rai, that's not-!"
"Stop talking, old man. Just stop talking. You did it for me? You care about me? You were glad to be rid of me and I'll be damned if I'm going to play along just because you're getting soft in your old age! I won't be the one to ease your conscience for you. If you're so intent on fooling yourself, you can do it without me. I don't care about your sorry excuses. I'm through with this."
"Rai-"
"I'm through."
----
Chop-chop splash.
Don't think.
Chop-chop splash.
Don't think about it.
Chop-chop splash.
The vegetables are important now.
Cut off the roots and boil the tip.
Cut off the roots… and boil the tip.
Cut off the roots…
Chop-chop splash.
The roots aren't good to eat. They are dry like dust and taste bitter.
Pay attention to the roots.
If they are mixed in, everything will turn bitter.
Everything… just like…
"Damn it!" Bardo cursed, ramming the knife into the wooden chopping board.
The impact sent the remaining stalks rolling over the edge of the board and tumbling to the floor. With a great sigh, Bardo slumped over the kitchen counter, burying his face in his hands.
I'm through.
In the silence, the words slithered back into his consciousness, digging in their poison fangs. Those words had marked his defeat-in their face, he had found nothing he could say, no way to continue fighting what was, evidently, a hopeless battle. He had been prepared for an intense argument, for Rai's anger and resistance, but not for this. Not for that absolute certainty, that irrevocable hatred with which Rai had refused him, leaving him only with the realization that nothing he could say or do would be able to repair the damage that had been done.
That you have done, don't forget that. Since he seemed so adamant that you know.
Bardo had been so sure that he would be able to change Rai's mind about him if he told him the truth. He had hoped that they would be able to clear up this misunderstanding and go back to-even if not to the way things had been in the past-then at least back to being friends of some kind, to maintaining a civil relationship.
Was making that mistake so unforgivable? Does what I did disgust you so much, Rai?
And so, with nothing left to say, Bardo had done the only thing he could and fled, hoping to get away from that unforgiving stare. For the past several hours, he had been trying, and failing, to lose himself in his work and forget about that confrontation, but it seemed that the memory of that gaze and the echo of those words were waiting for him behind every wayward thought, ready to show him the sum of his failures.
Bardo pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and sighed deeply.
I thought… I really thought I could make things right. Why can't I ever make things right?
The soft sound of approaching footsteps jerked him out of his thoughts, and he turned his head towards the entrance.
Konoe hesitated in the doorway, tail swishing in indecision. "…Hey."
Bardo straightened a little. "…Hey. Come to chew me out?"
He had meant to smile as he said that, a façade in the face of another rift, but found that he was too tired.
Konoe's eyes widened. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
"He must've told you by now," Bardo elaborated, waving his hand in mock casualness. "What I did. What kind of person I am."
"We… did talk, yes," the young cat replied, slowly stepping to his side.
"And?"
Konoe looked at him shrewdly. "And you should know me better than to expect me to deliver some kind of judgment upon you. There's more than one side to every story. There is Rai's, and there is yours. And once I know both, there will be mine. But not before." He smiled. "If you're willing to tell me, that is."
Bardo stared at him, not quite sure what to say. He had expected Konoe to rise to his lover's defense, as unforgiving as he seemed of others that had hurt Rai, but he not expected this gently curious voice, eyes that were watching him with concern instead of anger.
"I-" The words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "I don't know how much you know about… before."
"Rai said you have been taking care of him for a time."
"Heh, trying to is more like it," Bardo murmured self-deprecatingly. "I wasn't exactly doing a good job of it."
Konoe stayed silent.
"But… we were okay, mostly. I think. I hope. No idea how he sees it. I'm not sure it matters much in retrospect, anyway."
"…So what happened?" Konoe asked.
"I screwed up, that's what happened," Bardo said, clenching his fists. "I made a mistake, and then I tried to make up for it by making another mistake. I thought- I don't know what I thought. I was a fool… I just wanted to protect him. I thought everything would be alright if I- like I said, I was a fool. I just ended up chasing him away."
The sympathy in Konoe's gaze was almost too much to bear, so he lowered his eyes, staring at the floor and the scattered vegetables.
"He hates me now. He's convinced I did everything on purpose. And I don't know what to do to reverse that."
"You know… I don't think he does," Konoe said softly.
Bardo's head snapped back up to stare at him, certain that he had misheard.
Konoe gave a small smile, as if he was aware of his thoughts. "Rai's reasoning is… complicated, and not always entirely rational. Sometimes he convinces himself of crazy things and works on them until you grab him and make him look at you and yell in his face. You wouldn't believe some of the things he assumed about me at first."
"Things?" Bardo asked, looking at him curiously.
Konoe shook his head. "What Rai says and what he feels are often two different things. It doesn't help that he believes in attacking first." He sighed. "But what you said affected him, more deeply than you think. He's up there now, trying to sort through what's in his heart. It's not something I can help him with very much. That's why I came here… to let you know that he's thinking about it."
"I…"
Konoe smiled again. "Give him time, Bardo. He has ten years worth of issues to sort through."
"…What do you think he will decide?" Bardo finally asked, disliking how unsure his voice sounded, how he actually expected Konoe to answer.
"I can't say. But whatever it will be… I hope it works out. For both of you."
Bardo nodded quietly.
"And…" Konoe added, "I wanted to thank you."
"Huh?"
"For trying so hard for him. Rai… needs people like that."
Bardo blinked, then let out a laugh. "I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm hardly a good person. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm selfish. I-"
The words died in his throat when he suddenly found himself with an armful of Konoe, resting his forehead against his collarbone. He still stood frozen by the time Konoe's hands came to rest on his back, warm and a little awkward.
"Don't talk like that," Konoe said, voice muffled but firm.
Not knowing what to say was becoming a regular occurrence, it seemed. It might have been the tone in Konoe's voice, something that would not allow an argument, or it might have been the fact that this was the first hug he had received in ages, but Bardo found himself closing his mouth and cautiously placing a hand between Konoe's shoulder blades.
"Hey," he murmured eventually, finding his lips curling faintly at the thought. "Hey, aren't you worried what your man would think if he saw us like that?"
Konoe snorted and thumped his shoulder with his forehead. "Stupid."
----
Fingers trailed slowly through his hair, leaving pleasantly tingling trails against his scalp. Rai found it hard not to make any undignified noises, not to push his head into Konoe's hands to demand more. A part of him was quite certain that he should not have become so thoroughly distracted, almost wanted to resent Konoe for soothing his anger so easily. He did not even remember when Konoe had coaxed him to lie back on the bed, but would have found this more upsetting if it had not felt so damn nice.
Now that he was able to think rationally again, Rai could admit to himself that he had been making a scene, complete with yelling and an attempt at a dramatic departure from the hotel. He had been absolutely livid at the time, but now his behavior seemed more than a little childish to him. At least Konoe refrained from commenting on it.
At his side, Konoe shifted a little, straightening, and Rai knew then that he would not be able to get out of this without giving an explanation. Not that it was hard by any means to determine the cause of his mood, given what had happened a scant few days ago, but he had a feeling that Konoe would not allow himself to be so easily distracted this time around.
"So… what happened?"
Rai snorted. As far as conversation attempts went, this was quite ridiculous. "Can't you tell?"
"I'd rather you tell me."
He clenched his teeth, something of the old fury bubbling up inside of him. "I'm sick of the pushy old bastard acting like we're friends. The only thing he ever cared about was himself-I don't see why he's trying to cover that up with lies now."
Konoe frowned. "I… really don't think Bardo is someone who would lie about something like this."
Rai glared at him. "And how would you know that?"
Instead of reacting to his accusatory tone, Konoe merely looked pensive. "I've spent practically my entire life among cheaters and backstabbers. Almost everyone in Karou would've happily lied through their teeth if they had thought it would give them some kind of advantage. Bardo just isn't like that."
"Stupid cat," Rai growled, unable to hold his frustration at bay. "You weren't there, you've got no idea. He made himself perfectly clear ten years ago."
"About what?"
"That I was just a burden to him. He was glad to have me gone."
"Did he actually said that?" Konoe asked.
"Heh. No need for that. Some actions speak louder than words."
"And some actions need words to explain them," Konoe countered. "Maybe he did something without meaning to. Maybe he made a wrong decision without thinking about the consequences."
Hissing, Rai pushed himself up on his elbows, feeling all his calm evaporate in the face of his partner's stubborn insistence. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"
Konoe sighed. "This isn't about sides, Rai. You know I'm with you, always." He paused before continuing quietly, "I admit I don't know Bardo as well as you do, but… can you really say that you don't have any good memories of the time you've spent together? That you never felt safe or cared for?"
Rai stared at him, the angry words dying on his tongue. And Konoe seemed to take his silence for an answer.
"Is the idea that there might be a chance that things are not entirely the way you think… really so terrible? We misunderstood each other, too, at first, didn't we?"
"I… That's different," Rai said, hating how stupid that statement sounded.
"Why?" Konoe smiled, small and sad. "Can't other people care for you, too?"
"…Stupid cat," Rai muttered, turning away and shrugging off Konoe's hands. Silence descended over the room, Rai staring stonily at the opposite wall but still feeling his partner's eyes on him. Konoe was probably expecting an answer.
Eventually, he sighed. "Even if it is the way you say, what the hell do you want me to do?"
"I don't want you to do anything," Konoe replied. "This isn't about me, this is about you. About what you want."
If there was anything he hated more than stupid questions, it was unanswerable questions.
"I don't know. I don't know what I want," he huffed. "…It's been so long."
"Too long?"
Rai snarled. "I don't know."
Konoe shifted against him, leaning close and gently nudging him over on his back again. "That's okay. I'm not expecting you to answer me. As long as you can give the answer to yourself, that's all I want. So take your time."
Rai let out a heavy breath as Konoe's fingers tangled in his hair again. It really would have been much easier to go back to feeling angry, he reflected, if those hands had not felt so damn nice.
----
Above the rooftops, the day-moon's fading rays were painting the sky in vivid red and golden tones. Bardo had been sweeping the same spot on the back porch for the last few minutes, his attention more focused on the changing hues, his mind pleasantly empty for what felt like the first time in days.
The quietness felt peaceful, but when he heard the floorboards behind him creak, he could not say that the interruption was entirely unwelcome. He smiled.
"Evening, Konoe."
"Hmph. You're more senile than I thought if you can't distinguish between him and me," growled a voice that was distinctly not Konoe's, though the insult somehow sounded much less heated than it should have.
Bardo whirled around. "Rai!"
The white cat glared at him as if Bardo had been the one to intrude upon him instead of the other way around, tail lashing jerkily from side to side. If Bardo had not known better, he would have said that Rai was, of all things, uncomfortable.
They stared at each other in silence for a few moments, before Bardo cleared his throat. "I… you… Did you… need something?"
He had to work to keep the wariness, the nervousness out of his voice, acutely aware that this was the first time Rai had ever sought him out.
To his surprise, Rai broke the direct stare, shifting his gaze to an indefinite point to the right. How strange… Rai had never been reluctant to look him in the eye before.
"An answer. I want an answer."
To what? was the question that immediately arose in his mind, but Bardo bit his tongue. Rai was already speaking through clenched teeth, and he had the feeling that one wrong word would send him over the edge. He just hoped that he was not causing more harm by keeping quiet.
Rai's fists clenched for a moment before relaxing again, slowly. When he spoke again, his voice was like a cut, rough and raw. "Just-why didn't you come for me?"
It felt like something had hauled back and kicked him in the chest, knocking the wind right out of him. Whatever Bardo had been expecting, that certainly was not it. More accusations, maybe, or suspicion, but not… Rai was staring at him again.
Rai was staring at him again, with something not completely icy and angry in his expression, but as he watched, still shell-shocked, that something started to withdraw, his gaze becoming shuttered again.
"Psh, forget I-"
"I don't know."
Rai tensed. "What?"
"I… don't know." Bardo shrugged helplessly, looking at the floor. "There should be some grand explanation for it, I guess. Something that makes sense. But there isn't. I… I was so sure you'd be back and we could… And by the time you didn't come back… what the hell was I supposed to do?"
He drew a ragged breath, raking a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to make it look like I'd… I didn't want… Shit, I was scared, Rai. I didn't want to fuck it up."
Silence met his words, and Bardo found himself reluctant to look at Rai and find out exactly what was in his eye.
One tense moment went by, then another, and another, and he had almost convinced himself to meet whatever fury was waiting for him head-on when there was an explosive noise that sounded like something between a cough and a snort.
The noise came again, and Bardo blinked, looking up.
Rai had pressed a palm to his forehead, a rueful smirk twisting his lips. "…We are both stupid cats, huh, old man."
Those words, combined with the realization that Rai had been laughing, laughing at the absurdity of it all, released something inside of him. He gave a weak chuckle, absent-mindedly smoothing his ruffled hair.
"Yeah. I guess… I guess we are."
In the silence that followed, Rai's face became unreadable again and he shifted slightly, making as if to withdraw from the porch. As strange as this encounter was turning out to be, Bardo found himself unwilling to let it end on this note.
"Hey," he said, speaking almost before he knew what he was going to say. Rai tensed, waiting. "Hey, I don't know about you, but I could do with a drink right about now."
"Pffft. That's your answer to everything."
That almost sounded like Rai was making fun of him.
"Well, my old heart can't take this anymore," Bardo sniffed, leaning the broom against the side of the house and walking inside. Over his shoulder, he called, "You're welcome to join me, if you like."
Rai hesitated for a moment before turning around and slowly following him inside, leaving day to fade away into night.
- FIN -
----
A/N: And that's it! Thank you very much for staying with BTT for so long. *bows* Next up will be the epilogue, as a little bonus. In the meantime, if you care to hop over to Sendspace, you will find the ending theme to this story - Mahoroba by Akiko Shikata. It's a very beautiful song that accompanied me throughout the time it took to write this, but especially in this last chapter.
Thank you again for all your support, and don't be afraid to tell me what you think. ♥
Now, for some writing babble:
- I was trying to avoid melodrama as much as possible in this chapter, but I do hope everyone's feelings came through, regardless. Neither Rai nor Bardo are very open about their feelings, although they are so in different ways, and Rai especially tends to say a lot with very little.
- And perhaps I also ought to mention this, in case it is not clear: I highly doubt that Rai would have immediately left Setsura after fleeing from the house. At this point, he was shocked and frightened, so he probably hid somewhere and waited for Bardo to come and talk to him, the way children often do when they fight with their parents. But we can all see how that worked out...
- Konoe's role was more limited, but this is primarily Bardo and Rai's story. I wanted his openness and faith in his friends to serve as a sort of foil, if you will - something both Rai and Bardo have to learn, or relearn, since they both basically project their own fears and insecurities onto each other.
Hope to see you in the epilogue!
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