LJ Idol Week Two - All That Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust.

[ohelectricshock]

I'm a mess. I feel like I've been a mess for months. I guess I'm just going through an adjustment phase of realizing that I'm not the only person that my boyfriend wants to get naked with. I understand that, I do, I mean, the rational part of me does. The other part, the part of me whose self worth is wrapped up in his opinion of me, fails to

Comments

[snarkerdoodle]

Such an honest and raw piece. I hope you find the future you're looking for.

[ohelectricshock]

Thanks so much <3. I'm definitely working on it!

[lrig_rorrim]

Aiiiii.... this is heart-wrenching to read, and I'm so, so, so sorry you went through this. I kind of want to comment an awful lot about your ex and poly and relationship dynamics that are healthy and and and... but I'm holding back - just the fact that you've elicited this kind of reaction from me shows what powerful writing this is, and my outsider's perspective on this chapter of your life is truly irrelevant. I deeply and truly hope you're in a much better place now. Much, much better.

[ohelectricshock]

If you don't want to hold back you really don't need to! :) I am in a much, much better place than I was when these conversations were going on. I did end up having conversations with people who were in healthy poly relationships, as well as reading a ton of literature and underwent this entire experience of trying to redefine for myself what a relationship was and what kind of relationship I want in order to feel safe and like my needs are being met. Right now through writing about it I'm wanting to explore this idea of a transformation that I thought I went through, but I'm not sure if I was so much me embracing the idea of me being capable of open relationships as much as me feeling released from my ex and whether or not the freedom I experienced once our relationship was considered open was mostly from this distance I created from him and the subsequent freedom from our relationship I felt.

SO MANY THINGS! This comment really made my heart sing, though, because I admire your writing so much. Thanks so much.