LJ Idol Week Seven - On My Way Home, I Look at Stars

[ohelectricshock]

I wake up in my own bed, exhilarated and drunk with passion from the night before. The Lodge is so far away from the city that my walk home from Mike's was lit by starlight alone, and I collapsed into dreams feeling alive in a way that I haven't in months

Comments

[finding_helena]

I want to punch Alex in the nose more and more, the more I read of your entries. On the one hand, I get that he's young (I assume) and still working on his issues, but I hate when people blow hot and cold like that and jerk their partners around. It's really crappy.

[ohelectricshock]

It was definitely really crappy, and that is a feeling I think that you are not alone in. I had a hard time writing about it this week but it felt important that I got it out somehow, even if it isn't as polished or articulate as I hoped it would be.

[agirlnamedluna]

Alex really sounds like someone you are much better off without.

[ohelectricshock]

Yeah, the hardest part was realizing that while we were really great together once, it wasn't that way anymore and trying to recapture what we once had was just making it worse.

[reborn_spirit]

I really like what you said in that comment. I tried to make it work again with an ex, and it only pushed us farther apart.

[ecosopher]

Sigh. This is very sad. But you're right... it's like locking the gate once the horse has bolted. It's not going to be the same for anyone.

I'm so sorry.

[ohelectricshock]

It most absolutely is, thanks for reading <3

[penpusher]

My sense is that this really is getting into the incredibly painful part of the recounting because the view you're giving us this time is a bit more distant, somewhat less tactile, slightly less raw. You're protecting the reader from the worst of this storm. Or you're protecting yourself from reliving it. Or both?

This isn't a criticism really, just my observation. And it makes perfect sense that it would be that way, if my theory is correct. It is an appropriate choice to make for any of those reasons. Really, I'm truly impressed that you are able to be as even-handed and level-headed in the telling as you are, though all of this emotional mauling.

[ohelectricshock]

This is a very insightful observation. This was by far the most difficulty I've had trying to convey a raw honesty because I wasn't sure how much is too much, in terms of for the reader but also for me. Those are memories that I try not to revisit but for whatever reason it felt like an important part of the process to write about it in whatever way I could. Until this week I felt far more comfortable and capable of articulating what I had been feeling but I really struggled this time, especially because as those events were happening I tried to cope by feeling numb and detached as much as possible.

Thanks so much for this comment, it is so reassuring and comforting to read this and realize that someone is reading enough to understand and connect with this story.

[rayaso]

This will work itself out, with or without Alex, with or without an open relationship. You need to be sure and protect yourself, find what's right for you, and never lean over a balcony again.

[ohelectricshock]

Yes, you are absolutely right :) I did manage to find a way to be okay again, and all of this actually happened just about a year ago so it mostly reflective, but revisiting it seems important to me for some reason. This week was the hardest by a long shot, mostly because during this time I tried so hard not to feel anything so my words don't feel as authentic as they have in other entries. This is the darkest part, it gets better after this. <3