"root, i finally got a bed. i've been sleeping on air matress for nine months. i could've had a baby in that time. and no one wants to have a baby on an air mattress."

i'm a little mopey bacon.

"i will seriously fuck you up at musical chairs. i practice like once a week!"

"i know that girl thinks i have bad energy and it fucking pisses me off"

"that guy is a total lap topper."

"nice face."

"oh yeah, well, you had a nice face first!"

"grandma...i only put condiments on my butt if im with a friend."

"i'll f you in the a with a big fat d."

"i'll find you in the alley with a big fat doughnut."

"i am so noked out of my head. i think i have a noke problem"

..and other puns inserting noke in place of coke.

"don't make me start a metal band...just come clean up!"