I feel lonely, although I have no right to.

I want someone to get me. Someone to talk to - someone I don't have to explain every one of my reactions to. Someone who understands right away what the problem is and how it occured.

I know you know me. But you don't understand me.

Last night I had one of the most realistic and coherent dreams I have had in a while.

I got cancer. At first, it was not that big of a deal. Surely I was upset that yet another problem had successfully planted itself into my life, joyfully hooking up with the dead mother, the eating disorder, the suicidal sister and the disoriented family situation ( Read more... )

It strikes me as frightening how so little can change in so much time.

My last post was published about 6 months ago, and yet I can still identify with every last scribbled word. When I was writing that, I was sure that I at this time would be healthy and wise, and would have overcome my psychological imperfections with grace. I would have summoned ( Read more... )

I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat.

But I'm not hungry. I just want to eat, because I know I'm not allowed.

I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat. I want to ( Read more... )

I'm so scared, I'm so lonely, but I am certainly not alone.

Which was the only thought going through my head this morning, whilst coughing bent over the toilet seat, worried that someone might hear me. The one that had come into my room last night, handed me a bag of crisps and cheese doodles and a big bar of chocolates, saying I was too thin... And ( Read more... )

Today was a really good day. Not just because I obeyed the snake. I was an excellent servant. And it's even saturday.

And I know I should not be feeling this proud. Not that I really did anything wrong. And that's just it!
I did nothing wrong, according to others (meaning, I did not eat too little) and I did nothing wrong, accoding to me! (meaning, ( Read more... )

Today was one of the good ones. The good days. The happy days.

I'm not saying the snake wasn't present. Because it was, painfully so.
That little piece of shit.

It was silenced many times though, by the happiness. I got a pretty necklace as a Christmas present.
And lots and lots of love.

(I needed that lots and lots of love.)

And I am going to ( Read more... )

Anxiety.

I can feel it, gripping the pit of my stomach, pulling, scratching, clawing its way deeper.. Spreading. It keeps saying I'm useless, I'm hopeless, I'm all wrong and I don't deserve what I've got.
It has the voice of a snake - a fearless, disgusting, powerful reptile.

That's how it gets around. Crawling around, spreading its poison all ( Read more... )

Time flies by, does it not? I can still remember everything from when I was here last.

The emotions, the thoughts, the hopes and wishes and the desperation.

I'm still as neurotic as I was back then.
No, scratch that. I'm probably worse. (Like I'd improve, ha!)

Sometimes I wonder if I am inviting drama into my life. Like I need it, need it to ( Read more... )

Isn't it incredible, how things can change?

One day, you're holding on to someone you can't live without. Next day, you're the one they're holding on to. Sometimes I wonder - has it always been like this, all the while I didn't notice? Have I honestly always been this wanted?

Things have changed, lately, and I along with them. I know I have. From ( Read more... )