The show must go on [4/6]
Apologize - One Republic
The three boys started living together again the same day Jin arrived home; with his right arm immobilized Jin needed help with a good deal of things. He complained about having to wear the cast regularly but he smiled like a kid every time someone asked to sign it, so soon the plaster was covered in signatures, messages, scribbles and crappy drawings, most of them done by either Yamapi or Kame. The youngest boy was back to practicing with the horses every day and Takki made Pi start practicing the routines on the static trapeze again, since he didn’t need Jin for that. Jin’s arm would still take longer to heal and he wasted most of his time just being lazy and taking walks to the forest or the nearby city with whoever of his friends wasn’t busy at the moment or with the two of them. However, things were not the same.
Jin was sure he liked Kame. It was just something… natural. It was natural to hold Kame and hug him. On the rare occasions Pi was busy and they had time alone they would spend it in each other’s arms, just talking and kissing and enjoying being together. They hid their newfound closeness when they were around Yamapi though, even though Jin was not very sure why. He knew that Kame and he were not doing anything wrong and that new step in their relationship was nothing they needed to hide, yet they kept their distance when they were with Yamapi even though they had never agreed to keep it a secret.
It confused Jin and made him feel awkward. Yamapi was his best friend; someone so close to him that knew Jin better than Jin did himself. Jin had never kept anything secret from Yamapi, and he didn’t like having to do it. Yet the guilty that he felt was not only because of that. He didn’t like hiding it from Pi, of course, but he didn’t want to do it either; it was not only that it was uncomfortable keeping something from his best friend, but it made him felt like he was betraying Pi, even though Jin knew he had the right not to tell the other boy everything that happened to him.
Jin managed to last a whole month. The day after the circus arrived to each new location all they did was establishing the camp, placing the RVs and the animal cages, building up the stables and the big top again. The boys were supposed to help, but Jin couldn’t when his arm still in the cast and Pi sneaked away to keep his friend company; Kame had to stay with his horses since it was a very distressing procedure for the animals. They took a walk to the nearby city, barely twenty minutes away from the circus location.
They decided to take a rest in a park that had an ice-cream parlor nearby. Jin wanted a chocolate cup; Pi chose a cherry one for himself and paid for the two of them since he was still trying to not-so-subtly getting himself forgiven for the accident, even though Jin had already said it had not been his fault. It was summer vacation already, but there weren’t many kids in the park, and the ones that were there preferred to play tag, or with the slide or the see-saw rather than with the swings, so Jin and Pi occupied them. They ate their ice-creams in silence, watching the kids play. If Jin closed his eyes and lifted his feet off the ground after giving himself some swinging force he could almost imagine he was hanging from the trapeze again, he could almost turn the kids’ laughter into cheering and gasps of admiration.
“Were we ever like that?”
Jin opened his eyes and dragged his feet against the sand to stop the swinging. The remains of his ice-cream had melted inside the cup and Pi had finished his, so Jin took both cups and got up to throw them into a bin. As he walked back to the swings two more kids arrived to the park with a soccer ball, yelling and signaling to the others to move to a big empty area a few meters away. They quickly split in two teams and the match started after everyone took their position. Jin counted about ten boys, plus the girls that cheered them on from the sidelines.
“Don’t think so. I can’t recall ever playing with girls.” Pi laughed softly and pushed with his feet to swing like Jin had been doing. Jin followed suit, unconsciously falling into the same rhythm that his friend started just like they were used to do.
“It was only the two of us for so long, right? We were each other’s only friend for so many years.” Pi had closed his eyes and let go of the chains to lean backward until he was almost horizontal; Jin took the chance to lightly kick him under the knees, pushing upwards with his own leg. It was not strong enough to make the boy fall, but Yamapi lost his balance and yelped, flapping his arms madly in the air until he managed to take a hold of the chains again and pull himself into a sitting position. He glared at Jin, who just grinned back. “Some good only friend I got!”
“Well at least I haven’t broken your arm.”
Though Jin said it a playful way it made Yamapi blush and look away, hands tightening a little over the swing’s chains. A gentle nudge on his ribs with Jin’s elbow was enough to break the mood and make him return his friend’s smile. One of the kids playing soccer scored a goal and the ball rolled over the two trapeze artists’ feet as the now leading team celebrated. Jin cheered with them as he kicked the ball back to the improvised soccer field. It made the kids turn around to look at them, and the boy who had just scored waved at Jin with a big grin that was lacking a few teeth. Jin whistled and made a victory sign.
“Do you think we’d be like them if we had grown up… normally?”
Jin shrugged and swung a leg over the swing’s seat so he could sit facing Yamapi’s own swing and place his feet on his friend’s lap. Yamapi vaguely complained about getting his jeans dirty, but didn’t try to push his feet away.
“Of course we would have. But then again, I like who I am. And we were found in different cities. There wouldn’t have been many chances for us to meet, right? I wouldn’t change you for a normal childhood.”
Jin smiled and they both swung in silence for a while, just watching the soccer match from afar. Jin finally sighed and sat properly. Pi turned to look at him curiously, but Jin kept his eyes fixed on the dirty white toes of his converses. Another kid scored a goal, but they didn’t pay attention to the ruckus anymore.
“I need to tell you something.” Pi tilted his head a little in a silent question, giving Jin time to find the right words; Jin was the kind that needed time to find the way to express himself. Jin took a deep breath and then let it out quickly -- "I've kissed Kame."
Jin didn’t dare to raise his sight from his shoes, but he could hear how the creaking of the chains faded away as Yamapi stopped swinging. Sneaking a side glance Jin saw his friend’s shoes dragging against the sand to stop next to him. They were silent for a moment, so only the kids’ screaming could be heard. Jin felt himself gradually tensing up as the lack of a reaction only made him feel more nervous.
“When?”
“The day I arrived. It just… happened. We have had… something… going out since then; I don’t even know what to call it. I just I felt I needed to tell you.”
There was a soft clinking noise as Yamapi got up and then the noise of rubber soles against dust and sand; strangely enough that sound seemed louder in Jin’s ears than the screams from the kids playing. Jin looked up just in time to see his friend’s back as Yamapi walked away.
~*~*~*~*~
Aftertaste - Ben Lee
Having Yamapi angry at him was hard on Jin. They had fought before, of course, but never in a serious way. They had fought as kids to the point where they had even hit each other, but it had never been anything that wasn’t over with a couple of days of silent treatment and finally a hug when they got tired of being lonely or Kame forced them to. But now it was different, and Jin didn’t know what to do because they had never fought about something like that.
Yamapi had moved into Takki and Tsubasa’s, so Kame had started sleeping with Jin in the double bed instead of staying in the fold-up one. It made Jin feel less lonely being able to hold his friend during the nights and having the boy holding him back, and it reinforced his feelings for Kame, but it didn’t make the loneliness he was feeling fade. He could not stop thinking about his friend, about how much he missed him and about what had happened; maybe he had been thinking a little too much for his own good because he was starting to feel confused.
Yamapi’s reaction when he told his friend of what he had with Kame spoke of jealousy. And if Yamapi was jealous maybe it meant he liked Jin too. He could not imagine why Pi hadn’t told him earlier; they had always told each other everything. Jin couldn’t take his mind off the possibility that Yamapi might like him, and the more he thought about it the more he realized he might like Yamapi too; that would explain the intense longing to be with him, and why Jin had felt guilty not telling Pi what he had with Kame earlier. Yet he still liked Kame, and liking both his best friends at the same time was confusing and… wrong.
Can’t help falling in love - Elvis Presley
A couple of weeks went by before the situation changed. Kame had gone to take care of the horses - bathing, brushing them, checking the horseshoes were in place and feeding the animals usually took a long time. He had offered for Jin to come along even though the older boy couldn’t help much with the cast and his general wariness toward horses, but Jin refused. He decided to just stay at the RV, laying down on the bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. Having Yamapi angry at him for so long was getting too much for Jin to bear.
He was surprised when the RV’s door suddenly opened. He had expected it to be Kame or some of the adults - for all his usual I-don’t-care attitude around Jin, Nishikido had been trying to cheer him up a lot lately - so he was surprised when he saw Yamapi. Jin got up from the bed ready to say something - whatever, he did not know what yet. However his friend was faster and grabbed the front of Jin’s t-shirt to slam him against the wall; the whole RV rocked with the impact. Jin gasped in pain, but before he could react Yamapi’s lips were against him, kissing him roughly. His eyes widened as he just moved his hand to grab at Yamapi’s wrists. He could not push him away, but he wasn’t returning the kiss either, too shocked to do anything other than just try to stop the sudden hurricane of thoughts his mind had turned into. As Yamapi forced his tongue into Jin’s mouth the boy finally closed his eyes and moaned softly, slowly returning the kiss. Yamapi’s kiss was fiercer than Kame’s, angrier and more passionate, and they both were out of breath when they finally broke apart.
“What makes you think I don’t want to kiss you?” Yamapi’s voice was low and rough, barely above a growl. “What makes you think I don’t like you too?”
Jin swallowed around the lump in his throat and wrapped his healthy arm around Yamapi’s neck to pull him closer and kiss him. It was softer than before, but not less passionate. Yamapi’s hands moved from Jin’s t-shirt to entangle in the boy’s long hair. He sighed when the kiss was over and rested his forehead against Jin’s. They looked at each other in the eye for a few seconds, and then Yamapi smiled and it was enough.
“I wish I could have been your first.”
Jin looked at Yamapi, and later he would wonder what he had been thinking, if he had been even thinking to say what he said. “You still can be.”
That was enough for Yamapi to understand. Clothes were shed apart slowly, carefully and with a hint of uncertainty as they shared nervous smiles and small kisses; they eventually gave up on taking off Jin’s t-shirt when it was too difficult getting around the cast. Yamapi hovered over Jin when they lied down, and the whole thing was awkward and messy and a little bit painful until they got the trick of it. Jin’s legs were strong and they clung tightly around Yamapi’s hips as he closed his eyes and moaned at the growing pleasure and the warm feeling pooling at the bottom of his stomach. A thought of Kame flashed in his mind and for a moment or two he felt guilty. It’s a little complicated, Jin mused before the pleasure erased any coherent thought.
Jin lost track of time and barely heard the door opening in between their moans and pants. He opened his eyes and caught just a glimpse of Kame’s face - shocked, hurt, betrayed - before his climax hit him and the world went black.
It was a little complicated, indeed.
To part III | To part V