I canceled the sleepover

[onionsoupmix]

My 8 year old was going to have a sleepover for her birthday party. It was a big deal, with lots of planning and excitement. Making cupcakes, seeing a movie, getting their nails done, etc.

We invited a few kids from the neighborhood, one of them was our secular ( possibly not Jewish?) next door neighbor's kid, a cute second grader.

Today, one of my

Comments

This is a Chabad community/school, right?

[anonymous]

I'm confused about something, which is admittedly tangential to the post. (On topic, I think the punishment might be a bit harsh given that a) your daughter is 8 and b) she was in essence being a bystander, which is not great, but most adults don't have the spine to risk ostracism for what's right. Having said that, I think "reversing" a punishment is generally a bad practice and undermines yourself. Either way, I don't think you've harmed your daughter for life.)

The Chabadniks I know - shluchim, mostly - clearly don't believe that a secular Jew or non-Jew touching their things makes them tamei. They have non-observant Jews in their homes all the time, and often include non-Jewish fathers, etc. Is this belief that non-observant Jews taint things a) normative Chabad, which the shluchim carefully hide, b) folk superstition and bigotry, which the shluchim probably share but carefully hide, or c) folk superstition that shluchim don't subscribe to but non-shluchim do? If it's "c", why does "official" Chabad not speak against it?

Re: This is a Chabad community/school, right?

[mrn613]

Normative chabad teaches that non-Jews do not have a soul (neshama) like Jews do, putting them in the category of animals not people. I personally find this teaching offensive and for this reason (among other less serious reasons) I have never sent my children to a chabad daycare, pre-school, camp, etc.

Animals cannot transmit tamei/tahor.

Re: This is a Chabad community/school, right?

[onionsoupmix]

That is not 100% accurate, normative chabad does not teach that gentiles are like animals as far as I'm aware.

Exactly my concern

[anonymous]

This kind of thing is, in a nutshell, exactly why I think struggling to remain in a community that does bad things is a non-starter. You're a good person, you have strong values that you wish to inculcate in your children. Remaining in the orthodox world requires you, as an entrance fee, so to speak, to have your children taught the opposite for most of the day. How can you punish your children while paying thousands of dollars to have them taught such nonsense? Your words speak to them, but so do your actions in keeping them in such schools.

Re: Exactly my concern

[anonymous]

Interesting point. In fact, it makes me think that your daughter is really just following her mother's example, after all. Don't you sometimes remain silent when a frum person says something offensive so as not to deal with the inevitable consequences of speaking out against the status quo?

Don't we all do this at times?

Re: Exactly my concern

[anonymous]

I've been thinking a bit more. If your daughter is required to stand up to her friend, when the friend is doing exactly what the community approves, what should she do at davening in the morning? Should she stand up to the school authorities regarding 'shelo asani goy?' How about aleinu - especially if they say it in the Chabad style, complete with spitting on the ground?

If not, what's the difference? Do we say you must stand up to hate speech - unless it's approved by the authority figures?

[anonymous]

So the secular girl got sent home because someone else insulted her, or did I get that wrong?
soso

Bullies and bystanders

[anonymous]

Have you, or your daughter ever read The Hundred Dresses? It's a story about bullying told from the point of view of a bystander. When she realized that her friend's hurtful comments to an unpopular classmate had caused the girl and her family to leave town, she felt REALLY guilty. Your daughter will have other birthdays, but very few second chances to learn about the importance of not hurting people who are different than herself.

Re: Bullies and bystanders

[onionsoupmix]

thank you.

Re: Bullies and bystanders

[anonymous]

I'm an adult Jewish woman who lives within an eruv. I am not Orthodox, however. I hear the kids say all the time that I'm not Jewish and one adult has said that I am an "incorrect" Jew. So, I understand the nonsense one hears. I don't like it one bit and I've cried many times. Still I'm a better Jew for putting up with it and trying to figure out my own place in the world.

Would you have been better off talking to your daughter privately and hosting the slumber party anyway? I hate that the little neighbor whose presence prompted the ridiculous comments in the first place was excluded b/c the party was cancelled. So much better of the people who consider others problematic just don't come. So, it might have been a party for 2, your child and the neighbor? diana

Re: Bullies and bystanders

[onionsoupmix]

I ended up having a little party today for them- cupcakes, movie, etc. Just not the sleepover. They all came and managed to get along reasonably.

[anonymous]

I really enjoy your blog, and you are usually right on, but on this one, I think you missed the mark big time. I don't know what your personal situation is, but if you don't want your kid to grow up like that, then you need to leave the neighborhood, school, etc.. and find a normal place for her to grow up. It's not fair to stick her in the middle of this culture and then expect her to grow up and be different from everyone around her. It sounds like you can see all the really creepy things in the frum world, why can't you see that the only solution is to leave?