bad habits
Title : Bad Habits
Pairing : Onkey ( Jinkey )
Rated : NC-17 ( just to be safe )
Chapter : 1/2
Author : dribbledrabs
Author's Note : Its something I was really feeling through all the whole course of writing. Might be a bit too angst-y for most people , but angst is one of my favorite genres. Make up break up shake up. Hope you love it too.
PART TWO
why would anyone want to love, when it was all going to end anyway
When you break up with someone what are you really suppose to feel. Sad ? Angry ? Happy ? Free. I felt empty. Like a part of my soul had slipped out and left , the rest knowing it was never going to come back. How could nothing , be so suffocating. Every breath of air I took felt like the only reason I was still alive. There was no reason for me to be alive.
The stack of cigarettes by the side of me a lighted one held carefully between my dry lips. The bathroom floor was cold , just like the blade in my hand. Its sharp edge pressed against my skin gently going further and deeper. A sudden wave of endorphins rushed through my veins and I let out a deep sigh, throwing the blade into the bin leaving my hand carelessly by the side of my body waiting for the wound to heal itself back up.
My bad habits were back.
Why was it that your body only released endorphins when you were physically hurt, and do nothing with emotional pain when it was so much more unbearable.
I wasn't doing this because i wanted to die and I was definitely not crying our for attention. I just needed to feel that I was still alive , to feel happy even if it was only caused by the chemical reactions in my sorry excuse of a body.
Taking a last drag of the death stick , i stubbed the cigarette out in the toilet bowl and flushed it down. My blood had already begun to creak into the cracks of the floor tiles, I sighed and grabbed the shower head haphazardly spraying water anywhere i deemed fit , till the blood had swept away into the sewage.
I pulled my sweater at the sleeves till the ends covered even my fingers the sight action unintentionally revealing my shoulder. It was too big for me , but i liked it , it made everything easier. Hiding was easier.
Grabbing the air fresher I fumed the entire toilet to rid the smell of my smoking. When i was satisfied I pushed the handle on the toilet and stepped outside. Jonghyun had happened to walk pass and stopped when he heard the door knob rattle.
" Why were you in there for so long? "
I shrugged my shoulders and pushed pass him.
" Don't act like the world owes you anything , you both wanted this right ! "
" No one owes me anything Jjong, just shut up okay , I don't have the energy to pick a fight with you its fucking 2am in the morning "
" I know what you were doing inside, don't think I can't smell it off you "
" Fuck off " I shouted and shut the door to my room.
" Hyung , were you fighting" came a soft mutter .
" It was nothing Tae… go to sleep "
" I love you hyung " he muttered again before falling fast asleep. There was never a reason to not love the young maknae.
I glanced over to the other side of the room.
We broke up , not because we didn't love each other , we just felt things could be better. We didn't have the energy to salvage the fights, or the days where things just didn't work out. We wanted different things, had different goals and did things in different ways. So we decided that maybe we were better off being alone…. not alone really just not together , in a relationship. It was mutual, we both wanted it, we couldn't complain now.
Jinki was asleep, at least I hoped he was. I prayed he didn't hear me and Jjong's miniscule match outside. Even if he did what could I really do, nothing.
I pulled the blanket over my head and curled myself into the sheets. Praying that sleep would overwhelm me soon, so that i wouldn't start to cry. I had no right to cry , i wanted this.
love is like lucifer , always tying you down and locking you up.
I adjusted the accessories on my hand as well as the cuff and made sure it was on right. Right meaning covering the right wounds and scars.
" SHINEE ! You're on in 5 minutes, please make your way to the main stage soon " A man shouted while clumsily flipping through his clipboard and running out again.
My members were all prepped and ready , Minho and Taemin sitting together in one corner talking, keeping their hands off each other but you could see their skin aching.
" You two don't have to resist just because me and Jinki broke up , I don't mind and don't think Jinki does either "
I adjusted my hair and walked out of the room. Even if I was feeling like shit , I had to look good anyway.
Jinki was already waiting outside the room , perfect as always. Running his vocals through cords to make sure his voice didn't crack on stage.
" Hey , we should go "
" Oh Key , yeah lets…go "
The five of us walked confidently towards the stage , yet another performance, everyone felt like the first one. Nerves were jumpy, we were always playing around to calm them down, today was not different. Why should anything change.
Jinki gave me a funny look , a maybe this was a bad idea look. I hated how I read him like a freaking book , font size 100. His expressions and feelings, they were always so clear. I managed a weak smile , before turning away.
" Let's welcome SHINEE ! " , followed by a roaring cheer from the crowd we were up on stage.
Lucifer..……. how appropriate.
you're the bane of my existence
It had been 2 months or more since Jinki and I had decided we were better off without each other.
I was sitting alone in the kitchen , a warm cup of coffee clutched in my hands. Jinki on the other side of the table silent . We had just calmed down after yet another disagreement. The anger was gone all that it left was traces of disappointment and doubt in our relationship. Doubt if we were ever going to make this relationship work.
" Jinki maybe we should..…. "
" yes "
He knew what I was going to say , and maybe knew hat we both didn't want to hear it so he answered before i finished.
That night I told myself that the love was gone, because breaking up meant that there was no more love was it not. To leave someone mean that you no longer wanted to be with the person , and that you didn't need that person anymore.
At least that was what I thought , so when all the contradicting emotions filed me up over the 2 months of not being together I fell apart inside.
Nights when i felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't breathe I pulled a stick out of my small pack of cigarettes and ran to the toilet. The smoke cleared my lungs. Or nights when the pain was unbearable, the blade which had been ever so friendly with my wrists so many years ago , would meet again in a joyous celebration of bloody red wine.
No one knew or noticed, only Jjong. He was there those many years ago forcing me to kick the addiction, next to me when I woke up in cold sweat, or when I was falling unconscious because the cut had been slightly too deep. I owed him my life in so many ways, and now I was throwing away all the effort we both had made, running back to the only escape i knew.
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
All of us were at home on a thursday afternoon. We were finished with promoting Lucifer and finally getting some rest. Taemin was bouncing round the dorm with his new hair cut he got. It reminded me of our debut days , the tiny maknae with his classic bowl shaped hair shy and timid. Here he was with the same hair style , yet full of confidence and energy.
" Hyung! We're going out today , catch a movie maybe , if Manager hyung allows us , please come too "
A day alone at home , I wouldn't miss it for the world.
" Its alright Tae, I really need a rest my throat hurts "
A scoff came from Jjong , who looked at me and rolled his eyes " I don't see why it shouldn't be hurting "
" Shut up "
" Huh… oh okay , but if you change your mind let us know k ! " He jumped onto me with a huge hug and ran off to get changes, Jjong closely behind him.
" Miiiiiinnnhooooo " I heard the youngest one cry.
I turned to the burning charisma next to me who was engrossed in the soccer game and nudged him a little .
" cominggggg 5 minutes please ! " he shouted in reply.
I laughed a little, he could never let go of the sports channel. Once he had to pick between the channel and taemin ,it ended in him suffering from a major migraine.
Half an hour passed before they all were ready to leave. Taemin was already wearing he shoes when the rest were just shuffling out of their rooms. I walk to our room to grab Taemin's jacket , he had forgotten it once again.
Jinki was still in the room, looking around for something.
" better get going " I called out.
He looked up at me with look of utter confusion.
" I can't find my socks "
Sighing I walk over to his cupboard and pulled open a drawer inside pulling out a pair of fresh socks.
" Hurry "
" Thanks Ki Bum " he replied fingers slightly brushing mine when he reached out the for socks. My skin literally screamed out to his, but i sucked it in and nodded. Passing him Taemin's jacket as well before following him out to the main door.
" Bye hyung !!! " Taemin shouted as he ran down the stairs.
" Be safe " Jonghyun whispered as he passed me. I think he was too afraid of what might happen with me home alone.
Minho muttered a bye, too dazed by the maknae's energy.
Jinki turned around and flashed me a small smile " Sure you don't want to come… "
yes i want too.
" No its alright " I offered a small smile back and shut the door.
The moment their voices disappeared down the stairs I ran to the bedroom and pulled out my cigarettes and lighter before shutting myself in the toilet .
Taking a deep death of the nicotine , my entire soul eased out into the corners of my body.
It always so effortless, the way both us drove the opposite crazy. I don't know if he felt just as crappy as me , I only liked to think so cause it wasn't fair if I was the only one going through all this shit. Then again i could never wish anything bad onto Jinki, cause if something happened to him I might die.
And then at that moment i realized how much i regretted ending what we had. But what could be done now.
we never want what is good for us.
No matter what I did the pain was not ebbing away in my chest. I dug out my box from the side cupboard next to the mirror, the blade was too fast and things went to deep. I was convinced that soon enough the chemicals would run through my body and cure me but nothing happened. The world was spinning and I stopped knowing i had gone too far this time. I grabbed a towel and clutched on the slit i had made, waiting for the natural healing process to occur. My heart was beating ridiculously fast then slowly it seemed to calm down, regulating itself beat by beat.
I couldn't die here , in the cold toilet of the dorm that i shared with people i loved with my life.
Cleaning up my mess I took a shower before I settle myself in the living room , knees pressed against my chest aimlessly flipping through the TV.
My stomach grumbled in protest, it hadn't been fed the whole day. Hungry without and appetite. I ignored the strike and laid my head on the arm rest. Falliing asleep to the incessant chatter of the television.
Pairing : Onkey ( Jinkey )
Rated : NC-17 ( just to be safe )
Chapter : 1/2
Author : dribbledrabs
Author's Note : Its something I was really feeling through all the whole course of writing. Might be a bit too angst-y for most people , but angst is one of my favorite genres. Make up break up shake up. Hope you love it too.
PART TWO
why would anyone want to love, when it was all going to end anyway
When you break up with someone what are you really suppose to feel. Sad ? Angry ? Happy ? Free. I felt empty. Like a part of my soul had slipped out and left , the rest knowing it was never going to come back. How could nothing , be so suffocating. Every breath of air I took felt like the only reason I was still alive. There was no reason for me to be alive.
The stack of cigarettes by the side of me a lighted one held carefully between my dry lips. The bathroom floor was cold , just like the blade in my hand. Its sharp edge pressed against my skin gently going further and deeper. A sudden wave of endorphins rushed through my veins and I let out a deep sigh, throwing the blade into the bin leaving my hand carelessly by the side of my body waiting for the wound to heal itself back up.
My bad habits were back.
Why was it that your body only released endorphins when you were physically hurt, and do nothing with emotional pain when it was so much more unbearable.
I wasn't doing this because i wanted to die and I was definitely not crying our for attention. I just needed to feel that I was still alive , to feel happy even if it was only caused by the chemical reactions in my sorry excuse of a body.
Taking a last drag of the death stick , i stubbed the cigarette out in the toilet bowl and flushed it down. My blood had already begun to creak into the cracks of the floor tiles, I sighed and grabbed the shower head haphazardly spraying water anywhere i deemed fit , till the blood had swept away into the sewage.
I pulled my sweater at the sleeves till the ends covered even my fingers the sight action unintentionally revealing my shoulder. It was too big for me , but i liked it , it made everything easier. Hiding was easier.
Grabbing the air fresher I fumed the entire toilet to rid the smell of my smoking. When i was satisfied I pushed the handle on the toilet and stepped outside. Jonghyun had happened to walk pass and stopped when he heard the door knob rattle.
" Why were you in there for so long? "
I shrugged my shoulders and pushed pass him.
" Don't act like the world owes you anything , you both wanted this right ! "
" No one owes me anything Jjong, just shut up okay , I don't have the energy to pick a fight with you its fucking 2am in the morning "
" I know what you were doing inside, don't think I can't smell it off you "
" Fuck off " I shouted and shut the door to my room.
" Hyung , were you fighting" came a soft mutter .
" It was nothing Tae… go to sleep "
" I love you hyung " he muttered again before falling fast asleep. There was never a reason to not love the young maknae.
I glanced over to the other side of the room.
We broke up , not because we didn't love each other , we just felt things could be better. We didn't have the energy to salvage the fights, or the days where things just didn't work out. We wanted different things, had different goals and did things in different ways. So we decided that maybe we were better off being alone…. not alone really just not together , in a relationship. It was mutual, we both wanted it, we couldn't complain now.
Jinki was asleep, at least I hoped he was. I prayed he didn't hear me and Jjong's miniscule match outside. Even if he did what could I really do, nothing.
I pulled the blanket over my head and curled myself into the sheets. Praying that sleep would overwhelm me soon, so that i wouldn't start to cry. I had no right to cry , i wanted this.
love is like lucifer , always tying you down and locking you up.
I adjusted the accessories on my hand as well as the cuff and made sure it was on right. Right meaning covering the right wounds and scars.
" SHINEE ! You're on in 5 minutes, please make your way to the main stage soon " A man shouted while clumsily flipping through his clipboard and running out again.
My members were all prepped and ready , Minho and Taemin sitting together in one corner talking, keeping their hands off each other but you could see their skin aching.
" You two don't have to resist just because me and Jinki broke up , I don't mind and don't think Jinki does either "
I adjusted my hair and walked out of the room. Even if I was feeling like shit , I had to look good anyway.
Jinki was already waiting outside the room , perfect as always. Running his vocals through cords to make sure his voice didn't crack on stage.
" Hey , we should go "
" Oh Key , yeah lets…go "
The five of us walked confidently towards the stage , yet another performance, everyone felt like the first one. Nerves were jumpy, we were always playing around to calm them down, today was not different. Why should anything change.
Jinki gave me a funny look , a maybe this was a bad idea look. I hated how I read him like a freaking book , font size 100. His expressions and feelings, they were always so clear. I managed a weak smile , before turning away.
" Let's welcome SHINEE ! " , followed by a roaring cheer from the crowd we were up on stage.
Lucifer..……. how appropriate.
you're the bane of my existence
It had been 2 months or more since Jinki and I had decided we were better off without each other.
I was sitting alone in the kitchen , a warm cup of coffee clutched in my hands. Jinki on the other side of the table silent . We had just calmed down after yet another disagreement. The anger was gone all that it left was traces of disappointment and doubt in our relationship. Doubt if we were ever going to make this relationship work.
" Jinki maybe we should..…. "
" yes "
He knew what I was going to say , and maybe knew hat we both didn't want to hear it so he answered before i finished.
That night I told myself that the love was gone, because breaking up meant that there was no more love was it not. To leave someone mean that you no longer wanted to be with the person , and that you didn't need that person anymore.
At least that was what I thought , so when all the contradicting emotions filed me up over the 2 months of not being together I fell apart inside.
Nights when i felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't breathe I pulled a stick out of my small pack of cigarettes and ran to the toilet. The smoke cleared my lungs. Or nights when the pain was unbearable, the blade which had been ever so friendly with my wrists so many years ago , would meet again in a joyous celebration of bloody red wine.
No one knew or noticed, only Jjong. He was there those many years ago forcing me to kick the addiction, next to me when I woke up in cold sweat, or when I was falling unconscious because the cut had been slightly too deep. I owed him my life in so many ways, and now I was throwing away all the effort we both had made, running back to the only escape i knew.
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
All of us were at home on a thursday afternoon. We were finished with promoting Lucifer and finally getting some rest. Taemin was bouncing round the dorm with his new hair cut he got. It reminded me of our debut days , the tiny maknae with his classic bowl shaped hair shy and timid. Here he was with the same hair style , yet full of confidence and energy.
" Hyung! We're going out today , catch a movie maybe , if Manager hyung allows us , please come too "
A day alone at home , I wouldn't miss it for the world.
" Its alright Tae, I really need a rest my throat hurts "
A scoff came from Jjong , who looked at me and rolled his eyes " I don't see why it shouldn't be hurting "
" Shut up "
" Huh… oh okay , but if you change your mind let us know k ! " He jumped onto me with a huge hug and ran off to get changes, Jjong closely behind him.
" Miiiiiinnnhooooo " I heard the youngest one cry.
I turned to the burning charisma next to me who was engrossed in the soccer game and nudged him a little .
" cominggggg 5 minutes please ! " he shouted in reply.
I laughed a little, he could never let go of the sports channel. Once he had to pick between the channel and taemin ,it ended in him suffering from a major migraine.
Half an hour passed before they all were ready to leave. Taemin was already wearing he shoes when the rest were just shuffling out of their rooms. I walk to our room to grab Taemin's jacket , he had forgotten it once again.
Jinki was still in the room, looking around for something.
" better get going " I called out.
He looked up at me with look of utter confusion.
" I can't find my socks "
Sighing I walk over to his cupboard and pulled open a drawer inside pulling out a pair of fresh socks.
" Hurry "
" Thanks Ki Bum " he replied fingers slightly brushing mine when he reached out the for socks. My skin literally screamed out to his, but i sucked it in and nodded. Passing him Taemin's jacket as well before following him out to the main door.
" Bye hyung !!! " Taemin shouted as he ran down the stairs.
" Be safe " Jonghyun whispered as he passed me. I think he was too afraid of what might happen with me home alone.
Minho muttered a bye, too dazed by the maknae's energy.
Jinki turned around and flashed me a small smile " Sure you don't want to come… "
yes i want too.
" No its alright " I offered a small smile back and shut the door.
The moment their voices disappeared down the stairs I ran to the bedroom and pulled out my cigarettes and lighter before shutting myself in the toilet .
Taking a deep death of the nicotine , my entire soul eased out into the corners of my body.
It always so effortless, the way both us drove the opposite crazy. I don't know if he felt just as crappy as me , I only liked to think so cause it wasn't fair if I was the only one going through all this shit. Then again i could never wish anything bad onto Jinki, cause if something happened to him I might die.
And then at that moment i realized how much i regretted ending what we had. But what could be done now.
we never want what is good for us.
No matter what I did the pain was not ebbing away in my chest. I dug out my box from the side cupboard next to the mirror, the blade was too fast and things went to deep. I was convinced that soon enough the chemicals would run through my body and cure me but nothing happened. The world was spinning and I stopped knowing i had gone too far this time. I grabbed a towel and clutched on the slit i had made, waiting for the natural healing process to occur. My heart was beating ridiculously fast then slowly it seemed to calm down, regulating itself beat by beat.
I couldn't die here , in the cold toilet of the dorm that i shared with people i loved with my life.
Cleaning up my mess I took a shower before I settle myself in the living room , knees pressed against my chest aimlessly flipping through the TV.
My stomach grumbled in protest, it hadn't been fed the whole day. Hungry without and appetite. I ignored the strike and laid my head on the arm rest. Falliing asleep to the incessant chatter of the television.