Bad Habits ( Final Chapter )
Title : Bad Habits
Pairing : Onkey ( Jinkey )
Rated : NC-17 ( just to be safe )
Chapter : 2/2
Author : dribbledrabs
Author's Note : Final chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. comments are loved. Apologies for typo errors i tried to give it to you guys as soon as i could :D
PART ONE
Secrets hurt everyone , good or bad.
I woke up and glanced at the clock it was 4 in the afternoon. It seemed like no one was home yet , then I heard a stumble.
" What is this ? "
Such a familiar voice, such a unfamiliar tone. Jinki was clutching onto the bloody towel i must have forgotten in the toilet. I was blanked and didn't know how to react , trying to deny it was mine or giving some excuse could work but i was hopeless in situations when i was caught so entirely off guard.
" nothing " I stood and reached for the towel but he held it away.
" Key , what is this ? " His voice softer , afraid and scared.
" nothing ! just give it back , fuck! " he refused.
The other 3 had just walked in to hear my screaming.
I looked and Jonghyun and back to Jinki.
" Jinki go help Taemin and Minho alright "
Jinki wouldn't budge even though Jonghyun had retrieved the towel. Refusing to let his eyes leave mine until a answer had been given. His eyes were so sad and confused.
He knew what it was, he definitely did. I had told him about it on one occasion where we both just talking. He told me he didn't understand why I did it , but would never let me go through it again.
I remember him holding my hands in his as tears slipped down his cheeks. He muttered endless sorries , wishing he had been there to stop me from hurting himself.
Every night when we slept , he would never forget to land soft kisses on my hands, as if trying to heal them before pulling me closer to him.
I told him it had nothing to do with him, but he said the scars were enough to haunt him. Scars were everywhere.
The brown haired boy reached out and grabbed my hand rolling back the sleeves as i tried to struggle.
New ones and old ones, some were faint scars others were obviously new. The reddest one stood out the most, dried blood caked at the side of it. The one that left me dizzy in the bathroom , dizzy enough to leave a blood soaked towel carelessly on the counter top.
The damage was done.
" Let go of me Jinki "
" Does this really make you feel better ? "
" Don't ask me like you don't know my habits "
" Habits, you call this a habit , I call this a sick addiction "
" Whatever you want to think of it , just let me go " I shouted again.
His hold was so strong, i had to try so hard to break free but was still caught. It was so ironic because that was exactly what i felt with him. Trying so hard to break free , yet being caught like a bird with flightless wings, never ever being able to leave.
Taemin looked like he was going to cry , Minho holding on to him so tightly equally shocked.
When i finally managed to release myself from his grasp I ran , ran out he door. I didn't know where I was but when I calmed down I found myself at the open roof of our apartment block. I felt like I had ran forever, only to realized I didn't go very far.
Slumped down on the side of the wall I threw my head back against the hard cement. How could I have been so careless.
salvation comes in any form it goddamn wants to come in.
I don't know what time it was , the wind was getting chillier and stronger I was pacing around he roof my body numb from sitting
" I thought you wanted this " he reminded me. I turned around, he was walking towards me , he looked so warm.
" I did "
" So why are you doing this ? " he asked draping the warm felt blanket over my shoulders and wrapping me in it.
" Doing what ? " i asked as the warmth enveloped my body .
He gave up asking and just stood next to me as we looked out the the city bellow. There wasn't much , just shops and food, a random stranger running some where.
Pulling me by the "clean" hand he sat both of us down and took out a little bag from his pocket.
It was his first aid bag, the one he carried around because he was always so prone to accidents. Taking my hand in his I saw his brows meet with a sad sigh. Bitting his lip he rolled back the sleeves of my sweater and pulled out a bottle of disinfectant .
" You could die from a cut too deep or from a rusty blade which was it you were hoping for "
" I never cut too deep and I never reuse my blades "
" It hurst when you talk about it like its Uperfectly normal "
" I'm not normal "
The medicine stung like a bitch as he gently rolled it across the wound subsequently wrapping it up with gauze.
" Jinki ….. "
" yes ? " he asked
" will i ever get over us ? "
His hands stopped fumbling with the bandage and he looked up at me.
" Only if you want to "
" will you ? "
He gave me a smile but didn't reply.
Maybe he already did. He returned to what he was doing and when he was done he gave my hand a little pat and placed it back in my lap.
" Lets go back to the dorm , Taemin is really worried about you , he cried for an hour when you left " he stood up and stretched out his hand.
I nodded and reached out , pulling myself up.
we'll always find something worth it, always.
" Key hyung ! " Taemin shouted he ran and threw himself onto me , holding me slightly too tightly.
If it wasn't for Jinki behind me I would have fallen back .
" Hey kiddo , careful " he commented before walking past us to the couch with Minho who looked more than happy to see both of us.
The poor boy was trembling in my hands , guilt washed over me, this was what I had been afraid of all this while.
" I'm okay Taemin, don't worry "
" Don't die Key , I can't live without you , who's going to be my Umma and keep me safe without you . "
" I'm not dying Taemin!!! I don't want to die either !! "
" But the blood …. "
" Its nothing alright , have you eaten , better go eat , i can hear you stomach grumbling "
Minho pried the small boy from my body and pushed him to the kitchen, Jonghyun took the blanket from me and handed a jacket over.
" I remember telling you to be safe, "
" I am safe "
" Well I don't have to worry anymore , your secret is out , now its 4 of us against you , its going to be so much easier "
All of us sat together, i had no appetite but ate a little anyway because Taemin refused to eat if I didn't
I went back to the room after dinner and sat in bed.
" will i ever get over us ? "
His hands stopped fumbling with the bandage and he looked up at me.
" Only if you want to "
" will you ? "
He gave me a smile but didn't reply.
My mind running through the list of possibilities that there was a chance Jinki hadn't let go.
There was a small knock on the door , Jinki was standing there with a bowl in his hand.
" Ice cream ?"
I looked at him , not really concern about the bowl of melting goodness in his hand.
" Is it easy to let go ? "
You'd be surprised how appropriate it was to talk to someone who you just broke up with , about a break up.
Both of you were going through the same thing, so there could be no one better to share a conversation with on such a topic.
He sat the ice-cream down on the desk by the door and walked over sitting down next to me.
" I don't know "
" But you..… "
" I guess its harder when we both didn't want it to happen right ? "
" To me a break up means no love , a break up means nothing left "
" Do you really think there's nothing left in the spaces between us. Nothing left when our eyes meet in a crowded event. Really nothing? "
There was so many things, the jolt of electricity that ran through me when we accidentally brush pass each other , or when our eyes met silently calling out yet trying to stay away at the same time.
But maybe that was just me imagining things in my sorry head.
" I always hoped so " I confessed
" I've always known so " he replied.
There we sat in the quiet dimly lit room confessing to each other.
" What are we doing ? " i asked
" Being stubborn, we broke up because we thought it would be better for both of us , we were so different in so many ways, both selfish, and selfless at the same time "
I wanted the break up. I wanted it , i opened my mouth and asked for it. I shouldn't be the one crumbling inside because of it. Yet i was, I was the one cutting myself apart physically and mentally. Smoking away hoping my pain would drift off with the smoke and stop the burning pain , like how easy it was to stub the cigarette.
I’m walking on a broken roof, while I’m looking at the sky.
The kitchen we had was small, just enough for 2 maybe 3 to walk around inside and get things done. I usually chased everyone, it was really hard to get any thing done with people stealing food or simply hovering behind me .
That morning was the same, I woke up early bathed first and got dressed. The kitchen was empty , except for an empty plate with crumbs, pure evidence that Jonghyun had a midnight snack and was too lazy to clean it up.
I picked up the plate and placed it aside, it would have to join the rest in the dishwasher after breakfast was taken.
The fridge was ….. empty. Last 3 weeks had been a dramatic play off heartbreak and overcoming in , I hadn't overcome it but I had to take care of the family in some way. Taemin had been so shaken by the event he never let his eyes leave me, too afraid of what might happen. Minho always assured him but I knew he was scared too. Endless calls from the maknae and texts demanding me to reply before he called the police to report I was missing. I had no other way , only to pull my act together.
I picked up my hood and sunglasses deciding to head down to the food stall around the corner to grab some food before the hungry monsters woke up from slumber grumpy and whining.
The door shut noisily behind me as I slipped on my slippers and left. Thick fog hung around our hostel like a ghost , waiting for the sun come out fully and banish it to the darkness again. I followed the path to the little shop and placed my orders. I figured some warm soup stew and side dishes should be enough, rice had been left to cook in the rice pot.
The old lady took awhile so I just sat around and waited. Watching people go about their early morning chores. Seeing them feel happy over the slightest thing. For the split second I wished I was them not having to worry about the silliest things in life. Then again , Jinki wasn’t something silly.
The walk home seemed longer , it being an up hill walk. I took my own sweet time not to bothered about the people waiting at home. Breakfast was being served hot to them they could do with the small wait. When I reached the side of the small hill we lived on I saw a strange figure sitting by the stairs. Shoulders hunched together bent forward playing with his shoe laces in the most ridiculous of ways. I hadn’t really intended on disturbing him… her … it , whatever, but the staircase was being obstructed I didn’t have a choice.
“ Sorry , need to pass “
The figure looked up very much relieved to see my face.
“ Where did you go “ Jinki asked. How did he manage to wake up so early ? He was always the last out of bed. And we usually had to drag him out on his back . Well they did , it had been a while since I joined him in the fun filled chore of waking our dear Onew leader up.
“ Breakfast “ I replied lifting up the plastic bags in my hands.
“ Oh “
“Where were you going? “ I asked , curious to his reason.
“ I was afraid “
“ Of? “
“ I didn’t know where you went “
“ Jinki you know this is not good for the both of us “
“ No , I don’t. I don’t want to wake up one morning seeing you missing from you bed and realising that you’re never going to come back “
“ I won’t “
“ I don’t know that either “
“ Forget it “
I ignored him and walked up the steps to our tiny flat.
Things happened to fast , I’m not really sure if I the things I thought happened really did.
Jinki grabbed my hand and pulled me around his lips pressed on to mine. It was rough and wanting , filled with sadness along with the salty taste of tears.
“ Lets stop these games, I can’t take it “
I was silent as he spoke so softly , I could feel his lips move against mine as he made out the words. Voice cracking from pain and restrained sobs.
“ I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself, no… destroy us just because we’re both too bloody selfish. I can’t see you hurt yourself and have no say in it because you’re no longer mine “
His body was trembling , sadness pouring out from his skin. I wasn’t any better, my words remained stuck , I had nothing to say.
“ I don’t want to pretend I don’t care anymore. Game over kibum. We both lost “
we can only hope , that shooting stars carry our wishes and grant them.
My scars are still healing. The marks still white and bumpy. Occasionally I would run my fingers across them gently feeling the smooth odd texture bellow my tips.
Jinki’s scars are still healing. His fear that I was loveless. The heart that resided in him had be so careless torn apart like mine, only time could heal the wounds but it was these cracks and flaws that made things irreplaceable and perfect.
Our scars are still healing. Not just the two of us , all five. Taemin is still scared, Minho too. Jonghyun always looking out for the signs. I loved them , I could never hurt them, I could never hurt myself again.
Today , the rain was insistent. Pouring endlessly on the windows and it slid down crashing soundlessly on the window pane. It was cold in our dorm too, the temperature chillier than usual. Subconsciously my fingers brushed themselves back and forth on the scars. Feeling gently as if the more I rubbed it would fade away faster. I knew , I’d ought to be smarter. Scars were forever, you could only learn and get better , the existed to be a reminder.
My hands stopped brushing as a bigger pair held onto them, giving them warmth and life. They took both my hands and held them with such care as if they were and antique porcelain doll.
“ Your hands are so cold “ the soft warm voice whispered into my back as the lips that spoke them landed soft kisses on the marked wrist .
I smiled and leaned back comfortably into Jinki’s body. His chin now resting on my shoulder. Softly humming a tune. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. I have never been happier.
Sadness only exist because happiness acts as a comparison.
Pairing : Onkey ( Jinkey )
Rated : NC-17 ( just to be safe )
Chapter : 2/2
Author : dribbledrabs
Author's Note : Final chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. comments are loved. Apologies for typo errors i tried to give it to you guys as soon as i could :D
PART ONE
Secrets hurt everyone , good or bad.
I woke up and glanced at the clock it was 4 in the afternoon. It seemed like no one was home yet , then I heard a stumble.
" What is this ? "
Such a familiar voice, such a unfamiliar tone. Jinki was clutching onto the bloody towel i must have forgotten in the toilet. I was blanked and didn't know how to react , trying to deny it was mine or giving some excuse could work but i was hopeless in situations when i was caught so entirely off guard.
" nothing " I stood and reached for the towel but he held it away.
" Key , what is this ? " His voice softer , afraid and scared.
" nothing ! just give it back , fuck! " he refused.
The other 3 had just walked in to hear my screaming.
I looked and Jonghyun and back to Jinki.
" Jinki go help Taemin and Minho alright "
Jinki wouldn't budge even though Jonghyun had retrieved the towel. Refusing to let his eyes leave mine until a answer had been given. His eyes were so sad and confused.
He knew what it was, he definitely did. I had told him about it on one occasion where we both just talking. He told me he didn't understand why I did it , but would never let me go through it again.
I remember him holding my hands in his as tears slipped down his cheeks. He muttered endless sorries , wishing he had been there to stop me from hurting himself.
Every night when we slept , he would never forget to land soft kisses on my hands, as if trying to heal them before pulling me closer to him.
I told him it had nothing to do with him, but he said the scars were enough to haunt him. Scars were everywhere.
The brown haired boy reached out and grabbed my hand rolling back the sleeves as i tried to struggle.
New ones and old ones, some were faint scars others were obviously new. The reddest one stood out the most, dried blood caked at the side of it. The one that left me dizzy in the bathroom , dizzy enough to leave a blood soaked towel carelessly on the counter top.
The damage was done.
" Let go of me Jinki "
" Does this really make you feel better ? "
" Don't ask me like you don't know my habits "
" Habits, you call this a habit , I call this a sick addiction "
" Whatever you want to think of it , just let me go " I shouted again.
His hold was so strong, i had to try so hard to break free but was still caught. It was so ironic because that was exactly what i felt with him. Trying so hard to break free , yet being caught like a bird with flightless wings, never ever being able to leave.
Taemin looked like he was going to cry , Minho holding on to him so tightly equally shocked.
When i finally managed to release myself from his grasp I ran , ran out he door. I didn't know where I was but when I calmed down I found myself at the open roof of our apartment block. I felt like I had ran forever, only to realized I didn't go very far.
Slumped down on the side of the wall I threw my head back against the hard cement. How could I have been so careless.
salvation comes in any form it goddamn wants to come in.
I don't know what time it was , the wind was getting chillier and stronger I was pacing around he roof my body numb from sitting
" I thought you wanted this " he reminded me. I turned around, he was walking towards me , he looked so warm.
" I did "
" So why are you doing this ? " he asked draping the warm felt blanket over my shoulders and wrapping me in it.
" Doing what ? " i asked as the warmth enveloped my body .
He gave up asking and just stood next to me as we looked out the the city bellow. There wasn't much , just shops and food, a random stranger running some where.
Pulling me by the "clean" hand he sat both of us down and took out a little bag from his pocket.
It was his first aid bag, the one he carried around because he was always so prone to accidents. Taking my hand in his I saw his brows meet with a sad sigh. Bitting his lip he rolled back the sleeves of my sweater and pulled out a bottle of disinfectant .
" You could die from a cut too deep or from a rusty blade which was it you were hoping for "
" I never cut too deep and I never reuse my blades "
" It hurst when you talk about it like its Uperfectly normal "
" I'm not normal "
The medicine stung like a bitch as he gently rolled it across the wound subsequently wrapping it up with gauze.
" Jinki ….. "
" yes ? " he asked
" will i ever get over us ? "
His hands stopped fumbling with the bandage and he looked up at me.
" Only if you want to "
" will you ? "
He gave me a smile but didn't reply.
Maybe he already did. He returned to what he was doing and when he was done he gave my hand a little pat and placed it back in my lap.
" Lets go back to the dorm , Taemin is really worried about you , he cried for an hour when you left " he stood up and stretched out his hand.
I nodded and reached out , pulling myself up.
we'll always find something worth it, always.
" Key hyung ! " Taemin shouted he ran and threw himself onto me , holding me slightly too tightly.
If it wasn't for Jinki behind me I would have fallen back .
" Hey kiddo , careful " he commented before walking past us to the couch with Minho who looked more than happy to see both of us.
The poor boy was trembling in my hands , guilt washed over me, this was what I had been afraid of all this while.
" I'm okay Taemin, don't worry "
" Don't die Key , I can't live without you , who's going to be my Umma and keep me safe without you . "
" I'm not dying Taemin!!! I don't want to die either !! "
" But the blood …. "
" Its nothing alright , have you eaten , better go eat , i can hear you stomach grumbling "
Minho pried the small boy from my body and pushed him to the kitchen, Jonghyun took the blanket from me and handed a jacket over.
" I remember telling you to be safe, "
" I am safe "
" Well I don't have to worry anymore , your secret is out , now its 4 of us against you , its going to be so much easier "
All of us sat together, i had no appetite but ate a little anyway because Taemin refused to eat if I didn't
I went back to the room after dinner and sat in bed.
" will i ever get over us ? "
His hands stopped fumbling with the bandage and he looked up at me.
" Only if you want to "
" will you ? "
He gave me a smile but didn't reply.
My mind running through the list of possibilities that there was a chance Jinki hadn't let go.
There was a small knock on the door , Jinki was standing there with a bowl in his hand.
" Ice cream ?"
I looked at him , not really concern about the bowl of melting goodness in his hand.
" Is it easy to let go ? "
You'd be surprised how appropriate it was to talk to someone who you just broke up with , about a break up.
Both of you were going through the same thing, so there could be no one better to share a conversation with on such a topic.
He sat the ice-cream down on the desk by the door and walked over sitting down next to me.
" I don't know "
" But you..… "
" I guess its harder when we both didn't want it to happen right ? "
" To me a break up means no love , a break up means nothing left "
" Do you really think there's nothing left in the spaces between us. Nothing left when our eyes meet in a crowded event. Really nothing? "
There was so many things, the jolt of electricity that ran through me when we accidentally brush pass each other , or when our eyes met silently calling out yet trying to stay away at the same time.
But maybe that was just me imagining things in my sorry head.
" I always hoped so " I confessed
" I've always known so " he replied.
There we sat in the quiet dimly lit room confessing to each other.
" What are we doing ? " i asked
" Being stubborn, we broke up because we thought it would be better for both of us , we were so different in so many ways, both selfish, and selfless at the same time "
I wanted the break up. I wanted it , i opened my mouth and asked for it. I shouldn't be the one crumbling inside because of it. Yet i was, I was the one cutting myself apart physically and mentally. Smoking away hoping my pain would drift off with the smoke and stop the burning pain , like how easy it was to stub the cigarette.
I’m walking on a broken roof, while I’m looking at the sky.
The kitchen we had was small, just enough for 2 maybe 3 to walk around inside and get things done. I usually chased everyone, it was really hard to get any thing done with people stealing food or simply hovering behind me .
That morning was the same, I woke up early bathed first and got dressed. The kitchen was empty , except for an empty plate with crumbs, pure evidence that Jonghyun had a midnight snack and was too lazy to clean it up.
I picked up the plate and placed it aside, it would have to join the rest in the dishwasher after breakfast was taken.
The fridge was ….. empty. Last 3 weeks had been a dramatic play off heartbreak and overcoming in , I hadn't overcome it but I had to take care of the family in some way. Taemin had been so shaken by the event he never let his eyes leave me, too afraid of what might happen. Minho always assured him but I knew he was scared too. Endless calls from the maknae and texts demanding me to reply before he called the police to report I was missing. I had no other way , only to pull my act together.
I picked up my hood and sunglasses deciding to head down to the food stall around the corner to grab some food before the hungry monsters woke up from slumber grumpy and whining.
The door shut noisily behind me as I slipped on my slippers and left. Thick fog hung around our hostel like a ghost , waiting for the sun come out fully and banish it to the darkness again. I followed the path to the little shop and placed my orders. I figured some warm soup stew and side dishes should be enough, rice had been left to cook in the rice pot.
The old lady took awhile so I just sat around and waited. Watching people go about their early morning chores. Seeing them feel happy over the slightest thing. For the split second I wished I was them not having to worry about the silliest things in life. Then again , Jinki wasn’t something silly.
The walk home seemed longer , it being an up hill walk. I took my own sweet time not to bothered about the people waiting at home. Breakfast was being served hot to them they could do with the small wait. When I reached the side of the small hill we lived on I saw a strange figure sitting by the stairs. Shoulders hunched together bent forward playing with his shoe laces in the most ridiculous of ways. I hadn’t really intended on disturbing him… her … it , whatever, but the staircase was being obstructed I didn’t have a choice.
“ Sorry , need to pass “
The figure looked up very much relieved to see my face.
“ Where did you go “ Jinki asked. How did he manage to wake up so early ? He was always the last out of bed. And we usually had to drag him out on his back . Well they did , it had been a while since I joined him in the fun filled chore of waking our dear Onew leader up.
“ Breakfast “ I replied lifting up the plastic bags in my hands.
“ Oh “
“Where were you going? “ I asked , curious to his reason.
“ I was afraid “
“ Of? “
“ I didn’t know where you went “
“ Jinki you know this is not good for the both of us “
“ No , I don’t. I don’t want to wake up one morning seeing you missing from you bed and realising that you’re never going to come back “
“ I won’t “
“ I don’t know that either “
“ Forget it “
I ignored him and walked up the steps to our tiny flat.
Things happened to fast , I’m not really sure if I the things I thought happened really did.
Jinki grabbed my hand and pulled me around his lips pressed on to mine. It was rough and wanting , filled with sadness along with the salty taste of tears.
“ Lets stop these games, I can’t take it “
I was silent as he spoke so softly , I could feel his lips move against mine as he made out the words. Voice cracking from pain and restrained sobs.
“ I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself, no… destroy us just because we’re both too bloody selfish. I can’t see you hurt yourself and have no say in it because you’re no longer mine “
His body was trembling , sadness pouring out from his skin. I wasn’t any better, my words remained stuck , I had nothing to say.
“ I don’t want to pretend I don’t care anymore. Game over kibum. We both lost “
we can only hope , that shooting stars carry our wishes and grant them.
My scars are still healing. The marks still white and bumpy. Occasionally I would run my fingers across them gently feeling the smooth odd texture bellow my tips.
Jinki’s scars are still healing. His fear that I was loveless. The heart that resided in him had be so careless torn apart like mine, only time could heal the wounds but it was these cracks and flaws that made things irreplaceable and perfect.
Our scars are still healing. Not just the two of us , all five. Taemin is still scared, Minho too. Jonghyun always looking out for the signs. I loved them , I could never hurt them, I could never hurt myself again.
Today , the rain was insistent. Pouring endlessly on the windows and it slid down crashing soundlessly on the window pane. It was cold in our dorm too, the temperature chillier than usual. Subconsciously my fingers brushed themselves back and forth on the scars. Feeling gently as if the more I rubbed it would fade away faster. I knew , I’d ought to be smarter. Scars were forever, you could only learn and get better , the existed to be a reminder.
My hands stopped brushing as a bigger pair held onto them, giving them warmth and life. They took both my hands and held them with such care as if they were and antique porcelain doll.
“ Your hands are so cold “ the soft warm voice whispered into my back as the lips that spoke them landed soft kisses on the marked wrist .
I smiled and leaned back comfortably into Jinki’s body. His chin now resting on my shoulder. Softly humming a tune. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. I have never been happier.
Sadness only exist because happiness acts as a comparison.