Sick Addiction ( Jinki's POV of Bad Habits )
Title : Sick Addiction
What is it : Jinki’s POV of Bad Habits
Rating : NC-17 ( since the other one was too )
Author : dribbledrabs
A/N : I’m sorry if this is disappointing, I was extremely upset with myself for making you guys wait so long , I gave myself a deadline. Well today was the deadline. Please tell me if it sucked. I was too overwhelmed by youtubing SHINEE’s Hello comeback ^^ !
Enjoy… well yeah :D
It hurt too many times. Like a cold steel knife wedge in-between my heart , it kept reminding me of how much we weren't perfect for each other anymore. We use to be , then things got rough, harsh words, pointless arguments. Tears and scars.
Key was always the decisive one, cutting clearly where the lines were black, never going over on either sides.
We we sitting quietly , silence like a fog hanging around us, so thick , the same steel knife could never slice through. All i heard was the sound of the refrigerator buzzing away. The clock's ticking loud and deafening .
" Jinki maybe we should……..... " his voice so soft.
Then i stopped him , with the only answer I could manage out of my being.
" yes "
I knew what he was asking for , the seriousness in his face, the hint of sadness, the overfill of disappointment and frustration.
All I could do was give him what he wanted. For the entire time I had know Key, from the time our lives entertained , the time we lay in bed bodies close and wrapped around each other, the time when each other's presence made us happy. I knew I could never say to to anything he wanted.
He pushed his chair aside and got up , walking past me the air around him was cold , not the same. Things had thrown itself over the cliff. There was no turning back, still I prayed for chance.
We still talked , exchange words, but the new found distance was something we both could not handle not matter how hard we tried. At least I couldn't. Resisting the urge to grab his hand , pull him towards me, for that split second forgetting that he wasn't mine anymore.
Nights at home , when he would run off and disappear . I could smell the cigarette off his skin but had no position to say anything. I watched him disintegrate , and all I could do was to turn my back and walk away or pull myself deeper under the quilt and pretended to be fast asleep.
Voices floated into the room like a rush of wind. Jonghyun and Key were fighting again. I pushed my quilt downwards and sat up , checking if Taemin had stirred from the sleep. The poor boy was always so stressed and it took him a lot of difficulty to fall asleep. The room was dark so I could barely make anything out. It didn’t matter because the door nob rustled a bit before it turned and was pushed open. Jinki hurriedly hit the bed and pretended to be asleep.
There was some rustling of feet, a little sigh. Before silence filled the room once more. Tomorrow was another day , one I dreaded waking up too.
Mornings were cold as usual. I refused to drag myself away from the comforts of my bed but Taemin was already jumping around me , telling me to hurry. Today was our day off but instead of sleeping , which I thought we should , they wanted to go out and catch a movie. Then again , our schedules were so bloody tight we never had time for ourselves.
I was dragged to the toilet by Minho and Taemin, literally dragged , they dumped me on the cold bathroom floors and left me there. Struggling to get up , I took my own sweet time to wash up before I walked out with a more than annoyed Taemin still jumping around.
“ Is everyone ready ? “ I asked him.
“ Yes ! , key hyung’s not going , so we’ll be back for dinner alright ! “ I nodded my head,
Why didn’t Key want to go , was it cause of me, the awkwardness.
I didn’t have time to think with our Maknae shouting through out the dorm, I looked around trying to find my socks.
This was entirely frustrating, I had so many pairs and saw them lying everywhere all the time, but when I needed them , none , were to be found. It sucked.
“ better get going “
I turned around , very confused by the sock thief, and why he was there.
“ I can’t find my socks “
He sighed , with a small , I hadn’t seen that in awhile. Walking over to my cupboard he rummaged a little in a drawer and pulled out a pair of fresh socks and held it out.
“ Hurry “
“ Thanks Ki Bum “ I grabbed the socks, fingers lightly touching his.
I missed that so much. He looked away and grabbed Taemin’s jacket passing it to me , the baby must have forgotten it in the midst of excitement.
“ Sure you don’t want to come “ I asked when we were almost out the door.
He shook his head and told me it was alright. I returned it with a smile before he shut the door and we were off for the day.
The car ride to the movies was an endless journey of sining and songs, as if we were in a bloody norebang. Yet somehow my mind wouldn’t stop floating back to the apartment.
We were gonna watch Avatar. Taemin was dying to watch it , well he could have sooner if he had not gotten into a fight with Minho , but then again , it got the older boy to know where his priorities lay. ( my other story : always forgotten 2MIN )
With manager hyung in toll we arrived at the cinema , trying hard to be very inconspicuous,, and not entirely failing. We stood away from each other, people tend to get suspicious when it was a big group of people, by big they meant 5. Deciding against sunglasses because that was usually the trigger , we wore hoodies and made sure they pulled over our faces.
I stood around with Jonghyun while hyung went to get the tickets.
“ What happened between you two ? “ he asked out of the blue catching me off guard and very much afraid. Even I was unsure of what actually was happening.
“ Just a breakup , don’t all couples go through it ? “
“ not when its something you are willing to die for, you never give up something you are willing to die for “
“ I haven;t given up , I’ve just silenced myself to an eternity of heartache to grant the one I’m willing to die for what he wants.”
: and you’re so sure thats what he wants ? “
“ Yes , he asked for it “
“ I hope so. “
Jonghyun simply nodded his head , it seemed mockingly, but I smiled like I always do and waved excitedly when our Manager walked towards us with popcorn, drinks and tickets.
He was our father away from home. People always assumed he treated us like crap and overworked us, but really he was the one who nursed us back to health when we were sick , when we were sad he’d stay up all night to comfort us and made sure we got enough rest. He’d do anything to protect us like any father even if it meant hurting us or even our fans when they go too rough.
The movie was far by the most awesomeness thing I had ever seen. For a lack of better description , it was just awesome ,and that was the only word I managed out every time they asked me how it was simply awesome.
Taemin was still hyped up , when Minho asked me if we should buy dinner home instead of making Key cook. He said Key seemed more tired that usual and he was sick anyway. I wasn’t oblivious to it , I just, well I just tried my best not to notice. I didn’t want to.
We bought chicken. Hot , fried , crispy , yummy chicken.
We were dumped at the entrance of the building our dorm resided in , Hyung still had errands to run , schedules to arrange , people to meet. Sometimes he worked worst ours then us and it had to be difficult taking care of 5 kids , acting as their chauffeur, mother, father and maid.
I went up first, the other three still wanting to buy drinks and deserts. The house was quiet, I pressed the pin to our door an pushed it open gently.
Across the room , Key was asleep , quietly curled up on the couch. I walked over and kneeled down in front of him. His brows knotted at the centre made him look like he was in some sort of pain. Hands clenched into fist pulled tightly towards his chest.
Shouldn’t sleep be peaceful and serene. I was short of waking him up but decided against it. I pulled a blanket that had been carelessly left around over him. Taemin would wake him up later.
Walking to the kitchen I pulled out a couple of plates and got the chicken ready. Now to wait for the other three to be back. I swear the chicken was calling out to me. Our sink was piled high with dishes from breakfast this morning that I could barely wash my hands.
The bathroom seemed like a better option.
The floor was wet and I tried my best not to slip on the tiles.
I tried my best not to topple the hand wash , Key would scream at me.
I tried my best not to scream , when I picked out a white towel , laced with blood.
Stumbling a little I caught a hold on the door.
Blood, why was there so much blood, It seemed to hit me , right there. The pain seared through me like a hot iron. With the towel tightly in my hand I stepped outside.
The sleeping figure must have stirred when I stumbled , he was awake, sitting up in his seat lazily rubbing his eyes , the blanket bunched up around at his ankles.
“ What is this ? “ I asked , I could feel my voice trembling while I took deep breaths to try and calm myself.
His hands dropped to his side, shock registering in his eyes. There was a breath of silence, he was looking for an answer, and I prayed it wasn’t the one I knew.
“ Nothing “ He walked over and tried to reach for the towel.
Our bodies were so close, we hadn’t been this close in weeks. The walls of distance we had build seemed to crumble down, in that split second, his face was a breath away from mine.
“ key , what is this “ I asked a second time , voice softer , as if trying to lull him for an answer.
“ Nothing , just give it back fuck ! “ He wasn’t crying , but when you don’t cry its because the pain has gone way past what your tears can handle. I wasn’t crying either.
The door fell shut , and I turned my head to see the other 3 walk in with their groceries.
Jonghyun didn’t look as shock as the two maknae’s did. Key eyes flew to him like his was pleading and begging for help.
Jonghyun walked over trying to speak to me I couldn’t hear him very well. My senses blocked trying hard to focus on Key’s frail body , his pain and the blood.
I knew what it was , I was stupid for thinking we were alright. Every night convincing ourselves that this was what we wanted. That being apart emotionally from each other would make us better , better at work , better at everything we did . That life would maybe better if I hoped enough.
I held his hand tightly in mine as he struggled. I knew what it was , in that moment I rolled up his long sleeve , like a mask that hid away all things ugly, I wished I was wrong , and prayed that I was wrong. That when I lifted the veil , everything would be perfect, and smooth.
No one could have ever been more wrong. His wrists like a monument wall defaced with graffiti was filled with a gradient of lines from red to a darker maroon brown before turning lighter and finally fading to white. Leaving behind white bumps of reminders.
The wrist that had once been unscarred except for a few faint almost invisible scars. Was now filled with them, each one seemed deeper and longer with each execution.
How could I have been so stupid to think such a habit that could be so easily taken up , be discarded so easily.
When I had first seen them so long ago, I felt like apart of me had detached itself. Why couldn't I have been there to stop it , and swore to myself as well as Key that it would never happen again . That I’d be there to stop it , because I loved him and could never see him hurt himself ever. It was worst than plunging a knife into me. So much fucking worst.
I loved him ,I still do , but I didn’t stop it. I wasn’t there to stop it. What had I done.
We were both in pieces now, pieces of a chess games, in random places all over the black and white tiles. A war , were a fighting a war against each other, this game of chess, waiting to see who would last till the end , who’d be the last to give in.
" Let go of me Jinki " He muttered through his teeth.
" Does this really make you feel better ? "
" Don't ask me like you don't know my habits "
" Habits, you call this a habit , I call this a sick addiction "
" Whatever you want to think of it , just let me go "
After a painful struggle he pulled his hand out of my grasp the second he noticed I was distracted and ran out the door away from me.
The gush of wind was cold, like frost bite.
I slumped to the ground , a loud thud as I hit the floor.
“ Jinki , “ Jonghyun muttered as he sat beside me.
“ Did you know “ I asked coldly.
“ yes “
“ And you thought it was okay if I didn’t “
“ yes “
“ what ?! “ I turned to him and shouted.
“ We both know Key has his own way of dealing with this , as much as I hate it and am scared and worried, I’m to worried of the worst things he might do “
“ and you didn’t tell me because ? “
“ because …… Jinki are you happier finding out ? “
“ No “
“ thats why “
Taemin was on the couch with Minho, shaking with sobs, Minho trying hard to calm him down. Gently stroking his back.
Why couldn’t Key have the same kind of normal reaction to fear and sadness.
Jonghyun stood up and pulled me up. I walked over to the baby and sat down next to him.
“ hey, Taemin , look at me “
The younger one looked up , his cheeks red from crying , face still wet from tears.
“ Key will be okay alright, we’re just having a hard time “
“ Hyung, don’t you love Key hyung anymore ? “
“ I …….. “
“ You don’t? “
“ I do Taemin , “
“ Then why don’t you show it , both of you ? “
“ I guess we don’t know how too “
And I got the answer I wanted from the youngest of the five of us. I didn’t move as I hugged the younger one. Minho trying to deal with the shock as well, right hand over his chest clutching tightly trying to calm himself down.
When Taemin had stopped crying , the sky outside was dark and quiet. Key still wasn’t home, I wanted to give him time alone and was sure after he saw the look on Taemin’s face he would never try to do anything stupid.
I gave the now calmed maknae back to Minho who gently pressed a kiss to his forehead and told him gently things would be alright.
Grabbing the blanket which had been forgotten in the midst of commotion, I slipped on a pair of slippers and walked out the door.
Rooftop.
Quiet and away from the world. He’d always run up there when things got tiring and messy, after our fights.
Even apart , we were still the same, we knew the same things about each other, knew the same places we would hide, the same emotions, the same reactions.
Then when you breakup with someone , why do you pretend that you no longer know each other. That you don’t care , that it doesn’t matter. Why do you think that the would be different, because really they are the same person with out without you.
The steps up to the roof was long , I felt the cold draft flowing into the staircase and shivered slightly.
Gently pushing the doors open , I saw him leaned over the edge, looking down at what had to be the streets bellow him , a hand running through his hair before allowing it to fall again.
I stepped through the door and walked towards him , the blanket tightly in my hands.
“ I thought you wanted this “ I asked the wind carrying my words gently. Maybe he didn’t want this anymore , I certainly never did.
“ I did “ He replied. My heart fell a little.
“ Then why are you doing this ? “ I took the blanket and draped it over his shoulders. He seemed to let out a breath of relief when the fabric touched his shoulders. He must have been shivering here the entire time.
“ Doing what ? “
I sighed at gave up. I detested the way he answered a question with another question so that he could run away from the responsibility of answering it .
Gently I pulled his right hand , it was the one without the cuts I made sure not to hurt him further. We sat down and I pulled my first-aid bag from my pocket , it was a small one , incase my condition sprung into action somewhere somehow. I carefully pushed back the sleeve my heart ached at the sight , but I tried to muffle the sigh. Dabbing the cotton bud on the disinfectant I rolled the cotton part over the wounds.
I tried so hard to stay calm as we talked, it was difficult. The way he spoke about his habits like the were perfectly normal.
“ Jinki “
“ yes ? “ I replied, my sight still not leaving the wounds and I pulled out the gauze from the bag.
“ Will I ever get over us ? “
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him ,
“ Only if you want to . “
“ Will you? “ he asked again.
Never, Kibum , I will never get over us.
Still I didn’t utter a sound and gave him a smile. I gently tied the gauze in place , making sure that it wouldn’t fall off. When that was done , we got up and headed downstairs. Key was worried about Taemin, feeling extremely guilty for putting the young maknae through all that.
A shout and a large figure threw himself on to Key knocking the wind right out of him.
“ Key Hung ! “
I caught Key by the shoulders and stabled both of them on their feet telling him to be careful before walking away.
They definitely needed their mother and child talk, one that I wasn’t really prepared to be involved. Parenting was NEVER my forte I always left it to Key.
Plonking myself down next to Minho , he looked at me very relief to see both of us alive and kicking.
“ What happened ? “
I shrugged my shoulders while the mother and son made their way to the kitchen hand in hand for dinner. We followed behind , taking out places at the table. Even though there was chicken in front of me , I wasn’t hungry. Taemin kept piling Key’s bowl with food , making sure the older on wouldn’t run away from dinner. When that was done , I washed up with Jonghyun while Key excused himself to the room to rest.
Taemin looked worried when Key left the table , but his boyfriend assured him that Key was just tired and needed the rest. He nodded half convinced.
Pulling out the ice cream from the freezer I scooped out 4 bowls and poured a generous amount of chocolate sauce all over topping it with whip cream. It was a messy job , Key usually did this. He did so many things around here, the moment he was down, everything seemed hard to handle. I handed the rest their share of desert then carried the last bowl in my hands and walked to the bedroom.
I gave the door a light knock before pushing it open , Key looked up from what ever he was doing and smiled a little.
“ ice cream? “ I offered.
“ Is it easy to let go ? “ he answered, well asked actually.
I placed the ice cream down by my desk and sat down next to him at the edge of the bed.
“ I don’t know “ I replied , how would I know , I had yet to even bother trying.
“ But.. “
“ I guess its harder when we both didn’t want it to happen right ? “
" To me a break up means no love , a break up means nothing left " It was a statement like one of Key’s many life values.
I felt hurt , a numbing ache in my chest, no one could cut someone out of their life so fast and so cleanly. But Key was so different , he was not the same as everyone else.
It seemed like a never ending silence.
“ I always hoped so “ Like a confession to a new found love , a confession that love is really worth more than anything , a confession that fell from his lips.
“ I’ve always know so “
I wasn’t going to stand by anymore. I wasn’t going to let Key choose the roles and determined how we played our parts.
Not this time, for our sake, for the both of us.
The sun poured through the windows. My body shifted around in the sheets, trying to find a spot where the sun wouldn’t reach me. The burning sensation was so painful, not physically but I basically didn’t want to get out of bed.
10 minutes of tossing around and sat up in bed to find the rest still asleep.
I wanted to throw myself back onto the pillow and shut my eyes , but something nudged me to get of bed. When I did, I realised Key wasn’t there anymore. I threw my blanket aside and ran out the bedroom. Looking around the kitchen and the toilet.
Where was he?
The kitchen seemed like someone had touched it , The pans ready on the stove but not food being cooked. The dustbin was filled with overdue food.
I tried to think , tried to breathe.
It had been three weeks , since that they we both came down from the roof top, Key more or less convinced to pick himself up in some way. I was still trying to push my way back into his life, but his walls were strong , though the were made of a pretence
Running back to the room I pulled open his drawer , his keys were missing, great but he left his phone there. Maybe he just went out to get something. Hurriedly I grabbed my hoodie from the cupboard and slipped on my running shoes before running down the steps.
Left or Right ?
I looked around , the air was still foggy and I couldn’t see very well.
If I turned left , what if Key was heading home from the right and I missed him , the same for the left. I didn’t know why I was panicking. Key was coming back anyway wasn’t he.
Should I go back up and alert the rest , then I decided not to , they would only add to the panic. Taemin might start crying and we’d all loose it .
Sighing , I let my butt rest on the first flight of steps. Key had to pass here to get back to their dorm. It was cold as I pulled the jacket tighter around me.
Where was he ?
Did he bring his jacket ? He still wasn’t eating properly , what if he got sick , or fainted along the road and no one saw him.
My fingers impatiently playing with my laces. Tying them and retying them again, I felt semi-schizophrenic .
“ Sorry , need to pass “
A voice poking me out of my obsessive lace tying.
I looked up , very much relieved .
“ Where did you go ?! “
“ Breakfast “ He replied showing me the bags of food he bought.
“ Oh “
“ Where were you going “ he emphasised the YOU, as if taunting me for a good enough reason. I was never awake this early and he knew it .
I was awake because my six sense had gotten me up the moment he left the dorm . Allowing a wave of panic and fear wash over me.
“ I was afraid “ I replied softly .
“ Of ? “
“ I didn’t know where you went “
My answer seemed simple enough , but we both knew what I mean and where this conversation was heading.
As usual he ran, in his speech and his actions.
“ Jinki , you know this is not good for the both of us “
“ No , I don’t. I don’t want to wake up one morning seeing you missing from you bed and realising that you’re never going to come back “
My voice seemed almost desperate.
“ I won’t “
“ I don’t know that either “
“ Forget it “
He pushed past me and started to walk up the remaining flights to our apartment.
I wasn’t going to let him go this time , I wasn’t going to let us go though another day. If Key’s bloody ego was too big , I’d let him step all over mine.
I wanted him back , I wanted my baby back in my arms for me to love and protect , to hold him and know that he was safe from even himself. I had been a fool for to fucking long to believe that this was what he wanted.
Chasing after him up the steps I grabbed his hands and pulled him back wards. Catching him and pinning him against the wall, my lips on his. I didn’t know if I was crying or if it was him.
“ Lets stop these games, I can’t take it “ I muttered against his lips, my breath was short , like I was almost gasping for air. “ I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself, no… destroy us just because we’re both too bloody selfish. I can’t see you hurt yourself and have no say in it because you’re no longer mine “
I felt him relax into me , his hand holding on to my wrists. Like a chess games with only two kings left on the board, it was a draw , both sides had lost everything. Salvaging was out of the question, all they could do now was to places the pieces back to where they belong and restart.
I didn’t want to play this stupid chess game anymore. Never .
“ I don’t want to pretend I don’t care anymore. Game over Kibum. We both lost “
When you love someone you’d never let them go , because letting go is simply saying you don’t love them enough. Theres not such thing as ‘ its better ‘ . If you really are better without the person you’ve loved so recklessly like in any relationship, they wouldn’t have been very important.
The weather was cold , I could hear the rain crashing on the streets and roofs outside. A light rumble from the sky occasionally. I turned around in bed to find the sheets empty, pulling the clock from the bed side I checked it , the red lights marked 10.00am
Pushing the sheets as it bunched up at my feet and stepped out of bed and slipped on my house slippers the floors were cold even thought he heaters were on.
I looked around , Minho was surfing the net with Taemin in the study room while Jonghyun was busy cooking himself a bowl of ramen.
Key was sitting my the window pane, hands held together gently rubbing his wrist. A habit he always had after the wounds had healed leaving only a white line and a reminder.
I walked over and sat down behind him pulling closer to me wrapping my hands over his. Mine were always slightly bigger, maybe cause I was older.
The were chilly and ice cold as I rubbed them gently to give them some warmth. Before planting soft kisses on them.
He leaned back into me and I held him closer resting my chin on his thin shoulder. This was the way things should be.
What is it : Jinki’s POV of Bad Habits
Rating : NC-17 ( since the other one was too )
Author : dribbledrabs
A/N : I’m sorry if this is disappointing, I was extremely upset with myself for making you guys wait so long , I gave myself a deadline. Well today was the deadline. Please tell me if it sucked. I was too overwhelmed by youtubing SHINEE’s Hello comeback ^^ !
Enjoy… well yeah :D
It hurt too many times. Like a cold steel knife wedge in-between my heart , it kept reminding me of how much we weren't perfect for each other anymore. We use to be , then things got rough, harsh words, pointless arguments. Tears and scars.
Key was always the decisive one, cutting clearly where the lines were black, never going over on either sides.
We we sitting quietly , silence like a fog hanging around us, so thick , the same steel knife could never slice through. All i heard was the sound of the refrigerator buzzing away. The clock's ticking loud and deafening .
" Jinki maybe we should……..... " his voice so soft.
Then i stopped him , with the only answer I could manage out of my being.
" yes "
I knew what he was asking for , the seriousness in his face, the hint of sadness, the overfill of disappointment and frustration.
All I could do was give him what he wanted. For the entire time I had know Key, from the time our lives entertained , the time we lay in bed bodies close and wrapped around each other, the time when each other's presence made us happy. I knew I could never say to to anything he wanted.
He pushed his chair aside and got up , walking past me the air around him was cold , not the same. Things had thrown itself over the cliff. There was no turning back, still I prayed for chance.
We still talked , exchange words, but the new found distance was something we both could not handle not matter how hard we tried. At least I couldn't. Resisting the urge to grab his hand , pull him towards me, for that split second forgetting that he wasn't mine anymore.
Nights at home , when he would run off and disappear . I could smell the cigarette off his skin but had no position to say anything. I watched him disintegrate , and all I could do was to turn my back and walk away or pull myself deeper under the quilt and pretended to be fast asleep.
Voices floated into the room like a rush of wind. Jonghyun and Key were fighting again. I pushed my quilt downwards and sat up , checking if Taemin had stirred from the sleep. The poor boy was always so stressed and it took him a lot of difficulty to fall asleep. The room was dark so I could barely make anything out. It didn’t matter because the door nob rustled a bit before it turned and was pushed open. Jinki hurriedly hit the bed and pretended to be asleep.
There was some rustling of feet, a little sigh. Before silence filled the room once more. Tomorrow was another day , one I dreaded waking up too.
Mornings were cold as usual. I refused to drag myself away from the comforts of my bed but Taemin was already jumping around me , telling me to hurry. Today was our day off but instead of sleeping , which I thought we should , they wanted to go out and catch a movie. Then again , our schedules were so bloody tight we never had time for ourselves.
I was dragged to the toilet by Minho and Taemin, literally dragged , they dumped me on the cold bathroom floors and left me there. Struggling to get up , I took my own sweet time to wash up before I walked out with a more than annoyed Taemin still jumping around.
“ Is everyone ready ? “ I asked him.
“ Yes ! , key hyung’s not going , so we’ll be back for dinner alright ! “ I nodded my head,
Why didn’t Key want to go , was it cause of me, the awkwardness.
I didn’t have time to think with our Maknae shouting through out the dorm, I looked around trying to find my socks.
This was entirely frustrating, I had so many pairs and saw them lying everywhere all the time, but when I needed them , none , were to be found. It sucked.
“ better get going “
I turned around , very confused by the sock thief, and why he was there.
“ I can’t find my socks “
He sighed , with a small , I hadn’t seen that in awhile. Walking over to my cupboard he rummaged a little in a drawer and pulled out a pair of fresh socks and held it out.
“ Hurry “
“ Thanks Ki Bum “ I grabbed the socks, fingers lightly touching his.
I missed that so much. He looked away and grabbed Taemin’s jacket passing it to me , the baby must have forgotten it in the midst of excitement.
“ Sure you don’t want to come “ I asked when we were almost out the door.
He shook his head and told me it was alright. I returned it with a smile before he shut the door and we were off for the day.
The car ride to the movies was an endless journey of sining and songs, as if we were in a bloody norebang. Yet somehow my mind wouldn’t stop floating back to the apartment.
We were gonna watch Avatar. Taemin was dying to watch it , well he could have sooner if he had not gotten into a fight with Minho , but then again , it got the older boy to know where his priorities lay. ( my other story : always forgotten 2MIN )
With manager hyung in toll we arrived at the cinema , trying hard to be very inconspicuous,, and not entirely failing. We stood away from each other, people tend to get suspicious when it was a big group of people, by big they meant 5. Deciding against sunglasses because that was usually the trigger , we wore hoodies and made sure they pulled over our faces.
I stood around with Jonghyun while hyung went to get the tickets.
“ What happened between you two ? “ he asked out of the blue catching me off guard and very much afraid. Even I was unsure of what actually was happening.
“ Just a breakup , don’t all couples go through it ? “
“ not when its something you are willing to die for, you never give up something you are willing to die for “
“ I haven;t given up , I’ve just silenced myself to an eternity of heartache to grant the one I’m willing to die for what he wants.”
: and you’re so sure thats what he wants ? “
“ Yes , he asked for it “
“ I hope so. “
Jonghyun simply nodded his head , it seemed mockingly, but I smiled like I always do and waved excitedly when our Manager walked towards us with popcorn, drinks and tickets.
He was our father away from home. People always assumed he treated us like crap and overworked us, but really he was the one who nursed us back to health when we were sick , when we were sad he’d stay up all night to comfort us and made sure we got enough rest. He’d do anything to protect us like any father even if it meant hurting us or even our fans when they go too rough.
The movie was far by the most awesomeness thing I had ever seen. For a lack of better description , it was just awesome ,and that was the only word I managed out every time they asked me how it was simply awesome.
Taemin was still hyped up , when Minho asked me if we should buy dinner home instead of making Key cook. He said Key seemed more tired that usual and he was sick anyway. I wasn’t oblivious to it , I just, well I just tried my best not to notice. I didn’t want to.
We bought chicken. Hot , fried , crispy , yummy chicken.
We were dumped at the entrance of the building our dorm resided in , Hyung still had errands to run , schedules to arrange , people to meet. Sometimes he worked worst ours then us and it had to be difficult taking care of 5 kids , acting as their chauffeur, mother, father and maid.
I went up first, the other three still wanting to buy drinks and deserts. The house was quiet, I pressed the pin to our door an pushed it open gently.
Across the room , Key was asleep , quietly curled up on the couch. I walked over and kneeled down in front of him. His brows knotted at the centre made him look like he was in some sort of pain. Hands clenched into fist pulled tightly towards his chest.
Shouldn’t sleep be peaceful and serene. I was short of waking him up but decided against it. I pulled a blanket that had been carelessly left around over him. Taemin would wake him up later.
Walking to the kitchen I pulled out a couple of plates and got the chicken ready. Now to wait for the other three to be back. I swear the chicken was calling out to me. Our sink was piled high with dishes from breakfast this morning that I could barely wash my hands.
The bathroom seemed like a better option.
The floor was wet and I tried my best not to slip on the tiles.
I tried my best not to topple the hand wash , Key would scream at me.
I tried my best not to scream , when I picked out a white towel , laced with blood.
Stumbling a little I caught a hold on the door.
Blood, why was there so much blood, It seemed to hit me , right there. The pain seared through me like a hot iron. With the towel tightly in my hand I stepped outside.
The sleeping figure must have stirred when I stumbled , he was awake, sitting up in his seat lazily rubbing his eyes , the blanket bunched up around at his ankles.
“ What is this ? “ I asked , I could feel my voice trembling while I took deep breaths to try and calm myself.
His hands dropped to his side, shock registering in his eyes. There was a breath of silence, he was looking for an answer, and I prayed it wasn’t the one I knew.
“ Nothing “ He walked over and tried to reach for the towel.
Our bodies were so close, we hadn’t been this close in weeks. The walls of distance we had build seemed to crumble down, in that split second, his face was a breath away from mine.
“ key , what is this “ I asked a second time , voice softer , as if trying to lull him for an answer.
“ Nothing , just give it back fuck ! “ He wasn’t crying , but when you don’t cry its because the pain has gone way past what your tears can handle. I wasn’t crying either.
The door fell shut , and I turned my head to see the other 3 walk in with their groceries.
Jonghyun didn’t look as shock as the two maknae’s did. Key eyes flew to him like his was pleading and begging for help.
Jonghyun walked over trying to speak to me I couldn’t hear him very well. My senses blocked trying hard to focus on Key’s frail body , his pain and the blood.
I knew what it was , I was stupid for thinking we were alright. Every night convincing ourselves that this was what we wanted. That being apart emotionally from each other would make us better , better at work , better at everything we did . That life would maybe better if I hoped enough.
I held his hand tightly in mine as he struggled. I knew what it was , in that moment I rolled up his long sleeve , like a mask that hid away all things ugly, I wished I was wrong , and prayed that I was wrong. That when I lifted the veil , everything would be perfect, and smooth.
No one could have ever been more wrong. His wrists like a monument wall defaced with graffiti was filled with a gradient of lines from red to a darker maroon brown before turning lighter and finally fading to white. Leaving behind white bumps of reminders.
The wrist that had once been unscarred except for a few faint almost invisible scars. Was now filled with them, each one seemed deeper and longer with each execution.
How could I have been so stupid to think such a habit that could be so easily taken up , be discarded so easily.
When I had first seen them so long ago, I felt like apart of me had detached itself. Why couldn't I have been there to stop it , and swore to myself as well as Key that it would never happen again . That I’d be there to stop it , because I loved him and could never see him hurt himself ever. It was worst than plunging a knife into me. So much fucking worst.
I loved him ,I still do , but I didn’t stop it. I wasn’t there to stop it. What had I done.
We were both in pieces now, pieces of a chess games, in random places all over the black and white tiles. A war , were a fighting a war against each other, this game of chess, waiting to see who would last till the end , who’d be the last to give in.
" Let go of me Jinki " He muttered through his teeth.
" Does this really make you feel better ? "
" Don't ask me like you don't know my habits "
" Habits, you call this a habit , I call this a sick addiction "
" Whatever you want to think of it , just let me go "
After a painful struggle he pulled his hand out of my grasp the second he noticed I was distracted and ran out the door away from me.
The gush of wind was cold, like frost bite.
I slumped to the ground , a loud thud as I hit the floor.
“ Jinki , “ Jonghyun muttered as he sat beside me.
“ Did you know “ I asked coldly.
“ yes “
“ And you thought it was okay if I didn’t “
“ yes “
“ what ?! “ I turned to him and shouted.
“ We both know Key has his own way of dealing with this , as much as I hate it and am scared and worried, I’m to worried of the worst things he might do “
“ and you didn’t tell me because ? “
“ because …… Jinki are you happier finding out ? “
“ No “
“ thats why “
Taemin was on the couch with Minho, shaking with sobs, Minho trying hard to calm him down. Gently stroking his back.
Why couldn’t Key have the same kind of normal reaction to fear and sadness.
Jonghyun stood up and pulled me up. I walked over to the baby and sat down next to him.
“ hey, Taemin , look at me “
The younger one looked up , his cheeks red from crying , face still wet from tears.
“ Key will be okay alright, we’re just having a hard time “
“ Hyung, don’t you love Key hyung anymore ? “
“ I …….. “
“ You don’t? “
“ I do Taemin , “
“ Then why don’t you show it , both of you ? “
“ I guess we don’t know how too “
And I got the answer I wanted from the youngest of the five of us. I didn’t move as I hugged the younger one. Minho trying to deal with the shock as well, right hand over his chest clutching tightly trying to calm himself down.
When Taemin had stopped crying , the sky outside was dark and quiet. Key still wasn’t home, I wanted to give him time alone and was sure after he saw the look on Taemin’s face he would never try to do anything stupid.
I gave the now calmed maknae back to Minho who gently pressed a kiss to his forehead and told him gently things would be alright.
Grabbing the blanket which had been forgotten in the midst of commotion, I slipped on a pair of slippers and walked out the door.
Rooftop.
Quiet and away from the world. He’d always run up there when things got tiring and messy, after our fights.
Even apart , we were still the same, we knew the same things about each other, knew the same places we would hide, the same emotions, the same reactions.
Then when you breakup with someone , why do you pretend that you no longer know each other. That you don’t care , that it doesn’t matter. Why do you think that the would be different, because really they are the same person with out without you.
The steps up to the roof was long , I felt the cold draft flowing into the staircase and shivered slightly.
Gently pushing the doors open , I saw him leaned over the edge, looking down at what had to be the streets bellow him , a hand running through his hair before allowing it to fall again.
I stepped through the door and walked towards him , the blanket tightly in my hands.
“ I thought you wanted this “ I asked the wind carrying my words gently. Maybe he didn’t want this anymore , I certainly never did.
“ I did “ He replied. My heart fell a little.
“ Then why are you doing this ? “ I took the blanket and draped it over his shoulders. He seemed to let out a breath of relief when the fabric touched his shoulders. He must have been shivering here the entire time.
“ Doing what ? “
I sighed at gave up. I detested the way he answered a question with another question so that he could run away from the responsibility of answering it .
Gently I pulled his right hand , it was the one without the cuts I made sure not to hurt him further. We sat down and I pulled my first-aid bag from my pocket , it was a small one , incase my condition sprung into action somewhere somehow. I carefully pushed back the sleeve my heart ached at the sight , but I tried to muffle the sigh. Dabbing the cotton bud on the disinfectant I rolled the cotton part over the wounds.
I tried so hard to stay calm as we talked, it was difficult. The way he spoke about his habits like the were perfectly normal.
“ Jinki “
“ yes ? “ I replied, my sight still not leaving the wounds and I pulled out the gauze from the bag.
“ Will I ever get over us ? “
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him ,
“ Only if you want to . “
“ Will you? “ he asked again.
Never, Kibum , I will never get over us.
Still I didn’t utter a sound and gave him a smile. I gently tied the gauze in place , making sure that it wouldn’t fall off. When that was done , we got up and headed downstairs. Key was worried about Taemin, feeling extremely guilty for putting the young maknae through all that.
A shout and a large figure threw himself on to Key knocking the wind right out of him.
“ Key Hung ! “
I caught Key by the shoulders and stabled both of them on their feet telling him to be careful before walking away.
They definitely needed their mother and child talk, one that I wasn’t really prepared to be involved. Parenting was NEVER my forte I always left it to Key.
Plonking myself down next to Minho , he looked at me very relief to see both of us alive and kicking.
“ What happened ? “
I shrugged my shoulders while the mother and son made their way to the kitchen hand in hand for dinner. We followed behind , taking out places at the table. Even though there was chicken in front of me , I wasn’t hungry. Taemin kept piling Key’s bowl with food , making sure the older on wouldn’t run away from dinner. When that was done , I washed up with Jonghyun while Key excused himself to the room to rest.
Taemin looked worried when Key left the table , but his boyfriend assured him that Key was just tired and needed the rest. He nodded half convinced.
Pulling out the ice cream from the freezer I scooped out 4 bowls and poured a generous amount of chocolate sauce all over topping it with whip cream. It was a messy job , Key usually did this. He did so many things around here, the moment he was down, everything seemed hard to handle. I handed the rest their share of desert then carried the last bowl in my hands and walked to the bedroom.
I gave the door a light knock before pushing it open , Key looked up from what ever he was doing and smiled a little.
“ ice cream? “ I offered.
“ Is it easy to let go ? “ he answered, well asked actually.
I placed the ice cream down by my desk and sat down next to him at the edge of the bed.
“ I don’t know “ I replied , how would I know , I had yet to even bother trying.
“ But.. “
“ I guess its harder when we both didn’t want it to happen right ? “
" To me a break up means no love , a break up means nothing left " It was a statement like one of Key’s many life values.
I felt hurt , a numbing ache in my chest, no one could cut someone out of their life so fast and so cleanly. But Key was so different , he was not the same as everyone else.
It seemed like a never ending silence.
“ I always hoped so “ Like a confession to a new found love , a confession that love is really worth more than anything , a confession that fell from his lips.
“ I’ve always know so “
I wasn’t going to stand by anymore. I wasn’t going to let Key choose the roles and determined how we played our parts.
Not this time, for our sake, for the both of us.
The sun poured through the windows. My body shifted around in the sheets, trying to find a spot where the sun wouldn’t reach me. The burning sensation was so painful, not physically but I basically didn’t want to get out of bed.
10 minutes of tossing around and sat up in bed to find the rest still asleep.
I wanted to throw myself back onto the pillow and shut my eyes , but something nudged me to get of bed. When I did, I realised Key wasn’t there anymore. I threw my blanket aside and ran out the bedroom. Looking around the kitchen and the toilet.
Where was he?
The kitchen seemed like someone had touched it , The pans ready on the stove but not food being cooked. The dustbin was filled with overdue food.
I tried to think , tried to breathe.
It had been three weeks , since that they we both came down from the roof top, Key more or less convinced to pick himself up in some way. I was still trying to push my way back into his life, but his walls were strong , though the were made of a pretence
Running back to the room I pulled open his drawer , his keys were missing, great but he left his phone there. Maybe he just went out to get something. Hurriedly I grabbed my hoodie from the cupboard and slipped on my running shoes before running down the steps.
Left or Right ?
I looked around , the air was still foggy and I couldn’t see very well.
If I turned left , what if Key was heading home from the right and I missed him , the same for the left. I didn’t know why I was panicking. Key was coming back anyway wasn’t he.
Should I go back up and alert the rest , then I decided not to , they would only add to the panic. Taemin might start crying and we’d all loose it .
Sighing , I let my butt rest on the first flight of steps. Key had to pass here to get back to their dorm. It was cold as I pulled the jacket tighter around me.
Where was he ?
Did he bring his jacket ? He still wasn’t eating properly , what if he got sick , or fainted along the road and no one saw him.
My fingers impatiently playing with my laces. Tying them and retying them again, I felt semi-schizophrenic .
“ Sorry , need to pass “
A voice poking me out of my obsessive lace tying.
I looked up , very much relieved .
“ Where did you go ?! “
“ Breakfast “ He replied showing me the bags of food he bought.
“ Oh “
“ Where were you going “ he emphasised the YOU, as if taunting me for a good enough reason. I was never awake this early and he knew it .
I was awake because my six sense had gotten me up the moment he left the dorm . Allowing a wave of panic and fear wash over me.
“ I was afraid “ I replied softly .
“ Of ? “
“ I didn’t know where you went “
My answer seemed simple enough , but we both knew what I mean and where this conversation was heading.
As usual he ran, in his speech and his actions.
“ Jinki , you know this is not good for the both of us “
“ No , I don’t. I don’t want to wake up one morning seeing you missing from you bed and realising that you’re never going to come back “
My voice seemed almost desperate.
“ I won’t “
“ I don’t know that either “
“ Forget it “
He pushed past me and started to walk up the remaining flights to our apartment.
I wasn’t going to let him go this time , I wasn’t going to let us go though another day. If Key’s bloody ego was too big , I’d let him step all over mine.
I wanted him back , I wanted my baby back in my arms for me to love and protect , to hold him and know that he was safe from even himself. I had been a fool for to fucking long to believe that this was what he wanted.
Chasing after him up the steps I grabbed his hands and pulled him back wards. Catching him and pinning him against the wall, my lips on his. I didn’t know if I was crying or if it was him.
“ Lets stop these games, I can’t take it “ I muttered against his lips, my breath was short , like I was almost gasping for air. “ I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself, no… destroy us just because we’re both too bloody selfish. I can’t see you hurt yourself and have no say in it because you’re no longer mine “
I felt him relax into me , his hand holding on to my wrists. Like a chess games with only two kings left on the board, it was a draw , both sides had lost everything. Salvaging was out of the question, all they could do now was to places the pieces back to where they belong and restart.
I didn’t want to play this stupid chess game anymore. Never .
“ I don’t want to pretend I don’t care anymore. Game over Kibum. We both lost “
When you love someone you’d never let them go , because letting go is simply saying you don’t love them enough. Theres not such thing as ‘ its better ‘ . If you really are better without the person you’ve loved so recklessly like in any relationship, they wouldn’t have been very important.
The weather was cold , I could hear the rain crashing on the streets and roofs outside. A light rumble from the sky occasionally. I turned around in bed to find the sheets empty, pulling the clock from the bed side I checked it , the red lights marked 10.00am
Pushing the sheets as it bunched up at my feet and stepped out of bed and slipped on my house slippers the floors were cold even thought he heaters were on.
I looked around , Minho was surfing the net with Taemin in the study room while Jonghyun was busy cooking himself a bowl of ramen.
Key was sitting my the window pane, hands held together gently rubbing his wrist. A habit he always had after the wounds had healed leaving only a white line and a reminder.
I walked over and sat down behind him pulling closer to me wrapping my hands over his. Mine were always slightly bigger, maybe cause I was older.
The were chilly and ice cold as I rubbed them gently to give them some warmth. Before planting soft kisses on them.
He leaned back into me and I held him closer resting my chin on his thin shoulder. This was the way things should be.