it's not like being sick alot makes it any easier to let the time go on with out you. (in case you were wondering).

i realize i have become self conscious. every time i have to walk down stairs infront of someone. or opt for the elevator. before it seemed people looked after me because they were checking out my ass, now it feels like every eye is watching my limp, staring at my cane, staring with pity and curiosity and something that makes me feel shame. it' ( Read more... )

we got the cutest most perfect softest little girl puppy yesterday! josh was up at six in the morning playing with her cause she was wide awake. she is so funny! we are having so much fun!!!

that ballet classes will remain a fond memory. not the thing i do to feel calm on a friday afternoon (california in all its smog filled misery offered its days unselfishly ( Read more... )

there is always a back story. behind-the-scenes. a girl dressed in black putting the props in my hands.

let him shoot me down.

so we went to see wedding crashers last night which was undeniabley one of the funniest films i have seen in a long time. those two boys delivered the witty lines so well i felt i was there with them and the premise of the movie, well who can argue that isn't the funniest thing that has come up in some time. however, the entire comedic value of ( Read more... )

1. josh's arms around me as i fall asleep
2. white tea or coffee
3. sad songs on gray days
4. to-do lists, to-buy lists, to-eat lists, to-read lists (etc.)
5. cape cod sunsets
6. red meat
7. larry to come home
8. letters from/to my friends
9. christmas eve. (santa claus)
10. a kitchen to cook in

content. at last.

i say the word calm over and over in my head. picture green calm. imagine the red anxiety is leaving. all the things my therapist told me. and yet still my hand shakes. i notice that my jaw is clenched so tight my mouth can hardly open when i am done. its summer for gods sake how could i feel this way on a cape cod beach day. with the salty ( Read more... )