Smosh Fic: What It Was Before (Chapter 4)
Title: What It Was Before (Chapter 4)
Ratng: NC-17 ish
Pairings: Ian/Anthony, Anthony/OC
Genre/Warnings: Angst, OOC, Drama
Summary: Ian comes out of a coma caused by a car accident to find himself feeling like a stranger in his own life. Anthony struggles with the idea that his best friend had almost died
Chapter Summary: Remembering and acknowleding are two different things.
Previous Chapters: One, Two, Three
Anthony’s overnight stays in Ian’s bed had become a frequent thing up to a point where one rainy, cold, night he slipped into the covers even before Ian had the chance to turn off the lights.
Ian didn’t mind, even banished the initial embarrassment of sleeping next to his male best friend. Every night he watched Anthony’s chest rise and fall as he fell to dreams and hearing another breath beside him lulled Ian to sleep better than a dark empty room. If anyone asked, it was the unspoken excuse that Ian was hurt and it was just more convenient for his caretaker to be closer in the night.
There would be small touches. Toes grazing shins or fingers tickling sides where fabric would slide open to reveal bare skin. Sometimes these touches would last all night and Ian would wake up with an elbow trapped under his arm or a face so close, he could smell what Anthony was; warm skin and milk with the scent of California wet sand.
And then the dreams began. It used to be just Ian and Anthony together, doing ordinary things. But then it turned into Ian watching Anthony, wanting Anthony and then touching Anthony.
They became more vivid every time and Ian feared that one of these nights, he would cry Anthony’s name out loud and wake up to find himself already coming, repeating the morning at the hospital. It wasn’t a gradual realization that Anthony was Ian’s wet dream but something that struck him full force. He had fallen asleep and dreamed and he dreamed wild colours, burning sensations and Anthony doing things to him that made his eyes roll back and his skin heat and drench itself with hot sweat.
He had woken up, gulping air like he had been under water the whole night. His hair stuck to his neck and his forehead and there was a hard thumping all throughout his body as it reverberated with intense desire.
Then he had remembered, probably the most important thing about himself. And Ian had to fight himself not to admit it. He didn’t want to but as the memories and feelings flooded into his consciousness, it got harder and harder to deny.
Ian had felt breathless then, like everything had crashed down and he had fallen faster and was now buried deep underneath it all. He didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know why he had forgotten something so profound, so important in his life.
It scared him so much.
These feelings had always been there, as he realized after, going through everything that was Anthony in his mind. They hadn’t made sense at first to Ian and he had dismissed them as friendship that was incredibly deep and strong. But now when Ian wakes every night with an itch etched into every bone of his body, he knew it was much more than a love between best friends.
So he kept it secret; kept it hidden like he had before his mind had been wiped away and slowly pieced together. He would take this guilty and disgusting feeling inside of him and never let it go.
With all these racing, forbidden thoughts placed in front of him like a disguised harmless pathway to hell, Anthony was even farther away. Ian didn’t dare to press Anthony further about what happened the night of the accident or his relationship with Makayla. And as he turned his back to a sleeping Anthony, Ian knew he had forgotten these things for a reason.
The first time Ian was able to walk ten steps without his crutches, he was ecstatic. He wanted to jump up and shout, spin in a circle and hug Anthony who was clapping his hands as if Ian had performed an extraordinary stunt.
“Caught it all on tape, boys,” Ian’s therapist said as the two best friends gave each other high fives. Ian teetered a little sideways, his body weary from the exercise and Anthony lent him a shoulder to lean on. These times of physical contact always made Ian shake even more.
It had been two weeks since Ian had left the hospital. Every other day he would go in for physical therapy, work his arms and fingers, stand and sit and today, he walked, all on his own.
“That was amazing,” Anthony breathed, smiling and ruffling Ian’s hair. Ian let out a whoop, so excited that he could walk again after weeks of struggling to even move this foot forward. The cast on his arm and leg had been taken off and he no longer had to suffer from the itch and heat from a limb being encrusted in plaster. He still had problems holding onto things but he was many times better than he was two weeks ago. “Another week and you won’t need that damn wheelchair anymore.”
“Yeah, can’t wait,” Ian said, turning so that they were face to face and Ian’s face instantly softened being so close. He was breathing hard, chest heaving as eventually Anthony turned away, guiding him to a seat. Ten steps looked easy but for Ian whose body struggled with the simplest of tasks, ten steps was a testament of great accomplishment.
“You did very good today, Ian,” Dr. Ma said, handing Anthony their camcorder. “I’m really happy with what you’ve been able to do so far. Next week, we can work on your walking again.”
Ian nodded, still breathless from the exercise. “Thanks, doc.”
Dr. Ma smiled, patting Ian cheerfully on the back. He helped Ian back into his wheelchair and led the two friends to the doors of the hospital.
“Alright, you get lots of rest. I’ll see you two on Monday.”
They came to the hospital parking lot and it was cold for a March day. The rows of cars worried Ian just a little; thinking that with so many cars, it should be hell in the hospital.
“When are you meeting Makayla again?” Ian asked. He was sombre now that Anthony would be leaving him for the day to the care of his mother. He still wondered what was going on between Makayla and Anthony but he had decided if Anthony wanted to talk about it, he would eventually.
“I’m just going to drop you off and then I’ll go get her,” Anthony said. He sped up towards a speed bump but swerved the chair around just in time, laughing when Ian cried in mock terror.
“Dude, can’t I just stay at home alone? My mom’s going to be a pain in the ass.”
“It’s only for a few hours. Deal with it.”
Ian huffed, crossing his arms. “You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but she’s worse than you.”
“Too bad, bitch,” Anthony laughed, stopping abruptly in front of his car. “At least she’s not staying overnight.”
“Thank baby Jesus,” Ian cried, looking up at the sky with his hands in the air. Ian was able to set himself into the car and had little trouble putting on his seat belt. Anthony came into the car, his cell phone in his hands.
“Makayla just texted me,” Anthony said, clicking his phone to stand by and starting the car. “She’s at our house already.”
Ian’s good mood deflated a bit and he forced a teasing smile. “Sounds a little desperate, man. Maybe you should be worried.”
Anthony shrugged and backed out of their spot.
“Where are you two going?” Ian asked, a little curious. He was trying to turn on the camera but he was having trouble pressing the tiny buttons. His hand shook and he stopped it by pulling hard at his hair out of frustration and nervousness.
“The River Walk,” Anthony replied, “And stop that.” He grabbed Ian’s hand out of his hair and clicked in disappointment.
Ian frowned, giving up on the camera and resting back heavily in the seat. He watched for a few moments as they drove down the road, trees splintering the in-between winter and spring light. Ian sneaked small glances at Anthony. He was driving with a too concentrated face and a red hue stained his cheeks from the chilly air. His hair was messier today more than usual because Anthony had had no time to shower since they both had woken up late. And Ian wanted badly to feel Anthony’s hair between his fingertips, roll the soft tuffs of brown in clumps and wondered if it would feel like velvet. Ian turned his gaze back to scenery outside, trying hard to direct his thoughts elsewhere.
But a nagging pecked at his throat and before he could think, Ian had said it, “Do you love her?”
Ian scrunched his eyes closed, regret instantly creeping up his face. He didn’t want to know, he had told himself over and over again but at the same time, wondered countless times this question and many more. He cursed inside and unrealistically hoped Anthony hadn’t heard the question even if the car was silent save for the rumbling of the road and the engine.
Anthony didn’t answer but Ian knew he had heard. He bit his lip as he opened one eye to look at Anthony. His smile had slipped off his face and he now had that same distant look that Ian could not figure out.
Then, “I do...” Anthony said, turning to give Ian a classic goofy face, “love your mom!”
Ian opened both eyes and suddenly burst into laughter too loud out of nervousness. The weighted anxiety lifted off of him a little when Anthony looked over at him, eyes sparkling with a small smile.
Ian didn’t need to know, not right now. He was fine being ignorant and a small part of himself was glad his memory was unclear and damaged because another part within knew knowing was probably worse.
“I’m sorry again about last week,” she said, leaning into him as they walked hand in hand down the Sacramento River Walk. Tourists were few at that time of year and the river glistening to their right made it the perfect quiet afternoon stroll.
“No, it’s alright.” Anthony pulled her in close as a breeze drifted lazily by. “Are you warm enough?”
Makayla nodded and gave him a peck on the cheek. She grazed a hand along his chin and took his lips into a kiss. Anthony took a second to look at her; freckled cheeks and long dark lashes. He kissed her back and this was probably the first time they had in weeks. It was no wonder she had been angry at him and Anthony wondered why he hadn’t missed this as much as her.
They pulled away and began walking again. They passed food stands and ate, talked about things like work, school and parents and just enjoyed each other’s company. The topic of Ian was carefully avoided and Anthony had to stop himself several times seeing that mostly anything he talked about involved his friend. It ended up with Makayla doing most of it.
This was comfortable. Anthony and Makayla fit well together and it felt familiar to wrap an arm around her thin shoulders. It was good to bump elbows and tease each other; laugh and just do mushy couple things together. But it wasn’t the same as two months ago when all Anthony wanted was to see her and touch her and be with her.
Now as they sat down on a bench with Makayla’s head on his shoulder and the smell of sweetness wafting into his nose, Anthony could not help thinking whether he should buy a corndog for Ian or not. He didn’t think Ian would like the noodles his mom was going to cook. He usually liked things that didn’t need utensils.
Anthony hadn’t thought spending a few hours with his mother could be that bad. But when Anthony had gone to say good-bye, Ian had looked like somebody had kicked him. He almost wanted to laugh at how melodramatic Ian was.
“What are you thinking about?” Makayla asked, taking him out of his reverie.
Anthony laughed in his head, turning red outwardly, lying, “Uh... just about how nice this is.” He hoped this was what she wanted to hear.
“This is, isn’t it?” she sighed, letting her lips flutter against his neck. Anthony fought the reflex to flinch, weird discomfort spreading down his spine. “I was thinking about something that would be even better.”
“Oh?” he whispered, closing his eyes as she kissed his neck.
“Mmm-hmm.”
“What’s that?” he had hardly been able to say that, too distracted by what Makayla was doing with her hands. He was only minimally aware of the many people around them. She slipped her fingers beneath his thigh, slithering close to his crotch.
“Living together,” she whispered slow, pressing hard at the centre of his pants. “Sleeping next to each other, every night.” She placed a kiss on the base of his neck. “Waking up with you.” He stifled a gasped and pushed her hand away, moving sideways so that there was distance between them again. “What is it?” She looked surprised and a bit angry.
“Not out here!” Anthony whispered furiously, crossing his legs in embarrassment. Makayla laughed and leant her body back against him and kissing him on the mouth. Anthony looked around to make sure no one had seen but there weren’t many people to begin with.
“Since when had that stopped us?” She grinned knowingly and Anthony was vaguely reminded of several instances where they had done things out in public and it had sent a thrill down and straight into his cock. But today, it wasn’t the same and he found himself not really wanting any of it. “I thought of something: I could move in with you and Ian.”
“W-What?” Anthony looked out at the blue river, her words registering slowly.
“We don’t have to go out and find a completely different place,” she continued, “I can just move in with you and that way, you can keep on doing your YouTube stuff with Ian. How’s that going anyway?”
“Fine,” he said absentmindedly. They had put up a few vlogs but not a real Friday video yet. “Wait? Move in with me and Ian?”
“Yeah and... It’s kind of why I came over to your house today,” she said, sheepishly. Makayla took his hand in hers. “While you were speaking with Mrs. H, I talked to-”
“You talked to Ian?” Anthony turned back to her. The haze from their make-out session disappearing fast. “What did you say to him?”
“I just asked him what he thought about it, that’s all.” Makayla looked taken aback. It wasn’t a big deal for her but this was something Anthony needed to avoid with Ian.
“What the hell?” Anthony spat, sudden fury flashing in his face. His mind went back to the night of the accident. “What are you doing? Didn’t you think to see if I agreed before getting Ian into this?”
“Well, it’s quite obvious the reason you can’t agree is because of Ian.” Makayla gripped his hand tight and he knew she was trying to bite back her own frustration.
“It’s not his fault,” he said and took his hand away from hers.
“What’s the matter with you?” Makayla questioned, trying to keep her voice down, her brows furrowed and mouth askew with confused anger. “Why is it so bad that I asked Ian? It’s not like I’m saying this is for real.”
He wanted to shout at her; tell her about the night of the accident. How Ian had been hurt and angry and-
Anthony shook his head, the irrational fear of it happening again threatening his thoughts.
“Never mind,” he said, settling to breathe through his teeth instead of doing anything else. “It doesn’t matter. You already did it.”
He didn’t have to look at Makayla to know that she was probably going to spit poison at him. Living together was something both light and heavy for them. It was light for Makayla because it was something natural for her. It was something you did eventually with the person you love. For Anthony, it was something heavy because he had so many things to leave behind.
“God, Anthony, it’s always about Ian!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up.
He didn’t acknowledge her, too wound up in his own thoughts, “You shouldn’t have said anything. You know how he feels about you.”
“What?”
“He might not remember it, but you said no to him.”
She shook her head, quick. “I never said that.”
“You did, Makayla. Don’t play dumb,” Anthony accused, “He liked you and that’s why I never wanted to tell him about us living together. It was bad enough I didn’t even notice he liked you.”
“You’ve got it all wrong,” she said firmly and before Anthony could retort, she said, “He said no to me.”
Anthony stopped, his reasoning spinning away from him. What did she mean?
Makayla said again, “I asked him. He said no.” She almost sneered at him. “And you can’t live with your best friend forever, Ant.”
“But... but,” Anthony faltered, “I assumed Ian and you had-“
“You really don’t know?” she breathed, running a hand through her hair.
“That he said no?” There was a stirring of a vision; Ian standing on the edge of the sidewalk, mouth open with words escaping that burned Anthony’s veins. The ultramarine of his eyes turning dark.
“No,” she said firmly. She was calm now as if explaining something to a child. “Anthony, he never liked me.”
“He did,” Anthony denied, “That’s why he was always avoiding us.”
Makayla’s anger seemed to have died. Seeing his confusion, she quietly explained, “I thought that too but... I had a different feeling. Even before we started dating.”
Anthony looked down at her. “What ‘feeling’?” he asked when she didn’t elaborate, “You’re making it sound like something really fucked up.”
Makayla bit her lip and fiddled with her bracelet. She looked up at him with reluctance and eyes that pleaded for Anthony to know and inside, he had a glimmer of what she might have meant.
So he urged her to say something, knowing what she might be thinking but hoping she would say another. “I know him, Kay. I know how he gets when he’s jealous.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he was,” She almost scoffed at him, but went back to looking at him with a sigh. “But he wasn’t jealous of you.”
Anthony felt a kind of nipping at the tail of his mind. “What are you trying to say?”
“I don’t know, Anthony. You figure it out,” Makayla said, standing up and facing him with a look between hurt and weary acceptance. “Just the way he looks at you. It’s not that hard to notice. And now, you-” She choked, adverting her eyes but then settled to look straight into his own angry, puzzled ones. “A lot of things have changed... but , Anthony, I still love you. And...” she stuttered, wiping the dewy shine forming in her blue eyes. The sun met with the river and its light created an orange gleam over everything.
Anthony looked up at her and stood, taking her into his arms and slipping a hand through her smooth hair.
“And I really wish that you did too,” she whispered.
There was a sort of sick twisting in his stomach.
Makayla and Anthony - living together. He would have to see them every day. He would have to watch them fall in love and love each other. And he would have to sleep alone in his bed with an icy, bare side next to him. Ian shook his head. Anthony shouldn’t be sleeping next to him in the first place.
“Honey, I’m leaving now,” Ian’s mom called from the hallway. She appeared at the door of Ian’s room. “Anthony’s back. He’s just going to drive me home.”
“Okay, Mom,” he answered, covering his face with the covers. She sat down beside him, tugging the blanket away from him with strength that surprised Ian every time. She smiled at him and ran a hand over his forehead.
“Go eat some of the noodles I cooked, okay?” Ian’s mom bent down and placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek. He cringed and complained, wiping his face with a scrunched up disgusted look. Ian heaved at the thought of noodles and how the long pasta would be writhing inside of him, stirring up the acid to burn his insides. “C’mon, big boy.” She gripped his shoulders and pulled him up easily. Sometimes moms could be frightening.
“Okay, okay, I’m up,” Ian said, taking his mom’s hands gently away from him. He was able to sit back in his wheelchair on his own and followed his mother out of his room. She said her good-nights and scolded him for not being willing to visit her more often. She then gestured to the food and plates neatly arranged on the kitchen counter.
She left him with another embarrassing kiss and a wave, walking out the front door where Anthony’s car lit up the twilight outside.
Ian growled as his stomach rumbled. He succumbed to trying to feed himself, something he would not have been able to do if he weren’t alone. It would also be his only opportunity to practice walking by himself as well without worried eyes and hands five inches away everywhere he went.
Makayla had asked him what he thought about her living with the boys. His immediate thought was to shout at her face and tell her she could go fuck herself. It was something that almost overcame his rational thinking and also an old feeling as Ian realized. It had come out of some where in the depths of his hidden memories.
These couple of days, he had been remembering more than usual.
But Ian wasn’t like he was before, so he put a show in smiling and shrugging, opting to put all responsibility to Anthony. He had told her he was fine with whatever Anthony decided. Another person in the house wasn’t a big deal, he had reassured her.
Ian wheeled himself to the counter, placing a sticky hot hand on the cold surface. He heaved himself up and his legs almost gave in beneath but he managed to slam another hand on the counter to steady himself. His arms shook and he felt like he had been lifting two hundred pound weights, except it was his useless body that he was trying to hold up.
“Stupid Anthony,” Ian grunted, holding a breath as he put one foot forward. The second step was followed by a curse at his best friend’s lack of interest in talking to Ian about anything important. He made it to the plate of food eventually, sweat swimming in the roots of his hair.
“Fuck you,” he spat, glaring at the noodles.
Ian took the fork in his hand, gripping hard and he almost smiled when he was able to lift it a few inches off the table. But he still had to carry the plate to the dining table and he turned around, looking at the ten feet between here and there. It was a long way to go for Ian’s rattled and exhausted body.
His mother would probably rage and carry him with her sudden adrenaline back to his wheelchair if she saw Ian right now; huffing and puffing and sweating like he had run a marathon.
But he wanted to do this. Because it let him do something with himself instead of staring at the wall and eating his food, thinking about life with Makayla waking up next to Anthony.
Ian bit his lip, grabbing the plate too fast out of unprecedented anger and watching it shake in his hands before it fell to pieces at his bare feet. The plate left triangular spangled porcelain and greasy noodles sliding across the tiled floor.
Ian had broken his plate.
Chapter 5
A/N: Okay, I lied before.. Not much slash this chapter. And I've never been to Cali/Sacramento before so if I butchered the way River Walk is supposed to be, sorry!
I'm actually going to ask for con-crit this time. I should be asking it for every chapter, actually. >_> So! Give me your best shot. I don't like sugar. Gimme the bitter stuff!
Want more Smosh slash?
Ratng: NC-17 ish
Pairings: Ian/Anthony, Anthony/OC
Genre/Warnings: Angst, OOC, Drama
Summary: Ian comes out of a coma caused by a car accident to find himself feeling like a stranger in his own life. Anthony struggles with the idea that his best friend had almost died
Chapter Summary: Remembering and acknowleding are two different things.
Previous Chapters: One, Two, Three
Anthony’s overnight stays in Ian’s bed had become a frequent thing up to a point where one rainy, cold, night he slipped into the covers even before Ian had the chance to turn off the lights.
Ian didn’t mind, even banished the initial embarrassment of sleeping next to his male best friend. Every night he watched Anthony’s chest rise and fall as he fell to dreams and hearing another breath beside him lulled Ian to sleep better than a dark empty room. If anyone asked, it was the unspoken excuse that Ian was hurt and it was just more convenient for his caretaker to be closer in the night.
There would be small touches. Toes grazing shins or fingers tickling sides where fabric would slide open to reveal bare skin. Sometimes these touches would last all night and Ian would wake up with an elbow trapped under his arm or a face so close, he could smell what Anthony was; warm skin and milk with the scent of California wet sand.
And then the dreams began. It used to be just Ian and Anthony together, doing ordinary things. But then it turned into Ian watching Anthony, wanting Anthony and then touching Anthony.
They became more vivid every time and Ian feared that one of these nights, he would cry Anthony’s name out loud and wake up to find himself already coming, repeating the morning at the hospital. It wasn’t a gradual realization that Anthony was Ian’s wet dream but something that struck him full force. He had fallen asleep and dreamed and he dreamed wild colours, burning sensations and Anthony doing things to him that made his eyes roll back and his skin heat and drench itself with hot sweat.
He had woken up, gulping air like he had been under water the whole night. His hair stuck to his neck and his forehead and there was a hard thumping all throughout his body as it reverberated with intense desire.
Then he had remembered, probably the most important thing about himself. And Ian had to fight himself not to admit it. He didn’t want to but as the memories and feelings flooded into his consciousness, it got harder and harder to deny.
Ian had felt breathless then, like everything had crashed down and he had fallen faster and was now buried deep underneath it all. He didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know why he had forgotten something so profound, so important in his life.
It scared him so much.
These feelings had always been there, as he realized after, going through everything that was Anthony in his mind. They hadn’t made sense at first to Ian and he had dismissed them as friendship that was incredibly deep and strong. But now when Ian wakes every night with an itch etched into every bone of his body, he knew it was much more than a love between best friends.
So he kept it secret; kept it hidden like he had before his mind had been wiped away and slowly pieced together. He would take this guilty and disgusting feeling inside of him and never let it go.
With all these racing, forbidden thoughts placed in front of him like a disguised harmless pathway to hell, Anthony was even farther away. Ian didn’t dare to press Anthony further about what happened the night of the accident or his relationship with Makayla. And as he turned his back to a sleeping Anthony, Ian knew he had forgotten these things for a reason.
The first time Ian was able to walk ten steps without his crutches, he was ecstatic. He wanted to jump up and shout, spin in a circle and hug Anthony who was clapping his hands as if Ian had performed an extraordinary stunt.
“Caught it all on tape, boys,” Ian’s therapist said as the two best friends gave each other high fives. Ian teetered a little sideways, his body weary from the exercise and Anthony lent him a shoulder to lean on. These times of physical contact always made Ian shake even more.
It had been two weeks since Ian had left the hospital. Every other day he would go in for physical therapy, work his arms and fingers, stand and sit and today, he walked, all on his own.
“That was amazing,” Anthony breathed, smiling and ruffling Ian’s hair. Ian let out a whoop, so excited that he could walk again after weeks of struggling to even move this foot forward. The cast on his arm and leg had been taken off and he no longer had to suffer from the itch and heat from a limb being encrusted in plaster. He still had problems holding onto things but he was many times better than he was two weeks ago. “Another week and you won’t need that damn wheelchair anymore.”
“Yeah, can’t wait,” Ian said, turning so that they were face to face and Ian’s face instantly softened being so close. He was breathing hard, chest heaving as eventually Anthony turned away, guiding him to a seat. Ten steps looked easy but for Ian whose body struggled with the simplest of tasks, ten steps was a testament of great accomplishment.
“You did very good today, Ian,” Dr. Ma said, handing Anthony their camcorder. “I’m really happy with what you’ve been able to do so far. Next week, we can work on your walking again.”
Ian nodded, still breathless from the exercise. “Thanks, doc.”
Dr. Ma smiled, patting Ian cheerfully on the back. He helped Ian back into his wheelchair and led the two friends to the doors of the hospital.
“Alright, you get lots of rest. I’ll see you two on Monday.”
They came to the hospital parking lot and it was cold for a March day. The rows of cars worried Ian just a little; thinking that with so many cars, it should be hell in the hospital.
“When are you meeting Makayla again?” Ian asked. He was sombre now that Anthony would be leaving him for the day to the care of his mother. He still wondered what was going on between Makayla and Anthony but he had decided if Anthony wanted to talk about it, he would eventually.
“I’m just going to drop you off and then I’ll go get her,” Anthony said. He sped up towards a speed bump but swerved the chair around just in time, laughing when Ian cried in mock terror.
“Dude, can’t I just stay at home alone? My mom’s going to be a pain in the ass.”
“It’s only for a few hours. Deal with it.”
Ian huffed, crossing his arms. “You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but she’s worse than you.”
“Too bad, bitch,” Anthony laughed, stopping abruptly in front of his car. “At least she’s not staying overnight.”
“Thank baby Jesus,” Ian cried, looking up at the sky with his hands in the air. Ian was able to set himself into the car and had little trouble putting on his seat belt. Anthony came into the car, his cell phone in his hands.
“Makayla just texted me,” Anthony said, clicking his phone to stand by and starting the car. “She’s at our house already.”
Ian’s good mood deflated a bit and he forced a teasing smile. “Sounds a little desperate, man. Maybe you should be worried.”
Anthony shrugged and backed out of their spot.
“Where are you two going?” Ian asked, a little curious. He was trying to turn on the camera but he was having trouble pressing the tiny buttons. His hand shook and he stopped it by pulling hard at his hair out of frustration and nervousness.
“The River Walk,” Anthony replied, “And stop that.” He grabbed Ian’s hand out of his hair and clicked in disappointment.
Ian frowned, giving up on the camera and resting back heavily in the seat. He watched for a few moments as they drove down the road, trees splintering the in-between winter and spring light. Ian sneaked small glances at Anthony. He was driving with a too concentrated face and a red hue stained his cheeks from the chilly air. His hair was messier today more than usual because Anthony had had no time to shower since they both had woken up late. And Ian wanted badly to feel Anthony’s hair between his fingertips, roll the soft tuffs of brown in clumps and wondered if it would feel like velvet. Ian turned his gaze back to scenery outside, trying hard to direct his thoughts elsewhere.
But a nagging pecked at his throat and before he could think, Ian had said it, “Do you love her?”
Ian scrunched his eyes closed, regret instantly creeping up his face. He didn’t want to know, he had told himself over and over again but at the same time, wondered countless times this question and many more. He cursed inside and unrealistically hoped Anthony hadn’t heard the question even if the car was silent save for the rumbling of the road and the engine.
Anthony didn’t answer but Ian knew he had heard. He bit his lip as he opened one eye to look at Anthony. His smile had slipped off his face and he now had that same distant look that Ian could not figure out.
Then, “I do...” Anthony said, turning to give Ian a classic goofy face, “love your mom!”
Ian opened both eyes and suddenly burst into laughter too loud out of nervousness. The weighted anxiety lifted off of him a little when Anthony looked over at him, eyes sparkling with a small smile.
Ian didn’t need to know, not right now. He was fine being ignorant and a small part of himself was glad his memory was unclear and damaged because another part within knew knowing was probably worse.
“I’m sorry again about last week,” she said, leaning into him as they walked hand in hand down the Sacramento River Walk. Tourists were few at that time of year and the river glistening to their right made it the perfect quiet afternoon stroll.
“No, it’s alright.” Anthony pulled her in close as a breeze drifted lazily by. “Are you warm enough?”
Makayla nodded and gave him a peck on the cheek. She grazed a hand along his chin and took his lips into a kiss. Anthony took a second to look at her; freckled cheeks and long dark lashes. He kissed her back and this was probably the first time they had in weeks. It was no wonder she had been angry at him and Anthony wondered why he hadn’t missed this as much as her.
They pulled away and began walking again. They passed food stands and ate, talked about things like work, school and parents and just enjoyed each other’s company. The topic of Ian was carefully avoided and Anthony had to stop himself several times seeing that mostly anything he talked about involved his friend. It ended up with Makayla doing most of it.
This was comfortable. Anthony and Makayla fit well together and it felt familiar to wrap an arm around her thin shoulders. It was good to bump elbows and tease each other; laugh and just do mushy couple things together. But it wasn’t the same as two months ago when all Anthony wanted was to see her and touch her and be with her.
Now as they sat down on a bench with Makayla’s head on his shoulder and the smell of sweetness wafting into his nose, Anthony could not help thinking whether he should buy a corndog for Ian or not. He didn’t think Ian would like the noodles his mom was going to cook. He usually liked things that didn’t need utensils.
Anthony hadn’t thought spending a few hours with his mother could be that bad. But when Anthony had gone to say good-bye, Ian had looked like somebody had kicked him. He almost wanted to laugh at how melodramatic Ian was.
“What are you thinking about?” Makayla asked, taking him out of his reverie.
Anthony laughed in his head, turning red outwardly, lying, “Uh... just about how nice this is.” He hoped this was what she wanted to hear.
“This is, isn’t it?” she sighed, letting her lips flutter against his neck. Anthony fought the reflex to flinch, weird discomfort spreading down his spine. “I was thinking about something that would be even better.”
“Oh?” he whispered, closing his eyes as she kissed his neck.
“Mmm-hmm.”
“What’s that?” he had hardly been able to say that, too distracted by what Makayla was doing with her hands. He was only minimally aware of the many people around them. She slipped her fingers beneath his thigh, slithering close to his crotch.
“Living together,” she whispered slow, pressing hard at the centre of his pants. “Sleeping next to each other, every night.” She placed a kiss on the base of his neck. “Waking up with you.” He stifled a gasped and pushed her hand away, moving sideways so that there was distance between them again. “What is it?” She looked surprised and a bit angry.
“Not out here!” Anthony whispered furiously, crossing his legs in embarrassment. Makayla laughed and leant her body back against him and kissing him on the mouth. Anthony looked around to make sure no one had seen but there weren’t many people to begin with.
“Since when had that stopped us?” She grinned knowingly and Anthony was vaguely reminded of several instances where they had done things out in public and it had sent a thrill down and straight into his cock. But today, it wasn’t the same and he found himself not really wanting any of it. “I thought of something: I could move in with you and Ian.”
“W-What?” Anthony looked out at the blue river, her words registering slowly.
“We don’t have to go out and find a completely different place,” she continued, “I can just move in with you and that way, you can keep on doing your YouTube stuff with Ian. How’s that going anyway?”
“Fine,” he said absentmindedly. They had put up a few vlogs but not a real Friday video yet. “Wait? Move in with me and Ian?”
“Yeah and... It’s kind of why I came over to your house today,” she said, sheepishly. Makayla took his hand in hers. “While you were speaking with Mrs. H, I talked to-”
“You talked to Ian?” Anthony turned back to her. The haze from their make-out session disappearing fast. “What did you say to him?”
“I just asked him what he thought about it, that’s all.” Makayla looked taken aback. It wasn’t a big deal for her but this was something Anthony needed to avoid with Ian.
“What the hell?” Anthony spat, sudden fury flashing in his face. His mind went back to the night of the accident. “What are you doing? Didn’t you think to see if I agreed before getting Ian into this?”
“Well, it’s quite obvious the reason you can’t agree is because of Ian.” Makayla gripped his hand tight and he knew she was trying to bite back her own frustration.
“It’s not his fault,” he said and took his hand away from hers.
“What’s the matter with you?” Makayla questioned, trying to keep her voice down, her brows furrowed and mouth askew with confused anger. “Why is it so bad that I asked Ian? It’s not like I’m saying this is for real.”
He wanted to shout at her; tell her about the night of the accident. How Ian had been hurt and angry and-
Anthony shook his head, the irrational fear of it happening again threatening his thoughts.
“Never mind,” he said, settling to breathe through his teeth instead of doing anything else. “It doesn’t matter. You already did it.”
He didn’t have to look at Makayla to know that she was probably going to spit poison at him. Living together was something both light and heavy for them. It was light for Makayla because it was something natural for her. It was something you did eventually with the person you love. For Anthony, it was something heavy because he had so many things to leave behind.
“God, Anthony, it’s always about Ian!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up.
He didn’t acknowledge her, too wound up in his own thoughts, “You shouldn’t have said anything. You know how he feels about you.”
“What?”
“He might not remember it, but you said no to him.”
She shook her head, quick. “I never said that.”
“You did, Makayla. Don’t play dumb,” Anthony accused, “He liked you and that’s why I never wanted to tell him about us living together. It was bad enough I didn’t even notice he liked you.”
“You’ve got it all wrong,” she said firmly and before Anthony could retort, she said, “He said no to me.”
Anthony stopped, his reasoning spinning away from him. What did she mean?
Makayla said again, “I asked him. He said no.” She almost sneered at him. “And you can’t live with your best friend forever, Ant.”
“But... but,” Anthony faltered, “I assumed Ian and you had-“
“You really don’t know?” she breathed, running a hand through her hair.
“That he said no?” There was a stirring of a vision; Ian standing on the edge of the sidewalk, mouth open with words escaping that burned Anthony’s veins. The ultramarine of his eyes turning dark.
“No,” she said firmly. She was calm now as if explaining something to a child. “Anthony, he never liked me.”
“He did,” Anthony denied, “That’s why he was always avoiding us.”
Makayla’s anger seemed to have died. Seeing his confusion, she quietly explained, “I thought that too but... I had a different feeling. Even before we started dating.”
Anthony looked down at her. “What ‘feeling’?” he asked when she didn’t elaborate, “You’re making it sound like something really fucked up.”
Makayla bit her lip and fiddled with her bracelet. She looked up at him with reluctance and eyes that pleaded for Anthony to know and inside, he had a glimmer of what she might have meant.
So he urged her to say something, knowing what she might be thinking but hoping she would say another. “I know him, Kay. I know how he gets when he’s jealous.”
“Yeah, I’m sure he was,” She almost scoffed at him, but went back to looking at him with a sigh. “But he wasn’t jealous of you.”
Anthony felt a kind of nipping at the tail of his mind. “What are you trying to say?”
“I don’t know, Anthony. You figure it out,” Makayla said, standing up and facing him with a look between hurt and weary acceptance. “Just the way he looks at you. It’s not that hard to notice. And now, you-” She choked, adverting her eyes but then settled to look straight into his own angry, puzzled ones. “A lot of things have changed... but , Anthony, I still love you. And...” she stuttered, wiping the dewy shine forming in her blue eyes. The sun met with the river and its light created an orange gleam over everything.
Anthony looked up at her and stood, taking her into his arms and slipping a hand through her smooth hair.
“And I really wish that you did too,” she whispered.
There was a sort of sick twisting in his stomach.
Makayla and Anthony - living together. He would have to see them every day. He would have to watch them fall in love and love each other. And he would have to sleep alone in his bed with an icy, bare side next to him. Ian shook his head. Anthony shouldn’t be sleeping next to him in the first place.
“Honey, I’m leaving now,” Ian’s mom called from the hallway. She appeared at the door of Ian’s room. “Anthony’s back. He’s just going to drive me home.”
“Okay, Mom,” he answered, covering his face with the covers. She sat down beside him, tugging the blanket away from him with strength that surprised Ian every time. She smiled at him and ran a hand over his forehead.
“Go eat some of the noodles I cooked, okay?” Ian’s mom bent down and placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek. He cringed and complained, wiping his face with a scrunched up disgusted look. Ian heaved at the thought of noodles and how the long pasta would be writhing inside of him, stirring up the acid to burn his insides. “C’mon, big boy.” She gripped his shoulders and pulled him up easily. Sometimes moms could be frightening.
“Okay, okay, I’m up,” Ian said, taking his mom’s hands gently away from him. He was able to sit back in his wheelchair on his own and followed his mother out of his room. She said her good-nights and scolded him for not being willing to visit her more often. She then gestured to the food and plates neatly arranged on the kitchen counter.
She left him with another embarrassing kiss and a wave, walking out the front door where Anthony’s car lit up the twilight outside.
Ian growled as his stomach rumbled. He succumbed to trying to feed himself, something he would not have been able to do if he weren’t alone. It would also be his only opportunity to practice walking by himself as well without worried eyes and hands five inches away everywhere he went.
Makayla had asked him what he thought about her living with the boys. His immediate thought was to shout at her face and tell her she could go fuck herself. It was something that almost overcame his rational thinking and also an old feeling as Ian realized. It had come out of some where in the depths of his hidden memories.
These couple of days, he had been remembering more than usual.
But Ian wasn’t like he was before, so he put a show in smiling and shrugging, opting to put all responsibility to Anthony. He had told her he was fine with whatever Anthony decided. Another person in the house wasn’t a big deal, he had reassured her.
Ian wheeled himself to the counter, placing a sticky hot hand on the cold surface. He heaved himself up and his legs almost gave in beneath but he managed to slam another hand on the counter to steady himself. His arms shook and he felt like he had been lifting two hundred pound weights, except it was his useless body that he was trying to hold up.
“Stupid Anthony,” Ian grunted, holding a breath as he put one foot forward. The second step was followed by a curse at his best friend’s lack of interest in talking to Ian about anything important. He made it to the plate of food eventually, sweat swimming in the roots of his hair.
“Fuck you,” he spat, glaring at the noodles.
Ian took the fork in his hand, gripping hard and he almost smiled when he was able to lift it a few inches off the table. But he still had to carry the plate to the dining table and he turned around, looking at the ten feet between here and there. It was a long way to go for Ian’s rattled and exhausted body.
His mother would probably rage and carry him with her sudden adrenaline back to his wheelchair if she saw Ian right now; huffing and puffing and sweating like he had run a marathon.
But he wanted to do this. Because it let him do something with himself instead of staring at the wall and eating his food, thinking about life with Makayla waking up next to Anthony.
Ian bit his lip, grabbing the plate too fast out of unprecedented anger and watching it shake in his hands before it fell to pieces at his bare feet. The plate left triangular spangled porcelain and greasy noodles sliding across the tiled floor.
Ian had broken his plate.
Chapter 5
A/N: Okay, I lied before.. Not much slash this chapter. And I've never been to Cali/Sacramento before so if I butchered the way River Walk is supposed to be, sorry!
I'm actually going to ask for con-crit this time. I should be asking it for every chapter, actually. >_> So! Give me your best shot. I don't like sugar. Gimme the bitter stuff!
Want more Smosh slash?