"Harbor"

[oryginal_skin]

Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him.  The hush and roll of the waves behind him whispered a gentle hymnal, calling him back home.  Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment, and he lowered his cheek down to rest on the barnacle-covered rocks.  He lay

Comments

[oryginal_skin]

I shall continue this story next week.

[desert_rose]

Was the yellow, red and blue round thing a ball? Still not very awake, obviously. :-)

I'm glad this story will be continued. The story stands well on its own, but I have a feeling there is more to this one, which I'm looking forward to reading.

Good luck!

[oryginal_skin]

It was. A beach ball... Next week, I'll continue it.

[desert_rose]

That will be great. You write very well.

[thaneofcawdor]

Hello! I'm your ROAR editor for this piece - I'm about to send my notes and things to your inbox because it's quite long. Nothing bad or unfixable, though, and just thought I'd comment here to say I've read it and enjoyed it!

ROAR Feedback, Part 1

[thaneofcawdor]

Just realised I can't message you due to your settings, so I'll put my feedback in two comments here.

Opinions
I like the idea of a wizard being thrown ashore in a strange land; it reminded me of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, which isn’t a bad thing. The choice of name for your character is unusual but not unbelievable and thus fits well with your chosen fantasy genre. The pace at which the story moves is skilfully managed, as you do not reveal too much too quickly, but rather let the reader discover the surroundings at the same time as your character. I really like the discrepancy between the time and place Prelio seems to come from and the appearance of a modern beachball: this mix is very intriguing. The method that he uses to summon his magic is nicely executed: it doesn’t seem too melodramatic. I’m glad you’re choosing to continue this piece as it has a lot of promise and as readers we have so much more to discover

ROAR Feedback, Part 2

[thaneofcawdor]

...

Memories of the day before began to fill his mind: a greenish, foreboding sky. A violent storm that tossed their boat and caused them to lose all bearings in the sea. The wave that tossed Ama, his betrothed, into the churning waters. His brave (and stupid) leap into the water after her. Their hands meeting one last time as the boat lurched away... [Ellipsis/”dot dot dot” is always three dots and never any more or less.]

Prelio shook his head free of these thoughts, taking a moment to assess his condition. His leather tunic and pants had been torn and ruined by the ocean water. Cuts, scrapes, and sores covered his body, but miraculously, he was ungrievously not grievously wounded. He touched his head gently, feeling the deep gashes on the top and at the base of his neck. It had been a long night.

A breeze passed by, and the object in front of him began to shift back and forth. Prelio considered it a moment: it was, perhaps, a jellyfish, urchin, or other sea creature washed up on shore. It may also be have been some

Re: ROAR Feedback, Part 2

[oryginal_skin]

Goodness, what a wonderful review! Thank you so much for this-- you've really given me a lot to think about for when I revise this, and also when I write the continuation. I appreciate this very much!

It's possible for an ellipsis to be followed by a period, creating four dots. See this wikipedia article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis

Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

I have developed some editng comments fr your story. How do you want to receive them? I can post the comments here or send them in a separate email.

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[oryginal_skin]

In comments would be idea! Thank you so much!

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

General

I found this an intriguing piece, which drew me in and left me wanting more. There is a surreal quality to your writing which nicely reflects the disorientation of the protagonist (excellent). It is ‘mood’ piece, rather than a plot driven story, and this added to the effect. You have not used the prompt specifically but the concept is clearly underpinning the entire story (good).

Specific

In all the examples below I have quoted your words first in italics and then followed immediately with my suggestions.

His soul, however, instinctively know that
Should be: His soul, however, instinctively knew that (typo)

Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object.
Try: Lying several feet in front of him was a strange object. (style)

He stared at it cautiously, willing awake.
Try either: He stared at it cautiously, willing it to wake.
Or: He stared at it cautiously, willing himself to stay awake. (not sure of your meaning here)

tunic and pants had been torn and ruined by the ocean water.

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[oryginal_skin]

This is wonderful -- thank you so much. Your suggested changes are especially valuable. I wish I'd thought of those wordings. :-)

Did you get that it was a beach ball when you read it?

[toxic_apiaceae]

Hi!

I'm very sorry to be doing this here, but I'm trying to get ROAR assignments out for brigits_flame and your privacy settings won't allow me to send you a PM. I'm totally cool with friending you if you'd like to keep that feature on! *grins*

Anyway, seeing as it'd be terribly rude of me to drop by and NOT read your piece ... I did so. And this was very, very cool! I really love the shipwreck element, tossing the main character onto unfamiliar land. His name, by the way, is fantastic. Kind of has a Shakespeare-y feel to it. Are you planning to expand this further at all?

[oryginal_skin]

Thank you so much... I'm honored that you enjoyed the piece. I've sent you my contact information.