Title: Moving Forward Part 4 - Chapter 21a - Balancing
Title: Moving Forward Part 4 - Chapter 21a - Balancing
Author: othermewriter
Beta:
lostwolfchats
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: Here is an additional chapter that just wouldn't give me peace until it was written.
As always many thanks to my Beta Lost Wolf. Thank you one and all for your continued support, in spite of my erratic posting lately. Here's hoping in the new year the muses will be more cohesive and consistent in their offerings.
Previous Chapter: Chapter 21 - More Changes
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He is so very quiet and I wonder if I have frightened him in revealing how interconnected Rose and I have become.
His constant stream of random thoughts has gone silent and I wonder what it is he is hiding from me. For years, I would have thought nothing of his quietness and unshared introspective thoughts. Now though, when his thoughts go silent, it frightens me in ways it never did before the war. I get a cold feeling when I think of the number of times since that fateful day when he ended the time war that he has fallen into despair; for so very long I was constantly worrying that he would finally give up, and go where I could do nothing to stop his self-destruction. In those first harrowing days, I was surprised at how frequently his mind would go virtually silent, but soon I realized that after a bout of quietness he was either much improved or much worse. I rejoiced in those times when he would show improvement and dreaded those times he didn’t, at times even going as far as to contact Alistair, Harry or Doris depending on who I thought would best be able to help him. Overall, though, he made such improvement when he was staying within with them I quit worrying quite so much. However, since we started traveling with our Rose he has usually let me have access to his mind as long as I kept my thoughts to myself about what he was thinking. Those times as now when he goes so quiet, it still generates dysphoria. Finally, I can no longer stand the division and gently tap at his mind. ‘Theta?’
---------------------------------------------
I still don’t know what to think of what occurred right after Rose’s collapse. I have known intellectually that they were bound together, but the idea that Verity could just step in and take over Rose’s body sends chills down my spine. Our recent experiences with Cassandra have driven home yet again how terrifyingly helpless it feels to be at someone else’s mercy. I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings with the fact that both Rose and Verity have chosen this path, and the nagging feeling that Rose might somehow have been coerced into making this choice concerns me. That they have randomly and repeatedly merged into a single being who calls herself the Bad Wolf just confuses things all the more, is this really a merging of their two personalities as it feels like, or something else I can’t quite grasp?
With our conversation in our garden yesterday I realize more than ever how very desperately lonely Verity has been, and worse how easily she has hidden it from me. It hurts to realize how dreadfully remiss I have been about the feelings of my oldest friend in my own grief and enamoredness with Rose. It would take so little for Verity to steal the body, leaving Rose with no where to go but Verity’s memory storage area where it would be far too easy for her to become lost completely. I don’t think Verity has grown so desperate as to want to eliminate Rose, but I can see how easy it would be for her to do so and it frightens me. Even though I know it shouldn’t worry me, and I feel a bit uncharitable even thinking it, as she has never been so selfish. Nevertheless, Verity has thousands of years of experience in daily functioning in the purely mental realm; Rose has less than a year of fragmented experience. I can only hope that Verity’s experiences with Cassandra’s possession will help her understand how horrific a fate it would be for Rose if she were to take over.
‘Theta?’
‘Yes.’
‘You are so quiet, are you angry with me?’
‘No my love, just as you both have had so very much to absorb with all the changes I am trying to give you some space.’
‘I don’t want… you concern me when you’re so still.’
‘Nothing to worry about, I’m right here, not like I could leave without you knowing.’ With that I am surprised by her pang of agitation as I catch her brief thought of how I have, more than once, tried to leave her behind to go to my death.’
‘I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t knowing how much you both have sacrificed.’
‘Not because you want to stay, because you love us?’ comes her harsh thought and I wince at the intense anguish behind that statement.
‘Of course I love you! I love you both so much, it hurts at times how little I deserve you and still you keep loving me, giving to me and I...’ I am at a loss to express how much they mean to me and so I throw open my mind so she can feel how much love I have for her and Rose and how badly it hurts that I can give them so very little in exchange. Her response it as it usually is and I feel humbled yet again by her overpowering love for me and for a long time I just let it wash over me. In time, I start to drift off held in her comforting presence.
When finally Rose wakes it is like a fresh summer sunrise in my mind pulling me from my dozing and contemplations of all the things that have happened.
----------------------------------------------
I wake knowing that something has been distressing both Verity and the Doctor but they each greet me with such enthusiasm that it feels almost as if they were just waiting for me to wake. I know that whatever has distressed them I need to let them work it out themselves because are so intent on protecting me that neither will tell me what is happening and sometimes I feel so very alone when I think of the length of their common history.
‘You shouldn’t my Rose, we both love you very much.’
At Verity’s gentle comment, I twitch again at the reminder that I’m not alone in my head and she has most likely heard my every thought. In response I try to be quiet, as she has taught me, to and keep my thoughts to myself and I can almost hear her soft mental sigh at my action and I have to ask. “Then why won’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what Rose?” is his quiet question as I sit up and look him in the face and note the troubled look in his beautiful blue eyes.
“Why both you and Verity are upset with each other.”
“We aren’t…”
“Don’t lie to me Doctor, I can feel it!” is my frustrated response at his denial.
‘Rose, he isn’t lying. We are not deliberately trying to shut you out, but there are so many things…’ Her mental words cease as she shows me in images and feelings why they were upset. Suddenly my hearts ache in my chest for the grief and loneliness they have both endured during the war and the horrible consequences of his part in its ending.
--------------------------------------------
I feel joy at her waking then the sudden anguish as she blurts out “Then why won’t you tell me?” and wonder what it is that has upset her so.
Her next words are demanding, “Why both you and Verity are upset with each other.”
As I try to reassure her, she won’t be placated, and I can suddenly feel her vexation at being the ‘outsider’. It makes me want to shake her in frustration, at how little she understands about how far we have let her into our lives, but know it will do no good. Much as I hate this, I know it must be addressed, but before I can say a word I can feel Verity is speaking with her and watch in horror as her eyes grow distant and fill with tears. As her breath begins catching in small sobs I pull her to my chest and feel her cling to me and again I am reminded she is still so very young and fragile in spite of her brave spirit.
“Did you have to, Verity?”
‘Yes, my love, Rose is part of us now and much as we would protect her she has to understand there are things we share that will upset us and just because we clash it doesn’t mean we love each other, or her any less. She wants to be your equal yet she knows so little, and at times understands even less.’
-----------------------------------------------------
Snuffle, “Oi! Right here you guys.”
‘Yes you are, and we are much better for your presence,’ is Verity’s reply.
As I look up into the Doctor’s troubled blue eyes, I know she really is speaking for them both as he states with such earnestness that it is almost as if he is trying to imprint it on our souls, “I love you. Don’t ever question that, please, my loves?”
The only response I can give is stunned nod and suddenly he is crushing me to him and I am holding to him with equal measure.
When the tide of emotion between the three of us passes, I am again lying silently against his side. In the quiet, I notice he is painting words of love and devotion on my shoulder in the circling motions of his left hand. I wonder if he is even aware he is doing so as I remember now the many times he has, and I vow to myself to learn whatever I must so I will not be a burden to them.
Next Chapter: Chapter 21b - So How Does This Work?
Author: othermewriter
Beta:
lostwolfchats
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: Here is an additional chapter that just wouldn't give me peace until it was written.
As always many thanks to my Beta Lost Wolf. Thank you one and all for your continued support, in spite of my erratic posting lately. Here's hoping in the new year the muses will be more cohesive and consistent in their offerings.
Previous Chapter: Chapter 21 - More Changes
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He is so very quiet and I wonder if I have frightened him in revealing how interconnected Rose and I have become.
His constant stream of random thoughts has gone silent and I wonder what it is he is hiding from me. For years, I would have thought nothing of his quietness and unshared introspective thoughts. Now though, when his thoughts go silent, it frightens me in ways it never did before the war. I get a cold feeling when I think of the number of times since that fateful day when he ended the time war that he has fallen into despair; for so very long I was constantly worrying that he would finally give up, and go where I could do nothing to stop his self-destruction. In those first harrowing days, I was surprised at how frequently his mind would go virtually silent, but soon I realized that after a bout of quietness he was either much improved or much worse. I rejoiced in those times when he would show improvement and dreaded those times he didn’t, at times even going as far as to contact Alistair, Harry or Doris depending on who I thought would best be able to help him. Overall, though, he made such improvement when he was staying within with them I quit worrying quite so much. However, since we started traveling with our Rose he has usually let me have access to his mind as long as I kept my thoughts to myself about what he was thinking. Those times as now when he goes so quiet, it still generates dysphoria. Finally, I can no longer stand the division and gently tap at his mind. ‘Theta?’
---------------------------------------------
I still don’t know what to think of what occurred right after Rose’s collapse. I have known intellectually that they were bound together, but the idea that Verity could just step in and take over Rose’s body sends chills down my spine. Our recent experiences with Cassandra have driven home yet again how terrifyingly helpless it feels to be at someone else’s mercy. I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings with the fact that both Rose and Verity have chosen this path, and the nagging feeling that Rose might somehow have been coerced into making this choice concerns me. That they have randomly and repeatedly merged into a single being who calls herself the Bad Wolf just confuses things all the more, is this really a merging of their two personalities as it feels like, or something else I can’t quite grasp?
With our conversation in our garden yesterday I realize more than ever how very desperately lonely Verity has been, and worse how easily she has hidden it from me. It hurts to realize how dreadfully remiss I have been about the feelings of my oldest friend in my own grief and enamoredness with Rose. It would take so little for Verity to steal the body, leaving Rose with no where to go but Verity’s memory storage area where it would be far too easy for her to become lost completely. I don’t think Verity has grown so desperate as to want to eliminate Rose, but I can see how easy it would be for her to do so and it frightens me. Even though I know it shouldn’t worry me, and I feel a bit uncharitable even thinking it, as she has never been so selfish. Nevertheless, Verity has thousands of years of experience in daily functioning in the purely mental realm; Rose has less than a year of fragmented experience. I can only hope that Verity’s experiences with Cassandra’s possession will help her understand how horrific a fate it would be for Rose if she were to take over.
‘Theta?’
‘Yes.’
‘You are so quiet, are you angry with me?’
‘No my love, just as you both have had so very much to absorb with all the changes I am trying to give you some space.’
‘I don’t want… you concern me when you’re so still.’
‘Nothing to worry about, I’m right here, not like I could leave without you knowing.’ With that I am surprised by her pang of agitation as I catch her brief thought of how I have, more than once, tried to leave her behind to go to my death.’
‘I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t knowing how much you both have sacrificed.’
‘Not because you want to stay, because you love us?’ comes her harsh thought and I wince at the intense anguish behind that statement.
‘Of course I love you! I love you both so much, it hurts at times how little I deserve you and still you keep loving me, giving to me and I...’ I am at a loss to express how much they mean to me and so I throw open my mind so she can feel how much love I have for her and Rose and how badly it hurts that I can give them so very little in exchange. Her response it as it usually is and I feel humbled yet again by her overpowering love for me and for a long time I just let it wash over me. In time, I start to drift off held in her comforting presence.
When finally Rose wakes it is like a fresh summer sunrise in my mind pulling me from my dozing and contemplations of all the things that have happened.
----------------------------------------------
I wake knowing that something has been distressing both Verity and the Doctor but they each greet me with such enthusiasm that it feels almost as if they were just waiting for me to wake. I know that whatever has distressed them I need to let them work it out themselves because are so intent on protecting me that neither will tell me what is happening and sometimes I feel so very alone when I think of the length of their common history.
‘You shouldn’t my Rose, we both love you very much.’
At Verity’s gentle comment, I twitch again at the reminder that I’m not alone in my head and she has most likely heard my every thought. In response I try to be quiet, as she has taught me, to and keep my thoughts to myself and I can almost hear her soft mental sigh at my action and I have to ask. “Then why won’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what Rose?” is his quiet question as I sit up and look him in the face and note the troubled look in his beautiful blue eyes.
“Why both you and Verity are upset with each other.”
“We aren’t…”
“Don’t lie to me Doctor, I can feel it!” is my frustrated response at his denial.
‘Rose, he isn’t lying. We are not deliberately trying to shut you out, but there are so many things…’ Her mental words cease as she shows me in images and feelings why they were upset. Suddenly my hearts ache in my chest for the grief and loneliness they have both endured during the war and the horrible consequences of his part in its ending.
--------------------------------------------
I feel joy at her waking then the sudden anguish as she blurts out “Then why won’t you tell me?” and wonder what it is that has upset her so.
Her next words are demanding, “Why both you and Verity are upset with each other.”
As I try to reassure her, she won’t be placated, and I can suddenly feel her vexation at being the ‘outsider’. It makes me want to shake her in frustration, at how little she understands about how far we have let her into our lives, but know it will do no good. Much as I hate this, I know it must be addressed, but before I can say a word I can feel Verity is speaking with her and watch in horror as her eyes grow distant and fill with tears. As her breath begins catching in small sobs I pull her to my chest and feel her cling to me and again I am reminded she is still so very young and fragile in spite of her brave spirit.
“Did you have to, Verity?”
‘Yes, my love, Rose is part of us now and much as we would protect her she has to understand there are things we share that will upset us and just because we clash it doesn’t mean we love each other, or her any less. She wants to be your equal yet she knows so little, and at times understands even less.’
-----------------------------------------------------
Snuffle, “Oi! Right here you guys.”
‘Yes you are, and we are much better for your presence,’ is Verity’s reply.
As I look up into the Doctor’s troubled blue eyes, I know she really is speaking for them both as he states with such earnestness that it is almost as if he is trying to imprint it on our souls, “I love you. Don’t ever question that, please, my loves?”
The only response I can give is stunned nod and suddenly he is crushing me to him and I am holding to him with equal measure.
When the tide of emotion between the three of us passes, I am again lying silently against his side. In the quiet, I notice he is painting words of love and devotion on my shoulder in the circling motions of his left hand. I wonder if he is even aware he is doing so as I remember now the many times he has, and I vow to myself to learn whatever I must so I will not be a burden to them.
Next Chapter: Chapter 21b - So How Does This Work?