Intro Post and Question

[thaddeusdagan]

Hi, all! I'm Tad. I'm 33 years old, born female and married to a straight man. I've only very recently admitted to and started to deal with a gender dysphoria that's been present at least since I was a teenager and which has been much worse for the past three years or so. I'm not sure if I'm genderqueer, bigendered or FtM, and am in the process

Comments

[gymx]

Something I found to really important to being able to accept myself/not be miserable on lots of levels (not just gender) is to have a small circle that gets it, where I don't need to explain myself or be on my guard in any way. Having that sort of support is vital to be able to face the rest of the world.

[thaddeusdagan]

Yeah, that's been important to me in a lot of other areas of my life, too. I think the difference to me in this situation is that, with other things, even though only a small circle of people have gotten it I've not hidden it from anyone else. And in this case, I feel like I have to. At least so far. But I am slowly building that core group of people who know and, at least partially, understand what I'm going through. Thank you for the advice - it's nice to know that I'm doing something right, and hopefully I'll eventually figure the rest of it out. :)

[amhrantine]

I'm lucky that the eternal pronoun debate doesn't worry me. I'm fine with whatever pronouns you want to chuck at me and I'm not going to scream if you get the "wrong" ones (mainly because I'm genderqueer and it doesn't really matter.) I just do what I want, basically, and don't let my gender screw with anything. If I want to follow male-oriented pursuits, then I will. If I want traditionally female pursuits, then I'll do that

[thaddeusdagan]

Thank you. I am moving towards a more androgynous look and I hope that helps. My husband is really hoping I'm genderqueer instead of strictly FtM, and at this point I'm not really sure - but it doesn't feel quite right for me somehow. And I'm with you on the segregation - one of the places I looked at going to for uni had mixed dorms and non-gender-specific toilets and I thought that was totally fantastic, though it freaked a lot of other people out. As a pansexual person, I've never quite got the whole idea that you're in a perfectly safe, nonsexual space only if you're with your own gender exclusively.

[meegosh]

Your post has been on my mind since I read it last night. I've written out and deleted about three responces before this one. As I understand your situation - you are experiencing a dysphoria about your assigned gender that has been present for some time but has more recently gotten worst. You have discussed this with your husband and he loves you and is supportive but is fearful about future changes and losing the woman he fell in love with. (so far pretty much on par with my life actually) And because you love him and are unsure exactly how you do feel about your gender you're wondering whether there is a way to deal with the gender dysphoria whilst also trying to be the same person for your husband. Am I on track or have I misunderstood you

[thaddeusdagan]

Thank you for taking the time to make such a long, thoughtful reply. It's really helpful to know that others are dealing with similar issues, though I'm sorry you have to. You seem to understand where I'm at pretty well, and your coping mechanisms are pretty much the kind of thing I've started to do, myself. I'm glad to know that they do help. I think one of the hardest parts right now is that some of the people I'm closest to - my parents, my religious group, my brother-in-law with whom we live - don't know yet, and they will be difficult to come out to. And I suspected that non-medical strategies might have a limited shelf-life - something I've talked to my husband about. I'm trying to keep an open mind about where I'll end up and so is he. Maybe, if I do end up having to transition, the coping mechanisms will give us enough time to come to grips with the situation before I start.

[meegosh]

Looks like we're on exactly the same page. Except that I am out to many of my friends. However I am not out to the people i tend to see on a daily basis beyond my partner. I guess that I am moving myself towards a more and more proper me appearance so that when I do actually make the move towards being acknowledged as a man it's not too much of a jump for people. I know that I will get gossiped about at work less if it's expected than if I keep presenting as strictly female.

I would like to friend you if I may. It is a struggle being a guy with a straight male partner.

[thaddeusdagan]

I would love to have you friend me. I've added you - it's a huge help to know other people who are going through the same thing.

[charsama]

My faith has three genders, so I simply use my faith.

[thaddeusdagan]

My faith has multiple gender expressions, too, and that helps - but I'm not sure I feel like a third gender. I think I may just feel like a guy. And the other people in my faith aren't always comfortable with transsexualism, despite the traditional precedents.

[charsama]

It's taken me a long lone time to get to where I'm okay with how I am now, and there are moments when the female pronouns make me stop and go, "Um, are you people blind?" and that can mess me up sometimes.

If I had a choice, I would like to be seen as male to the rest of the world, because it's much more accurate. But as I cannot do that, this third or whatever other people refer to it as, is what I'm going with. I'm technically a form of eunuch, and in a way, that has some nice male-ish implications, though I rarely think of it that way.

[hobbit_cogs]

You say your husband wants you to be happy and wants to see if that's possible without transition. Given that you're making this post, it might not be--you've already tried not transitioning, and it doesn't seem like it's working for you

[thaddeusdagan]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Your first paragraph is something I suspect and fear myself, but I'm trying to keep an open mind about what I need vs. what I just want. Right now it's so early that we have a lot more questions than answers and I think that's as stressful as anything else

[hobbit_cogs]

Reply-novel is not a problem. <3 I'm glad your husband is so supportive, though it does sound like the situation with his brother has the potential for a lotta awkward

[thaddeusdagan]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I'll pass your take on personality changes with T on to my husband. I think that if I do get on T I'll have a similar experience to yours in that it will actually be easier to express my femme side. I've always been very defensive about any typically female likes or pursuits, in a "but that doesn't make me a girl!" way (which, btw, was very confusing before I finally realised/admitted this trans stuff). Now that I'm self-identifying as male more and more, I'm not feeling as defensive about them to myself.