Comments | our_own_path: Intro Post and Question

thaddeusdagan in our_own_path

Intro Post and Question

Apr 02, 2010 09:18

Hi, all! I'm Tad. I'm 33 years old, born female and married to a straight man. I've only very recently admitted to and started to deal with a gender dysphoria that's been present at least since I was a teenager and which has been much worse for the past three years or so. I'm not sure if I'm genderqueer, bigendered or FtM, and am in the process ( Read more... )

Comments 27

dorian_pink April 4 2010, 16:40:44 UTC

I don't have any advice, i'm afraid. Still working all this stuff out for myself!
In my case i'm not really bothered what my husband thinks, but i have two teenage sons and it's their reaction that is most important to me. I've had gender 'issues' all my life, but have only really started to understand them over the last ten years, thanks to the internet and a course i was doing that required me to read queer theory. There is no chance of me ever passing as male as i look really girly and have a pretty effeminate manner, and i'm not really out to anyone as i don't have anyone who would be suportive. Anyway i'm still mixed up, i bind my chest and dress androgynously, but i'm not even 100% sure i actually want to be a guy. a lot of the time i'm actually quite happy as i am, but there are also times it gets very lonely.

My journal is pretty boring, mostly family stuff, but if you want i'll add you so you can see what i mean.

thaddeusdagan April 4 2010, 19:23:49 UTC

Thank you for the sympathy - sometimes that's just as important as advice. :) I can imagine how hard dealing with this stuff must be with teenaged kids. I hope you find some answers that make you happy, whatever those answers end up being. I've added you back, though my journal is a lot of inner angst and doubt and I don't know how interesting it would be to read. :)

jump_zinc April 5 2010, 02:00:47 UTC

Sorry, I don't have any advice, I'm pretty much in the same situation except that I know for certain that my husband would leave me if I decided to transition. To tell you the truth I'm really surprised that he has supported me to the extent that he has. He even pushes me to express myself in ways that I'm kind of nervous to because I'm worried that it might open the floodgates.

I'm coming into a little bit of money and I plan to buy a packer and binder in the hopes that wearing them sometimes at home might ease the feelings a bit.

thaddeusdagan April 5 2010, 02:17:57 UTC

Ouch. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know what you mean about opening the floodgates - I once described even thinking about this as kind of like the moment, in rappelling, right before you step backwards off the cliff. Except that you don't know exactly where the edge is or if you have the equipment you need to support you. Every little step of this feels like a point of no return somehow, like it's going to make me realise that I need it all RIGHT NOW and I won't have any ability to cope with my life as it is any longer. I hope you find a balance that makes you happy.

brilliant_snark April 15 2010, 06:11:24 UTC

Hi! I'm 32, born female, currently identifying somewhere in the genderqueer range. My line to friends who know is usually "This is my fence, I am firmly straddling it". I've struggled with my gender identity and sexual orientation for years, and only admitted to a lot of things and started exploring as a married adult. My spouse (biologically male...I'm getting to that) has been amazingly supportive of me and my journey of discovery. The farthest I'm considering at the moment is a breast reduction. Then, in the last year, my "straight and male" spouse came out to me that she feels she is trans, MtF. That she's been dressing female at home and researching in private for years. I assured her that I had suspicions since we met, and that I love her no matter what. Navigating the waters while both exploring our identities is tricky, but honesty is working the best so far. Our marriage is very important to us too. Due to conservative workplaces and uber-conservative families, we are only out to a very small circle, mostly online, with only ( ... )

thaddeusdagan April 21 2010, 09:12:59 UTC

Thank you for the reply, and don't worry about the rambling. :)

It sounds like you're in a very interesting situation. (Possibly interesting in the way of the curse, "May you live in interesting times", but I've always thought that despite the difficulties those were often the most meaningful times to live in.) I'm glad you and your spouse are able to be honest with and supportive of each other through it. It's difficult to navigate one partner's journey through these issues, and I can only admire you for being able to balance two separate journeys at once. I hope you and your spouse find a way through it that allows you both to be happy and together. Having a child makes it even more of a delicate tangle, but I think most children really do want their parents to be healthy and happy and whole and, as long as they know their parents love them, can be much more accepting and understanding of things than adults can. I wish you all the best.

e_thesinger April 29 2010, 10:11:27 UTC

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm older too, though I'm not married. I'll come back later about the coping methods.
I have a friend who is in about your situation and who just started transitioning. I will keep you guys updated on how things go with him and his husband.
I know two ex-straight, now gay male long term couples where the ftm transitioned successfully during the marriage and they stayed together, one marriage is with two younger kids. I know another couple when where the husband was not amused by the ftm coming out. So it really depends.

thaddeusdagan April 30 2010, 00:35:42 UTC

Hi! Nice to meet you, too. :) I'm very glad to hear about what's happened with other people in my situation, even though not all of them work out - that's only to be expected. My husband found some success stories on a partners-of-ftms Yahoo! list he's on, too, and I think that reassured him a lot. We're taking it day by day at this point, not sure what's going to happen but sure we both want to stick with it if at all possible. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

e_thesinger April 30 2010, 13:48:25 UTC

I'll meet them next month :-)
I have lived without transition for a long time and in some areas of my life I didn't transition socially. For financial reasons, I had to go back into the closet a while ago. So I have lots of reasons for being miserable ;-)
All in all it does work better than expected, though. My major frustration is that I can't date properly this way (the way I want to). But that's not your problem. So in other areas of life I find that it works better for me. I'm not sure why- I don't care much what people think about me when I don't know me. I wear only male clothes and make few to no compromises in that area. My name is gender neutral. I have a bunch of trans friends who get me.
What areas of life do you have/expect problems with, can you be more specific?

advice is difficult to give but here's my story anonymous November 8 2010, 01:47:18 UTC

Hi Tad ( ... )

Re: advice is difficult to give but here's my story thaddeusdagan November 10 2010, 23:17:43 UTC

Thank you for this. It's very good to know that others have struggled through similar situations and emerged on the other side happy and whole. Especially since it seems you made a lot of the same choices and decisions that I did ( ... )