Spork: Dreamer’s Light - or perhaps I'm just harvesting the past
It's been awhile! I figured I'd find something new for ya all! So I'm presenting this short little fanfic by a horrible writer from my past...
ME!!!
As I said many times I write fan fiction~ (which you should totally read~).
However my writing was not always called "…the next Terry Pratchett."
Sure I cut out the "He will never be…", but the point still stands! I was a new Internet user once upon a time, and I wrote awful fanfiction long long ago!
So yeah; if you suffer from cranial trauma and don’t get this - we here at the sporking room are reading’ an old fanfic of my own creation! It’s not very good, but it has quite a bit of narm value!
By the way the original can be found here.
~~~
Dreamer's Light
This title is pretentious and has little to nothing with what you are about to read; good to know some things never change.
By:Cliffstu
What; you think Overlord Mikey has always been my internet handle - pfft yeah right.
Cliff was one of my favorite characters at the time; still is actually.
Anyway it’s time to start!
Dreamer Light Part 1
The only thing this fanfic (title pretentiousness not included) is that it; like 90% of my fanfics, is incomplete!
At Dreamer Farm.
Seriously what the hell was I thinking? Was I high when I wrote this? I guess I was in high school which can have the same effect…
"You're an imbicile!!!" Karen yelled.
Wait it was before high school. Geez; sorry - I was just a kid!
Seriously is that what passed for dialogue when I wrote this? I think this is before I read Terry Pratchett books; a connection perhaps?
Imbecile - is that really the best I could do? I didn’t even spell it correctly! [sighs]
"Karen, you're a moron who can't cook," Jack yelled, "In fact, I wish I never married you!"
[choking on dialogue]
Gah, although the cooking thing is a total low blow towards Karen! I like Karen so it’s creepy that this comes off as a bit like Karen bashing. She was the first Harvest Moon girl I married and I hold her in a unique place in the records of Harvest Moon history.
The baby started crying.
It senses how bad this is -even a baby knows this is stupid!
"I'm leaving!!!"
CONFLICT!
Outside
Prepare yourselves - coming up is something that may be either the stupidest thing I’ve ever typed or the funniest you will ever read - EVER!
"My goodness, was that Karen and Jack, the world's greatest couple?" The Goddess said as she passed by.
Because why show when I can tell! I mean I only opened it up with them arguing which proves they wuv each other so…
Never has their been such an epic story of true wuv! Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliff and Catherine, Edward and Bella, and now above them all - Jack and Karen!
Also Jack is obviously me and as not to be arrogant, but I am indeed the ideal husband and the worlds greatest lover.
I’m a lovin’ machine ladies and gents’. [winks] Form a line and get ready to par-tay!
If I ever say par-tay again - kill me…
And yes I was totally thrusting my hips when I said that…
"I'm always in a helping mood time to grant a wish MORNING NIGHT CALL LIFE AND CHANGE IT ALL TOMORROW MORNING CHANGE IT ALL. Love ya" *poof*
…
EPIC NARM!!!
Oh come on that was funny!
Of course it was meant to be serious… -_-’
Back Inside
"You know little Jake Jr. I don't need your mom Karen. She can't even cook and she doesn't need a master cook husband she needs an asylum."
Yes Jake, tell you baby what a horrible shrew his mother is - I’m sure it’ll have no long lasting effects. [starts working on the sequel in which Jake Jr. is a serial killer]
Also you forgot to mention she was a total drunk, but I was probably drunk when I wrote this anyway…
*Jake jumps in bed*
With Pastor Carter…
Mmmmmmm - why isn’t Pastor Carter marriage material?
*poof*
That was awkward…
"My little kind Jake. I grant your wish." The Goddess whispered.
Kind, he just ranted to his little son that his wife was totally ineffectual. This is BTN not 64 so that’s totally not true!
Next Day
"Honey, eggs are done!" someone said.
Thank you someone…
"No...Karen...I can't stand your cooking."
Yes, I’ve established Karen can NOT cook. Damn I was a one trick pony back then!
"Karen!" Popuri yelled.
Jake: Yes hon’ I’ve been sleeping around on you with Karen - you have the boobs and she‘s got the attitude - I spit the difference.
"My God Popuri, did Karen send you to say she's sorry." Jack yelled.
This is runner up for most narm filled line in this fanfic.
Popuri smiled.
She was a serial killer!
How did I come to that conclusion…
I don’t know, I don‘t even think I spelled her name right…
"What silly. We've been married for 3 years."
Jake: That didn’t really answer my question.
Seriously, who would react in such a way.
Hon’ I ran over your dog.
Silly, I made waffles!
"No way, help Karen!" He ran off to the Goddess Waterfall.
If he needs Karen’s help why is he headed to the Goddess’ place?
"Goddess..down here now!"
Only the world’s most virile man can get way with talkin’ to the Goddess like that - if you know what I mean. [winks]
But seriously - uhg awful writing makes me wanna scream at the author, but I am the author!
"What, no way! No offering. Aren't you happy with Popuri? At least give it a day!"
Um - drive by exposition?
How the hell does Jake know she is to blame?
"How did you do this?"
She’s got jump magic baby, she’s the female equivalent of David Bowie…
Except the female equivalent of David Bowie is David Bowie - because he’s freakin’ David Bowie.
But yeah she’s got jump magic…
What was my point?
[Checks something off his to do list : make an obligatory David Bowie joke everyone must make once in their life]
"Of course, I granted your wish."
Exposition!
"BUT I DIDN'T."
"OH NO..Gotta go, see ya 2 days from now"
Um What? You know what - fuck it!
*poof*
Still awkward…
"HONEY! I collected some eggs!"
…
What? Was she just hanging around well he talked to the goddess?
"Mike Jr!!!!"
Subtle - no one would ever guess that Jake was just a self-insert of me…
I forgot to change the Mike to Jake to hide the shame.
"Who?"
I guess we never got around to procreation babe - [I begin to take off my clothes until my sporking staff hits me] Alright alright! Geez - I was just kidding!
"NO!!!!" *runs out of store*
Store?
Um sorry - I have no clue…
"Can I see Karen?"
No she’s invisible…
"No. Rick and she are away." Jeff said.
Blasted Rick, if I hadn’t already demonized Karen I’d totally demonize you!
To Be Continued ^.*
The whole world heaved a collective sigh of relief when they realized that; no, it was really over.
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Here is to (hopefully) many sporks to come!
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