Bringing Out the Best in Us (Part 2)
Title: Bringing Out the Best in Us
Pairing/Group: Nakamaru/Massu, unrequited Tegoshi/Massu; NEWS/KAT-TUN
Rating: PG
Notes: Written for je_devilorangel; Prompt was [中丸雄一 brave]. Thanks to my partner in crime, akumanakoi for making this a super fun experience ♥
Some of this piece was inspired by this quote: You cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And…you must first be willing to believe that you have it. -Audre Lorde
Summary: It takes a lot of courage for Massu to wear what he wears, and to speak his mind, even when it appears to be random. However, he wasn’t always this brave and he’s not so courageous in other areas of his life…
~~~
In order to promote their new Tegomass no Ai album, Tegoshi and Massu were gathered for yet another magazine photoshoot. Every time this happened, it was like a surprise party. You never knew the kinds of clothing, setting, or concept you had to work with and you had to be prepared for anything. One of the hazards of being an idol was being pushed into situations you didn’t want to for the sake of entertainment. Since Massu and Tegoshi had a lot of input into their album’s creation, they pretty much knew what this photoshoot would entail, no big surprises.
However, when they got to the set, there were lots of people running around in preparation (more than usual).
Tegoshi and Massu both announced their presence to the staff at the head of the room, “Good morning, yoroshiku onegaishimasu.”
They turned around to greet them in return, but hurriedly said, “Sorry guys, we have a last minute request to move locations. We’ll be shooting down the hall, but in the meantime, the other party is preparing in here as well. Why don’t you guys get settled and we’ll call you when we’re ready?”
The duo nodded and walked in that direction. Massu noticed a small pet carrier by the door and curiosity got the best of him. He bent down to see what it was.
“You’re so cute!” Massu crooned at the little white terrier sleeping inside. It didn’t look so threatening when it was sleeping like that.
Tegoshi squatted beside him, looking inside and then glanced at his partner. “I’ve never seen you so calm or interested around a dog before,” he commented.
The older man thought about it for a second and suddenly heard Nakamaru’s voice echoing in his ears. Don’t think about what the animal might or might not do to you. It’s more afraid of this giant human than you are of it. He laughed to himself a little as he remembered how silly that sounded. Giant human; he was no giant.
“I’ve been around dogs before,” he simply stated and stood back up, smiling, still thinking about that memory.
“Hmm,” was Tegoshi’s response, even though he knew there was more to the story that his friend wasn’t telling him. For some reason, he was bothered by this.
Their interview took place on schedule despite the location change, and it was pretty standard. There were questions about current and upcoming projects, what were their favorite songs on the album, etc. One of the questions evoked an interesting response, however.
“Tell us what Tegomass no Ai means to you.”
Tegoshi smiled, “It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s our love to the fans.”
“And it’s about our friendship together,” Massu added, pointing to his partner. “We collaborated a lot more on this album than we did before and it was a great experience for us both. It also represents the love that we put into the work.”
The interviewer nodded, seeming to like these answers. “On a similar note, what does love mean to you?”
They had both been asked this question before, and it was hard trying to answer it without sounding repetitive, but this time, Massu took the lead without hesitation.
“Love can mean a lot of things. Love for your family, your partner, to your friends, your pets, it’s all different. But if you’re talking about romantic love, to me, it’s like the kind of comfortable friendship you have for years, and it slowly changes. It’s being able to be yourself and know they will accept and support your growth.”
Tegoshi was speechless for a moment, but then answered, “Hmm, I agree, but I think love can also be spontaneous and adventurous and something that gives you strength to do your best.”
Massu nodded and the interviewer let them know that concluded the session.
“Man, that went by faster than I thought!” Tegoshi exclaimed as he stretched his arms on his way out of the room.
“Yea.” Massu followed alongside.
“Your answers surprised me, too.”
“Yea? I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”
“Really?” Tegoshi’s interest was piqued. “Are you dating someone?”
Massu moved to hush him. Even if it weren’t true, he didn’t want rumors spreading. “No, when do I have time for that?”
Tegoshi smirked, feeling as if he was a detective who had just found a new lead. “You’re lying.”
“You don’t have to believe me,” Massu said with confidence. He had nothing to hide, right?
---
Later that week, Massu got a call from his manager asking about a location shoot.
“I would love to!” Massu exclaimed as he confirmed he would ‘take the job’ to his manager. “I’ve been feeling the call of Fuji-san for some time now. This is perfect timing, even if it’s a bit cold now,” he added.
“The Myojo producer asked for you to pick someone from the agency to come with you. I could ask Tegoshi for you -”
“No, that’s okay. I’d like to do this with Nakamaru. And I can call him right away, if you’d like me to,” Massu interrupted. They had gone to Okinawa for their first trip, but that turned out to have its downsides, so he took this as an opportunity to make up for it. Plus, he figured the fans could use a fresh angle from Johnny’s, since it was always him with Tegoshi or NEWS.
Massu’s manager went about arranging the finer details while Massu called Nakamaru to convince him to take this interview (which he eventually did).
The climb up wasn’t as hard as they thought it’d be, though they had to start off early in the morning and that meant the temperatures were super cold. They passed the time catching up and randomly talking to people who were climbing alongside them. There were some people who recognized them, but most everyone was focused on the climb.
“I’m most excited about the view of the sunrise we’ll get to see. Everyone says it’s beautiful with the right weather and I have a good feeling about today,” Nakamaru said in between breaths. Even for someone who trained and did full concert tours, the altitude was making him work hard.
“That would be nice. I bet it would be a really romantic spot for couples too,” Massu added.
“Shall we pretend for today?” Nakamaru asked jokingly, though there was a hint of something in his voice that sounded different.
Massu looked at his close friend and smiled an impish smile. Even if he was serious, Massu would be okay with the idea.
After long moments without talking, concentrating on their steps, Massu broke the silence. “I’ve been meaning to ask, how are you dealing so far? With the heights, I mean.”
Nakamaru laughed. “You’re concerned for me now?” He saw the other man’s concerned face, even in the early morning darkness. He took another approach. “I agreed to this trip, didn’t I? Don’t worry about me.”
But I do, Massu thought. “I’m curious to know. How have you been able to fly for when you have to travel to concert venues?”
Nakamaru shrugged. “It’s not the same when you’re in a plane, ya know? It’s like riding the train, except you’re flying.”
Massu didn’t know how to respond to that.
Nakamaru sighed. “It’s hard to explain. It’s only scary when I physically see how far up I am. On a plane, I try not to think about it and sit as far away from the window as I can. Besides, I don’t do it too often, and if I had to, I’d knock myself out. With sleeping pills,” he clarified.
“Ahh, I see,” Massu finally said. “Still, you’re very brave to take this adventure on. Thank you.”
Nakamaru understood what he meant by this. “I know you wouldn’t put me in harm’s way. And this is fun, it’s definitely something we haven’t done before. You always challenge me to try new things.”
Massu could tell he was smiling by the sound of his voice.
“Ahh, look!” He pointed out the growing yellow and orange line across the dark blue vastness. “That’s amazing.”
As they reached one of the peaks, stepping towards the edge to watch the sunrise, Massu couldn’t help but feel like this was one of the happiest moments of his life. He held onto Nakamaru’s backpack, keeping him close.
He looked over at his best friend, seeing him gaze at the horizon in awe, with not a care in the world. It was beautiful. In that moment, Massu felt something that he had been denying up until this point, brushing it off as this or that. But perhaps he had known all along, and his heart was waiting for the right moment to reveal itself.
“If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I would be climbing up a mountain for a magazine shoot, I would have said they were crazy,” Nakamaru remarked as he stepped back from the ledge.
“Yea...” Massu replied, still lost in thought. If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I would be falling for my best guy friend, I would have said the same thing.
----
This realization was tough to handle, especially as they filmed Rescue together, but he tried to concentrate on his acting nonetheless. Through it, they both knew they had more improvement to make, but it was fun to take it on together. Despite filming together, Nakamaru did have promotions with KAT-TUN, so it was a nice relief for when Massu thought he was getting too close to him. When the drama was over, it was kind of rough to not be seeing each other so often, but at the same time, he needed a break. His heart had been through too much those past few months, and he wasn’t thinking about the hard firefighter training they went through.
Thankfully, Massu didn’t have much of a chance to dwell on his feelings as he dived full force into his own Tegomass and NEWS activities in the new year. Tegoshi and him had just launched another album and were in the middle of their concert tours, which didn’t leave much room for anything else.
“Massu, can I have a word with you?” Tegoshi asked Massu the moment they stepped off stage following a concert on their Mahou tour.
Massu thought Tegoshi's voice sounded a little different than usual. Nervous. Which was unusual because Tegoshi Yuya was the bravest person he knew. It must be a bit of residue nervousness from the concert they had just finished, he decided. But then again, when did Tegoshi ever get nervous about going on stage either?
He wiped sweat from his hairline with a towel as he padded after his group-mate away from the crowds of staff hectically running around trying to clear up following the mess made backstage during the concert.
“You have some confetti in your hair,” Tegoshi told him and reached his hand out to try and untangle it from Massu's damp strands of red hair. As Massu's hand reached up to try and stop him touching it, a defensive manuvere he always when someone tried to mess with his hair, Tegoshi leaned close to his ear and whispered, “wanna play fight some more?” just as Massu gripped hold of his arm.
Massu dropped the towel he had been holding on the ground with his spare hand in shock as he felt the other's hot breath against his cheek. “W-what?” he spoke unsurely, wondering if he was imagining all of this. It seemed like Tegoshi's nervousness had disintegrated, while Massu's heart was starting to pound loudly in his chest as the other man lowered the arm that Massu had grasped and pressed his lips firmly against his.
Something flashed in Massu's mind. His lips were against someone's. They were kissing. Then the image in his mind faded. The blonde bangs he could see out of the corner of his eyes felt all wrong. The soft lips, tasting of a mix of sweat and lip gloss and Tegoshi. It wasn't right. He pulled back.
“What are you doing?” he asked accusingly, his grip on Tegoshi's arms tightening.
He looked into Tegoshi's eyes. Tegoshi had that look he always used when he had gotten something wrong, or when someone was teasing him. Massu knew he did it for attention, but he knew Tegoshi well and this time there seemed to be a little bit of genuine hurt underneath it all.
“I just kissed you,” Tegoshi told him, his shoulder slumping.
“... why?” was Massu's next question.
“I wanted to.”
“Please don't do it again.” Massu's reply was formal and polite and his shoulders even bowed a little apologetically. He wasn't sure why he was apologetic. It wasn't as if everyone had to want Tegoshi to kiss them. Then again, it wasn't Tegoshi's fault that he -
He stopped his thoughts with a shake of his head, worried that it might show in his face.
“You didn't like it?” Tegoshi pushed, and Massu could feel the other man's big brown eyes burning into him like lazers.
“It's not exactly that I didn't like it,” Massu told him objectively, panicking inside as he tried to think of an excuse.
Tegoshi turned away to pick up a towel from the nearby table, using it to wipe his face. “Well, true, I'm not Nakamaru Yuichi but I don't really see what he has that I don't.”
“What did you say?”
“You were talking about him in your sleep last night.”
“We don't share a -”
“I was bored,” Tegoshi interrupted.
“So you came to watch me sleep?”
“Are you in love with him?”
Massu blinked as his mind tried to get round the sudden change in conversation. “What kind of stupid question is that?”
“I guess so,” Tegoshi shrugged. “I mean it's pretty obvious that you are.”
Massu opened his mouth to speak again but what could he really say when Tegoshi, as usual, had gotten him absolutely right. “I... I think I am,” he spoke quietly, his shoulder slumping in defeat.
“You know if you do it in your sleep then it doesn't count as telling him, right?”
Massu gave Tegoshi a slow nod, as if wondering why that was even a question, and Tegoshi walked forwards and rested one hand on each of his shoulders.
“You don't need to tell me. You don't need to tell your bed. You need to tell him,” Tegoshi told him and there was a seriousness to his eyes that Massu only usually saw when he was talking about work. “Of course other people are going to kiss you if they don't know you're in love with someone else, silly.”
“Why would people -”
Tegoshi didn't even let him finish. The hands on his shoulders slid forwards until he had the other man in a hug, and he gave him an affectionate squeeze. “Because you're Massu~” he told him simply, and then he pulled back and gave him a wink. “Go do it, okay? Be brave,” he told him, and as he skipped away to go and take a shower, Massu knew that he was right. He just didn't know if he was brave enough.
--
Ever since the success of Massu’s costume designs for the LIVE concert tour, he had taken up more responsibilities in creating the image of the new NEWS. He immersed himself in coming up with new fashion ideas to the point that he would carry around a blank canvas notepad in order to draw his ideas. Though his drawing skills weren’t the best, he managed to get his image across and the staff really appreciated the help. After all these years, coming up with an image for NEWS that was different, yet kept the same feeling took a bit of work.
Today, Massu was working on a set for the second half of the concert and seemed to be stuck, designer’s block, if you will. He just finished some promotional activities for Tegomass and was sitting in the dressing room hoping for some inspiration. He kind of knew what his costume would already look like, following his recent trend of baggy shirts and pants, but he didn’t know what color scheme to use and if it would flow with the song set. Usually he would consult with Tegoshi, but he was still doing some solo shoots.
Massu sighed audibly and closed his eyes for a moment, letting his body relax and sink into the couch. He might have drifted off for a moment, brilliant colors dancing beneath his closed eyes.
The sound of footsteps by the door startled him awake. The person on the other side knocked.
Hm, that’s weird. Tegoshi could just walk right in if he wanted to. Massu thought to himself, and then said, “Come in.”
To his surprise, Nakamaru’s head peeked out from behind the door with a broad smile. “Yo.”
“Oh hey! What’s going on?” Massu happily greeted his close friend. He really was happy to see him, but on the inside, he was having the biggest heart attack of his life. After having that conversation with Tegoshi, he was lucky enough (or maybe he was avoiding him altogether) to not have bumped into Nakamaru, so he wouldn’t have to say the things he needed to say. He thought that he would be safe with such a busy schedule to be able to take some time to really think through the words he wanted to express to Nakamaru, but it seemed that fate was not on his side. Or maybe it was, but he felt wholly unprepared for this sudden chance, and floundered for what to do or talk about to stall.
This internal conflict went unnoticed by Nakamaru and he proceeded to talk about his day.
“Nothing, just thought I’d drop by since I was in the building,” Nakamaru replied.
“Ahhh,” Massu understood that he meant that the rest of KAT-TUN had a photoshoot nearby. That’s good, he thought. He would have to go back soon. Stall! “How’s your schedule been like?”
Nakamaru laughed. “Probably not as busy as yours right now, but it’s good. You know, we’ve had our ups and downs, just trying to get back into the routine of things.”
Massu nodded. He understood more than anyone that the past few years had been turbulent for both of them, which had been the main topic of discussion for them on many a night. “True, but let me know when you’re available, because it’d be nice to catch up.”
It had been awhile since the two had seen each other, each busy with their own activities. Contrary to people’s beliefs, it wasn’t very often that different group members bumped into each other.
Massu truly missed being able to talk with Nakamaru about all sorts of things, even if there was one particularly looming topic that he avoided like the plague. “Oh and actually, I have this new project-”
“Oh no,” Nakamaru interrupted him with a slight chuckle, “you and your projects.”
Massu laughed along. “No, no, hear me out. I’m helping to design the costume set for our concert.”
This statement garnered another “Oh no” from Nakamaru, which garnered an attempted kick from Massu’s sitting position on the couch. He laughed but then settled down to listen to his friend.
“You know how my personal style is a bit eccentric to others, and I want our new style to reflect each of our styles, but I’m…a bit nervous this time.”
“Because it’s the first time as four.”
“Yea...” Massu was so grateful that Nakamaru understood him so well, even when his words weren’t exactly coherent or meaningful. “And of course I talk with the members about it, but they always say they’ll leave it up to me. I know they mean well by it, that they trust me to take care of it, but I’m a bit afraid to be honest.”
“About?”
“The image that I have, I want the fans to look at us and say, ‘Ah, this is what the new NEWS looks like, it suits them.’”
Nakamaru nodded in silence, thinking. “Sounds like you’re worried what everyone’s gonna think. The end result, is it going to be good enough?”
Massu thought about that for a moment, “Yea, exactly…Man, I’m sorry for bombarding you with this when you’ve just dropped by to say hi. If you have to go…”
Nakamaru gave him a quick pat on the shoulders. “Don’t worry, you know I’m always here for you. It’s understandable that you’re nervous, there’s pressure, but I agree with the other members, I trust you too.”
“Thanks, Yuichi.”
“I know you’re always thinking about the fans, but it’s not like you to care what others think. Maybe if you just honed in on what feels right for each person, the fans will feel it too?”
It was as if a light bulb had gone off in Massu’s head. “Yea! Jeez, I’ve really missed talking to you about these kinds of things. You really get me.”
Massu felt his cheeks flush red as he blushed at that blatant comment. If he had just a bit more courage, it probably would have been a nice segue into what he should have said. Nakamaru neither agreed or denied this. There was a lull in their conversation and nothing but the sound of Nakamaru’s shoes shifting on the tile was heard in the room.
“Well, I’m glad to be of help, but I should probably get going,” he said, heading towards the doors.
“Yea...” Massu replied, his heart pounding in his chest. You have to do this now, or you’ll never do it, Massu. Be brave. He heard Tegoshi’s voice echo in his head, surprisingly (and not at all), a voice of reason. Suddenly, the solution appeared so simple to him. Be brave. Don’t think about what’s going to happen (even if it was admittedly easier said than done), just do it. You won’t know what the future is until you’ve actually lived the present and to do that, he had to do something.
Nakamaru was about to head out when Massu seemingly leapt off the couch to stop him, grabbing the older man’s arm. He turned around looking a bit puzzled, but stepped back into the room.
“What is it?”
“Um,” Massu began. “I’m not sure how this is going to come out.” His heart seemed to be beating faster and faster, jumping higher and higher into his throat and he couldn’t continue, needing to catch his breath.
Nakamaru looked concerned. “What’s wrong?” He reached to grab the younger man’s elbow, trying to support some of his weight and moving them towards the couch to sit. Massu’s body was buzzing with electricity and tried his best to avoid eye contact with Nakamaru, afraid he would do something rash. The feel of his hand on his arm spread comforting warmth throughout his body.
Nakamaru kept his hold on Massu until he seemed to have calmed down, breathing slower and looking less pale.
“Hey, tell me what’s going on,” he implored.
“I don’t know where to begin,” Massu stuttered. Nakamaru was still sitting way too close for comfort, so he shifted a little bit on the couch.
Nakamaru followed Massu with his eyes as he shifted away from him, and his own forehead was beginning to crease in worry. This wasn’t the first time he had seen Massu this worried, but he was usually the one person he knew Massu could speak to comfortably. This stalling and stuttering was strange.
“Well, I guess from the beginning...” Nakamaru spoke, his own voice a little unsure.
Massu choked out a nervous laugh, realizing how obvious the answer was. Of course, from the beginning. He thought. But when would that be? When had these feelings started?
“Okay,” he took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Nakamaru was still looking at him concerned, but he could now stand to look at the older man without feeling like running for the door. “I think I’m just going to say it, because the longer I put it off, the more I’m going to freak out. But! You have to promise me that you won’t laugh at or hate me.”
“When have I ever laughed at you?” Nakamaru pointed out. “I didn’t laugh when you put all your clothes in color order in our hotel closet, or when you screamed when you had to touch that hamster. Why would I laugh now?” he smiled reassuringly. He was trying to lighten the tense atmosphere a little by joking, but he wasn’t sure it was really helping. It was just what he did. “And I’m not allowed to hate you. I think it’s in our contract.”
Massu quirked his head at this last statement. “Our contract? Wha -nevermind.” He shook his head, confused, but grateful that Nakamaru knew exactly what to say to help calm his nerves. Just like the time he needed coaching to get through that photoshoot. Just like the very beginning when they met in junior dance practice. And during times when he was so unsure of his future, of himself. Nakamaru was always there and it made what he was about to say so much more real.
With one deep breath, Massu said what he had known in his heart for some time but had no words to express. “I’m in love with you, Nakamaru Yuichi.”
Nakamaru had been listening so intently to every word that Massu had said to him up until this point that when Massu finally came out with what he seemed to have been trying to tell him this whole time he heard the words but somehow he didn’t quite take them in. He had gotten so used to the other stalling and leading things round in circles that he couldn’t quite believe it had finally come to this.
The concern in his eyes changed into confusion, and he stared at the other man, shifting back a little closer to him on the couch. “Wait,” he spoke, his eyes trying to read the other man’s. “What did you say?” This was the kind of situation where it was very easy to make a fool of yourself if you were wrong, and he didn’t want that to happen now, not with this.
Massu’s face flushed red again, and the fleeting eye contact he had managed to maintained flew out the window. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Come on, you said it once already, can’t you say it again?
“Yuichi,” he said, his voice almost pleading, pleading for him to get the message this time. “I’m in love with you.”
“Oh.” Nakamaru could have kicked himself for coming out with that response, but it was his first reaction. While he had been waiting for Massu to speak again he had been convincing himself in his mind that he had heard wrongly and that the other hadn’t really said what he thought he had. Now he had found out he had been completely right, he didn’t quite know how to handle it. He looked up and tried to meet Massu’s eyes, which was hard when the other was trying to avoid it, and he wondered what Massu would do if this was the other way round. Massu would react the same way he would, he was sure. They were more similar than most people knew.
“Well...” he spoke, and now he was the one who was tongue-tied. “Oh,” he said again, and his mind was desperately trying to look at this objectively but he couldn’t because somehow, this seemed completely natural.
Massu didn’t know what he expected out of this confession, but it certainly wasn’t this. From what he’s heard how confessions are supposed to go, perhaps he expected there would be outrage, disbelief, fear, or at least a few words in response, but not exactly this. He had been worried what Nakamaru would think of him, but the older man seemed to have accepted it quite plainly. But now the question was, how did Nakamaru feel about him?
After holding his breath for what seemed like a million years, Massu let it out, but instead of the usual sigh of relief, he started to laugh.
Nakamaru was expecting Massu to be mad at him for his very plain and short response to his confession, and so the laughter that came from Massu’s lips threw him off completely. The other man had seemed so serious and nervous before and now he was laughing. He knew that, on occasions, Massu would laugh with nervousness, but he thought that with something like this he would be able to hold back.
Then a thought struck him and he knew they were entertainers, actors, and he knew Massu was pretty good at that. “Wait... was that a joke?” he asked.
“Oh god,” Massu clasped his hands to his mouth and sat frozen next to Nakamaru, his face went completely serious. Nononono, this is not what I intended to happen! His eyes were no longer wandering, but stared directly at Nakamaru, like a doe caught in headlights. His mouth became dry and he searched for the right words to say. Dear god, I hope I didn’t mess this up.
He took another deep breath and the voice that came out was steady and even. “I’m sorry, let me try that again. I...hadn’t expected that from you, and I couldn’t control myself.” He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants, even more flustered. “Ugh,” he made a sound of disgust. “This is not how I imagined this going.” He lowered his head, now staring at his hands. He swallowed and tried again. “I’m in love with you, but I don’t know how you feel. So...I don’t know, tell me what you’re thinking,” Massu said, sounding desperate.
It isn’t a joke. At first, it was less of a relief to Nakamaru than he thought it would be. Because now he had to actually think about how he was feeling. He looked back at Massu with his desperate look and he knew he needed to give the other man an answer.Giving the wrong one wouldn’t do any of them any good.
Now, his own words were on the tip of his tongue just like Massu’s had been before, and he suddenly knew how he felt. “I don’t think -” he started, and then stopped to think over his words again. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” he finished. “I think its a good thing,” he nodded surely, and he realised that he was only telling the other how he felt about Massu’s confession, and not about how he felt himself, but that was a little harder. “I think that I -” he started to continue, and then he reached out and took one of the other’s hands. “Why were you so scared of telling me?”
Massu nearly jumped at the touch, but held still and looked into the other man’s eyes. He was glad that he hadn’t blown him off for laughing, and was kind of relieved that he seemed to be having trouble with words too. Was this a good sign or a bad sign? However, he thought it was a pretty sneaky move to turn the questioning back on him when he hadn’t yet received an answer. He went along with it anyway.
“Because...” Yes, that seemed like an appropriate reason. “Ya know, we’re best friends and it would be weird for me to...love you...like that.” That was the fourth time he had said ‘love’ now, and he wondered how many more times he would have to explain himself. It was getting easier to say it, but he wanted to know it wasn’t all in vain. “I was afraid you’d think I was crazy, be weirded out, and never want to speak to me again.” I guess I was afraid of losing you. He didn’t say this last part out loud, but it finally made sense as to why he had been avoiding it for so long.
“Who would I call when I wanted fashion or cooking advice if I could never speak to you again? I’d be a laughing stock in the street and I’d burn my kitchen down,” Nakamaru chuckled a little. It was easy to talk about their friendship, the things Massu helped him with, how hard it would be to cope without him. He could barely remember a time when they hadn’t been friends, and the thought of not having Massu in his life was too hard to even think about.
He went silent, hearing Massu telling him he loved him again and again in his head, and the more he heard it, the more he liked the sound of it. Suddenly it felt like he had always been saying it. Through all the things they had done together. The times they’d helped each other out, when they’d gone in trips together and laid in their beds beside each other talking non-stop into the middle of the night.
He reached out his spare hand, and took hold of Massu’s other one with it. And then he squeezed them tightly before letting go and gathering the other man into his arms. “You don’t ever have to be without me. Not ever,” he told him confidently, and he wondered if this hug told the other things he was still trying to put into words.
Massu nearly made an unattractive squeak upon being pulled into the hug, but held it in. He didn’t want to ruin this moment. He melted into the older man’s warmth, wondering why they hadn’t done this sooner. The beat of their hearts were steady, in rhythm with each other.
Of course Nakamaru knew exactly what to say and do to make everything alright. No words needed to be exchanged any further.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, until Massu reluctantly pulled away. His eyes were searching, even when he knew the answers. He wanted to know what should happen next, but he went with the safer route. Too much had happened in the past hour that he couldn’t handle much more excitement. “I guess you should head back to your dressing room now? But before you go,” he hesitated for a moment, giving Nakamaru’s hands a quick squeeze. “I’m really happy.”
Nakamaru felt very comfortable in the hug and didn’t want to pull back either, but he was glad that the other finally did because he really did need to be getting back.
“I really should go,” he told him apologetically as he squeezed his hand back. He wondered how he would get through the rest of the day waiting to speak to him again. “I’m glad you’re happy,” he told him, with a calm smile on his face. “I’m happy too. Will you be here when I finish?”
Massu’s own smile widened. “Yeah, I’ll be here.” He watched him walk towards the door, as he stayed seated on the couch, a little dumbfounded. He couldn’t help how giddy he was feeling. So this was what everyone fuses about, this thing called love. That was cheesy. But I don’t care.
He turned back to his sketchbook and stared at it for a couple minutes. “There’s no way I’m going to be able to concentrate on this right now.” He tossed it onto the table and started pacing around the room. Now panic was setting in. What was this going to mean for their friendship? Would it just go on as normal? How was he going to explain himself to his friends? What was KAT-TUN going to think? What if word gets out?
He stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. He placed a hand over his forehead, rubbing gently, trying to ease the pressure that was building in his head. Damnit, worry-wart. I’m doing that thing again. Calm down! He mentally berated himself.
Nakamaru laughed a little when he saw Massu rubbing his forehead, knowing that was a sign that the other had so many things in his head he felt he needed to rub some of them away. “Hey, you already did the hardest part, right? After this it’s all easy. Be brave,” he told him, and he knew Massu could do it. He was the bravest person he knew, after all.
He really needed to go. But his feet wouldn’t move.
Massu turned around to see Nakamaru still standing there and blushed. He knew he could always trust Nakamaru and if he thought it was going to be easy, then it would be okay. His feet moved as if it had a mind of its own and within seconds, he was pulling Nakamaru into another hug. Massu broke the silence after a few moments with a whisper. “I...really don’t want to let you go.” He smiled into the crook of Nakamaru’s neck, breathing his scent in, and then pulling back again. “Ok, I’ll see you later. For real this time.”
When the hug ended, Nakamaru chuckled a little when he heard what Massu said. “Well you can come with me, but you’d have to join KAT-TUN,” he told him. He went to step back a little, but there was one more thing he wanted to do before he left. He leaned forwards a little, and planted a light kiss on the other man’s lips. It was strange kissing Massu, yet somehow completely not strange at the same time.
He could still taste the other man’s lips as he turned round and gave him one last smile before he headed out of the room to return to his own work.
Massu watched as his best friend walked away, leaving him pleasantly shocked with what just happened. Even though the kiss was brief, It was amazing how their lips fit naturally together and how absolutely normal it felt doing it. If this was how it was going to be, Nakamaru was right, it would be easy. He could forget what the world had to say and be content living the way they were, without changing to suit anyone’s needs, just as they had began their friendship and careers trying to do so. And yes, it would take a lot of courage to face future challenges together, but if he had Nakamaru beside him, he felt like he could do anything.
<--- Part 1
Pairing/Group: Nakamaru/Massu, unrequited Tegoshi/Massu; NEWS/KAT-TUN
Rating: PG
Notes: Written for je_devilorangel; Prompt was [中丸雄一 brave]. Thanks to my partner in crime, akumanakoi for making this a super fun experience ♥
Some of this piece was inspired by this quote: You cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And…you must first be willing to believe that you have it. -Audre Lorde
Summary: It takes a lot of courage for Massu to wear what he wears, and to speak his mind, even when it appears to be random. However, he wasn’t always this brave and he’s not so courageous in other areas of his life…
~~~
In order to promote their new Tegomass no Ai album, Tegoshi and Massu were gathered for yet another magazine photoshoot. Every time this happened, it was like a surprise party. You never knew the kinds of clothing, setting, or concept you had to work with and you had to be prepared for anything. One of the hazards of being an idol was being pushed into situations you didn’t want to for the sake of entertainment. Since Massu and Tegoshi had a lot of input into their album’s creation, they pretty much knew what this photoshoot would entail, no big surprises.
However, when they got to the set, there were lots of people running around in preparation (more than usual).
Tegoshi and Massu both announced their presence to the staff at the head of the room, “Good morning, yoroshiku onegaishimasu.”
They turned around to greet them in return, but hurriedly said, “Sorry guys, we have a last minute request to move locations. We’ll be shooting down the hall, but in the meantime, the other party is preparing in here as well. Why don’t you guys get settled and we’ll call you when we’re ready?”
The duo nodded and walked in that direction. Massu noticed a small pet carrier by the door and curiosity got the best of him. He bent down to see what it was.
“You’re so cute!” Massu crooned at the little white terrier sleeping inside. It didn’t look so threatening when it was sleeping like that.
Tegoshi squatted beside him, looking inside and then glanced at his partner. “I’ve never seen you so calm or interested around a dog before,” he commented.
The older man thought about it for a second and suddenly heard Nakamaru’s voice echoing in his ears. Don’t think about what the animal might or might not do to you. It’s more afraid of this giant human than you are of it. He laughed to himself a little as he remembered how silly that sounded. Giant human; he was no giant.
“I’ve been around dogs before,” he simply stated and stood back up, smiling, still thinking about that memory.
“Hmm,” was Tegoshi’s response, even though he knew there was more to the story that his friend wasn’t telling him. For some reason, he was bothered by this.
Their interview took place on schedule despite the location change, and it was pretty standard. There were questions about current and upcoming projects, what were their favorite songs on the album, etc. One of the questions evoked an interesting response, however.
“Tell us what Tegomass no Ai means to you.”
Tegoshi smiled, “It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s our love to the fans.”
“And it’s about our friendship together,” Massu added, pointing to his partner. “We collaborated a lot more on this album than we did before and it was a great experience for us both. It also represents the love that we put into the work.”
The interviewer nodded, seeming to like these answers. “On a similar note, what does love mean to you?”
They had both been asked this question before, and it was hard trying to answer it without sounding repetitive, but this time, Massu took the lead without hesitation.
“Love can mean a lot of things. Love for your family, your partner, to your friends, your pets, it’s all different. But if you’re talking about romantic love, to me, it’s like the kind of comfortable friendship you have for years, and it slowly changes. It’s being able to be yourself and know they will accept and support your growth.”
Tegoshi was speechless for a moment, but then answered, “Hmm, I agree, but I think love can also be spontaneous and adventurous and something that gives you strength to do your best.”
Massu nodded and the interviewer let them know that concluded the session.
“Man, that went by faster than I thought!” Tegoshi exclaimed as he stretched his arms on his way out of the room.
“Yea.” Massu followed alongside.
“Your answers surprised me, too.”
“Yea? I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”
“Really?” Tegoshi’s interest was piqued. “Are you dating someone?”
Massu moved to hush him. Even if it weren’t true, he didn’t want rumors spreading. “No, when do I have time for that?”
Tegoshi smirked, feeling as if he was a detective who had just found a new lead. “You’re lying.”
“You don’t have to believe me,” Massu said with confidence. He had nothing to hide, right?
---
Later that week, Massu got a call from his manager asking about a location shoot.
“I would love to!” Massu exclaimed as he confirmed he would ‘take the job’ to his manager. “I’ve been feeling the call of Fuji-san for some time now. This is perfect timing, even if it’s a bit cold now,” he added.
“The Myojo producer asked for you to pick someone from the agency to come with you. I could ask Tegoshi for you -”
“No, that’s okay. I’d like to do this with Nakamaru. And I can call him right away, if you’d like me to,” Massu interrupted. They had gone to Okinawa for their first trip, but that turned out to have its downsides, so he took this as an opportunity to make up for it. Plus, he figured the fans could use a fresh angle from Johnny’s, since it was always him with Tegoshi or NEWS.
Massu’s manager went about arranging the finer details while Massu called Nakamaru to convince him to take this interview (which he eventually did).
The climb up wasn’t as hard as they thought it’d be, though they had to start off early in the morning and that meant the temperatures were super cold. They passed the time catching up and randomly talking to people who were climbing alongside them. There were some people who recognized them, but most everyone was focused on the climb.
“I’m most excited about the view of the sunrise we’ll get to see. Everyone says it’s beautiful with the right weather and I have a good feeling about today,” Nakamaru said in between breaths. Even for someone who trained and did full concert tours, the altitude was making him work hard.
“That would be nice. I bet it would be a really romantic spot for couples too,” Massu added.
“Shall we pretend for today?” Nakamaru asked jokingly, though there was a hint of something in his voice that sounded different.
Massu looked at his close friend and smiled an impish smile. Even if he was serious, Massu would be okay with the idea.
After long moments without talking, concentrating on their steps, Massu broke the silence. “I’ve been meaning to ask, how are you dealing so far? With the heights, I mean.”
Nakamaru laughed. “You’re concerned for me now?” He saw the other man’s concerned face, even in the early morning darkness. He took another approach. “I agreed to this trip, didn’t I? Don’t worry about me.”
But I do, Massu thought. “I’m curious to know. How have you been able to fly for when you have to travel to concert venues?”
Nakamaru shrugged. “It’s not the same when you’re in a plane, ya know? It’s like riding the train, except you’re flying.”
Massu didn’t know how to respond to that.
Nakamaru sighed. “It’s hard to explain. It’s only scary when I physically see how far up I am. On a plane, I try not to think about it and sit as far away from the window as I can. Besides, I don’t do it too often, and if I had to, I’d knock myself out. With sleeping pills,” he clarified.
“Ahh, I see,” Massu finally said. “Still, you’re very brave to take this adventure on. Thank you.”
Nakamaru understood what he meant by this. “I know you wouldn’t put me in harm’s way. And this is fun, it’s definitely something we haven’t done before. You always challenge me to try new things.”
Massu could tell he was smiling by the sound of his voice.
“Ahh, look!” He pointed out the growing yellow and orange line across the dark blue vastness. “That’s amazing.”
As they reached one of the peaks, stepping towards the edge to watch the sunrise, Massu couldn’t help but feel like this was one of the happiest moments of his life. He held onto Nakamaru’s backpack, keeping him close.
He looked over at his best friend, seeing him gaze at the horizon in awe, with not a care in the world. It was beautiful. In that moment, Massu felt something that he had been denying up until this point, brushing it off as this or that. But perhaps he had known all along, and his heart was waiting for the right moment to reveal itself.
“If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I would be climbing up a mountain for a magazine shoot, I would have said they were crazy,” Nakamaru remarked as he stepped back from the ledge.
“Yea...” Massu replied, still lost in thought. If you would have told me 10 years ago, that I would be falling for my best guy friend, I would have said the same thing.
----
This realization was tough to handle, especially as they filmed Rescue together, but he tried to concentrate on his acting nonetheless. Through it, they both knew they had more improvement to make, but it was fun to take it on together. Despite filming together, Nakamaru did have promotions with KAT-TUN, so it was a nice relief for when Massu thought he was getting too close to him. When the drama was over, it was kind of rough to not be seeing each other so often, but at the same time, he needed a break. His heart had been through too much those past few months, and he wasn’t thinking about the hard firefighter training they went through.
Thankfully, Massu didn’t have much of a chance to dwell on his feelings as he dived full force into his own Tegomass and NEWS activities in the new year. Tegoshi and him had just launched another album and were in the middle of their concert tours, which didn’t leave much room for anything else.
“Massu, can I have a word with you?” Tegoshi asked Massu the moment they stepped off stage following a concert on their Mahou tour.
Massu thought Tegoshi's voice sounded a little different than usual. Nervous. Which was unusual because Tegoshi Yuya was the bravest person he knew. It must be a bit of residue nervousness from the concert they had just finished, he decided. But then again, when did Tegoshi ever get nervous about going on stage either?
He wiped sweat from his hairline with a towel as he padded after his group-mate away from the crowds of staff hectically running around trying to clear up following the mess made backstage during the concert.
“You have some confetti in your hair,” Tegoshi told him and reached his hand out to try and untangle it from Massu's damp strands of red hair. As Massu's hand reached up to try and stop him touching it, a defensive manuvere he always when someone tried to mess with his hair, Tegoshi leaned close to his ear and whispered, “wanna play fight some more?” just as Massu gripped hold of his arm.
Massu dropped the towel he had been holding on the ground with his spare hand in shock as he felt the other's hot breath against his cheek. “W-what?” he spoke unsurely, wondering if he was imagining all of this. It seemed like Tegoshi's nervousness had disintegrated, while Massu's heart was starting to pound loudly in his chest as the other man lowered the arm that Massu had grasped and pressed his lips firmly against his.
Something flashed in Massu's mind. His lips were against someone's. They were kissing. Then the image in his mind faded. The blonde bangs he could see out of the corner of his eyes felt all wrong. The soft lips, tasting of a mix of sweat and lip gloss and Tegoshi. It wasn't right. He pulled back.
“What are you doing?” he asked accusingly, his grip on Tegoshi's arms tightening.
He looked into Tegoshi's eyes. Tegoshi had that look he always used when he had gotten something wrong, or when someone was teasing him. Massu knew he did it for attention, but he knew Tegoshi well and this time there seemed to be a little bit of genuine hurt underneath it all.
“I just kissed you,” Tegoshi told him, his shoulder slumping.
“... why?” was Massu's next question.
“I wanted to.”
“Please don't do it again.” Massu's reply was formal and polite and his shoulders even bowed a little apologetically. He wasn't sure why he was apologetic. It wasn't as if everyone had to want Tegoshi to kiss them. Then again, it wasn't Tegoshi's fault that he -
He stopped his thoughts with a shake of his head, worried that it might show in his face.
“You didn't like it?” Tegoshi pushed, and Massu could feel the other man's big brown eyes burning into him like lazers.
“It's not exactly that I didn't like it,” Massu told him objectively, panicking inside as he tried to think of an excuse.
Tegoshi turned away to pick up a towel from the nearby table, using it to wipe his face. “Well, true, I'm not Nakamaru Yuichi but I don't really see what he has that I don't.”
“What did you say?”
“You were talking about him in your sleep last night.”
“We don't share a -”
“I was bored,” Tegoshi interrupted.
“So you came to watch me sleep?”
“Are you in love with him?”
Massu blinked as his mind tried to get round the sudden change in conversation. “What kind of stupid question is that?”
“I guess so,” Tegoshi shrugged. “I mean it's pretty obvious that you are.”
Massu opened his mouth to speak again but what could he really say when Tegoshi, as usual, had gotten him absolutely right. “I... I think I am,” he spoke quietly, his shoulder slumping in defeat.
“You know if you do it in your sleep then it doesn't count as telling him, right?”
Massu gave Tegoshi a slow nod, as if wondering why that was even a question, and Tegoshi walked forwards and rested one hand on each of his shoulders.
“You don't need to tell me. You don't need to tell your bed. You need to tell him,” Tegoshi told him and there was a seriousness to his eyes that Massu only usually saw when he was talking about work. “Of course other people are going to kiss you if they don't know you're in love with someone else, silly.”
“Why would people -”
Tegoshi didn't even let him finish. The hands on his shoulders slid forwards until he had the other man in a hug, and he gave him an affectionate squeeze. “Because you're Massu~” he told him simply, and then he pulled back and gave him a wink. “Go do it, okay? Be brave,” he told him, and as he skipped away to go and take a shower, Massu knew that he was right. He just didn't know if he was brave enough.
--
Ever since the success of Massu’s costume designs for the LIVE concert tour, he had taken up more responsibilities in creating the image of the new NEWS. He immersed himself in coming up with new fashion ideas to the point that he would carry around a blank canvas notepad in order to draw his ideas. Though his drawing skills weren’t the best, he managed to get his image across and the staff really appreciated the help. After all these years, coming up with an image for NEWS that was different, yet kept the same feeling took a bit of work.
Today, Massu was working on a set for the second half of the concert and seemed to be stuck, designer’s block, if you will. He just finished some promotional activities for Tegomass and was sitting in the dressing room hoping for some inspiration. He kind of knew what his costume would already look like, following his recent trend of baggy shirts and pants, but he didn’t know what color scheme to use and if it would flow with the song set. Usually he would consult with Tegoshi, but he was still doing some solo shoots.
Massu sighed audibly and closed his eyes for a moment, letting his body relax and sink into the couch. He might have drifted off for a moment, brilliant colors dancing beneath his closed eyes.
The sound of footsteps by the door startled him awake. The person on the other side knocked.
Hm, that’s weird. Tegoshi could just walk right in if he wanted to. Massu thought to himself, and then said, “Come in.”
To his surprise, Nakamaru’s head peeked out from behind the door with a broad smile. “Yo.”
“Oh hey! What’s going on?” Massu happily greeted his close friend. He really was happy to see him, but on the inside, he was having the biggest heart attack of his life. After having that conversation with Tegoshi, he was lucky enough (or maybe he was avoiding him altogether) to not have bumped into Nakamaru, so he wouldn’t have to say the things he needed to say. He thought that he would be safe with such a busy schedule to be able to take some time to really think through the words he wanted to express to Nakamaru, but it seemed that fate was not on his side. Or maybe it was, but he felt wholly unprepared for this sudden chance, and floundered for what to do or talk about to stall.
This internal conflict went unnoticed by Nakamaru and he proceeded to talk about his day.
“Nothing, just thought I’d drop by since I was in the building,” Nakamaru replied.
“Ahhh,” Massu understood that he meant that the rest of KAT-TUN had a photoshoot nearby. That’s good, he thought. He would have to go back soon. Stall! “How’s your schedule been like?”
Nakamaru laughed. “Probably not as busy as yours right now, but it’s good. You know, we’ve had our ups and downs, just trying to get back into the routine of things.”
Massu nodded. He understood more than anyone that the past few years had been turbulent for both of them, which had been the main topic of discussion for them on many a night. “True, but let me know when you’re available, because it’d be nice to catch up.”
It had been awhile since the two had seen each other, each busy with their own activities. Contrary to people’s beliefs, it wasn’t very often that different group members bumped into each other.
Massu truly missed being able to talk with Nakamaru about all sorts of things, even if there was one particularly looming topic that he avoided like the plague. “Oh and actually, I have this new project-”
“Oh no,” Nakamaru interrupted him with a slight chuckle, “you and your projects.”
Massu laughed along. “No, no, hear me out. I’m helping to design the costume set for our concert.”
This statement garnered another “Oh no” from Nakamaru, which garnered an attempted kick from Massu’s sitting position on the couch. He laughed but then settled down to listen to his friend.
“You know how my personal style is a bit eccentric to others, and I want our new style to reflect each of our styles, but I’m…a bit nervous this time.”
“Because it’s the first time as four.”
“Yea...” Massu was so grateful that Nakamaru understood him so well, even when his words weren’t exactly coherent or meaningful. “And of course I talk with the members about it, but they always say they’ll leave it up to me. I know they mean well by it, that they trust me to take care of it, but I’m a bit afraid to be honest.”
“About?”
“The image that I have, I want the fans to look at us and say, ‘Ah, this is what the new NEWS looks like, it suits them.’”
Nakamaru nodded in silence, thinking. “Sounds like you’re worried what everyone’s gonna think. The end result, is it going to be good enough?”
Massu thought about that for a moment, “Yea, exactly…Man, I’m sorry for bombarding you with this when you’ve just dropped by to say hi. If you have to go…”
Nakamaru gave him a quick pat on the shoulders. “Don’t worry, you know I’m always here for you. It’s understandable that you’re nervous, there’s pressure, but I agree with the other members, I trust you too.”
“Thanks, Yuichi.”
“I know you’re always thinking about the fans, but it’s not like you to care what others think. Maybe if you just honed in on what feels right for each person, the fans will feel it too?”
It was as if a light bulb had gone off in Massu’s head. “Yea! Jeez, I’ve really missed talking to you about these kinds of things. You really get me.”
Massu felt his cheeks flush red as he blushed at that blatant comment. If he had just a bit more courage, it probably would have been a nice segue into what he should have said. Nakamaru neither agreed or denied this. There was a lull in their conversation and nothing but the sound of Nakamaru’s shoes shifting on the tile was heard in the room.
“Well, I’m glad to be of help, but I should probably get going,” he said, heading towards the doors.
“Yea...” Massu replied, his heart pounding in his chest. You have to do this now, or you’ll never do it, Massu. Be brave. He heard Tegoshi’s voice echo in his head, surprisingly (and not at all), a voice of reason. Suddenly, the solution appeared so simple to him. Be brave. Don’t think about what’s going to happen (even if it was admittedly easier said than done), just do it. You won’t know what the future is until you’ve actually lived the present and to do that, he had to do something.
Nakamaru was about to head out when Massu seemingly leapt off the couch to stop him, grabbing the older man’s arm. He turned around looking a bit puzzled, but stepped back into the room.
“What is it?”
“Um,” Massu began. “I’m not sure how this is going to come out.” His heart seemed to be beating faster and faster, jumping higher and higher into his throat and he couldn’t continue, needing to catch his breath.
Nakamaru looked concerned. “What’s wrong?” He reached to grab the younger man’s elbow, trying to support some of his weight and moving them towards the couch to sit. Massu’s body was buzzing with electricity and tried his best to avoid eye contact with Nakamaru, afraid he would do something rash. The feel of his hand on his arm spread comforting warmth throughout his body.
Nakamaru kept his hold on Massu until he seemed to have calmed down, breathing slower and looking less pale.
“Hey, tell me what’s going on,” he implored.
“I don’t know where to begin,” Massu stuttered. Nakamaru was still sitting way too close for comfort, so he shifted a little bit on the couch.
Nakamaru followed Massu with his eyes as he shifted away from him, and his own forehead was beginning to crease in worry. This wasn’t the first time he had seen Massu this worried, but he was usually the one person he knew Massu could speak to comfortably. This stalling and stuttering was strange.
“Well, I guess from the beginning...” Nakamaru spoke, his own voice a little unsure.
Massu choked out a nervous laugh, realizing how obvious the answer was. Of course, from the beginning. He thought. But when would that be? When had these feelings started?
“Okay,” he took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Nakamaru was still looking at him concerned, but he could now stand to look at the older man without feeling like running for the door. “I think I’m just going to say it, because the longer I put it off, the more I’m going to freak out. But! You have to promise me that you won’t laugh at or hate me.”
“When have I ever laughed at you?” Nakamaru pointed out. “I didn’t laugh when you put all your clothes in color order in our hotel closet, or when you screamed when you had to touch that hamster. Why would I laugh now?” he smiled reassuringly. He was trying to lighten the tense atmosphere a little by joking, but he wasn’t sure it was really helping. It was just what he did. “And I’m not allowed to hate you. I think it’s in our contract.”
Massu quirked his head at this last statement. “Our contract? Wha -nevermind.” He shook his head, confused, but grateful that Nakamaru knew exactly what to say to help calm his nerves. Just like the time he needed coaching to get through that photoshoot. Just like the very beginning when they met in junior dance practice. And during times when he was so unsure of his future, of himself. Nakamaru was always there and it made what he was about to say so much more real.
With one deep breath, Massu said what he had known in his heart for some time but had no words to express. “I’m in love with you, Nakamaru Yuichi.”
Nakamaru had been listening so intently to every word that Massu had said to him up until this point that when Massu finally came out with what he seemed to have been trying to tell him this whole time he heard the words but somehow he didn’t quite take them in. He had gotten so used to the other stalling and leading things round in circles that he couldn’t quite believe it had finally come to this.
The concern in his eyes changed into confusion, and he stared at the other man, shifting back a little closer to him on the couch. “Wait,” he spoke, his eyes trying to read the other man’s. “What did you say?” This was the kind of situation where it was very easy to make a fool of yourself if you were wrong, and he didn’t want that to happen now, not with this.
Massu’s face flushed red again, and the fleeting eye contact he had managed to maintained flew out the window. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Come on, you said it once already, can’t you say it again?
“Yuichi,” he said, his voice almost pleading, pleading for him to get the message this time. “I’m in love with you.”
“Oh.” Nakamaru could have kicked himself for coming out with that response, but it was his first reaction. While he had been waiting for Massu to speak again he had been convincing himself in his mind that he had heard wrongly and that the other hadn’t really said what he thought he had. Now he had found out he had been completely right, he didn’t quite know how to handle it. He looked up and tried to meet Massu’s eyes, which was hard when the other was trying to avoid it, and he wondered what Massu would do if this was the other way round. Massu would react the same way he would, he was sure. They were more similar than most people knew.
“Well...” he spoke, and now he was the one who was tongue-tied. “Oh,” he said again, and his mind was desperately trying to look at this objectively but he couldn’t because somehow, this seemed completely natural.
Massu didn’t know what he expected out of this confession, but it certainly wasn’t this. From what he’s heard how confessions are supposed to go, perhaps he expected there would be outrage, disbelief, fear, or at least a few words in response, but not exactly this. He had been worried what Nakamaru would think of him, but the older man seemed to have accepted it quite plainly. But now the question was, how did Nakamaru feel about him?
After holding his breath for what seemed like a million years, Massu let it out, but instead of the usual sigh of relief, he started to laugh.
Nakamaru was expecting Massu to be mad at him for his very plain and short response to his confession, and so the laughter that came from Massu’s lips threw him off completely. The other man had seemed so serious and nervous before and now he was laughing. He knew that, on occasions, Massu would laugh with nervousness, but he thought that with something like this he would be able to hold back.
Then a thought struck him and he knew they were entertainers, actors, and he knew Massu was pretty good at that. “Wait... was that a joke?” he asked.
“Oh god,” Massu clasped his hands to his mouth and sat frozen next to Nakamaru, his face went completely serious. Nononono, this is not what I intended to happen! His eyes were no longer wandering, but stared directly at Nakamaru, like a doe caught in headlights. His mouth became dry and he searched for the right words to say. Dear god, I hope I didn’t mess this up.
He took another deep breath and the voice that came out was steady and even. “I’m sorry, let me try that again. I...hadn’t expected that from you, and I couldn’t control myself.” He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants, even more flustered. “Ugh,” he made a sound of disgust. “This is not how I imagined this going.” He lowered his head, now staring at his hands. He swallowed and tried again. “I’m in love with you, but I don’t know how you feel. So...I don’t know, tell me what you’re thinking,” Massu said, sounding desperate.
It isn’t a joke. At first, it was less of a relief to Nakamaru than he thought it would be. Because now he had to actually think about how he was feeling. He looked back at Massu with his desperate look and he knew he needed to give the other man an answer.Giving the wrong one wouldn’t do any of them any good.
Now, his own words were on the tip of his tongue just like Massu’s had been before, and he suddenly knew how he felt. “I don’t think -” he started, and then stopped to think over his words again. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” he finished. “I think its a good thing,” he nodded surely, and he realised that he was only telling the other how he felt about Massu’s confession, and not about how he felt himself, but that was a little harder. “I think that I -” he started to continue, and then he reached out and took one of the other’s hands. “Why were you so scared of telling me?”
Massu nearly jumped at the touch, but held still and looked into the other man’s eyes. He was glad that he hadn’t blown him off for laughing, and was kind of relieved that he seemed to be having trouble with words too. Was this a good sign or a bad sign? However, he thought it was a pretty sneaky move to turn the questioning back on him when he hadn’t yet received an answer. He went along with it anyway.
“Because...” Yes, that seemed like an appropriate reason. “Ya know, we’re best friends and it would be weird for me to...love you...like that.” That was the fourth time he had said ‘love’ now, and he wondered how many more times he would have to explain himself. It was getting easier to say it, but he wanted to know it wasn’t all in vain. “I was afraid you’d think I was crazy, be weirded out, and never want to speak to me again.” I guess I was afraid of losing you. He didn’t say this last part out loud, but it finally made sense as to why he had been avoiding it for so long.
“Who would I call when I wanted fashion or cooking advice if I could never speak to you again? I’d be a laughing stock in the street and I’d burn my kitchen down,” Nakamaru chuckled a little. It was easy to talk about their friendship, the things Massu helped him with, how hard it would be to cope without him. He could barely remember a time when they hadn’t been friends, and the thought of not having Massu in his life was too hard to even think about.
He went silent, hearing Massu telling him he loved him again and again in his head, and the more he heard it, the more he liked the sound of it. Suddenly it felt like he had always been saying it. Through all the things they had done together. The times they’d helped each other out, when they’d gone in trips together and laid in their beds beside each other talking non-stop into the middle of the night.
He reached out his spare hand, and took hold of Massu’s other one with it. And then he squeezed them tightly before letting go and gathering the other man into his arms. “You don’t ever have to be without me. Not ever,” he told him confidently, and he wondered if this hug told the other things he was still trying to put into words.
Massu nearly made an unattractive squeak upon being pulled into the hug, but held it in. He didn’t want to ruin this moment. He melted into the older man’s warmth, wondering why they hadn’t done this sooner. The beat of their hearts were steady, in rhythm with each other.
Of course Nakamaru knew exactly what to say and do to make everything alright. No words needed to be exchanged any further.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, until Massu reluctantly pulled away. His eyes were searching, even when he knew the answers. He wanted to know what should happen next, but he went with the safer route. Too much had happened in the past hour that he couldn’t handle much more excitement. “I guess you should head back to your dressing room now? But before you go,” he hesitated for a moment, giving Nakamaru’s hands a quick squeeze. “I’m really happy.”
Nakamaru felt very comfortable in the hug and didn’t want to pull back either, but he was glad that the other finally did because he really did need to be getting back.
“I really should go,” he told him apologetically as he squeezed his hand back. He wondered how he would get through the rest of the day waiting to speak to him again. “I’m glad you’re happy,” he told him, with a calm smile on his face. “I’m happy too. Will you be here when I finish?”
Massu’s own smile widened. “Yeah, I’ll be here.” He watched him walk towards the door, as he stayed seated on the couch, a little dumbfounded. He couldn’t help how giddy he was feeling. So this was what everyone fuses about, this thing called love. That was cheesy. But I don’t care.
He turned back to his sketchbook and stared at it for a couple minutes. “There’s no way I’m going to be able to concentrate on this right now.” He tossed it onto the table and started pacing around the room. Now panic was setting in. What was this going to mean for their friendship? Would it just go on as normal? How was he going to explain himself to his friends? What was KAT-TUN going to think? What if word gets out?
He stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. He placed a hand over his forehead, rubbing gently, trying to ease the pressure that was building in his head. Damnit, worry-wart. I’m doing that thing again. Calm down! He mentally berated himself.
Nakamaru laughed a little when he saw Massu rubbing his forehead, knowing that was a sign that the other had so many things in his head he felt he needed to rub some of them away. “Hey, you already did the hardest part, right? After this it’s all easy. Be brave,” he told him, and he knew Massu could do it. He was the bravest person he knew, after all.
He really needed to go. But his feet wouldn’t move.
Massu turned around to see Nakamaru still standing there and blushed. He knew he could always trust Nakamaru and if he thought it was going to be easy, then it would be okay. His feet moved as if it had a mind of its own and within seconds, he was pulling Nakamaru into another hug. Massu broke the silence after a few moments with a whisper. “I...really don’t want to let you go.” He smiled into the crook of Nakamaru’s neck, breathing his scent in, and then pulling back again. “Ok, I’ll see you later. For real this time.”
When the hug ended, Nakamaru chuckled a little when he heard what Massu said. “Well you can come with me, but you’d have to join KAT-TUN,” he told him. He went to step back a little, but there was one more thing he wanted to do before he left. He leaned forwards a little, and planted a light kiss on the other man’s lips. It was strange kissing Massu, yet somehow completely not strange at the same time.
He could still taste the other man’s lips as he turned round and gave him one last smile before he headed out of the room to return to his own work.
Massu watched as his best friend walked away, leaving him pleasantly shocked with what just happened. Even though the kiss was brief, It was amazing how their lips fit naturally together and how absolutely normal it felt doing it. If this was how it was going to be, Nakamaru was right, it would be easy. He could forget what the world had to say and be content living the way they were, without changing to suit anyone’s needs, just as they had began their friendship and careers trying to do so. And yes, it would take a lot of courage to face future challenges together, but if he had Nakamaru beside him, he felt like he could do anything.
<--- Part 1