Revelations 1/2(RPS Fic)

[paleogymnast]

Title: Revelations (1/2)
Fandom(s): SN/RPS
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki (J2)
Other Characters: Rachel Talalay; Mentions of Sandy McCoy
Genres: Angst, First Time
Warnings: Graphic M/M Sex, Swearing
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 8,659 for entire fic (posted in two parts due to size, link to 2nd part at end of 1st).
Disclaimer: I own nothing; Jared and Jensen own themselves. Doesn't reflect anyone's true sexual orientation.  Purely for entertainment purposes; no money is being made.
A/N: Thank you to engel82for both the original prompt and the beta!  Will be cross-posted!
Summary: While filming "Hunted," Jared has a secret of his own to tell...

So here they were doing probably the fifteenth take on this scene-Jared didn’t actually want to know which take it was, because if he thought about it he was going to lose his mind. It shouldn’t have been that hard. 
Dean and Sam just had to help each other up, Dean had to look at Sam, caringly, and then turn and deliver his line. But somehow, they couldn’t seem to get it to come together. First Jensen tripped. Then Jared lost his balance. Jensen laughed about Jared losing his balance. Jared laughed at himself-wanted to kick himself was more like it; he had no business losing his balance-and couldn’t stay in character. It just went on and on and on, and considering that Sam was supposed to be releasing Dean from the ropes that were keeping him bound to a chair, hostage of Gordon Walker… all that behavior was pretty damn inappropriate. So, they had to do it again, and it was killing Jared.

“…Take Seventeen!” The voice drifted through Jared’s mental haze and snapped him back to attention. So, it was seventeen takes now, he sighed audibly. This was ridiculous. He was a professional, and-at least he liked to think-a pretty good actor, getting better all the time. But standing this close to Jensen, having to look into his eyes, having his hands on his shoulders and body and neck, especially when combined with the desperation and emotion of the scene, was too much. Sure, Jared and Jensen had been acting in close contact in some very emotional scenes for a year and a half now, but normally the mask of being in character helped. Sam and Dean were brothers. They were close, but they weren’t in love; they weren’t infatuated with or lusting after each other. Jared drew on his own emotions, both his friendship with Jensen and his deep and ever-growing, err, romantic, attraction for his best friend from time to time, because there were definitely emotional undercurrents running through everything Sam and Dean did, which while maybe not romantic, had an intimacy that was similar enough. But this, today, wasn’t working.

And it happened again.  As they began the scene anew everything seemed OK, until they had to hold for a beat with Dean running his hands over Sam, checking him making sure he was OK, and Sam and Dean looking into each other’s eyes, so much unsaid but still spoken. It was too much for Jared, characters emotional vulnerability in this scene was so great that trying to tap into that to express it as Sam put Jared too close to the edge. He went from being in Sam’s head, acting, looking at Dean to just being stuck, speechless, forgetting where he was, what to do next; freezing, falling out of character and becoming Jared looking at Jensen-and hell if he couldn’t see Jensen breaking through looking confused, but also maybe seeing something there in his eyes.

“Cut!” Rachel, the director’s, voice snapped Jared out of his very awkward reverie.

“Jay, Jay, are you OK?” Jensen asked, his voice definitely heavy with concern and confusion. Spacing out on set, blacking out in the middle of a scene, that was not like Jared.

“Jared, are you feeling all right?” Rachel asked.

Jared found himself unable to answer. He didn’t know why he was reacting this way. Well, maybe he did, but he didn’t want to admit it. He’d been attracted to Jensen from the first time they met. He’d been slowly falling in love with Jensen ever since. But he’d always been able to keep it together, push it aside, hang on to the wonderful friendship he had with Jensen. But that was before… When he and Sandy were still really a couple. They had broken up three months before, when Sandy finally confronted him about his feelings for Jensen. She’d known that Jared was bi, it wasn’t a secret, and yeah, she knew that if not for the prying eyes of Hollywood, Jared would probably date more men than women. But Jared and Sandy had had a real relationship-a real chance at being very long-term-he’d tried for that, valued it, and really deeply cared about Sandy. Jared had definitely never tried to or wanted to fall for Jensen the way he had, but still he did. Sandy finally said that she felt like they were both cheating each other-her holding Jared away from something he really wanted, and Jared not really dedicating himself, giving himself, to the relationship. Jared thought it was mighty generous of Sandy to say that, since he was pretty sure the failure of that relationship was all on him. He had pointed out that Jensen was straight, so it was pretty pointless-it wasn’t like he could actually act on his feelings, anyway-but Sandy had insisted, said that whatever happened, Jared needed to deal with his feelings for Jensen, and that was never going to happen if he was in a relationship with Sandy. She even offered to give Jared cover for a while-still be his date at red carpet events, at least until she wound up in a relationship with someone else. Sandy was a good friend, and Jared was very, very grateful for that.

So, they had broken up, and every day since it had gotten harder to just be Jensen’s best friend. It was as if the freedom Jared gained by not being tied to Sandy, the release of the burden of monogamy and fidelity, was an invitation to his body to just express what he really felt. It was no longer easy, or even bearable, to be close to Jensen without wanting more. And physical contact was agony. Where before Jared had enjoyed and reveled in the intimacy of their friendship-the ability to touch, give pats on the back, hug, and sit close-now, that same contact was taunting and torturous. Instead of it being enough, being as far as he could take the relationship, it served as a reminder of how much more Jared wanted to have. Jared had found it hard to stop his hands from wandering into inappropriate territory, and when they hugged, he found himself straining to prevent Jensen from feeling his arousal, which was now ever-present whenever he was in the same room with Jensen.

About a month ago, they’d gotten a little too close for too long at a network party, and Jared was sure Jensen must have felt his hard-on through his slacks. Since then Jared had been pulling away, not wanting to risk that kind of contact again, especially in a situation where his excitement couldn’t be easily blamed on sugar, alcohol, and the presence of Sandy (who had, true to her word, accompanied Jared to the party). But Jensen had noticed Jared pulling away. Jensen hadn’t been big on contact when they’d first met, being kind of shy and reserved and liking to keep a bubble of personal space. However, after over a year of having Jared the clingy puppy dog hanging off of him, bumping into him, patting, draping, practically cuddling and mauling him at all times, Jensen had gotten very used to the contact, and now seemed to genuinely miss it. Jared didn’t want Jensen to think that there was something wrong with their friendship, didn’t want Jensen to think that Jared was mad at him, but he also didn’t know how not to put that space there. The last thing Jared wanted to do was hurt Jensen or make him feel uncomfortable, and he was scared to death that would be what he ended up doing. Jared needed time to think-an opportunity to decide what to do-and filming this scene, over and over, staring into Jensen’s eyes, feeling Jensen’s hands on his shoulders… it was too much.

“Jared!” Jensen’s voice cut through the fog in Jared’s mind. He realized he was standing there silent, still having not answered their questions.

“Umm,” he started.

“Are you OK?” Rachel was asking again, sounding thoroughly rattled now, seriously concerned for her actor’s well being rather than annoyed at his repeated flubbing of the scene.

“I’m, I… Can I just take five?” Jared asked sheepishly, embarrassed at his unprofessional behavior.

“I think-“ Jensen began but was cut off.

“Why don’t we just call it for tonight?” Rachel said looking at her watch. It was only 8 pm. They were supposed to shoot for an additional two hours-a mercifully early evening under normal circumstances- to finish the rest of the camera setups for this scene (which, at this rate, would be a miracle).

Jared was about to protest, but Jensen interrupted. “I think that’s a great idea. That way Jared can get some rest, get his head in the game,” he looked warily at Jared, genuine concern and fear showing in his eyes. “I could use some rest too,” he added.

“Good,” Rachel replied, “I hate to lose the time but, really, Jared, are you sure you don’t need to see a doctor or something?”

Jared shook his head. “I’ll be OK.”

“Just get some rest then. I need you ready and alert at call tomorrow,” she paused and Jared started to turn away. “Hey, Jared!”

“Yeah,” he said turning.

“Seriously, if there’s anything really wrong, please take care of it. You’ve been off all day, and we can’t afford to have you out of it tomorrow. Whatever you need to do, just deal with it, please.” Rachel’s voice was serious and concerned.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired, need some time to think. I’ll be fine tomorrow,” Jared added. Hoping that he was telling the truth, he took a deep breath and headed towards his trailer, muttering “goodnight”s and “see ya”s to the crew as he passed. He just wanted to get his costume off, wash off the effects makeup, and get the hell home. After that, he had no clue what he was going to do, but it probably involved a workout and a marathon date with his right hand. He didn’t know what he was going to tell Jensen. But he would have to do something so that he could function. Somehow he had to move past his feelings.  Maybe it meant coming clean and telling Jensen how he felt, even if that might jeopardize their friendship. At least then he’d have closure, he’d have that definite, final rejection, something to put an end to the “what if” fantasy that played in his mind every time he was near Jensen. And if Jensen didn’t want him around as a friend, well then at least the physical space Jared needed would be mutual, and he wouldn’t be sulking around feeling like he was hurting his best friend without his knowing why.

Jared hoped it really wouldn’t come to that, but this also wasn’t the first time he’d fallen for a straight friend. In the past, it hadn’t gone well. And yeah, Jensen did know Jared was bi, but it’s one thing to know that your best friend is attracted to men, but it’s really something else to find out that your best friend is attracted to you, let alone that they’re in love with you. Jared had kind of hoped he could avoid ever having to tell Jensen, but he’d always known that wasn’t realistic. Yeah, if they wound up hating each other it could totally wreck their on-screen chemistry and hurt the show, but then again, it’s not like this was working either. They were professionals; they could work it out. Jared was grown up enough to realize that you have to work with what life throws at you. He could pine away for the perfect “what if” that would never happen, or he could try to get the best possible solution out of what he actually had to work with. If Jensen was going to hate him or if Jared was going to get his heart broken, there was nothing he could do about it. The facts wouldn’t change. All Jared was really doing was delaying the inevitable.

Still, he wished he could have delayed it some more so that he wasn’t in the middle of a huge episode when it happened. “Hunted” was supposed to be the episode that would draw the fans back in after the Christmas hiatus, and it was the episode in which Dean revealed the big secret to Sam. Well, maybe it was fitting that now was the time Jared was going to reveal his big secret to Jensen.

“Hey, wait up!” Jared heard Jensen’s voice calling after him. He hesitated but kept on walking. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t heard Jensen. Jared just needed a little more space, couldn’t deal with this right now.

“Hey,” Jensen said, panting slightly having run to catch up with Jared. “Didn’t you hear me? Are you sure you’re OK, man?” He reached out and put a hand on Jared’s shoulder trying to pull Jared around to face him.

Jared instinctively flinched and pulled away before realizing what he was doing. He stopped and turned to see the pained and confused expression in Jensen’s eyes.

Jensen looked conflicted, multiple emotions rolling across his features before he settled on something to say. “Are you OK?” he repeated again.

“Just tired,” Jared said with a sigh.

“Really, Jay, be honest with me, something’s wrong. You’re just not yourself lately, and I’m worried about you. I’m your friend; you know you can talk to me, right?” Jensen said, his voice cracking, not quite hiding the hurt he was feeling.

Jared shook his head. “I’m just tired. Gotta think about some stuff.” He started to turn away.

“Jay, please, I get it if you don’t want to talk to me. I mean, I’ll be honest and say I don’t really have a fucking clue what’s going on, but it’s been clear for a while now that things aren’t OK between us…” Jensen let his voice trail off and seemed to be struggling with what to say next. “But just… I mean… if you’re pissed at me or something, can we just try to put it aside and not hurt the show?”

“It’s not that…” Jared started. “I’m not mad at you.” I’m falling in love with you, he wanted to add, but didn’t.

“Oh, OK, then.” Jensen sounded relatively unconvinced and if possible, more confused.

“I broke up with Sandy.” Jared wanted to clamp his hand over his mouth, but the words were already out. He felt color rising to his cheeks and ears at the same time he felt like all the blood was draining from his body in panic.

“Jesus! When? Man, I had no idea. I’m so sorry!” Jensen exclaimed, again raising his hand to stroke Jared’s shoulder lightly. It was a comforting gesture, and Jared was feeling just naked and off-balance enough to allow himself to lean into it slightly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, just letting the feeling of Jensen touching him wash over him, but just for a moment. He opened his eyes and met Jensen’s worried gaze with a pained half-smile.

“It happened a while ago,” Jared said with a shrug. “I guess it’s just really hitting me now.” He let out a long sigh. “I’m gonna go shower and go home, get some rest like Rachel said.” He moved to step away from Jensen to head back towards his trailer.

“Wait, are you sure you don’t want to talk? I mean, you and Sandy were together for a long time, and you guys were serious, and well,” Jensen chuckled, “you do realize we only play Sam and Dean on TV. It is OK to talk about this if you want to, or do you just not want to talk about it with me-“

“No!” Jared said, wanting to stop Jensen’s train of thought. He never wanted Jensen to feel like somehow he was to blame. “No, it’s not that. I just don’t want to talk right now, not here. Um,” he took a moment to consider what he wanted to say. “Do you maybe wanna come by later. Stop by my hotel? Maybe I’ll feel more up to talking then?”

“Sure,” Jensen looked relieved that he wasn’t being shut out. “I’ll see you around ten?”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Jared answered before continuing on to his trailer. He didn’t stop or look back, or even breathe properly until he was safely inside.

As soon as the door was shut he was leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. What the hell was I thinking? he wondered taking his head in his hands and running his fingers through his hair. Well, looked like he’d made his choice. Whether he was ready to or not, he was going to tell Jensen tonight. Whatever happened, happened. At least once it was out there he’d be able to move on, get out of this suffocating holding pattern he’d found himself stuck in for the last year and a half.

“Why, why, why, why, why, you fucking idiot!” Jared muttered aloud, punctuating each word with a slam of his head back against the door. Then he started laughing hysterically at the mess he’d gotten himself into. “Well, Padalecki,” he murmured, “you got yourself into this mess, you’re just gonna have to be a man and get yourself out.” He groaned, not wanting to think about the state of his mental health with him sitting here, on the floor, in his trailer, talking to himself and literally beating himself up. Sighing, he rose and headed over to the bathroom, carefully stripping of bits of costume as he went. Maybe once he was clean and had removed all traces of Sam, he’d feel a little more sane and a little less lost.

***

There was no way Jared would ever admit to it, but since arriving home a little after nine, he’d spent the remainder of the hour alternating between pacing back and forth in the living room and sitting forlornly at the couch, all the while staring at the clock. He couldn’t quite make up his mind if he wanted the minutes to pass faster or slower; if he was worried that Jensen wouldn’t show, or scared that he would; if he was dreading coming clean, or desperate to get it over with. Harley and Sadie were staying out of his way, not quite sure what to make of their normally playful master. Jared was still stuck in his internal debate, half way between sitting and standing, when he heard the knock at the door. 10:01 pm. Jensen was pretty damn punctual, that meant he was really worried.

“Hey,” Jared sighed nervously, opening the door.

“Can I come in?” Jensen asked, a hint of amusement creeping into his voice.

“What? Oh, uh yeah?” Jared replied, realizing he was blocking the door and stepping out of the way.

Jensen walked into the penthouse looking somewhat sheepish. “So, you wanna talk, or maybe have a beer or?”

“Oh yeah, beer sounds good,” Jared stammered. God, he felt like an idiot. Why was this so awkward, it wasn’t like Jensen hadn’t been over to Jared’s place pretty much every other day since “Supernatural” had started filming.

The dogs came tearing around the corner, out of the kitchen and into the entry way to greet Jensen, effectively cutting off Jared’s awkward contemplation. “I’ll go get beers,” he announced heading towards the kitchen as Jensen kneeled down take off his shoes and pet the dogs.

“Uh, living room?” Jensen called after him.

“Sure, we can talk there,” Jared called back. “Oh, yeah, just make yourself comfortable,” he added, again wondering why this felt so formal and strained. He knew what he was going to tell Jensen, but there was no way that Jensen had any clue, right? So why was Jensen acting all weird. Probably because you’ve been pushing him away for the last month, idiot, and he doesn’t know where he stands. Jared mentally smacked himself and walked to the living room to join Jensen, beers in hand.

***

“So,” Jensen started a few minutes later. They’d just been sitting on the couch, drinking their beers in silence. “When did you and Sandy break up?”

“Uh, about three months ago,” Jared croaked out.

“Three, three months?” Jensen responded in confusion. “But I saw you with her at the CW party, and that was like one month ago!” he continued incredulously.

“Yeah,” Jared acknowledged.

“So, what the hell? And why didn’t you say anything?” again, the hurt tone was creeping into Jensen’s voice. “You know I wouldn’t say anything to the press or any-“

“No Jen, it’s not like that, I wasn’t keeping you in the dark because I thought you’d go blabbing to the paparazzi. I just didn’t know what I wanted to do or say, I wasn’t sure…” Jared took a long swallow of his beer, downing about half the bottle before putting it down on the coffee table. He let out a small chuckle. “She broke up with me.”

“Why?” Jensen asked confusion evident.

“She knew I had feelings for someone else. I told her I was never going to act on them, that it was impossible, never going to happen, but she said that it didn’t matter, I needed to work that stuff out, and it wasn’t going to happen if I was in a relationship with her. She said we were both being unfair to each other,” Jared said very matter-of-factly, bringing his eyes up to meet Jensen’s.

“So, if she broke up with you, then why the hell were you two at the party together?”

“We’re still friends, and that was part of her deal, as long as she’s not with someone, she’ll still go to red carpet events and stuff with me,” Jared answered.

“Why? I mean what if you and this other person did hit it-Oh,” Jensen said, realization striking him. Jared noticed a few other emotions pass across Jensen’s face. “It’s a guy.”

Jared nodded meekly.

“So, are you going to do anything? Are, are you seeing him? Is that what’s stressing you out? What’s making this come up now? Did something happen, I mean, because three months is a long time, and I had no clue… except maybe the last month or so.” Jensen was rambling now, talking half to himself, and Jared felt bad for making his best friend so confused. It had to hurt that he’d kept his break up with Sandy from Jensen for so long. Jensen was his best friend, and Jared felt like an idiot for not confiding in him, but given the circumstances…

“No, no, like I said, it’s a one-way thing. I have feelings for the guy, but there’s no chance of anything… Sandy just didn’t think I’d work it out of my system if we stayed together. I’m really sorry, man, for not telling you about the breakup; if it makes you feel any better, I haven’t told anyone, not even my mom,” Jared added.

“You’re sure there’s no chance? I mean did you talk to this guy and get rejected? Is that what-“

“He’s straight.”

“Does he know how you feel?” Jensen asked, softly.

“Not yet,” Jared replied.

“But why, I mean if there’s really no hope for you acting on this… attraction, then why did Sandy-“

“Because I’m in love with him,” Jared admitted letting out a long sigh.

“Oh,” Jensen said, his eyes wide, realization dawning on him.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Jared picked up his beer again and finished it, not even tasting it, just swallowing, trying to think of what to do next. He’d gotten this much out, now he just had to go the rest of the way and tell Jensen that he was the guy. It would probably end badly, but the sooner he said it, the sooner this awful torn feeling, this waiting, hanging, twisted, nauseous, lost feeling would be over. And Jared was already feeling numb enough-having preemptively worked through so many horrible rejection scenarios in his head, maybe it wouldn’t hurt that much more. He was starting to think that anything was better than the way he was feeling now. His call wasn’t until six the next morning. If they got this over with by eleven, OK, it could get really ugly, so midnight maybe, then Jared could have another beer or maybe puke-he wasn’t quite sure which he’d be up for-or maybe just stay collapsed here on the couch and cry himself to sleep with the dogs to keep him company. Yeah, it sounded pretty pathetic and kind of girlish, but he’d been hanging onto these feelings for Jensen for so long, that he was going to have to break down when it was over. Jared briefly entertained the idea of just stopping, not saying anything more, letting Jensen think the guy was someone else, but then there would still be the matter of touching and being around Jensen and how it was making Jared feel, and Jensen would want to know what the fuck was going on with their friendship, so, yeah, there wasn’t really any practical way around telling him everything.

Jensen seemed lost in thought too, because he didn’t move or talk or do much of anything but stare at the beer bottle in his hands, picking absentmindedly at the label. As Jared tried to draw up the courage to say the awful words that were probably going to bring an end to their friendship-or at least dramatically alter it-he noticed that Jensen seemed to be struggling to find the words to say something as well.

“Jen-“ Jared started.

“A month-“ Jensen said at the same time.

Jared nodded, deciding to let Jensen speak first.

“Um, a month ago at the network party. Did something happen? Because ever since then I’ve felt like you were puling away from me, and I just want to make sure that things between us are OK? I mean, Jay, you’re normally like a big human blanket, and lately you finch if I even touch you. I just, is there something wrong between us? Is it related to your breakup or…” Jensen just stopped speaking gesturing slightly with his hands, as if unsure of how to finish that thought.

Jared really didn’t know what to say. That was the one question he really didn’t want to answer, because the answer would give everything away. Still, every moment he wasn’t talking, he was just making it worse.

“It’s,” he began, but as he spoke, he saw something flash behind Jensen’s eyes, and the next thing he knew, Jensen was moving towards him, wrapping his arms around him, one of his hands settling in Jared’s hair, the other at the small of his back, pulling Jared close, and then Jensen’s lips were on his, just lightly brushing at first, then opening, Jensen’s tongue caressing Jared’s lips and parting them, seeking entrance. Hesitant at first, but then bolder, pushing into Jared’s mouth and exploring, tasting… Jared was kissing back without realizing it, his tongue tangling with Jensen’s, dancing, chasing, then thrusting out beyond his lips to caress Jensen’s and then in Jensen’s mouth, and it struck him: Oh my god, I’m kissing Jensen! First, it was excitement and elation and Jared was pleasantly shocked. Then he thought, Oh my god, I’m kissing Jensen, and he’s straight, and my best friend, and I’m in love with him, and I was going to tell him, and shit, this must be a joke, or he’s mocking me, and this is going to go even worse than I thought. Unable to stop the negative train of thought, Jared started to pull back. Jensen resisted, but Jared brought his hands up, pushing his friend away.

continued...