Unwanted Affection 2/2
Title:Unwanted Affection 2/2
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama (I promise you a happy ending though!)
Paring: GRI
Summary: Jiyong just never knew when to stop with the fanservice. He even went so far as to confess his love. Geez, inconvenient!
A/N: The conclusion to my little fic.
Part One~*~ Part Two
Sorry about the switching of the POV. I tried to make it a little easier to understand by putting a little ~S~ above Seungri’s POV and a ~J~ above Ji’s POV. Let me know if you see errors!
Hope you enjoy!
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
~S~
When Jiyong stood more than three steps away, he always had a sudden thought to be two steps closer. That should have been a clue, but he shook it off quickly enough.
When Jiyong watched TV with his head rested in his palm and hair hanging over his eyes, he resisted the urge to brush it away. Which, did not in any way mean anything other than that he wanted the leader to be able to see clearly. Absolutely nothing to do with the fetching way his back curved or the way his stomach did a little flip whenever he smiled absent mindedly at the program.
When Jiyong took off all the makeup and fancy clothes and slithered into sweatpants and an oversized tee shirt he held back the desire to snuggle up next to him and listen to the music he couldn’t stop humming. He couldn’t even pretend that it wasn’t something that blazed in him to do so.
He should have known he was lost. But Seungri didn’t just give in so easily.
~*~
~S~
They were walking out of some boring interview where they would probably cut 90% of what was said and only include clips of Youngbae smiling or Seunghyun saying how much he liked a certain type of girl. It was how it always happened. No matter the disparaging remarks Jiyong threw in at the drop of a hat, the interview would just smile and turn to someone else with an inane question about their favorite season.
Seungri nearly was unable to crush the urge to grab the older man to his chest and strangle out the world in an attempt to console him. To prove that not everyone cared so little about what he thought of politics or the current state of the music market.
“He’s quite intriguing, isn’t he?” A voice lilted from his left and pulled him from his reverie of the leader. He glanced to see the interviewer staring after Jiyong with a perplexed look on her painted face.
“Someone that says exactly what they think? Such a rarity in this business where idols are trained from childhood to hide every little frown with a smile that could light up a stadium.”
And Seungri knew she was right.
He did it. Youngbae did it. Daesung did it. Hell everyone he knew did it.
But Jiyong? He frowned when he damn well felt like it. When he was tired, he didn’t bother with his hair or his makeup and just sat deadly still during the interviews. When they became too dull he would reach across Daesung and run his hand up and down his arm. Sometimes he would turn and grin at Seungri like he was the center of the universe and that seemed to help.
Seungri still didn’t know who it helped more.
He nodded at the interviewer and turned to follow his group to the next tedious interview, when she grabbed his arm.
“That boy is lost.”
Then she walked away like it was nothing. Like she hadn’t just said something that was none of her damn business or potentially fatal to his career. But, somehow, it didn’t make anything other than concern bubble in him.
She was right. And he knew exactly who it was up to the fix him.
Damn it.
~*~
~J~
Jiyong was never the one to be the weakest link. He worked hard and tried his very best to be a leader everyone could look up to. So when an eager boy with dark circles showed up and starting smiling at everyone and everything he just ignored him. He would be gone soon enough.
Of course he couldn’t have known how confident (sometimes baselessly) and determined he would be. He took getting cut as a challenge to overcome. He soaked in criticism and used it to make himself better. Every harsh word he threw at the younger boy only served to make him stronger. He really wished he would have been able to see it coming, but it was such a slow, sure thing that he wouldn’t have been able to stop it if he’d tried.
He didn’t know the day or the moment, but one day he grinned at Seungri during an interview and found himself utterly smitten. The way the boy grinned back made him feel so sure that he felt the same way. He didn’t even speak up until they were snuggled together on his bed one lazy day.
It was like breathing to admit how much he loved him. It shouldn’t have broken his heart so much to see the shocked look and hear the angry tone from his panda. Seungri actually didn’t love him back?
It shook everything he knew.
He tried so hard to keep it together but he found everything turned to black and gray with out such a basic truth he had depended on since he had debuted.
Jiyong loved Seungri and Seungri loved Jiyong.
That was how it was supposed to be. But still the boy rejected him in the most subtle way he could.
He just never replied.
Jiyong knew better than to hope for something that would not come. Youngbae tried to tell him to just wait and that the maknae was confused, but every day that passed was another that sealed his fate.
Seungri really didn’t love him back.
~*~
~J~
They all waited in the van for the maknae to follow. Jiyong gazed out the window listlessly and wondered how many more times he would be forced to answer what his idea type of woman was. Like it mattered?
He smirked to himself. How scandalized would the interviewer be if he answered that his ideal woman had short hair, dark circles and a cock?
He let himself bask in the idea of her gaping face while the van idled.
“Where is Seungri? Doesn’t he know we have three more interviews to get to?” The manager tried to keep a professional face but Jiyong could see his leg jiggling in nervousness. He was obviously not used to such a stringent schedule.
“Who cares?” He muttered. Four shocked faces turned to him. Oops, said that one out loud, huh?
“Hyung, are you feeling ok?” Daesung touched his arm in concern while Youngbae tried to calm the manager down. “You look pretty tired.”
“It’s ok, Dae. I’ll be ok.” Daesung didn’t look convinced and narrowed his eyes. Seungri came lumbering into the van just as he looked like he was about to press the issue further.
“Sorry guys. The interviewer had a quick question she needed to ask.” He muttered before sliding into the seat next to him.
“What kind of a question?” Jiyong found himself asking. What type of a question couldn’t she ask in front of everyone else? She wasn’t exactly on his list of favorite people after ignoring him the whole time in favor of Daesung’s smiles and Youngbae telling stories about how he’s never dated. God forbid he have a thought that wasn’t pre-printed and screened.
“Nothing important.” He blushed and everyone noticed.
“I bet she asked him out.” Seunghyun’s voice called from the back. Seungri blushed deeper and immediately began to deny the accusation.
It pulled at his heart but he maintained a calm face. Seungri could do what he wanted. It wasn’t like he belonged to him or anything.
“Hyung, I swear it wasn’t like that.” It took him a moment to realized that Seungri wasn’t talking to the rest of the van. He was talking to him.
“It’s ok, maknae. You can do what you want.” He quickly turned back to the window to show his disinterest. Inside his heart thumped so violently he thought it would rattle his ribs. Of course it would happen one day. Seungri was becoming a man. It wasn’t like he was the only one to notice. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend that one confession would keep him from living his life.
The van filled with noise as Seunghyun baited Daesung into a contest of who could imitate the president the best. He felt Seungri’s eyes on him, but held strong and did not return the gaze. It wouldn’t help. Seungri had made his choice. Whether he said it out or not, Jiyong got his reply loud and clear.
Not you.
He watched the city speed past him and tried hard to let go.
He couldn’t keep him forever.
~*~
~J~
Seungri stood in his door way and would not move. After their daily interviews the boy had followed him from room to room with out a word. Jiyong would have told him to leave him be, but dreaded the inevitable talk that would follow. He knew what the boy was going to say, and there was just no way he was going to force that out of him if he didn’t have to.
Slowly he folded his clothes and laid them properly back in place. Seungri followed every motion with his eyes. As soon as he had finished he turned to find the boy all the way inside his room with an expectant look.
No. Please not now. It’s too much for one day.
“Hyung…” Seungri took a step forward just as he took one back.
“Please don’t.” Jiyong tried his hardest to not betray the torrent raging in his head.
“Just hear me out.” His eyes were wide and damn him, but he knew exactly what to do to make him cave. “Please?”
Defeated, he sighed and sank down onto the bed. Seungri took that as a sign to continue and closed the door.
“When you first told me, I knew what you wanted to me to say back. But, the thought of being like that with you was so scary that I ran. I know it wasn’t mature or right, but I didn’t know what else to do. I hadn’t ever thought of you that way. You were just Jiyong. My group-mate and my favorite hyung.”
Jiyong closed his eyes. Didn’t the boy know that when letting someone down it was best to not rub it in their face how unbelievable impossible it was?
“I didn’t think you would take it so hard but the more I saw you fade the more I realized that it couldn’t be just something you confessed on a whim. You must really love me.”
The bed sank next to him and he felt a soft touch on his hand.
“The more I thought about it the more I knew exactly what I needed to do.”
And suddenly he was struck with exactly what Seungri was doing. He wasn’t rejecting him. He wasn’t letting him down gently.
He was going to be with him. Not out of love or desire. But out of complacency and pity. The idea of a life time of moments with someone who didn’t even want him was so repulsive that he shot off the bed. Seungri sat earnestly still. A smile crept onto his face and Jiyong felt sick.
No. Not this way.
“I know what I want now.” He sounded so sure of himself that Jiyong almost believed him. He could almost pretend that the boy actually loved him back.
The dream alone almost shook him from what he knew he needed to do. He lowered his eyes and tried so hard to not back down.
“I-I can’t.” Damn that boy and his ability to make everything around him shake an shudder in his wake.
“What? Why not?” The voice betrayed his countenance. He knew Seungri would have hated to be brought to a such a level. He always had control of his voice and his facial cues. Always.
“You don’t really want this, Seungri. I know you don’t.” The boy stood and tried to reach Jiyong. He looked up with eyes like stone and Seungri stopped where he was.
“Now you’re scared?” He whispered with wide eyes.
“I’m not scared.” They both knew he was lying. He rolled his head and started again. “Fine, I’m fucking terrified. Because the second I let you answer is the second I’ll fall for you. And I know I’ll never love anymore more than you for the rest of my life. I just don’t think you’re ready for that.”
“Wha-” Seungri looked on perplexed and a little crushed. “How can you just change your mind?”
“I don’t know what I thought was going to happen.” Jiyong scoffed to himself despairingly. “I must have been out of my mind. I just had this fairytale picture of you looking up and smiling at me and then the rest of our lives together. I guess I didn’t think our love would be anything other than epic. So stupid.”
“You can’t possibly know what it will be if you don‘t give it a chance.” Jiyong shook his head in finality.
“I know you think what your doing is good, but trust me, Seungri. It’s just a disaster waiting to happen.”
When he walked away with his head hung low in disappointment, Seungri couldn’t even summon up the energy to run after him.
Well, that was that, I guess…
~*~
~S~
They were whispering.
“Sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you hope.”
“Jiyong come on. That’s so pathetic.”
“Fuck you.”
“Look, you can’t just ask him to be with you one day and then turn around and deny him the next.”
“He doesn’t really want to be with me, hyung. He just thinks he does.”
“Why don’t you let him decide that for himself.”
“What’s the point? It was stupid of me to tell him. I should have just kept it to myself.”
“Then where would you be? Pouting in your room?”
“Probably. But at least everything would feel normal. Instead of this whole mess.”
“The only thing making it a mess is you, Ji. And you know it.”
One of them must have walked away because all he heard was shaky breathing. He turned back down the hall when a shaky breath broke the silence and make him pause.
“Incomplete…”
Jiyong’s voice broke his heart. He knew exactly how he felt.
~*~
~S~
The morning broke through his haze and almost made him smile. At least that was something that never changed. Birds chirped outside his window and he thought how lucky the little bastards were. They never had to deal with drama like love and band mates that didn’t know what was good for them. They just chirped away with that damn happy song.
He wanted to shove them off their perch, but that seemed too mean. It wasn’t their fault that Jiyong was an idiot.
How could he switch from confessing to being the one who rejected him? What kind of world was that? He ran a hand through his ruffled hair. Since when had his life become like a TV drama? He didn’t sign up for this.
A soft knock came at his door reminding him that he was supposed to be waking up for their numerous schedules that day.
A sigh forced its way out of his body. Another day of speaking the same phrases in a foreign tongue. He liked to pretend he would really say what he meant some day.
‘Yes, I love Japan. I’m really got a hold of the language now.’ would come out as ‘Japan was fine a year ago when we first got here, but now I really miss home.’
When he said ‘Hello, this is the maknae from Big Bang, Seungri!’ he would be silently holding in ‘But I also like to read, cook and build with Lego’s. I’m interested in current events and I love to make people smile. I am so much more than the image you see.’
And, ‘Jiyong is such a good leader. He always treats us really well.’ would really mean ‘Jiyong is great, when he’s not in the middle of writing a new hit song, or planning an event, or dealing with lawsuits, or trying to keep up the image of ‘G-Dragon’ for everyone. He’s thoughtful and caring to all of us, but never lets anyone take care of him.’
Of course, he would never say those things. Because he loved his fans and he loved Big Bang.
He shoved himself out of bed and padded to the overflowing closet. He barely glanced at what he chose. Jiyong would change it all anyways. The plain white tee and black jeans combo always seemed to look fine until the leader forced his way into the room and claimed that he was so lucky to have such a fashion-forward hyung, because he was just “hopeless, Seungri-ah.”
“Whatever.” He didn’t mean for his tone to sound so vicious, but the look he received made him regret it instantly.
“Whatever?“ Oh shit. It was too early in the morning to deal with Leader!Jiyong. “Our image is important, Seungri. It’s what people see first when they look at us. Do you think they care if I can rap or you can dance if you come to an interview looking like you just rolled out of bed?”
His voice was firm, and despite the question, they both knew he didn’t expect or require an answer. Seungri desperately wanted to break the tense moment, but he didn’t think in their current situation, Jiyong would be receptive to his jokes or smiles. So, he did the only other thing he was used to in stressful situations. He opened his mouth and said something he really shouldn’t have.
“I know you wish it didn’t matter.” And there it was. It had flown out of his mouth like a bat out of hell. He imagined it as a black cloud that floated over and landed on the stressed leader. Just another burden to add to his rapidly growing pile. His eyes widened, but he kept his composure. Seungri envied his control in that way. No matter the things flung at him, he just stood tall and took them with the horrible ease that years of practice had taught him.
“I wish for a lot of things, Seungri. Doesn’t mean I deserve them.” And then he was gone. Seungri glanced down at the outfit laid out for him. It was perfect, as usual. A classic mix of hip hop style and manly urban. He dressed silently and when he gazed at himself in the mirror, he smiled at Jiyong’s creation.
Seungri, thought of the only other thing he wished so badly he could say.
When the interview inevitably asked ‘If you were a girl, which member of Big Bang would you date?’ He really wished he could just answer with out having to add another lie to the list of his faults. He really wished he could just say what he honest to god thought.
‘I would choose Jiyong. Not G-Dragon, or Kwon Leadja. Just boring Kwon Jiyong, with all his flaws and quirks. Because then he’s all mine.’
~*~
~J~
The sun was setting and he didn’t think there could be anything more beautifully dreadful as the day turning to dusk. A breeze blew the bangs into his face, but he kept staring straight ahead. He knew if he moved even an inch, the moment would be broken. There were so few moments where he could just sit and stare and he alone.
Just Jiyong.
He smiled and pulled his hidden chocolate bar from the front of his comfy sweatshirt. It had taken stealth to keep such a delectable sweet from the rest of the group, but he had managed. Sure, he felt a little guilty at keeping it all for himself, but hey, he was the leader. That was supposed to come with perks, right?
Besides, secret chocolate was the best. He had just unwrapped his prize when the door to his room was flung open. Quickly, he hid the bar behind his back and tried to lick the drool from his lips. Youngbae rolled his eyes at the door and crossed the room quickly.
“I don’t want any of your secret chocolate, Jiyong.”
How did he know about-?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He probably should have held in the amount of defensiveness, but the intensity in his friend’s eyes frightened him a little. He had worked so hard for that chocolate…
Youngbae ignored his lie and pulled him to his feet.
“Whatever, I don’t have time to play this game. It’s time to go.”
All thoughts of chocolate and alone time were smashed when he was forcibly dragged down the hall and into a slightly crowded living room. Everyone looked up at his entrance with unconcerned eyes. They all looked dreary in black and downcast expressions.
“What’s going on?” Panic had started to ebb at the sight of all of his friends and coworkers gathered together in his living room. He looked to Youngbae, but he was already across the room talking quietly to Seunghyun. He took stock of everyone an noticed that only one person was missing.
Seungri.
“This is so lame.” A voice came from his side. He glanced to see Cherin looking bored and nursing a glass of something clear that was definitely not water. He rose an eye brow at her. “I don’t know why we all have to come here and gawk. It’s not going to change anything.”
He got the feeling that he had missed out on something very large. Her eyes looked red and puffy, but she held her head high. She was remarkably plainly dressed in a plain black skirt and cardigan. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and she looked so…unlike the Cherin he knew that he took a step back from her. She continued speaking as if he hadn’t moved.
“I just feel so horrible for Seungri. He's taking it really hard...” her voice faded and he found himself nearing a less crowded corner of the room. Daesung sat perfectly still with his nice suit and knees together. His head stayed bowed and his hands lay palms down on his thighs. If it weren’t for the choking sobs every few second, he would have sworn he was sleeping.
He found the concern he should have felt for his friend did not come over him. Instead, he stood near him and watched as tears dripped down his face onto his hands. No one in the room walked over to comfort him, but he could see Seunghyun hovering near by. As if his presence was the only solace he could provide in his own grief.
Wait, grief?
He turned back to the group and finally noticed that no one was smiling. No one was laughing. No one was talking in anything louder than a murmur. Youngbae patted someone on the back and then turned back to him; Seeming to notice him for the first time since he had forcibly extracted him from his room.
“It’s time.” His voice was dark and dense and so comforting. He found himself nodding and followed as he took them into a separate room off to the side. There was a moment where he tried to remember if there had been a room there before, but it was all washed away when he saw his maknae.
Standing in front of a body laid so perfectly in a coffin.
His body.
Seungri's hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled in the way that tossing and turning for night upon night would give. His hands trembled as he grasped the side of the dark wood, too frightened to hold the hand of the body inside. As if actually touching him would make it real.
No, wait, this wasn’t right.
Youngbae walked over to Seungri and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. Immediately, the boy’s composure broke and he dropped his head into his hands. Sobs carried across the room in desperate gasps.
“Stop doing this to me.” His voice pulled so viciously at his heart that he stumbled forward. “Stop it Jiyong!”
He stopped in his tracks just inches from his love and dropped his eyes to the boy in the coffin. His skin was so pale and his eyes so empty that it was a wonder how Seungri had managed to stand near it for so long.
Never in his life had he imagined he would have to stand next to his own body and watch everyone in his world break around him.
Seungri turned towards him and his eyes were so red and lackluster that he cried out at their absence of life. The boy smiled a crushed little grin and touched his cheek so softly he swore he would sob at the very lightness.
“Ri? What are you doing?” His eyes looked so far away as he stared at every inch of his face. Gently, he took his hand back and stepped back. He glanced down at the coffin and blinked tiredly. He gripped the frame once more before closing his eyes to it.
“Nothing.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Just letting go.”
A pain like nothing in his life struck him solidly in the chest. He stumbled backwards at it’s pounding. The air around him filled with sudden noise and he found himself fading away from the sight of his love breaking. He opened his mouth to scream out to him, but nothing came forth. Just ragged gasps and whimpers. He clawed at the power pulling him away and tried to keep his panic at bay.
No, he could not leave him. He wasn’t ready. It wasn’t time!
The picture faded into white completely.
~*~
~S~
He could hear gasping from Jiyong’s room long before he knew it was morning. Listless, he glanced out the window. It was overcast and gloomy. The perfect day for everything to fall apart.
His body felt heavy as he stumbled down the hall. The gasping got louder and he could hear the sound of limbs hitting the mattress. He prayed silently that he wouldn’t open the door to find some slut with her legs in the air, biting her lip to keep from calling out the leaders name.
He shuddered at the very thought.
Instead, he found a flailing Jiyong with tears streaming down his face and a tortured expression. His body couldn’t move fast enough to stop his thrashing. The limbs clawed at him with the madness of a man in hell. His mouth opened an closed in a wrenching attempt to cry out. Seungri found his own throat close up at the quiet screams; so intensely loud in his brain.
“…not time…”
“Please!”
“...I’m sor-”
Seungri closed his eyes at the needy whimpers that broke out of his throat. There was nothing so horrible as watching someone shake and plead to be released from the hell of a nightmare. He shook him gently, with quiet whispers in his ear.
“Shh, its fine. Everything’s fine. Wake up Jiyong.”
He stilled, but his eyes remained closed and rapid. Seungri pulled his weary body close and lay down on the soft bed. His fingers stroked through the unruly strands of his new haircut. Gently, he lay his head down next to Jiyong. He clutched him tighter when his breath came in short gasps that rattled his chest.
Softer than he thought himself capable of, he splayed his hand across the heart of the only one he hoped to hold. His lips found home in the shell of Jiyong’s ear. A shudder broke through the comfort and he knew he needed to pull him back. Back where he belonged.
He breathed across his skin.
“Jiyong, come back to me.”
~*~
~J~
There was something calling to him. It was soft at first and did little ebb the panic gripping his heart. He felt like he was falling down a long shaft where the walls were just close enough to scrape his fingertips the whole way down, but far enough away that he couldn’t dig in to stop his free fall. It wasn’t dark like he thought falling would be.
Bursts of light shot though and blinded him so all he could see was white. Something pushed his scrabbling arms to his sides and a wave of comfort crashed over him. He stilled so whatever it was wouldn’t leave. A soft murmur invaded his rampant thoughts.
“…fine. Everythin….up Jiyo…”
His head hurt with trying to hold onto the voice. It came though in garbled chunks and he knew it must be a trap. He threw up his arm to test his ability to move and found an even tighter hold overcome him. The light was slowly fading and he knew once it was gone, there was nothing else.
His heart raced. There was something missing. Something just on the tip of his tongue. Someone he was supposed to meet, maybe? Or somewhere he was supposed to be?
“Jiyong, come back to me.”
It was like a sonic boom invading the white noise that had been deafening. His eyes shot open and a soft light filtered into his vision. Dark eyes peered back at him and he knew there was no where else in the world he would rather be than exactly here.
Jiyong’s breath caught in his throat and he curled instinctively into Seungri. The boy sighed happily and pulled him close.
“Hyung, it was all a dream.” His voice was soothing, but the words were not. It had not just been a dream. It was a vision of the future. He might not die young, but he was so close to throwing his every bit of happiness away for fear.
He clutched the boy and breathed in his comforting scent.
“Stay with me.” He weighted the words and hoped against everything that the boy would understand. Seungri’s breath stopped for a moment before he let his body relax into the sheets. His warm laugh sunk directly into his stomach and spread wonderfully though his limbs.
“Of course.” A gentle kiss was laid atop his head and if he hadn’t been so groggy from the vision of his downfall or the tantalizing way the boy was cuddling him, he would have smacked him for treating him like a child.
He could feel him smile into his hair and surprisingly that washed away everything else. There was only this moment. This boy. This feeling of…complete.
That was all that mattered.
A comfortable silence dropped over them and he snuggled his hard won prize. Seungri only tolerated it for a moment before he squirmed in his grasp and leaned over him with a confused gaze.
“So…does this mean we’re dating now?”
He flicked the boy on the nose and chuckled. Seungri pouted before dropping back down to hide his face at the full blown laugh emanating from him.
Well, at least he would have hundreds of thousands of days to teach the maknae subtlety.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama (I promise you a happy ending though!)
Paring: GRI
Summary: Jiyong just never knew when to stop with the fanservice. He even went so far as to confess his love. Geez, inconvenient!
A/N: The conclusion to my little fic.
Part One~*~ Part Two
Sorry about the switching of the POV. I tried to make it a little easier to understand by putting a little ~S~ above Seungri’s POV and a ~J~ above Ji’s POV. Let me know if you see errors!
Hope you enjoy!
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
~S~
When Jiyong stood more than three steps away, he always had a sudden thought to be two steps closer. That should have been a clue, but he shook it off quickly enough.
When Jiyong watched TV with his head rested in his palm and hair hanging over his eyes, he resisted the urge to brush it away. Which, did not in any way mean anything other than that he wanted the leader to be able to see clearly. Absolutely nothing to do with the fetching way his back curved or the way his stomach did a little flip whenever he smiled absent mindedly at the program.
When Jiyong took off all the makeup and fancy clothes and slithered into sweatpants and an oversized tee shirt he held back the desire to snuggle up next to him and listen to the music he couldn’t stop humming. He couldn’t even pretend that it wasn’t something that blazed in him to do so.
He should have known he was lost. But Seungri didn’t just give in so easily.
~*~
~S~
They were walking out of some boring interview where they would probably cut 90% of what was said and only include clips of Youngbae smiling or Seunghyun saying how much he liked a certain type of girl. It was how it always happened. No matter the disparaging remarks Jiyong threw in at the drop of a hat, the interview would just smile and turn to someone else with an inane question about their favorite season.
Seungri nearly was unable to crush the urge to grab the older man to his chest and strangle out the world in an attempt to console him. To prove that not everyone cared so little about what he thought of politics or the current state of the music market.
“He’s quite intriguing, isn’t he?” A voice lilted from his left and pulled him from his reverie of the leader. He glanced to see the interviewer staring after Jiyong with a perplexed look on her painted face.
“Someone that says exactly what they think? Such a rarity in this business where idols are trained from childhood to hide every little frown with a smile that could light up a stadium.”
And Seungri knew she was right.
He did it. Youngbae did it. Daesung did it. Hell everyone he knew did it.
But Jiyong? He frowned when he damn well felt like it. When he was tired, he didn’t bother with his hair or his makeup and just sat deadly still during the interviews. When they became too dull he would reach across Daesung and run his hand up and down his arm. Sometimes he would turn and grin at Seungri like he was the center of the universe and that seemed to help.
Seungri still didn’t know who it helped more.
He nodded at the interviewer and turned to follow his group to the next tedious interview, when she grabbed his arm.
“That boy is lost.”
Then she walked away like it was nothing. Like she hadn’t just said something that was none of her damn business or potentially fatal to his career. But, somehow, it didn’t make anything other than concern bubble in him.
She was right. And he knew exactly who it was up to the fix him.
Damn it.
~*~
~J~
Jiyong was never the one to be the weakest link. He worked hard and tried his very best to be a leader everyone could look up to. So when an eager boy with dark circles showed up and starting smiling at everyone and everything he just ignored him. He would be gone soon enough.
Of course he couldn’t have known how confident (sometimes baselessly) and determined he would be. He took getting cut as a challenge to overcome. He soaked in criticism and used it to make himself better. Every harsh word he threw at the younger boy only served to make him stronger. He really wished he would have been able to see it coming, but it was such a slow, sure thing that he wouldn’t have been able to stop it if he’d tried.
He didn’t know the day or the moment, but one day he grinned at Seungri during an interview and found himself utterly smitten. The way the boy grinned back made him feel so sure that he felt the same way. He didn’t even speak up until they were snuggled together on his bed one lazy day.
It was like breathing to admit how much he loved him. It shouldn’t have broken his heart so much to see the shocked look and hear the angry tone from his panda. Seungri actually didn’t love him back?
It shook everything he knew.
He tried so hard to keep it together but he found everything turned to black and gray with out such a basic truth he had depended on since he had debuted.
Jiyong loved Seungri and Seungri loved Jiyong.
That was how it was supposed to be. But still the boy rejected him in the most subtle way he could.
He just never replied.
Jiyong knew better than to hope for something that would not come. Youngbae tried to tell him to just wait and that the maknae was confused, but every day that passed was another that sealed his fate.
Seungri really didn’t love him back.
~*~
~J~
They all waited in the van for the maknae to follow. Jiyong gazed out the window listlessly and wondered how many more times he would be forced to answer what his idea type of woman was. Like it mattered?
He smirked to himself. How scandalized would the interviewer be if he answered that his ideal woman had short hair, dark circles and a cock?
He let himself bask in the idea of her gaping face while the van idled.
“Where is Seungri? Doesn’t he know we have three more interviews to get to?” The manager tried to keep a professional face but Jiyong could see his leg jiggling in nervousness. He was obviously not used to such a stringent schedule.
“Who cares?” He muttered. Four shocked faces turned to him. Oops, said that one out loud, huh?
“Hyung, are you feeling ok?” Daesung touched his arm in concern while Youngbae tried to calm the manager down. “You look pretty tired.”
“It’s ok, Dae. I’ll be ok.” Daesung didn’t look convinced and narrowed his eyes. Seungri came lumbering into the van just as he looked like he was about to press the issue further.
“Sorry guys. The interviewer had a quick question she needed to ask.” He muttered before sliding into the seat next to him.
“What kind of a question?” Jiyong found himself asking. What type of a question couldn’t she ask in front of everyone else? She wasn’t exactly on his list of favorite people after ignoring him the whole time in favor of Daesung’s smiles and Youngbae telling stories about how he’s never dated. God forbid he have a thought that wasn’t pre-printed and screened.
“Nothing important.” He blushed and everyone noticed.
“I bet she asked him out.” Seunghyun’s voice called from the back. Seungri blushed deeper and immediately began to deny the accusation.
It pulled at his heart but he maintained a calm face. Seungri could do what he wanted. It wasn’t like he belonged to him or anything.
“Hyung, I swear it wasn’t like that.” It took him a moment to realized that Seungri wasn’t talking to the rest of the van. He was talking to him.
“It’s ok, maknae. You can do what you want.” He quickly turned back to the window to show his disinterest. Inside his heart thumped so violently he thought it would rattle his ribs. Of course it would happen one day. Seungri was becoming a man. It wasn’t like he was the only one to notice. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend that one confession would keep him from living his life.
The van filled with noise as Seunghyun baited Daesung into a contest of who could imitate the president the best. He felt Seungri’s eyes on him, but held strong and did not return the gaze. It wouldn’t help. Seungri had made his choice. Whether he said it out or not, Jiyong got his reply loud and clear.
Not you.
He watched the city speed past him and tried hard to let go.
He couldn’t keep him forever.
~*~
~J~
Seungri stood in his door way and would not move. After their daily interviews the boy had followed him from room to room with out a word. Jiyong would have told him to leave him be, but dreaded the inevitable talk that would follow. He knew what the boy was going to say, and there was just no way he was going to force that out of him if he didn’t have to.
Slowly he folded his clothes and laid them properly back in place. Seungri followed every motion with his eyes. As soon as he had finished he turned to find the boy all the way inside his room with an expectant look.
No. Please not now. It’s too much for one day.
“Hyung…” Seungri took a step forward just as he took one back.
“Please don’t.” Jiyong tried his hardest to not betray the torrent raging in his head.
“Just hear me out.” His eyes were wide and damn him, but he knew exactly what to do to make him cave. “Please?”
Defeated, he sighed and sank down onto the bed. Seungri took that as a sign to continue and closed the door.
“When you first told me, I knew what you wanted to me to say back. But, the thought of being like that with you was so scary that I ran. I know it wasn’t mature or right, but I didn’t know what else to do. I hadn’t ever thought of you that way. You were just Jiyong. My group-mate and my favorite hyung.”
Jiyong closed his eyes. Didn’t the boy know that when letting someone down it was best to not rub it in their face how unbelievable impossible it was?
“I didn’t think you would take it so hard but the more I saw you fade the more I realized that it couldn’t be just something you confessed on a whim. You must really love me.”
The bed sank next to him and he felt a soft touch on his hand.
“The more I thought about it the more I knew exactly what I needed to do.”
And suddenly he was struck with exactly what Seungri was doing. He wasn’t rejecting him. He wasn’t letting him down gently.
He was going to be with him. Not out of love or desire. But out of complacency and pity. The idea of a life time of moments with someone who didn’t even want him was so repulsive that he shot off the bed. Seungri sat earnestly still. A smile crept onto his face and Jiyong felt sick.
No. Not this way.
“I know what I want now.” He sounded so sure of himself that Jiyong almost believed him. He could almost pretend that the boy actually loved him back.
The dream alone almost shook him from what he knew he needed to do. He lowered his eyes and tried so hard to not back down.
“I-I can’t.” Damn that boy and his ability to make everything around him shake an shudder in his wake.
“What? Why not?” The voice betrayed his countenance. He knew Seungri would have hated to be brought to a such a level. He always had control of his voice and his facial cues. Always.
“You don’t really want this, Seungri. I know you don’t.” The boy stood and tried to reach Jiyong. He looked up with eyes like stone and Seungri stopped where he was.
“Now you’re scared?” He whispered with wide eyes.
“I’m not scared.” They both knew he was lying. He rolled his head and started again. “Fine, I’m fucking terrified. Because the second I let you answer is the second I’ll fall for you. And I know I’ll never love anymore more than you for the rest of my life. I just don’t think you’re ready for that.”
“Wha-” Seungri looked on perplexed and a little crushed. “How can you just change your mind?”
“I don’t know what I thought was going to happen.” Jiyong scoffed to himself despairingly. “I must have been out of my mind. I just had this fairytale picture of you looking up and smiling at me and then the rest of our lives together. I guess I didn’t think our love would be anything other than epic. So stupid.”
“You can’t possibly know what it will be if you don‘t give it a chance.” Jiyong shook his head in finality.
“I know you think what your doing is good, but trust me, Seungri. It’s just a disaster waiting to happen.”
When he walked away with his head hung low in disappointment, Seungri couldn’t even summon up the energy to run after him.
Well, that was that, I guess…
~*~
~S~
They were whispering.
“Sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way you hope.”
“Jiyong come on. That’s so pathetic.”
“Fuck you.”
“Look, you can’t just ask him to be with you one day and then turn around and deny him the next.”
“He doesn’t really want to be with me, hyung. He just thinks he does.”
“Why don’t you let him decide that for himself.”
“What’s the point? It was stupid of me to tell him. I should have just kept it to myself.”
“Then where would you be? Pouting in your room?”
“Probably. But at least everything would feel normal. Instead of this whole mess.”
“The only thing making it a mess is you, Ji. And you know it.”
One of them must have walked away because all he heard was shaky breathing. He turned back down the hall when a shaky breath broke the silence and make him pause.
“Incomplete…”
Jiyong’s voice broke his heart. He knew exactly how he felt.
~*~
~S~
The morning broke through his haze and almost made him smile. At least that was something that never changed. Birds chirped outside his window and he thought how lucky the little bastards were. They never had to deal with drama like love and band mates that didn’t know what was good for them. They just chirped away with that damn happy song.
He wanted to shove them off their perch, but that seemed too mean. It wasn’t their fault that Jiyong was an idiot.
How could he switch from confessing to being the one who rejected him? What kind of world was that? He ran a hand through his ruffled hair. Since when had his life become like a TV drama? He didn’t sign up for this.
A soft knock came at his door reminding him that he was supposed to be waking up for their numerous schedules that day.
A sigh forced its way out of his body. Another day of speaking the same phrases in a foreign tongue. He liked to pretend he would really say what he meant some day.
‘Yes, I love Japan. I’m really got a hold of the language now.’ would come out as ‘Japan was fine a year ago when we first got here, but now I really miss home.’
When he said ‘Hello, this is the maknae from Big Bang, Seungri!’ he would be silently holding in ‘But I also like to read, cook and build with Lego’s. I’m interested in current events and I love to make people smile. I am so much more than the image you see.’
And, ‘Jiyong is such a good leader. He always treats us really well.’ would really mean ‘Jiyong is great, when he’s not in the middle of writing a new hit song, or planning an event, or dealing with lawsuits, or trying to keep up the image of ‘G-Dragon’ for everyone. He’s thoughtful and caring to all of us, but never lets anyone take care of him.’
Of course, he would never say those things. Because he loved his fans and he loved Big Bang.
He shoved himself out of bed and padded to the overflowing closet. He barely glanced at what he chose. Jiyong would change it all anyways. The plain white tee and black jeans combo always seemed to look fine until the leader forced his way into the room and claimed that he was so lucky to have such a fashion-forward hyung, because he was just “hopeless, Seungri-ah.”
“Whatever.” He didn’t mean for his tone to sound so vicious, but the look he received made him regret it instantly.
“Whatever?“ Oh shit. It was too early in the morning to deal with Leader!Jiyong. “Our image is important, Seungri. It’s what people see first when they look at us. Do you think they care if I can rap or you can dance if you come to an interview looking like you just rolled out of bed?”
His voice was firm, and despite the question, they both knew he didn’t expect or require an answer. Seungri desperately wanted to break the tense moment, but he didn’t think in their current situation, Jiyong would be receptive to his jokes or smiles. So, he did the only other thing he was used to in stressful situations. He opened his mouth and said something he really shouldn’t have.
“I know you wish it didn’t matter.” And there it was. It had flown out of his mouth like a bat out of hell. He imagined it as a black cloud that floated over and landed on the stressed leader. Just another burden to add to his rapidly growing pile. His eyes widened, but he kept his composure. Seungri envied his control in that way. No matter the things flung at him, he just stood tall and took them with the horrible ease that years of practice had taught him.
“I wish for a lot of things, Seungri. Doesn’t mean I deserve them.” And then he was gone. Seungri glanced down at the outfit laid out for him. It was perfect, as usual. A classic mix of hip hop style and manly urban. He dressed silently and when he gazed at himself in the mirror, he smiled at Jiyong’s creation.
Seungri, thought of the only other thing he wished so badly he could say.
When the interview inevitably asked ‘If you were a girl, which member of Big Bang would you date?’ He really wished he could just answer with out having to add another lie to the list of his faults. He really wished he could just say what he honest to god thought.
‘I would choose Jiyong. Not G-Dragon, or Kwon Leadja. Just boring Kwon Jiyong, with all his flaws and quirks. Because then he’s all mine.’
~*~
~J~
The sun was setting and he didn’t think there could be anything more beautifully dreadful as the day turning to dusk. A breeze blew the bangs into his face, but he kept staring straight ahead. He knew if he moved even an inch, the moment would be broken. There were so few moments where he could just sit and stare and he alone.
Just Jiyong.
He smiled and pulled his hidden chocolate bar from the front of his comfy sweatshirt. It had taken stealth to keep such a delectable sweet from the rest of the group, but he had managed. Sure, he felt a little guilty at keeping it all for himself, but hey, he was the leader. That was supposed to come with perks, right?
Besides, secret chocolate was the best. He had just unwrapped his prize when the door to his room was flung open. Quickly, he hid the bar behind his back and tried to lick the drool from his lips. Youngbae rolled his eyes at the door and crossed the room quickly.
“I don’t want any of your secret chocolate, Jiyong.”
How did he know about-?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He probably should have held in the amount of defensiveness, but the intensity in his friend’s eyes frightened him a little. He had worked so hard for that chocolate…
Youngbae ignored his lie and pulled him to his feet.
“Whatever, I don’t have time to play this game. It’s time to go.”
All thoughts of chocolate and alone time were smashed when he was forcibly dragged down the hall and into a slightly crowded living room. Everyone looked up at his entrance with unconcerned eyes. They all looked dreary in black and downcast expressions.
“What’s going on?” Panic had started to ebb at the sight of all of his friends and coworkers gathered together in his living room. He looked to Youngbae, but he was already across the room talking quietly to Seunghyun. He took stock of everyone an noticed that only one person was missing.
Seungri.
“This is so lame.” A voice came from his side. He glanced to see Cherin looking bored and nursing a glass of something clear that was definitely not water. He rose an eye brow at her. “I don’t know why we all have to come here and gawk. It’s not going to change anything.”
He got the feeling that he had missed out on something very large. Her eyes looked red and puffy, but she held her head high. She was remarkably plainly dressed in a plain black skirt and cardigan. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and she looked so…unlike the Cherin he knew that he took a step back from her. She continued speaking as if he hadn’t moved.
“I just feel so horrible for Seungri. He's taking it really hard...” her voice faded and he found himself nearing a less crowded corner of the room. Daesung sat perfectly still with his nice suit and knees together. His head stayed bowed and his hands lay palms down on his thighs. If it weren’t for the choking sobs every few second, he would have sworn he was sleeping.
He found the concern he should have felt for his friend did not come over him. Instead, he stood near him and watched as tears dripped down his face onto his hands. No one in the room walked over to comfort him, but he could see Seunghyun hovering near by. As if his presence was the only solace he could provide in his own grief.
Wait, grief?
He turned back to the group and finally noticed that no one was smiling. No one was laughing. No one was talking in anything louder than a murmur. Youngbae patted someone on the back and then turned back to him; Seeming to notice him for the first time since he had forcibly extracted him from his room.
“It’s time.” His voice was dark and dense and so comforting. He found himself nodding and followed as he took them into a separate room off to the side. There was a moment where he tried to remember if there had been a room there before, but it was all washed away when he saw his maknae.
Standing in front of a body laid so perfectly in a coffin.
His body.
Seungri's hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled in the way that tossing and turning for night upon night would give. His hands trembled as he grasped the side of the dark wood, too frightened to hold the hand of the body inside. As if actually touching him would make it real.
No, wait, this wasn’t right.
Youngbae walked over to Seungri and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. Immediately, the boy’s composure broke and he dropped his head into his hands. Sobs carried across the room in desperate gasps.
“Stop doing this to me.” His voice pulled so viciously at his heart that he stumbled forward. “Stop it Jiyong!”
He stopped in his tracks just inches from his love and dropped his eyes to the boy in the coffin. His skin was so pale and his eyes so empty that it was a wonder how Seungri had managed to stand near it for so long.
Never in his life had he imagined he would have to stand next to his own body and watch everyone in his world break around him.
Seungri turned towards him and his eyes were so red and lackluster that he cried out at their absence of life. The boy smiled a crushed little grin and touched his cheek so softly he swore he would sob at the very lightness.
“Ri? What are you doing?” His eyes looked so far away as he stared at every inch of his face. Gently, he took his hand back and stepped back. He glanced down at the coffin and blinked tiredly. He gripped the frame once more before closing his eyes to it.
“Nothing.” His voice was barely a whisper. “Just letting go.”
A pain like nothing in his life struck him solidly in the chest. He stumbled backwards at it’s pounding. The air around him filled with sudden noise and he found himself fading away from the sight of his love breaking. He opened his mouth to scream out to him, but nothing came forth. Just ragged gasps and whimpers. He clawed at the power pulling him away and tried to keep his panic at bay.
No, he could not leave him. He wasn’t ready. It wasn’t time!
The picture faded into white completely.
~*~
~S~
He could hear gasping from Jiyong’s room long before he knew it was morning. Listless, he glanced out the window. It was overcast and gloomy. The perfect day for everything to fall apart.
His body felt heavy as he stumbled down the hall. The gasping got louder and he could hear the sound of limbs hitting the mattress. He prayed silently that he wouldn’t open the door to find some slut with her legs in the air, biting her lip to keep from calling out the leaders name.
He shuddered at the very thought.
Instead, he found a flailing Jiyong with tears streaming down his face and a tortured expression. His body couldn’t move fast enough to stop his thrashing. The limbs clawed at him with the madness of a man in hell. His mouth opened an closed in a wrenching attempt to cry out. Seungri found his own throat close up at the quiet screams; so intensely loud in his brain.
“…not time…”
“Please!”
“...I’m sor-”
Seungri closed his eyes at the needy whimpers that broke out of his throat. There was nothing so horrible as watching someone shake and plead to be released from the hell of a nightmare. He shook him gently, with quiet whispers in his ear.
“Shh, its fine. Everything’s fine. Wake up Jiyong.”
He stilled, but his eyes remained closed and rapid. Seungri pulled his weary body close and lay down on the soft bed. His fingers stroked through the unruly strands of his new haircut. Gently, he lay his head down next to Jiyong. He clutched him tighter when his breath came in short gasps that rattled his chest.
Softer than he thought himself capable of, he splayed his hand across the heart of the only one he hoped to hold. His lips found home in the shell of Jiyong’s ear. A shudder broke through the comfort and he knew he needed to pull him back. Back where he belonged.
He breathed across his skin.
“Jiyong, come back to me.”
~*~
~J~
There was something calling to him. It was soft at first and did little ebb the panic gripping his heart. He felt like he was falling down a long shaft where the walls were just close enough to scrape his fingertips the whole way down, but far enough away that he couldn’t dig in to stop his free fall. It wasn’t dark like he thought falling would be.
Bursts of light shot though and blinded him so all he could see was white. Something pushed his scrabbling arms to his sides and a wave of comfort crashed over him. He stilled so whatever it was wouldn’t leave. A soft murmur invaded his rampant thoughts.
“…fine. Everythin….up Jiyo…”
His head hurt with trying to hold onto the voice. It came though in garbled chunks and he knew it must be a trap. He threw up his arm to test his ability to move and found an even tighter hold overcome him. The light was slowly fading and he knew once it was gone, there was nothing else.
His heart raced. There was something missing. Something just on the tip of his tongue. Someone he was supposed to meet, maybe? Or somewhere he was supposed to be?
“Jiyong, come back to me.”
It was like a sonic boom invading the white noise that had been deafening. His eyes shot open and a soft light filtered into his vision. Dark eyes peered back at him and he knew there was no where else in the world he would rather be than exactly here.
Jiyong’s breath caught in his throat and he curled instinctively into Seungri. The boy sighed happily and pulled him close.
“Hyung, it was all a dream.” His voice was soothing, but the words were not. It had not just been a dream. It was a vision of the future. He might not die young, but he was so close to throwing his every bit of happiness away for fear.
He clutched the boy and breathed in his comforting scent.
“Stay with me.” He weighted the words and hoped against everything that the boy would understand. Seungri’s breath stopped for a moment before he let his body relax into the sheets. His warm laugh sunk directly into his stomach and spread wonderfully though his limbs.
“Of course.” A gentle kiss was laid atop his head and if he hadn’t been so groggy from the vision of his downfall or the tantalizing way the boy was cuddling him, he would have smacked him for treating him like a child.
He could feel him smile into his hair and surprisingly that washed away everything else. There was only this moment. This boy. This feeling of…complete.
That was all that mattered.
A comfortable silence dropped over them and he snuggled his hard won prize. Seungri only tolerated it for a moment before he squirmed in his grasp and leaned over him with a confused gaze.
“So…does this mean we’re dating now?”
He flicked the boy on the nose and chuckled. Seungri pouted before dropping back down to hide his face at the full blown laugh emanating from him.
Well, at least he would have hundreds of thousands of days to teach the maknae subtlety.