Today it's my turn to die [Chapter 1 / ?]

[mariposa02]

Chapter 1: First Life

I listened to that song while I wrote most of the chapter.

There’s a building lot where there used to be a small, pretty park. Some rich family bought the ground and thought it would be great to build a hotel there. Why not? It’s not like humans need trees so that they can breathe.

Jessica’s boss sent her to the building lot to do some interviews, the whole issue seems to be a hot topic and he wants the article by tomorrow.

Jessica considers herself as a good journalist. She’s not really one of the best, or the most famous, but she does pretty well. She has a sharp sense and ways to make people talk. She knows a lot and she has the necessary connections.

Maybe her blonde, soft hair, pale skin, slim figure, red lips and small nose are kind of a help too, but she likes to ignore that fact.

She also likes to ignore the stares she gets from the building lot’s workers and the fact that her boss probably only send her there, because she’ll probably be the only one to get a lot of information out of disgusting, old and sexually frustrated men.

She’s not really happy with what she has to do, but she can at least try her best. So she throws her hair back, shakes her hips and puts the best smile she can muster (not too bright, but also innocent with a tint of underlying meaning).

She is standing in the middle of the building lot now, scribbling down what the workers say. It’s nothing interesting, really, but she has probably squeezed more facts out of them than any other journalist could have and that makes her proud.

The workers continue blabbering and Jessica skilfully avoids questions for dates or personal information. A few minutes later they leave and tell her to wait where she is standing until their chief is there.

Jessica sighs and runs a hand through her long hair. She should cut it.

She shifts from one foot to the other, crosses her arms, uncrosses them, turns a few times and then crosses her arms again. She hates waiting.

Her eyes scan over the ground, maybe there’s something interesting, but no there’s not.

She turns a little bit again and then spots a single bush that’s left from the park. It’s a blackberry bush and Jessica walks closer to observe it, with a slight scowl on her face. If they’re taking the park down they should rip everything out and not leave a single poor bush there. Jessica takes a step back again and eyes the bush critically, until she notices there is something sticking out from under it.

It makes her curious and Jessica takes a swift look around, sees no one approaching or watching her and ducks down. She takes hold of what seems to be a wooden box and digs a little bit of dirt around it away until the box comes free. Jessica inspects it and decides to take it with her for further investigation, maybe then she’ll have something to do. She puts it into her bag and stands up again, dusts her coat off and decided to ignore the dirt under her fingernails.

Just a few seconds later the construction crew’s chief comes and shakes hands with Jessica, fake smile on his face (Jessica knows because this guy is famous for hating journalists) and leads her to his office.

***

Kibum is five when there is this new kid in his kindergarten. Kibum doesn’t really care, he doesn’t like kindergarten anyway, but there seems to be something great about the new boy. He is small and has chubby cheeks and those big, brown eyes, filled with innocence not a lot of kids have anymore. His smile is wide and in his whole appearance he could not be described as anything but cute.

The kindergartener noonas are fussing over him and all the other girls too, even Sulli the kindergarten’s prettiest girl who has really high standarts. The boys don’t like him just because the girls do and Kibum wonders sometimes if all that attention is good for the small boy.

It’s one evening when most kids are already picked up by their parents and Kibum just quickly has to go pee before he drives home with his mom too.

Kibum is just about to go wash his hands in the empty bathroom when he hears small whimpers coming from the last toilet cubicle. Kibum gets curious and even if he is a little bit scared he still goes to the cubicle and slowly peeks in.

There is the boy sitting on the closed toilet lit, head buried between his knees. He is crying, that much Kibum can tell by the sobbing and wailing coming from the boy. His tiny body is shaking with sobs and his hiccups sound heart breaking.

Kibum slowly steps forward until he can pat his small hands on the black mop of hair, peeking out between the boy’s tiny legs.

The boy jumps at the touch and his head snaps up, wide, red eyes staring at Kibum. The boy looks startled for a moment but the Kibum smiles reassuringly at him and he relaxes.

Then he cries again and clings onto Kibum’s slightly bigger frame. Kibum shushes him with his hands stroking the other boy’s back. It takes a few minutes, but the boy eventually calms down. Kibum releases him and he sniffs a few times, rubs the tears away and then frowns at Kibum, who looks at him a bit worriedly.

“I was not crying.” He says as if it wasn’t totally obvious that he had been crying, but Kibum just nods and smiles again.

“Okay.”

But the boy clings to Kibum again, his head buried in the older boy’s chest.

“What’s wrong?” Kibum asks and the boy hiccups again.

“The bad hyung said that I looked like a girl and I’m sure my mommy doesn’t want to have a son like that so I’m afraid to go out.” He gasps out as he rubs his chubby hands over his eyes.

Kibum takes the boy’s hands away and smiles at him.

“The bad hyung is just jealous okay? You are a lot better than him and I think your mommy thinks like that too.” He says and the boy immediately starts smiling, all tears and sadness forgotten as he holds his chubby hands out to Kibum.

“I’m Taemin. You are Kibum right?” he says and Kibum nods, takes the small hand between his two and shakes them.

“You seem nicer than those bad hyungs. I want to be your friend okay?” Taemin says as he grips Kibum’s right hand and jumps down from the toilet.

“Don’t you have the girls to play with?”

Taemin scrunches his nose and shakes his head.

“Girls are too girly.” He says and Kibum has to laugh a little bit.

Taemin starts playing with Kibum from that day on and the other boys stop bothering him because Kibum is older than most of them and the girls stop fussing over him because they think Kibum is scary, but Taemin is just fine with that.

Kibum is not scary at all; he is the nicest person Taemin has ever met, he always takes care of Taemin and plays with him and helps him wherever he can.

They grow close, closer than close, like brothers or more and Kibum thinks that Taemin is the best that has ever happened in his life.

It’s just about one year later that the friendship between Kibum and Taemin also develops between their parents and when the house next to Kibum’s gets free the Taemin family decides to move in next to them.

Kibum is so excited that he waits in front of the door for a whole two hours until Taemin’s family arrives and when they do he is screaming and laughing and giggling, just because he is so happy.

Taemin and Kibum call each other neighbour for a whole week and every time they do, they explode into a fit of laughter.

Kibum thinks that his life couldn’t be more perfect, he is just so incredibly happy that he asks his mother sometimes if she could stop time for him. His mother just shakes her head and laughs at him, saying ‘Kibummie, stopping time is not as great as you think it is’, if only Kibum would have known how true that was.

There is one time when Kibum is seven and Taemin is five, the younger boy sleeps over at Kibum’s and they decide to build a cave out of cushions that is just for the two of them.

No one beside themselves is allowed to go inside or allowed to know what they do inside. It’s small and stuffy but also really, really comfortable and Kibum and Taemin are cuddled inside, giggling from time to time, just because they think it’s funny.

Kibum is pressed against Taemin’s small back, relishing in the feeling of warmth against his stomach. Taemin suddenly turns around and for a moment Kibum just has hair in his face, but then Taemin looks up at Kibum and grins. Kibum smiles back and runs a hand through Taemin’s soft hair.

“My mommy told me that if you like someone a lot, lot, lot, then you should kiss that person.” Taemin says with sparkling eyes. Kibum cooks his head and frowns.

“And who is that person you want to kiss?” he asks and Taemin’s face falls for a moment but then he smiles again and grips Kibum’s cheeks between his hands. He leans forward and pecks Kibum on the lips. The older boy blushes and leans back and Taemin frowns at him.

“I like you a lot of course hyung.”

Kibum shakes his head and smiles at the younger boy. It’s cute how he doesn’t know anything yet, he thinks.

“You only kiss girls you like a lot, lot, lot and only say that to girls too Taeminnie.” Kibum explains and Taemin pouts.

“But I like Bummie hyung a lot, why shouldn’t I kiss you?”

Kibum contemplates that for a moment, but he doesn’t really know an answer and then just shrugs.

“It’s just like that Taeminnie, boys kiss girls and girls kiss boys; that’s the rule.”

Taemin pouts even more and crosses his arms, turning around again.

“That’s a stupid rule.” He mumbles and Kibum laughs, snuggling against the boy’s back again, his heart beating rapidly.

Kibum thinks about that time a lot but he also remembers the look his mom gave him when he asked why he shouldn’t kiss boys and tries to forget about the whole topic.

There is one time when Taemin and Kibum decide to run away together. Kibum is fourteen and Taemin is twelve and they think maybe if they run away together they can kiss whoever they want to kiss, that they aren’t called gay there.

They run for almost half an hour and when they stop running and let themselves fall to the ground they are in the middle of a field, surrounded by pretty flowers. Taemin is giggling and Kibum’s heart feels as if it is about to jump out if his chest.

They lie down next to each other and they don’t even have to say anything, they just lie in comfortable silence and watch the sunset until there is only the big, white moon above them.

Kibum is playing with the petals of different flowers he picked and Taemin has his eyes closed, but he doesn’t sleep, Kibum can tell. He looks at the younger boy next to him, his long eyelashes, pale skin, pouty mouth. He looks pretty, is what Kibum thinks, just like a girl.

Then Taemin opens his eyes and Kibum quickly looks away, because he notices he has been staring and he blushes and is happy that it is dark, so that Taemin can’t see.

“Hyung?”

Taemin’as voice is just a soft whisper, but it’s so quiet around them that Kibum would probably every word Taemin would utter and he looks back at the younger boy. He hums to signalize him that he is listening and he hears Taemin breathe in, his mouth open slightly and his eyes fluttering closed and then open.

“When you grow up, what do you want your life to be like?” Taemin says and this time his voice is clear and steady, a beautiful sound floating through the night air.

Kibum sighs and then he thinks for a moment. He takes his time, because he knows that Taemin wants him to think about it and after a long pause he says:

“I don’t know, I really don’t. Hell, I don’t even know what kind of job I want to have, the only thing that I know is that… that I want to be free.”

Taemin hums in agreement and then he takes Kibum’s hand and grips it tightly.

“I know that I just want to be with you.” He whispers and Kibum can feel goose bumps all over his body. He turns his head towards Taemin and smiles and Taemin smiles back at him and then closes his eyes and they stay like that for a while longer, just a little while.

Kibum is sixteen when he goes on a student exchange in Europe for two months. It’s the longest time he has not seen Taemin and the night before he has to depart Taemin sleeps over.

They are watching stupid movies and sappy dramas and laughing and crying at the same time as they eat chips and sweets and ice and don’t care about how that is all so incredibly unhealthy.

Taemin is sprawled on Kibum’s bed and Kibum is sitting on the ground when they finish the last movie and Kibum notices it’s 4 am and that they should probably sleep. Kibum stands up and pushes Taemin to one side of his bed, so that he can lie on the other and when he is comfortably tugged under his bed sheets Taemin shifts again, until he is lying half on top of Kibum, his breath tickling the older boy’s neck.

Kibum thinks that the whole situation is highly inappropriate, because the way they are lying there is gay and gay is not good. Kibum shifts and he feels really stiff as Taemin snuggles closer and he is sure the boy does that on purpose, just to tease him.

Kibum is stiff like a board and Taemin after lying in this position for several minutes leans up on his elbows and frowns down at Kibum. He knows that he probably can’t see it but he guesses Kibum can feel it.

“Do you feel uncomfortable?” he says, face just inches away from Kibum’s. Kibum gulps and takes a few ragged breaths before replying.

“You’re heavy.” Kibum whispers and he hears a low chuckle, so not like Taemin.

“You know…,” Taemin is trailing one finger down Kibum’s chest as he says that, “You don’t have to be scared. What are you scared about anyway hyung? About what people think? What they say?”

“N-No it’s not like that! W-what are you e-“ Kibum tries to stutter a response but is silenced by Taemin’s chapped, warm lips.

The kiss is completely different from what Kibum expected it to be. Sure, Kibum is already sixteen, but that doesn’t mean he has already really kissed anyone, he’s not like Taemin, straight-forward and demanding.

Kibum always imagined kisses to be like a wonder, to be beautiful and breathtaking. He thought they were like rainbows or waterfalls or all the other beautiful things on earth, but it’s not.

It’s just a simple meeting of lips, dry and warm. Rubbing against each other and making Kibum’s skin feel hot. Sure there is that funny feeling in his stomach, the one that people describe as butterflies, but that’s it.

Tongue, he decides, he doesn’t like one bit. It’s sticky and hot and wet and kind of yucky and he decided to keep his mouth closed as much as possible to avoid having his mouth invaded by Taemin’s slick muscle. He rather focuses on biting Taemin’s lips, sucking on them, running the tip of his tongue lightly over them. And even if Kibum decides kissing is not as great as he imagined it to be, he still likes it and he doesn’t want to stop because he wants to feel, more and more of Taemin.

He shifts a little bit and suddenly there is Taemin lying beneath him, legs spread and air coming out of his mouth in short gasps. Kibum positions himself between Taemin’s legs and he feels the hotness and hardness against his own, shuddering. They are young and easily erect and even if Kibum is inexperienced he has watched porn and he knows the basics at least.

He kisses Taemin again, hips pressing lightly against Taemin’s until he craves for more and he slowly starts rocking his pelvis, earning a few gasps from the younger boy. His tongue trails down Taemin’s neck and his hands under his t-shirt as he keeps rocking and Taemin arches into each touch as if he needs them.

Even if it’s a bit awkward and Kibum’s limbs start to hurt after a few minutes it all feels so fucking perfect, beautiful and as if it should be. And suddenly there is Taemin shuddering beneath him and gasping and pressing close to Kibum and then he goes limp. Kibum knows that he has cum and even if he hasn’t found his own release he climbs off Taemin and lies down next to him, one arm snaking around the younger boy’s waist.

“You didn’t cum.” Taemin mutters, already half asleep. Kibum shushes him and then the boy is asleep and Kibum just a few minutes later, even if he has an aching cock.

He’s overwhelmed and so extremely happy.

The next day Taemin is nowhere to be found, but Kibum even if he would like to, does not have the time to look for him and when he is finally done with packing and dressing and ready to drive off to the airport there is no Taemin to tell him goodbye.

It’s two months of worrying and feeling sad and stupid later when Kibum returns from Europe all tanned and packed with souvenirs that he is told that Taemin’s mother has died one motnth ago.

Kibum is running all around the neighbourhood and is looking for Taemin, but he can’t find the boy anywhere. It’s only late at night when Kibum has already spend two hours sitting in front of his house that Taemin comes home.

He looks pale, paler than before and really, really skinny. He had deep bags under his eyes and his hair is long and dyed in a shade of reddish-brown. He looks as if he is at least three years older, his two sizes too big t-shirts are now stylish, low cut shirts and his baggy pants have changed to black, ripped skinny jeans.

He looks sick and tired and Kibum feels the urge to wrap his hands around him and hold him and protect him, but then Taemin looks up at Kibum, cigarette tugged between his lips and he looks so distant, cold and unapproachable that Kibum freezes and just stares.

Taemin walks past him, doesn’t say anything and if he wouldn’t be looking at Kibum it would be as if he was ignoring him. He puts his keys inside the keyhole and opens the door and just before he is about to step into the house he gives Kibum one last judging look, with a smirk (Kibum has never seen a smirk on Taemin before) plastered on his lips and then closes the door behind him and right in front of Kibum’s nose.

Kibum regrets ever having left Taemin.

It’s like that that they grow apart. Taemin has kind of become the high school’s first year slut and Kibum just keeps being a loner.

Sometimes he sees Taemin making out with some guy in the boy’s bathroom and sometimes smoking on the roof, but they don’t talk anymore.

For Kibum Taemin is like a different person, like his bad twin like someone Taemin never wanted to be. Kibum wants to reach out and help him, because he knows Taemin is hurting and suffering, but the younger boy has become unreachable.

Kibum, though being a loner is growing up too, he dresses more nicely, has black, messy hair with a few violet strands in his hair. He knows that he has charms, that he is pretty, that he has pale skin and pouty lips and even if he is not a slut, he gets around.

Sometimes he meets Taemin in the clubs and he wonders how the boy got into them, because he is still underage, but he doesn’t bother to ask. They exchange glances or smirks and maybe it’s just a dance if who seduces whom first, but there are still the memories Kibum is sure Taemin didn’t forget either.

It’s one night when Kibum is so drunk that he doesn’t even know what is happening until he is lying in the middle of the field he has been with Taemin once. He looks around and remembers as if it has just been yesterday and just because he is drunk it makes tears well in his eyes. He sits up and feel everything spin and he wonders how he has gotten there, but then he sees Taemin sitting beside him (how could he not have noticed him earlier), smoking calmly.

Kibum freezes for a moment and then there is Taemin looking at him and he smiles, apologies written all over his face as if that would be enough for Kibum to forgive him and it probably is because he shifts closer and is just about to hug him, tale him back, finally. But Taemin presses a hand against Kibums chest, looking down and pressing the cigarette in the other hand off.

“You shouldn’t touch me.” He whispers and Kibum wants to ask why and what has happened and how he is doing, he wants to ask so much, but he doesn’t, he just sits back and looks up at the moon.

“When you grow up, what do you want your life to be like?” It’s just like that time, just that Taemin’s voice is so much lower and huskier that before and between them has changed so much.

Kibum looks back at Taemin and Taemin looks at him, his eyes shimmering in the moonlight.

“I don’t know, the only thing that I know is that I want to be free.” He whispers and Kibum just stares and there is a moment where they stare at each other. For others it could be considered as the staring that comes before a kiss, but for Kibum it’s just the questions in his eyes and the never ending sadness in Taemin’s.

After a while Taemin sighs and stands up, he doesn’t say anything and neither does Kibum as he slowly walks back home, through the flowers and dirt. Kibum watches him until he disappears in the darkness and then he lies back down and closes his eyes and breathes in.

It’s one day later when Kibum decides that it’s enough, that he wants to know what’s wrong that he visits Taemin at home.

He knocks and rings a few times but no one opens the door, but when Kibum sees the light through the window of the living room he knows that there must be someone home.

He’s lucky that this house is like a second home for him and he still knows where the spare keys are. Even if he hasn’t visited for some time now -when he thinks about it it’s been since the time Taemin’s mother died- he knows the house like the back of his hand and he comfortably walks through the quietness of the house, looking each room. It hasn’t really changes much.

Then he is standing in front of Taemin room and for some reason, he doesn’t really know why, his heart is pounding loudly in his chest.

He knocks, but there is no response, except for some noises that sound like animalistic growls coming out of the room and Kibum wonders why he didn’t hear them before, because they are loud. He feels a wave of anxiety wash over him and he trembles as he grips the door handle and pushes it down.

The sight that greets him is like his worst nightmare and something that sets an inward, disgusting urge free. He sees Taemin and his father while they are doing something that could be interpreted as ‘bounding time’.

What’s the difference between what Kibum sees and a normal father-son bounding time is that Taemin is wailing and he’s tied to the bed. Taemin is naked, his thin, lanky body bent in half as his father presses his thighs against his stomach. His pale skin is covered in bruises, the skin on his wrists is red and bleeding, because the ropes around them scrape on the skin as his thin frame shakes together with the bed. What’s burned itself the most into Kibum’s mind however is the picture of Mr.Lee, Taemin’s father how he, mostly dressed, except for his pants which are riding in his kneecaps, thrusts in and out and in and out of Taemin’s tight, little asshole.

Taemin tries to scream, Kibum knows, but there is a cloth in his mouth and he can’t do anything but let whatever it is his father wants to do happen. The animalistic sounds, Kibum notices, come from Taemin’s father and now that the door is open he can also hear loud smacking sounds and the sound of the bed sliding on the carpet.

Everything is blurring and all Kibum can see is blood and tears and fear and hate and all he can smell is sweat and sex. He feels as if he is about to puke or to faint because he feels so utterly shocked.

He is trembling and sweating and his heart feels as if it’s about to explode. His throat feels dry and his eyes water and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to help, but doesn’t know how, he is young and scared and he doesn’t even really know what is happening. He just knows that Taemin is suffering.

Kibum is frozen on the spot and he’s lucky that no one has noticed him yet. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but it feels like hours and Kibum thinks that, maybe he should just go, or call the police, but then Taemin turns his head into the door’s direction.

Taemin’s eyes widen and he looks so broken, so ashamed, so miserable, Kibum feels his heart shatter. Taemin squeezes his eyes shut and then opens them again, only to stare at Kibum in shock again, his eyes empty of tears, but filled with a sadness that makes Kibum shudder from inside out. They stare at each other for moments and then Kibum does something that he regrets forever, he looks down and goes away.

***

It’s late at night and Jessica can hear the sounds of drunken people and stray cats from outside her apartment. Where she lives, it’s busy and loud and there is nearly no time for her to be in complete silence, but that’s okay. She has always liked the crowd.

She just finished her newest article and decides after a quick glace at the clock, that it’s still too early to go to bed.

She sighs and stretches on her seat, her eyes roaming over her small bedroom and landing on a box lying on her nightstand. It’s the box she’s taken from the building lot. She has kept it there for a few days now because of all the work piling up she didn’t have any time to look into it.

But now she has the time and she licks her lips as she walks to the nightstand, taking the box into her hands and shaking it. There is definitely something inside, nothing heavy, maybe paper or small books.

She walks back to her desk, sits down and turns the box in her hands. It’s not really special just a box, made of dark, slightly dirtied wood, it doesn’t feel heavy, but also not really light and as she keeps observing the box she gets more and more curious.

Jessica licks her lips again, taking her long hair and throwing it back, so that it won’t be in the way and then she takes her scissors and cuts through the duct tape that keeps the box closed.

The box opens with a creak and Jessica’s heart can’t help, but pound and she doesn’t really know why, it’s just a stupid box after all. But she has this feeling, the feeling she just sometimes gets when she is on the trace of something big and she just knows that there must be something special going on with this box.

She closes her eyes for brief moment and when she opens the again she looks at a stack of papers and a lot of money.

She takes out the stack of papers and goes through them. There are various certificates, deeds of ownerships for several apartments, birth certificates and ID’s. They are mostly for a person called Kim Key or Kim Kibum and Jessica can tell that they are probably fake.

On the ID’s there is a picture of a man, who looks not older than twenty, with pale skin, high cheekbones and feline eyes, a face that it not hard to recognize when Jessica would see it on the streets.

What Jessica thinks is strange about each paper is that there is no birth date, or indication to how old this person could be, neither on the ID’s, nor on the birth certificates. She looks through everything else, but gets no more information and when she closes the box after about one hour she thinks that she has definitely found something interesting.

*
TBC

previous | request? | masterlist | next

- I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.
It's unbeta-ed as fuck but it 2 am and I don't really care :P
This chapter really is meh~ I can't believe I am writing Taekey, because Taekey is like.. urg and even Taekey smut! >.<
but well.... there will be happier things comming in the next one :D.
Comments encourage so they are ♥