Today it's my turn to die [Chapter 2 / ?]
Today it's my turn to die | Jongyu, past!Taekey, Jongkey, Onkey | R | 4000+ au, fantasy, angst, smut, drama, romance, | unbeta-ed , suicide issues, swearing, rape
note: Change of plans: Because I decided to do some changes on the plot there will be a new main!painring, I changed it from Jongkey to Jongyu, because it fits so much better to the plot >.< I sorry Hachi!! and I'm sorry for the Jongkey fans, but there will still be Jongkey!! That's a promise ;D
Chapter 2: The daily nothing
Cleaning, Kibum decides, is not that easy when you are surrounded by two whining pack rats that get in the way whenever you try to throw something away (“No! That’s an important beer-bottle! It reminds of that one important night!”, “Which night?”, “I don’t remember but it was important!”).
Of course, it was impossible for Jinki and Jonghyun to just spend a few hours not moping around in their apartment (landfill) and so they return one hour after Kibum has thrown them out, much to his dismay.
By the tenth time someone has grabbed his wrists to prevent him from throwing some useless shit away, Kibum explodes and after a few screams, glares, things thrown around and a terrifying threat (“You’ll be eating cooked vegetables for the next month if you don’t leave me the fuck alone!”) Jonghyun and Jinki crouch down into the furthest and darkest corner of the apartment and watch Kibum stomp around and clean (and sometimes throw tantrums), with a constant look of disgust on his face.
Jonghyun, leans against Jinki and nudges him, turning his ‘I’m-an-innocent-puppy’-gaze away from Kibum to glare at Jinki.
“Why the hell did it have to be someone like that?!” he whispers and Jinki shrugs, sheepish smile on his lips.
“He’s hot.”
It’s around five hours later when Jinki and Jonghyun can’t stop gaping because Kibum not only managed to clean their apartment, but also made it look like something you could live in and invite people in, that he summons them out of their corner and calls them for dinner.
Kibum is pretty proud; they can tell (“I really, really am the best. I am great. Guys! Say that I’m great!”) and he just can’t stop his self-praise as he rambles on and on, while the three of them eat dinner. Jinki pretends that he is listening, sometimes throwing some acknowledging hums into the monologue, Jonghyun just ignores him.
Kibum decides that, yes, he definitely doesn’t like Jonghyun.
***
Jinki meets Jonghyun when they are third year in high school. Jonghyun is the new, popular kid. He stands out with his blonde hair tips and his cocky grin. He is a singer, a star, someone everyone knows, someone that is the lead of the school’s band, someone that lives the way he wants to. Cool and handsome.
Jinki watches him from the sidelines, quick glances and stares when no one is looking. For Jinki, Jonghyun is someone interesting, someone that maybe can paint a little bit of colour into the dull, grey repetition of sleeping, school, eating and studying Jinki is living in. Jonghyun is everything Jinki wants to be and everything he knows he will never be and it will stay like that, Jinki believes.
Jinki is the classical nerd, of course.
He has a mop of black, messy hair on top of his head, bangs falling into his black-rimmed glasses. His eyes are nearly not visible behind the curtain of glass and hair. He has a bright, goofy smile, chubby cheeks and is clumsy as hell, but at least he is smart.
Of course, he never would have what it would take to be like Jonghyun. He is not handsome or outgoing or charismatic, he is just the soft, squishy, nice Lee Jinki, the school’s tofu, Onew.
But there is nothing wrong about dreaming right?
Because Jinki likes to dream, likes to dream about being like Jonghyun, about singing in front of everyone, about being popular and handsome and cool.
Sometimes he stays in school longer than all he others and then he tip-toes to the music room and sits down in front of the grand piano. When he sits there and stops thinking for a moment, stops being the intelligent Onew and is himself, Lee Jinki, the one who wants to sing. He closes his eyes, inhales deeply and then he starts to play.
The music flows out of him, through him and it just works, it’s as if Jinki is home. He sings his heart out, plays his heart out and imagines he’s not alone, not hiding, not scared of what other people think about him.
It’s those afternoons he loves the most.
He becomes addicted to the feeling, craves the coldness that surges through his fingers when he touches the piano’s keys, craves the flow of music, the feeling of being himself. He starts going there every afternoon, telling his mother that he is studying in the library, it has become like a drug. His grades drop, but he doesn’t care, he keeps on doing music, writing music, living music.
Maybe he’s become so addicted to it, to the feeling, to the dream, that he becomes reckless. Maybe is just coincidence after all.
Jinki has his eyes closed, releases one last note, closes his mouth, let’s his fingers slide over the keys for the last tunes and then he is finished, breathes out and sighs and then there is clapping.
Jinki spins around, gasps and loses his balance and the next thing he knows is that he is sitting on the ground, blinking up at a hand reaching out to him. His eyes trace the way over toned arms, up to a face Jinki would recognize everywhere.
“J-Jonghyun.” He stammers, voice cracking and face heating up.
Jonghyun looks at him, shocked, those big, charismatic eyes scanning Jinki’s features and then he smiles, wriggling his hand in front of Jinki’s face. Jinki stares at the hand and then back up at Jonghyun and when Jonghyun begins frowning slightly he takes the hand offered.
Jonghyun pulls him up and Jinki, being Jinki, stumbles forward, nearly falling again, if it weren’t for the other holding him steady.
“You’re a clumsy one, aren’t you?” he says, voice right next to Jinki’s ear and Jinki hastily pulls away stumbling backwards to keep some kind of distance.
“I uhm, I think I should get going.” He mumbles, head hanging low as he nearly runs out of the room.
He doesn’t know if Jonghyun had been calling for him or if he had been asking something, because the only thing Jinki could hear was the pounding of his own heart.
It’s like a sappy college romance, except… it’s not.
Jinki, of course, returns to the music room after one week of avoiding it. He just can’t help it.
Jonghyun, of course, is there, all handsome and ‘I’ve been waiting for you’ and Jinki just can’t bring it over his heart to run away again.
“I really love your voice, it’s so soft… like a feather.” Jonghyun says and Jinki blushes, smiling sheepishly.
Jonghyun asks him to play for him, sing for him, keep him company. And Jinki does, sits down next to Jonghyun and sings like has always done, feeling Jonghyun sway next to him.
Jonghyun is much more awkward and dorky and weird than Jinki thought he would be, not mysterious and cool like he always imagined. When Jinki tells him strange jokes, Jonghyun laughs even if he doesn’t understand them. When Jinki falls, Jonghyun is there to help him up. When Jinki is stressed out about exams, Jonghyun is there to somehow make him relax. And when Jinki feels alone, Jonghyun is just there for him.
They are ‘the nerd and the popular guy’ or ‘the strange couple’, but they don’t care, because they get along, they found the friend they had always been looking for and that’s enough.
It’s the second year in college and they are throwing a party (or more like Jonghyun throws a party because Jinki doesn’t know that many people) because they got a room together and Jinki gets drunk for the first time.
It’s dizzying and colourful and it makes him happy, laugh non-stop, giggle like a girl and be even clumsier than he is anyway. He is waddling through the familiar room, passing strangers and more strangers. He is looking for Jonghyun, screaming his name here and there, the last time he’s seen him Jonghyun was making out with some random chick on Jinki’s bed. Jinki likes to pretend that he isn’t drunk because of that.
It’s a lot of attempts of trying to walk straight and failing miserably, people laughing at him and with him and about half an hour later that Jinki finally manages to get out of the room and to the college’s music room.
Jonghyun’s there, just as Jinki expected and Jinki must say that he is pretty proud that his drunken mind even thought about it. He walks (staggers) to where Jonghyun is sitting in front of the piano, but falls, a very girlish squeak escaping his mouth.
Jonghyun turns around, stares at Jinki for a moment and then laughs, shaking his head. He walks to Jinki and crouches down, taking the older boy’s arms and pulling him up. But Jinki is drunk and his body feels like it’s made of pudding and when Jonghyun heaves him up, Jinki does not have the strength to help him, what ends in Jinki lying on top Jonghyun, giggling like a fangirl.
Jonghyun groans, tries to push Jinki away, but he is too heavy. Jinki uses all the strength he can muster to place the palms of his hands next to Jonghyun’s head and push himself up a bit so that he can look at Jonghyun.
“Whathappened tothe guuurl?” he slurs, breath tickling Jonghyun’s face. Jonghyun is frozen for a moment, staring at Jinki and Jinki thinks that’s kind of funny because Jonghyun is never frozen up like that and that makes Jinki grin, wide and happy and so incredibly pretty.
Jonghyun inhales sharply, exhales and looks away. He is drunk, sure, but he shouldn’t be doing this.
“Nothing happened.” He says, voice harsh, cold. Jinki’s face drops and there is something hot suddenly boiling in him, he is confused for a moment and then he looks at the way Jonghyun is trying to ignore him and he feels that it’s anger, jealously bubbling up inside of him.
“Well, I saw that nothing happened.” He snaps.
Jonghyun looks at him again, big eyes so extremely surprised and it gives Jinki confidence (together with the alcohol).
“Bet it felt good to have her wet, pretty lips on yours. Right?” he whispers, nose brushing against Jonghyun’s.
“Bet it felt good, to feel her wet pussy under your fingers.” He says, lids closing over his eyes.
“Bet, girls are so much better than boys.” He says and he can’t help the sad tone in his voice. Jonghyun looks surprised, terrified even, but Jinki doesn’t care, all he cares about is the storm of feelings in the pit in his stomach that make him lean in, let his lips brush past Jonghyun’s, make him whimper softly.
For a moment Jonghyun tries to fight Jinki away, tries to protest, but Jinki is pressing his lips deeper into Jonghyun’s, tongue and teeth scraping Jonghyun’s bottom lip. Jonghyun moans out then, loud and obscene, like he has wanted this forever, like he needs this.
Jinki decides that maybe he should try drinking alcohol more often as Jonghyun spreads his legs for him, pushing up, erection pressing into Jinki’s thigh.
Yes he definitely should, if it ends up like this.
The next morning Jinki wakes up with a pounding headache and the extreme need to drink something. He is half naked and in his bed, he stinks and feels as if he has been killed thrice. When he blinks his eyes open (ever so slowly because it fucking hurts) and notices that he is alone.
There is no Jonghyun and no drunken people, just piles of empty beer and vodka bottles. Jinki groans and shifts, head spinning and stomach turning as he climbs out of his bed. He grabs a t-shirt and sweatpants, washes his face in the bathroom and decides that he should take a walk through the building, see where Jonghyun is.
There are people buzzing around him and loud chatter and Jinki, thinks that he should never have left his room, the headache making him dizzier by each second. He can’t concentrate on anything around him, nothing. He can’t see anything or really hear anything except for the loud noise around him.
He notices however when there is an arm draped over him and he is pulled against a warm body. Jonghyun, he thinks for a moment, but then he notices that the person is taller and boarder than Jonghyun and he turns around, unfocused eyes trying to recognize the person in front of him.
“Dude, you look like shit!” the guy exclaims, big grin on his face. Jinki has no idea who he is.
“Uhm, thanks.” He mutters because he has always been socially awkward, but the guy doesn’t seem like he has been listening anyway.
“Big party yesterday, it was great. I got so drunk I was dancing to snsd.” He laughs out, arm swaying in big hand gestures and Jinki just wants him to disappear. “I didn’t even notice the thing going on between Jjong and Sekyung.”
At that’s when Jinki’s senses perk up, he furrows his brows and looks up to the guy.
“Jjong and Sekyung?”
“Yep, they’ve been making out yesterday as far as I know, lucky guy.”
Jinki runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.
“Uhm yeah, have you seen Jjong then?”
The guy laughs again, big hand hitting Jinki on the shoulders. But Jinki just stares at him, confusion written all over his face.
“He’s on a trip with Sekyung, dude, the whole school knows and aren’t you his best friend?” he mumbles, sympathy crossing his features and Jinki hates him for that.
“I am his best friend.” He whispers and then stalks off.
And as he walks inside the room, door shutting loudly behind him he notices that there are few of Jonghyun’s favourite things missing. Jinki slams a fist against the door.
He thinks he got the message.
It’s like a sappy college romance, except… it’s not.
Because Jinki is a boy and Jonghyun is a boy, and there is no sappy college romance between boys.
***
There is that thing about Kibum’s new life.
It’s great and simple and he has a roof over his head and food every day and even something like friends, but there is one thing that he doesn’t like: his life, as normal as it is now is plain boring.
Kibum spends pretty much the whole day either in the kitchen cooking, in the apartment cleaning or lying on the couch and watching the same old movie again and again (the DVD player doesn’t open, so that he can’t change the DVD and the normal TV doesn’t work).
Jinki is out working the whole day and when he gets home he is too tired to do anything with Kibum and Jonghyun is out doing whatever he does. Kibum feels like a neglected puppy sometimes and that is stupid because Jonghyun is the dog in their household.
But there is just nothing to do. He can’t go out, or doesn’t go out just because he knows that there is always, really always something bad happening when he steps out of the safety of the apartment he’s living in and that would be bad because he doesn’t have an identity yet (he should call Yoochun, but he doesn’t feel like the trouble).
In the apartment itself he can do nothing but clean, cook, watch titanic, smear toothpaste on Jonghyun’s door handle, mess with his guitars and cook again. Sometimes he is lying on the couch or the floor or in one of the two beds they have and sometimes he listens to music and dances, but after a week everything of that gets boring.
So, the first time he kills himself it is out of pure boredom.
After years of killing himself Kibum has already learned a lot. For example that he should put his open wrists into warm water, so that the wounds won’t close before he has a chance to die, or that he should jump from a building that has at least ten floors when he wants to die and not be lying in the hospital with pain surging through his body, that makes him want to jump from the roof right again.
He has also learned that depending on how he kills himself it takes more or less time for him to heal and wake up again. For example when he was burned into ashes, it took him eight months, but when he died because of a simple shot through his heart it only took him about one month.
The fastest way to wake up again after killing himself, however is taking sleeping pills. Kibum doesn’t like them a lot, because he always feels a lot of pain and has those extremely stupid looking cramps before he dies, but he always wakes up about two to three days later, which is convenient.
Kibum has about two hours left before Jonghyun usually returns. He searches in the apartment for sleeping pills (and he’s sure he’ll find some because he has noticed Jinki is often waking up in the middle of the night) and when he finally finds them (yay! There are enough to kill himself) he sits down on Jonghyun’s bed and suppresses a grin. He would die to be able to see Jonghyun’s expression when he gets home (no pun intended).
He takes his time taking the pills and when he thinks he had enough (and he got the feeling for it by now) he lies down and waits. It’s about two minutes later that his whole body starts aching and then the cramps come and the pain in nearly unbearable as he jerks and moans in pain and then everything is finally black.
Kibum wakes up and the first thing he notices is that it’s freezing. For a moment he holds his breath, eyes still closed and he concentrates all his senses on what is happening around him. He notices that he is lying on something soft and that, no there is no one around, so he opens his eyes.
He still is in Jonghyun’s room and is still lying on his bed and when he looks at the digital clock on the nightstand he sees that he has been dead for about two days. He shifts and then looks down at his body. He is clothed (hurray!), but the two idiots swept a pile of icepacks over him.
He is fucking freezing (and he is sure Jinki did that on purpose) and considers just standing up and forgetting that whole ‘scare Jonghyun to death’ thing, but then he hears the door open and he squeezes his eyes shut and wills his body to stop trembling.
He hears Jonghyun shifting next to him and then rustling of clothing and a ‘thump’, he guesses Jonghyun sat down on a chair next to him. He hears sniffing and then there are his hands between Jonghyun’s.
Kibum mentally thanks Jinki, for not telling Jonghyun, because it’s obvious that he doesn’t know, by the way he is crying his heart out right now. Kibum is surprised that Jonghyun feels so miserable and he almost, almost feels sorry for him, if it weren’t for Jonghyun crying into Kibum’s hands.
Kibum cringes because it’s really disgusting and he can feel something sticky on his hands. He feels the urge to slap Jonghyun away and he wonders how stupid that guy must be when he doesn’t notice Kibum trembling, shifting and grimacing, even Kibum thinks it’s obvious that he is alive.
It’s a few minutes later that he decides that his hand is covered in enough snot for the day and that he is just too cold to take playing dead anymore. He takes a deep breath and rips his hand out of Jonghyun’s grasp, the latter letting out the un-manliest high pitched squeal Kibum has ever heard.
Kibum opens his eyes just in time to see a pillow flying into his face and when the pillow falls out of his vision, revealing a death-glare, Jonghyun is standing at the other end of the room, back pressed against the wall.
Jonghyun looks quite pathetic and Kibum hides his grin as he wipes his hand on the sheets.
“You’re disgusting.”
The squeak that follows sounds like a Jonghyun is a chocking rabbit and Kibum has to suppress a chuckle as he looks up at the Jonghyun looking like a kicked puppy. Kibum kicks the icepacks off the bed and shudders before climbing off.
Jonghyun presses himself deeper into the wall and Kibum smirks, taking the blanket from the bed and wrapping it around him (because he’s still cold) as he walks closer towards the other. Jonghyun looks as if his biggest wish right now is to just disappear into the wall and Kibum grins when he is about half a meter away from Jonghyun, who is panting and staring at him with wide eyes.
From up close Kibum can clearly see Jonghyun’s puffy eyes and red cheeks, evidences that he had been crying.
“You cried? Seriously Jjong that’s so cute.”
And Jonghyun only splutters out a: “You were dead” as response.
Kibum rolls his eyes at this and then laughs; Jonghyun cringes and slowly slips to the side, away from Kibum.
“No shit, Sherlock.” He says, turning around and walking towards the closet to get some more clothes.
Bad thing number five about waking up after each death:
Sometimes there are people, who think that if someone wakes up again after having died, he wants to die again.
Jonghyun belongs to those people and he takes a grab for the broom standing in the corner of his room, lifts it over his head and jumps at Kibum with a war cry.
Bad idea.
When Jinki comes home and opens the door, being hit by the smell of mouth-watering cooking, he knows Kibum woke up again. What unsettles him slightly is the fact that he does not hear the usual bickering in the kitchen and that he didn’t have the time to explain anything to Jonghyun yet. He really doesn’t want to know what happened.
He slips his shoes off and throws his jacket away as he walks towards the kitchen. As expected, Kibum is standing there humming happily as he swings his hips (and Jinki can’t help but to look at his ass, really) and cooks.
Jinki coughs awkwardly and Kibum turns around to flash him a toothy grin.
“Hi, Jinki.” he sing-songs and Jinki laughs sheepishly.
“So, you’re back again.” He says and Kibum makes a victory sign before he turns around again. Jinki leans against the kitchen table and crosses his arms over his chest. He takes a swift look around the living room connected to the kitchen, but there is no Jonghyun.
“And where is Jonghyun?”
Kibum stops in his tracks, sighs and turns around to face Jinki again. He rubs his temples and crooks his hip.
“Sadly, not everyone is as easy to handle as you are,” Kibum turns the stove off and sighs again, before continuing, “he… overreacted a little. bit. So I had to… restrain? him a little bit, for my and his own good.”
Jinki gulps and grips the table tightly.
“Kibum, what the hell did you do to him?!” Jinki tries to sound stern, but fails miserably; still Kibum looks up, guilty, but also defensive.
“I didn’t do anything! He tried to attack me with a broom!”
Jinki shakes his head.
“Kibum answer me. What did you do to him?” he hisses and Kibum, not expecting the tone, flinches. For a moment there is tension, but then Kibum relaxes again and sighs, looks down at the ground for a moment, purses his lips and then he looks up again and grins at Jinki.
He walks out of the kitchen and towards the balcony, humming a name-less tune and occasionally looking back to see if Jinki is following him.
Kibum opens the door to the balcony and steps back to let Jinki pass.
“Oh, my god Kibum! What did you do?”
Kibum rolls his eyes, he thinks that there is no reason for Jinki to be reacting like that. It was Jonghyun who tried to kill him after all.
Jinki slowly steps closer to a shivering Jonghyun, crouched in the corner of the balcony. He helps the younger man up and Jonghyun glares at Jinki, then at Kibum and back again at Jinki. He wriggles out of Jinki’s grasp, teeth clacking and shoulders shaking.
“What the hell took you so long and why do we have this thing in our house Jinki?!” he spits out, eyes narrowing as he gives Kibum a long look. Jinki shakes his head, tries to muster a reassuring smile as he steps closer to Jonghyun.
“Jjong, let me explain.-“
“You know what,” Jonghyun interrupts, “I don’t even give a fuck.”
He pushes his way past a totally confused Jinki and a smug Kibum, ignoring Jinki’s helpless ‘but Kibum is still Kibum’ as he slams the door to his bedroom shut. Kibum tries his best to give Jinki a sympathetic smile as the other crouches down on the floor sighing.
Jinki wonders what he did wrong to deserve this.
*
TBC
previous | request? | tumblr | masterlist | next
- I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.
Okay I'm really really sorry for this shit of a chapter
and I'm sorry that it took me so long to write something like this -.-'
But I really really really wanted to post something before I'll be on vacation,
that means I probably won't be updating for the next four weeks
since I'll be away on sunday and won't have any internet form august 3rd to 24th
so yeah, it's a while. I'm sorry.
Comments encourage so they are ♥