Today it's my turn to die [Chapter 3 / ?]
Today it's my turn to die | Jongyu, Jongkey, Onkey, past!Taekey | R | 3000+
au, fantasy, angst, smut, drama, romance, | unbeta-ed , suicide issues, swearing,
Chapter 3: Smile. Smile and it will be alright
“So.”
Yoochun says, smirk on his lips and cigarette tugged between them.
“So.” Kibum repeats.
Yoochun grins, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and releasing a lungful of smoke into Kibum’s face and Kibum smiles into the cloud swirling around his head.
Yoochun’s smile falls for a moment, he leans forward on the table that is separating him from Kibum, weight on his elbows as he takes a closer look at the other male.
“You don’t look a day older.” He finally says after a moment of staring.
Kibum scoffs hands crossing over his chest, but he can’t help the self-satisfied smile playing at the corner of his lips. It makes Yoochun smile too.
“Of course. Who do you think I am?” Kibum says playfully, voice loud so that it can surpass the heavy beats of the music in the club they are sitting in. Kibum used to strip here.
Yoochun nods, his smile never leaving his lips. He presses the rest of his cigarette against an empty beer can, intertwines his fingers and leans forward again.
“I got the documents ready.”
Kibum flashes him a grin.
“You’re one reliable guy.”
Yoochun laughs out loud, his hoarse voice ringing in Kibum’s ears.
“I guess I am.” He says, taking an envelope out of the inside of his jacket. Kibum crooks his head, eyes transfixed on the envelope.
Yoochun lays the envelope on the table, fingertips sliding it to Kibum’s direction, but never leaving it. Kibum shoots Yoochun a glance before he traces his own fingertips over the table to the envelope. But as soon as Kibum touches the envelope Yoochun slams his hand on it, tongue running over his teeth as he grins at the other. Kibum rolls his eyes, retreating his hand to cross his arms again.
“How much?” he says, bored expression plastered on his face as he looks at Yoochun.
Yoochun chuckles, shakes his head and proceeds to stand up, envelope still in his hands. He walks over to where Kibum is calmly sitting, hand pressing against the wall next to Kibum’s head as he leans closer.
“You know exactly what I want.” He whispers into Kibum’s ear, tongue running over the shell. Kibum chuckles, turning his head and brushing his nose against Yoochun’s, their breaths mingling.
“Yeah, I do.” He breathes out as his mouth pushes against the other male’s bottom lip.
“And you know that you’ll never get it.”
Kibum slips put from where Yoochun has pinned him against his seat, gracefully standing up and shooting Yoochun a wink as he wriggles the desired envelope in his hands.
“I gave you the same amount as always.” He says, waving a dismissive hand over his shoulder. Yoochun looks down into his hands and finds another envelope in them, chuckling, he stares after Kibum.
***
“Whoa, this is seriously… whoa!” Jinki says, poking Kibum’s naked upper arm where it is tattooed with thin black lines.
Kibum gasps, swatting Jinki’s hand away.
“What the fuck! Jinki! I just got a new line tattooed and it. fucking. hurts!” he hisses, glaring staggers at Jinki who scratches the back of his neck sheepishly.
“I’m sorry.” He says, sighing as his gaze lowers. Kibum rolls his sleeve back over his arm leaning a reassuring hand on Jinki’s leg as the latter sinks into the couch. Kibum has a feeling that he is not apologizing for poking him.
“Jonghyun shouldn’t behave like that, I mean, hiding in his room for three days. It’s not fair to you, you must have already gone through so much, I want you feel home here for as long as you can stay.” Jinki mumbles and Kibum crouches down into his vision, grinning up at the other male.
“Come on, Jinki!! Don’t be all depressed now, I’ve seen worse and I think he’ll be okay.” He says brightly, forcing Jinki’s chin up. And only smiles, bright and toothy.
It's only after dinner when they make themselves comfortable on their, big blue couch, drinking coffee and watching titanic, that Jonghyun comes out of his room again. Except for the big, dark bags under his eyes he hasn't changed and Kibum doesn't even want to know how he managed to eat, drink or empty himself without leaving his room for the past three days. Jinki is sleeping, his head buried on Kibum's lap and Kibum is not oblivious enough not to understand the glances Jonghyun gives them, but he ignores them anyway.
Jonghyun shuffles into the kitchen and when he comes back again he sits down on the couch too, pressing against Jinki’s feet until there is enough space for him.
Jonghyun stares at Kibum, cold, hard eyes not leaving Kibum’s pale face. Kibum feels fidgety and when he turns to look at Jonghyun the other doesn’t even flinch. He just continues staring and it’s as if he is trying to look through all layers of Kibum’s being until he can find the tiny, vulnerable soul that represents everything that is Kibum.
The silence stretches for so long that Kibum nearly flinches when Jonghyun breaks it.
"So you're immortal?"
Kibum nods, his black bangs falling into his face as he sips on his coffee, grimacing. He hates coffee and seriously doesn't know why he drinks it all the time.
"That’s what I assumed after my third death." he says, facing Jonghyun with the hint of a smile. Jonghyun doesn't bother to smile back, or maybe he doesn't see the smile because it's dark, but he instead crooks his head to the side and stares at Kibum.
"How old are you?" he whispers, stare still lingering on Kibum, his features, his eyes. Kibum shrugs, trying not to to feel uncomfortable under Jonghyun's stare.
"I don't know, I forgot. But I know that I am around twenty one, when it comes to my looks."
Jonghyun grins, eyes never leaving Kibum.
"It's funny how I was so scared of you, of the fact that something like this exits and now, after I thought a little bit about it, I am completely calm about sitting here next to you," he says and that's the first time Kibum actually notices that Jonghyun is pretty handsome. He has those big sparkling eyes and a plush, pink mouth, thick eyebrows and a nose that is curled upward. He doesn't have the typical kind of features that would mark one as handsome, but his strong jaw and high cheekbones, together with the rest just... match. Kibum unconsciously licks his lips.
"I mean when I think about it, it's kind of inhumane. Being like you."
Kibum scoffs, arms crossing over his chest.
"It's not like I had a choice. I’m not a monster. I am like everyone else, the only difference is that I have probably seen and experienced more than most people can imagine and that I just can't die, no matter how much I want to."
There is some silence in which Jonghyun turn his face away and Kibum can kind of see the thoughts forming in his head, the questions, the whys and whens. Jonghyuns eyes are transfixed on the screen before them, but not really concentrating on the moving images. Kibum runs his hands through Jinki's soft hair, his own thoughts wandering and only when he feels Jonghyun's stare again he looks up.
"Do you know why you are like this?"
Kibum lowers his gaze, he thinks about his past, about his childhood, about Taemin.
"I have an idea," he finally and he is more than relieved that Jonghyun doesn't ask for an explanation. Even if there has passed a lot of time, Kibum still didn't learn how to forget.
Jonghyun yawns, his arms thrown over his head as he stretches and Kibum's eyes can't help but linger on the small exposed patch of skin.
"You know, Kibum. I think there must be many people who envy you for your immortality. But I definitely don't belong to them," he says, turning his face towards Kibum again and making a small pause, his eyes unfocused for a moment as if he is thinking about how to say what he wants to say before opening his mouth again. "I wouldn't want to live on and on and on and continue seeing every beloved person die before me. I wouldn't want to hide and run away… I definitely wouldn't want that," and there is something incredibly sad and understanding and… strange about the look lingering on Jonghyun’s features. It makes Kibum want to crawl into a corner, curl up and cry.
But Kibum just smiles, because he has cried enough and what should he answer? That Jonghyun is right? They both know he is. That Kibum hates his life like this? He long ago stopped wanting people to pity him. Kibum just thinks that he's had luck this time.
***
“Do you know him?” Jessica asks, her voice flat and confident, her tone not really questioning because she knows the answer anyway. The man in front of her scans her features, bottom lip pulled between his teeth and eyes slightly narrowed. Jessica doesn’t repeat herself, she knows she doesn’t need to. She just waits for her answer patiently.
“What if I did?” the man says after a while, lips stretching out into a lopsided grin. Jessica smiles politely, hands playing with the picture lying between her and the man as she leans forward. She licks her lips, looking up at the man as she lets her feet slide over the ground to carefully touch his legs.
“What if you did?” she repeats, playful tone, sweet and dangerous lingering in her voice. She circles a delicate finger over the picture, resting her chin on the palm of her unoccupied hand.
The man, Kim Heechul, if she recalls his name correctly, only stares at her, no reaction to the feet stroking his leg or the long smouldering look Jessica gives him, she didn’t expect otherwise at a gay bar, really. But is was worth a try.
Jessica slowly retreats her leg, intertwining her fingers and placing her head on them as she leans forward on her elbows.
“If you really did know him and wouldn’t tell me…,” she makes a pause, just because she likes doing it, “I’d be really, really, really sad. And what makes me sad makes the people who come here regularly sad. I guess they won’t like knowing about your little business.”
Heechul’s eyes widen and Jessica mock-sighs, shaking her head.
“Just because people get greedy after they taste the sweetness of wealth.” She says, mocking the man sitting in front of her. She glances at him, her sharp eyes piercing. He is red in the face and shaking with anger, but Jessica knows better than to be scared.
“So, do you know him?” She repeats herself, leaning forward, blonde hair falling into her face.
Heechul grits his teeth, glaring at the petite woman in front of him. Then he lowers his head and opens his mouth.
***
Kibum is one of those people straight guys turn gay for and lesbian girls turn straight for. He is one of those people that get stares from people passing them on the streets, one of those that never are short of lovers or flirts. He's also one of those people that have the power to wrap everyone around their finger, play with them and make them do what he wants them to.
Since the day Kibum stepped into their apartment there has been… something. Something that Jinki doesn’t really know how to define, the only thing he knows is happening is that Jonghyun brings girls home more often and Jinki finds himself jacking off in the shower on a nearly daily basis now (yes, it was less before).
Jinki guesses that Kibum makes some kind of sexual frustration spark inside of them and even if he seems more than willing to take care of it, Jinki thinks he would never ever lay do something like that with a friend (again).
It’s one evening when Jinki comes home after a tiring day of work that he hears Jonghyun and Kibum fighting. Very, very loudly.
Jinki peeks into the kitchen, where the sound obviously comes from and since he has always sucked at stopping people from fighting (he has often ended up with a blue eye or a missing tooth) he decides to stay behind the corner, silently observing.
Now that he looks closely, he notices it’s only Jonghyun screaming and gesturing wildly as he talks (screams) insistently to Kibum. He has his back turned to Jinki, but Jinki can imagine the corners of his mouth hanging low and his brows furrowed to set a deep line between them, his eyes sparkling with fury and anger and everything else. Jonghyun has always been emotional.
Kibum in comparison looks rather calm. He leans against the kitchen table, hands crossed over his chest and, mouth set into a slight frown. But then Jinki looks closer and he can see the anger. Pure, frightening anger in Kibum’s eyes and it makes Jinki shudder in fright.
But Jonghyun seems to be oblivious to it as he screams on and on and even though it’s so loud, Jinki can barely make out a few words.
“-what the fuck do-… stop with the touching-… leave him alone!” - And Jinki is now seriously curious what they are fighting about.
Jinki tries to listen more closely but he understands nothing, just curse words and mentions of a ‘he’.
When Jonghyun is finished with screaming he lets his arms fall back to his sides, fists trembling as he waits for Kibum’s replies to the answers he has thrown at him. Kibum frowns then, pink lips opening in a dry and sarcastic laugh as he throws his head back.
Jinki can see the veins on Jonghyun’s neck and arms pop out dangerously and he knows that the latter is barely holding back and he knows that he must really really really feel the urge to punch Kibum in the face, but Jinki is glad that Jonghyun has learned to hold back.
“Just because you think being different is wrong, doesn’t mean I do. Just stop living in denial Jonghyun. I know you are ga-“
Jinki doesn’t know how it happens and who initiates it, he only knows there is suddenly Kibum pinned against the table, his long slender fingers pressed into Jonghyun’s brown locks and Jonghyun presses against him and ravishes his mouth.
It’s a sight that makes Jinki’s insides burn and his heart feel as if it’s packed in ice. He feels his stomach drop and a sickening feeling curling in it. He feels betrayed, so, so betrayed and left out and like he is just some stupid, now unnecessary piece in this. Just like he always is and just like he always was. Because he is just stupid, kind, unattractive Lee Jinki, not good enough for Jonghyun’s love and not good enough for Kibum’s attention and Jinki once again feels his heart break like it did all those years ago.
***
There are two things Jessica got out of Heechul.
One is that Kim Kibum, is or should be dead and that his corpse, after Heechul's describtion magically disappeared, so that he couln't even hold a funeral for his best stripper.
Two is a name. A name Jessica remembers she has come across a few times already, but it never stood out. It's someone, Heechul reassures, who had close contact to Kibum and probably knows more about him than anyone else. That's enough for Jessica to decide to find this person.
She fiddles her phone out of her bag (it's prada but she got it for fifty bugs from a friends who's a lot better off than her) and reads the name written on a small piece of paper tugged between her fingers. Yoochun. She whispers the name, tastes it on her tongue and then she presses the call button.
***
Smiling.
It has always been something Jinki was good at. People tell him he has a bright smile, something that lights everyone’s mood and makes them feel comfortable.
Jonghyun always told him that it made him look stupid, that it made him seem like a coward because it’s obvious he was not really smiling. He told him that it had a slight turn downwards at the corners and that his eyes didn’t crinkle the way they did when he really did smile and that his nose didn’t scrunch up the way it should. He said it was also obvious in the way that no one would smile if they were being made fun off, or of they fell or if they were hurt badly.
Jinki thought as long as it was Jonghyun the only one knowing, it was okay.
It was like he had finally found someone to seek refuge in. Someone he could tell everything about his messed up mother and his asshole of a father. About the way he thinks that his smile is the only thing that can protect him. Jonghyun told him it’s okay to smile like that to every one else, but not to him and Jinki nodded and said: “I promise.”
Jinki guesses he had a right to break the promise when he saw Jonghyun and Sekyung returning hand in hand and Jonghyun didn’t even look at him.
He guesses he has the right now too as he sits on the kitchen table between Kibum and Jonghyun and laughs with them and tells Kibum how good the food is and ignores the way Kibum’s lips are even pinker than normally and slightly swollen and ignores the cut on Jonghyun’s bottom lip and the purple blooming bruise (hickey) on his neck. He thinks he has the right to as he laughs at one of Jonghyun’s lame jokes and let’s Kibum pat his head.
And he thinks he has the right to let out the worst fake laugh he has ever managed because Jonghyun doesn’t even notice.
***
Jessica has just gotten out of work, stressed and irritated because her boss gave her a lecture. She's not concentrating enough on work, of course she is not, she has way more interesting things to think about.
Throwing her hair back, she reaches for a small notebook placed in her back. She goes through what she has found out, through who she has called or visited already. Her brain is working on full force, her brows furrowing and her lips tightly pressed together. She looks at a few addresses and the next things she thinks she has to do and only lifts her head shortly to smooth her bangs out of her face when she catches sight of someone that makes her heart stop.
Her gaze lingers, head turning with the person passing her, mouth agape before it stretches into a grin.
Gotcha, she thinks.
*
TBC
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- I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.
I don't know why but writing this is kind of really really hard.
I've got the whole plot in my head (and in my notebook) but this is just urg... -.-
I'm sorry that this is so short and that the chapters seem to be getting shorter
But I'm trying so please be patient with me.
I'd really like to know how you think this story is progressing.
Writing chaptered / long fics is hard for me. I'd aprecciate critisism.
So comments ar e ♥