It's still there I see. I feel tired and inert quite often. I am without motivation and drive, my mind is numb with even what I will do this day. My brain feels like a snowstorm preventing me from seeing myself or anything really. I'm grasping at needed clarity and finding myself lunging at air ( Read more... )

Let's try and make some sense of all this ( Read more... )

My thoughts seem caged these days. Hesitation consumes my writing as I force myself to dictate within my own head an entry for these journals. What have I become now? I feel consumed by what I once fought against, what at one time I deemed evil, now I gave in to and have let it wear my skin; a devil inside. I've given myself to it all and no longer ( Read more... )

I sit here now somewhat brooding. Devious thoughts entangle me and possess my attention ( Read more... )

Two years since my last update on this journal. I remember just recently I was in complete panic and dismay because I had thought this was all gone and my thoughts were erased. A lot has changed in two years. I sought vengeance and suffering to someone I once gave my whole heart to, but such are the ways of such total love, for it's opposite can ( Read more... )

I'm just full of so much rage now which I might say makes it a bit difficult for me to formulate proper thought at the moment, but I will try. So I'm joining the Air Force, plan to become a Fighter Pilot (damn them all that doubt I can do it, even if I fail at least I did something with myself). People are fearful for me joining up, they keep ( Read more... )

Programming, thats all it ever was. I had the coldest realization thanks to Ennyver's confirmations; I am fabricated, my emotions are simulated and my care for others merely a routine. I've learned just how cold I really am. I don't naturally care about anyone. All of my reactions are based on my interactions with my peers (not really that I should ( Read more... )

There's no freedom only annihilation! No freedom from this only annihilation! No freedom. Only annihilation from this. I want to go home but there is no home. There is no freedom, there is no end! I want there to be an end! Free me! Free me! Free me free me! I just want it to end! Get it out of my head! I cant sleep anymore, it just wont go away. ( Read more... )

Tonight I sit here somewhat saddened as my mind floods with many memories of promises I made long before I was breathing again. My Ennyver finally touched on true faith the other night when I spoke with her, it energized me. She is finally understanding what I saw in her eyes, and when I 'recognized' her. She has also recognized me from her past, ( Read more... )

Well I finally got sick and tired of this illness and decided it was time I get a second opinion on my sanity. The whole ordeal felt more like turning myself into the authorities for committing some serious crime, as if I had it in my mind they were waiting for this break for a long time... but that was just my feeling going in. I sat down filled ( Read more... )