Melancholy moments in winter's cold
A year ago I'd been ghosted by the one I loved. It still hurts. I don't care to tell how much. I'd lost my job. My stepfather was dying of cancer. My family frayed.
( Melancholy meanderings... )
( Melancholy meanderings... )
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For what it's worth snep, your profession for the last decade or so is a job which people generally have to go to college for. Same for the job you're currently at. You're smart, and you're adaptable. Proven resilient. You need to keep year ears perked, mind open, and chin up. Continue to learn to love yourself... you have come SO FAR from the days when we met and every single compliment was batted down. Recognize your progress. Recognize your accomplishments. It may not seem like much from day to day, but I see it as monumental.
So take heart. If nothing else, this chee believes in you.
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I suppose that's why I've felt like I didn't belong. Maybe like I didn't deserve to be there. Inferior to everyone else. An imposter? I didn't ever feel pride in myself. I didn't believe I was good enough. I guess that might've been why I accepted such abuse. Lived with it. And perhaps why I didn't feel I could risk losing a job, no matter how bad things got, because what better could I expect to get? I needed the job. I needed to survive. And I probably couldn't get as good a job again. I'd lucked into it. Every time. I was lucky to find someone to hire me in the first place.
I still don't feel I deserve to be where I am now. I don't know how I was hired. I can't keep up. Measure up. I'm trying. But I don't pick up things as fast as I should, as fast as anyone else. The other new guy is 10 times as good as I'll ever be, just getting better. I can tell others wonder at how I still don't understand things. What should be basic things. I bumble my way through, somehow not messing up too badly, or at least I hope I don't. I know I have. ( ... )
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