abusive behaviour?

[dirtymindspace]

I've just read some of the posts here about abuse. Interestingly, this word has come up in my relationship recently for the first time in my life. Lately, my bf has been picking fights with me when he gets really drunk. They are verbal fights, nothing physical, and often happen on the phone. The last one happened on the weekend face-to-face. I feel

Comments

[homo_impetus]

No I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
I think he needs counseling ASAP, and a couples counselor might be advisable too. Either that or well maybe you should just leave him.
It sounds like behavior that might escalate and scares me.

[ftmichael]

You're not being unreasonable at all. He's way out of line, and alcohol is not an excuse for misbehaviour. Plenty of people manage to drink, even get falling-down drunk, and never treat anyone the way he's treating you. If he acts like that when he drinks, he shouldn't be drinking. He's being a prick, and he needs to stop. The end.

Sounds like he needs therapy in a big way. See http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists for Trans-savvy therapists in your area. If he won't stop his behaviour, leave. You deserve better than the likes of him and his shitty behaviour; I don't care how much of a Prince Charming he is when he's sober. (Promising to stop doesn't count unless he actually does it; abusers will always promise to improve, and never do, or do just enough that you let your guard down and then resume their old behaviours.)

[rorekgwolfe]

Michael, you are absolutely right.

He sounds like he's on the way to being angry drunk turned wife beater. It rarely starts OUT as beating the woman up. But this sort of behavior is a HUGE warning sign.

Therapy, and getting him to ADMIT his problems will likely be the only way (that I can think of anyway) to work past this.

And if he drinks ALOT (really frequently, lots of drinks) he may be an alcoholic. Especially considering his behavior when drinking, and blaming the liquor.

[sylphae_minuo]

Unfortunately your partner is using alcohol as a way to cop with his feelings. From what you have described, the cyclic behavior that you are describing are a part of the abuse cycle. It is also part of the cycle of alcohol dependence. Unfortunately they go together. There is a large percentage of trans people who have issues with substance use, because the problems with transition are overwhelming. Does your partner have a therapist that he can speak with regarding his issues?

No you are not being unreasonable. You may find and Alanon meeting to be helpful. You may find it helpful to talk with a psychologist regarding your feelings of being the support person to someone in transition. Caring about our partners does not mean allowing them to treat you as a punching bag, either physically or emotionally.

[aki_no_kaze]

I've had to deal with my share of alcohol issues over the years and can say that what he is doing is 100% not cool.

There are a few queer and trans friendly AA meetings around, a few on LJ, if he wants to look at getting help coping without the bottle.

[sttatus_quo]

You aren't being unreasonable at all. When you're walking on eggshells because everything is a potential fight and things are clearly escalating then there's a problem. One of the strategies abusers have is to make it seem like everything is *your* fault. Don't buy it. You are not responsible for his insecurities or his behavior.

Al-Anon and counseling have been suggested. You can change your behavior and reactions even if you bf doesn't. If that means carrying cab money, a phone card, and a well thought out plan for leaving suddenly if you need to.. that's what you have to do. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you don't love, it just means that you love you also. I hope things work out well for you.