3/4
"I don’t wanna," said Brendon, digging his heels in a little.
Spencer squeezed Brendon’s hand a little more, and when that didn’t get him walking decided to just yank. Brendon windmilled with one arm and stumbled forward.
"Seriously, this is going to be bad," Brendon whined.
"Not if both of you behave like grownups," Spencer said.
"Right, but what are the odds of that?" Brendon asked. "You’ve known us for years, what are the chances-"
Keltie opened the door. "Oh my god, you guys!" she said happily, holding her arms out for a hug. Hobo ran out onto the sidewalk and around Brendon in tiny, dizzy circles, barking her head off.
"Hey, honey," said Brendon, kneeling to pet Hobo, while Spencer hugged Keltie.
"Is this a good idea?" Keltie whispered.
Spencer shrugged. "I wasn’t gonna wait for our Behind the Music," he whispered back.
"Come here and hug me, super star," Keltie ordered.
Brendon laughed, not his full actually-delighted laugh, but the one he used for company. He straightened up - Hobo started barking again - and hugged Keltie. He was clinging a little, Spencer noticed.
"So I didn’t cook this time," said Ryan from the doorway.
"Because we thought that would be kind of a damper on the evening," Keltie agreed, stepping back and straightening her shirt.
Spencer reached out for Brendon’s hand again. It was sweaty and a little cold. "I was lured here under the pretense of food," Brendon said easily. "Would that even have qualified?"
"Hobo likes it," Ryan shrugged.
"Hobo chews on Jon’s flip flops," Spencer pointed out. "And those smell like ass."
"Stop making fun of my dog," Ryan ordered, picking Hobo up. She licked his face enthusiastically. "You guys gonna come in, or what?"
Spencer squeezed Brendon’s hand. "Yeah," he said. "What do you think we’re here for?"
--
"I can’t believe I’m getting married in three months," said Keltie. "I haven’t even picked out a dress yet." She dropped her empty dessert plate on the coffee table and stretched.
"You guys settled on the beach wedding for sure?" said Spencer. "Do you need help? Can I help pick out invitations or something?"
"Oh, god, Ryan’s doing all that," said Keltie, waving her hand around. "And my friend Beth is a wedding planner, she’s gonna book everything. I can’t believe I’m getting married." Keltie leaned over and said quietly, "Do you think they’ve killed each other yet?"
Spencer craned his neck. If he got just the right angle he could see around the corner from the couch into the edge of the kitchen. Brendon was sitting on the counter - Spencer could see his sneaker kicking - and Ryan was waving his arms a little crazily. "So far no blood," he said. They were allegedly doing the dinner dishes together, at Keltie’s insistence, but Spencer was the tiniest bit worried since there was no water running.
Keltie turned the volume on the TV down a little. "He really loves him, you know?" she said.
"They’re both idiots," said Spencer.
"He wakes me up in the middle of the night and says ‘G major!’ in this really excited voice," said Keltie. "And I say, ‘Okay, honey,’ and he looks all disappointed that I don’t offer to play the kazoo or something."
Spencer snickered. "Brendon tries to pick fights with me over what I’m wearing," he said. "Like I give a fuck what I’m wearing."
Keltie wrapped her arm around Spencer’s and put her head on his shoulder. "Sometimes I just want to shake them both. Or lock them in a basement somewhere. After I’ve shaken them."
"You’re the one who’s marrying Ryan," Spencer laughed.
Keltie punched him lightly. "You’ve been friends with him since you were babies; like you can talk." She paused. "And you and Brendon…" she said, a little hesitantly.
"We’re not getting married any time soon," said Spencer.
"Well, you just started dating," Keltie said.
Spencer shrugged. "I like him a lot," he said. "But he’s… I wouldn’t even joke about a one-month anniversary, you know, I think he’d flip."
"High strung," said Keltie. "I know all about that."
There was a thump from the kitchen, and then Brendon yelled, "Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ryan."
"Well, I do!" Ryan yelled back.
"Yeah, well, when I want advice on my album I’ll ask!"
"I wasn’t giving advice, I was just pointing out-"
"Who asked you?"
"I was just trying to help!"
Spencer was squeezing Keltie’s hand a little bit, and both of them were kind of holding their breath. He looked at her and she rolled her eyes and they both stifled a laugh.
"Oh, come on," Brendon said finally, a lot quieter.
"You went off and did this thing," said Ryan. "And you didn’t even let us… And I just wanted to… I don’t know. Be part of it."
There was a longer silence from the kitchen. "I bet they’re hugging," whispered Keltie. "Try and look casual."
"Why should we look casual?" Spencer asked, as she flipped the volume back up.
Ryan and Brendon came into the living room. They weren’t hugging, but they also weren’t standing as far apart as humanly possible, which was an improvement. Brendon shoved his hands in his pockets. "Thanks for dinner," he said, because everyone was just staring at each other, and he hated that.
"Thanks for coming," said Keltie. "You guys are in town for a while, right? We’re gonna see more of you?"
Brendon shrugged, and Ryan poked him in the shoulder. "Yeah, it’s kind of hard to keep Spencer away," Brendon said.
"Asshole," said Ryan.
Brendon grinned at him. "Look who’s talking," he said.
There was a lot of hugging good bye, and Ryan and Brendon even managed a one-armed almost-hug. Spencer wasn’t proud, exactly, but he did feel relieved. Ryan and Brendon were both kind of idiots, and Spencer didn’t need to live through another "I’m not speaking to him" cold war, or worse, a full-on screaming match with shit being thrown at each other. Brendon always ended up in tears and Ryan always ended up locking himself in a room, and Spencer hated trying to talk them both down.
"That wasn’t so bad, right?" said Spencer in the car. "I can give you a ride back to your place, if you want."
Brendon leaned over from the passenger seat and kissed him. He didn’t have his seatbelt on yet, but the angle was still kind of weird. Brendon tilted his head and wrapped one arm around Spencer’s neck, and his other hand found Spencer’s free hand, sitting on the bench seat between them. Brendon curled his fingers through Spencer’s.
"Was it that bad?" asked Spencer.
Brendon’s hand tightened over his. "I hate disappointing him," he said.
"You didn’t. Or, shit, you just surprised him," said Spencer. "He’s Ryan, he hates surprises, he gets mean."
"He’s always mean," Brendon complained.
"Well, you always surprise him," Spencer said.
Brendon kissed him again. It wasn’t as frantic or energetic as Spencer had come to expect from Brendon, just a long, slow kiss, like Brendon was testing something. He was still holding Spencer’s hand.
"Hey," said Spencer. "You wanna go to my place? We can make popcorn with m&ms, and you still haven’t watched the new Batman movie."
"Yeah," said Brendon. "Okay."
"So then, you have to get back in your seat," Spencer pointed out.
"Whatever, you drive like my grandma," Brendon said, but he moved back over to the passenger side and pulled on his seatbelt. He managed it without letting go of Spencer’s hand, though.
--
"Where’s your phone charger?" Brendon asked.
Spencer stared at him for a minute. "Those are my pajamas," he said.
"My phone is dying, I need to plug it in," said Brendon, and yawned.
"You know how I know?" Spencer asked. "Because they’re like, seventeen sizes too big for you."
Brendon glared at him a little. "I can’t tell if you’re calling yourself fat or me shrimpy, and either way you can shut up," he said.
Spencer reached for Brendon’s shirt and tugged him over to the couch. Brendon made a pouty face, as if he didn’t really want to get pulled down, but he came pretty willingly. "Your house is fifteen minutes away, if you need clothes," said Spencer. There was something light and fluttery in his chest, and he wasn’t sure why. "You know that, right? You could just go home and get pajamas?"
"You assume I own pajamas," Brendon pointed out. "And I don’t. Well. Except the ones with the cats on them that my mom got me for Christmas last year. But those are only for when I go home."
"You have pajamas with cats on them? Do they have feet?"
Brendon scowled a little. "No," he said. "But if she could find them in my size I would." He yawned again and leaned into Spencer’s shoulder. "You don’t really mind me borrowing your clothes, right?"
"I’ve known you for way too long to believe you’re ‘borrowing’ anything," Spencer said. He tugged on Brendon’s hair a little. "I’m never getting them back."
"But you don’t actually mind?"
"Nah," said Spencer. "Keep the pajamas."
Brendon kept yawning. "It’s not like they fit," he said. His voice was getting a little blurry. "I wouldn’t keep them. Except they smell like you."
Spencer’s breath caught in his chest. It took him three tries to get enough voice to say, "God, you’re a weirdo. Smelling other people’s clothing."
"Mmm," Brendon agreed. "I’m gonna fall asleep on you."
Spencer shrugged. "Just don’t drool," he said.
Brendon made a snuffly noise against his shoulder and didn’t say anything else.
--
Brendon left his stuff fucking everywhere in Spencer’s apartment. Spencer was getting really tired of tripping over CD cases and plugs for amps and sneakers left lying around. Spencer secretly liked it, because it meant Brendon was coming back at some point. Of course, he always had, they were friends, but this was different. It was nice. Especially because after three weeks of awesomeness, Brendon had been really weird for a few days, not answering his phone or replying to Spencer’s texts.
Ryan said, "Didn’t you expect him to get bored eventually?" and it stung.
"No," said Spencer, stupidly. "Shut up. He’s not bored, he’s just… I don’t know what he’s doing."
"Brendon’s got a really short attention span," said Ryan.
"Yeah, but not for me," Spencer insisted, and hung up on Ryan.
He waited six days and then texted Brendon ud better b dead. Spencer tried to distract himself with Jon’s latest video of Paz, taking adorable, unsteady steps around the apartment.
Not dead, busy, Brendon texted back.
Spencer couldn’t decide if it was lamer to demand to know what Brendon was doing or to ignore him. It had been a really, really good three weeks since they’d gotten back. At least, Spencer had thought so.
Busy doing what? Spencer texted, because he didn’t want to nag, but he couldn’t stop himself from being upset. Next sneaker i trip over im throwing away.
Ud better not!!!!!!! Brendon replied immediately. u shoe snob. Tty 2moro, promise.
Ok, Spencer texted back. He wanted to add something cute and funny, but there was a block of ice in his stomach. He turned his phone off and a basketball game on cable up super loud and fell asleep on the couch.
--
Brendon burst in while Spencer was heating up lunch. His mom had left him a bunch of frozen lasagnas and Spencer had spent enough time on the road to appreciate home-cooked food, even if it was reheated.
"I was talking to Pete, don’t be mad, I have plans," said Brendon, all in one breath. He kissed Spencer hello, crowding him back against the counter until Spencer was having trouble breathing, because he had the fridge against his back and Brendon pressed against his front.
"Why would I be mad?" Spencer asked, trying to make Brendon back off a step so they could talk, but Brendon was clingy and demanding, and already had one hand down Spencer’s jeans.
"Less talking, I missed you," said Brendon.
"Well then you could have been around," said Spencer, feeling a little grumpy. The microwave beeped, and he shoved Brendon off. "You’re interrupting my lunch."
Brendon put his hands on his hips. "You’d rather have me than lunch, right?" he said.
Spencer bit back Lunch never disappears for days on end, because it was petty. "What’ve you been planning with Pete?" he asked. "Am I gonna have to arrange a détente between you and Ryan again?"
"I’ll make it worth your while," said Brendon, which was as good as an admission of guilt. He pressed himself up against Spencer’s back, and god it was hard to concentrate on not burning his fingers when Spencer could feel Brendon every time he moved. "Spencer," Brendon said, in his mildly obnoxious wheedling voice. He wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist. "Don’t be mad at me."
"I’m not mad at you," said Spencer. He stopped to check and see if it was true, and it mostly was; he was annoyed that Brendon didn’t think he was important enough to keep in touch, but he was glad Brendon was back.
"Good," said Brendon. He leaned up on his tip toes and bit Spencer’s ear.
Spencer took a deep breath, because he was not going to get distracted. Seriously. "So what’s your big plan with Pete?" he asked.
"You’re supposed to let me do this first," said Brendon. He was undoing the button fly on Spencer’s jeans with one hand.
"Uh uh, I want to hear your plans," said Spencer. "When you get like this it’s always bad news." It killed him a little bit, but he grabbed Brendon’s wrist and pushed it firmly away. He turned around without letting go. "C’mon, spill."
Brendon tried pouting, which Spencer was definitely immune to. He tugged but Spencer had a good hold of his arm, and he had a feeling if he let go things would get distracting again. "Aww," said Brendon, batting his eyes a little bit. "You missed me while I was gone?"
"Of course I did," said Spencer, starting to get seriously annoyed. "What the fuck, Brendon. Stop changing the subject, you brought it up."
Brendon sighed. "Fine. Can I have my hand back?"
"No," said Spencer. He walked over to the living room couch, dragging Brendon with him. "Sit. Talk."
Brendon was tapping his free fingers against his knee like he was playing a piano solo. "Okay, the thing is, I was talking to Pete," he said, a little too fast. "And I don’t know if you’re gonna be mad, I bet Ryan will be." He shrugged a little bit about the apparent futility of understand Ryan Ross. "Pete thinks it’s a good idea, though, and so do I, and I’d be back before the wedding."
Spencer was usually willing to let Brendon wind down and start making sense, but he was about three times more keyed up than Spencer had seen him in months. Maybe after lunch they could smoke up, and Brendon could relax a little. "So?" said Spencer.
"So I’m going on another tour," said Brendon. Spencer’s hand closed a little tighter around his wrist. "Not opening this time. Well, opening, but not first opener, third, right before Jolene, you know, Patrick’s Jolene? Pete thinks it’d be good."
Brendon wanted to leave again. Spencer’s stomach sank. No wonder he’d been gone, he was avoiding Spencer, he’d been trying to find a nice way to tell him that he was leaving. "Oh," said Spencer.
Brendon bit his lip worriedly. "I’m not quitting the band," he said. "We’re not doing anything until at least after Ryan gets married, and I can’t just sit around, I’ll go crazy, even with you. And I know I’m not as much fun as Ryan, and I’m not as funny as Ryan, and I’m not Ryan fucking Ross, but Spencer-" Brendon surged forward, climbing onto Spencer’s lap, holding Spencer’s shirt with both hands. "Please," said Brendon, and kissed him.
Spencer had no idea what Brendon was asking. "If you wanna tour, tour," he said unhappily. "Ryan’ll deal."
"No," said Brendon, "I mean, please come with me." He rocked his hips forward and Spencer bit back a gasp. Brendon used it as an excuse to kiss him again, hot and messy, tongue in Spencer’s mouth and his free hand fumbling with Spencer’s fly. Spencer couldn’t breathe, Brendon was pressed so closely against him. "I know I don’t have a million years of best friend-ness," Brendon said, "But I’ll make it worth your while, I swear I will."
Spencer laughed and pushed Brendon back a little again. "Are you trying to bribe me?" he said.
Brendon looked a little confused. "If it’ll help," he said.
Spencer sat up straighter. "You’re serious."
"It’s lonely, and I’ll miss you. If I have Zack I won’t need you around, but I still want you around, and I want you to want to be around," Brendon started. "I know bunk sex sucks but there are hotel nights, and I will totally do shit you’ve only seen in porn-"
"Oh my god," said Spencer. "You’re serious."
"What?" said Brendon.
Spencer stood up so fast he almost dropped Brendon on the floor. "You’re whoring yourself out so you won’t have to be lonely on the road," he said, and he couldn’t help the accusatory note in his voice.
"Fuck you," said Brendon. "I was just trying to convince you-"
"And you couldn’t just ask me?"
Brendon crossed his arms. "I did, you looked all horrified."
"I thought you were going without me!" Spencer almost-yelled.
"It’s not my fault you don’t understand me!" Brendon yelled right back.
"You’re supposed to make plans like this with me because I’m your boyfriend and you want me around," Spencer snapped.
Brendon stared at him, open-mouthed. Then he took a deep breath and said coldly, "I don’t remember deciding you were my boyfriend. You did that without me, huh?"
It hurt, so Spencer didn’t think before he said, "Well, maybe if you were around, or answered your phone-"
"I’m not your son or your pet," said Brendon. "I don’t need checking up on."
"Then I guess you’re not my anything," said Spencer meanly. "Go find someone who’s willing to overlook what a screw up you are because you’re a good fuck. That’s what you wanted me to do, right?"
"Fuck you," said Brendon, voice shaking, and stormed out.
--
There had been a point during high school when Ryan would show up at Spencer’s house with his backpack and a frown, throw himself on Spencer’s family couch, and refuse to say anything about why he was there for days at a time. Of course, Spencer usually knew, because Ryan wasn’t actually that hard to figure out, but his parents had learned to be patient and let Ryan tell them what was going on at his own pace.
That was why Spencer didn’t feel too ridiculous showing up at Ryan’s house and stomping over to the couch, ignoring all of Keltie’s well-meaning questions. "Did something happen?" she asked, holding Hobo, who was licking her worriedly. "Is everything okay?"
"No," said Spencer. He flipped on the TV and ignored her and waited for his stomach to stop feeling like it was filled with lava all the time.
Ryan got home a couple of hours later and Spencer could hear them talking about him in the kitchen, but he didn’t try to listen. If Ryan pushed, Spencer was going to punch him.
Ryan walked out and sat down on the couch. Spencer deliberately turned the volume on the remote up a few bars. Someone on screen was explaining how to make a soufflé.
Spencer waited, but Ryan didn’t say anything. Spencer’s shoulders ached from being angry all night.
Eventually Ryan said, "I’m thinking white and green centerpieces on the tables. Keltie wants a nature theme."
"How are you going to have centerpieces at the beach?" Spencer asked automatically.
Ryan frowned. "You think I could do, like, sandcastles?"
"Sandcastle centerpieces?" said Spencer doubtfully. "How would that work?"
"I don’t know, every table could have a little castle on it. And instead of name cards there could be little flags."
"You are planning the very lamest wedding ever," said Spencer.
Ryan smiled happily. "Yeah," he said. "Maybe starfish. Since we’re at the beach."
"Animal cruelty."
"Hmmm." Ryan hesitated. "Is there anything non-wedding related you want to tell me?"
Spencer crossed his arms. "No," he said flatly.
"Okay. Then you wanna help me choose flower arrangements? I have a whole book."
"Give it here," Spencer sighed.
Ryan lit up. "Okay, see these on page twelve?" he said. "I was thinking like that, but way less twee."
"You love twee," said Spencer.
"Your mom loves twee," said Ryan, and Spencer finally managed to relax a little.
--
Brendon didn’t call and apologize. Spencer dealt with it.
"You are really grumpy," said Keltie, poking him in the nose.
Sometimes she was too much for Spencer. "Ehhh," he said, waving her off.
"I’m going to a dress fitting. You wanna come?"
"No," said Spencer.
"The store has this cool thing where I can try it on and Cassie can see me in Chicago. You’re sure you don’t wanna come?" Spencer stared at her. Keltie shrugged. "If you actually fuse to my couch," she said, "You have to buy me a new one. Bye." She kissed his cheek and left.
Spencer had spent way more time on their couch over the fall, he didn’t know what she was talking about. It had only been three days.
Ryan was out walking Hobo, and when he got back he sighed a little. Hobo jumped up on the couch and Spencer petted her absently with one hand.
"Let me just get this out of the way," said Ryan. "I told you so. Okay, I feel better."
"You did not," said Spencer. "This is not… You have no idea what happened."
Ryan came over and moved Hobo off the couch so he could sit down. She jumped back up on his lap. "You ever going to tell me?" he asked.
"We had a fight," said Spencer. "That’s all."
Ryan hummed a little to himself, which was incredibly annoying. "Three days is kind of a serious fight. Do I need to go find him and punch him in the nose? I will, you know. You were my friend first. But then I’ll probably have to punch you, too, because he’s my friend. So brace yourself."
"You couldn’t punch a grandma," said Spencer.
"I’m morally opposed to grandma punching," said Ryan. "That’s different. I have no problem punching idiots."
Spencer slid down against the back of the couch a little. "He’s planning a new tour," he said, because he knew that would make Ryan mad.
Ryan nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Pete called me. How come you two never tell me anything? I’m always having to hear from people."
"Aren’t you mad?"
"A little. But that’s not what you’re fighting about," said Ryan.
"He was stupid about it," said Spencer. Ryan waited. "He was like… I don’t know, he didn’t want me to come with him. Or he did, I guess, but he was a fucktard about it, he couldn’t like… He didn’t want…" Spencer made a frustrated noise and punched his fist against the couch.
Ryan frowned. "You didn’t want to go with him?"
"He acted like…" Spencer didn’t know how to explain this to Ryan. "He acted like the only reason I’d possibly want to go with him was to have sex. Ryan, he offered up sex like it was… Like he didn’t know we’ve been dating for a couple of months already, like it didn’t matter."
"Don’t freak out," said Ryan. "But yeah, that sounds like Brendon."
"Well, it shouldn’t!" Spencer yelled. "I’m not some guy he met and fucked on tour."
There was a long silence in the living room. Ryan didn’t say anything, just looked at Spencer.
"Maybe it means more to you than it does to him," said Ryan quietly.
Spencer flinched. "I don’t think so," he said. "I… I really don’t, Ry."
"Then why did he say that?" asked Ryan.
"I don’t know," said Spencer, running a frustrated hand through his hair. "Because he’s a moron. Because he’s Brendon."
"So if he’d just said he was lonely and he wanted you to go, you’d have gone?" Ryan asked.
"Yes, of course," said Spencer. "Obviously."
Ryan hummed again and fiddled with the buttons on his cuff. "Maybe Brendon didn’t think so."
"He could have asked. I told him I wasn’t kidding around, I told him I was serious."
"But I think serious might mean something different to Brendon," said Ryan. "Like… I think for him, this is serious. He’s still around two months later. He asked you to go with him, however fucked up his invitation was."
Spencer shook his head. "But it was totally fucked up," he said. "He should know me better than this."
"Maybe you should go tell him that," said Ryan quietly.
Spencer tipped his head back against the couch and tried to ignore him.
"I mean," Ryan continued, "I get that sulking is fun and all. Don’t let me stop you."
"Shut up," said Spencer.
"It’s just, he’s leaving soon, right? And you should talk to him before that."
Spencer turned his head and glared. "It’s not supposed to be this hard," he said.
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Do you hear me not saying ‘I told you so’ again? Because it’s getting kind of difficult to resist."
"I hate you," said Spencer.
Ryan laughed and went to feed Hobo.
--
Spencer found himself on Brendon’s doorstep for the second time in a month, and it wasn’t any more fun with practice. He knocked and rubbed his hands against his jeans, because they were inexplicably sweaty.
Brendon didn’t answer. Spencer wasn’t shocked. He knocked again and yelled, "I know you’re home. Shane said so!" Shane was a convenient guy to have around, because Brendon would do just about anything to avoid a confrontation.
It still took a few minutes. The door opened and Brendon crossed his arms, jaw set in a grumpy line. "I’m packing," he said. "I don’t want to talk to you."
He looked tired and pale and his cheekbones were sharper than Spencer remembered. "Too bad," said Spencer. "We need to talk."
"I’m pretty sure you can’t beat calling me a whore," said Brendon. "Why bother trying?"
Spencer said, "You want to do this here?"
One of the keys to fighting with Brendon was knowing which manners from his childhood he hadn’t been able to shake. Inviting people in was one of his weaknesses. He didn’t want to, it was all over his face, but he shoved the door open. "Fine," he said. "You can watch me pack."
Spencer followed Brendon up the stairs. "When does the tour start?" he asked.
"I’m leaving Friday." Brendon’s apartment looked like a tornado had been through; there was clothing everywhere. He wasn’t normally the world’s neatest guy, but his living room was currently knee-deep in t-shirts and towels and hoodies.
"That’s soon," said Spencer. His throat hurt.
Brendon glared. "Not soon enough."
"You and Jolene will have fun," said Spencer awkwardly.
"Yeah, I’m gonna fuck her, and then I thought maybe I’d fuck some techs, and then, for good measure, I’ll try and fuck Zack," Brendon snapped. "What do you want, Spencer?"
"I want you to be my boyfriend," said Spencer.
Brendon froze.
"When I said serious… I meant boyfriends serious," said Spencer awkwardly. "I like you. I like dating you. I don’t know if you missed that, maybe. But I want to go with you, and I want you to think that I’ll come. Just because you ask. Just because I… I want to."
Spencer felt horrible, like he’d ripped out his guts and left them all over Brendon’s floor on top of all the mess. And Brendon was just standing there, staring at him.
"I shouldn’t have called you that," Spencer said. "I was mad. I don’t want to be just some guy you’re sleeping with."
Brendon sat down on the couch. He put one hand on his temple like he had a headache. "It was fine the way it was," he said. "Why does it have to be… Why do you need a name for it?"
"Because you acted like we weren’t," said Spencer.
Brendon asked warily, "What does that mean, boyfriends? I was trying, Spencer. I don’t know what else you want from me."
"I want that," said Spencer. "I just want… I don’t want you to think I’m going to ditch you for Ryan. I want you to call me if you’re going to be away with Pete. I want you to trust that I want to be around."
"But…" said Brendon, and stopped.
Spencer shrugged awkwardly. "If you don’t… I mean. I guess it’s a lot. I really like you, though."
That was it, that was literally everything he could think of to say.
Brendon sighed and leaned forward, hiding his face. He took a couple of deep breaths. Spencer could see his shoulders rising and falling.
"This really freaks me out," said Brendon quietly.
"It’s just me," said Spencer.
Brendon laughed and looked up again. "You say that."
"You’ve known me for like, ten years. How scary can I possibly be?" asked Spencer.
"Terrifying," Brendon assured him. He stood up again. "Okay, listen," he said. "I’m going on tour on Friday. Would you like to come along and be my boyfriend?"
"Yeah," said Spencer, smiling.
"And I absolutely promise not to have sex with you," Brendon went on, grinning a little.
"Whoa, wait," said Spencer. "I never said-"
"Because I’m new to the whole boyfriends thing, but I guess it involves a lot of chastity," Brendon went on.
Spencer picked up a t-shirt off the floor and threw it at Brendon. "You’re an ass," he said.
"One of many parts of me you will not be enjoying this tour," said Brendon fake-sadly.
Spencer tackled him. It seemed like the fastest way to win that particular argument.
--
Ryan called and said, "You have to have dinner with us before you go. I promise not to cook."
Spencer replied, "Yeah, I’ll see, whatever." Then he used his most devastating pouty look on Brendon.
Brendon rolled his eyes and sighed really hard. "You’ve been practicing that. You fucking cheater."
"Not my fault you peaked too soon," said Spencer smugly. "You gave away all your best tricks the week I met you."
"You wish," said Brendon. He did what he probably thought was a sexy little dance, and Spencer started laughing.
"That’s not - Oh my god, put those away," he said pleadingly, as Brendon wiggled his hips.
"Putty in my hands," said Brendon, shimmying.
Spencer said, "Whatever you say. Are you done packing? We’re going to Ryan’s for dinner."
"Not yet," said Brendon. "You’re lucky I’m so accommodating."
"Yeah," said Spencer, grinning. "I’m real lucky."
--
Ryan had wedding scrapbooks. Spencer had seen them all, but Brendon hadn’t. "Aren’t you supposed to make these afterwards, with photos and old napkins and stuff?" asked Brendon doubtfully.
"This is a planning scrapbook," said Ryan patiently. "See this? This is the beach at sunset. That’s where we’re getting married."
"Barefoot," said Keltie.
"We were going to ride horses," said Ryan.
"No," said Keltie to Spencer. "We were never going to ride horses."
"But then we decided that’d be unnecessarily complicated," Ryan explained happily. "There will be a little tent, and we’ll get married at right at the beach, and then we go back to this resort I rented. See the pictures? That’s where we’ll dance."
Brendon nodded and tapped a drum rhythm on the kitchen table. "Okay, okay," he said. "That sounds really nice. Are there going to be costumes, or can we show up in bathing suits?"
"Keltie has a dress," said Ryan, frowning for a second. "I haven’t seen it though."
"You will," Keltie promised, and kissed him.
Brendon looked at Spencer and rolled his eyes. Spencer put his hand on top of Brendon’s before the drumming could get out of control and knock over a dish or something. Brendon grinned at him.
"You guys are going to wear suits," said Ryan. "Matching suits. Sea foam suits."
Brendon made a gagging noise. Spencer kicked him and tried not to laugh. "Sea foam," said Spencer doubtfully. "Are they made of polyester? Will they have ruffly cravats, too?"
Ryan’s eyes lit up. "Oh my god," he said. "We could have a beach disco theme."
"We really, really couldn’t," said Keltie.
Brendon laughed so hard Spencer was genuinely worried he might choke. When he calmed down he managed, "Ryan Ross, I am really glad I know you."
Ryan smiled. "Me, too. That’s why I’ve decided to forgive you," he said. He sounded amazingly earnest.
Brendon went kind of still. "Huh," he said. "Yeah?"
"I should have expected it," said Ryan. "And I should have been less of a dick about it."
"Yeah," said Brendon. "You should have."
Spencer poked him in the leg.
"What?" Brendon said, a little flatly. "I don’t think I actually did anything I need to get forgiven for."
"He didn’t mean it like that," said Spencer.
"You don’t think what you did was kind of shady?" Ryan asked, frowning.
Keltie stood up. "Not at dinner," she said. "Not when you guys are leaving in the morning. Knock it off."
Ryan and Brendon were glaring at each other. Spencer wanted to bang his head against the wall.
"I was apologizing," Ryan said, waving his hands around.
Brendon made a frustrated noise and looked at Spencer. "He was," said Spencer. "Seriously."
Brendon tapped his fingers furiously against the table for a second. Then he took a deep breath and visibly forced himself to smile. "Okay," he said. "Fine. I forgive you, too, Ryan. For being a total douche."
Ryan hesitated. "So we were both douches and we’re both forgiven," he said, like he was trying it out.
Brendon burst out laughing again. "Oh my god, we are totally hopeless," he said.
Ryan leaned back and smiled, too, his real smile. "I think we are," he agreed.
Spencer felt like a thousand pound weight was off his shoulders. "Definitely," he agreed. Under the table, Brendon hooked his ankle around Spencer’s.
--
Brendon yelled, "Zack, my man! How much did you miss me?"
Zack tipped his hand from side to side. "Eh," he said. "More than a toothache, less than a really good nap." Brendon launched himself at Zack anyway. It was less a hug and more a full-on scaling attempt, and Zack laughed and managed not to drop Brendon on his head, so it was fine.
Spencer was holding both of their suitcases a little awkwardly. He’d never been on a whole tour that wasn’t his tour, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Keltie and Cassie just came out for little visits. What had Shane done when he’d traveled with them? Had he felt awkward about it?
Shane had probably thought going on tour was just cool. Spencer, though, felt a little useless and out of place. "What?" said Brendon, letting go of Zack’s neck. He put one hand on his hip. "Spencer, what?"
Spencer hated that Brendon could be really perceptive sometimes. "Nothing," said Spencer. "I was just trying to figure out where to put our stuff. Your stuff."
"What’s up," said Zack. "How’s it goin’, merch guy?"
"Say what?" Spencer asked.
Brendon was doing his very best to look innocent, and he always overshot by about a thousand percent. "I told Zack you’d sell merch. I thought maybe you’d be bored," said Brendon. "You need things to do. My mom says idle hands are the devil’s playground." He beamed.
"You have merch?" Spencer asked.
"Well, I have CDs," said Brendon. "And three wicked ugly t-shirts." He hesitated. "If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, seriously, I don’t mind, I just thought you might be kind of…" He waved his hand. "At loose ends."
Spencer’s throat hurt. "Yeah, I--" he started, and then looked at Zack, and decided this was not the time for heartfelt declarations of affection. He cleared his throat instead. "Dude, you’re supposed to be my sugar daddy. You go out and work, I lie around and look pretty. Wasn’t that the deal?"
Brendon started giggling. "That’s cool with me," he said. "Let me know when you’re feeling pretty, dude, I’ll pooooooour some suuuuugar on youuu." He was singing before he got to the end of the sentence, and Spencer rolled his eyes, because now he was going to have to hear that song for days.
"If I don’t get a hug pretty soon, I’m gonna get bitchy," said Zack.
"God forbid," said Spencer, dropping their suitcases. Zack was really big, and it was comforting having him around, looking exactly like he always did. It was also a little bit scary, because this time Brendon wasn’t messing around, he was actually, honestly going out on tour for his album, like a real solo artist.
Spencer swallowed hard and hugged Zack and tried not to think about that too much.
--
The afternoon alarm buzzer went off with a super obnoxious noise. "I’m not going," Brendon moaned. "I’m staying here."
Spencer stretched. He tried to make it look as luxurious and lazy as possible. "Your screaming public awaits," he said. "Me, on the other hand? I’m gonna take a nap."
Brendon sat up. His hair was half stuck to his head. "You’re not coming to the show?" he asked, sticking out his lower lip.
"I saw your show last night. And the night before. And the night before," Spencer pointed out. "Three nights, three shows. Dude, we have a hotel bed. I wanna nap." He closed his eyes and rolled over, pulling the blanket up over his shoulder.
"You - Spencer!" Brendon smacked him on the leg in outrage.
Spencer was working really hard not to laugh. "Can’t talk," he yawned. "Napping. Shhh."
It still took Brendon a second, because he was pretty easy when he first woke up. "Oh, you jackass," said Brendon. "You’re getting up." He yanked on the blanket, and Spencer yanked back. Brendon snuck a hand under the blanket and poked Spencer in the waist, right where he knew Spencer was ticklish.
Spencer swore and rolled over again. "Dirty cheater," he said, grabbing for Brendon’s hand.
Brendon beamed at him. "Yup," he said proudly. "So you’d better - Ack, Spencer!" And then he didn’t say anything, because Brendon was about a thousand times more ticklish than Spencer was, and Spencer knew exactly where. Brendon kicked kind of uselessly, because Spencer had already rolled on top of him, pinning him with a knee on his arm. He had to use one hand to keep Brendon from rolling up in a ball while he laughed, breathless and helpless and batting at Spencer’s leg.
"You started it," said Spencer, digging his fingers in to Brendon’s ticklish elbow. Brendon shrieked and flailed and almost hit Spencer in the face. Spencer caught his wrist and pressed it down against the bed. "Watch your hands," he said.
Brendon took a couple of long, hiccupping breaths. "Not my fault," he said. His chest was heaving between Spencer’s thighs. "You… You deserve it."
"Yeah?" said Spencer. He slid backwards a little bit, so he had more room to move. "Is that so?" He leaned forward and licked Brendon along the edge of his jaw, right where he was getting a little stubbly from road laziness.
"You do," said Brendon, and then it dissolved into a happy nnnnngh noise. He tilted his head back for Spencer, arching up against him as much as he could.
"You’ll do anything to get my hands all over you," said Spencer. His hands were resting Brendon’s arms, not really holding him still anymore. He bit Brendon’s neck a little, where Brendon was twisting away to give him room. Brendon’s eyes fluttered shut with a little sigh. Spencer wanted there to be a mark on Brendon, something above his collar that all those screaming fan girls would see in their photographs when they got home tonight. He kissed Brendon and then started sucking on his neck.
"Are you trying to give me a hickey?" asked Brendon, a little disbelievingly.
"Um," said Spencer. "Maybe?" He sat up. "Is that-"
Brendon twisted, suddenly, and without quite knowing how Spencer was suddenly on the floor with Brendon on top of him. "You lose," Brendon crowed, tickling him with sudden, renewed enthusiasm. He had these little fucking fingers that were digging into the back of Spencer’s knees and the soft spot on his hip, and then, just as Spencer lost the ability to breathe, Brendon bounced to his feet.
"Gonna be late," he said, with a wicked grin.
"Don’t you dare," said Spencer, grabbing his ankle. Brendon windmilled hilariously and fell on the carpet next to him.
Brendon was laughing too hard to try and wrestle seriously; Spencer had a longer reach and he weighed more and he wasn’t going to lose. He got Brendon pinned again and said, "Seriously, dude, I’m like, thirty seconds away from snicker-snagging on you, don’t make me do it. I will."
"So sexy," Brendon giggled.
Spencer kissed him just to shut him up.
There was a minute when it was still a competition, Spencer fighting his way into Brendon’s mouth and Brendon wiggling underneath him like he might roll away again, and then all the fight went out of Brendon and his hands closed around Spencer’s arms. The tempo of their kissing changed; it went slower and lazier until it was more like breathing and less like making out.
"I should go," Brendon whispered, wigging one of his hands free so he could wrap it around Spencer’s neck.
"If you were really late, Zack would bang on the door," said Spencer. He rolled on his side, pulling Brendon around with him, tangling their legs together.
"I was late yesterday," Brendon said, rubbing his hips against Spencer’s. "He was mad."
Spencer bit him on the shoulder. It was going to leave a mark, he thought, feeling a little smug. People were going to see that later. "You really wanna go?" he asked, threading his hands through Brendon’s hair and tugging a little.
"No," said Brendon. "Not really."
--
For a few nights Spencer worked the merch table. Except eventually one of the girls lining up to get a t-shirt with Brendon’s stupid mellow album artwork on it said, "Oh my god, Spencer Smith?" and then there was a giant crowd of girls giggling and pointing and snapping pictures with their phones.
Spencer had been cool without that going on. Ryan texted, the intrnt sez ur on tur w bden.
Spencer texted back, no shit.
After that Zack told him he couldn’t go out and work merch unless someone from security was there to look after him. "They’re not here for me, they want Brendon," Spencer argued.
Zack had a really good stare. "They want you, too," he said. "Hair cookies."
"That was one time."
"Hair cookies."
Spencer sighed and gave up.
Brendon immediately started worrying that Spencer was bored; he fretted about it the whole afternoon before he went on stage. "I’m fine, I want to be here, I’m having fun," Spencer promised, and kissed him, and shoved him out to play.
Brendon bounced back afterwards, sweaty and keyed up. He hugged Spencer, which was gross, and then shook the sweat out of his hair. "I have a brilliant idea," he announced.
Zack raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"No, I do," Brendon insisted. "You want to hear it. You know you do."
"You’re getting me all gross," said Spencer, letting Brendon drag him backstage. "And you smell like a wet dog."
"Shut up," Brendon said. He grabbed a towel off the chair and used it to wipe some of the sweat off his face. His shirt was soaked through all across the back, and he started peeling out of it. "Okay, are you ready?"
"After all this build up it had better be the greatest idea anyone’s ever had," said Spencer.
"You don’t even know," Brendon assured him. He beamed. "You should play drums with me on stage!"
"No," said Spencer.
Brendon stomped his foot. "It would be so great, have you even considered -"
"No," Spencer repeated. He crossed his arms.
Jason, one of the techs, stuck his head in. "If you two are having a lover’s quarrel, shut the door," he said. "You get kind of loud before the sex."
Brendon’s mouth dropped open a little bit. "We’re not-" he said.
"Then put your shirt on," said Jason, rolling his eyes, and walked off.
Brendon sat down on the couch. Spencer waited for him to say something else about Spencer drumming with him, but he was just staring into space. "What?" said Spencer.
Brendon shrugged. "Nothing, just… Do you think everyone on the tour thinks…" He laughed, but it was a little forced. "Are we that really gross tour couple who everyone else hates?"
"Probably," said Spencer. "You grope me kind of a lot."
"You grope me," Brendon corrected automatically. He wrinkled up his nose. "I didn’t think about… Everyone. Knowing."
Spencer elbowed him until he moved over enough for Spencer to sit down, even though it meant getting all sweaty where their sides were pressed together. "You like being the center of attention," said Spencer.
Brendon shrugged again, and then tapped his fingers impatiently, and then started humming under his breath. Spencer slid his hand into Brendon’s before Brendon could distract himself and jump to his feet. "That’s different, though," said Brendon. "It’s like… People are… I don’t know."
Spencer decided not to take it personally. "It was cool when our whole tour knew you were hooking up with whoever, instead? Please tell me that’s not what you mean."
Brendon looked at him blankly for a second, and then shook his head. "What? No! How could you even think-" He leaned over and kissed Spencer, hard and fast. "No, that’s stupid. I - I like you." He shrugged again. "I just don’t know how to feel about everyone looking at us and thinking we’re all… Um…"
"Boyfriends," said Spencer.
Brendon wiggled his sneaker around on the carpet. "I like you, though," he said.
"Good," said Spencer. "I like you, too."
"Are you mad at me?" Brendon asked quietly.
Spencer rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna dump me so the techs don’t think you’re gay?" he asked.
Brendon snuggled up against him and put his head on Spencer’s shoulder. "Dunno," he said. "Is one of them way cuter than you?"
"No one who’d put up with you," said Spencer.
"Probably not, then," Brendon said.
"Good," said Spencer.
--
Spencer took a lot of stupid photos of Brendon. He didn’t get very good shots; Brendon moved around too much, and Spencer didn’t know how to make the pictures look empty and cool like Shane did. Mostly he ended up with a lot of close ups of Brendon making ridiculous faces, which the world probably already had enough of.
"Stop it," said Spencer irritably. "Can’t you just… Just stand there, like you would if I were Jon."
"We should call Jon," said Brendon. Spencer snapped a picture, but Brendon was in the middle of talking, with his mouth open and his face scrunched up. He looked like he was sneezing.
"Why do you suck so hard at this?" Spencer asked.
"You mean why do you suck so hard at this?" Brendon said. "I’m really good at getting my picture taken. I’m basically a professional."
Spencer swatted him on the arm. "The only reason we let you in the band was your stupid faces," he said. "Now stop it, come on, I want a nice picture."
"If you want a nice picture we’ll have to have someone else take it," Brendon laughed. He closed one eye and stuck out his tongue.
Spencer could have strangled him. "I give up," he said.
"Aww," said Brendon. "And I was just gonna tell Ryan to hire you for the wedding." He struck a pose, chin up and hands on his hips. "C’mon, make me pretty."
"It’s just a camera, it’s not magic," Spencer grumbled. "Why can’t you hold still?"
"You know what would be fun?" said Brendon. "If we took those rolly chairs from backstage and we skateboarded on them. I bet I could. I bet we could surf them down the stairs."
Spencer snickered. "You’d get like, two feet, and then Zack would kill you."
"Worth it," said Brendon. "I’ll make you a deal. I’ll pose for the picture if you drum with me."
"No," said Spencer.
Brendon crossed his arms sulkily. "Why not?"
"Because," said Spencer, putting the camera down. "It’s not… It’s your tour. I’m not playing."
He couldn’t tell if Brendon was play-pouting or for-real upset. "You’d be a special guest star," said Brendon. "Like if I went out and sang with Jolene."
"Except not, because I’m not playing," said Spencer. "I’m not on the tour as a musician, I’m here to hang out with you." Brendon glared at him. For-real upset, Spencer decided, and felt a little guilty.
"This is about Ryan," Brendon said.
"No, it’s about how I’m not drumming with you."
"Because Ryan would be pissed." Brendon nodded to himself. "You won’t play on stage with me because Ryan would get all upset."
"Of course he would, but it’s not about that," Spencer said. "It just feels weird."
Brendon kicked his sneaker against the wall a couple of times. "Okay, fine, I get it," he said. Spencer started to argue, but Brendon just held up his hand. "Don’t bother, dude, I know. You’re all…" He waved his hands around and then shrugged. "I’m gonna go."
"Go where?" Spencer asked. Brendon wasn’t wrong, exactly, and Spencer wished again that Brendon was as goofy and flaky as he acted most of the time.
"Jesus Christ, does being boyfriends mean you have to keep tabs on me every single second of the day?" Brendon snapped. "I’m going out! I’ll be back! Fuck!"
"I just meant-" Spencer said, but Brendon had already stomped off.
--
He found Brendon smoking in the parking lot, with Zack keeping an eye on him from a discreet distance. Actually he found Zack, standing around by the vans, and then used that to figure out where Brendon was, but whatever.
"I didn’t mean it like that," said Spencer.
"I don’t wanna talk to you right now," said Brendon.
Spencer nodded. "Okay," he said. "Just. Sorry."
Brendon watched the smoke rising from his cigarette like he was hypnotized. "I know," he said. "But normally when I’m pissed at someone I bitch to you, and I don’t think that’s gonna work this time. So can I just talk to you later?"
"We can call Jon after the show," Spencer offered.
"Yeah," Brendon said. He sank down and sat on the pavement, closing his eyes. Spencer hung around for a few minutes, but Brendon just sat there, breathing, so eventually Spencer gave up and went back to the bus and played a few rounds of Tetris on his Sidekick instead.
--
Brendon was a little subdued on stage, but he was no good at staying mad, so by the time he got done he was smiley again. "Nice set," said Spencer, a little hesitantly.
"Yeah, well, it’d have been better if I had a drummer," said Brendon, with a big just-kidding smile. "So, you have the phone? Are we calling Jon or what?"
Spencer hated it when Brendon pretended to be kidding when he bitched about stuff, but he figured letting it drop was probably the smartest move. He shrugged. "Yeah. You gonna shower?"
"He can’t smell me over the phone," Brendon complained. "Hang on, give me five minutes."
Spencer flopped on the couch in the bus, ignoring all the techs and performers walking around. He dialed Jon, who answered with, "Dude, it’s been a week!"
"Sorry. How’s it going?"
"Awesome," said Jon. "Paz has six words."
"Are any of them swear words?"
"Not yet. We’re pretty sure she’s gonna learn ‘dude’ early on, though."
"You haven’t sent pictures in a couple of days. Are you feeling okay?"
Jon laughed. "Keltie wants her to be the flower girl," he said. "I love our fucking hippie friends."
"You’re one to talk," said Spencer.
Brendon wandered out in shorts and a towel. "Is that Jon? Did you start without me?"
Spencer flipped it to speaker. "Jon was telling me that Paz is gonna be a flower girl."
"Dude!" said Brendon happily, jumping on the couch next to Spencer. "That’s awesome. People will spontaneously combust from adorable."
"He wanted Hobo to be the ring bearer," said Spencer, "but Hobo would get lost."
"Aww," said Brendon. "Poor Hobo."
"How’s the tour?" Jon asked.
Brendon said, "Awesome and amazing, Jon Walker. Of course." Spencer raised an eyebrow at him, and Brendon ignored it. "How’s being home all day? Aren’t you bored?"
"Dude," said Jon. "I have this whole family thing going on, maybe you noticed?"
Brendon went kind of still next to Spencer on the couch. "Don’t you miss it?" he asked.
"Sure," said Jon. "But I have Cass and I have Paz. Love and family, y’know? It changes things."
"But you miss us, right?" Spencer asked. He tugged on Brendon until Brendon was sitting almost in his lap. "You miss Zack, and shitty food, and never sleeping, and having no idea where you are."
"Oh man, I don’t know how I live without that," Jon laughed. "Have any more screaming fans tried to eat Brendon?"
"Not with Zack in the way," said Spencer. "He’s doing a photo shoot and a couple of interviews tomorrow."
Brendon made a face. "I don’t wanna do it by myself," he said. "They’re gonna be all up in my face. Jon, tell Spencer he has to do it with me."
"You wanted to tour, dude," said Jon. "I’m sure Spencer will do it with you after, though."
"Not funny, Jon," said Spencer.
"Not funny because it’s totally true," Brendon agreed.
"Okay, we have officially talked about you two having sex as much as I want to in this lifetime," said Jon. "Has Zack set anything on fire yet?"
"Oh man, I was riding a wheely chair down the stairs at the last venue," said Brendon. "And Zack walked by, and I thought he was going to set me on fire. Does that count?"
"Totally," said Jon. "Who wants to say hi to Paz?"
"Me!" said Brendon. "Gimme that baby."
Spencer wrapped an arm around his waist and rested his chin against Brendon’s shoulder and listened to them talk for a while.
--
Brendon was fine for the photoshoot part of the afternoon, but the interview made him twitchy and upset. Spencer could tell because he made faces and shrugged and stared at his sneakers too much.
"Do you feel more freedom without Ryan breathing down your neck?" asked the reporter, who probably meant well.
Brendon looked a little like he’d been slapped. "He didn’t - We never - No, it’s not like-" Brendon started, and then stopped and looked over where Zack and Spencer were waiting. Spencer nodded. "No," said Brendon again. "Fuck, no, I love singing Ryan’s lyrics, he has an amazing vision. This was just something I wanted to do on my own, but I can’t wait to be back, writing with Ryan and Jon and Spencer again."
"So you don’t feel like you’ve outgrown them?"
In another minute, Spencer was going to need to punch someone, but Brendon handled it. He glared a little and said, "No, fuck, how do you outgrow your best friends? What the fuck." Then he laughed, but it was his confused, annoyed laugh.
"You want me to kill anyone?" Zack said quietly. "They’ll never find the body."
"I’ll let you know," said Spencer.
Brendon got to the end of the interview and walked over, grumbling. "That was bullshit," he said. "And I made her mad, so now the interview is gonna be all ‘punk-ass soloist Brendon Urie disses his own band and has stupid hair.’ You wait."
Spencer took his hand and squeezed. "No one’s going to say that," he said.
Brendon did a fretful little flailing dance. "Ryan’s gonna be pissed."
"I’ll tell him what happened," Spencer promised. He tugged Brendon down the hall, with Zack behind them. "Can I cheer you up?"
"Come play on stage with me tonight," said Brendon. Then he laughed unhappily. "Never mind, I don’t need Ryan madder at me."
Spencer shoved him with his hip. "Stop," he said. "God. You and Ryan both, you act like it’s a competition, and I can only love one of you at a time. It drives me nuts."
Brendon stopped dead in the hallway.
It took Spencer a minute for his brain to catch up to his mouth. His hands were sweaty and his mouth was dry and his heart was pounding in his chest, but he didn’t want to take it back. "I do," said Spencer. "Just differently. You and Ryan. Both of you."
"Oh," said Brendon quietly. He didn’t let go of Spencer’s hand, and Spencer told himself that it was a good sign. "Um. Thanks?"
"You don’t have to say it back," said Spencer hastily. "I didn’t mean to - To scare you."
"Ha. You scare me," Brendon scoffed weakly. "I’m not scared."
"You look scared," said Spencer.
Brendon said, "This is my sexy face. You always get that wrong."
Spencer squeezed Brendon’s hand again. "You okay?" he asked.
Brendon nodded. "I’m fine. I’m totally fine." Behind them, Zack rolled his eyes. "I really like you," Brendon said. "You know that, right?" He stared at his sneakers.
Spencer tugged on his hand. "I know," he said.
4/4