Sun

[passingwindows]

Chapter One

Sunshine

When the sun rose on the morning of the fifteenth of November, it brought with it the startling- and to some, deeply disturbing- news that Robin Maybury was coming home.

In fact the sun’s whispers were entirely spurious: the treacherous, light-fingered lies of a day where it promises constancy, and fades all-too

Comments

[sophonica]

I really like the extended sun metaphor in the opening lines (also, hooray for spurious). There's a nice ominous note to it, as well, without it being thrust in our faces. Plus, good idea to start with a mention of what's about to become the main plot point!

You do open all your sections with 'When', though. Is it supposed to be deliberate? It feels a little awkward, is all. Also, the 'struggling to keep itself from icy stillness' agrees with the 'them' in the sentence rather than the fountain, which is a bit confusing. A removal of the comma before 'struggling' will sort that out, though.

I still have this impulse to call him Emlyn, you know - it keeps popping into my head! Poor Robin, anyway

[nightsgift]

Technically it's very well written and Sophonica has already mentioned the parts that I spotted that seemed a little odd (as well as the bits that I didn't).

It's the small things that truly make this piece. The comments and the asides really bring the characters alive. There is tension and mystery in the chapter but it's kept light by the style of writing and the characters which stop it from becoming too dark and gritty.

The interaction between Owen and Robin comes across as very natural, the teasing and conversations seem to flow very smoothly and seems to fit nicely with the characters and situations. It also conveys history very well, the two read as people who have known each other for years which is very impressive for a first chapter.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this, politics and magic are always fun.