Life and Breath Part 13
Title: Life and Breath
Author: Pink Rabbit Productions
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Part: 13
Date: 13 July, 2009
Rating: Personally, I'd call it an R, but some might consider it NC-17 at some point.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to other folks far wealthier, more important (or at least with better lawyers), and hopefully more charitable and kinder than I. They include, but are not necessarily limited to CBS, Proctor and Gamble, and Telenext. The actual arrangement of words, however, remains my own as do any original characters. Meanwhile, there is likely to be all female romantic and sexual activity ahead, so if this is likely to get you, me, or anybody else arrested should you take a gander, please move along. Also, if you find that sort of thing offensive, you really probably shouldn't hang around anyplace I'm posting. Just sayin'....
Archiving: The Pink Rabbit Consortium
Spoilers: Some early scenes definitely, plus anything through the spa trip is fair game.
Timeline: Unlike some folks, I don't have an exact scene where this one takes off. However, it's definitely set after the spa trip, but before Rafe's release from the halfway house. Oh, and it's after Natalia admits she's in love with Olivia to Father Ray.
Earlier Parts: | Part 1 (Prologue) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 |
Life and Breath
by Pink Rabbit Productions
Part 13
Squirt, polish, buff-buff-buff. Squirt, polish, buff-buff-buff.
Natalia repeated the pattern over and over until every wood surface in the farmhouse livingroom gleamed and every possible mar or scratch had been thoroughly buffed out. Thanks to her work, waxy buildup wasn't likely to be a problem for at least a decade.
Unless of course, Olivia was upstairs much longer, leaving Natalia with nothing but her rag and her Old English. If that happened, she might just put on whole new layer of waxy buildup because she'd already polished everything at least twice and was working on a third go-round when she finally heard the soft sound of a light tread on the stairs.
"Olivia?" Natalia called out softly as she rushed over to the bottom step, fingers gripping the bannister with white-knuckled strength as she peered up at the figure descending from the upper floor. Her heart caught painfully as the older woman stepped from the shadows into the light, revealing a tired expression and drawn features. "Oh, god," Natalia exhaled, terror in her eyes.
Jade eyes tipped down, finding the woman at the bottom of the stairs with unerring accuracy and Olivia immediately redoubled her pace.
"Please tell me she doesn't hate me," Natalia begged before Olivia could say a word.
"She doesn't-" Olivia assured her instantly, already halfway down.
"You were gone so long though," Natalia fretted, too nervous to let Olivia finish. "And all I could think about was how-"
Olivia reached the other woman in time to settle gentle fingers over full lips, silencing her mid-sentence. "She doesn't hate you," she said slowly and carefully, then offered a reassuring smile. "Emma loves you."
Feeling her stomach uncoil ever so slightly, Natalia drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly in an effort to release a little stress. "What happened?"
"Mostly I just sat with her...but we talked a little-"
"About?" Natalia prompted before Olivia could get another word out.
Olivia held up a hand to gain some speaking time. "Let's just slow down a little," she said, plucking the cleaning supplies out of Natalia's hands to set them aside. She gestured to the couch with the quiet command, "Sit."
"Olivia, please just-"
"Sit," Olivia repeated a little more firmly, then settled her hands on narrow shoulders to give the younger woman a solid nudge in the right direction, though not before she leaned close to a delicate ear to whisper, "It's all right."
Natalia sat, then tipped her head up, watching as Olivia took up the neighboring position on the cushions, one calf folded under her, arm across the back, expression serious. Was she trying to figure out a way to break things gently? Then a tender smile curved full lips and a little of the tension eased. She wouldn't look like that if Emma's response had nixed any hope for them.
"Why do I feel like I should tell you to put your head between your knees and breathe?" Olivia drawled wryly.
"Don't joke," Natalia pleaded. "What did she say?"
"Not a lot," Olivia admitted and saw the way Natalia flinched at the news. Lifting the arm draped across the back of the couch, she reached out to stroke the gentle curve of the other woman's jaw and cheekbone. "Listen to me...being quiet isn't bad news. It's just how she gets sometimes when she's got a lot to deal with-"
"We shouldn't have told her," Natalia fretted. "We should have just-"
"No," Olivia cut her off sharply, then deliberately softened her voice, "I've never lied to her and I'm not about to start now-"
"But you saw how she was out there. She hardly even looked at me afterward."
Scooting closer, Olivia cupped her hand along the side of Natalia's face, rhythmically smoothing the baby fine hair at her temple as she peered deeply into chocolate eyes, trying to reassure as best she could. "Look, you haven't seen it much, but she does this sometimes," she explained quietly. "Withdraws into herself to think. It's just how she works things out. It doesn't mean she's angry, just that she's piecing it together in her head."
"Are you sure?" Natalia whispered, desperately needing the other woman to ease the panic throbbing in her chest. She wasn't sure she could handle it if her relationship with the girl had been irreparably damaged. She adored Emma, truly valued her relationship with the girl, plus she knew what Olivia would do if forced to choose between anyone and her daughter.
"I'm sure," Olivia assured her, drawing Natalia's chin back up when she would have looked away. "You saw her do it with Phillip. She didn't even let on that she knew he was in town...much less that she was calling lawyers and judges and planning to testify on his behalf." Her mouth twisted into a tired smile. "My kid, she goes in silent running mode sometimes." She shrugged helplessly. "It's a little frustrating, but it's very Emma."
That was true. The girl had been disturbingly closed-mouthed about her father even as she'd done her research and planned everything out. "It's just that I... When you were gone so long, I got scared."
"I see that," Olivia breathed as she noted how every wood surface in the room glowed softly. Well, Natalia was consistent. When stressed, she cleaned. Another half hour and Olivia would have had to wear sunglasses inside. Smiling ever so slightly at the mental image, she leaned close enough that their foreheads almost touched. "But I thought it was important to take some time with her...so I got her ready for bed and then we just sat and talked," she explained, her voice low and soothing. "I told her she could ask me anything she wanted..."
"Did she have any questions?"
"A few," Olivia admitted, then continued when she saw Natalia's questioning look, "She wanted to know when it started, how it felt..."
Feeling her cheeks burn, Natalia ducked her head.
"Not...that..." Olivia muttered through her own embarrassment. "Emma's knowledge base on the sexual front is pretty simple...y'know good touches, versus bad touches, when to shout and run, and that nobody has the right to make her do anything, even if they're an adult." She'd made damn certain her daughter knew how to protect herself and what was acceptable and what wasn't. Whatever happened in her life, she wouldn't be hurt out of ignorance.
Meanwhile, Natalia's gaze had slid away and Olivia could feel her embarrassment like a living thing. "Look at me," the older woman pleaded a beat later, her breath catching when brown eyes tipped up to meet her gaze. "She wanted to know if you give me butterflies in my stomach," she explained, wanting the other woman to understand the innocence of the questions asked.
"What did you say?" Natalia questioned as she felt green eyes trace her features with enough intensity to make heart clench and her stomach roll.
That earned a poignant smile. "I told her it feels like fields of them sometimes." Olivia paused, swallowing hard. "That seemed to go over okay...then she wanted to be reassured that we hadn't lied to her...and that she has a say in things."
"Of course she does," Natalia said instantly, thinking that in reality, Emma had more power than either of the adults because she unwittingly held the ability to veto it all in her small hands.
"I know that...and you know that...but she's a kid, and it's been a long time since she's been in this position. She was so little when I was with Bill...and Buzz never lived with us." And Frank? Well, the less said about that exercise in poor judgment the better. "Despite some of the rumors about my private life...it's not like there's been a parade of men through the house during her life."
The blush returned in full force as Natalia ducked her head. "I know that," she mumbled.
"Do you?" Olivia questioned, her tone a little sharper than intended.
"Yes," Natalia said quickly, then looked up, her expression meant to reassure. "I know how you are with Emma...that you wouldn't expose her to anything you thought was inappropriate."
Mollified, Olivia relaxed considerably. "Sorry," she apologized, her voice soft and a little worn. "I didn't mean to snap. I just know some of the things people say." The town gossip where she was concerned had almost always been considerably more exciting and outrageous than the truth. Not always, perhaps, but mostly.
Natalia caught Olivia's hands in her own and used the loose hold to tug her a little closer. "Olivia, I know what kind of mother you are...how safe and loved Emma feels because of you." Disengaging a hand, she reached up to run the pad of her thumb along a soft, lower lip. "In all honesty, it's one of the things I've always admired about you."
"Even when you hated me?" Olivia snarked doubtfully before she could call the thought back. Wrong thing to say, she realized instantly as she felt a full body flinch work its way through the other woman. God, she was too tired and stressed and soothing Emma's fears had left her on edge. "I'm sorry," she tried to apologize, but it was already too late. "I shouldn't have-"
"I never hated you," Natalia denied the charge, her throat constricting until it was hard to speak.
"Well, it's not like I didn't deserve it if you did," the older woman pointed out in an effort to undo the damage she'd done with her slip of the tongue. "I was horrible to you-"
"I never hated you," Natalia repeated with added intensity. She slipped her fingers into silk hair and cupped the back of Olivia's head. "Please say you believe me."
"It's the past...it doesn't matter," Olivia whispered, wishing fervently that the sarcastic comment hadn't slipped out. It wasn't a time she liked to remember even if it had brought her one of the most precious things in her life.
"It matters," the younger woman disagreed, the words coming on the edge of a sharp exhalation as though they'd been driven from her by a harsh blow. Clearly, Olivia didn't trust her to be entirely honest on this front. Her hand tightened where it was threaded through dark silk. Working on instinct, she pulled the other woman closer. "You were alone and you were scared...and even if you did some things that..." She paused as she hunted for the right words, only to finally settle on the relatively neutral, "...caused problems...you never did anything to deserve hatred...never." Guilt glittered in dark eyes as she remembered her own actions. "If anyone deserved-"
"No," Olivia broke in, her voice low but obdurate, instinctively knowing where Natalia was headed and unwilling to allow that pain back into their lives. She searched dark eyes, willing the other woman to see all the things she felt. "None of that matters."
"But I-"
"You gave me a heart," Olivia interrupted intently as she turned her palm under exploring fingers to catch a fine-boned hand in her own and carry it to her chest. "And I don't just mean this one." She raised her other hand, mimicking Natalia's position as she skimmed her fingers into a thick fall of chestnut hair on the way to cupping the back of the younger woman's head. "No one else would have done what you did...particularly for me. You pulled me back from the brink...yelled at me and fought me...and cared for me." It still amazed her sometimes, that Natalia had been able to care for the woman she'd been then. She pressed closer, intensely aware of the heat of soft breath on her skin. "You made me believe again... that there's decency and kindness in the world... You love my daughter...and somehow you've found a way to love me..." The whispered words trailed into the softest of kisses, a bare brush of lips so soft it was a mere ghost of contact, and yet it carried with it every bit of love and tenderness one human being can possibly feel.
Natalia gasped softly, then moaned, her breath flowing over the lips that just barely touched. She tightened her hold on silky hair and spread her fingers against the warm plane of Olivia's chest, absorbing the heat and strength of her, feeling the delicate thud of her heart and the deepening cadence of her breathing.
It seemed to go on forever, soft, silky, and barely there, and at the same time, a universe all its own.
Finally, Olivia broke the kiss, pulling back ever so slightly to stare down into mahogany eyes. "You're everything to me," she vowed when she regained her breath to speak.
Overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of emotion swirling around them, Natalia sank back, pulling Olivia with her until their collapse was halted by the arm of the couch pressing into her back.
Groaning, Olivia fell into welcoming curves, trembling gently as their bodies met and meshed. A slim thigh rose, riding along the outer curve of her hip as legs tangled and mouths met again, firmer this time, real kisses, not romantic teases. Kisses that roamed and changed angles in the search for more as flesh pressed together until it was hard to tell where one person ended and the next began. Low groans swirled in the air around them as bodies began a gentle dance of point/counterpoint, playing with each other in that first erotic flush.
Wrapped in layers of emotion and sensation, Natalia couldn't contain the urge to arch into the body above her own. Heart hammering in her chest, she tightened her fingers on the cool silk caught in her grasp and slipped the hand at Olivia's chest around to the small of her back, hauling her closer with almost desperate strength.
The opening strains of Ravel's Boléro playing an erotic concert in her head, Olivia lost her hold on silky hair as she shifted her hand to brace it on the arm of the couch. With a little leverage gained, she dropped her other hand to curl her fingers loosely around and under the jean clad thigh pressed against her hip, settling in and riding with the slow, rolling motion of the woman beneath her.
This was sex, only the beginning phase, the barest leading edge, but it had passed a mental and physical marker. Their bodies were more than a little ready, hot and excited and trembling, while their hearts and minds were lost in the moment.
Drinking in Natalia's soft moan, Olivia exhaled her own longing groan into the blending of mouths. Suddenly, she understood why they'd both held off for so long, not touching in anything but the most innocent of ways.
Because of this.
One kiss the night before, and a few more tonight and they were both suddenly hormones with feet who couldn't keep their hands off each other and were prone to become so wrapped up, aroused, and utterly buried in each other that they were on the verge of making love on the livingroom couch.
With Emma upstairs.
Oh, damn.
"We can't," Olivia groaned as she tore her mouth free and buried her face in the curve of Natalia's shoulder. Her body heaving, she drew in deep, gasping breaths in the effort to calm her raging hormones. "Not here." Maybe not at all-at least not yet-but definitely not here.
Natalia whimpered, instinctively arching toward more contact, only to suddenly parse the meaning of the other woman's words.
God, Olivia was right. They had to stop.
Breathing hard, as though she'd run miles, Natalia collapsed back into the cushions, her body aching in ways she'd barely known were even possible. Quick tremors that ran over the surface of her skin while her heart beat a raging tempo and there was a deep, pulsing throb at the very core of her. A few seconds later, she felt the loss as the hand cupping her thigh trailed upward to find solid purchase at the base of the couch arm before pushing to gain a little distance between them. "Olivia?" she exhaled at last.
"Please don't take this as a lack of interest," the older woman mumbled, her voice dazed and muffled against the warmth of Natalia's shoulder. "Because, believe me, it's not."
"Even I'm not that naive," the younger woman exhaled, then shivered as soft laughter warmed her skin.
Pushing up a little farther, Olivia lifted her head up to stare down into what seemed like absolute perfection to her. She could spend the rest of her life like this and be a happy woman. Which brought her to Emma's final question-the one she hadn't managed to mention before and which she suddenly desperately wanted to discuss.
Muscles pulling taut, Olivia pushed up onto her knees and wound up kneeling between slim thighs, not out of any plan, but just because it happened that way. Sitting back on her heels, she peered down at the other woman. "You know where this was headed?" she said after a moment, her tone making it both a statement and a question.
Natalia smiled, though there was nervousness in her eyes. "Once again...even I'm not that naive."
Catching one of Natalia's hands in her own, Olivia tangled their fingers together, clinging to the sweet bond between them. She sat and watched the other woman, seeing the fresh tension enter her muscles and the way passion was replaced by worry in her eyes. Finally, she murmured, "You're not ready, are you?"
White teeth found and gnawed on a full lower lip. Not a simple question. Caught in the throes of passion, Natalia had been more than ready, but now, calmer and thinking again, the physical desire was still there, still pleasure so intense it verged on pain, but something held her back. Fear perhaps or maybe just a longstanding sense of certain moral rules that she still feared breaking, if not one way, then another. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's not that I don't want you," she said, hating the flicker of insecurity she saw gleaming in green eyes. "I do...more than I know how to express..." She fell silent for a long moment, staring up at Olivia as though she could perhaps divine the secrets of the universe hidden in jade eyes. "I just..." she trailed off, not knowing how to express a lifetime of beliefs and training and how they affected her view of things. "It's complicated," she said at last.
Not exactly what Olivia wanted to hear, but not unexpected either. She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly to calm her nerves. "Which brings me to one other thing that Emma asked about," she said haltingly, the words coming in unevenly paced bursts, "that might have some...bearing...on this conversation...maybe."
Arched brows drew together in a hint of a frown. "Okay," Natalia said a little cautiously.
Glass green eyes tipped down to touch on their twined hands. Olivia dragged in another deep breath and released it on a ten count, mentally envisioning the stress leaving with the air. And what idiot had come up with that idea, she wondered, because it didn't do a damn bit of good. "Here's the thing," she said at last, the words once again coming in disjointed, somewhat random intervals that weren't at all like her normal confident way of dealing with things. "Emma...she was trying to figure it all out...and she asked me a question..."
A hint of worry was reflected in brown eyes, but Natalia remained silent, letting Olivia do things in her own time.
"She asked if we were going to get married." There, it was out, plain and simple. She wondered if Natalia would be touched and reassured by the idea or squeal and run. Before speaking, she'd been thinking reassured, but as the words left her mouth, she suddenly suspected the whole squeal and run thing was probably more likely.
Arched brows shot up as Natalia stared at the other woman in shock. Of all the things she'd considered possible, that was nowhere on the list. "What did you tell her?" she asked after a long moment.
"That we haven't talked about it," Olivia answered honestly. "Then I tried to explain the difficulties on that front... possibly not very well since it's not really something I know much about." Which was kind of embarrassing, really, she decided as she resolved to do a Google-run as soon as she had a little time. God, when was the last time being in a relationship had meant doing research? Pre-internet, now that she thought about it.
Caught by surprise by the totally unexpected topic, Natalia could only stare up at the woman she loved, uncertain how she felt this bit of news. She'd been raised that such relationships were sinful, even believed it, trusting the church's word that such relationships were all about lust, not love. Only loving Olivia had taught her just how wrong that belief-her bigotry-was, but she was still adjusting to the new paradigm.
She suddenly realized that Olivia had gone silent and her gaze had dropped to focus on their hands. As Natalia watched, the other woman's free hand rose and graceful fingers brushed the bridge of her nose. She did that whenever stressed. "Talk to me," Natalia invited as she realized she was adding to that stress by not responding.
Olivia was silent for a long moment, her mind off and running as she contemplated her daughter's question. "I was just thinking about it..." That intense gaze tipped up. Olivia swallowed hard and ran her tongue over suddenly dry lips. "And wondering if maybe it would be a good idea," she said after a moment. "It's a short enough flight to Massachusetts or Connecticut and even though it wouldn't be legal in this state, it would still mean something to us...and we could probably arrange for a church," she added quickly to fill the looming silence. "I'm guessing not Catholic, but I think the Unitarians and some Episcopal churches...do...that..." Hitting the end of her knowledge base, Olivia ground to a halt and stared helplessly at the other woman.
Natalia froze. She just hadn't gone there mentally, hadn't even thought of it as a possibility. But suddenly her mind was running all the possible scenarios as she struggled to imagine what it meant. The word marriage conjured so many well-known images. For the first time, she found herself testing and replaying them, but with all new players and permutations.
The silence stretched between them for a long moment before Olivia finally tried again, "I just thought maybe it would help make things...easier...for you." It didn't matter so much to her. She knew who she was and how she felt and didn't need any church's stamp of approval. "I know how important it was to you that you and Gus got married...and that you waited..."
Sort of waited, some distant part of Natalia's brain amended as she remembered that waiting had actually only come after a bout of not waiting. No need to remind Olivia of that.
Olivia took a deep breath, momentarily lost for words until suddenly they were coming faster than her brain could filter them, "I can't give you the same kind of marriage...but I would gladly give you everything I can...every part of me...and every promise...every commitment...." She fell silent, the total lack of reply and even expression on Natalia's face leaving her profoundly embarrassed and wishing she'd kept her mouth shut. She ran a hand through her hair, scraping it back from her face. "I'm sorry," she apologized suddenly, not knowing what else to do. "Stupid idea. I shouldn't have-"
"No," Natalia interrupted abruptly, unwilling to hear Olivia back away from the offer she'd just made. The younger woman wasn't sure how she felt about it yet, but she knew she didn't want to hear the idea denigrated or pushed aside.
Uncertain what to do, Olivia stilled, her gaze dropping away.
"Look at me," Natalia whispered as she pushed up on her free hand, studying the other woman's expression carefully when her chin tipped back up. "It's not a stupid idea...not at all," she said at last, then disengaged her hand from Olivia's before reaching out to stroke the arch of her brow, wanting to smooth away the stress lines she saw there. "I can't answer yet," she admitted, her stomach turning over at the flicker of hurt she saw in cut-glass eyes. "I need time to think." And that wasn't possible with warm curves pressed temptingly close and hormones boiling. She cupped her hand along the side of Olivia's face, her tone firm when she spoke. "But it's not a stupid idea."
Olivia swallowed hard, the tightness in her throat making it nearly impossible to speak for a moment. "I know things like that are important to you...y'know church approval...and formalities...and I thought...." She ground to a halt again, uncertain how to proceed, her mind running in a thousand directions it once.
As Olivia knelt there, caught up in her own tumultuous thoughts, it suddenly occurred to her that contrary to what she'd initially said and even thought, it wasn't just about Natalia's wants and needs. Her own were just as bound up in the idea. "But it's not just about you," she tried to explain after a beat, thinking that this was all so much easier when they could just lose themselves in kisses and slow thrusts. She might not know all the finer points of this new sexual landscape, but she had a good enough idea to wing it. Emotional confessions on the other hand...
Realizing Olivia needed time to work through her thoughts, Natalia simply waited, listening to what she said and didn't say while she kept her hand at the other woman's temple, massaging gently.
"I'm a lousy bet," the older woman began after a long moment spent vaguely organizing her thoughts. "I've got five marriages under my belt...four of them even real...well, as real as marriage to Alan could ever be. I'm prickly and temperamental and unreasonable sometimes...and probably not the most emotionally healthy person in town..." She ran a shaking hand through her hair, wondering where the brilliant businesswoman she was reputed to be was hiding, because really, when trying to sell someone an as-is item, was it best to list all of its deficiencies in such excruciating detail?
"Olivia...breathe" Natalia soothed.
The older woman took a breath, settling herself. "But I love you," she vowed in a rush. "And I would like nothing better than to proclaim that before man and god...then spend the rest of my life proving it to you."
If nothing else, Olivia Spencer had always known how to finish a speech.
Natalia couldn't speak for a moment, her throat so tight she could barely even breathe. "God, Olivia," she rasped at last, her fingers still moving in that slow, soothing motion at Olivia's brow and temple. "The things you say to me...make me feel..." No one had ever touched her so deeply or made her feel so loved. "And you're not a bad bet," she argued, hating the way the other woman was wont to put herself down. "You're smart and funny and kind." The fingers at Olivia's brow slipped lower, outlining full lips in slow strokes. "And beautiful...so beautiful," she exhaled seriously. "Sometimes you drive me nuts," she admitted with a small smile, "but you also make me laugh when no one else can...and I know you'll always be there when I need you..."
Suddenly Natalia tipped her head back as the reality slid over and through her. No one else had ever made her feel so right about herself. "Oh, my god," she breathed almost inaudibly. God had given her this love. She believed that with all her might. He'd wrapped it around her heart, threaded it through her life, and bound it to her body.
Finally, he clarified it in her head, allowing the pattern to work itself out and fall into place.
When she looked at Olivia again, it was as though she saw her for the first time-the good, the bad, and everything in between-and in that instant, knew right where she belonged. "Yes," she said very softly.
Olivia blinked in confusion. "Yes?" she repeated, uncertain exactly what the other woman might be agreeing to. "Yes, what?"
Dimples appeared as Natalia grinned, a huge weight tumbling off her shoulders. This was where she belonged. "Yes...I'll marry you."
At which point, Olivia just stared, mouth working silently.
It occurred to Natalia that she really shouldn't enjoy seeing Olivia struck dumb quite so much, but there was something hopelessly endearing about the other woman when she was so thoroughly at a loss for words. "Nothing to say?" she finally asked with a puckish smile.
More blinking. Finally, Olivia straightened her shoulders and drew a fresh breath, unable to believe what she was hearing. "You said you needed some time," she said when she finally spoke, her tone not precisely accusing, but definitely bewildered.
"I did," Natalia confirmed.
"Sooo?" Olivia prompted after a beat.
Deep dimples made another appearance. "Apparently now I've had enough."
"So...not a lot then?" Olivia exhaled dazedly, feeling like she was at least two beats behind and possibly more like eight or ten.
"Apparently not," Natalia admitted through a slightly overwhelmed laugh, then seeing the way Olivia was staring at her-like she'd lost her mind-she tried to explain, "I just realized it's where I'm meant to be." Slim shoulders rose and dipped in a hint of a shrug. "With you...and Emma...building a life...our life."
Olivia blinked, then dashed at a few tears caught on her lashes. "I want that," she whispered raggedly, "more than I ever thought possible."
Remembering the little girl upstairs and the awkward tension that still lay between them, Natalia sighed softly. "But before we do anything, we need to make sure Emma's okay with it." She heaved a sigh and dark eyes rolled ceilingward. "And I've got to tell Rafe," she said on a note of dread. "And you need to talk to Ava."
"That shouldn't be a problem," Olivia assured her. "She may be a little surprised, but it's not a moral issue for her."
"It will be for Rafe,"
"Yeah, he'll probably think I manipulated you somehow...like Frank did," Olivia exhaled, her own worries obvious. In a contest between herself and Rafe, she knew who Natalia would choose every time. And while her relationship with the young man had improved during his incarceration, they weren't anybody's idea of best friends.
"He may," Natalia admitted, though she wanted to deny it. She released a sad, faintly guilty sigh. "But it's more than that," she murmured, already working on the problem in her head. "I taught Rafe that this was wrong...immoral...when he was growing up." Dark eyes slid closed as she felt the weight of her own misjudgment. Based on the church's word, true enough, but still wrong and still her responsibility. "I've got to undo the damage I did...and make him hear me that this is real and meaningful and not a sin."
"He loves you...and more than that, he knows you...knows how good and decent you are," Olivia assured the younger woman. "Even if he's upset at first, I don't think it'll last."
"God, I hope you're right." Curling her fingers into Olivia's collar, she tugged her close enough to dust a soft kiss onto her lips. "Because I don't want to delay this any longer than necessary."
"That makes two of us." Olivia leaned forward, her expression soft as she dusted tiny kisses onto faintly parted lips. Feeling the heat building anew in her veins, she sat back on her heels, pulling back to cool the desire a few notches. "And not just because I'm assuming you'd prefer to wait until after the ceremony again?"
"Not so much prefer," Natalia admitted, thinking this was going to be a lot harder than it had been with Gus, "as think it's the right thing to do." One set of moral rules might have fallen by the wayside, but there were plenty of others still firmly in place.
Green eyes slid closed and Olivia released a tiny, woebegone sigh. "I can do this," she said aloud. Another sigh melted into a low groan a moment later when soft lips just barely brushed her own. Peering at the other woman, a smile lit her features. "I do have one small request," she said after a beat.
"What?"
Olivia caught Natalia's left hand, fingering the rings that still resided there. She studied them for a long moment before looking up to meet the other woman's dark gaze. "Wear my ring," she whispered uncertainly. "Something simple...maybe just a small solitaire...until...later."
"All right," the younger woman agreed, then offered small smile. "On one condition...you wear a matching ring...and matching wedding bands when we make it official."
"I can do that." Olivia grinned. "I like rings. Rings are good."
They shared excited, nervous smiles, then Natalia leaned against the solid weight of Olivia's shoulder. "We're really doing it," she murmured softly.
A gentle hand curved to the back of her head, ruffling dark hair tenderly. "Are you okay with this?" Olivia asked worriedly as she leaned back on her heels far enough to stare down into dark eyes.
Knowing a quick answer was the wrong choice, Natalia stepped back, testing her emotions carefully. "Yeah," she said at last. "I mean, I'm scared of some of it, but it's actually kind of a relief to know where we're headed."
"For me too," Olivia whispered as she wrapped her arms around Natalia and pulled her close. She couldn't contain a smile as she felt slender arms circle her body, clinging tightly. "For me too..."
Lost in each other and the moment, neither of them thought to check the stairs in order to note the small figure that crouched there, listening with sharp ears and hurt eyes.
* * * * * *
TBC
Author: Pink Rabbit Productions
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Part: 13
Date: 13 July, 2009
Rating: Personally, I'd call it an R, but some might consider it NC-17 at some point.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations belong to other folks far wealthier, more important (or at least with better lawyers), and hopefully more charitable and kinder than I. They include, but are not necessarily limited to CBS, Proctor and Gamble, and Telenext. The actual arrangement of words, however, remains my own as do any original characters. Meanwhile, there is likely to be all female romantic and sexual activity ahead, so if this is likely to get you, me, or anybody else arrested should you take a gander, please move along. Also, if you find that sort of thing offensive, you really probably shouldn't hang around anyplace I'm posting. Just sayin'....
Archiving: The Pink Rabbit Consortium
Spoilers: Some early scenes definitely, plus anything through the spa trip is fair game.
Timeline: Unlike some folks, I don't have an exact scene where this one takes off. However, it's definitely set after the spa trip, but before Rafe's release from the halfway house. Oh, and it's after Natalia admits she's in love with Olivia to Father Ray.
Earlier Parts: | Part 1 (Prologue) | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 |
Life and Breath
by Pink Rabbit Productions
Part 13
Squirt, polish, buff-buff-buff. Squirt, polish, buff-buff-buff.
Natalia repeated the pattern over and over until every wood surface in the farmhouse livingroom gleamed and every possible mar or scratch had been thoroughly buffed out. Thanks to her work, waxy buildup wasn't likely to be a problem for at least a decade.
Unless of course, Olivia was upstairs much longer, leaving Natalia with nothing but her rag and her Old English. If that happened, she might just put on whole new layer of waxy buildup because she'd already polished everything at least twice and was working on a third go-round when she finally heard the soft sound of a light tread on the stairs.
"Olivia?" Natalia called out softly as she rushed over to the bottom step, fingers gripping the bannister with white-knuckled strength as she peered up at the figure descending from the upper floor. Her heart caught painfully as the older woman stepped from the shadows into the light, revealing a tired expression and drawn features. "Oh, god," Natalia exhaled, terror in her eyes.
Jade eyes tipped down, finding the woman at the bottom of the stairs with unerring accuracy and Olivia immediately redoubled her pace.
"Please tell me she doesn't hate me," Natalia begged before Olivia could say a word.
"She doesn't-" Olivia assured her instantly, already halfway down.
"You were gone so long though," Natalia fretted, too nervous to let Olivia finish. "And all I could think about was how-"
Olivia reached the other woman in time to settle gentle fingers over full lips, silencing her mid-sentence. "She doesn't hate you," she said slowly and carefully, then offered a reassuring smile. "Emma loves you."
Feeling her stomach uncoil ever so slightly, Natalia drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly in an effort to release a little stress. "What happened?"
"Mostly I just sat with her...but we talked a little-"
"About?" Natalia prompted before Olivia could get another word out.
Olivia held up a hand to gain some speaking time. "Let's just slow down a little," she said, plucking the cleaning supplies out of Natalia's hands to set them aside. She gestured to the couch with the quiet command, "Sit."
"Olivia, please just-"
"Sit," Olivia repeated a little more firmly, then settled her hands on narrow shoulders to give the younger woman a solid nudge in the right direction, though not before she leaned close to a delicate ear to whisper, "It's all right."
Natalia sat, then tipped her head up, watching as Olivia took up the neighboring position on the cushions, one calf folded under her, arm across the back, expression serious. Was she trying to figure out a way to break things gently? Then a tender smile curved full lips and a little of the tension eased. She wouldn't look like that if Emma's response had nixed any hope for them.
"Why do I feel like I should tell you to put your head between your knees and breathe?" Olivia drawled wryly.
"Don't joke," Natalia pleaded. "What did she say?"
"Not a lot," Olivia admitted and saw the way Natalia flinched at the news. Lifting the arm draped across the back of the couch, she reached out to stroke the gentle curve of the other woman's jaw and cheekbone. "Listen to me...being quiet isn't bad news. It's just how she gets sometimes when she's got a lot to deal with-"
"We shouldn't have told her," Natalia fretted. "We should have just-"
"No," Olivia cut her off sharply, then deliberately softened her voice, "I've never lied to her and I'm not about to start now-"
"But you saw how she was out there. She hardly even looked at me afterward."
Scooting closer, Olivia cupped her hand along the side of Natalia's face, rhythmically smoothing the baby fine hair at her temple as she peered deeply into chocolate eyes, trying to reassure as best she could. "Look, you haven't seen it much, but she does this sometimes," she explained quietly. "Withdraws into herself to think. It's just how she works things out. It doesn't mean she's angry, just that she's piecing it together in her head."
"Are you sure?" Natalia whispered, desperately needing the other woman to ease the panic throbbing in her chest. She wasn't sure she could handle it if her relationship with the girl had been irreparably damaged. She adored Emma, truly valued her relationship with the girl, plus she knew what Olivia would do if forced to choose between anyone and her daughter.
"I'm sure," Olivia assured her, drawing Natalia's chin back up when she would have looked away. "You saw her do it with Phillip. She didn't even let on that she knew he was in town...much less that she was calling lawyers and judges and planning to testify on his behalf." Her mouth twisted into a tired smile. "My kid, she goes in silent running mode sometimes." She shrugged helplessly. "It's a little frustrating, but it's very Emma."
That was true. The girl had been disturbingly closed-mouthed about her father even as she'd done her research and planned everything out. "It's just that I... When you were gone so long, I got scared."
"I see that," Olivia breathed as she noted how every wood surface in the room glowed softly. Well, Natalia was consistent. When stressed, she cleaned. Another half hour and Olivia would have had to wear sunglasses inside. Smiling ever so slightly at the mental image, she leaned close enough that their foreheads almost touched. "But I thought it was important to take some time with her...so I got her ready for bed and then we just sat and talked," she explained, her voice low and soothing. "I told her she could ask me anything she wanted..."
"Did she have any questions?"
"A few," Olivia admitted, then continued when she saw Natalia's questioning look, "She wanted to know when it started, how it felt..."
Feeling her cheeks burn, Natalia ducked her head.
"Not...that..." Olivia muttered through her own embarrassment. "Emma's knowledge base on the sexual front is pretty simple...y'know good touches, versus bad touches, when to shout and run, and that nobody has the right to make her do anything, even if they're an adult." She'd made damn certain her daughter knew how to protect herself and what was acceptable and what wasn't. Whatever happened in her life, she wouldn't be hurt out of ignorance.
Meanwhile, Natalia's gaze had slid away and Olivia could feel her embarrassment like a living thing. "Look at me," the older woman pleaded a beat later, her breath catching when brown eyes tipped up to meet her gaze. "She wanted to know if you give me butterflies in my stomach," she explained, wanting the other woman to understand the innocence of the questions asked.
"What did you say?" Natalia questioned as she felt green eyes trace her features with enough intensity to make heart clench and her stomach roll.
That earned a poignant smile. "I told her it feels like fields of them sometimes." Olivia paused, swallowing hard. "That seemed to go over okay...then she wanted to be reassured that we hadn't lied to her...and that she has a say in things."
"Of course she does," Natalia said instantly, thinking that in reality, Emma had more power than either of the adults because she unwittingly held the ability to veto it all in her small hands.
"I know that...and you know that...but she's a kid, and it's been a long time since she's been in this position. She was so little when I was with Bill...and Buzz never lived with us." And Frank? Well, the less said about that exercise in poor judgment the better. "Despite some of the rumors about my private life...it's not like there's been a parade of men through the house during her life."
The blush returned in full force as Natalia ducked her head. "I know that," she mumbled.
"Do you?" Olivia questioned, her tone a little sharper than intended.
"Yes," Natalia said quickly, then looked up, her expression meant to reassure. "I know how you are with Emma...that you wouldn't expose her to anything you thought was inappropriate."
Mollified, Olivia relaxed considerably. "Sorry," she apologized, her voice soft and a little worn. "I didn't mean to snap. I just know some of the things people say." The town gossip where she was concerned had almost always been considerably more exciting and outrageous than the truth. Not always, perhaps, but mostly.
Natalia caught Olivia's hands in her own and used the loose hold to tug her a little closer. "Olivia, I know what kind of mother you are...how safe and loved Emma feels because of you." Disengaging a hand, she reached up to run the pad of her thumb along a soft, lower lip. "In all honesty, it's one of the things I've always admired about you."
"Even when you hated me?" Olivia snarked doubtfully before she could call the thought back. Wrong thing to say, she realized instantly as she felt a full body flinch work its way through the other woman. God, she was too tired and stressed and soothing Emma's fears had left her on edge. "I'm sorry," she tried to apologize, but it was already too late. "I shouldn't have-"
"I never hated you," Natalia denied the charge, her throat constricting until it was hard to speak.
"Well, it's not like I didn't deserve it if you did," the older woman pointed out in an effort to undo the damage she'd done with her slip of the tongue. "I was horrible to you-"
"I never hated you," Natalia repeated with added intensity. She slipped her fingers into silk hair and cupped the back of Olivia's head. "Please say you believe me."
"It's the past...it doesn't matter," Olivia whispered, wishing fervently that the sarcastic comment hadn't slipped out. It wasn't a time she liked to remember even if it had brought her one of the most precious things in her life.
"It matters," the younger woman disagreed, the words coming on the edge of a sharp exhalation as though they'd been driven from her by a harsh blow. Clearly, Olivia didn't trust her to be entirely honest on this front. Her hand tightened where it was threaded through dark silk. Working on instinct, she pulled the other woman closer. "You were alone and you were scared...and even if you did some things that..." She paused as she hunted for the right words, only to finally settle on the relatively neutral, "...caused problems...you never did anything to deserve hatred...never." Guilt glittered in dark eyes as she remembered her own actions. "If anyone deserved-"
"No," Olivia broke in, her voice low but obdurate, instinctively knowing where Natalia was headed and unwilling to allow that pain back into their lives. She searched dark eyes, willing the other woman to see all the things she felt. "None of that matters."
"But I-"
"You gave me a heart," Olivia interrupted intently as she turned her palm under exploring fingers to catch a fine-boned hand in her own and carry it to her chest. "And I don't just mean this one." She raised her other hand, mimicking Natalia's position as she skimmed her fingers into a thick fall of chestnut hair on the way to cupping the back of the younger woman's head. "No one else would have done what you did...particularly for me. You pulled me back from the brink...yelled at me and fought me...and cared for me." It still amazed her sometimes, that Natalia had been able to care for the woman she'd been then. She pressed closer, intensely aware of the heat of soft breath on her skin. "You made me believe again... that there's decency and kindness in the world... You love my daughter...and somehow you've found a way to love me..." The whispered words trailed into the softest of kisses, a bare brush of lips so soft it was a mere ghost of contact, and yet it carried with it every bit of love and tenderness one human being can possibly feel.
Natalia gasped softly, then moaned, her breath flowing over the lips that just barely touched. She tightened her hold on silky hair and spread her fingers against the warm plane of Olivia's chest, absorbing the heat and strength of her, feeling the delicate thud of her heart and the deepening cadence of her breathing.
It seemed to go on forever, soft, silky, and barely there, and at the same time, a universe all its own.
Finally, Olivia broke the kiss, pulling back ever so slightly to stare down into mahogany eyes. "You're everything to me," she vowed when she regained her breath to speak.
Overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of emotion swirling around them, Natalia sank back, pulling Olivia with her until their collapse was halted by the arm of the couch pressing into her back.
Groaning, Olivia fell into welcoming curves, trembling gently as their bodies met and meshed. A slim thigh rose, riding along the outer curve of her hip as legs tangled and mouths met again, firmer this time, real kisses, not romantic teases. Kisses that roamed and changed angles in the search for more as flesh pressed together until it was hard to tell where one person ended and the next began. Low groans swirled in the air around them as bodies began a gentle dance of point/counterpoint, playing with each other in that first erotic flush.
Wrapped in layers of emotion and sensation, Natalia couldn't contain the urge to arch into the body above her own. Heart hammering in her chest, she tightened her fingers on the cool silk caught in her grasp and slipped the hand at Olivia's chest around to the small of her back, hauling her closer with almost desperate strength.
The opening strains of Ravel's Boléro playing an erotic concert in her head, Olivia lost her hold on silky hair as she shifted her hand to brace it on the arm of the couch. With a little leverage gained, she dropped her other hand to curl her fingers loosely around and under the jean clad thigh pressed against her hip, settling in and riding with the slow, rolling motion of the woman beneath her.
This was sex, only the beginning phase, the barest leading edge, but it had passed a mental and physical marker. Their bodies were more than a little ready, hot and excited and trembling, while their hearts and minds were lost in the moment.
Drinking in Natalia's soft moan, Olivia exhaled her own longing groan into the blending of mouths. Suddenly, she understood why they'd both held off for so long, not touching in anything but the most innocent of ways.
Because of this.
One kiss the night before, and a few more tonight and they were both suddenly hormones with feet who couldn't keep their hands off each other and were prone to become so wrapped up, aroused, and utterly buried in each other that they were on the verge of making love on the livingroom couch.
With Emma upstairs.
Oh, damn.
"We can't," Olivia groaned as she tore her mouth free and buried her face in the curve of Natalia's shoulder. Her body heaving, she drew in deep, gasping breaths in the effort to calm her raging hormones. "Not here." Maybe not at all-at least not yet-but definitely not here.
Natalia whimpered, instinctively arching toward more contact, only to suddenly parse the meaning of the other woman's words.
God, Olivia was right. They had to stop.
Breathing hard, as though she'd run miles, Natalia collapsed back into the cushions, her body aching in ways she'd barely known were even possible. Quick tremors that ran over the surface of her skin while her heart beat a raging tempo and there was a deep, pulsing throb at the very core of her. A few seconds later, she felt the loss as the hand cupping her thigh trailed upward to find solid purchase at the base of the couch arm before pushing to gain a little distance between them. "Olivia?" she exhaled at last.
"Please don't take this as a lack of interest," the older woman mumbled, her voice dazed and muffled against the warmth of Natalia's shoulder. "Because, believe me, it's not."
"Even I'm not that naive," the younger woman exhaled, then shivered as soft laughter warmed her skin.
Pushing up a little farther, Olivia lifted her head up to stare down into what seemed like absolute perfection to her. She could spend the rest of her life like this and be a happy woman. Which brought her to Emma's final question-the one she hadn't managed to mention before and which she suddenly desperately wanted to discuss.
Muscles pulling taut, Olivia pushed up onto her knees and wound up kneeling between slim thighs, not out of any plan, but just because it happened that way. Sitting back on her heels, she peered down at the other woman. "You know where this was headed?" she said after a moment, her tone making it both a statement and a question.
Natalia smiled, though there was nervousness in her eyes. "Once again...even I'm not that naive."
Catching one of Natalia's hands in her own, Olivia tangled their fingers together, clinging to the sweet bond between them. She sat and watched the other woman, seeing the fresh tension enter her muscles and the way passion was replaced by worry in her eyes. Finally, she murmured, "You're not ready, are you?"
White teeth found and gnawed on a full lower lip. Not a simple question. Caught in the throes of passion, Natalia had been more than ready, but now, calmer and thinking again, the physical desire was still there, still pleasure so intense it verged on pain, but something held her back. Fear perhaps or maybe just a longstanding sense of certain moral rules that she still feared breaking, if not one way, then another. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's not that I don't want you," she said, hating the flicker of insecurity she saw gleaming in green eyes. "I do...more than I know how to express..." She fell silent for a long moment, staring up at Olivia as though she could perhaps divine the secrets of the universe hidden in jade eyes. "I just..." she trailed off, not knowing how to express a lifetime of beliefs and training and how they affected her view of things. "It's complicated," she said at last.
Not exactly what Olivia wanted to hear, but not unexpected either. She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly to calm her nerves. "Which brings me to one other thing that Emma asked about," she said haltingly, the words coming in unevenly paced bursts, "that might have some...bearing...on this conversation...maybe."
Arched brows drew together in a hint of a frown. "Okay," Natalia said a little cautiously.
Glass green eyes tipped down to touch on their twined hands. Olivia dragged in another deep breath and released it on a ten count, mentally envisioning the stress leaving with the air. And what idiot had come up with that idea, she wondered, because it didn't do a damn bit of good. "Here's the thing," she said at last, the words once again coming in disjointed, somewhat random intervals that weren't at all like her normal confident way of dealing with things. "Emma...she was trying to figure it all out...and she asked me a question..."
A hint of worry was reflected in brown eyes, but Natalia remained silent, letting Olivia do things in her own time.
"She asked if we were going to get married." There, it was out, plain and simple. She wondered if Natalia would be touched and reassured by the idea or squeal and run. Before speaking, she'd been thinking reassured, but as the words left her mouth, she suddenly suspected the whole squeal and run thing was probably more likely.
Arched brows shot up as Natalia stared at the other woman in shock. Of all the things she'd considered possible, that was nowhere on the list. "What did you tell her?" she asked after a long moment.
"That we haven't talked about it," Olivia answered honestly. "Then I tried to explain the difficulties on that front... possibly not very well since it's not really something I know much about." Which was kind of embarrassing, really, she decided as she resolved to do a Google-run as soon as she had a little time. God, when was the last time being in a relationship had meant doing research? Pre-internet, now that she thought about it.
Caught by surprise by the totally unexpected topic, Natalia could only stare up at the woman she loved, uncertain how she felt this bit of news. She'd been raised that such relationships were sinful, even believed it, trusting the church's word that such relationships were all about lust, not love. Only loving Olivia had taught her just how wrong that belief-her bigotry-was, but she was still adjusting to the new paradigm.
She suddenly realized that Olivia had gone silent and her gaze had dropped to focus on their hands. As Natalia watched, the other woman's free hand rose and graceful fingers brushed the bridge of her nose. She did that whenever stressed. "Talk to me," Natalia invited as she realized she was adding to that stress by not responding.
Olivia was silent for a long moment, her mind off and running as she contemplated her daughter's question. "I was just thinking about it..." That intense gaze tipped up. Olivia swallowed hard and ran her tongue over suddenly dry lips. "And wondering if maybe it would be a good idea," she said after a moment. "It's a short enough flight to Massachusetts or Connecticut and even though it wouldn't be legal in this state, it would still mean something to us...and we could probably arrange for a church," she added quickly to fill the looming silence. "I'm guessing not Catholic, but I think the Unitarians and some Episcopal churches...do...that..." Hitting the end of her knowledge base, Olivia ground to a halt and stared helplessly at the other woman.
Natalia froze. She just hadn't gone there mentally, hadn't even thought of it as a possibility. But suddenly her mind was running all the possible scenarios as she struggled to imagine what it meant. The word marriage conjured so many well-known images. For the first time, she found herself testing and replaying them, but with all new players and permutations.
The silence stretched between them for a long moment before Olivia finally tried again, "I just thought maybe it would help make things...easier...for you." It didn't matter so much to her. She knew who she was and how she felt and didn't need any church's stamp of approval. "I know how important it was to you that you and Gus got married...and that you waited..."
Sort of waited, some distant part of Natalia's brain amended as she remembered that waiting had actually only come after a bout of not waiting. No need to remind Olivia of that.
Olivia took a deep breath, momentarily lost for words until suddenly they were coming faster than her brain could filter them, "I can't give you the same kind of marriage...but I would gladly give you everything I can...every part of me...and every promise...every commitment...." She fell silent, the total lack of reply and even expression on Natalia's face leaving her profoundly embarrassed and wishing she'd kept her mouth shut. She ran a hand through her hair, scraping it back from her face. "I'm sorry," she apologized suddenly, not knowing what else to do. "Stupid idea. I shouldn't have-"
"No," Natalia interrupted abruptly, unwilling to hear Olivia back away from the offer she'd just made. The younger woman wasn't sure how she felt about it yet, but she knew she didn't want to hear the idea denigrated or pushed aside.
Uncertain what to do, Olivia stilled, her gaze dropping away.
"Look at me," Natalia whispered as she pushed up on her free hand, studying the other woman's expression carefully when her chin tipped back up. "It's not a stupid idea...not at all," she said at last, then disengaged her hand from Olivia's before reaching out to stroke the arch of her brow, wanting to smooth away the stress lines she saw there. "I can't answer yet," she admitted, her stomach turning over at the flicker of hurt she saw in cut-glass eyes. "I need time to think." And that wasn't possible with warm curves pressed temptingly close and hormones boiling. She cupped her hand along the side of Olivia's face, her tone firm when she spoke. "But it's not a stupid idea."
Olivia swallowed hard, the tightness in her throat making it nearly impossible to speak for a moment. "I know things like that are important to you...y'know church approval...and formalities...and I thought...." She ground to a halt again, uncertain how to proceed, her mind running in a thousand directions it once.
As Olivia knelt there, caught up in her own tumultuous thoughts, it suddenly occurred to her that contrary to what she'd initially said and even thought, it wasn't just about Natalia's wants and needs. Her own were just as bound up in the idea. "But it's not just about you," she tried to explain after a beat, thinking that this was all so much easier when they could just lose themselves in kisses and slow thrusts. She might not know all the finer points of this new sexual landscape, but she had a good enough idea to wing it. Emotional confessions on the other hand...
Realizing Olivia needed time to work through her thoughts, Natalia simply waited, listening to what she said and didn't say while she kept her hand at the other woman's temple, massaging gently.
"I'm a lousy bet," the older woman began after a long moment spent vaguely organizing her thoughts. "I've got five marriages under my belt...four of them even real...well, as real as marriage to Alan could ever be. I'm prickly and temperamental and unreasonable sometimes...and probably not the most emotionally healthy person in town..." She ran a shaking hand through her hair, wondering where the brilliant businesswoman she was reputed to be was hiding, because really, when trying to sell someone an as-is item, was it best to list all of its deficiencies in such excruciating detail?
"Olivia...breathe" Natalia soothed.
The older woman took a breath, settling herself. "But I love you," she vowed in a rush. "And I would like nothing better than to proclaim that before man and god...then spend the rest of my life proving it to you."
If nothing else, Olivia Spencer had always known how to finish a speech.
Natalia couldn't speak for a moment, her throat so tight she could barely even breathe. "God, Olivia," she rasped at last, her fingers still moving in that slow, soothing motion at Olivia's brow and temple. "The things you say to me...make me feel..." No one had ever touched her so deeply or made her feel so loved. "And you're not a bad bet," she argued, hating the way the other woman was wont to put herself down. "You're smart and funny and kind." The fingers at Olivia's brow slipped lower, outlining full lips in slow strokes. "And beautiful...so beautiful," she exhaled seriously. "Sometimes you drive me nuts," she admitted with a small smile, "but you also make me laugh when no one else can...and I know you'll always be there when I need you..."
Suddenly Natalia tipped her head back as the reality slid over and through her. No one else had ever made her feel so right about herself. "Oh, my god," she breathed almost inaudibly. God had given her this love. She believed that with all her might. He'd wrapped it around her heart, threaded it through her life, and bound it to her body.
Finally, he clarified it in her head, allowing the pattern to work itself out and fall into place.
When she looked at Olivia again, it was as though she saw her for the first time-the good, the bad, and everything in between-and in that instant, knew right where she belonged. "Yes," she said very softly.
Olivia blinked in confusion. "Yes?" she repeated, uncertain exactly what the other woman might be agreeing to. "Yes, what?"
Dimples appeared as Natalia grinned, a huge weight tumbling off her shoulders. This was where she belonged. "Yes...I'll marry you."
At which point, Olivia just stared, mouth working silently.
It occurred to Natalia that she really shouldn't enjoy seeing Olivia struck dumb quite so much, but there was something hopelessly endearing about the other woman when she was so thoroughly at a loss for words. "Nothing to say?" she finally asked with a puckish smile.
More blinking. Finally, Olivia straightened her shoulders and drew a fresh breath, unable to believe what she was hearing. "You said you needed some time," she said when she finally spoke, her tone not precisely accusing, but definitely bewildered.
"I did," Natalia confirmed.
"Sooo?" Olivia prompted after a beat.
Deep dimples made another appearance. "Apparently now I've had enough."
"So...not a lot then?" Olivia exhaled dazedly, feeling like she was at least two beats behind and possibly more like eight or ten.
"Apparently not," Natalia admitted through a slightly overwhelmed laugh, then seeing the way Olivia was staring at her-like she'd lost her mind-she tried to explain, "I just realized it's where I'm meant to be." Slim shoulders rose and dipped in a hint of a shrug. "With you...and Emma...building a life...our life."
Olivia blinked, then dashed at a few tears caught on her lashes. "I want that," she whispered raggedly, "more than I ever thought possible."
Remembering the little girl upstairs and the awkward tension that still lay between them, Natalia sighed softly. "But before we do anything, we need to make sure Emma's okay with it." She heaved a sigh and dark eyes rolled ceilingward. "And I've got to tell Rafe," she said on a note of dread. "And you need to talk to Ava."
"That shouldn't be a problem," Olivia assured her. "She may be a little surprised, but it's not a moral issue for her."
"It will be for Rafe,"
"Yeah, he'll probably think I manipulated you somehow...like Frank did," Olivia exhaled, her own worries obvious. In a contest between herself and Rafe, she knew who Natalia would choose every time. And while her relationship with the young man had improved during his incarceration, they weren't anybody's idea of best friends.
"He may," Natalia admitted, though she wanted to deny it. She released a sad, faintly guilty sigh. "But it's more than that," she murmured, already working on the problem in her head. "I taught Rafe that this was wrong...immoral...when he was growing up." Dark eyes slid closed as she felt the weight of her own misjudgment. Based on the church's word, true enough, but still wrong and still her responsibility. "I've got to undo the damage I did...and make him hear me that this is real and meaningful and not a sin."
"He loves you...and more than that, he knows you...knows how good and decent you are," Olivia assured the younger woman. "Even if he's upset at first, I don't think it'll last."
"God, I hope you're right." Curling her fingers into Olivia's collar, she tugged her close enough to dust a soft kiss onto her lips. "Because I don't want to delay this any longer than necessary."
"That makes two of us." Olivia leaned forward, her expression soft as she dusted tiny kisses onto faintly parted lips. Feeling the heat building anew in her veins, she sat back on her heels, pulling back to cool the desire a few notches. "And not just because I'm assuming you'd prefer to wait until after the ceremony again?"
"Not so much prefer," Natalia admitted, thinking this was going to be a lot harder than it had been with Gus, "as think it's the right thing to do." One set of moral rules might have fallen by the wayside, but there were plenty of others still firmly in place.
Green eyes slid closed and Olivia released a tiny, woebegone sigh. "I can do this," she said aloud. Another sigh melted into a low groan a moment later when soft lips just barely brushed her own. Peering at the other woman, a smile lit her features. "I do have one small request," she said after a beat.
"What?"
Olivia caught Natalia's left hand, fingering the rings that still resided there. She studied them for a long moment before looking up to meet the other woman's dark gaze. "Wear my ring," she whispered uncertainly. "Something simple...maybe just a small solitaire...until...later."
"All right," the younger woman agreed, then offered small smile. "On one condition...you wear a matching ring...and matching wedding bands when we make it official."
"I can do that." Olivia grinned. "I like rings. Rings are good."
They shared excited, nervous smiles, then Natalia leaned against the solid weight of Olivia's shoulder. "We're really doing it," she murmured softly.
A gentle hand curved to the back of her head, ruffling dark hair tenderly. "Are you okay with this?" Olivia asked worriedly as she leaned back on her heels far enough to stare down into dark eyes.
Knowing a quick answer was the wrong choice, Natalia stepped back, testing her emotions carefully. "Yeah," she said at last. "I mean, I'm scared of some of it, but it's actually kind of a relief to know where we're headed."
"For me too," Olivia whispered as she wrapped her arms around Natalia and pulled her close. She couldn't contain a smile as she felt slender arms circle her body, clinging tightly. "For me too..."
Lost in each other and the moment, neither of them thought to check the stairs in order to note the small figure that crouched there, listening with sharp ears and hurt eyes.
* * * * * *
TBC