I can only save myself

Fml I think he heard me purging. He left the door open from his bedroom and I thought he had it shut so I didn't bother leaving the shower running the whole time and it's as if I have lost the ability to purge. I could just open my mouth tense my stomach and actually just chuck it up push by push and it took me ages to get most of it out tonight, ( Read more... )

It's a I hate myself so much I want to cut day. Everything about myself is just a failure. I forgot my friends birthday (x2), I feel annoyed by Imo, I am awkward at work, I'm at the gym after not going since Saturday. Oh and I got up and bped on chocolate. Never done that before. I CANT COPE.

Fml. Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired and eating and throwing up and replacing food then eating it again. Cleaning up after my insane binges and purge splashes. No time to loose.
Exercise, running, running faster, exhausted, still running.. I don't think I can run much longer. Keep going. Average speed 11.8, with an average incline of ( Read more... )

Fuck. I cant take this. Im canceling all appointments that I have. I'm wondering if I should just not even tryto exercise tomorrow and just take all the pressure off.

I am at the gym and am feeling so tired. I am going to work out but I just need to sit and rest for a few minutes. I bped last night, so only lasted 2 days again. Failure. I also lost my eftpost card. Fuck the world, I have no cash and so am totally screwed, I guess at least I can't buy any binge food.. I need to stop doing that anyway because of ( Read more... )

It's actually okay!! I ran out of money on Monday and actually felt so incredibly desperate.. But it made it clear to me- I cannot keep bping if I want to keep living in this flat. I need to stop so I can wake up looking forward to the day. I want to enjoy my exercise without forcing myself to do more and more. I am ready to be responsible, I am ( Read more... )

I'm so pathetic, I had a dream where i was telling Sonja how I'm buying a scooter and she said it was such a huge risk for me in case I have a seizure. She then said. You realise it could kill you and I just quietly answered that I don't care and she said "but we would care, does that even matter?" I felt so guilty. So now I feel terrible because I ( Read more... )

I am okay. I am not eating too much to gain and just enough to concentrate and do the gyming. In actually getting fitter and I only noticed today that my ass is real toned! I usually always had a fat ass with like a round hanging shape and now it's tight but still round. It's all okay. I have been bping but been skulking about 2.5 L water with the ( Read more... )

So I last updated Wednesday. Andy again I am updating in the middle of the night. I always get frightened, because my seizures have always happened after having little sleep. I justcant get back to sleep. I took 0.5mg lorazepam it's a pretty pathetic dose and most likely won't have an effect. I also can't risk being just the unfocused at work. I ( Read more... )