Die-tary Concerns

[pauly_gp]

Sorry that I’ve been away for so long. It’s just that I’ve been trying to create my own diet regime to rival that of Dr Aitkin’s. Not that it would leave you feeling healthy mind, in fact it probably will leave you without any feeling whatsoever. I did think that just a plate of around twenty or so paracetamols a day would do the trick, but I’ve

Comments

Power Bars

[anonymous]

I'd certainly be interested in sampling some of your dietary delights, but my problem lies in my hectic life.

You see I'm a grave digger and what with the constant heave-ho of outdoor activities and being constantly on the go, I don't have time to sit down to a healthy meal of human organs washed down with chunky vomit.

So I put it to you to invent a snack that I can eat on the go, but which still contains all the vital nutrients I need to keep on top of my demanding job. Any ideas?

Fruity Phallus

[pauly_gp]

Have you tried nibbling at your own anatomy? I have found that having a good long slurp on your nipples (whether you be male or female) can actually reduce fatigue and leave you feeling quite euphoric.

As for a power bar type snack, well I have tried to cram a penis into a foiled wrapper in order to store its natural goodness. I've even tried adding different flavourings within the pubic sack in order to reach out to a larger audience of snackers on the go. Yet the 'Fruity Phallus Bar' is still in it's early stages as the semen keeps impregnating the female target audience with various deformed baby-fruit.

Re: Fruity Phallus

[anonymous]

I wondered how my missus got pregnant when we've been in separate bedrooms for the last 15 months! A slight argument over the placing of an elderly couple who, I might add, *wanted* to be placed in the same grave... it's just probable that they *didn't* want to be placed in it in the '69' position.

But I digress... it turns out the baby emerged out of her 9 months down the line like it was squeezed out of a Juicer machine. It didn't look human. It looked ugly... must have been an ugly fruit power bar...

Banana Babies

[pauly_gp]

Well there's no guarantee that the 'Fruity Phallus Bar' will be any way near aesthetically pleasing. It's not as if we can select only the finest cocks in which to use. Plus, you have to remember that most of our penis crop comes from the shrivelled up remains of corpses and also the 'left overs' after botched up sex change operations.

Just be thankful that most of our 'Fruity Phallus Bars' can actually work as an aphrodisiac.

Rasputin

[anonymous]

After trying your "Nauseashake", there appears to be a problem. The hydrochloric acid lubricated my throat-lining adequately enough for me to carry on with my failing singing career. The vomit reacted with my own to form a delightful consortium of treats and globules of joyful wisdomic virtue. It was, however, the mint. The mint scraped half of my cheek off and left me bleeding like a harper for three days. I did not die as a result but the pain was most distasteful. Pain before death when you've paid for the its privelage was not on my top-100 "I've paid for X and do not want the consequence Y" list. By amazing coincidence, this very list will be screened on BBC Fargit, 10.34pm, Tuesday, and hosted by Rolf Harris and his Rhythm and Shoes ORC-estra, with a multi-faceted whale as the backing screen. It twitches.

~Sir Pank Reearse(failing)

Coughee To Go!

[pauly_gp]

The "Nauseashake" itself was to be a flagship product in my very own branch of uberhip 'Starbucks' style bevarage dispensaries (Aptly named 'Stirbloods'). However, much like yourself, many other trendy young starlets of the 'Pop Idol' ilke, they had become inflicted with herrendous facial mutations because of the recipe. And as you can imagine, their 'inner beauty' was not enough to help mantain their fledgling careers as 'Plebrities' on the cruelly vain road to Stardom.

The end result being that I was unable to create an empire that would provide a 'healthy' alternative to such establishments as McDonalds, which in my opinion, is quite a shame really...