Comments | penguinpunk: Looking for some critiques

penguinpunk

Looking for some critiques

Oct 23, 2006 22:14

Lament of the Next Best Thing ( Read more... )

Comments 4

justosric October 25 2006, 06:16:41 UTC

I like this version a lot... stark works really well here. The only thing that is really bothering me is the word "exchange" - -it seems too stock market-ish. What about convert? transform? transmute? translate? coerce? compel?

It's your call, really. Exchange works, it just bothers me... but you know me, weird shit bothers me that seems wonderful to others.

Particularly awesome job in the last 2 stanzas.

penguinpunk October 26 2006, 00:36:55 UTC

yeah I think exchange screws up the rhythm. originally I had turn there and Change on the first line. might try convert though.

superfreak425 October 25 2006, 23:25:25 UTC

I like it. Not that I'm good at writing or decoding poems, but I do like to read them. NOT rape and destroy them, looking for every nuance and shading, but READ them. (Sorry. Too much Donne. Or possibly Dunne. I'm bad about listening in English.)

penguinpunk October 26 2006, 00:34:44 UTC

ahhh Donne. I like modern poetry so much better.