GHOST TOWN

“Read that back to me if you would.” Said Steve, quietly.

I cleared my throat and began.

“Here it is set forth, that I,  Balthazar Ignatius Stephenson, Knight of the East and Baron of Avenue C, a resident of the great state of New York, being of sound mind and judgment, and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or undue ( Read more... )

"Shit fucking rat bird!" Steve howled, face flush against the wall. "Flutter around all you like, I'll still taste your blood before nights end. I will fucking have you! Do you hear me ( Read more... )

My first thought upon waking was that my mouth seemed to contain the full contents of a month old litter box. Evil black spots obscured my vision and a regular metallic click rang out in time to the throbbing pain in my head. The sound was emanating from a ratchet being worked at the far end of the room. Steve was tinkering in his workshop again ( Read more... )

"Pan Genitor," Steve invoked, urinating from the open window. " Io Pan! Io Pan! Goat with a thousand young! Bless me with thine salty favor ( Read more... )

"She was always the prettiest girl at the bukakke party," Steve mused, scratching idly at the dead wasps in his beard. "It's not every man who can appreciate the aesthetic elegance of a hairlip, but then, I always did have an eye for unconventional beauty ( Read more... )

Well who the fuck told you to dress up like an 18th century french dandy and go around central park mugging old ladies? Because it certainly wasn't me. Frankly, I don't think you should have gotten into those whippets in the first place, and don't go blaming this on your stupid seasonal depression disorder like you always do. Jesus Steve, you're a ( Read more... )

Look, imagine yourself in my shoes for half a fucking second ok? It's 7:30 on a Tuesday morning and you don't know why the bathtub is full of mayonnaise and empty Viagra bottles. Furthermore, all the peppermint schnapps is gone and you've got a splitting headache because that goddamn Mariah Carey song's been stuck on repeat all fucking night. Plus ( Read more... )

People keep telling me how much better things are out on the west coast. I hear in San Francisco they have these clubs where you can watch a fully grown grizzly bear fed on a pure diet of champagne and LSD fight a 10 month old baby with forks taped to it's hands. They don't have meat on the menu though. Everyone's vegan out there I guess.

I hope ( Read more... )

::THERE ARE NO LIZARDS ANYWHERE::