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Crash
I crashed the other night. After seeing Kaiden, I was high on adrenalin for a few days, but that has worn off. And the crash is never pretty. It generally entails lots of late night bawling just bad enough to make sleep impossible. I failed again, and that pisses me off. It's the same as everything else I've ever tried to do. And I hate myself for ( Read more... ) -
Ten fucking feet
I knew I would see him again, likely when I was least expecting it. I couldn't have been more right. I take the train home from work, and there he is, sitting on the platform. I inwardly freaked, darting back in forth inside, then outside, until the train comes and we get on the same car. By this point, I'm shaking as much as someone stuck outside ( Read more... ) -
Healthy or happy?
Whenever I'm having some sort of problem, it comes down to a choice of my sanity, or my health. I have yet to find a healthy coping mechanism that actually works. Recently, my goal has been to minimize the damage I'm doing, as opposed to repressing it until I do something really dangerous. Codeine is my current fix, and it's doing the job. My ( Read more... ) -
Something's gotta give
I've been really upset lately for no particular reason. We just moved houses, and I'm about as unphased by it as one can be. I don't think the realization ever hit me, and now that we're in the new house, it's too late. And now I find myself just being so unsatisfied with my life that I want to scream. I have a great job, I've got a nice new house ( Read more... ) -
Rage
In the past, I have gone over how much I can't stand people who I believe to pose a threat to the person I care about at the time (and by that, I mean who get between me and them). This time, it's her. My brain short circuits, my blood feels like it's boiling, and I get that little prick of adrenalin right in my chest. My brain stops working, and I ( Read more... ) -
Confusing
So I don't know what to think of info commons girl. I was gonna go say hi on tuesday if she wasn't busy, but she was helping some old guy with the computer. I had something to print, so I went and did that, and did it as slowly as possible. Eventually I had to go, but just before I left, we made eye contact. I inwardly freaked out, and she seemed ( Read more... ) -
Kaiden and thoughts/society
Kaiden posted this today "Too many problems all at once. Lay off life! One at a time would be REALLY nice of you." And it makes me feel shitty. Part of me wants desperately to know whats going on, and another part of me just wishes I could help. Knowing him, he probably doesn't need any help, and if he does he's got people to talk to, but I wish I ( Read more... ) -
Dreams
Last night I had an odd dream, even for me. For some reason, Claire was giving me advice on what to do about Kaiden. It wasn't what she would have actually said, of course, but basically it came down to 'Your assumptions are faulty. Think simple.' In my dream, that meant he hadn't moved in with anyone, but had moved back to his old apartment (this ( Read more... ) -
Counselling
I saw Jeff again today. I believe the next session will be our last. He told me at the end 'Well, I don't know what else I can really do for you.' So basically, he can't help either. I knew this would happen when I first made an appointment, but I started to have some faith partway through. Now I'm just fucked. I guess his wife is expecting a baby ( Read more... )