very crazy year, i tell you this. first get sold to iranians. even afghanis think iranians smell bad. very rough time working in iran! vomit profusely all the time! everyone there smells like pig crap and rotting carcasses in sun, only less delicious! in case you not know, pigs very offensive in my culture, so that more of insult. big cornfed man ( Read more... )

rough times lately! more so than usual, let me tell you. other day was walking through market. "psst!" i hear. "psst! pretty lady you come here!" i look and see giant hunk of beefy man shoved into tiny muslin wrap. swarthy, dripping face and thick fish-like lips. "me?" i say. "yes, you pretty lady. you come into dark alley with me." now, i think ( Read more... )

tough times! my father arranged another marriage for me. seventeenth marriage -- so many failed potato marriages! those potatoes work me like a sweatshop child! i eventually have to kill them. father wanted me to have father for carrot baby and his whore camel wife. only problem was, we have nothing for dowry. had to give my feet for dowry this ( Read more... )

o, lordy lordy. tough time in life of piggy mcnoise, you know. first, grand pubah goat shaman come on to me. me! and you cannot see any inch of my flesh but the bits around the corners of my eyes! but anyway, you are not allowed to reject goat shaman's advances. must relent to his goaty wails. "mrahhh! mraaaaaahh!" he shouts at me through his goat ( Read more... )

o, mercy. last month or so horrible time in life. turns out horrible burning during pee was not allah punishing me for taking off burqa during heat stroke, but was syphilis. who knew? so i look and look for doctor who will treat me. men doctors cannot treat ladies, but ladies are not allowed to be doctors, so i scour my land for someone with ( Read more... )

this month very bad time here in home country. horrible rains! sky open up and poor entire ocean on our burqaed heads! flood like never before! lost entire herd of goats! rain so hard, at least 50 feet of water cover entire land! had to climb on top of camels' humps since they are so buoyant. only problem was only camel i know was stupid whore wife ( Read more... )

got lost in desert again. freak snowstorm! very strange! so cold! had to cut open my goat's belly and climb inside to be warm. very sad. goat was my aunt. "auntie goat!" i said to her. "auntie goat! i am so very cold! let me curl up beside your nice insulating fur!" but no! she bleat at me and kick and run away! "baaaaaaa! baaaaaaa!" she said! ( Read more... )

oh, very tough weekend. while cleaning out camel stall camel came, sat on my head, and took a camel crap right in my empy eye socket! only one eye, you know. master refuse me water, so had to clean out socket with my own urine! socket become very infected! pus runs down my head! i come home and carrot baby beat me! "mama, you no bring food! your ( Read more... )

let me tell you, the carrot baby is stinking more than ever! everyday he screech, "mama! why potato daddy always try to gnaw on my sweet carrot flesh?!" arr! how i loathe potato husband and the carrot baby. how i long to run from this barren desert. i wish i was barren rather than having this carrot-bearing womb. i go into town to purchase the ( Read more... )

oh, very tough couple of weeks, let me tell you. carrot baby taken away by ravenous desert wolves. was horrible! he shrieked! mama, mama, he says as the wolves are running out of our cave home with him! of course i had to run after them to get carrot baby back! he need to work and milk goats! i run after wolves for many days. they stop only to ( Read more... )