Don't Let Your Mistakes Define Your Life (1/2)
Title: Don't Let Your Mistakes Define Your Life
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: PG13
Summary: Kris gives an eulogy and remembers the past
Author's note: MINOR CHARACTER DEATH though the summary/beginning sums that up. This is kind of a personal fic in lots of ways. Comments are loved and appreciated, but just enjoy! artwork by the lovely katekat10
(I)
Kris held a note card in his hand, a reminder of everything he had thought of to say, of everything that needed to be said. He ran a hand through his hair, cleared his throat. He wasn’t nervous. He wasn’t sure what he felt at that moment. The air was full of expectation, and that he understood. He looked down at his card.
"First, I have to say that it was an honor to be asked to speak today. I have to admit, when Danny's mom asked me," he smiled at Danny's mother, "I wanted to say no. But then I remembered that of all the people in his life, I may have known him best. Not just because I've been crashing at his house for the past three years. But because he was my friend. Because he did so much for me. Because he was Danny."
Kris looked into the room, some of the faces familiar, some not so much. It was a field of blacks and grays, Allison's hair sticking out more than usual. He cleared his throat again, looked directly at Adam, who raised an eyebrow in a way that dared him to fuck it up. Kris almost grinned, because it was exactly what he needed. He nodded once, looked back at the cards. Remembered.
"The first thing that you should know about Danny is that he was a good guy. The best guy. Even when it was ending... I know most of you probably know that he's a good guy. I'm sure all of you understand that. But it's important to remember it, because it was such a fundamental part of Danny. He put me up for three years because he was a good guy. Even when I broke one of his wedding dishes, he was still a good guy. Mad, but good."
A small laugh passed around the room, small smiles on most of the faces. Kris rubbed his empty left hand reflexively....
March 2010
Kris sat down on Danny's couch, laid his head back. It was nice to be somewhere quiet for once, his house... he didn't want to think about his house at the moment, didn't want to go back just yet even though he had just gotten home from a trip to New York.
"So, what's up?"
"Here," Danny handed him a white rubber bracelet with green writing and Kris sighed.
"What's this? Pulmonary fibrosis? A new cause, Danny?"
"Not exactly. Do you remember when I had bronchitis last December?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah, you had to put back the album."
"Remember how the doctor saw something funny, and wanted to take a look?"
Kris looked at the bracelet, then up at Danny, who was fiddling with his hands, looking down at the floor. "Danny, is this what they found?"
Danny sighed. "Yeah."
"What exactly does it mean?"
Kris saw it in Danny's face before he said a word. "Um, well, to put it in simple terms, the air sacs in my lungs are hardening over time, which decreases lung capacity. "
"Jesus," Kris swallowed.
"So, what are your options?"
"Umm, there are some experimental drugs. Unfortunately the kind I have doesn't respond to steroids, so that's out. Other than that? A lung transplant. If I qualify."
Kris wanted to walk out right then. His life is complicated enough without dealing with this. But Danny was his friend, and what was one more complication? "Okay. So say you don't qualify? What if they don't find a match?"
The question hung for a moment. Danny had an answer, but Kris could tell he was trying to find a way to say it.
"Worst case scenario?" Danny swallowed, shrugs. "Six years."
"Fuck."
Danny chuckled. "My thoughts exactly. It's okay, cause my doctor said that I was young, I had a lot of things going for me. As long as I took care of myself, then I'd be fine. That my chances were probably pretty good."
Kris still said nothing, let Danny get it all out. His rambling wasn't annoying, not really. It was just sometimes Danny had so much to say and he couldn't get it out fast enough.
"Plus my doctor said with a disease like this there's no telling how it will go. She says it progresses differently in everyone. So maybe I'll get lucky and just be okay for a really long time, you know? Anyway, I'm really good with this sort of stuff you know?"
It was the plaintive note at the end of the last sentence that got Kris. He remembered that yes, Danny knew all about death, so maybe that was why he seemed so easy about it. Kris could barely process it. He made some sort of conversation before leaving, promising to keep Danny in his prayers.
Danny tilted his head. "Are you ok?"
Kris shrugged. "Not really. I've got a lot of stuff going on. Don't really want to talk about it though."
"If you do, you just call. I'll keep you in my prayers too."
Kris smiled. Only Danny, struck with a life changing disease, would offer to pray for someone else.
*
January 2011
"How come I have to hear about my best friend's divorce on TMZ?"
Kris blinked, looked at the alarm clock next to his bed in the hotel. "Adam?"
"Well?"
"It's like half past late, man."
"I do not care. I want to know how come I knew NOTHING about this. Seriously, Kristopher, what the hell?"
"Adam, I-"
"What you are going to do is answer your door, because I'm standing outside of it."
Kris stared at the phone as the dial tone rang, could barely register it before the knocking on his door began. The pounding. He threw on a t-shirt, padded to the door, opened it without looking.
"Hi Adam."
Adam shook his head, hugged him, and sat on the couch, arm splayed across the back. "All right, spill. And don't go spouting no comment. Save that for the paps."
"Adam...."
Adam gave him a long look, his face completely earnest. It was the one Kris remembered specifically, because it was Adam at his most open. The one where his eyes said tell me anything and I will not judge. Except Kris knew this time was different.
"And what the hell are irreconcilable differences? You loved her, she loved you.... I don't understand. Fuck Kris, stop standing there and say something! "
Kris took the opportunity to close the door behind him. Instead of sitting next to Adam, like he normally would, he pwalked over to the TV, leaned against it.
"I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say, Adam," he whispered, mostly to the blank screen in front of him, to the reflection rather than the man.
"Okay, so tell me now. Obviously you've decided to give her the house. Softie."
"Actually we're selling it. Dividing the money. Since she has her own career to fall back on, we've decided that fifty-fifty works best."
"You still love her."
Kris turned, stared. "Of course I still love her, Adam. We've been together for almost ten years now. Married for almost three..."
"Okay," Adam leaned forward, "So what happened? Seriously Kris. I did not see this coming and it's killing me."
"Everything. Nothing I guess if I had to sum it up, it was a bunch of little things that added up to one big thing. I don't know."
"And what would you say was the exact breaking point?"
Kris laughed, sat on the couch, as far away as he could get. "Well the one recurring theme in our fights was feelings."
"Feelings? Not for each other I assume?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Feelings for other people."
Adam paused, the stillness of the room punctuated only by the stray sound of a car passing below.
"You,or her?"
Kris put his head in his hands. "Mostly me."
Kris knew the next question, silently begged Adam not to ask it.
"So you had feelings. It's not like you acted on them, right?"
"No."
"But?"
Kris didn't want to say it, but knew Adam would find out on way or another. "She said it was because the other person was better at hiding feelings than I was. That maybe I should go be with.... with him if it's what made me happy. I told her that I would never betray her trust. That it was nothing, that it was..."
Adam's face was panicked. He had caught the appropriate word after all. "Kris..."
"Don't, okay?" Kris could barely peek through his fingers he was so worried."I mean, I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything." Adam stood, restless, pacing, arms moving as he talked. "Okay, so let me assume here okay?Let me just assume that I'm him. Am I right?"
Kris doesn't move. He doesn't have to.
"What the fuck Kris? Is this new? Old? How long? I'm your best friend, man! It's kind of weird."
Kris lifted his head. "Are you kidding me?"
Adam's eyebrows creased. "No. I'm legitimately freaked out here."
"So it was okay for you to have a crush on me, but not the other way around?"
"I didn't think you were serious when you said it!"
"I wasn't then!"
"Then what the hell changed?"
Kris only then realized that they had begun to yell, was glad he had signed for the suite, although if they got much louder, the people below him might hear.
"I don't know." He rubbed his face. "Anyway, it's nothing, just stuff."
"Nothing? My straight best friend tells me he has feelings for me and it's nothing? I don't think so."
"Aren't you the one who said a crush is a harmless thing?"
" Kristopher! Seriously!" Adam was full tilt now. Kris had only seen him this angry once or twice before. "Did you really believe half the things I said about that? Because most of it was to protect myself, to protect you."
"Maybe I did," Kris mumbled. His head was pounding. This was exactly the reason he had not told Adam.
"I can't deal with this. I cannot deal with this."
"Adam, please." Adam turned, watched as Kris stood and walked over.
"What?"
"Don't do this."
"I have to."
"Why?" Kris could see the tears, see the fight to keep them back.
"Can you honestly look at me, tell me you have had feelings for me and pretend everything is the same?"
"No, but I'd like to try."
Adam laughed, the one Kris hated most, dry and short and completely cynical. "You just. Don't. Get. It. Do you honestly think that you getting a divorce and us being buddy buddy right now is the best idea? Especially with your damnable face? Thanks, but I'd rather not get hounded any more than I am. Call me when things blow over. When you get your head on straight. whatever. But you need to figure out you first. I'm sorry."
Kris could have stopped him, but the churning in his stomach was too painful for him to move. Maybe Adam was right. Kris slammed the door, locked it. He leaned against it, sliding to the floor, sobs racking his body as he began to realize how badly he had fucked up everything in his life
*
February 2011
"Hey, Danny, what's up?"
"Saw you on TV today."
"Yeah?"
"Are you insane? You're thinking of going on tour?"
Kris sighed. "I said I was thinking about it. if I'm going to be living in a hotel room, I might as well be working."
"Do not make the mistake I did. Trust me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Look, my publicist did not hear this: trying out for Idol was probably the worst idea I ever had. I mean, I hadn't processed everything yet, and so, it made everything harder. You have to give yourself time to process Kris."
"I can't live in a hotel forever. I'm not ready to buy a house. Apartments suck."
"Look, come spend a couple weeks at my place, okay? Just don't do anything stupid."
(II)
Kris looked back at his notes, taking a breath. "The second thing that is important about Danny was that he always knew more than you thought. He may have looked clueless," somewhere in the room, Matt snorted loudly, "but he simply liked to play things close. Often, he would surprise me, revealing that he was in fact, not only observant, but pretty damn superior about it too."
This time it was Anoop. "Honestly, one time we tried to prank him, and he turned it around on all of us. We heard about it for weeks on end." Another laugh. Kris nodded to himself. Danny would have wanted laughter.
July 2011
Kris lay on Danny's couch aimlessly flipping through the channels, too tired to really watch, not tired enough to turn it off. That had been his existence for the last six months. Danny didn't bother him much, he was too involved in doctors appointments, meetings with his publicist. Kris had picked up his phone dozens of times, but couldn't call the one person he wanted to. He had spoken to Alli, Matt, the others, but the one voice he wanted to hear, he didn't have the courage to try and call. He wrote music, but it was mostly about Katy. It was also mostly shit. So he spent most of his time worrying about soap opera characters and playing game shows at home.
Danny came in from one of his appointments, cheerful as always, sighed as he saw Kris splayed across the couch. They had only had one epic argument, when Kris had lain in the kitchen with a bottle in his hand, not even close to drunk. Danny had yelled at him and told him he should know better. Kris had admitted he was right.
"If I had known you were going to be this depressing, I might not have offered to let you stay."
"I'll leave if you want me too."
Danny frowned. "Kris, seriously, I know you need time, but this is ridiculous. You told me yourself that it had been over for months. That is not what is depressing you."
Kris sat up, leaned back into the couch. "No, it's not."
Danny sat down. "Let me guess. It's Adam."
Kris felt his mouth drop. "What?"
Danny grinned. "C'mon. Do you really think I'm that stupid? You guys are like best friends. If you were going to be crashing anywhere, it should be his place."
"Maybe I didn't feel comfortable there."
"Bull. Spill it Allen."
Kris clenched his fists. "Look, I barely wanted to talk to him about it, what do think that means for you?"
Danny sighed, leaned over. "Look, the only way it's going to get better is if you let it out. Okay? So spill."
Kris pinched the bridge of his nose. "So when Adam asked me why I got divorced I told him there were many reasons."
"Ok."
"One of them was feelings. Feelings that I had."
Danny hesitated. Kris could hear his thoughts, wondered what was coming next. "For Adam?"
Kris let out a breath. "Yes."
"I can see how that could be a problem." Danny nodded seriously.
Kris could barely believe his calm demeanor. Maybe it was a sign that Danny had grown. Maybe it was a sign that Danny might be more aware than he let on.
"Understatement of the year. Now he's not talking to me."
"Have you tried to? I mean really tried?"
"No."
Danny folded his arms. "Well? What are you waiting for?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Look, the two of you are supposed to be best friends. Anyone can see that. Anything beyond that, well, whatever. But if you don't at least try, then you'll never know? Right?"
It hit Kris all over again. "Don't let your mistakes define your life?"
"Exactly. Now go call him. Text him. Just don't let your best friend evade you like that. And if nothing comes of it, then you tried. And then maybe you can move on."
(III)
"So now that I've been nice to Danny, I have to say that if he had one fault, it was his stubborn refusal to let anyone help him. It was always him helping everyone else. Even when things took a turn for the worse for him, he was still trying to make things better for others. So maybe it wasn't so much of a fault. Maybe it was an asset. I know at least for me, Danny's help changed my life, turned me around. Maybe it did for you, too."
August 2011
Kris grinned as he hauled his suitcase to the door. He had finally received his first text back from Adam. Will you stop calling me if I tell you I'm filing a restraining order? It wasn't much, but it was an answer. Kris had started by calling once a week, but now was leaving a voice mail a day, and at least ten text messages. Some were serious, others were silly. He sang song lyrics that he thought were appropriate. He would have considered breaking into Adam's house, except there was a gate and a security code. But Danny said he might have a way for working around that.
He frowned at the base of the stairs, noticing new medical equipment.
"Danny?"
"Hey." Kris froze.
Danny was shuffling along, a long tube trailing behind him.
"I thought I told you to cal me if anything changed!"
"Yes, dear," Danny mocked. "I know, I know. It's a setback. But lots of people are on oxygen twenty four hours a day. Plus I think I might be able to cop a handicap sticker out of it so...."
"Danny."
"Kris, I'm fine. Seriously. Anyway, it'll be funny when you trip up over the hose."
Kris didn't push it. He had gotten more information off of the internet than he had out of Danny. He knew more about oxygen and air sacs than he would like too. He started because he was curious. Then he did it because he needed to know, because he was concerned that Danny was too involved in other things to take care of himself. It was like having a child sometimes. Kris would get annoyed with Danny over some of the things he did, but he had to remember that Danny was an adult, plus this was his house.
"Fine. But when I tell you to call me, do it. I need to know how you're doing man."
"Okay, okay, mom. So any news from you?"
Kris nodded. "But nothing exciting. The second album is going well, they want to finish it up and start a tour soon. I told them I'd let them know when I was ready."
"I meant have you heard from Adam yet?"
"Well, not exactly. He threatened me with a restraining order."
Danny laughed. "Well, then I have the thing for you."
Kris glanced at him. "And what exactly is that?"
"I got Allison to give me her security code."
"You didn't."
"I did."
"How?"
"Told her the truth. She pretty much caved in. Now don't give me that look, you can't tell me that Allison was not aware of this."
"I never confirmed anything to her." Kris stared at Danny who looked surprised. "What? She would give me those eyes, where she was all expectant and stuff, and I didn't want her to hope too much, you know? And anyway, she's expecting things to end happily ever after, whereas I'm perfectly willing to settle for a phone call now and then."
Danny was laughing so hard he began to cough. Kris immediately pulled out his phone, but Danny waved him off. "This is great. I should write this all down and make millions on a book deal."
"Thanks. So what do I say when I get there?"
"Are you serious, Kris?"
Kris bit his lip. "I just...I'm afraid I'm going to screw it all up."
Danny dissolved in laughter again. "Do you realize you are asking me to give you advice on how to make up with your gay best friend whom you might possibly have feelings for?"
Kris looked at Danny, began to laugh for the first time in months.
(IV)
Kris shuffled his feet, looked into the assembled again. He immediately caught Adam's eyes, latched on to them.
"Another thing that surprised me about Danny, the more I knew him, was that he was a pretty open guy. Forget that he didn't always act like it, Danny was pretty open-minded about a lot of things. Whenever I needed advice, no matter how weird or scary, Danny had an answer. I don't know how he did it sometimes, putting up with me. I guess it was his big fuzzy heart."
August-December 2011
Kris sat in his car, the code in his hand memorized. He had waited a couple days before coming here. He was afraid to try and use it, afraid Allison may have regretted her decision. Until she called him and told him if he didn't use it she was going to drag him down here herself. And he believed her. Closing his eyes, Kris took a deep breath. You're already not speaking to him, so really it can't get much worse, right?
The house was everything Kris expected. It was big, but not so much it looked ridiculous. The grounds were a riot of flowers already, staff moving unobtrusively in the gardens. Kris knew Adam wasn't there yet, knew he had an interview this morning. So he drove up to the door, tipped the valet, and knocked on the door. A very confused staff member answered the door, recognizing Kris.
"Don't worry, Adam knows I'm coming. Do you think I could have gotten past the gate without him knowing?"
The maid (or whatever she was) nodded, led Kris to a room that was so definitely Adam he grinned. It was leather and chrome, but with colors splashed around the edges, a hint of sparkle in the paint. He noticed awards placed in niches, walked around to read them, pausing at the one Grammy that meant the most. The one they had shared.
Kris remembered writing the song, for a movie, even though it hadn't fit him. Katy had asked him about it, and Kris said, I don't know, I guess I was in an Adam mood that day.
So he had conned Adam into recording the song. Thinking back it was probably the beginnings of when Kris began to see Adam in a different way.
"How the hell did you convince Allison to give you her code?"
Kris turned, grinned at the sight of Adam, in a casual state of designer jeans and a t-shirt, his face the perfect balance of anger and expectancy.
"I didn't. Danny conned it out of her."
It was a rare treat to see Adam surprised. "Gokey? Danny as in Gokey?"
"Yeah."
"Well I'm changing it tomorrow and she has to convince me that I should give her a new one. What the hell are you doing here, Kris?"
Kris sat in one of the chairs, ignoring the rising anger in Adam's eyes.
"Plan B. You won't answer your phone, so I escalated."
" Seriously. I told you, you needed to sort you out."
Kris delighted in the exasperation in Adam's voice. Hell, just being in the same room had brightened his day.
"But I am sorted."
Adam continued to stare at Kris, who had leaned back, one foot on his knee.
"Really? You've gone from 'having feelings' to okay in six months?"
Kris shook his head. "No. Just I've decided that there are certain things in my life that are too important to let go. You're friendship is one of them. Should I lie and tell you that I feel differently than six months ago?"
Adam sat. "Kris..."
Kris uncrossed his leg, leaned forward. "No. This time I get to explain. This time I'm not half asleep. First off, if you can handle being attracted to me and bunking on a tour bus, then I certainly can handle myself living in a different house. Secondly, it wasn't like I told Katy I wanted to jump you. It was just that I had feelings. I know that's kind of vague, but that's the only way I know how to explain it. Thirdly and most important: when I said there were many reasons I got divorced, that's exactly what I meant." Kris stood again, found a window. "I could go into the gory details--"
"No thank you."
"Or I could say that things changed, and not for the better. I wanted to start a family, she wasn't ready yet. She wanted me to stay home more. I wanted her to stay home more. There were a rainbow of reasons we got divorced and you might have been one color. Does that make sense?"
Adam had been staring at him the whole time, his face as always the perfect mask. But when Kris finished, there was a twitch at the corner of his mouth, then a chuckle. "A rainbow of reasons? Kristopher, it's a wonder you won a Grammy for songwriting."
Kris almost burst at the smile on Adam's face. "Two actually. And an Oscar nomination."
Adam shook his head. "All right, you've made your case."
"So are you going to answer my phone calls?"
Adam sighed. "I don't know. I guess maybe I need time. You threw me a pretty wicked curveball."
Kris mock applauded. "Gold star sports reference."
"You know I love baseball."
"I know you love the uniforms."
Adam threw his head back, laughing, and for a moment, Kris felt he’d gained a little more ground just in that laugh.
"Are you going to change the code. Really?"
"Maybe. Why? "
"Cause I thought I might annoy you some more. I mean Danny's been cool and all, but who else can I talk to about boys and make up and sex?"
Adam bestowed him a narrow look. "Get out of here before I change my mind, Allen."
Kris smiled, "I'll see you."
*
Adam did not change the code. Kris came by every other day or so, only for a few minutes. Long enough to make Adam laugh, to remind him that the only thing that mattered was they had been friends once, they could be again. One time it was after Adam had been caught with his latest boyfriend, Gary or George or something, and Kris had complimented his taste. Had said that Gary/George was quite the catch.
It was a measure of Adam's will that all he did was raise an eyebrow, said, "I hadn't realized you were checking out other men."
"Well, you know. I'm curious," Kris was proud he wasn't blushing yet. "I was wondering if it was just you, or if there was something I had been missing my whole life."
"And?"
"I don't know. I'll let you know once I've kissed a couple. To see ."
"Oh so now we're going to be kissing random guys?"
"Oh, I don't know. I might."
"Kris, I don't know whether to be proud, embarrassed or jealous."
Which was how Kris had found himself on a date with a guy, someone Adam swore could keep quiet. It was nice. Surreal. Kris laid in his bed, replaying the night over, wondering why it hadn't been special. The guy had been super cool, really easy to talk to. But he wasn't Adam. There was the problem. Kris could freely admit that maybe he did find guys attractive, but there was the small problem of that he would always compare them to Adam.
*
"So how was your date?"
"I'm sure my man date is the last thing you want to hear about, Danny."
Danny sat down at the kitchen counter. "I don't know. I'm curious. Is it the same as a girl date?"
"Well no one got flowers if you are asking."
"Hmmm, so you went to dinner. Anything else?" Kris stared at Danny who was leaning forward with genuine interest.
"Really?"
"I've always wondered how it works. The dating thing that is."
"You surprise me, Danny."
"I surprise a lot of people sometimes. So tell me, was it like a girl date?"
"Yes. No. A little. The premise is the same I guess. He asked me if I wanted to go clubbing later this week. I don't think I'm there yet."
Danny laughed. "No. Don't think so. So kiss, no kiss?"
Kris couldn't believe it. "Are you sure you are feeling all right?"
"C'mon, Allen, all those months and all of us dying to know, and Adam wouldn't say a word. We all wondered a little."
Kris cleared his throat, remembering the late nights he and Adam would stay up talking about anything. Anything. "Okay. Kiss."
"And?"
Kris started to blush, mortified. "I don't know. It was nice."
"Are you going out with him again?"
"I don't know. Don't get me wrong, but-"
"He's not Adam."
"How-" Danny gave him a long look. "I know because every girl I go out with isn't Sophia. And you've got it worse, because every girl isn't Katy, and every guy isn't Adam. Sucks to be you."
"Are you mocking me?"
"Maybe. Has Adam decided you're going to be friends yet?"
"No."
"You should try another angle."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Write him a letter. Write him a song. I don't know. Just be persistent. The fact he hasn't turned you away is a good sign, right?"
"Right. Wait, I have an idea."
*
It was the first of June, and Kris was sitting by his phone and waiting. It rang exactly at three, right when Adam got home.
"I can't believe it. It's Tuesday and you aren't here."
"Hi Adam, how are you? I'm good. Glad to hear everything is okay."
"Where are you?"
"Why, do you miss me?"
"Maybe. There's a package here. Did you get me a present?"
"Not exactly. Open it and call me back."
11 reasons why Adam Lambert and Kris Allen should be best friends (again) a list with accompanying music.
Adam, I've been wracking my brain, and then I remembered one of the reasons we're friends (and I choose to believe we are friends), is that we both love music. So drawing inspiration from there, here is a list of ten reasons (with songs included) as to why you should let me be your bestie again.
"For good"-Wicked"
1. People come into our lives for a reason: now I choose to believe fate led me to Hollywood, and the producers put me with you. But there's a reason we were both there. How can you not believe that, given everything that happened on the show? Can you honestly say that the competition would have been the same without each other? I can't even imagine it. Just as hard as it has been without you there by my side, a phone call away. I bet you've missed me too.
2. I know I'm who I am today because of you- who else could have conned me into that sparkly shirt I wore top 3 night? Who else could have assured me that remaking a rap song was a good idea? Who else can I talk to about anything without getting completely embarrassed or shy? (Well, mostly) You are the one person in the world I know who does not judge, is completely honest, even when it hurts, and I miss that. A lot. Danny has an awful habit of skirting around the issue, and sometimes I want to punch him. Don't tell him that. Really, there are things only you and I get about each other. Don’t you miss being able to say anything and watching my reaction? Testing me? I bet you miss making me blush.
3. So much of me is made of what I learned from you. Again, how could I survive this world without knowing that the best accessory is eyeliner? That it isn't what you wear but how you wear it? Who taught me vocal techniques in trade for guitar lessons? Sometimes I wonder if I could have ever made it so far without your help, your guidance. Sometimes I need to pick up the phone and say hey Adam do you think I should wear the blue plaid or the brown. And to hear you say blue, because it matches your eyes. I learned that attitude is everything, that there are so many ways to say nothing to use words as a defense.
"Unusual You"- Britney Spears-\
4. Nothing about you is typical, nothing about you is predictable- okay I know that's obvious. But without you in my life, all I have is Danny, and as surprising as he is sometimes, he's never going to ask me if glitter underwear is too much, or if oral on the first date is a bad thing. Every time I turn around, there is something new about you, and it only make me want to be around to see it. I miss your unpredictability. I miss blushing all the time. And even though I'm as predictable as the calendar, I hope that maybe you want me around too.
"You've got a Friend In Me"-Randy Newman
5. You've got troubles, well I've got em too, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. Do you remember, after the tour was over, we promised we'd be there no matter what shit was going down? Well you haven't been there, and it's sucked. I’m hoping the fact that I wasn’t there for you sucked too, because then we’re in the same boat. I know I threw you for a loop. It threw me for a loop too. I'm not going to say that my feelings have gone away, because they haven't. But the most important thing is that if we're old and gray, and still just best friends, I'm okay with that if that's what makes you happy. I want to be the first person you call after a break up, when you get married, when you have babies. I want that to be me. I want you to be that person for me, too.
"My Life Would Suck Without You"- Kelly Clarkson
6. Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye. Look, when you walked out of my life, I should have stopped and explained everything then. I shouldn't have gone six months without you knowing that I screwed things up. I'm sorry. I should have told you about everything earlier. I was just so afraid I would lose you. And I did.
7. My Life would (and has) Suck (ed) Without You. Seriously this says everything.
"You've Got to Have Friends"- Bette Midler
8. You've got to have friends to make the day last long- Frankly, without you, time has reached a slow, muddling pace. Every day is the same as the last. When you are around, everything is brighter. I need more bright in my life. At least that's what you told me before.
"We Go Together"- Grease
9. We go together like rama lama lama be ding a de dinga dong. Bet no one makes you laugh like that.
"Endlessly"- Muse
10. I won't give up, I won't let you down and I won't leave you falling if the moment ever comes. Seriously. I'm not going to give up until you either say yes or call in that restraining order. I know I've made mistakes, but I'm not letting that rule my life. (and you have no idea how much Gokey gloated when I adopted his philosophy). I can't promise for sure that I won't let you down, but I will promise that I'm going to try, and if I do let you down, I'm just going to make it up to you in some way.
"Adam"- Kris Allen
11. Call me before you get to this one. I want to hear you laugh and curse me for getting this music back in your head after all this time. It's certainly stuck in mine.
Kris picked up the phone, heard the familiar music in the background.
"You had to use the bubbletweet music."
"Catchy huh?" Kris could hear himself singing in the background, the music Matt had originally come up with, with his own lyrics,
"It's a song I wrote for Adam/ convincing him to be my best friend/ It's a song I wrote for Adam to say there are broken bridges to mend. It's a song I wrote for Adam/saying he's acting stupid/ It's a song I wrote for Adam/It's not like I was struck by cupid. It's a song I wrote for Adam we really got along so well/It's a song I wrote for Adam I've been annoying as hell. It's a song I wrote for Adam hoping he finally says yes/ It's a song I wrote for Adam/ please don't make me wait and guess."
"Kristopher..."
Kris tried to decide what it was he heard in Adam's voice, but couldn't tell. "Yeah?"
"Has anyone ever told you that you are too perfect sometimes?"
"You did on several occasions."
"Yeah. So I'm changing my security code tomorrow."
Kris's heart sank a little.
"But you can have your own code now. I give up. You win. You can even bring over Danny if you want. Just as long as he doesn't cough up a lung on my carpet."
"Mmmm.. lungburgers."
"Kristopher Neil Allen!"
"Aren't you glad you have me back?"
"Don't make me regret my words."
"I won't."
*
The first time they hung out again as friends Adam lay it out on the line.
"All right, before I change my mind, tell me what really happened. The whole story."
"Adam..."
"Do it. I bet even Danny doesn't know the gory details."
"Danny has other things to worry about right now."
"Is he doing okay? Really? Cause he says he is, but I don't know. He has a habit of glossing things over."
Kris leaned back in his chair, sighing. "I don't know. Everything seems to be on a level right now. It’s hard saying. It's a hard thing to deal with, because every case is different. And Danny, he's always positive, but somewhere down deep, it's starting to get to him a little."
"And are you okay?" Adam tilted his head just slightly, his eyes never moving.
"I guess. I don't know. I thought you wanted to hear about my divorce?"
Adam smiled, "Well yes, but I thought I'd warm you up to it."
Kris shook his head. "Where do I begin? Can I just list reasons?"
"Will you elaborate if I ask?"
"Depends."
"Then by all means list away." Adam swept his hand across, as if Kris were speaking to a wide audience.
"Well, I guess it started with our schedules. We never saw each other. We tried. But the more we saw each other the less it seemed we had in common. I wanted kids. She wasn't ready yet."
"You would have had adorable babies."
Kris pressed his lips together. "Not helping."
Adam nodded, motioning for Kris to go on.
"We started fighting about stupid stuff. I began to forget why we got married in the first place. I..." He rubbed his eyes, surely he had cried about it enough. "I don't know. It just seemed with every passing day, there was less us and more me and her."
"But you still loved each other."
"I married her. I'll always love her in some way. Maybe in another lifetime, another universe, maybe it would have worked. I don't know. I still talk to her every once in awhile. Maybe we can be friends, if we try hard enough. Is that gory enough for you?"
"One more question."
Kris shut his eyes. He had glossed over the part that had gotten him and Adam into trouble in the first place. "You want to know about my feelings."
"I do." Kris could hear Adam shift. "I had a lot of time to think about it, and the one question that always came to me was when? When did it change?"
Kris sat up, looked directly at Adam. "I don't know. Not exactly. Sometime between then and now. God," Kris rubbed his face again. "Do you remember when we were working on the song, and we went out to that hole in the wall by the beach?"
"Yeah. It was called Bob's, and I feared for my life," Adam smirked.
"They loved you there. Do you remember that abandoned house, with the swing set?"
"Yeah. We totally broke into the backyard, and I couldn't use the slide cause I was too tall."
"I was too tall for that slide. I think it was then."
"Then? Really?"
Kris nodded, remembering how Adam had tucked his legs and leaned back as he glided through the air, the complete bliss on his face. He remembered Adam daring him to do the same, catching Adam's eyes as his heart beat in his chest from fear that the rusty swingset would break underneath him. Looking up at the stars, then down again, and he had seen the complete joy on Adam’s face, the complete freedom then, and something had shifted. Well, not shifted. Maybe for the first time, Kris acknowledged a possibility that wasn't there before. That was when everything changed.
Kris looked at Adam. "Really."
"And if I told you that I wasn't interested?"
"Okay."
"You'd do that for me?"
"You did it for me."
Adam nodded, filing away some sort of mental thought. "All right. I'm good. Now tell me, what's it like living with Danny? Really?"
*
The next months passed in a blur. Kris decided to finish his second album, most of the music he had written was better. In fact he was quite proud of all of the songs. If there was a unifying theme to his first album, he couldn't point it out. For his second, it was most certainly redemption. In all the ways it was possible. The first person he thanked was Katy, for being strong enough to stand with him, and for being strong enough to stand alone. The second person he thanked was Danny, for putting up with him, for reminding him that no one was perfect, that he had to make mistakes in order to learn from them. The third person he thanked was Adam, for remaining his friend, even when things got weird, for putting up with all the curveballs he had thrown and was planning to throw in the future.
Adam had called him on that one. "All the curveballs you are planning on throwing my way?"
"Well, you know, just in case."
"Sometimes I wonder Kristopher, how it is I put up with you."
Kris smiled, and went on with planning a tour. The problem was, was that no matter what promise he had made Adam, things were different. Kris recognized the attraction. When Adam was there, everything was brighter, he picked up. Every time he looked at Adam, Kris noticed something else he liked. He tried not to stare too long, tried to hide it. He wasn't so sure he was doing too well.
Adam and Danny kept setting him up on dates, both boys and girls. Kris's publicist yelled at him when the pictures came out, but Kris simply made no comment to the media, and told her at least he wasn't making a fool of himself. His album sold very well the first week: whether it was because Kris Allen's music was good or because Kris Allen was on Access Hollywood every week, Kris didn't know. Or care.
Until the night of his first concert.
He decided to start in LA, move east, do a few dates in Canada, go to Europe for awhile, then crisscross back home. It would be a year or so before he could be back permanently, but it made him glad. He felt he had imposed on Danny's hospitality for long enough. And maybe on the road, he could begin to clear his head, to resolve himself that he needed to move on.
He smiled as he saw friends in the crowd, the night passing in a blur of music and cheers and lights. There was a small after party. Danny left early, saying he was tired. Allison jetted off because she had a recording session at o dark early, as she said. Kris found himself briefly with Katy, who hugged him warmly and told him she was happy for him.
"The record is good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Are you doing okay?"
"I think so. Hard to say."
"All right Kristopher. Spill."
"I don't know. Part of me feels guilty for leaving Danny alone, because sometimes I think he needs someone there to stop him from having a complete breakdown. Or just to keep him from lying to himself about how he feels. Hell, just to keep him line. A part of me feels relieved, because it's damn depressing being around him sometimes. But then I feel guilty because I feel relieved."
Katy rubbed his shoulder with one hand. "Not to mention that you're totally falling for your best friend. Don't give me that pained look. I have eyes you know."
"Katy, it was hard enough to convince him we should still be friends without adding anything else into the mix."
"If you are telling me he wants to be just friends, then you obviously haven't seen the way he's been looking at you, either." She shook her head. "Boys. Trust me, no matter what he says, he's still interested."
Kris managed not to look at Adam, an effort that was almost too much. "Really?"
She smiled. "Really. Now are you going to do something about it, or not?"
Kris stewed on this awhile, until the only two people left were him and Adam. He ended up driving Adam home, because Adam was slightly drunk.
He managed to prop Adam up enough to get him in his house, to sit him on his bed. Kris took off his shoes, and grabbed a glass of water for him to have in the morning.
"Are you leaving me now?" Adam mumbled, still sitting up, though not very well.
"Yes. I'll call to make sure you survived the night."
"All right." Adam stood, walked over and gave Kris a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
He stood like that for a moment, still breathing on Kris. Kris sighed, his insides curling inward. Adam smelled like vodka and cologne and his hair was sticking up in so many ways, he kind of resembled a hedgehog. His eyes were slightly blurred by the alcohol, his face smudged. He was still perfect.
"Are you going to say goodnight. Kris?"
Kris nodded slowly, his head thick. To hell with it. "Night Adam."
He turned his head, thankful Adam is slouched down, pressed his lips warmly against Adam's. He heard the quick gasp, saw the widening of Adam's eyes as he leaned in, probing gently with his tongue. Adam hadn't moved yet. Kris pulled away, looked at Adam carefully.
"Why did you stop?" Adam asked, and that was enough for Kris. He pushed Adam into the door, his hands holding down Adam's, first exploring Adam's mouth, the line of his chin, gently nipping at the hollow of his throat, everything inside of him tightening as Adam let out a small moan, working his way back up.
"Thought," Adam gasped as Kris bit his ear, licked behind it, "we agreed," Kris shifted, knowing exactly what Adam was feeling now, "to be friends."
Kris snapped out of his daze, looked up, cursed himself silently. "Yeah. Um. Jesus. You're drunk."
"Yes, I am. I like drunk sex."
Kris had to restrain himself as Adam grabbed for him, was suddenly aware of how precarious things were. He gently led Adam back to his bed.
"You should sleep."
"I don't want to sleep right now."
“Yes you do."
The next morning when he called Adam, Adam asked him if he had done anything inappropriate. Kris knew Adam was lying about what he remembered. It hurt a little, but he also remembered that he had promised Adam, that he had broken that promise. So maybe it was better if they both pretended nothing had happened.
But when Kris closed his eyes all he could remember was how perfect they had fit together, and he knew he was in trouble.
Part Two poppetawoppet.livejournal.com/6327.html
b
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: PG13
Summary: Kris gives an eulogy and remembers the past
Author's note: MINOR CHARACTER DEATH though the summary/beginning sums that up. This is kind of a personal fic in lots of ways. Comments are loved and appreciated, but just enjoy! artwork by the lovely katekat10
(I)
Kris held a note card in his hand, a reminder of everything he had thought of to say, of everything that needed to be said. He ran a hand through his hair, cleared his throat. He wasn’t nervous. He wasn’t sure what he felt at that moment. The air was full of expectation, and that he understood. He looked down at his card.
"First, I have to say that it was an honor to be asked to speak today. I have to admit, when Danny's mom asked me," he smiled at Danny's mother, "I wanted to say no. But then I remembered that of all the people in his life, I may have known him best. Not just because I've been crashing at his house for the past three years. But because he was my friend. Because he did so much for me. Because he was Danny."
Kris looked into the room, some of the faces familiar, some not so much. It was a field of blacks and grays, Allison's hair sticking out more than usual. He cleared his throat again, looked directly at Adam, who raised an eyebrow in a way that dared him to fuck it up. Kris almost grinned, because it was exactly what he needed. He nodded once, looked back at the cards. Remembered.
"The first thing that you should know about Danny is that he was a good guy. The best guy. Even when it was ending... I know most of you probably know that he's a good guy. I'm sure all of you understand that. But it's important to remember it, because it was such a fundamental part of Danny. He put me up for three years because he was a good guy. Even when I broke one of his wedding dishes, he was still a good guy. Mad, but good."
A small laugh passed around the room, small smiles on most of the faces. Kris rubbed his empty left hand reflexively....
March 2010
Kris sat down on Danny's couch, laid his head back. It was nice to be somewhere quiet for once, his house... he didn't want to think about his house at the moment, didn't want to go back just yet even though he had just gotten home from a trip to New York.
"So, what's up?"
"Here," Danny handed him a white rubber bracelet with green writing and Kris sighed.
"What's this? Pulmonary fibrosis? A new cause, Danny?"
"Not exactly. Do you remember when I had bronchitis last December?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah, you had to put back the album."
"Remember how the doctor saw something funny, and wanted to take a look?"
Kris looked at the bracelet, then up at Danny, who was fiddling with his hands, looking down at the floor. "Danny, is this what they found?"
Danny sighed. "Yeah."
"What exactly does it mean?"
Kris saw it in Danny's face before he said a word. "Um, well, to put it in simple terms, the air sacs in my lungs are hardening over time, which decreases lung capacity. "
"Jesus," Kris swallowed.
"So, what are your options?"
"Umm, there are some experimental drugs. Unfortunately the kind I have doesn't respond to steroids, so that's out. Other than that? A lung transplant. If I qualify."
Kris wanted to walk out right then. His life is complicated enough without dealing with this. But Danny was his friend, and what was one more complication? "Okay. So say you don't qualify? What if they don't find a match?"
The question hung for a moment. Danny had an answer, but Kris could tell he was trying to find a way to say it.
"Worst case scenario?" Danny swallowed, shrugs. "Six years."
"Fuck."
Danny chuckled. "My thoughts exactly. It's okay, cause my doctor said that I was young, I had a lot of things going for me. As long as I took care of myself, then I'd be fine. That my chances were probably pretty good."
Kris still said nothing, let Danny get it all out. His rambling wasn't annoying, not really. It was just sometimes Danny had so much to say and he couldn't get it out fast enough.
"Plus my doctor said with a disease like this there's no telling how it will go. She says it progresses differently in everyone. So maybe I'll get lucky and just be okay for a really long time, you know? Anyway, I'm really good with this sort of stuff you know?"
It was the plaintive note at the end of the last sentence that got Kris. He remembered that yes, Danny knew all about death, so maybe that was why he seemed so easy about it. Kris could barely process it. He made some sort of conversation before leaving, promising to keep Danny in his prayers.
Danny tilted his head. "Are you ok?"
Kris shrugged. "Not really. I've got a lot of stuff going on. Don't really want to talk about it though."
"If you do, you just call. I'll keep you in my prayers too."
Kris smiled. Only Danny, struck with a life changing disease, would offer to pray for someone else.
*
January 2011
"How come I have to hear about my best friend's divorce on TMZ?"
Kris blinked, looked at the alarm clock next to his bed in the hotel. "Adam?"
"Well?"
"It's like half past late, man."
"I do not care. I want to know how come I knew NOTHING about this. Seriously, Kristopher, what the hell?"
"Adam, I-"
"What you are going to do is answer your door, because I'm standing outside of it."
Kris stared at the phone as the dial tone rang, could barely register it before the knocking on his door began. The pounding. He threw on a t-shirt, padded to the door, opened it without looking.
"Hi Adam."
Adam shook his head, hugged him, and sat on the couch, arm splayed across the back. "All right, spill. And don't go spouting no comment. Save that for the paps."
"Adam...."
Adam gave him a long look, his face completely earnest. It was the one Kris remembered specifically, because it was Adam at his most open. The one where his eyes said tell me anything and I will not judge. Except Kris knew this time was different.
"And what the hell are irreconcilable differences? You loved her, she loved you.... I don't understand. Fuck Kris, stop standing there and say something! "
Kris took the opportunity to close the door behind him. Instead of sitting next to Adam, like he normally would, he pwalked over to the TV, leaned against it.
"I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say, Adam," he whispered, mostly to the blank screen in front of him, to the reflection rather than the man.
"Okay, so tell me now. Obviously you've decided to give her the house. Softie."
"Actually we're selling it. Dividing the money. Since she has her own career to fall back on, we've decided that fifty-fifty works best."
"You still love her."
Kris turned, stared. "Of course I still love her, Adam. We've been together for almost ten years now. Married for almost three..."
"Okay," Adam leaned forward, "So what happened? Seriously Kris. I did not see this coming and it's killing me."
"Everything. Nothing I guess if I had to sum it up, it was a bunch of little things that added up to one big thing. I don't know."
"And what would you say was the exact breaking point?"
Kris laughed, sat on the couch, as far away as he could get. "Well the one recurring theme in our fights was feelings."
"Feelings? Not for each other I assume?"
Kris nodded. "Yeah. Feelings for other people."
Adam paused, the stillness of the room punctuated only by the stray sound of a car passing below.
"You,or her?"
Kris put his head in his hands. "Mostly me."
Kris knew the next question, silently begged Adam not to ask it.
"So you had feelings. It's not like you acted on them, right?"
"No."
"But?"
Kris didn't want to say it, but knew Adam would find out on way or another. "She said it was because the other person was better at hiding feelings than I was. That maybe I should go be with.... with him if it's what made me happy. I told her that I would never betray her trust. That it was nothing, that it was..."
Adam's face was panicked. He had caught the appropriate word after all. "Kris..."
"Don't, okay?" Kris could barely peek through his fingers he was so worried."I mean, I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything." Adam stood, restless, pacing, arms moving as he talked. "Okay, so let me assume here okay?Let me just assume that I'm him. Am I right?"
Kris doesn't move. He doesn't have to.
"What the fuck Kris? Is this new? Old? How long? I'm your best friend, man! It's kind of weird."
Kris lifted his head. "Are you kidding me?"
Adam's eyebrows creased. "No. I'm legitimately freaked out here."
"So it was okay for you to have a crush on me, but not the other way around?"
"I didn't think you were serious when you said it!"
"I wasn't then!"
"Then what the hell changed?"
Kris only then realized that they had begun to yell, was glad he had signed for the suite, although if they got much louder, the people below him might hear.
"I don't know." He rubbed his face. "Anyway, it's nothing, just stuff."
"Nothing? My straight best friend tells me he has feelings for me and it's nothing? I don't think so."
"Aren't you the one who said a crush is a harmless thing?"
" Kristopher! Seriously!" Adam was full tilt now. Kris had only seen him this angry once or twice before. "Did you really believe half the things I said about that? Because most of it was to protect myself, to protect you."
"Maybe I did," Kris mumbled. His head was pounding. This was exactly the reason he had not told Adam.
"I can't deal with this. I cannot deal with this."
"Adam, please." Adam turned, watched as Kris stood and walked over.
"What?"
"Don't do this."
"I have to."
"Why?" Kris could see the tears, see the fight to keep them back.
"Can you honestly look at me, tell me you have had feelings for me and pretend everything is the same?"
"No, but I'd like to try."
Adam laughed, the one Kris hated most, dry and short and completely cynical. "You just. Don't. Get. It. Do you honestly think that you getting a divorce and us being buddy buddy right now is the best idea? Especially with your damnable face? Thanks, but I'd rather not get hounded any more than I am. Call me when things blow over. When you get your head on straight. whatever. But you need to figure out you first. I'm sorry."
Kris could have stopped him, but the churning in his stomach was too painful for him to move. Maybe Adam was right. Kris slammed the door, locked it. He leaned against it, sliding to the floor, sobs racking his body as he began to realize how badly he had fucked up everything in his life
*
February 2011
"Hey, Danny, what's up?"
"Saw you on TV today."
"Yeah?"
"Are you insane? You're thinking of going on tour?"
Kris sighed. "I said I was thinking about it. if I'm going to be living in a hotel room, I might as well be working."
"Do not make the mistake I did. Trust me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Look, my publicist did not hear this: trying out for Idol was probably the worst idea I ever had. I mean, I hadn't processed everything yet, and so, it made everything harder. You have to give yourself time to process Kris."
"I can't live in a hotel forever. I'm not ready to buy a house. Apartments suck."
"Look, come spend a couple weeks at my place, okay? Just don't do anything stupid."
(II)
Kris looked back at his notes, taking a breath. "The second thing that is important about Danny was that he always knew more than you thought. He may have looked clueless," somewhere in the room, Matt snorted loudly, "but he simply liked to play things close. Often, he would surprise me, revealing that he was in fact, not only observant, but pretty damn superior about it too."
This time it was Anoop. "Honestly, one time we tried to prank him, and he turned it around on all of us. We heard about it for weeks on end." Another laugh. Kris nodded to himself. Danny would have wanted laughter.
July 2011
Kris lay on Danny's couch aimlessly flipping through the channels, too tired to really watch, not tired enough to turn it off. That had been his existence for the last six months. Danny didn't bother him much, he was too involved in doctors appointments, meetings with his publicist. Kris had picked up his phone dozens of times, but couldn't call the one person he wanted to. He had spoken to Alli, Matt, the others, but the one voice he wanted to hear, he didn't have the courage to try and call. He wrote music, but it was mostly about Katy. It was also mostly shit. So he spent most of his time worrying about soap opera characters and playing game shows at home.
Danny came in from one of his appointments, cheerful as always, sighed as he saw Kris splayed across the couch. They had only had one epic argument, when Kris had lain in the kitchen with a bottle in his hand, not even close to drunk. Danny had yelled at him and told him he should know better. Kris had admitted he was right.
"If I had known you were going to be this depressing, I might not have offered to let you stay."
"I'll leave if you want me too."
Danny frowned. "Kris, seriously, I know you need time, but this is ridiculous. You told me yourself that it had been over for months. That is not what is depressing you."
Kris sat up, leaned back into the couch. "No, it's not."
Danny sat down. "Let me guess. It's Adam."
Kris felt his mouth drop. "What?"
Danny grinned. "C'mon. Do you really think I'm that stupid? You guys are like best friends. If you were going to be crashing anywhere, it should be his place."
"Maybe I didn't feel comfortable there."
"Bull. Spill it Allen."
Kris clenched his fists. "Look, I barely wanted to talk to him about it, what do think that means for you?"
Danny sighed, leaned over. "Look, the only way it's going to get better is if you let it out. Okay? So spill."
Kris pinched the bridge of his nose. "So when Adam asked me why I got divorced I told him there were many reasons."
"Ok."
"One of them was feelings. Feelings that I had."
Danny hesitated. Kris could hear his thoughts, wondered what was coming next. "For Adam?"
Kris let out a breath. "Yes."
"I can see how that could be a problem." Danny nodded seriously.
Kris could barely believe his calm demeanor. Maybe it was a sign that Danny had grown. Maybe it was a sign that Danny might be more aware than he let on.
"Understatement of the year. Now he's not talking to me."
"Have you tried to? I mean really tried?"
"No."
Danny folded his arms. "Well? What are you waiting for?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Look, the two of you are supposed to be best friends. Anyone can see that. Anything beyond that, well, whatever. But if you don't at least try, then you'll never know? Right?"
It hit Kris all over again. "Don't let your mistakes define your life?"
"Exactly. Now go call him. Text him. Just don't let your best friend evade you like that. And if nothing comes of it, then you tried. And then maybe you can move on."
(III)
"So now that I've been nice to Danny, I have to say that if he had one fault, it was his stubborn refusal to let anyone help him. It was always him helping everyone else. Even when things took a turn for the worse for him, he was still trying to make things better for others. So maybe it wasn't so much of a fault. Maybe it was an asset. I know at least for me, Danny's help changed my life, turned me around. Maybe it did for you, too."
August 2011
Kris grinned as he hauled his suitcase to the door. He had finally received his first text back from Adam. Will you stop calling me if I tell you I'm filing a restraining order? It wasn't much, but it was an answer. Kris had started by calling once a week, but now was leaving a voice mail a day, and at least ten text messages. Some were serious, others were silly. He sang song lyrics that he thought were appropriate. He would have considered breaking into Adam's house, except there was a gate and a security code. But Danny said he might have a way for working around that.
He frowned at the base of the stairs, noticing new medical equipment.
"Danny?"
"Hey." Kris froze.
Danny was shuffling along, a long tube trailing behind him.
"I thought I told you to cal me if anything changed!"
"Yes, dear," Danny mocked. "I know, I know. It's a setback. But lots of people are on oxygen twenty four hours a day. Plus I think I might be able to cop a handicap sticker out of it so...."
"Danny."
"Kris, I'm fine. Seriously. Anyway, it'll be funny when you trip up over the hose."
Kris didn't push it. He had gotten more information off of the internet than he had out of Danny. He knew more about oxygen and air sacs than he would like too. He started because he was curious. Then he did it because he needed to know, because he was concerned that Danny was too involved in other things to take care of himself. It was like having a child sometimes. Kris would get annoyed with Danny over some of the things he did, but he had to remember that Danny was an adult, plus this was his house.
"Fine. But when I tell you to call me, do it. I need to know how you're doing man."
"Okay, okay, mom. So any news from you?"
Kris nodded. "But nothing exciting. The second album is going well, they want to finish it up and start a tour soon. I told them I'd let them know when I was ready."
"I meant have you heard from Adam yet?"
"Well, not exactly. He threatened me with a restraining order."
Danny laughed. "Well, then I have the thing for you."
Kris glanced at him. "And what exactly is that?"
"I got Allison to give me her security code."
"You didn't."
"I did."
"How?"
"Told her the truth. She pretty much caved in. Now don't give me that look, you can't tell me that Allison was not aware of this."
"I never confirmed anything to her." Kris stared at Danny who looked surprised. "What? She would give me those eyes, where she was all expectant and stuff, and I didn't want her to hope too much, you know? And anyway, she's expecting things to end happily ever after, whereas I'm perfectly willing to settle for a phone call now and then."
Danny was laughing so hard he began to cough. Kris immediately pulled out his phone, but Danny waved him off. "This is great. I should write this all down and make millions on a book deal."
"Thanks. So what do I say when I get there?"
"Are you serious, Kris?"
Kris bit his lip. "I just...I'm afraid I'm going to screw it all up."
Danny dissolved in laughter again. "Do you realize you are asking me to give you advice on how to make up with your gay best friend whom you might possibly have feelings for?"
Kris looked at Danny, began to laugh for the first time in months.
(IV)
Kris shuffled his feet, looked into the assembled again. He immediately caught Adam's eyes, latched on to them.
"Another thing that surprised me about Danny, the more I knew him, was that he was a pretty open guy. Forget that he didn't always act like it, Danny was pretty open-minded about a lot of things. Whenever I needed advice, no matter how weird or scary, Danny had an answer. I don't know how he did it sometimes, putting up with me. I guess it was his big fuzzy heart."
August-December 2011
Kris sat in his car, the code in his hand memorized. He had waited a couple days before coming here. He was afraid to try and use it, afraid Allison may have regretted her decision. Until she called him and told him if he didn't use it she was going to drag him down here herself. And he believed her. Closing his eyes, Kris took a deep breath. You're already not speaking to him, so really it can't get much worse, right?
The house was everything Kris expected. It was big, but not so much it looked ridiculous. The grounds were a riot of flowers already, staff moving unobtrusively in the gardens. Kris knew Adam wasn't there yet, knew he had an interview this morning. So he drove up to the door, tipped the valet, and knocked on the door. A very confused staff member answered the door, recognizing Kris.
"Don't worry, Adam knows I'm coming. Do you think I could have gotten past the gate without him knowing?"
The maid (or whatever she was) nodded, led Kris to a room that was so definitely Adam he grinned. It was leather and chrome, but with colors splashed around the edges, a hint of sparkle in the paint. He noticed awards placed in niches, walked around to read them, pausing at the one Grammy that meant the most. The one they had shared.
Kris remembered writing the song, for a movie, even though it hadn't fit him. Katy had asked him about it, and Kris said, I don't know, I guess I was in an Adam mood that day.
So he had conned Adam into recording the song. Thinking back it was probably the beginnings of when Kris began to see Adam in a different way.
"How the hell did you convince Allison to give you her code?"
Kris turned, grinned at the sight of Adam, in a casual state of designer jeans and a t-shirt, his face the perfect balance of anger and expectancy.
"I didn't. Danny conned it out of her."
It was a rare treat to see Adam surprised. "Gokey? Danny as in Gokey?"
"Yeah."
"Well I'm changing it tomorrow and she has to convince me that I should give her a new one. What the hell are you doing here, Kris?"
Kris sat in one of the chairs, ignoring the rising anger in Adam's eyes.
"Plan B. You won't answer your phone, so I escalated."
" Seriously. I told you, you needed to sort you out."
Kris delighted in the exasperation in Adam's voice. Hell, just being in the same room had brightened his day.
"But I am sorted."
Adam continued to stare at Kris, who had leaned back, one foot on his knee.
"Really? You've gone from 'having feelings' to okay in six months?"
Kris shook his head. "No. Just I've decided that there are certain things in my life that are too important to let go. You're friendship is one of them. Should I lie and tell you that I feel differently than six months ago?"
Adam sat. "Kris..."
Kris uncrossed his leg, leaned forward. "No. This time I get to explain. This time I'm not half asleep. First off, if you can handle being attracted to me and bunking on a tour bus, then I certainly can handle myself living in a different house. Secondly, it wasn't like I told Katy I wanted to jump you. It was just that I had feelings. I know that's kind of vague, but that's the only way I know how to explain it. Thirdly and most important: when I said there were many reasons I got divorced, that's exactly what I meant." Kris stood again, found a window. "I could go into the gory details--"
"No thank you."
"Or I could say that things changed, and not for the better. I wanted to start a family, she wasn't ready yet. She wanted me to stay home more. I wanted her to stay home more. There were a rainbow of reasons we got divorced and you might have been one color. Does that make sense?"
Adam had been staring at him the whole time, his face as always the perfect mask. But when Kris finished, there was a twitch at the corner of his mouth, then a chuckle. "A rainbow of reasons? Kristopher, it's a wonder you won a Grammy for songwriting."
Kris almost burst at the smile on Adam's face. "Two actually. And an Oscar nomination."
Adam shook his head. "All right, you've made your case."
"So are you going to answer my phone calls?"
Adam sighed. "I don't know. I guess maybe I need time. You threw me a pretty wicked curveball."
Kris mock applauded. "Gold star sports reference."
"You know I love baseball."
"I know you love the uniforms."
Adam threw his head back, laughing, and for a moment, Kris felt he’d gained a little more ground just in that laugh.
"Are you going to change the code. Really?"
"Maybe. Why? "
"Cause I thought I might annoy you some more. I mean Danny's been cool and all, but who else can I talk to about boys and make up and sex?"
Adam bestowed him a narrow look. "Get out of here before I change my mind, Allen."
Kris smiled, "I'll see you."
*
Adam did not change the code. Kris came by every other day or so, only for a few minutes. Long enough to make Adam laugh, to remind him that the only thing that mattered was they had been friends once, they could be again. One time it was after Adam had been caught with his latest boyfriend, Gary or George or something, and Kris had complimented his taste. Had said that Gary/George was quite the catch.
It was a measure of Adam's will that all he did was raise an eyebrow, said, "I hadn't realized you were checking out other men."
"Well, you know. I'm curious," Kris was proud he wasn't blushing yet. "I was wondering if it was just you, or if there was something I had been missing my whole life."
"And?"
"I don't know. I'll let you know once I've kissed a couple. To see ."
"Oh so now we're going to be kissing random guys?"
"Oh, I don't know. I might."
"Kris, I don't know whether to be proud, embarrassed or jealous."
Which was how Kris had found himself on a date with a guy, someone Adam swore could keep quiet. It was nice. Surreal. Kris laid in his bed, replaying the night over, wondering why it hadn't been special. The guy had been super cool, really easy to talk to. But he wasn't Adam. There was the problem. Kris could freely admit that maybe he did find guys attractive, but there was the small problem of that he would always compare them to Adam.
*
"So how was your date?"
"I'm sure my man date is the last thing you want to hear about, Danny."
Danny sat down at the kitchen counter. "I don't know. I'm curious. Is it the same as a girl date?"
"Well no one got flowers if you are asking."
"Hmmm, so you went to dinner. Anything else?" Kris stared at Danny who was leaning forward with genuine interest.
"Really?"
"I've always wondered how it works. The dating thing that is."
"You surprise me, Danny."
"I surprise a lot of people sometimes. So tell me, was it like a girl date?"
"Yes. No. A little. The premise is the same I guess. He asked me if I wanted to go clubbing later this week. I don't think I'm there yet."
Danny laughed. "No. Don't think so. So kiss, no kiss?"
Kris couldn't believe it. "Are you sure you are feeling all right?"
"C'mon, Allen, all those months and all of us dying to know, and Adam wouldn't say a word. We all wondered a little."
Kris cleared his throat, remembering the late nights he and Adam would stay up talking about anything. Anything. "Okay. Kiss."
"And?"
Kris started to blush, mortified. "I don't know. It was nice."
"Are you going out with him again?"
"I don't know. Don't get me wrong, but-"
"He's not Adam."
"How-" Danny gave him a long look. "I know because every girl I go out with isn't Sophia. And you've got it worse, because every girl isn't Katy, and every guy isn't Adam. Sucks to be you."
"Are you mocking me?"
"Maybe. Has Adam decided you're going to be friends yet?"
"No."
"You should try another angle."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Write him a letter. Write him a song. I don't know. Just be persistent. The fact he hasn't turned you away is a good sign, right?"
"Right. Wait, I have an idea."
*
It was the first of June, and Kris was sitting by his phone and waiting. It rang exactly at three, right when Adam got home.
"I can't believe it. It's Tuesday and you aren't here."
"Hi Adam, how are you? I'm good. Glad to hear everything is okay."
"Where are you?"
"Why, do you miss me?"
"Maybe. There's a package here. Did you get me a present?"
"Not exactly. Open it and call me back."
11 reasons why Adam Lambert and Kris Allen should be best friends (again) a list with accompanying music.
Adam, I've been wracking my brain, and then I remembered one of the reasons we're friends (and I choose to believe we are friends), is that we both love music. So drawing inspiration from there, here is a list of ten reasons (with songs included) as to why you should let me be your bestie again.
"For good"-Wicked"
1. People come into our lives for a reason: now I choose to believe fate led me to Hollywood, and the producers put me with you. But there's a reason we were both there. How can you not believe that, given everything that happened on the show? Can you honestly say that the competition would have been the same without each other? I can't even imagine it. Just as hard as it has been without you there by my side, a phone call away. I bet you've missed me too.
2. I know I'm who I am today because of you- who else could have conned me into that sparkly shirt I wore top 3 night? Who else could have assured me that remaking a rap song was a good idea? Who else can I talk to about anything without getting completely embarrassed or shy? (Well, mostly) You are the one person in the world I know who does not judge, is completely honest, even when it hurts, and I miss that. A lot. Danny has an awful habit of skirting around the issue, and sometimes I want to punch him. Don't tell him that. Really, there are things only you and I get about each other. Don’t you miss being able to say anything and watching my reaction? Testing me? I bet you miss making me blush.
3. So much of me is made of what I learned from you. Again, how could I survive this world without knowing that the best accessory is eyeliner? That it isn't what you wear but how you wear it? Who taught me vocal techniques in trade for guitar lessons? Sometimes I wonder if I could have ever made it so far without your help, your guidance. Sometimes I need to pick up the phone and say hey Adam do you think I should wear the blue plaid or the brown. And to hear you say blue, because it matches your eyes. I learned that attitude is everything, that there are so many ways to say nothing to use words as a defense.
"Unusual You"- Britney Spears-\
4. Nothing about you is typical, nothing about you is predictable- okay I know that's obvious. But without you in my life, all I have is Danny, and as surprising as he is sometimes, he's never going to ask me if glitter underwear is too much, or if oral on the first date is a bad thing. Every time I turn around, there is something new about you, and it only make me want to be around to see it. I miss your unpredictability. I miss blushing all the time. And even though I'm as predictable as the calendar, I hope that maybe you want me around too.
"You've got a Friend In Me"-Randy Newman
5. You've got troubles, well I've got em too, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. Do you remember, after the tour was over, we promised we'd be there no matter what shit was going down? Well you haven't been there, and it's sucked. I’m hoping the fact that I wasn’t there for you sucked too, because then we’re in the same boat. I know I threw you for a loop. It threw me for a loop too. I'm not going to say that my feelings have gone away, because they haven't. But the most important thing is that if we're old and gray, and still just best friends, I'm okay with that if that's what makes you happy. I want to be the first person you call after a break up, when you get married, when you have babies. I want that to be me. I want you to be that person for me, too.
"My Life Would Suck Without You"- Kelly Clarkson
6. Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye. Look, when you walked out of my life, I should have stopped and explained everything then. I shouldn't have gone six months without you knowing that I screwed things up. I'm sorry. I should have told you about everything earlier. I was just so afraid I would lose you. And I did.
7. My Life would (and has) Suck (ed) Without You. Seriously this says everything.
"You've Got to Have Friends"- Bette Midler
8. You've got to have friends to make the day last long- Frankly, without you, time has reached a slow, muddling pace. Every day is the same as the last. When you are around, everything is brighter. I need more bright in my life. At least that's what you told me before.
"We Go Together"- Grease
9. We go together like rama lama lama be ding a de dinga dong. Bet no one makes you laugh like that.
"Endlessly"- Muse
10. I won't give up, I won't let you down and I won't leave you falling if the moment ever comes. Seriously. I'm not going to give up until you either say yes or call in that restraining order. I know I've made mistakes, but I'm not letting that rule my life. (and you have no idea how much Gokey gloated when I adopted his philosophy). I can't promise for sure that I won't let you down, but I will promise that I'm going to try, and if I do let you down, I'm just going to make it up to you in some way.
"Adam"- Kris Allen
11. Call me before you get to this one. I want to hear you laugh and curse me for getting this music back in your head after all this time. It's certainly stuck in mine.
Kris picked up the phone, heard the familiar music in the background.
"You had to use the bubbletweet music."
"Catchy huh?" Kris could hear himself singing in the background, the music Matt had originally come up with, with his own lyrics,
"It's a song I wrote for Adam/ convincing him to be my best friend/ It's a song I wrote for Adam to say there are broken bridges to mend. It's a song I wrote for Adam/saying he's acting stupid/ It's a song I wrote for Adam/It's not like I was struck by cupid. It's a song I wrote for Adam we really got along so well/It's a song I wrote for Adam I've been annoying as hell. It's a song I wrote for Adam hoping he finally says yes/ It's a song I wrote for Adam/ please don't make me wait and guess."
"Kristopher..."
Kris tried to decide what it was he heard in Adam's voice, but couldn't tell. "Yeah?"
"Has anyone ever told you that you are too perfect sometimes?"
"You did on several occasions."
"Yeah. So I'm changing my security code tomorrow."
Kris's heart sank a little.
"But you can have your own code now. I give up. You win. You can even bring over Danny if you want. Just as long as he doesn't cough up a lung on my carpet."
"Mmmm.. lungburgers."
"Kristopher Neil Allen!"
"Aren't you glad you have me back?"
"Don't make me regret my words."
"I won't."
*
The first time they hung out again as friends Adam lay it out on the line.
"All right, before I change my mind, tell me what really happened. The whole story."
"Adam..."
"Do it. I bet even Danny doesn't know the gory details."
"Danny has other things to worry about right now."
"Is he doing okay? Really? Cause he says he is, but I don't know. He has a habit of glossing things over."
Kris leaned back in his chair, sighing. "I don't know. Everything seems to be on a level right now. It’s hard saying. It's a hard thing to deal with, because every case is different. And Danny, he's always positive, but somewhere down deep, it's starting to get to him a little."
"And are you okay?" Adam tilted his head just slightly, his eyes never moving.
"I guess. I don't know. I thought you wanted to hear about my divorce?"
Adam smiled, "Well yes, but I thought I'd warm you up to it."
Kris shook his head. "Where do I begin? Can I just list reasons?"
"Will you elaborate if I ask?"
"Depends."
"Then by all means list away." Adam swept his hand across, as if Kris were speaking to a wide audience.
"Well, I guess it started with our schedules. We never saw each other. We tried. But the more we saw each other the less it seemed we had in common. I wanted kids. She wasn't ready yet."
"You would have had adorable babies."
Kris pressed his lips together. "Not helping."
Adam nodded, motioning for Kris to go on.
"We started fighting about stupid stuff. I began to forget why we got married in the first place. I..." He rubbed his eyes, surely he had cried about it enough. "I don't know. It just seemed with every passing day, there was less us and more me and her."
"But you still loved each other."
"I married her. I'll always love her in some way. Maybe in another lifetime, another universe, maybe it would have worked. I don't know. I still talk to her every once in awhile. Maybe we can be friends, if we try hard enough. Is that gory enough for you?"
"One more question."
Kris shut his eyes. He had glossed over the part that had gotten him and Adam into trouble in the first place. "You want to know about my feelings."
"I do." Kris could hear Adam shift. "I had a lot of time to think about it, and the one question that always came to me was when? When did it change?"
Kris sat up, looked directly at Adam. "I don't know. Not exactly. Sometime between then and now. God," Kris rubbed his face again. "Do you remember when we were working on the song, and we went out to that hole in the wall by the beach?"
"Yeah. It was called Bob's, and I feared for my life," Adam smirked.
"They loved you there. Do you remember that abandoned house, with the swing set?"
"Yeah. We totally broke into the backyard, and I couldn't use the slide cause I was too tall."
"I was too tall for that slide. I think it was then."
"Then? Really?"
Kris nodded, remembering how Adam had tucked his legs and leaned back as he glided through the air, the complete bliss on his face. He remembered Adam daring him to do the same, catching Adam's eyes as his heart beat in his chest from fear that the rusty swingset would break underneath him. Looking up at the stars, then down again, and he had seen the complete joy on Adam’s face, the complete freedom then, and something had shifted. Well, not shifted. Maybe for the first time, Kris acknowledged a possibility that wasn't there before. That was when everything changed.
Kris looked at Adam. "Really."
"And if I told you that I wasn't interested?"
"Okay."
"You'd do that for me?"
"You did it for me."
Adam nodded, filing away some sort of mental thought. "All right. I'm good. Now tell me, what's it like living with Danny? Really?"
*
The next months passed in a blur. Kris decided to finish his second album, most of the music he had written was better. In fact he was quite proud of all of the songs. If there was a unifying theme to his first album, he couldn't point it out. For his second, it was most certainly redemption. In all the ways it was possible. The first person he thanked was Katy, for being strong enough to stand with him, and for being strong enough to stand alone. The second person he thanked was Danny, for putting up with him, for reminding him that no one was perfect, that he had to make mistakes in order to learn from them. The third person he thanked was Adam, for remaining his friend, even when things got weird, for putting up with all the curveballs he had thrown and was planning to throw in the future.
Adam had called him on that one. "All the curveballs you are planning on throwing my way?"
"Well, you know, just in case."
"Sometimes I wonder Kristopher, how it is I put up with you."
Kris smiled, and went on with planning a tour. The problem was, was that no matter what promise he had made Adam, things were different. Kris recognized the attraction. When Adam was there, everything was brighter, he picked up. Every time he looked at Adam, Kris noticed something else he liked. He tried not to stare too long, tried to hide it. He wasn't so sure he was doing too well.
Adam and Danny kept setting him up on dates, both boys and girls. Kris's publicist yelled at him when the pictures came out, but Kris simply made no comment to the media, and told her at least he wasn't making a fool of himself. His album sold very well the first week: whether it was because Kris Allen's music was good or because Kris Allen was on Access Hollywood every week, Kris didn't know. Or care.
Until the night of his first concert.
He decided to start in LA, move east, do a few dates in Canada, go to Europe for awhile, then crisscross back home. It would be a year or so before he could be back permanently, but it made him glad. He felt he had imposed on Danny's hospitality for long enough. And maybe on the road, he could begin to clear his head, to resolve himself that he needed to move on.
He smiled as he saw friends in the crowd, the night passing in a blur of music and cheers and lights. There was a small after party. Danny left early, saying he was tired. Allison jetted off because she had a recording session at o dark early, as she said. Kris found himself briefly with Katy, who hugged him warmly and told him she was happy for him.
"The record is good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Are you doing okay?"
"I think so. Hard to say."
"All right Kristopher. Spill."
"I don't know. Part of me feels guilty for leaving Danny alone, because sometimes I think he needs someone there to stop him from having a complete breakdown. Or just to keep him from lying to himself about how he feels. Hell, just to keep him line. A part of me feels relieved, because it's damn depressing being around him sometimes. But then I feel guilty because I feel relieved."
Katy rubbed his shoulder with one hand. "Not to mention that you're totally falling for your best friend. Don't give me that pained look. I have eyes you know."
"Katy, it was hard enough to convince him we should still be friends without adding anything else into the mix."
"If you are telling me he wants to be just friends, then you obviously haven't seen the way he's been looking at you, either." She shook her head. "Boys. Trust me, no matter what he says, he's still interested."
Kris managed not to look at Adam, an effort that was almost too much. "Really?"
She smiled. "Really. Now are you going to do something about it, or not?"
Kris stewed on this awhile, until the only two people left were him and Adam. He ended up driving Adam home, because Adam was slightly drunk.
He managed to prop Adam up enough to get him in his house, to sit him on his bed. Kris took off his shoes, and grabbed a glass of water for him to have in the morning.
"Are you leaving me now?" Adam mumbled, still sitting up, though not very well.
"Yes. I'll call to make sure you survived the night."
"All right." Adam stood, walked over and gave Kris a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
He stood like that for a moment, still breathing on Kris. Kris sighed, his insides curling inward. Adam smelled like vodka and cologne and his hair was sticking up in so many ways, he kind of resembled a hedgehog. His eyes were slightly blurred by the alcohol, his face smudged. He was still perfect.
"Are you going to say goodnight. Kris?"
Kris nodded slowly, his head thick. To hell with it. "Night Adam."
He turned his head, thankful Adam is slouched down, pressed his lips warmly against Adam's. He heard the quick gasp, saw the widening of Adam's eyes as he leaned in, probing gently with his tongue. Adam hadn't moved yet. Kris pulled away, looked at Adam carefully.
"Why did you stop?" Adam asked, and that was enough for Kris. He pushed Adam into the door, his hands holding down Adam's, first exploring Adam's mouth, the line of his chin, gently nipping at the hollow of his throat, everything inside of him tightening as Adam let out a small moan, working his way back up.
"Thought," Adam gasped as Kris bit his ear, licked behind it, "we agreed," Kris shifted, knowing exactly what Adam was feeling now, "to be friends."
Kris snapped out of his daze, looked up, cursed himself silently. "Yeah. Um. Jesus. You're drunk."
"Yes, I am. I like drunk sex."
Kris had to restrain himself as Adam grabbed for him, was suddenly aware of how precarious things were. He gently led Adam back to his bed.
"You should sleep."
"I don't want to sleep right now."
“Yes you do."
The next morning when he called Adam, Adam asked him if he had done anything inappropriate. Kris knew Adam was lying about what he remembered. It hurt a little, but he also remembered that he had promised Adam, that he had broken that promise. So maybe it was better if they both pretended nothing had happened.
But when Kris closed his eyes all he could remember was how perfect they had fit together, and he knew he was in trouble.
Part Two poppetawoppet.livejournal.com/6327.html
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