i would like to take myself apart and start again.

weirdness, jealous, tension, that constant knot in my stomach, pretending i don't care, boredom, stress, kafka novel, postcards, yo la tengo, too much governance networks partnership devolution shit, i love you, streams of paper, holding a kitten up to a window, coffee and coffee, my leaking toilet, probably not actually all that happy or peaceful ( Read more... )

i am sick to my stomach of FREAKING OUT.

my flesh is storming and darkest blue and inside myself, it is raining hard.

my moods have not been this unpredictable for years. i have so much to learn, i have so so much to learn. let go.

i feel pushed and pulled and stretched and worshipped and vilified and love and fear

i am so tired, so many questions and so few certainties.

"i hate my job"
"no you don't. you love your work. you love working with him. when i say working, i mean drinking."

my chest, breastbone, is aching and aching

i have opened the window, left the door open and the light above the mirror on. i have lit the white candle i was gifted when i moved in, and i am feeling slight

i am indiscreet in ways i cannot help. which shows that i care, except that i am beyond caring

i cross my arms at the wrist and whisper obscenities ( Read more... )

thursday evening was a sicky feeling in my stomach and wondering how strange and inappropriate the truth was

six hours heading north opposite a boy i'm sure i played the viola with, his mother, thai food and the underground bar, reading rooms, sleeping in a child's bed, skipping in the cemetery, heading south and out to the airport, then down to the ( Read more... )

winter version...

where is time going? has it always been like this?

comfortable & breathless & indecent

there are worlds and worlds and worlds inside you

alienation & anomie.

i think i am hollower, honest and less honest, happier than i have been in months and months and months. i am detached but the world fits together better.

i think i need to realise the only person i owe anything to is myself.

how have i been so cold about all this?

"Anyone who has suffered the disproportionate, inordinate and incalculable power of sexual love knows that it is a force which overwhelms both the mind and the character. It annihilates religion, reason, respect and rationality'' (Eskapa 1984, 183).