Arashi: 40,000 km (1/2)
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? IS THIS A FIC UPDATE? WE DON'T DO THAT KIND OF THING AROUND HERE ANYMORE (apparently).
But yeah, it is.
Title: Forty Thousand Kilometres
Fandom: Arashi
Pairing: Sho/Ohno, Nino/Ohno
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~17,800
Genre: General, drama maybe?
Summary: The difference between an exercise in self-discovery and one of self-denial, turns out, is half the circumference of the earth.
Notes: I feel as if I’ve taken a few liberties with the style Ohno and Sho use to write their emails. It doesn’t quite match the way they seem to write online in real life, but I tried to make it characteristic of their voice, while staying consistent to the flow of the story. I just didn’t want to write the emails in the choppy style the Japanese use, but then have them "think" in stream-of-consciousness paragraphs - sort of awkward to read, right?
ALSO: in the midst of writing this, I found out that Ohno (in real life) had moved out of his parents’ house. For the sake of the story, please pretend he hasn’t done that yet.
AND: aeslis, apologies for not waiting for your beta. T___T I just needed to finally post this.
FINALLY: I can't take credit for the photos I used, although I did photoshop them a bit. All of them were found through Google Image searches of the places in question.
DEDICATION!! This is for font, who once upon a time donated extremely generously to my help_haiti bid, and asked for Sho/Ohno, and has been patient, all this time, for her Sho/Ohno. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have been kept really busy with school/life, but seriously, this fic is months overdue and I grovel on my knees in penance, font. I'm still working on the Aiba/Nino one and I am praying that it will not take me as long as this fic took me. I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry. It's the longest time I've ever spent on a fic and I don't know if it was worth it, but I hope you like it.
Forty Thousand Kilometres
There are a number of metaphors for how a man feels when standing at the edge of a precipe, when faced with the sheer undiluted majesty of nature, with nothing but a single footstep separating him from a plunging descent into a very death below. If Sho were to maybe take a few steps backwards from his current position, his head might clear enough for him to think of some. He knows it would make this experience more relatable, more humane, which will render it a good talking point later, when he gets back to Japan and starts on his interview circuit. And needless to say, physically, he'd be quite a bit safer.
But right now, with Sho's heart hammering sharply against his chest like a thrashing ram, his cheeks stinging from the cool wind whipping indecisively around, his eyes trained past stretches of jagged rock and dangling tree roots, caught helplessly on the sparking blue waters curling at the base of the mountain over a mile vertically down from the soles of Sho's feet, Sho's fear of heights has gone past the freaking out point and has overloaded entirely. Fritzed out like a broken light bulb. It leaves his mind eerily... empty.
Sho stares over the cliff of Mitre Peak and is so beyond frightened that he's not scared at all.
Predictably, he thinks of Ohno.
NEW ZEALAND.
Despite being in different hemispheres, Tokyo and Milford Sound are only three hours apart, time zone-wise, so Sho's not surprised when he returns to his inn after his day-long excursion to the tallest sea-cliff in the world (previously known as Sakurai Sho's Masochistic Death Inclination, but now and forevermore labelled as Sakurai Sho's Moment of Glory and Not-Death-At-All), to find new messages in his email inbox.
Nino's is predictable: he asks for Lord of the Rings souvenirs ("not t-shirts, sho-chan, i can't believe you got us tshirts from India when we TOLD YOU not to... if you buy me more t-shirts i will just.......... NO SHIRTS!!!!!!") and demands Sho reveal the exact number of seconds he had spent looking over Mitre Peak ("it doesn't count unless you can actually fall forward into the air, okay??"). There is no mention of Ohno, which Sho can't help but notice.
Aiba's is rushed and typo-ridden, probably because he texted it on the fly while completing the filming for this week's Doubutsuen episode. He says that he's glad Sho landed in New Zealand safely, are there any hobbits, and please tell him that Sho-chan stared over the cliff for over twenty-five seconds because Aiba believes in Sho-chan, and also, Aiba doesn't want Nino winning the bet.
Sho debates asking what the bet was about, but it's already obvious, so he takes his revenge on Nino by proudly informing Aiba that he stood by the peak for a grand total of fifty-one seconds and forty-three milliseconds, and attaches a cell phone picture of his paused wristwatch (courteously timed by a fellow hiker) to prove it. He explains that it could have been over a minute if a nearby hawk hadn't shrieked and startled him. (He doesn't mention the squeak of fear he had let out, echoing the bird's call. It had definitely ruined the moment.)
Jun's message is friendly but succinct; he warns Sho of improperly applied sunscreen, wonders if there really is as much agriculture in New Zealand as popular knowledge assumes, and informs him that his drama filming is going smoothly. "I honestly would hate for schedules to be delayed, resulting in a cancellation of my Hawaii trip," he writes. "I'm looking forward to seeing you there, by the way." There is a happy face emoticon following the period. Sho smiles, imagining Jun typing and retyping that sentence to make it sound as respectfully casual as he lets himself be.
There are a few more emails from friends checking in, his mother, and his manager; Sho replies to all of them politely and efficiently before he reaches the most recent email on the list. Ohno's.
-----
Date: Mar 14, 2015
Subject: (none)
Sho-chan, thank you for all of the emails you sent from Australia! I read them all happily but just didn’t have the time to reply.
Nino says Sho-chan is in new zealand now!! That’s very exciting. I asked Jun-kun if it was very cold in new zealand and he reminded me that it was summer down there, because it’s besides Australia. I should have remembered, right? At least from seeing Aiba yesterday. He was almost as dark as I was!!! Nino made us take a picture, I've attached it for you. is Sho-chan going to climb lots of high mountains? good luck!! You can do it!!!
I’m sorry I haven’t been emailing lately. it’s been very busy. a lot of things to do and think about!! Thanks for your advice for the filming. I don’t really feel like that around Nino though.
Nino has been going drinking with Jun-kun a lot lately. He asked me to go a few times but I couldn’t because of filming! Ah, i guess i’m too preoccupied these days?? I’ve started to go fishing now, when the weather is nice. Nino hates the smell, still. Sometimes he gives me a look, like maybe he’s sad about it, but I’m not sure.
Maybe he just misses Sho-chan too much! I know I do!!!
Satoshi
ps. my driving lessons are going well. So Sho-chan doesn't need to worry. Okay!
-----
This is the first email Sho’s gotten from Ohno since India. The visit to Papua New Guinea had been a short few days and Sho had been so busy following his slightly-too-enthusiastic tour guide and marvelling at the splendours of the rainforests to even think of opening up his laptop. He’d expected (hoped) for a message while he was in Australia, but Sho’s short (by his own standards, anyhow) emails detailing Melbourne’s scorching heat and pristine beaches - and especially their rich ocean ecosystems - had been one-way only. Back in Australia, there were a lot of questions that Sho had wanted to ask Ohno, but hadn’t. Now, though, Sho’s had a few days to reconsider his stance on things and (even though he still wants to know; it ticks at him) he tells himself that he shouldn’t be bothered by it - Aiba had probably been looking too much into the situation. And if Jun had said to leave things be, then that was probably the right thing to do.
Here is Ohno too, also telling Sho not to worry about him. But it’s not just the driving that Sho is worried about. There are many things: standing at the forefront is Ohno and Ni- no, wait, Sho shouldn’t be concerned about that. Neither of them has said anything to the contrary, so Sho will not assume anything is amiss (that’s not Sho’s place). Ohno says he’s fine. Busy, certainly, but he seems to have been managing quite well independently, all things considered. Not quite one hundred percent independent, since Nino is there with him, but still quite a step up from his previous accommodations.
Regardless, Sho still worries a bit. He can’t really control it. The fact is that Ohno is in Japan and Sho is not -- the best he can do are these occasional emails or phone calls, neither of which can guarantee a lunch box in Ohno's lap when he's been skipping meals for work, or a fresh cup of morning coffee in Ohno's hand after a long night spent fishing. Ohno has told Sho (many times) that these things aren't Sho's responsibility either, but if not Sho, then who? Nino? It's a possibility but not a promise; the fact of the matter is that Nino loves Ohno, but his careless disposition makes him most suited towards taking care of one person only: Nino. Besides, joke or not, it's always been Sho's job to play the nagging mother of the group. This physical distance between himself and the other members that seems to have multiplied Sho's tendency to fret in triplicate; it's as if his children have moved out of town for the first time, except strangely reversed.
Except of course Sho doesn’t think of Ohno as his child. Far from it. Ohno is a good friend. A very dear friend. A friend who Sho might have gotten into trouble with his other dear friend, just because Sho couldn’t keep himself out of others’ affairs. Sho hadn’t meant for that to happen though, he’d just been trying to help; all Sho wanted was to make sure Ohno was okay, that he had alternativ-
No. Stop.
Ohno is fine. He's not the one skipping across foreign countries like a frog across lily pads.
Besides, if Ohno had a problem, he could always go to Nino first, despite what rift might be going on between the two of them. Aiba and Jun are available too, and Ohno’s family, but most of all, Nino is with him.
Ohno is with Nino.
Sho starts typing his response. He gets as far as "Dear Satoshi-kun, thank you for your email" before he gets overwhelmed by that feeling again and hastily saves the message into his drafts folder, to be continued another time. When he's not so tired. When he can compose a coherent, respectful response. It's not procrastination so much as courtesy, Sho tells himself.
Ohno is fine. Sho is fine.
JAPAN. (Late January.)
Back when Sho had first voiced his idea of taking a world trip by himself, the question out of Nino's mouth before Sho had even fully finished his sentence was a very simple, very blunt, "Why?"
Far be it from Sho to actually be surprised by Nino's carefully rationed use of tact or his mercurial levels of respect for Sho's decision-making skills, but Sho can admit that at the time, he hadn't had an answer to give because, well, he had no answer to give. He'd been shocked himself, by the abrupt impulse that had apparently prompted him to open his mouth and insert his foot, or more correctly, a cross-continent adventure. Even more absurd, the entire idea had come to him not scant moments before, suddenly, out of a patch of nothing, like a flaming meteorite falling from a cloudless sky. Maybe it was that suddenness that made him actually say it, as if it was a definite thing Sho had put a lot of thought into, as if Sho wasn't wondering himself what the hell he was talking about, just like Aiba and Nino must have been.
So in his ensuing rush of self-inspired confusion and Nino-inspired panic, Sho found himself automatically replying, "Because Satoshi's starting to learn how to drive."
"Huh?" Aiba said, the ice cube he'd been gnawing on nearly falling out of his mouth. Nino only narrowed his eyes at Sho.
"It's because - because we have the time now," Sho fumbled out. "Six months of break. We ought to take full advantage of it to what we've always wanted. Ohno's learning how to drive. That's commendable. He's not wasting the hiatus."
"Yeah, six months of hiatus from Arashi, not work," Nino clarified. "Don't you have Zero to do, at least?"
He did, actually, but now that (evidently) Sho was embarking on a world tour, Sho's brain whirred into action, his schedule for the next four weeks popping up behind his eyes like he'd been trained for it all his life (which, in a sense, he had been), accompanied by a list of people to contact and negotiate with, producers and managers and Sho's doctor, just in case. Then he'd immediately leapt to the next link in the chain: supplies, booking flights, itineraries (reliable, specific itineraries: Sho’s first love), language dictionaries-his camera, since he'd need to document his trip, all of it. Just like the impact of a meteorite results in aftershock reverberations through the air, so had Sho been realizing that this trip he'd made up on the spot was actually, completely feasible. If he made enough footage, he could even use it as his weekly segment on News Zero. Sakurai Sho, explorer, journalist, getting to the heart of the story, bringing the viewers nothing but reality, sharing with all of Japan the beauty of their vast planet.
At the time, it sounded so impressive. And so very possible.
So Sho explained his plan, his magically-now-very-concrete plan, and even Nino admitted it was good reasoning. Aiba smiled, the edges of his eyes crinkling approvingly. "You've always had the travel bug, Sho-chan," he said. "Remember the first time you went to India, however many years it was ago? You were seriously so excited about it. To the point of it being all you talked about. I totally remember. Nino, do you remember?"
"Don't remind me," Nino muttered, taking another sip of his beer. "He ate nothing but Indian curry for a week to train his palate. He sweated curry flavour." He rolled his eyes. "It took my mom three washes to get the smell fully out of my shirt."
Sho took offense to that. "You said you didn't mind lending it to me!"
"I didn't expect you to use it as a towel!"
"It was very absorbent material."
"Speaking of shirts," Aiba interrupted, "you're not planning to buy us t-shirts or tourist hats from every country you visit, are you? I've got enough now to last me years and years."
"Clothing," Sho said with dignity, as he slammed his glass down on the table, "is a very practical gift."
Nino let out a short laugh. "Figures that the rest of us will suffer when you decide to conveniently time your mid-life crisis."
"I'm not having a mid-life crisis. I'm thirty-two."
"Thirty-three next week."
At that, conversation veered off into familiar territory, Sho’s birthday celebration (small, just a few friends, at Sho’s favourite yakiniku restaurant). Sho nursed his drink, trying to ignore the chant that seemed to have sprung up inside him: why are you doing this, are you seriously doing this, what are you thinking. If Nino and Aiba noticed how useless he was for conversation for the rest of the evening, they politely talked over him. Sho sat back in his chair, nursed his drink, and reasoned.
By the end of the night, the trip made sense to him.
And why not, he asked himself, in the taxi ride home. Sho had always dreamed about travelling the world, and now, with Arashi's hiatus in full swing, he finally had the opportunity for it. He'd be idiotic not to go on this trip. This was Sho taking advantage of the situation, this was Sho taking initiative and pursuing a life goal.
This was not about Sho's own issues (of which there were none). This was not about a mid-life crisis. This was not about avoidance, in any shape, manner, or incarnation. This was not even about Arashi, really, and how silly it was of Sho to say he was inspired by Ohno learning how to drive. This had nothing to do with Ohno.
(Ohno driving, Ohno driving home, Ohno driving home to Nino - all of these miscellaneous facts had no weight at all over Sho’s decision, why would they?)
This trip was for Sho's own enjoyment, and nothing else.
If there was one thing Sho was decent with, it was logic. Justification. Sho probably would have kept believing his own bullshit for the full forty thousand kilometres around the globe, if in Hawaii Jun hadn’t popped all of Sho’s iron-clad defences with one well-aimed jab of his well-manicured finger. In retrospect, travelling a cumulative total of tens of thousands of miles only to get sense slammed into him in the form of a merciless hangover and inebriated shenanigans from the night before was not the most romantic of ways for Sho to finally come clean with himself, but it wasn’t as if Sho was known for being suave in matters of the heart. Jun told him later that it didn’t matter, what mattered was that Sho came home in the end, and that Sho finally acted. Sho had said, “Ah, of course, thank you Jun-kun,” because Jun was right, but not right at the same time. What Sho agreed, returning was important, but what he’d really meant was this: the returning to Japan part was meaningless. Him finally acting and doing that -- that part was the coming home.
CHINA.
-----
Date: Feb 8, 2015
Subject: Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Hello Satoshi-kun, how have you been?
I'm in China! Beijing, to be precise. Cars, bikes and people are everywhere; it's a true metropolis. In a sense, it feels very much like home, yet very much different at the same time. Not just because of the language difference, either. It's a formidable city, but beautiful -- it is modern, but its cultural attractions have been very well-preserved and you feel surrounded by modernity at one moment, and history the next. Do you remember our Taiwan concerts? Let's aim to perform in Beijing one day!
I'll be staying here for a week, just in time for the New Year celebrations! Many areas are already strewn with red and gold decorations, and the whole city seems soaked with energy. Even you wouldn't manage to be sleepy here! Or perhaps you would, ha ha.
Ah! How are you handling your newfound freedom, Satoshi? Is it easier or harder than you imagined? I hope Nino is doing his best to help your adjustment go smoothly as possible. Are you guys going for meals together, after work, or is he cooking for you himself? If it's the former, make sure he pays for his half of the meal, and if it's the latter... well, keep in mind water and cookies do not make a nutritious meal! I hope I do not return to see that you've lost a dramatic amount of weight!! I'll remind Nino that he has to cook properly for you. He has more than enough ability; you just have to provide him the motivation.
Did you get all your things moved in yet? If I recall correctly, Nino's apartment is quite compact. Please don't forget: if for whatever reason, you need a place to put some extra things, my place is open to you. Aiba has a copy of the key. (He is helping me water my cacti.) He'll get it for you if you ask him for it. Or, I can send him an email now and ask him to prepare it for you tomorrow? I'll do that, then. And, if, for whatever reason, you no longer wish to live with Nino (a just-in-case scenario, of course), my place is open to you in that regard as well. I insist.
Every day I stop by a small restaurant near my hotel and buy a small bag of Xiao Long Baos, for a midnight snack. Beijing flavours are delicious. I wish there was a way to send some back home to you. There is nothing like the peaceful expression on Satoshi-kun's face when he is eating Xiao Long Baos.
Please take care of yourself well, now that you are living on your (almost) own.
Yours,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
It's almost three weeks after the fact, but Ohno finally moving out of his parents’ house still lies in a strange place in Sho's mind. Ohno is turning thirty-four this year; that's more than old enough to start living away from family, but this is Ohno Satoshi, the man who doesn't buy any type of clothing without his mother's input and still occasionally asks his father to pick him up from bars at the end of the night. This is Ohno Satoshi, who'd happily stayed with his parents for so long that Sho had unconsciously accepted that this was just the way things always would be. Had Ohno decided to live the rest of his life at home with his parents, Sho wouldn't have bat an eye, because it wouldn't be strange to him. He can’t quite picture Ohno as a keen go-getter eager to prove his self-sufficiency. It's not that Sho thinks of Ohno as a child, but Ohno inspires a not insignificant amount of protectiveness within Sho, in a way that far eclipses such tendencies for any other Arashi member. Sho acknowledges this because it's one of the more dependable parts of his personality, and Sho takes comfort in dependability.
Is it any wonder then, that Ohno's moving out has upset Sho's predictability of his world view? Any other qualities of Ohno’s personality are unconventional enough as it is - him changing aspects of himself that Sho had long since accepted leaves Sho with very little definitiveness to hold on to. He knows it's not sensible, but Sho can't hold back his feelings about this. Ohno occupies a special section of Sho's mind - Ohno’s a world on his own, a calm blue bubble within the fiery red inferno of Sho's mental labyrinth, and Sho's internal rules have never been applicable to the other man, no matter how hard Sho has tried. Ohno is out of bounds.
It's not even as if Sho is afraid that Ohno will wither up and die without someone to watch over him; that's what Nino's for, after all.
Really, Sho shouldn't have been surprised about that either, when Ohno had revealed that he would be living with Nino for the indeterminate future. Ohno and Nino are a match made in fangirl heaven, and if this pattern of Ohno doing "adult things" continues (i.e. moving, driving, getting caught in another threesome -- only this time there was only one girl), then it shouldn't be too long before he hitches up with Nino to cannon-burst their way into their happily ever after, Ohmiya SK style. Even if Ohno had said, in his own roundabout way, that it wouldn’t happen, Sho knows certain things are inevitable. After all, it’s been ten years in the making and Sho has been watching every second of it.
He carefully dams that train of thought that niggles at him, saying how it's that one fact that seems to be causing him more turmoil than anything else.
But it doesn't stop him from offering Ohno a set of his keys.
It's for an emergency situation, Sho reasons. It's nothing more than friendly courtesy. Ohno will always need someone to take care of him, Nino or not, and Sho's long since decided that he will always be there for Ohno, irrespective of time, place or situation. Sho will not let a distance of a few hundred kilometres excuse him from his resolution. Simple as that.
Outside Sho's hotel window, the downtown streets are bursting with red flags and lanterns in the spirit of the new year. Sho finds himself watching a group of children light a row of firecrackers by a small alleyway; they jump around delightedly as it cracks and pops, sparks bursting and smoke hissing into the air. Sho watches the explosions fizzle and feels a headache coming on.
He’s been getting these dreams, since he first left Japan. At first he thought it was purely homesickness, but it’s been almost a week and still they pervade his nights, creeping up on him when his mind is tired and pliable and unable to put up the mental barricades that Sho self-manages stringently throughout the day.
The reason that Sho first thought it was homesickness is because they don’t feel so much as dreams as they do memories.
“Would Sho-chan mind?” Ohno asks, gently, sincerely.
“Mind...”
“Me - with Nino.”
“Of-” A swallow. “Of course not, Satoshi-kun. Why would I? I think it’s a good idea.”
“It won’t be like that, though. You know that, right?”
“Like what?”
“It won’t be - me and Nino, it’s just the way it is, but we’re not like that. Does Sho-chan understand?”
And Sho says no. Says no, he doesn’t understand. Says, Satoshi, of course I mind. Says, Satoshi-kun, I’m sorry, but I want to be selfish with this, with you, and I don’t want you to go to Nino. Reaches out of Ohno’s thin wrist and clutches the frail bone tight enough to feel Ohno’s warmth searing through his paper skin, and Sho says-
This is how Sho knows it’s a dream, because in reality, Sho had said yes. Sho had said yes because he had understood, though he hadn’t really believed it; if they weren’t like that now, they would be later. Soon. But Sho had said yes because this was Ohno, and Sho couldn’t say no to Ohno, not now, not ever.
It’s commendable, just how cruel people can be without a trace of ill intention. People can be so cruel to others; even crueller to themselves.
-----
Date: Feb 6, 2015
Subject: Re: Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Hi Sho-chan
Beijing sounds great! Xiao Long Baos are the very best. Please eat my share for me. Sho-chan has the best taste! Tokyo is the same. It is cold! I cant' wait until it's warm enough again to go fishing. This year I am definitely going to get a big maguro!!! Sho-chan, wish me luck, okay? It'll be my first catch of the year!
I am doing very well, thank you for asking. My mother calls me every night to make sure that I do not need anything. Also, Nino is taking good care of me! He got rid of a lot of his old gaming systems so I could have more room. :) He sometimes makes me fried rice for breakfast, too. We're doing okay!! Jun-kun is also diong his best to make sure I am having enough to eat at Nino's because sometimes he gives us his leftovers. Nino hates this but he likes Jun-kun's cooking.
Aiba-chan made me a copy of your key. I don't need it, but I added it to my old keychain. I promise not to let Nino have it.
Nino says Sho-chan is really worried for me because he misses me. We miss you too, Sho-chan! Please have lots of fun in China, okay!!!
Satoshi
-----
There is an odd pleasure gained by Ohno hiding the key from Nino. There are many, many reasons for this and Sho tells himself it's a waste of time to go through them all, but suffice it to say, the feelings that leap most prominently to his mind have to do with safety and possession. He doesn't analyze it any further.
That afternoon, walking through a busy marketplace, Sho's eyes catch on a display of key chains in the shape of small golden fishes with bright blue lacquered scales -- it's not quite a giant tuna, but Sho buys one to send to Ohno anyway, on a stupid whim.
(“I wanted to tell you, before you left,” Ohno had said, fingers a vice on Sho’s powerless forearm, “I just want to tell you - you’re the only one I’ve ever taken fishing. Out of Arashi. You’re the only one.”
And Sho, he had been able to feel his heartbeats in his teeth, they were pounding so loudly, so uncontrollably, and Sho had wanted to pull his arm back towards himself - Ohno attached to it, and reach over to him and-)
A silly, stupid whim.
When Sho leaves China, the dreams follow.
INDIA.
He has good memories of India, from his last visit over five years ago. He remembers Agra, full of beautiful architecture, with the Taj Mahal as its crowning jewel, and deservedly so. It had been a breathtaking view: the glistening white domes, the tall, resplendent columns reaching towards the pure blue sky, the entire mausoleum mirrored without blemish in the garden pool, stretching out endlessly in front of it. The tour guide accompanying Sho had prattled on in his accented but fluent English, and Sho, although he'd done his research beforehand, was again struck by the fact that the entire structure and its grounds was built in the memory of one person. One single person! How much the emperor must have loved his wife, Sho had thought, to create something so amazing for her, after her death.
Sho could barely say the words “I love you” and there existed people who would build world wonders to express the sentiment. That’s even more incredible than the building itself.
Here in Mumbai, the atmosphere is busy and bustling, a different sort of metropolis than Tokyo. Everything seems to be tinged with an earthy shade of brown, and the air smells of gasoline and spices. Sho takes his camera and immerses himself in the city’s streets, packed to the nth degree with people, people shrouded in cloths all the colours of the rainbow, gold decorations sparkling as they walk.
In a small dusty lot in between two raggedy apartment complexes, there is a group of teenagers playing a messy game of soccer. Sho stops for a while, camera on, and grins when the boys notice him filming and start to show off tricks. A small boy sitting by one of the rocks serving as a goal post notices Sho too, and runs up to him, hands cupped, the universal sign for begging. Sho doesn't carry loose change on his person (not safe), but takes a stiff, crumpled napkin from his pocket and quickly folds it into an origami crane. Sho's hands are clumsy when dealing with any type of art or craft, but the bird turns out looking more or less like it should, and when Sho offers it to the boy, he's treated to a brilliant grin, complete with a gap for two front teeth. The boy shouts something in another language -- Hindi? All the Indian dialects sound like Hindi to Sho -- and darts off, crane in hand, to a little girl in a dirty skirt sitting in the shadows one of the apartment buildings casts. Sho watches the boy offer the girl the bird, and the slow progress of the girl's smile as she takes it.
Sho melts.
He decides to send an email to Aiba about it because Aiba loves children and stories about children. Actually, Jun does too, so maybe Sho will send the message to him as well. Three-fifths of the message is already composed in Sho’s head before Sho gets back to his hotel room, four-fifths by the time his email inbox loads. It’s reflex that makes him click the newest unread email in the list - it’s a reply from Ohno.
-----
Date: Feb 19, 2015
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Namaste!
hi Sho-chan
sorry this email is a little late. it's been busy lately! Drama filming is going well, but this role is really strange to me because ive never had to play an insane person before. Nino says that I should just hang around Aiba-chan for a full 24 hours and just copy that, but Aiba hit him and made him take it back. does Sho-chan have any advice for me? How did you play Kamiyama on The Quiz Show?
Cooking lessons with Jun-kun are really good!! i'm having a lot of fun. I think I'm much slower than Jun-kun likes but he has been very patient with me so far. We make jokes about Sho-chan sometimes. Do you remember the time that Sho-chan tried to bake a cake for my birthday? Jun-kun likes to pretend that that day didn't happen at all. I was really happy that day though, because even Aiba didn't like the taste, so I got a whole delicous cake to myself!! :)
maybe I'll learn how to make curry next, so when Sho-chan comes home he won't miss India too much.
I don't know if this is something that is proper emails but Sho-chan will find out eventually, I think... Nino kissed me yesterday, so, maybe we're in a relationshp now. I don’t know. It's hard to tell, with Nino. I don’t really understand what he wants half the time, but Aiba-chan and Jun-kun think it’s a relationship, so I guess it is. They werent suprised at all so I don't think Sho-chan will be either. Ah, even so, i thought it was still my job to tell you.
You were right, Sho-chan. I’m very sorry that I got confused. Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.
Satoshi
-----
Sho reads the email twice and closes his eyes.
The first wave of emotion is anger: cold, bitter anger. I told you, Sho’s mind snarls. You cannot be surprised by this email, you knew this would come. You told yourself, you knew this was coming, you prepared for it. You’ve opened the last five emails expecting this message, and now, here it is. You were right. Aren’t you pleased? You were right.
He was right.
The feelings of anger within him quickly crumble into acceptance, equally cold and bitter.
Ohno and Nino are together now. Like that.
Sho is in fucking India.
If Sho were in Japan, then he’d be able to-
No. If Sho were in Japan, he would do nothing, because that is the right thing to do. Sho has nothing to say to either Ohno or Nino other than congratulations, and maybe some slight teasing for them taking so long. Because it was Ohno and Nino, and Sho knew it would turn out like this between them, and since he did, if he did have something to say, then he certainly had plenty of time to say it before - this happened. So it must be inferred that Sho has nothing to say.
Sho is fine.
Sleep suddenly sounds like a very good idea. Sho’s not too tired, but he finds that he would like to clear his mind. He must have breathed in a mix of too many unfamiliar chemicals today, out on the street.
”Does Sho-chan understand?” Ohno asks.
“Yes, I understand.” The only answer to give, but it hurts nevertheless. “There’s no issue.”
“Good,” Ohno smiles, lips tightly pressed and not happy at all. “I’m not -- It’s just - convenience.”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Satoshi-kun.”
“No,” Ohno says. “But I want to.”
“Why?” The words are out of him before he realizes it. “There’s really no reason to. Ohno, you-”
But here he pauses, because Ohno is pulling back, eyes wide in confusion and - something else.
“Oi, I’m done,” calls Nino’s voice, from somewhere behind Ohno. “Let’s go.”
Ohno starts to turn away, but he pauses, because someone tells him to wait. Sho tells him to wait. Sho reaches out and he says-
Sho wakes, the words already gone from his lips, lost in the dead air of his room. No one hears.
Of course no one hears, because in reality, Sho hadn’t said anything. Not back then. Nino had called Ohno to go, and Ohno had spared one last tight-browed look at Sho before turning, and Sho had watched him walk away. Walk to Nino, the both of them automatically falling into step, shoulders brushing. Same height. Same slouch.
Sho hadn’t said anything at all, and he had (has) no one to blame but himself.
It occurs to him, the next day, that it was Ohno who'd taught Sho how to make paper cranes. Ohno's precise hand movements, smoothing the paper, neatly creasing a fold, a few flicks of his long fingers and -- there. A bright red, square-bodied bird, sitting in the centre of his palm. Sho had come across thousands of cranes in his schoolboy life, and yet the one that Ohno had made was the most perfect one Sho had ever seen.
Sho's own crane had been abysmal in comparison (he'd always been the type who would rather study paper than transform it), but Ohno had only grinned and patted Sho's wrist for a job well done. Sho remembers a surge of -- of some sort of feeling, and then Ohno had taken Sho's sloppily folded crane and placed it next to his own, with its crisp, pristine edges, and had said, "Pretty." At that moment, the surging feeling had threatened to drown Sho.
It's recalling this feeling now that gives Sho the courage to reply to Ohno's email.
-----
Date: Feb 20, 2015
Subject: Leaving India!
Hello Satoshi-kun,
It's good to hear that you're enjoying yourself on the set. I'm afraid the amnesiac Kamiyama is not quite the type of "insane" that you are going for, so my advice to you is limited. This role must be a challenge for you, I know! Few people truly understand what it means to be psychologically disturbed -- but you should use that fact to your advantage and play the character in a way that suits you best. Don't worry about following any "typical model" for acting insane, really. The best example I can give you is... I'm sure you've heard of the comparison that love is just another form of insanity. Something all-consuming, merciless, and makes a person act out of passion instead of sense. This might be what you feel for Nino, in fact! Try to apply the same breadth of feeling in this different setting. I hope I'm making sense here.
I must offer you congratulations on your new relationship, Ohno-san! Yes, I was far from surprised, but it was nevertheless good to hear it out of your mouth. Or your fingers, rather. I wish you and Nino the best of luck, and much happiness for years to come!! We should have a party to celebrate, when I get home!
I’ll be heading to Papua New Guinea next, for a few days, and I don’t know how the internet access is over there. If it doesn’t work, I’ll email you in a week, from Australia!
Take care of yourself,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
AUSTRALIA.
“Oh, wow, this beer,” Aiba gushes. “This beer.”
Sho laughs. “I’m glad it’s as good as you remember it.” He fondly watches the way Aiba licks foam from his upper lip; Aiba’s happiness has always been contagious.
“Everything tastes better after a brush with death,” Aiba says.
“It was three kangaroos.”
“Three. Whole. Kangaroos!” Aiba agrees, nodding furiously. “One wild kangaroo is one too many. I was lucky to escape with my life. The biggest one nearly knocked me out! Fists like this, Sho-chan,” Aiba curls his fingers loosely and mimics a kangaroo batting his paws.
“You can’t still be scared of them,” Sho says. “You’ve worked with so many of them already.”
“They’re crazy, Sho-chan. But I’m a very brave person.”
“You really are.”
“You should have heard Becky shriek when this one kangaroo raised itself on its tail. She thought it was going to kick her or something.”
“I’ll be sure to watch the episode, when it airs.”
Aiba grins brightly. “You know, if you wanted to, like, film yourself going after some local animals, we could add in your footage on the show too. A Sakurai Sho Out In The Big Wide World Exploring Explorer Special! Do you have any scorpions in your hotel?”
“Definitely not.”
Aiba has the gall to look disappointed. ”Oh well, if you find one, please film it, okay? The bigger the better.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sho says dryly.
“Sho-chan,” Aiba eagerly says, as if just struck with the thought, “did you know that koalas are high all the time?”
Life-threatening suggestions aside, Sho is nothing but thankful that Aiba’s here with him in Melbourne. It had been quite a miracle, having their schedules meet up like this - well, Sho’s schedule, at least, since Aiba’s trip to Australia for Shimura Doubutsuen had been booked months in advance. It’s amazing, seeing a familiar face after weeks of solitary travel. Sho knew he missed Japan, but he didn’t realize just how much, until he saw Aiba’s smile and friendly wave from the front door of the restaurant (recommended by the receptionist of Sho’s hotel). Aiba’s smile warmer than the searing Australian sun, but infinitely more comforting. Aiba’s sparkling eyes, reminding Sho that he was far from forgotten, even at this distance from home.
They spend too long eating dinner because for each minute they spend spooning food into their mouths, they spend ten letting words come out of it. It’s out of character for them, the two healthiest appetites in Arashi (Ohno’s appetite can be described in many ways, but healthy is not one of them) - but it’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. Even though Sho’s been keeping on top of his email correspondence, there’s a lot to catch up on. Plus, there’s something in Aiba’s voice that Sho has always loved; it teases through his ears and soothes his body like a soft, scratchy blanket.
Aiba, just like every time he comes to Australia, is completely taken by Australian beer and the size of the cans they come in (“Imagine playing Kick the Can with this, Sho-chan! You’d stub a toe, I bet.”), and before Sho knows it, he’s a bit more than tipsy and Aiba is squinting in the way he does when he’s on the verge of seeing double. Sho has a sudden horrible recollection of the fiasco they last time they were on this continent together, when they’d forgotten their hotel’s address and had spent hours cabbing around the city, Sho half nauseous with worry (the other half with alcohol) and Aiba unable to stop giggling in between bursts of happy tears. It had been an interesting adventure, certainly, but it doesn’t stop Sho now from fumbling through his travel bag, impatiently making sure he still has his hotel key card.
“What are you looking for?” Aiba hiccups.
“My key,” Sho says. Ah, there it is. Good. He puts his bag down.
Aiba’s eyes are narrowed at a spot over Sho’s right shoulder. “But I gave it to Captain.”
“What? No, no, not that one, I-”
“Nino found it, you know?”
Sho hesitates. Nino found Sho’s key on Ohno’s keychain?
He mutters, “I didn’t, actually. No one told me.” Nino didn’t, is what Sho means. Ohno didn’t either. Sho didn’t notice anything off in either of their emails.
There’s a guilty shrug from Aiba. “Would he, though? You know Nino.”
Sho does; that’s what concerns him. “Was he - upset?”
“Dunno,” Aiba says, and looks away briefly to let out a burp. “Excuse me,” he sighs. “He looked the same as always. I wouldn’t have known, but Captain came in looking for his keys, and Nino, Nino pointed to the coffee table - we’re working in the same building now, right? Oh-chan’s drama, and sometimes we eat together - and I wasn’t sure if he noticed or not at first, the extra key, but it’s Nino, Sho-chan. I think he noticed. And you told me to label it! It’s Nino!”
“What did Jun say?” Sho asks quickly. Aiba must have told him by now, and Jun’s reactions have always been the most reasonable in Arashi. Sho can gauge the situation based on Jun’s assessment.
“He told me not to say anything. Said it was Captain’s fault for forgetting his keys like that, on the table where Nino always throws his games. And I said, Captain’s just that way, it’s not his fault! But Jun-kun just glared at me and said, Captain’s aware of a lot more than we give him credit for. Or wait, maybe he said, Captain’s a lot more aware than we credit him for - Captain’s - wait, doesn’t that mean the same thing? Wait, sorry, I-”
Sho waits. His grip on his beer mug is tight. Aiba lets out a massive belch, excuses himself, and blinks at Sho groggily. His face is flushed, but he’s not smiling any more.
“Anyway, I can’t remember,” Aiba continues, words slurring just a bit. “But I think they’re fighting now, Sho-chan. Because, because after that, later on in the week, I went to the combini by the studio, right? Just to get a meal for the ride home. And Ohno was there eating, and Nino wasn’t. Ohno was done filming for the day, Sho-chan.”
Sho can feel the weight of that statement like a clamp in his chest. Ohno had a meal. After filming. Without Nino. Ohno didn’t have his full license yet; Nino’s been picking him up from work for weeks now (had been, since Sho had first arrived in India), and it’s only natural for them to eat together. Sho knows this because Ohno told him in an email (and it’s startling how easy it is for him to recall Ohno’s emails, word for word). For Ohno to eat alone, after work, that - meant something. There are other explanations, of course: it could be that Nino had just been waiting in the car, it could be that Nino had to do something else that day -
Except Sho knows Nino.
“Captain seems sad lately. He hasn’t been sleeping well,” Aiba admits.
“Maybe he’s just been fishing too much,” Sho tries, but he knows he’s grasping at straws. Ohno hasn’t been out fishing yet; it’s still too cold out on open water. It’s not even March.
“Maybe,” Aiba mopes.
Sho swallows another mouthful of alcohol. He imagines that his guilt would taste much the same way: dark, heavy, and lingering in the pit of his stomach like an unpleasant promise - too much of me, and you’re going to regret it. Too much of me, and I’ll destroy your health.
Aiba abruptly sits up, a flash of clarity slicing through his features. “Sho-chan, you could - since it’s you, you should-” Sho meets his surprise gaze and Aiba flounders; he doesn’t finish his sentence and instead slumps back in his chair dejectedly.
“What?” Sho says. “Aiba, what were you saying?”
Aiba shakes his head. “Sorry, no, I shouldn’t have said - it’s a stupid idea. You’re here in Australia, right? You won’t be back home for a long time.”
(“You’re really leaving?” Ohno had said, voice tilting in surprise.
“I think the trip will do me good, actually.” This was about as honest as Sho had been able to be.
“How long?”
“I’m thinking five months, approximately.”
Ohno’s lips had thinned slightly; Sho couldn’t keep himself from staring. It could hardly be called a smile.
Ohno had said, “That’s-”
“Yes, well. I have the time.”
“But you’ll-”
“Keep in touch? Of course I will, Satoshi-kun.”
“No, I meant. You’ll be okay? Sho-kun will definitely come back, right?”
There had been alarm there. Alarm evident by the thin edge of urgency (panic?) in Ohno’s voice, in the matching urgency (desperation?) flaring in Ohno’s eyes - alarm that bled into Sho immediately, who was startled to realize that Ohno was worried Sho’s plans might change - that, what, that Sho might stay away longer? Not come back at all? Preposterous. How could he? Japan had his family, his friends, Arashi - how could Sho possibly stay away?
Home, where Ohn-)
“No,” Sho answers Aiba. “I suppose not.”
JAPAN. (Last December.)
Everyone was surprised when Ohno pulled the first sticker off his sign board and revealed his little goal for the New Year. There was nothing written about fish or art or practising to speak.
Learn how to drive.
“Wow, Captain!” Aiba said.
“That’s quite sensible of him, isn’t it?” Jun asked, nodding to the show’s staff. “It’s about time.”
Nino said, “No backing out, now that you’ve written it.”
“There’s more,” Ohno replied, and peeled away the second sticker off his big New Year’s resolution. “Driving is for this.”
To become a better man.
“Wow, Captain!” Aiba said again. “Amazing! You’re totally amazing.”
Sho clapped Ohno on his shoulder. “Good for you, Satoshi-kun! I’m very impressed with your goals! They put all the rest of ours to shame.”
“Since the rest of us already know how to drive,” Nino said.
“Regardless,” Sho said. “Very noble aspirations.”
Ohno smiled. “I’ll work hard. I’m going to become more serious from now on!” This brought a laugh from the studio.
“And how will we know if you’ve achieved your goal, in six months?” Jun asked. “The license you can show us, but...”
Aiba interrupted, sitting up and nearly dropping his own sign board. “Hey, can you get a certificate for being a gentleman?”
“You’d fail for sure!” Nino shouted.
“I would not! I know manners.”
“It’s have manners, you idiot.”
Ohno tapped his fingers on his board, bringing back the attention of the camera. “You’ll be able to tell, I think. In six months, I’ll look like a real adult.”
“Said the thirty-three year old.”
“Captain!” Aiba said. “Are you going to be married by the time Arashi reunites?”
It was an old joke within the group, that Ohno already had a wife but didn’t know it, that Ohno accidentally walked into a church one day and got eloped, that Ohno will one day be roped into a marriage while still wondering how he got into the tuxedo. Sho never partook. It wasn’t so much because Sho didn’t think they were funny (they weren’t though), but more due to the way Ohno always looked to Sho when jokes were getting out of hand. For support and reassurance. Just like the way Ohno was doing now.
“If Ohno-san is going to come back from the hiatus married,” Sho said lightly, “then so will I.”
He meant it in jest, of course, but something in Ohno’s face stilled his reaction. There, in between his eyebrows, was a line of discomfort. “We can just marry each other, Satoshi-kun,” Sho added, just to make sure Ohno knew he was joking. But at that, Ohno’s eyes widened. He didn’t laugh.
“You can cosplay as a bride, Sho-chan!” Aiba immediately suggested, prompting another roll of laughter from the staff, and Ohno pasted on an absent smile, turning his gaze back to his sign board.
Sho had the distinct feeling that he’d disappointed someone.
Which was odd, particularly if it was due to something he’d said right then, because nothing he said was offensive. Not unless - impossible.
Sho was too busy to talk to Ohno for the rest of the week (it wasn’t avoidance, there was nothing to be scared of, there was nothing anyway, at all), and then there were New Year’s concerts to do (one last party hosted by Arashi, before a long-deserved break), and certainly there was no private time to be found within there. Early January came quickly, and when Ohno invited Sho for drinks one weekend, Sho was so tired from the last of Arashi’s wrap-up activities that he’d said no, another time maybe, thank you Satoshi-kun. (Turns out Sho was even tired to fall asleep; he stayed awake all night.)
Two days later, Ohno moved out of his parents’ house and into Nino’s apartment. One day after that, he asked for Sho’s understanding.
Sho gave it. How could not? How could he possibly refuse Ohno?
(There was no one to blame but himself.)
NEW ZEALAND.
-----
Date: Mar 15, 2015
Subject: re: (none)
Dear Satoshi-kun,
Thank you for your email! Honestly, I was starting to get concerned, since you hadn’t replied in over a week. I hope that communicating with me hasn’t been tiring you out too much; if you’d rather use the time to devote to fishing, or to spend with Nino, just let me know! It is completely understandable. But otherwise, it is extremely pleasing to hear that you are well. Please take care of yourself well as your schedule remains filled.
But yes, Nino’s correct! I’m in New Zealand now, and yesterday I had an excursion to Mitre Peak, which is a seaside cliff that is 1692 metres above sea level. It was quite an exhilarating experience! I wonder if I’ve finally conquered my fear of heights from this? Is it possible?? That moment on the cliff really called for a poignant comment and I remember thinking that if Ohno-san were there, he’d say something quite profound and fitting. Your special gift, Satoshi-kun! Once again I found myself wishing that I had your eloquence.
I’m sorry that my advice was not applicable; I’m afraid my knowledge in the areas of acting, insanity, and love are all equally lacking - although I suppose they are not mutually exclusive. Good luck. Try your hardest! You’re the most talented actor among us, anyway!
Wishing you the very best,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
He carefully keeps from mentioning the supposed tension between Ohno and Nino. He’d started to type a paragraph of advice (“Nino sometimes keeps things to himself but he gets over it with time, if Nino is mad at someone it most certainly won’t be you, Nino loves you so, so much”), but he had quickly backspaced over it. It’s not Sho’s right to pry into their relationship, so if Ohno and Nino are going to stay silent about it, then Sho will respect their silence. Sho can’t fault them for keeping the news from him; out of everyone they could get advice from, Sho’s physical distance probably makes sure his name is near the bottom of the list, right next to Pan-kun and Chinen-kun. It doesn’t stop Sho from feeling hurt, like they’ve left him out of the loop on purpose. Sho’s not in Japan, if people don’t tell him things (important things like this), he will not know.
And he finds that he wants to know more about this issue. Very much so.
Which is why he takes pains to keep his email explicitly neutral. Sho cannot let his emotions - foolish, meaningless, just another manifestation of homesickness, they have to be - influence something that he has no part in. It wouldn’t be fair. Sho cannot-
He cannot.
Sho takes a deep breath and pushes away from his computer, He feels the need to go outside again - New Zealand’s mountains are beautiful - and be somewhere so large that his own problems (what problems, anyway) seem absolutely insignificant in comparison. He doesn’t want to think about this anymore. He wants to go back onto the cliff and experience that all-encompassing feeling of human meeting world.
And yet, in that moment too, when Sho had felt nothing except the solid, pulsing truth that he was alive, dammit, he had still thought of Ohno.
Ohno never takes advantage of Sho’s fear of heights. He doesn’t make fun of a lot of things, but he definitely doesn’t make fun of Sho - when Sho is a hundred metres above a concert floor, hanging by two ropes thinner than his neck, all Ohno does is smile and nod to Sho, like nothing is wrong. It’s reassuring; just enough of a gesture to know that someone acknowledges Sho’s fear and accepts it without fuss. If Ohno gropes for a brief, strong squeeze of Sho’s hand before the pulleys start raising their bodies, then even better. It’s nice to have Ohno’s support, even if it’s silent. Especially if it’s silent. Because up in the air is the only time when Sho’s words are of extremely short supply, and Sho doesn’t like to be outmatched.
Ah, correction: one of the only times. There are other occasions, when Sho is rendered speechless.
But some memories don’t bear thinking about.
A long time ago, Sho asked Ohno a question.
It was so long ago that Sho can’t even remember what it was he asked (he has the feeling that it had something to do with Ohno’s art show); all the recalls now is what Ohno’s answer had been.
“It’s not really scary,” Ohno had said. “Some things are worth the risk.”
Sho remembers that moment clearly, clear as glass, because it had put into glaring perspective one of the biggest differences between himself and Ohno. It was this: Sho did not feel comfortable unless he had some tangible control over his surroundings, whereas Ohno was content to let the world push him into whatever path was ready for him. Sho didn’t like risk because he didn’t like losing. Losing didn’t matter much to Ohno; he appreciated that he at least had something to lose.
Sho, though, in his heart of hearts, had always been a coward.
He remembers that moment because he’d seen this gap between himself and Ohno like it was a canyon trench, stretching onwards for miles, and all he could think about was what an amazing person Ohno Satoshi really was.
In that moment, Sho had realized that there really was no one else on earth like Ohno. Nino, Jun, Aiba, even Sho, they were each of them unique in their own ways, but out of a population of over six billion people, there were bound to be plenty of witty gamers, charming over workers, and exuberant merrymakers. But how many people like Ohno, whose inner talent rivalled a supernova and yet whose surface was a serene brook? Who had both no confidence and every confidence in himself? Who touched people simply by moving at his own pace, and stunned them with just how much depth was really underneath his effortless demeanour? Ohno was a planet onto his own, and his gravitational pull had been slowly pulling Sho closer for years.
Then, Ohno had said, “If you believe in what you love, that’s enough,” and that one sentence had effectively blindsided Sho with its wisdom. It was at times like that when Sho was certain that Ohno knew more of the world than anyone. It was at times like that, when Ohno was simply sharing himself, that Sho had the fleeting delusion that Ohno was the world. People like Ohno don’t fit with everyone else because eventually everyone else will change to fit them. Ohno stood out by staying behind. Ohno was untouchable.
Thinking back on it, maybe that’s when Sho knew.
next
But yeah, it is.
Title: Forty Thousand Kilometres
Fandom: Arashi
Pairing: Sho/Ohno, Nino/Ohno
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~17,800
Genre: General, drama maybe?
Summary: The difference between an exercise in self-discovery and one of self-denial, turns out, is half the circumference of the earth.
Notes: I feel as if I’ve taken a few liberties with the style Ohno and Sho use to write their emails. It doesn’t quite match the way they seem to write online in real life, but I tried to make it characteristic of their voice, while staying consistent to the flow of the story. I just didn’t want to write the emails in the choppy style the Japanese use, but then have them "think" in stream-of-consciousness paragraphs - sort of awkward to read, right?
ALSO: in the midst of writing this, I found out that Ohno (in real life) had moved out of his parents’ house. For the sake of the story, please pretend he hasn’t done that yet.
AND: aeslis, apologies for not waiting for your beta. T___T I just needed to finally post this.
FINALLY: I can't take credit for the photos I used, although I did photoshop them a bit. All of them were found through Google Image searches of the places in question.
DEDICATION!! This is for font, who once upon a time donated extremely generously to my help_haiti bid, and asked for Sho/Ohno, and has been patient, all this time, for her Sho/Ohno. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have been kept really busy with school/life, but seriously, this fic is months overdue and I grovel on my knees in penance, font. I'm still working on the Aiba/Nino one and I am praying that it will not take me as long as this fic took me. I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry. It's the longest time I've ever spent on a fic and I don't know if it was worth it, but I hope you like it.
Forty Thousand Kilometres
There are a number of metaphors for how a man feels when standing at the edge of a precipe, when faced with the sheer undiluted majesty of nature, with nothing but a single footstep separating him from a plunging descent into a very death below. If Sho were to maybe take a few steps backwards from his current position, his head might clear enough for him to think of some. He knows it would make this experience more relatable, more humane, which will render it a good talking point later, when he gets back to Japan and starts on his interview circuit. And needless to say, physically, he'd be quite a bit safer.
But right now, with Sho's heart hammering sharply against his chest like a thrashing ram, his cheeks stinging from the cool wind whipping indecisively around, his eyes trained past stretches of jagged rock and dangling tree roots, caught helplessly on the sparking blue waters curling at the base of the mountain over a mile vertically down from the soles of Sho's feet, Sho's fear of heights has gone past the freaking out point and has overloaded entirely. Fritzed out like a broken light bulb. It leaves his mind eerily... empty.
Sho stares over the cliff of Mitre Peak and is so beyond frightened that he's not scared at all.
Predictably, he thinks of Ohno.
NEW ZEALAND.
Despite being in different hemispheres, Tokyo and Milford Sound are only three hours apart, time zone-wise, so Sho's not surprised when he returns to his inn after his day-long excursion to the tallest sea-cliff in the world (previously known as Sakurai Sho's Masochistic Death Inclination, but now and forevermore labelled as Sakurai Sho's Moment of Glory and Not-Death-At-All), to find new messages in his email inbox.
Nino's is predictable: he asks for Lord of the Rings souvenirs ("not t-shirts, sho-chan, i can't believe you got us tshirts from India when we TOLD YOU not to... if you buy me more t-shirts i will just.......... NO SHIRTS!!!!!!") and demands Sho reveal the exact number of seconds he had spent looking over Mitre Peak ("it doesn't count unless you can actually fall forward into the air, okay??"). There is no mention of Ohno, which Sho can't help but notice.
Aiba's is rushed and typo-ridden, probably because he texted it on the fly while completing the filming for this week's Doubutsuen episode. He says that he's glad Sho landed in New Zealand safely, are there any hobbits, and please tell him that Sho-chan stared over the cliff for over twenty-five seconds because Aiba believes in Sho-chan, and also, Aiba doesn't want Nino winning the bet.
Sho debates asking what the bet was about, but it's already obvious, so he takes his revenge on Nino by proudly informing Aiba that he stood by the peak for a grand total of fifty-one seconds and forty-three milliseconds, and attaches a cell phone picture of his paused wristwatch (courteously timed by a fellow hiker) to prove it. He explains that it could have been over a minute if a nearby hawk hadn't shrieked and startled him. (He doesn't mention the squeak of fear he had let out, echoing the bird's call. It had definitely ruined the moment.)
Jun's message is friendly but succinct; he warns Sho of improperly applied sunscreen, wonders if there really is as much agriculture in New Zealand as popular knowledge assumes, and informs him that his drama filming is going smoothly. "I honestly would hate for schedules to be delayed, resulting in a cancellation of my Hawaii trip," he writes. "I'm looking forward to seeing you there, by the way." There is a happy face emoticon following the period. Sho smiles, imagining Jun typing and retyping that sentence to make it sound as respectfully casual as he lets himself be.
There are a few more emails from friends checking in, his mother, and his manager; Sho replies to all of them politely and efficiently before he reaches the most recent email on the list. Ohno's.
-----
Date: Mar 14, 2015
Subject: (none)
Sho-chan, thank you for all of the emails you sent from Australia! I read them all happily but just didn’t have the time to reply.
Nino says Sho-chan is in new zealand now!! That’s very exciting. I asked Jun-kun if it was very cold in new zealand and he reminded me that it was summer down there, because it’s besides Australia. I should have remembered, right? At least from seeing Aiba yesterday. He was almost as dark as I was!!! Nino made us take a picture, I've attached it for you. is Sho-chan going to climb lots of high mountains? good luck!! You can do it!!!
I’m sorry I haven’t been emailing lately. it’s been very busy. a lot of things to do and think about!! Thanks for your advice for the filming. I don’t really feel like that around Nino though.
Nino has been going drinking with Jun-kun a lot lately. He asked me to go a few times but I couldn’t because of filming! Ah, i guess i’m too preoccupied these days?? I’ve started to go fishing now, when the weather is nice. Nino hates the smell, still. Sometimes he gives me a look, like maybe he’s sad about it, but I’m not sure.
Maybe he just misses Sho-chan too much! I know I do!!!
Satoshi
ps. my driving lessons are going well. So Sho-chan doesn't need to worry. Okay!
-----
This is the first email Sho’s gotten from Ohno since India. The visit to Papua New Guinea had been a short few days and Sho had been so busy following his slightly-too-enthusiastic tour guide and marvelling at the splendours of the rainforests to even think of opening up his laptop. He’d expected (hoped) for a message while he was in Australia, but Sho’s short (by his own standards, anyhow) emails detailing Melbourne’s scorching heat and pristine beaches - and especially their rich ocean ecosystems - had been one-way only. Back in Australia, there were a lot of questions that Sho had wanted to ask Ohno, but hadn’t. Now, though, Sho’s had a few days to reconsider his stance on things and (even though he still wants to know; it ticks at him) he tells himself that he shouldn’t be bothered by it - Aiba had probably been looking too much into the situation. And if Jun had said to leave things be, then that was probably the right thing to do.
Here is Ohno too, also telling Sho not to worry about him. But it’s not just the driving that Sho is worried about. There are many things: standing at the forefront is Ohno and Ni- no, wait, Sho shouldn’t be concerned about that. Neither of them has said anything to the contrary, so Sho will not assume anything is amiss (that’s not Sho’s place). Ohno says he’s fine. Busy, certainly, but he seems to have been managing quite well independently, all things considered. Not quite one hundred percent independent, since Nino is there with him, but still quite a step up from his previous accommodations.
Regardless, Sho still worries a bit. He can’t really control it. The fact is that Ohno is in Japan and Sho is not -- the best he can do are these occasional emails or phone calls, neither of which can guarantee a lunch box in Ohno's lap when he's been skipping meals for work, or a fresh cup of morning coffee in Ohno's hand after a long night spent fishing. Ohno has told Sho (many times) that these things aren't Sho's responsibility either, but if not Sho, then who? Nino? It's a possibility but not a promise; the fact of the matter is that Nino loves Ohno, but his careless disposition makes him most suited towards taking care of one person only: Nino. Besides, joke or not, it's always been Sho's job to play the nagging mother of the group. This physical distance between himself and the other members that seems to have multiplied Sho's tendency to fret in triplicate; it's as if his children have moved out of town for the first time, except strangely reversed.
Except of course Sho doesn’t think of Ohno as his child. Far from it. Ohno is a good friend. A very dear friend. A friend who Sho might have gotten into trouble with his other dear friend, just because Sho couldn’t keep himself out of others’ affairs. Sho hadn’t meant for that to happen though, he’d just been trying to help; all Sho wanted was to make sure Ohno was okay, that he had alternativ-
No. Stop.
Ohno is fine. He's not the one skipping across foreign countries like a frog across lily pads.
Besides, if Ohno had a problem, he could always go to Nino first, despite what rift might be going on between the two of them. Aiba and Jun are available too, and Ohno’s family, but most of all, Nino is with him.
Ohno is with Nino.
Sho starts typing his response. He gets as far as "Dear Satoshi-kun, thank you for your email" before he gets overwhelmed by that feeling again and hastily saves the message into his drafts folder, to be continued another time. When he's not so tired. When he can compose a coherent, respectful response. It's not procrastination so much as courtesy, Sho tells himself.
Ohno is fine. Sho is fine.
JAPAN. (Late January.)
Back when Sho had first voiced his idea of taking a world trip by himself, the question out of Nino's mouth before Sho had even fully finished his sentence was a very simple, very blunt, "Why?"
Far be it from Sho to actually be surprised by Nino's carefully rationed use of tact or his mercurial levels of respect for Sho's decision-making skills, but Sho can admit that at the time, he hadn't had an answer to give because, well, he had no answer to give. He'd been shocked himself, by the abrupt impulse that had apparently prompted him to open his mouth and insert his foot, or more correctly, a cross-continent adventure. Even more absurd, the entire idea had come to him not scant moments before, suddenly, out of a patch of nothing, like a flaming meteorite falling from a cloudless sky. Maybe it was that suddenness that made him actually say it, as if it was a definite thing Sho had put a lot of thought into, as if Sho wasn't wondering himself what the hell he was talking about, just like Aiba and Nino must have been.
So in his ensuing rush of self-inspired confusion and Nino-inspired panic, Sho found himself automatically replying, "Because Satoshi's starting to learn how to drive."
"Huh?" Aiba said, the ice cube he'd been gnawing on nearly falling out of his mouth. Nino only narrowed his eyes at Sho.
"It's because - because we have the time now," Sho fumbled out. "Six months of break. We ought to take full advantage of it to what we've always wanted. Ohno's learning how to drive. That's commendable. He's not wasting the hiatus."
"Yeah, six months of hiatus from Arashi, not work," Nino clarified. "Don't you have Zero to do, at least?"
He did, actually, but now that (evidently) Sho was embarking on a world tour, Sho's brain whirred into action, his schedule for the next four weeks popping up behind his eyes like he'd been trained for it all his life (which, in a sense, he had been), accompanied by a list of people to contact and negotiate with, producers and managers and Sho's doctor, just in case. Then he'd immediately leapt to the next link in the chain: supplies, booking flights, itineraries (reliable, specific itineraries: Sho’s first love), language dictionaries-his camera, since he'd need to document his trip, all of it. Just like the impact of a meteorite results in aftershock reverberations through the air, so had Sho been realizing that this trip he'd made up on the spot was actually, completely feasible. If he made enough footage, he could even use it as his weekly segment on News Zero. Sakurai Sho, explorer, journalist, getting to the heart of the story, bringing the viewers nothing but reality, sharing with all of Japan the beauty of their vast planet.
At the time, it sounded so impressive. And so very possible.
So Sho explained his plan, his magically-now-very-concrete plan, and even Nino admitted it was good reasoning. Aiba smiled, the edges of his eyes crinkling approvingly. "You've always had the travel bug, Sho-chan," he said. "Remember the first time you went to India, however many years it was ago? You were seriously so excited about it. To the point of it being all you talked about. I totally remember. Nino, do you remember?"
"Don't remind me," Nino muttered, taking another sip of his beer. "He ate nothing but Indian curry for a week to train his palate. He sweated curry flavour." He rolled his eyes. "It took my mom three washes to get the smell fully out of my shirt."
Sho took offense to that. "You said you didn't mind lending it to me!"
"I didn't expect you to use it as a towel!"
"It was very absorbent material."
"Speaking of shirts," Aiba interrupted, "you're not planning to buy us t-shirts or tourist hats from every country you visit, are you? I've got enough now to last me years and years."
"Clothing," Sho said with dignity, as he slammed his glass down on the table, "is a very practical gift."
Nino let out a short laugh. "Figures that the rest of us will suffer when you decide to conveniently time your mid-life crisis."
"I'm not having a mid-life crisis. I'm thirty-two."
"Thirty-three next week."
At that, conversation veered off into familiar territory, Sho’s birthday celebration (small, just a few friends, at Sho’s favourite yakiniku restaurant). Sho nursed his drink, trying to ignore the chant that seemed to have sprung up inside him: why are you doing this, are you seriously doing this, what are you thinking. If Nino and Aiba noticed how useless he was for conversation for the rest of the evening, they politely talked over him. Sho sat back in his chair, nursed his drink, and reasoned.
By the end of the night, the trip made sense to him.
And why not, he asked himself, in the taxi ride home. Sho had always dreamed about travelling the world, and now, with Arashi's hiatus in full swing, he finally had the opportunity for it. He'd be idiotic not to go on this trip. This was Sho taking advantage of the situation, this was Sho taking initiative and pursuing a life goal.
This was not about Sho's own issues (of which there were none). This was not about a mid-life crisis. This was not about avoidance, in any shape, manner, or incarnation. This was not even about Arashi, really, and how silly it was of Sho to say he was inspired by Ohno learning how to drive. This had nothing to do with Ohno.
(Ohno driving, Ohno driving home, Ohno driving home to Nino - all of these miscellaneous facts had no weight at all over Sho’s decision, why would they?)
This trip was for Sho's own enjoyment, and nothing else.
If there was one thing Sho was decent with, it was logic. Justification. Sho probably would have kept believing his own bullshit for the full forty thousand kilometres around the globe, if in Hawaii Jun hadn’t popped all of Sho’s iron-clad defences with one well-aimed jab of his well-manicured finger. In retrospect, travelling a cumulative total of tens of thousands of miles only to get sense slammed into him in the form of a merciless hangover and inebriated shenanigans from the night before was not the most romantic of ways for Sho to finally come clean with himself, but it wasn’t as if Sho was known for being suave in matters of the heart. Jun told him later that it didn’t matter, what mattered was that Sho came home in the end, and that Sho finally acted. Sho had said, “Ah, of course, thank you Jun-kun,” because Jun was right, but not right at the same time. What Sho agreed, returning was important, but what he’d really meant was this: the returning to Japan part was meaningless. Him finally acting and doing that -- that part was the coming home.
CHINA.
-----
Date: Feb 8, 2015
Subject: Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Hello Satoshi-kun, how have you been?
I'm in China! Beijing, to be precise. Cars, bikes and people are everywhere; it's a true metropolis. In a sense, it feels very much like home, yet very much different at the same time. Not just because of the language difference, either. It's a formidable city, but beautiful -- it is modern, but its cultural attractions have been very well-preserved and you feel surrounded by modernity at one moment, and history the next. Do you remember our Taiwan concerts? Let's aim to perform in Beijing one day!
I'll be staying here for a week, just in time for the New Year celebrations! Many areas are already strewn with red and gold decorations, and the whole city seems soaked with energy. Even you wouldn't manage to be sleepy here! Or perhaps you would, ha ha.
Ah! How are you handling your newfound freedom, Satoshi? Is it easier or harder than you imagined? I hope Nino is doing his best to help your adjustment go smoothly as possible. Are you guys going for meals together, after work, or is he cooking for you himself? If it's the former, make sure he pays for his half of the meal, and if it's the latter... well, keep in mind water and cookies do not make a nutritious meal! I hope I do not return to see that you've lost a dramatic amount of weight!! I'll remind Nino that he has to cook properly for you. He has more than enough ability; you just have to provide him the motivation.
Did you get all your things moved in yet? If I recall correctly, Nino's apartment is quite compact. Please don't forget: if for whatever reason, you need a place to put some extra things, my place is open to you. Aiba has a copy of the key. (He is helping me water my cacti.) He'll get it for you if you ask him for it. Or, I can send him an email now and ask him to prepare it for you tomorrow? I'll do that, then. And, if, for whatever reason, you no longer wish to live with Nino (a just-in-case scenario, of course), my place is open to you in that regard as well. I insist.
Every day I stop by a small restaurant near my hotel and buy a small bag of Xiao Long Baos, for a midnight snack. Beijing flavours are delicious. I wish there was a way to send some back home to you. There is nothing like the peaceful expression on Satoshi-kun's face when he is eating Xiao Long Baos.
Please take care of yourself well, now that you are living on your (almost) own.
Yours,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
It's almost three weeks after the fact, but Ohno finally moving out of his parents’ house still lies in a strange place in Sho's mind. Ohno is turning thirty-four this year; that's more than old enough to start living away from family, but this is Ohno Satoshi, the man who doesn't buy any type of clothing without his mother's input and still occasionally asks his father to pick him up from bars at the end of the night. This is Ohno Satoshi, who'd happily stayed with his parents for so long that Sho had unconsciously accepted that this was just the way things always would be. Had Ohno decided to live the rest of his life at home with his parents, Sho wouldn't have bat an eye, because it wouldn't be strange to him. He can’t quite picture Ohno as a keen go-getter eager to prove his self-sufficiency. It's not that Sho thinks of Ohno as a child, but Ohno inspires a not insignificant amount of protectiveness within Sho, in a way that far eclipses such tendencies for any other Arashi member. Sho acknowledges this because it's one of the more dependable parts of his personality, and Sho takes comfort in dependability.
Is it any wonder then, that Ohno's moving out has upset Sho's predictability of his world view? Any other qualities of Ohno’s personality are unconventional enough as it is - him changing aspects of himself that Sho had long since accepted leaves Sho with very little definitiveness to hold on to. He knows it's not sensible, but Sho can't hold back his feelings about this. Ohno occupies a special section of Sho's mind - Ohno’s a world on his own, a calm blue bubble within the fiery red inferno of Sho's mental labyrinth, and Sho's internal rules have never been applicable to the other man, no matter how hard Sho has tried. Ohno is out of bounds.
It's not even as if Sho is afraid that Ohno will wither up and die without someone to watch over him; that's what Nino's for, after all.
Really, Sho shouldn't have been surprised about that either, when Ohno had revealed that he would be living with Nino for the indeterminate future. Ohno and Nino are a match made in fangirl heaven, and if this pattern of Ohno doing "adult things" continues (i.e. moving, driving, getting caught in another threesome -- only this time there was only one girl), then it shouldn't be too long before he hitches up with Nino to cannon-burst their way into their happily ever after, Ohmiya SK style. Even if Ohno had said, in his own roundabout way, that it wouldn’t happen, Sho knows certain things are inevitable. After all, it’s been ten years in the making and Sho has been watching every second of it.
He carefully dams that train of thought that niggles at him, saying how it's that one fact that seems to be causing him more turmoil than anything else.
But it doesn't stop him from offering Ohno a set of his keys.
It's for an emergency situation, Sho reasons. It's nothing more than friendly courtesy. Ohno will always need someone to take care of him, Nino or not, and Sho's long since decided that he will always be there for Ohno, irrespective of time, place or situation. Sho will not let a distance of a few hundred kilometres excuse him from his resolution. Simple as that.
Outside Sho's hotel window, the downtown streets are bursting with red flags and lanterns in the spirit of the new year. Sho finds himself watching a group of children light a row of firecrackers by a small alleyway; they jump around delightedly as it cracks and pops, sparks bursting and smoke hissing into the air. Sho watches the explosions fizzle and feels a headache coming on.
He’s been getting these dreams, since he first left Japan. At first he thought it was purely homesickness, but it’s been almost a week and still they pervade his nights, creeping up on him when his mind is tired and pliable and unable to put up the mental barricades that Sho self-manages stringently throughout the day.
The reason that Sho first thought it was homesickness is because they don’t feel so much as dreams as they do memories.
“Would Sho-chan mind?” Ohno asks, gently, sincerely.
“Mind...”
“Me - with Nino.”
“Of-” A swallow. “Of course not, Satoshi-kun. Why would I? I think it’s a good idea.”
“It won’t be like that, though. You know that, right?”
“Like what?”
“It won’t be - me and Nino, it’s just the way it is, but we’re not like that. Does Sho-chan understand?”
And Sho says no. Says no, he doesn’t understand. Says, Satoshi, of course I mind. Says, Satoshi-kun, I’m sorry, but I want to be selfish with this, with you, and I don’t want you to go to Nino. Reaches out of Ohno’s thin wrist and clutches the frail bone tight enough to feel Ohno’s warmth searing through his paper skin, and Sho says-
This is how Sho knows it’s a dream, because in reality, Sho had said yes. Sho had said yes because he had understood, though he hadn’t really believed it; if they weren’t like that now, they would be later. Soon. But Sho had said yes because this was Ohno, and Sho couldn’t say no to Ohno, not now, not ever.
It’s commendable, just how cruel people can be without a trace of ill intention. People can be so cruel to others; even crueller to themselves.
-----
Date: Feb 6, 2015
Subject: Re: Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Hi Sho-chan
Beijing sounds great! Xiao Long Baos are the very best. Please eat my share for me. Sho-chan has the best taste! Tokyo is the same. It is cold! I cant' wait until it's warm enough again to go fishing. This year I am definitely going to get a big maguro!!! Sho-chan, wish me luck, okay? It'll be my first catch of the year!
I am doing very well, thank you for asking. My mother calls me every night to make sure that I do not need anything. Also, Nino is taking good care of me! He got rid of a lot of his old gaming systems so I could have more room. :) He sometimes makes me fried rice for breakfast, too. We're doing okay!! Jun-kun is also diong his best to make sure I am having enough to eat at Nino's because sometimes he gives us his leftovers. Nino hates this but he likes Jun-kun's cooking.
Aiba-chan made me a copy of your key. I don't need it, but I added it to my old keychain. I promise not to let Nino have it.
Nino says Sho-chan is really worried for me because he misses me. We miss you too, Sho-chan! Please have lots of fun in China, okay!!!
Satoshi
-----
There is an odd pleasure gained by Ohno hiding the key from Nino. There are many, many reasons for this and Sho tells himself it's a waste of time to go through them all, but suffice it to say, the feelings that leap most prominently to his mind have to do with safety and possession. He doesn't analyze it any further.
That afternoon, walking through a busy marketplace, Sho's eyes catch on a display of key chains in the shape of small golden fishes with bright blue lacquered scales -- it's not quite a giant tuna, but Sho buys one to send to Ohno anyway, on a stupid whim.
(“I wanted to tell you, before you left,” Ohno had said, fingers a vice on Sho’s powerless forearm, “I just want to tell you - you’re the only one I’ve ever taken fishing. Out of Arashi. You’re the only one.”
And Sho, he had been able to feel his heartbeats in his teeth, they were pounding so loudly, so uncontrollably, and Sho had wanted to pull his arm back towards himself - Ohno attached to it, and reach over to him and-)
A silly, stupid whim.
When Sho leaves China, the dreams follow.
INDIA.
He has good memories of India, from his last visit over five years ago. He remembers Agra, full of beautiful architecture, with the Taj Mahal as its crowning jewel, and deservedly so. It had been a breathtaking view: the glistening white domes, the tall, resplendent columns reaching towards the pure blue sky, the entire mausoleum mirrored without blemish in the garden pool, stretching out endlessly in front of it. The tour guide accompanying Sho had prattled on in his accented but fluent English, and Sho, although he'd done his research beforehand, was again struck by the fact that the entire structure and its grounds was built in the memory of one person. One single person! How much the emperor must have loved his wife, Sho had thought, to create something so amazing for her, after her death.
Sho could barely say the words “I love you” and there existed people who would build world wonders to express the sentiment. That’s even more incredible than the building itself.
Here in Mumbai, the atmosphere is busy and bustling, a different sort of metropolis than Tokyo. Everything seems to be tinged with an earthy shade of brown, and the air smells of gasoline and spices. Sho takes his camera and immerses himself in the city’s streets, packed to the nth degree with people, people shrouded in cloths all the colours of the rainbow, gold decorations sparkling as they walk.
In a small dusty lot in between two raggedy apartment complexes, there is a group of teenagers playing a messy game of soccer. Sho stops for a while, camera on, and grins when the boys notice him filming and start to show off tricks. A small boy sitting by one of the rocks serving as a goal post notices Sho too, and runs up to him, hands cupped, the universal sign for begging. Sho doesn't carry loose change on his person (not safe), but takes a stiff, crumpled napkin from his pocket and quickly folds it into an origami crane. Sho's hands are clumsy when dealing with any type of art or craft, but the bird turns out looking more or less like it should, and when Sho offers it to the boy, he's treated to a brilliant grin, complete with a gap for two front teeth. The boy shouts something in another language -- Hindi? All the Indian dialects sound like Hindi to Sho -- and darts off, crane in hand, to a little girl in a dirty skirt sitting in the shadows one of the apartment buildings casts. Sho watches the boy offer the girl the bird, and the slow progress of the girl's smile as she takes it.
Sho melts.
He decides to send an email to Aiba about it because Aiba loves children and stories about children. Actually, Jun does too, so maybe Sho will send the message to him as well. Three-fifths of the message is already composed in Sho’s head before Sho gets back to his hotel room, four-fifths by the time his email inbox loads. It’s reflex that makes him click the newest unread email in the list - it’s a reply from Ohno.
-----
Date: Feb 19, 2015
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Namaste!
hi Sho-chan
sorry this email is a little late. it's been busy lately! Drama filming is going well, but this role is really strange to me because ive never had to play an insane person before. Nino says that I should just hang around Aiba-chan for a full 24 hours and just copy that, but Aiba hit him and made him take it back. does Sho-chan have any advice for me? How did you play Kamiyama on The Quiz Show?
Cooking lessons with Jun-kun are really good!! i'm having a lot of fun. I think I'm much slower than Jun-kun likes but he has been very patient with me so far. We make jokes about Sho-chan sometimes. Do you remember the time that Sho-chan tried to bake a cake for my birthday? Jun-kun likes to pretend that that day didn't happen at all. I was really happy that day though, because even Aiba didn't like the taste, so I got a whole delicous cake to myself!! :)
maybe I'll learn how to make curry next, so when Sho-chan comes home he won't miss India too much.
I don't know if this is something that is proper emails but Sho-chan will find out eventually, I think... Nino kissed me yesterday, so, maybe we're in a relationshp now. I don’t know. It's hard to tell, with Nino. I don’t really understand what he wants half the time, but Aiba-chan and Jun-kun think it’s a relationship, so I guess it is. They werent suprised at all so I don't think Sho-chan will be either. Ah, even so, i thought it was still my job to tell you.
You were right, Sho-chan. I’m very sorry that I got confused. Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.
Satoshi
-----
Sho reads the email twice and closes his eyes.
The first wave of emotion is anger: cold, bitter anger. I told you, Sho’s mind snarls. You cannot be surprised by this email, you knew this would come. You told yourself, you knew this was coming, you prepared for it. You’ve opened the last five emails expecting this message, and now, here it is. You were right. Aren’t you pleased? You were right.
He was right.
The feelings of anger within him quickly crumble into acceptance, equally cold and bitter.
Ohno and Nino are together now. Like that.
Sho is in fucking India.
If Sho were in Japan, then he’d be able to-
No. If Sho were in Japan, he would do nothing, because that is the right thing to do. Sho has nothing to say to either Ohno or Nino other than congratulations, and maybe some slight teasing for them taking so long. Because it was Ohno and Nino, and Sho knew it would turn out like this between them, and since he did, if he did have something to say, then he certainly had plenty of time to say it before - this happened. So it must be inferred that Sho has nothing to say.
Sho is fine.
Sleep suddenly sounds like a very good idea. Sho’s not too tired, but he finds that he would like to clear his mind. He must have breathed in a mix of too many unfamiliar chemicals today, out on the street.
”Does Sho-chan understand?” Ohno asks.
“Yes, I understand.” The only answer to give, but it hurts nevertheless. “There’s no issue.”
“Good,” Ohno smiles, lips tightly pressed and not happy at all. “I’m not -- It’s just - convenience.”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Satoshi-kun.”
“No,” Ohno says. “But I want to.”
“Why?” The words are out of him before he realizes it. “There’s really no reason to. Ohno, you-”
But here he pauses, because Ohno is pulling back, eyes wide in confusion and - something else.
“Oi, I’m done,” calls Nino’s voice, from somewhere behind Ohno. “Let’s go.”
Ohno starts to turn away, but he pauses, because someone tells him to wait. Sho tells him to wait. Sho reaches out and he says-
Sho wakes, the words already gone from his lips, lost in the dead air of his room. No one hears.
Of course no one hears, because in reality, Sho hadn’t said anything. Not back then. Nino had called Ohno to go, and Ohno had spared one last tight-browed look at Sho before turning, and Sho had watched him walk away. Walk to Nino, the both of them automatically falling into step, shoulders brushing. Same height. Same slouch.
Sho hadn’t said anything at all, and he had (has) no one to blame but himself.
It occurs to him, the next day, that it was Ohno who'd taught Sho how to make paper cranes. Ohno's precise hand movements, smoothing the paper, neatly creasing a fold, a few flicks of his long fingers and -- there. A bright red, square-bodied bird, sitting in the centre of his palm. Sho had come across thousands of cranes in his schoolboy life, and yet the one that Ohno had made was the most perfect one Sho had ever seen.
Sho's own crane had been abysmal in comparison (he'd always been the type who would rather study paper than transform it), but Ohno had only grinned and patted Sho's wrist for a job well done. Sho remembers a surge of -- of some sort of feeling, and then Ohno had taken Sho's sloppily folded crane and placed it next to his own, with its crisp, pristine edges, and had said, "Pretty." At that moment, the surging feeling had threatened to drown Sho.
It's recalling this feeling now that gives Sho the courage to reply to Ohno's email.
-----
Date: Feb 20, 2015
Subject: Leaving India!
Hello Satoshi-kun,
It's good to hear that you're enjoying yourself on the set. I'm afraid the amnesiac Kamiyama is not quite the type of "insane" that you are going for, so my advice to you is limited. This role must be a challenge for you, I know! Few people truly understand what it means to be psychologically disturbed -- but you should use that fact to your advantage and play the character in a way that suits you best. Don't worry about following any "typical model" for acting insane, really. The best example I can give you is... I'm sure you've heard of the comparison that love is just another form of insanity. Something all-consuming, merciless, and makes a person act out of passion instead of sense. This might be what you feel for Nino, in fact! Try to apply the same breadth of feeling in this different setting. I hope I'm making sense here.
I must offer you congratulations on your new relationship, Ohno-san! Yes, I was far from surprised, but it was nevertheless good to hear it out of your mouth. Or your fingers, rather. I wish you and Nino the best of luck, and much happiness for years to come!! We should have a party to celebrate, when I get home!
I’ll be heading to Papua New Guinea next, for a few days, and I don’t know how the internet access is over there. If it doesn’t work, I’ll email you in a week, from Australia!
Take care of yourself,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
AUSTRALIA.
“Oh, wow, this beer,” Aiba gushes. “This beer.”
Sho laughs. “I’m glad it’s as good as you remember it.” He fondly watches the way Aiba licks foam from his upper lip; Aiba’s happiness has always been contagious.
“Everything tastes better after a brush with death,” Aiba says.
“It was three kangaroos.”
“Three. Whole. Kangaroos!” Aiba agrees, nodding furiously. “One wild kangaroo is one too many. I was lucky to escape with my life. The biggest one nearly knocked me out! Fists like this, Sho-chan,” Aiba curls his fingers loosely and mimics a kangaroo batting his paws.
“You can’t still be scared of them,” Sho says. “You’ve worked with so many of them already.”
“They’re crazy, Sho-chan. But I’m a very brave person.”
“You really are.”
“You should have heard Becky shriek when this one kangaroo raised itself on its tail. She thought it was going to kick her or something.”
“I’ll be sure to watch the episode, when it airs.”
Aiba grins brightly. “You know, if you wanted to, like, film yourself going after some local animals, we could add in your footage on the show too. A Sakurai Sho Out In The Big Wide World Exploring Explorer Special! Do you have any scorpions in your hotel?”
“Definitely not.”
Aiba has the gall to look disappointed. ”Oh well, if you find one, please film it, okay? The bigger the better.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sho says dryly.
“Sho-chan,” Aiba eagerly says, as if just struck with the thought, “did you know that koalas are high all the time?”
Life-threatening suggestions aside, Sho is nothing but thankful that Aiba’s here with him in Melbourne. It had been quite a miracle, having their schedules meet up like this - well, Sho’s schedule, at least, since Aiba’s trip to Australia for Shimura Doubutsuen had been booked months in advance. It’s amazing, seeing a familiar face after weeks of solitary travel. Sho knew he missed Japan, but he didn’t realize just how much, until he saw Aiba’s smile and friendly wave from the front door of the restaurant (recommended by the receptionist of Sho’s hotel). Aiba’s smile warmer than the searing Australian sun, but infinitely more comforting. Aiba’s sparkling eyes, reminding Sho that he was far from forgotten, even at this distance from home.
They spend too long eating dinner because for each minute they spend spooning food into their mouths, they spend ten letting words come out of it. It’s out of character for them, the two healthiest appetites in Arashi (Ohno’s appetite can be described in many ways, but healthy is not one of them) - but it’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. Even though Sho’s been keeping on top of his email correspondence, there’s a lot to catch up on. Plus, there’s something in Aiba’s voice that Sho has always loved; it teases through his ears and soothes his body like a soft, scratchy blanket.
Aiba, just like every time he comes to Australia, is completely taken by Australian beer and the size of the cans they come in (“Imagine playing Kick the Can with this, Sho-chan! You’d stub a toe, I bet.”), and before Sho knows it, he’s a bit more than tipsy and Aiba is squinting in the way he does when he’s on the verge of seeing double. Sho has a sudden horrible recollection of the fiasco they last time they were on this continent together, when they’d forgotten their hotel’s address and had spent hours cabbing around the city, Sho half nauseous with worry (the other half with alcohol) and Aiba unable to stop giggling in between bursts of happy tears. It had been an interesting adventure, certainly, but it doesn’t stop Sho now from fumbling through his travel bag, impatiently making sure he still has his hotel key card.
“What are you looking for?” Aiba hiccups.
“My key,” Sho says. Ah, there it is. Good. He puts his bag down.
Aiba’s eyes are narrowed at a spot over Sho’s right shoulder. “But I gave it to Captain.”
“What? No, no, not that one, I-”
“Nino found it, you know?”
Sho hesitates. Nino found Sho’s key on Ohno’s keychain?
He mutters, “I didn’t, actually. No one told me.” Nino didn’t, is what Sho means. Ohno didn’t either. Sho didn’t notice anything off in either of their emails.
There’s a guilty shrug from Aiba. “Would he, though? You know Nino.”
Sho does; that’s what concerns him. “Was he - upset?”
“Dunno,” Aiba says, and looks away briefly to let out a burp. “Excuse me,” he sighs. “He looked the same as always. I wouldn’t have known, but Captain came in looking for his keys, and Nino, Nino pointed to the coffee table - we’re working in the same building now, right? Oh-chan’s drama, and sometimes we eat together - and I wasn’t sure if he noticed or not at first, the extra key, but it’s Nino, Sho-chan. I think he noticed. And you told me to label it! It’s Nino!”
“What did Jun say?” Sho asks quickly. Aiba must have told him by now, and Jun’s reactions have always been the most reasonable in Arashi. Sho can gauge the situation based on Jun’s assessment.
“He told me not to say anything. Said it was Captain’s fault for forgetting his keys like that, on the table where Nino always throws his games. And I said, Captain’s just that way, it’s not his fault! But Jun-kun just glared at me and said, Captain’s aware of a lot more than we give him credit for. Or wait, maybe he said, Captain’s a lot more aware than we credit him for - Captain’s - wait, doesn’t that mean the same thing? Wait, sorry, I-”
Sho waits. His grip on his beer mug is tight. Aiba lets out a massive belch, excuses himself, and blinks at Sho groggily. His face is flushed, but he’s not smiling any more.
“Anyway, I can’t remember,” Aiba continues, words slurring just a bit. “But I think they’re fighting now, Sho-chan. Because, because after that, later on in the week, I went to the combini by the studio, right? Just to get a meal for the ride home. And Ohno was there eating, and Nino wasn’t. Ohno was done filming for the day, Sho-chan.”
Sho can feel the weight of that statement like a clamp in his chest. Ohno had a meal. After filming. Without Nino. Ohno didn’t have his full license yet; Nino’s been picking him up from work for weeks now (had been, since Sho had first arrived in India), and it’s only natural for them to eat together. Sho knows this because Ohno told him in an email (and it’s startling how easy it is for him to recall Ohno’s emails, word for word). For Ohno to eat alone, after work, that - meant something. There are other explanations, of course: it could be that Nino had just been waiting in the car, it could be that Nino had to do something else that day -
Except Sho knows Nino.
“Captain seems sad lately. He hasn’t been sleeping well,” Aiba admits.
“Maybe he’s just been fishing too much,” Sho tries, but he knows he’s grasping at straws. Ohno hasn’t been out fishing yet; it’s still too cold out on open water. It’s not even March.
“Maybe,” Aiba mopes.
Sho swallows another mouthful of alcohol. He imagines that his guilt would taste much the same way: dark, heavy, and lingering in the pit of his stomach like an unpleasant promise - too much of me, and you’re going to regret it. Too much of me, and I’ll destroy your health.
Aiba abruptly sits up, a flash of clarity slicing through his features. “Sho-chan, you could - since it’s you, you should-” Sho meets his surprise gaze and Aiba flounders; he doesn’t finish his sentence and instead slumps back in his chair dejectedly.
“What?” Sho says. “Aiba, what were you saying?”
Aiba shakes his head. “Sorry, no, I shouldn’t have said - it’s a stupid idea. You’re here in Australia, right? You won’t be back home for a long time.”
(“You’re really leaving?” Ohno had said, voice tilting in surprise.
“I think the trip will do me good, actually.” This was about as honest as Sho had been able to be.
“How long?”
“I’m thinking five months, approximately.”
Ohno’s lips had thinned slightly; Sho couldn’t keep himself from staring. It could hardly be called a smile.
Ohno had said, “That’s-”
“Yes, well. I have the time.”
“But you’ll-”
“Keep in touch? Of course I will, Satoshi-kun.”
“No, I meant. You’ll be okay? Sho-kun will definitely come back, right?”
There had been alarm there. Alarm evident by the thin edge of urgency (panic?) in Ohno’s voice, in the matching urgency (desperation?) flaring in Ohno’s eyes - alarm that bled into Sho immediately, who was startled to realize that Ohno was worried Sho’s plans might change - that, what, that Sho might stay away longer? Not come back at all? Preposterous. How could he? Japan had his family, his friends, Arashi - how could Sho possibly stay away?
Home, where Ohn-)
“No,” Sho answers Aiba. “I suppose not.”
JAPAN. (Last December.)
Everyone was surprised when Ohno pulled the first sticker off his sign board and revealed his little goal for the New Year. There was nothing written about fish or art or practising to speak.
Learn how to drive.
“Wow, Captain!” Aiba said.
“That’s quite sensible of him, isn’t it?” Jun asked, nodding to the show’s staff. “It’s about time.”
Nino said, “No backing out, now that you’ve written it.”
“There’s more,” Ohno replied, and peeled away the second sticker off his big New Year’s resolution. “Driving is for this.”
To become a better man.
“Wow, Captain!” Aiba said again. “Amazing! You’re totally amazing.”
Sho clapped Ohno on his shoulder. “Good for you, Satoshi-kun! I’m very impressed with your goals! They put all the rest of ours to shame.”
“Since the rest of us already know how to drive,” Nino said.
“Regardless,” Sho said. “Very noble aspirations.”
Ohno smiled. “I’ll work hard. I’m going to become more serious from now on!” This brought a laugh from the studio.
“And how will we know if you’ve achieved your goal, in six months?” Jun asked. “The license you can show us, but...”
Aiba interrupted, sitting up and nearly dropping his own sign board. “Hey, can you get a certificate for being a gentleman?”
“You’d fail for sure!” Nino shouted.
“I would not! I know manners.”
“It’s have manners, you idiot.”
Ohno tapped his fingers on his board, bringing back the attention of the camera. “You’ll be able to tell, I think. In six months, I’ll look like a real adult.”
“Said the thirty-three year old.”
“Captain!” Aiba said. “Are you going to be married by the time Arashi reunites?”
It was an old joke within the group, that Ohno already had a wife but didn’t know it, that Ohno accidentally walked into a church one day and got eloped, that Ohno will one day be roped into a marriage while still wondering how he got into the tuxedo. Sho never partook. It wasn’t so much because Sho didn’t think they were funny (they weren’t though), but more due to the way Ohno always looked to Sho when jokes were getting out of hand. For support and reassurance. Just like the way Ohno was doing now.
“If Ohno-san is going to come back from the hiatus married,” Sho said lightly, “then so will I.”
He meant it in jest, of course, but something in Ohno’s face stilled his reaction. There, in between his eyebrows, was a line of discomfort. “We can just marry each other, Satoshi-kun,” Sho added, just to make sure Ohno knew he was joking. But at that, Ohno’s eyes widened. He didn’t laugh.
“You can cosplay as a bride, Sho-chan!” Aiba immediately suggested, prompting another roll of laughter from the staff, and Ohno pasted on an absent smile, turning his gaze back to his sign board.
Sho had the distinct feeling that he’d disappointed someone.
Which was odd, particularly if it was due to something he’d said right then, because nothing he said was offensive. Not unless - impossible.
Sho was too busy to talk to Ohno for the rest of the week (it wasn’t avoidance, there was nothing to be scared of, there was nothing anyway, at all), and then there were New Year’s concerts to do (one last party hosted by Arashi, before a long-deserved break), and certainly there was no private time to be found within there. Early January came quickly, and when Ohno invited Sho for drinks one weekend, Sho was so tired from the last of Arashi’s wrap-up activities that he’d said no, another time maybe, thank you Satoshi-kun. (Turns out Sho was even tired to fall asleep; he stayed awake all night.)
Two days later, Ohno moved out of his parents’ house and into Nino’s apartment. One day after that, he asked for Sho’s understanding.
Sho gave it. How could not? How could he possibly refuse Ohno?
(There was no one to blame but himself.)
NEW ZEALAND.
-----
Date: Mar 15, 2015
Subject: re: (none)
Dear Satoshi-kun,
Thank you for your email! Honestly, I was starting to get concerned, since you hadn’t replied in over a week. I hope that communicating with me hasn’t been tiring you out too much; if you’d rather use the time to devote to fishing, or to spend with Nino, just let me know! It is completely understandable. But otherwise, it is extremely pleasing to hear that you are well. Please take care of yourself well as your schedule remains filled.
But yes, Nino’s correct! I’m in New Zealand now, and yesterday I had an excursion to Mitre Peak, which is a seaside cliff that is 1692 metres above sea level. It was quite an exhilarating experience! I wonder if I’ve finally conquered my fear of heights from this? Is it possible?? That moment on the cliff really called for a poignant comment and I remember thinking that if Ohno-san were there, he’d say something quite profound and fitting. Your special gift, Satoshi-kun! Once again I found myself wishing that I had your eloquence.
I’m sorry that my advice was not applicable; I’m afraid my knowledge in the areas of acting, insanity, and love are all equally lacking - although I suppose they are not mutually exclusive. Good luck. Try your hardest! You’re the most talented actor among us, anyway!
Wishing you the very best,
Sakurai Sho.
-----
He carefully keeps from mentioning the supposed tension between Ohno and Nino. He’d started to type a paragraph of advice (“Nino sometimes keeps things to himself but he gets over it with time, if Nino is mad at someone it most certainly won’t be you, Nino loves you so, so much”), but he had quickly backspaced over it. It’s not Sho’s right to pry into their relationship, so if Ohno and Nino are going to stay silent about it, then Sho will respect their silence. Sho can’t fault them for keeping the news from him; out of everyone they could get advice from, Sho’s physical distance probably makes sure his name is near the bottom of the list, right next to Pan-kun and Chinen-kun. It doesn’t stop Sho from feeling hurt, like they’ve left him out of the loop on purpose. Sho’s not in Japan, if people don’t tell him things (important things like this), he will not know.
And he finds that he wants to know more about this issue. Very much so.
Which is why he takes pains to keep his email explicitly neutral. Sho cannot let his emotions - foolish, meaningless, just another manifestation of homesickness, they have to be - influence something that he has no part in. It wouldn’t be fair. Sho cannot-
He cannot.
Sho takes a deep breath and pushes away from his computer, He feels the need to go outside again - New Zealand’s mountains are beautiful - and be somewhere so large that his own problems (what problems, anyway) seem absolutely insignificant in comparison. He doesn’t want to think about this anymore. He wants to go back onto the cliff and experience that all-encompassing feeling of human meeting world.
And yet, in that moment too, when Sho had felt nothing except the solid, pulsing truth that he was alive, dammit, he had still thought of Ohno.
Ohno never takes advantage of Sho’s fear of heights. He doesn’t make fun of a lot of things, but he definitely doesn’t make fun of Sho - when Sho is a hundred metres above a concert floor, hanging by two ropes thinner than his neck, all Ohno does is smile and nod to Sho, like nothing is wrong. It’s reassuring; just enough of a gesture to know that someone acknowledges Sho’s fear and accepts it without fuss. If Ohno gropes for a brief, strong squeeze of Sho’s hand before the pulleys start raising their bodies, then even better. It’s nice to have Ohno’s support, even if it’s silent. Especially if it’s silent. Because up in the air is the only time when Sho’s words are of extremely short supply, and Sho doesn’t like to be outmatched.
Ah, correction: one of the only times. There are other occasions, when Sho is rendered speechless.
But some memories don’t bear thinking about.
A long time ago, Sho asked Ohno a question.
It was so long ago that Sho can’t even remember what it was he asked (he has the feeling that it had something to do with Ohno’s art show); all the recalls now is what Ohno’s answer had been.
“It’s not really scary,” Ohno had said. “Some things are worth the risk.”
Sho remembers that moment clearly, clear as glass, because it had put into glaring perspective one of the biggest differences between himself and Ohno. It was this: Sho did not feel comfortable unless he had some tangible control over his surroundings, whereas Ohno was content to let the world push him into whatever path was ready for him. Sho didn’t like risk because he didn’t like losing. Losing didn’t matter much to Ohno; he appreciated that he at least had something to lose.
Sho, though, in his heart of hearts, had always been a coward.
He remembers that moment because he’d seen this gap between himself and Ohno like it was a canyon trench, stretching onwards for miles, and all he could think about was what an amazing person Ohno Satoshi really was.
In that moment, Sho had realized that there really was no one else on earth like Ohno. Nino, Jun, Aiba, even Sho, they were each of them unique in their own ways, but out of a population of over six billion people, there were bound to be plenty of witty gamers, charming over workers, and exuberant merrymakers. But how many people like Ohno, whose inner talent rivalled a supernova and yet whose surface was a serene brook? Who had both no confidence and every confidence in himself? Who touched people simply by moving at his own pace, and stunned them with just how much depth was really underneath his effortless demeanour? Ohno was a planet onto his own, and his gravitational pull had been slowly pulling Sho closer for years.
Then, Ohno had said, “If you believe in what you love, that’s enough,” and that one sentence had effectively blindsided Sho with its wisdom. It was at times like that when Sho was certain that Ohno knew more of the world than anyone. It was at times like that, when Ohno was simply sharing himself, that Sho had the fleeting delusion that Ohno was the world. People like Ohno don’t fit with everyone else because eventually everyone else will change to fit them. Ohno stood out by staying behind. Ohno was untouchable.
Thinking back on it, maybe that’s when Sho knew.
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