Let's Play Iji Gaiden
Sector Various
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IJI
What?
DAN
You just disappeared all of a sudden, and now you're back. I don't get it.
IJI
Huh, me neither. All I can remember was a rave. Then again, I guess it was more like a mosh... inside a video game console.
DAN
...
IJI
Oh! I mean, actually it was this top-secret dimensional wormhole full of spherical aliens that some Tasen -
DAN
You know what? I'll just pretend this conversation never happened.
From here, the game continues uninterestingly!
Gripping tragedy!
I'm not a pacifist!
Iji is one of the three characters most susceptible to the Scrambler!
Boss fights are harder! Some of the turrets are Rocket turrets.
Asha is another one of the aforementioned susceptible characters! All of his dialogue is replaced with things like TOOT TOOT and BIPPITY.
And now, an actual thing!
That last console is flickering randomly.
Let's see what's on it!
Time to play HERO 3D!
Graphics of the future!
Fire in as many as 2 directions!
Fight powerful gate guardians!
Destroy them in a world-shaking rumble!
Hide from the watchtower in the background!
Advance to the next level!
Note the level counter in the corner in Ternary!
Engage multiple kinds of enemies!
Oh no! I got seen by the tower!
What is that.
IT IS A MISSILE.
Okay get your ass back to work, Iji.
So!
About that Null Driver.
LET'S SEE WHAT IT CAN DO
OH GOD
WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE
TERMINALS THAT DROP EXPLODING BANANAS
I'M DESTROYING REALITY
IT'S CORRUPTING THE HUD
I'M OVERLOADING THE UNIVERSE
OH GOD, THIS IS TOO MUCH
MUST RESTART
I actually had to restart the program to get the graphics back.
Into the spaceship!
Out of the spaceship!
After beating the game once, there is a teleporter hidden in this wall!
What the
Secret zone!
I'm going through OmnikrakR's notes on this place, and man is he ever one crazy guy. I wouldn't expect anything less from the person who figured out how to crack Nanoweapons using cascading errors. Here are some of his weirder notes:
CHANGING FATE: In Sector 8, plant a Trapmine on the teleporter destination pad in the exit corridor. It may have some consequences.
ANOTHER FATE: You know the Tasen who was stationed to defend the lift near the Exit in Sector 3? I think there's a connection between her and another Soldier who writes diaries.
DEEP SECTOR: Human bunker in Sector 9. Raided by Ansaksie's Assasin squad as we landed, but it deosn't look like she was responsible for any kills herself.
HERO 3D TERMINAL: Some Tasen cracker called Yukabacera wrote a game for standard terminals. A terminal in Sector 6 has a copy of the game.
MILKING NANO: Keep kicking a dead Tasen Soldier, Tasen Commander, Komato Trooper or Komato Berserker to juggle it before it disappears, it'll drop extra Nano. Only works five times per individual.
ANNIHILATOR BETA: Remote-controlled Annihilator brought to Sector X. Looks like it was locked with a terminal in Sector 8.
HUMAN EGG-LIKE DECORATION: There's a Tasen Turret in Sector 8. I recall it has some weird connection to the turret head painted on the wall a couple of floors below.
YUKABACERA: I know where he's hiding, at the top of Sector 6, but it's no use trying to fight him. All he's got on him is that failed translator he calls the "Scrambler". Worthless.
HAHA ASHA SUCKS: When we realized the Nuke nanoweapon is so fast Assassins can't possibly avoid it, someone suggested Nuking Asha. It may not work after his latest bouts of training, though.
POWER CORE LOOPHOLE: Mobile power cores are immune to the Nuke but not to the Velocithor V2-10. Damnit.
FEIGN DEATH: Just lie still on the ground and pretend you're dead. WOrks until someone steps on you or shoots you. If they see you fall over they'll know you're faking it unless you lie still for a while.
SECRET PUSH-BUTTON CODE: I saw someone playing a game and inputting a code on the title screen. They said it was related to "connami" or something like that.
CUSTOM ERROR MESSAGES: Assassin Ansaksie has one of these. Try cracking her - if you can keep up with her. Nothing special.
FRAGILE SKYSMASHERS: Our Skysmashers can be destroyed with a single kick or Resonance Detonator shot, just like Tasen Turrets. Guess these models weren't that good after all.
MOVE CANCELING: I learnt this at the gym last starturn. I can jump and duck out of cetin moves, but it took some experimentation to get it right.
VENDING MACHINES: The humans have something resembling vending machines in Sector 8. Maybe they still work if you try using them.
POINTLESS LEDGE: Near the entrance to Sector 7 there's a short edge at the other end of a glass pane in the floor. Nothing at all seems to be on the other side.
SEALED ROOMS: Tasen Shredders are great for breaking super-high level Shield doors. The Resonance Detonator and Hyper Pulse can also destroy Shield doors, don't forget that.
GENERAL BANANA: I heard General Tor knows a cool balancing act. All you need to do is land the last hit on him with a Banana gun.
CREEPY CRAWLY: Yeah, I went to Sector Z, but I dunno how I got out of there. I tried poking all the creatures in there to see what would happen.
I FIGURED OUT THE "RETRIBUTION" ACTIVATION POINT: With the right requirements, get knocked to the gronud and quickly hold C while rising to your feet with 5 or less HP left. TOo bad only the Anomaly can do it.
RIBBONS: It seems the Human Anomaly hallucinates about pink ribbons, and missing just one of them makes her forget all about them. Whatever boots up her Nanofield...
WEIRD CONSTELATION: Use the "Numpad" to move the view and take a look aronud the sky in Sector 7. Also look carefully at the huge stacks of boxes in Sector 1, and one of the human computers in Sector 5.
CEILING LAMPS: I tried hitting my head on as many ceiling lamps as possible in Sector 1. All I got was a reprimand from my Berserker, though.
JUST SOME GOSSIP: I heard the only way to find out Annihilator Iosa's full name is connecting to her Personal Nanofield and attempting to crack it. Good luck man!
SUPERCHARGES: THere's one in every SEctor of this building? I know Sentinel Proxima drops one if you destroy it without ever electrocuting it.
HIGH-SECURITY TASEN ROOM: I saw a heavily locked room in Sector 3 protected by a set of powerful Shield and Security doors. Nanofield Rebooting should do the trick.
MASSACRE: Assassin Ansaksie's got this weapon, I know it. She has weird morals. She's willing to give a copy to someone whose kill count is a perfect 0.
INNER PREY: (See Craxmasta's log on "Null Driver")
AAAAAH I CAN'T GO ON: There's a crapload of other thingsI haven't even begun to research. Find them yourself, Craxmasta.
OmnikrakR, I have NO idea what's going on in this intercepted message from Komato Informational Center:
The results are in! High Command has carefully selected the following entries for excellence in their respective category. The winners will recieve a non-paid-for trip to nowhere starting now and ending ten cycles ago. Presenting the list of winners:
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2005: "nice game but next time i like it when you have more place to move bigger levels" -cambesa, typed entirely in huge red text
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2007: "The graphcis look a bit dull." -Prof. Mark Overmars
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2008: "THIS GAME IS A DON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nice music by the way" -lagarage
Runner-up Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2008: "yuck!" -zarley11
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2007: "ok the game is point less you just knock of some elves out weird,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, not fun for teens good for younger kids" -ash007
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2008: "its so much power. i love hard games nad power. it's fly santas everywhere." -piggekott
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2009: "THE KITTY WILL NOT DIE!!!!" -recon940
Winners of Iji Quote of the Year 2008: "YAY! Been waiting for this ever since it came out!" -Estin "it's nice to have an entire stat dedicated to giving people a boot-to-the-head" -100thassasin
Winners of Iji Quote of the Year 2009: "space weaponry seems to favor aliens with reverse-joing limbs." -HYDRACORE "NOBODY likes Iji." -Overman
Damn it, we can't get it back. OmnicrakR was planting a message in it but accidentally pulled the trigger. The entire Nanogun just disappeared, after turning one of the walls to a huge face and the floor to liquid pencils. We know these "hallucinations" are just long-distance light redirections from the wormholes the weapon attempts to open, but they're giving me nightmares.
Anyway, OmnikrakR tracked the gun into the space beyond that Tasen portal leading to "Sector Z". Guy's a genius, so he figured out that reality will shift in Sector Z according to who enters it - someone who has "achieved everything on the records screen except beating the Remar Games speedrun times" would be able to find and retrieve the Null Driver. We don't know what that means, but I'm not going to try and understand this weapon anymore. I'm just counting myself lucky that it somehow gave me 99 Points when I tried firing it. Too bad it also turned my gun into what looks like carbon dioxide pudding.
Annihilator plushie!
Enough of that nonsense!
Electrocuting the shit out of Proxima!
Why the hell not, save Dan!
Next time: The rest of the game!
<< | ^^ | >>
<< | ^^ | >>
IJI
What?
DAN
You just disappeared all of a sudden, and now you're back. I don't get it.
IJI
Huh, me neither. All I can remember was a rave. Then again, I guess it was more like a mosh... inside a video game console.
DAN
...
IJI
Oh! I mean, actually it was this top-secret dimensional wormhole full of spherical aliens that some Tasen -
DAN
You know what? I'll just pretend this conversation never happened.
From here, the game continues uninterestingly!
Gripping tragedy!
I'm not a pacifist!
Iji is one of the three characters most susceptible to the Scrambler!
Boss fights are harder! Some of the turrets are Rocket turrets.
Asha is another one of the aforementioned susceptible characters! All of his dialogue is replaced with things like TOOT TOOT and BIPPITY.
And now, an actual thing!
That last console is flickering randomly.
Let's see what's on it!
Time to play HERO 3D!
Graphics of the future!
Fire in as many as 2 directions!
Fight powerful gate guardians!
Destroy them in a world-shaking rumble!
Hide from the watchtower in the background!
Advance to the next level!
Note the level counter in the corner in Ternary!
Engage multiple kinds of enemies!
Oh no! I got seen by the tower!
What is that.
IT IS A MISSILE.
Okay get your ass back to work, Iji.
So!
About that Null Driver.
LET'S SEE WHAT IT CAN DO
OH GOD
WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE
TERMINALS THAT DROP EXPLODING BANANAS
I'M DESTROYING REALITY
IT'S CORRUPTING THE HUD
I'M OVERLOADING THE UNIVERSE
OH GOD, THIS IS TOO MUCH
MUST RESTART
I actually had to restart the program to get the graphics back.
Into the spaceship!
Out of the spaceship!
After beating the game once, there is a teleporter hidden in this wall!
What the
Secret zone!
I'm going through OmnikrakR's notes on this place, and man is he ever one crazy guy. I wouldn't expect anything less from the person who figured out how to crack Nanoweapons using cascading errors. Here are some of his weirder notes:
CHANGING FATE: In Sector 8, plant a Trapmine on the teleporter destination pad in the exit corridor. It may have some consequences.
ANOTHER FATE: You know the Tasen who was stationed to defend the lift near the Exit in Sector 3? I think there's a connection between her and another Soldier who writes diaries.
DEEP SECTOR: Human bunker in Sector 9. Raided by Ansaksie's Assasin squad as we landed, but it deosn't look like she was responsible for any kills herself.
HERO 3D TERMINAL: Some Tasen cracker called Yukabacera wrote a game for standard terminals. A terminal in Sector 6 has a copy of the game.
MILKING NANO: Keep kicking a dead Tasen Soldier, Tasen Commander, Komato Trooper or Komato Berserker to juggle it before it disappears, it'll drop extra Nano. Only works five times per individual.
ANNIHILATOR BETA: Remote-controlled Annihilator brought to Sector X. Looks like it was locked with a terminal in Sector 8.
HUMAN EGG-LIKE DECORATION: There's a Tasen Turret in Sector 8. I recall it has some weird connection to the turret head painted on the wall a couple of floors below.
YUKABACERA: I know where he's hiding, at the top of Sector 6, but it's no use trying to fight him. All he's got on him is that failed translator he calls the "Scrambler". Worthless.
HAHA ASHA SUCKS: When we realized the Nuke nanoweapon is so fast Assassins can't possibly avoid it, someone suggested Nuking Asha. It may not work after his latest bouts of training, though.
POWER CORE LOOPHOLE: Mobile power cores are immune to the Nuke but not to the Velocithor V2-10. Damnit.
FEIGN DEATH: Just lie still on the ground and pretend you're dead. WOrks until someone steps on you or shoots you. If they see you fall over they'll know you're faking it unless you lie still for a while.
SECRET PUSH-BUTTON CODE: I saw someone playing a game and inputting a code on the title screen. They said it was related to "connami" or something like that.
CUSTOM ERROR MESSAGES: Assassin Ansaksie has one of these. Try cracking her - if you can keep up with her. Nothing special.
FRAGILE SKYSMASHERS: Our Skysmashers can be destroyed with a single kick or Resonance Detonator shot, just like Tasen Turrets. Guess these models weren't that good after all.
MOVE CANCELING: I learnt this at the gym last starturn. I can jump and duck out of cetin moves, but it took some experimentation to get it right.
VENDING MACHINES: The humans have something resembling vending machines in Sector 8. Maybe they still work if you try using them.
POINTLESS LEDGE: Near the entrance to Sector 7 there's a short edge at the other end of a glass pane in the floor. Nothing at all seems to be on the other side.
SEALED ROOMS: Tasen Shredders are great for breaking super-high level Shield doors. The Resonance Detonator and Hyper Pulse can also destroy Shield doors, don't forget that.
GENERAL BANANA: I heard General Tor knows a cool balancing act. All you need to do is land the last hit on him with a Banana gun.
CREEPY CRAWLY: Yeah, I went to Sector Z, but I dunno how I got out of there. I tried poking all the creatures in there to see what would happen.
I FIGURED OUT THE "RETRIBUTION" ACTIVATION POINT: With the right requirements, get knocked to the gronud and quickly hold C while rising to your feet with 5 or less HP left. TOo bad only the Anomaly can do it.
RIBBONS: It seems the Human Anomaly hallucinates about pink ribbons, and missing just one of them makes her forget all about them. Whatever boots up her Nanofield...
WEIRD CONSTELATION: Use the "Numpad" to move the view and take a look aronud the sky in Sector 7. Also look carefully at the huge stacks of boxes in Sector 1, and one of the human computers in Sector 5.
CEILING LAMPS: I tried hitting my head on as many ceiling lamps as possible in Sector 1. All I got was a reprimand from my Berserker, though.
JUST SOME GOSSIP: I heard the only way to find out Annihilator Iosa's full name is connecting to her Personal Nanofield and attempting to crack it. Good luck man!
SUPERCHARGES: THere's one in every SEctor of this building? I know Sentinel Proxima drops one if you destroy it without ever electrocuting it.
HIGH-SECURITY TASEN ROOM: I saw a heavily locked room in Sector 3 protected by a set of powerful Shield and Security doors. Nanofield Rebooting should do the trick.
MASSACRE: Assassin Ansaksie's got this weapon, I know it. She has weird morals. She's willing to give a copy to someone whose kill count is a perfect 0.
INNER PREY: (See Craxmasta's log on "Null Driver")
AAAAAH I CAN'T GO ON: There's a crapload of other thingsI haven't even begun to research. Find them yourself, Craxmasta.
OmnikrakR, I have NO idea what's going on in this intercepted message from Komato Informational Center:
The results are in! High Command has carefully selected the following entries for excellence in their respective category. The winners will recieve a non-paid-for trip to nowhere starting now and ending ten cycles ago. Presenting the list of winners:
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2005: "nice game but next time i like it when you have more place to move bigger levels" -cambesa, typed entirely in huge red text
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2007: "The graphcis look a bit dull." -Prof. Mark Overmars
Winner of Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2008: "THIS GAME IS A DON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nice music by the way" -lagarage
Runner-up Castle of Elite Quote of the Year 2008: "yuck!" -zarley11
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2007: "ok the game is point less you just knock of some elves out weird,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, not fun for teens good for younger kids" -ash007
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2008: "its so much power. i love hard games nad power. it's fly santas everywhere." -piggekott
Winner of Garden Gnome Carnage Quote of the Year 2009: "THE KITTY WILL NOT DIE!!!!" -recon940
Winners of Iji Quote of the Year 2008: "YAY! Been waiting for this ever since it came out!" -Estin "it's nice to have an entire stat dedicated to giving people a boot-to-the-head" -100thassasin
Winners of Iji Quote of the Year 2009: "space weaponry seems to favor aliens with reverse-joing limbs." -HYDRACORE "NOBODY likes Iji." -Overman
Damn it, we can't get it back. OmnicrakR was planting a message in it but accidentally pulled the trigger. The entire Nanogun just disappeared, after turning one of the walls to a huge face and the floor to liquid pencils. We know these "hallucinations" are just long-distance light redirections from the wormholes the weapon attempts to open, but they're giving me nightmares.
Anyway, OmnikrakR tracked the gun into the space beyond that Tasen portal leading to "Sector Z". Guy's a genius, so he figured out that reality will shift in Sector Z according to who enters it - someone who has "achieved everything on the records screen except beating the Remar Games speedrun times" would be able to find and retrieve the Null Driver. We don't know what that means, but I'm not going to try and understand this weapon anymore. I'm just counting myself lucky that it somehow gave me 99 Points when I tried firing it. Too bad it also turned my gun into what looks like carbon dioxide pudding.
Annihilator plushie!
Enough of that nonsense!
Electrocuting the shit out of Proxima!
Why the hell not, save Dan!
Next time: The rest of the game!
<< | ^^ | >>