Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones
Part 4: Sick Fires
Link back to comic: Page 1539
>Rose, I must leave now.
>This is the last you will hear from me.
You return to your usual mindset. It's time to get to work.
You sip the martini thoughtfully.
Years in the future, but not many...
A Windswept Questant appears.
You have been directed to the desk of the Archagent, but he is nowhere to be found.
Hey, look, it's your parcel! Maybe you should just grab it and--
Your plan is not successful.
Jack would rather stab someone (say, you) to death than go through with all the paperwork required to hand that parcel off to an obviously fake courier.
But perhaps a deal can be arranged.
Bring the crowns of the white king and queen, and you'll get your package.
The purpose of the Jumper Shunt is revealed!
Stick punched cards into it, and the item from the card will be used to upgrade the Alchemiter.
You add the Punch Designix, the Totem Lathe, and the Holopad to the Alchemiter!
This is now your one-stop alchemy station. Awesome.
Upgrading that with a compact Jumper Shunt and an Enlarger, you have one hell of a sexy Alchemiter.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N
EB: who?
EB: oh, that's right...
EB: the leetspeaking blind one.
GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P
EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.
GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y
GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y
GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R
EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want.
GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST
GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY
GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3
GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS
EB: so you can "see" my whole future there, right?
EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me?
EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?
GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S
GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU
EB: sounds dumb.
EB: but if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess.
GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST
GC: 1TS NOT F4R
GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T
EB: whoa, you've got a map?
EB: can i have it?
GC: 1TS HUG3
GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT
GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T
GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO
EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.
EB: what am i looking at here?
GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO
GC: >:[
EB: what's with these colors.
EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST.
GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3
GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y
GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T
GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT
GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3???
EB: sure.
Meanwhile, Rose is strifing it up like crazy.
TG: im building up your house
TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound
TG: do you host east european industrial raves
TG: nevermind the point is
TG: im out of grist
TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule
TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall
TT: The spoils would sink.
TG: i dont know beach the thing first i guess
TT: And then what?
TG: what do you mean
TG: you kill it
TG: release a shitload of grist
TT: That sounds malicious.
TG: but you just rigged the thing with an oedipal harness and rode its torso like a log flume ride down a magical rainbow
TT: That was self defense.
TG: this is bullshit its an unfeeling monster who gives a fuck
TT: Maybe you could replicate a pillow I could use to smother it.
TT: Make it a clean hit.
TG: you can either kill it for the loot or wait a couple hours for gristtorrent to steal more of johns
TT: Does John know we've been sapping his grist yet?
TG: no but hes still got a ton so screw him
TT: Hold on, someone's messaging me.
TG: yeah me too
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GA: You Command The Seer
GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition
TG: who
GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty
TG: oh yeah sure
TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews
GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight
GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right
GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh
GA: Endearment
TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill
TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there
TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs
GA: Um Is This
GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship
GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong
TG: whats this about
TG: you have a thing for her dont you
TG: dont deny it bro its obvious
GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination
TG: hahahaha so terrible
TG: what a transparent dodge
TG: all hiding behind your alien shit
GA: I Just Would Like To Gather
GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity
TG: ok well its easy
TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite
GA: Maddening
GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns
TG: oh my flipping christ
TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs
GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark
GA: I Have Been Practicing
GA: Your Human Sarcasm
TG: oh ok
TG: that was pretty good
GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship
TG: alright look
TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops
TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit
GA: Then
GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things
TG: be like
TG: an antagonism ninja
TG: like her
TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing
GA: It Sounds Like
GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again
TG: yeah i guess i am
TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll
GA: Okay
GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed
TG: good luck bro
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AT: hIIII, sO,
AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,
TT: Who?
AT: oH, tHE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE "cool", i THINK,
AT: tHE SUN GLASSES GUY,
TT: Why would someone wear sunglasses while using a computer?
AT: i THOUGHT THE SAME THING ABOUT HOW ASININE THAT IS,
AT: sO, yOU KNOW THAT GUY, uMMM,
AT: i WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES,
AT: aND, uM, wHAT ARE THE TENDER SPOTS THAT ALL THOSE, uHHH,
AT: dEVICES HE EMPLOYS TO CONCEAL THEM, uHH, lIKE ALL THE THINGS HE SAYS HE THINKS ARE FUNNY,
TT: Your word choices are evocative.
TT: Is your design to couple with this gentleman?
AT: wHOAAAAAAAA, nO, nO, wHOA,
AT: oK, nO, tHAT JUST MADE ME FEEL UPSET TO THINK ABOUT,
TT: If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes.
AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HIS EARTH GOAT, bUT IF THAT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH THEN i GUESS THAT'S OK,
TT: Then we're agreed; you are hellbent upon literally seizing his shrill, bearded livestock.
TT: I'll assist you.
TT: If you really want to burn him, I recommend poetry.
AT: wHAT, pOETRY, aS IN LIKE THOSE HUMAN WORD BUNCHES,
TT: A deft cluster-bombing of this sort will leave nothing wriggling from the razed earth.
TT: I suppose what I'm saying is this.
TT: Drop some hard, peer-reviewed motherfuckin' science on his ass.
TT: Some seriously government funded shit.
TT: It will destroy him.
AT: aAAAAHAHAHAH, yES,
AT: tHIS IS THE IDEA THAT i LIKE,
TT: Consider me at your disposal to help craft a comeuppance of such unqualified devastation, the angels will weep pearlstrings of little urban fellows cantillating an unbroken chorus of Oh Snaps.
AT: pLEEEEASE,
AT: i THINK i AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MANUFACTURING THESE ALLEGED "dope" HUMAN RHYMES,
AT: aND STARTING SOME SICK FIRES,
AT: tHANKS FOR YOUR HELP, bUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,
-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- adiosToreador [AT] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AT: oOPS, sORRY, i DIDN'T MEAN TO BLOCK YOU,
TT: uMMMM,
Let's see the fruits of their research!
GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You
GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism
TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.
GA: Ah See It Is Working Already
GA: I Know What I Have To Do
GA: What We Have To Do Really
GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke
TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me.
GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You
GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You
TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place?
GA: Thats Next Time
TT: So to clarify.
TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be:
TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ...
GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply
GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6
GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible
TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera.
GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe
TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint?
GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GG] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "ConversationWithAStupidGirl.txt" --
TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks.
GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant
TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place?
GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It
TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word!
GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place
TT: I'll admit, this is a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for.
GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit
GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw
TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why?
TT: Why the convoluted artifice?
GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development
GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation
GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now
GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation
TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well?
TT: That's an interesting take on it.
TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan.
GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time
TT: You're awfully quick to his defense.
TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him?
TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it.
GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8
GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought
TT: Ok.
TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.
AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN,
AT: r U READY,
AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE,
AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING,
AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL,
TG: dont care
AT: oK, lET ME,
AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE,
AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK,
AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY,
AT: wHOSE,
AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK
AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY
AT: gOOSE,
AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE! wHERE, lET ME SEE YOUR HANDS,
AT: aND i SAY SHIT SORRY, i DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HONKTRABAND,
AT: wOW, oK,
AT: i AM GETTING OFF THE POINT, wHICH WAS,
AT: aBOUT THIS HOT MESS DAVE, tHAT YOU GOT LANDED IN,
AT: lIKE THE COP i MENTIONED, bUT INSTEAD OF YOUR BADGE,
AT: aND YOUR GUN, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT YOU HANDED IN,
AT: (aND THEN GOT HANDED BACK TO YOU,)
AT: cAUSE THAT'S HOW HUMANS GET SERVED,
AT: aND GUYS LIKE YOU DESERVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT iT'S,
AT: a CIRCLE AND HORNS IN YOUR BUTT THAT GOT BRANDED IN,
AT: (uMM, bEFORE i GAVE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU, i DID THAT, iS WHAT i MEAN,)
AT: bUT i MEAN, gETTING BACK TO THE POINT, oR MAYBE TWO ACTUALLY,
AT: tHE FIRST IS YOU SUCK, aND THE SECOND IS HOW i SMACKEDYOUFULLY,
AT: (oH YEAH, tHAT RHYME WAS SO ILLLLLLLLL,)
AT: bUT NO, jUST JOKING, lET'S SEE, hOW CAN i PUT THIS TACTFULLULLY,
AT: yOU THINK YOU'RE IN CHARGE BUT YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,
AT: i'M IN CHARGE, cAUSE i'M CHARGING IN,
AT: yOUR CHINASHOP,
AT: bREAKING, uH, yOUR PLATES AND STUFF, WHICH i DON'T REALLY KNOW,
AT: wHAT THE PLATES ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT, bUT,
AT: (fUCK,)
AT: iT'S JUST THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT
AT: bUT WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE NOT, mORE LIKE YOU ARE,
AT: sOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT,
AT: bUT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE COCK'S SHIT,
AT: sO, gIVEN THAT, lET ME BE THE FIRST,
AT: tO SAY YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOLD FROM PROSPIT,
AT: wHEN YOU'RE REALLY COLD SHIT FLUSHED FROM DERSE,
NEXT TIME: Shortcut!
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