Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones
Part 5: PCHOOOOO
Link back to comic: Page 1602
John is off reliving inexplicable Con Air fantasies!
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.
EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that?
EB: it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.
CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.
CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.
CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?
CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.
EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!
CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.
EB: don't you have alien movies from your alien planet?
CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS.
CG: ONE THAT IS AMAZING AND IS A CLASSIC IS...
CG: WHEREIN NUMEROUS VIGILANTES CONFRONT PERIL; ONE OF THEM BETRAYS THE OTHERS; (BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG);
CG: SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE FEMALE LEADS PROVOKE ROMANTIC TENSION; FOUR MAJOR CHARACTERS WEAR UNUSUAL HATS; ONE HOLDS PLOT-CRITICAL SECRET;
CG: 47 ON-SCREEN EXPLOSIONS, ONE RESULTING IN DEMISE OF KEY-ADVERSARY; 6 to 20 LINES THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS HUMOROUS;
EB: wait...
EB: this is the title?
CG: THEY TEND TO BE MORE LITERAL AND INFORMATIVE THAN YOUR TITLES.
EB: how do you even say them in casual conversation?
CG: WELL WE DON'T OBVIOUSLY.
CG: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYS, HEY GUYS WHY DON'T WE GO SEE A MOVIE, AND THEN EVERYONE JUST ENDS UP THERE.
CG: YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR CIVILIZATION JUST DIDN'T MATURE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING.
CG: MUST EXPLAIN WHY IT SPROUTED SUCH A MISERABLE CROP OF PLAYERS.
CG: INSTEAD OF BASICALLY GODS LIKE US.
EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape.
EB: GC gave me a map.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING.
CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS...
CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW?
EB: umm...
CG: OW FUCK!!!
CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME.
CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU.
CG: I TOLD HER TO STOP THESE SHENANIGANS...
EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves.
EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.
CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME.
CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.
CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.
EB: i like how you guys have basically resorted to trolling each other, through us.
EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet?
CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER?
EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno.
EB: want me to paste the conversation?
CG: NO NO, GOD NO, I HATE IT WHEN WE START GOING DOWN THAT ROAD.
CG: I'VE GOT TO GO.
EB: ok.
EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.
CG: OK, I'LL DO THAT.
EB: later.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE
GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW
EB: it was carcino.
GC: 1 B3T H3 1S CONFUS3D 4ND GRUMPY
EB: he has no idea what you're doing.
GC: 1 H34R H1M OV3R TH3R3 B4NG1NG ON THOS3 K3YS
GC: H3 H4S NO PURPOS3 Y3T
GC: NOT L1K3 YOU 4ND M3 JOHN >:D
EB: oh, he said to give you a message...
EB: he wants you to touch his bone lump or something.
GC: WH4T!!!
EB: and that he's pretty much basically in love with you.
GC: D1D H3 4CTU4LLY S4Y TH4T
GC: C4N YOU COPY 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D
EB: ohhh no, we're not going down that road!
EB: besides, it was a private conversation among private gentlemen colleagues.
EB: oh, also you're going to punch him.
EB: also he says you said it's from me.
GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO PUNCH H1M JOHN
EB: pffff, i don't care!
EB: i'm just the timey-wimey messenger here.
GC: JOHN T4K3 4 LOOK 4T WH3R3 TH3 SHORTCUT TOOK YOU
GC: TURN 4ROUND >:]
EB: what's that?
GC: 1TS YOUR D3N1Z3NS P4L4C3
GC: 3V3RY PL4N3T H4S 4 D3N1Z3N
GC: TH4T L1V3S D33P UND3RGROUND
GC: SL33P1NG
GC: 4ND GU4RD1NG 4 HUG3 GR1ST HO4RD
EB: so you want me to go down there and kill him?
EB: won't that be, uh, kinda hard?
GC: ORD1N4R1LY YOUD H4V3 4BSOLUT3LY NO CH4NC3
GC: BUT YOU H4V3 4N 4DV4NT4G3
GC: YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T
GC: W3 W1LL SK1P R1GHT TO TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3
GC: F1ND 1TS L41R
GC: 4ND K1LL 1T 1N 1TS SL33P
EB: what's the point of releasing the grist hoard?
EB: is it just so i can make tons more sweet loot?
GC: YOU COULD 1 GU3SS
GC: BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT
GC: 1TS FOR TH3 ULT1M4T3 4LCH3MY
GC: 1TS NOTH1NG FOR YOU TO WORRY 4BOUT NOW
GC: S33 TH4T G4T3 OV3R BY TH3 BROK3N BR1DG3
GC: GO CH3CK 1T OUT
EB: alright.
EB: so this is the seventh gate?
EB: that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen?
GC: NOP3 >:]
GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3
GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND
GC: JUST HOP 1N
Troubled by recent events, a Parcel Mistress seeks an audience with royalty.
Counsel is sought with the White Queen.
In the face of inevitable conquest, conceding ground can supply the only remaining advantage.
The royal duty has been accepted.
And, years in the future, fulfilled.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
ROSE: Is that all you have to say?
ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection.
ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic.
JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr.
ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point.
ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat?
ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing!
ROSE: Oh. So you can talk.
JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think.
JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the Denizen!
JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap.
ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared...
ROSE: What did you mean?
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate?
JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up!
JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the Seer of Light.
JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing!
JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song!
JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters.
JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible.
JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long.
ROSE: It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won't press you on it for now.
ROSE: You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you.
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.
TT: I spoke with Jaspers.
TT: I didn't understand what he told me.
TT: He said I'll understand once I "wake up".
TT: For some reason this made me think of you.
GG: :)
GG: well what he meant was.....
GG: that you have a dream self
GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep
GG: we all do! all four of us i mean
GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep
GG: because you havent woken up yet!
TT: I think I get it.
TT: I take it your "dream self" is wide awake when you sleep?
TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too?
GG: no only i can do that!
GG: because of my robot
TT: Oh, right.
TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous.
TT: Ok. How do I wake up?
GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious
GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet?
GG: i dunno! its for you to find out
GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue?
TT: What stuff?
GG: the....
GG: er
GG: didnt dave tell you?
TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room?
TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings?
TT: I really hope that's not what you're saying.
GG: he said he was going to tell you
TT: Hold on.
TT: He's not answering.
TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
TT: Can you do it anyway?
GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(
TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?
TT: Wait.
TT: What?
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3
EB: the rocket pack?
GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3
GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS
GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY
EB: oh man, you have a hacker??
EB: i bet he is THE BEST!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4H4
GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S
EB: have i talked to him?
GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU
GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S
GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3
EB: ok here...
EB: dskjhsdk
GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS
GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN >:?
EB: um, no.
EB: they sort of are random.
EB: but it's the right code, i promise!
GC: OH
GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND
GC: PCHOOOOO
EB: hello?
GC: WH4T
EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second?
GC: 1 W4S
GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3
GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO
EB: oh...
EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code...
EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno.
EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry.
EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of...
EB: obvious.
GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT
GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3?????
EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific.
EB: it was because shut up.
EB: shut up is why.
GC: >:D
EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.
TG: ok im in
EB: oh, already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours
EB: how did it go?
EB: with you and jade i guess?
TG: i dont want to talk about it
TG: imagine the worst day of my life
TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech
TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down
TG: what are you doing
EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.
EB: it should be sweet.
TG: i need some advice
TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it
TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again
TG: not sure what to do
EB: hmm...
EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here
TG: and
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion
EB: i don't know, just do what it says!
EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...
EB: i gotta go!
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there
TG: but alright later
PCHOOOOO
NEXT TIME: Ascension, but not for you.
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