Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones
Part 10: Descend
Link back to comic: Page 1903
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.
CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.
CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.
EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you're trolling me harder!
EB: anyway, you weren't making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude.
EB: yet...
CG: OH HELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING.
EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about.
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE.
CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN.
CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT.
EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!!!
CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT.
CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL.
EB: whoa, i am?
CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.
CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS.
EB: wait...
EB: these are baby versions of us?
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS.
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY.
EB: so they are like cloned copies of us?
CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS.
CG: PARADOX CLONES.
EB: huh?
EB: what do you mean they are literally us?
CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED.
CG: IF IT'S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT'S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM.
CG: I DON'T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW.
CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.
EB: what is the riddle anyway?
CG: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT.
CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL.
CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME.
CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE.
EB: a distaction, perhaps?
CG: WHAT?
EB: nevermind.
CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT.
CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE.
CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through?
EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff?
EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you?
CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT.
CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT.
EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange...
CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
EB: well, normally humans hatch...
EB: from like these slimy pods.
EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.
CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.
EB: (hehehehehehehe)
CG: HELL, I'M CONFUSED NOW.
CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR POINTLESS AWFUL LIVES.
EB: hey, i have an idea.
EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes?
EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change!
EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket.
EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree.
CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.
CG: BUT I CAN'T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN.
CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING.
EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)
Several minutes later...
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.
CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING.
CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.
EB: wait!
EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering...
EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff.
EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning?
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.
EB: you told me.
EB: we had this great dare going.
EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative.
EB: and you totally lost, dude!
CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE.
CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?
EB: i am wearing a lab coat!
EB: sort of...
CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS.
CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH.
CG: END OF STORY I GUESS.
EB: so that means...
EB: we are all sort of like superman?
CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS.
CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN.
CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.
CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.
CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.
EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time?
CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE.
CG: ADIOS LOSER.
EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok?
CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;
CG: FINE.
Oh my god, this thing is so goddamn illegal.
Who thought they could let this thing float out here? You're going to find them, and throw them in the slammer.
You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.
Inside the illegal temple, there's a Time Capsule.
Nothing's in it, as you can tell by the fact that the clock hasn't been set.
On a monitor, a strange tableau of alien life plays out.
In the year 1910, an old man goes to investigate an explosion in his backyard.
People would think reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated.
But they weren't.
This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.
Finally we come to the target that this Appearifier is locked onto. Some dog.
This all seems pretty pointless, but someone is coming.
It's a high-ranking agent from your world. He appears to be carrying some notebooks and some juice-stained envelopes.
Dave's beta is discarded, landing in the Time Capsule, which sets itself to release them 413 million years from now.
As it will, when Jade enters this temple.
The MEOW journal, though, will serve a greater purpose.
CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.
CG: ARE YOU HAPPY.
EB: sure, i guess.
EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things...
EB: and how the reckoning takes them back.
EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner.
EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can't we delay it?
CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID.
CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE?
CG: YOU AREN'T DELAYING ANYTHING.
EB: oh... dang!
CG: WELL I MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.
CG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE...
CG: GO TIME.
CG: WHEN IT STARTS.
CG: LIKE IT'S TIME TO HURRY UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND AND KILL THE BOSS, GET IT?
EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly?
CG: JACK NOIR.
EB: who is jack noir?
CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE.
CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE.
EB: so you didn't have him in your game?
CG: NO, WE DID.
CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER.
CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET.
EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble?
CG: NO, GOD.
CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH.
CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES.
CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY?
EB: ummmm...
EB: crash bandicoot?
CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT.
CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT.
CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS.
CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS.
CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT.
CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO.
CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES.
EB: ok, i think i get it.
EB: oh, hey...
EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something.
CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY.
EB: oh!!!!!
EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.
EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.
EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.
CG: FUCK.
EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.
CG: JUST...
CG: AUGH.
[S] Reunite with loving wife and daughter.
END OF ACT 4
Okay, not quite.
GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3
GC: YOUR BLOOD
TG: fuck off
GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3
GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS >:]
TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you
TG: dave told me about you
GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S
GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY
GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS
TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal
TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: 1S TH1S YOU
GC: http://tinyurl.com/PUR3D4V3
TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss
TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H
GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3
TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like
TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like
TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas
TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands
TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things
TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know
TG: this miraculous gift of vision
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: CH3CK 1T OUT
GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT
GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!
GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH1S1SSOOOOD4V3
TG: i could give myself a hernia trying to be as big a douche as that guy
TG: and yet as much as that guys the tooliest dude i could ever hope to meet he and i would still get along famously
TG: cause we can both see
TG: just him and me
TG: havin a see party
GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY?
TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere
TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight
GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS?
TG: yeah thats fine
AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY,
AT: wHERE YOU CAN TYPE, bECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP,
GG: oh! yes it appears so!!!
GG: ive had to stay asleep for a long time because john is supposed to wake up soon
GG: but he just wont wake up!!!!!
GG: im pretty sure im supposed to be the one to wake him but i dont know what to do :(
AT: oH, gOODNESS, tHERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON, aND THERE IS A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT YOU ARE IN,
AT: bUT, wHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS, iS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME ANYWAY,
AT: tHIS IS YOUR LAST DAY,
AT: bEFORE YOU MAKE THE RIFT,
AT: aND THEN i CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, aNYMORE,
AT: iTS SO COMPLICATED, aND, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT i SHOULD BE ACCOMPLISHING,
AT: i THINK,
AT: uSING THESE GADGETS AND THINGS, aND MY TIME LINE ADVANTAGES, tO PLAY PRANKS ON YOU,
GG: but you guys never even played pranks on me, you were always just kinda mean D:
AT: sORRY, }:(
AT: mY FRIEND IS GOING CRAZY, hE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,
AT: hE LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, a LONG TIME AGO ON YOUR TIME LINE,
AT: tO TALK TO HIM, wHEN YOUR ROBOT BLOWS UP,
GG: oh yeah!
GG: i totally forgot about that
GG: does it really blow up or was that another trick?
AT: i DON'T KNOW, i CAN'T SEE IT BLOW UP IN YOUR FUTURE,
GG: hmmmmm
GG: you could ask me in the future!
AT: oK, i WILL ASK,
AT: oK,
AT: yOU SAID, yES, iT DID BLOW UP, aND YOU TALKED TO HIM,
AT: aND, uHHH,
AT: tHEN YOU SAID HE WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE GUY, wHICH i THOUGHT WAS WEIRD,
GG: well maybe hes just been through some tough times
GG: maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt?
GG: for whatever its worth i think youre a pretty nice guy too!
GG: also you seem to be the only one who ever thinks to talk to me while im asleep!
GG: why is that?
AT: oH, i GUESS,
AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP,
AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD,
AT: }:'(
GG: oh no!!!
GG: dream selves can die?
GG: i never knew that
GG: or even thought about it....
GG: i guess it makes sense though
AT: uHH, yEAH,
AT: sO ENJOY YOUR NAP,
AT: wHILE IT LASTS,
AT: bYE,
GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time
GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time
GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose
TT: I'm a little busy.
GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time
GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting
GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That
GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She
TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation.
TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all.
TT: Imagine my disappointment.
GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything
GA: What Are You Talking About
TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox.
TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any -
TT: I'm a little busy.
GA: I Believe I Understand
GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation
GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet
TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn.
TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding.
TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose.
TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned?
TT: I'm busy.
GA: Fine
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T
GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!!!!!
GC: http://tinyurl.com/D4V34NDBRO43V3R
TG: that
TG: ok thats pretty amazing
TG: where is my bro anyway
TG: you can see everything that goes on right
TG: or like smell it or whatever
TG: how does that even work
TG: how do you use a computer and know whats going on it doesnt make sense
TG: my face doesnt make sense
GC: D4V3 YOUR *F4C3* DO3SNT M4K3 ......
GC: D4MM1T
TG: hahaha
GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y
GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY
TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it
GC: 4NYW4Y 1 DONT KNOW WH3R3 YOUR BRO 1S
GC: 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL YOU N3V3R S33 H1M 4G41N B3TW33N NOW 4ND TH3 R1FT
GC: BUT LOOK YOU DONT N33D TO B3 UPS3T 4BOUT NOT H4V1NG YOUR BRO TO L34N ON 4NYMOR3
TG: whos upset
TG: bout time the dude gave me a little space
TG: alright so whats next
GC: F1RST YOU GO THROUGH TH3 G4T3
GC: 4ND WH3N YOU GO THROUGH YOU W1LL GO TO 4NOTHER PL4C3 1N YOUR W1LD CH3RRY L4V4 L4ND
GC: 4ND YOU W1LL QU1CKLY M33T SOM3 FR13NDLY CROCOD1L3S
GC: TH3Y W1LL TRY TO 34T YOU
GC: BUT TH4T 1S JUST TH31R W4Y OF B31NG FR13NDLY!
GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 SC4R3D
TG: why would i be scared
GC: D4V3 PL34S3
GC: YOU 4R3 CRY1NG L1K3 4 L1TTL3 BOY
GC: 1TS 1S H4PP3N1NG R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF MY NOS3
GC: YOUR T34RS T4ST3 D3L1C1OUS
GC: K1ND OF L1K3
GC: L1K3 SOM3TH1NG YOU WOULDNT KNOW 4BOUT
GC: 4 TROLL D3L1C4CY C4LL3D COTTON C4NDY
TG: we have cotton candy dumpass
GC: >8O
[S] Descend.
ANIMATION LOG:
As a huge meteor bears down on Dave's city, he climbs towards his pre-punched object.
He falls before he reaches it...
But he is bailed out by his bro, who bisects the meteor and rescues him from his descent.
Dave enters the Medium. His First Gate awaits.
Rose's mom and John's dad set a course for Skaia,
where Jack Noir is steadily increasing his kill count.
With the power of the Black Queen and the power of the Black King, nothing on the Battlefield can match him.
One of his agents brings him the scepter of the White King. The battle is over.
The Reckoning begins.
From the Veil, meteors start to fly towards Skaia. Its destruction is only a matter of time.
Meanwhile, a Draconian Dignitary combines an encoded genetic sequence with Jade's dog.
Becquerel is created.
He will emerge on our world, millions of years in the past.
Meanwhile, in the present, Jade sleeps.
In her dream, though, she sees something that doesn't belong here.
Something that should never have happened.
Prospit is destroyed.
Jack severs the chain, dropping Prospit's moon to the Battlefield below.
Later, on a distant beat mesa, Jack engages Bro in a relentless duel.
Bro sets unimagined events into motion, then absconTRANSMISSION OVERLAP
SQUIDDLEY DEE
SQUIDDLEY DOO
EVERYONE SING
A SQUIDDLEY SONGTRANSMISSION REESTABLISHED
From his room on Prospit's moon, Dream John falls.
Dream Jade rushes ahead from the falling moon, but time is scarce.
And Dream John won't wake up.
Dream Jade throws Dream John clear of the impending impact...
Characters Jack Has Killed
Black Queen, Black King, Everyone on Prospit, Jade
With the death of her dream self, Jade's dreambot explodes.
Jade falls from her tower.
Dream John awakens.
Skaia opens its defense portals to delay the Reckoning.
Caught by these portals are the meteors bearing the eight paradox clones who will become the children and their guardians.
In the Medium, Rose loses her patience for the game's rules, and destroys her First Gate.
Meanwhile, Dave catches some Unreal Air into his First Gate.
Only one player remains on Earth.
But her game has not yet begun, and the largest meteor of all draws steadily nearer...
END OF ACT 4
NEXT CHAPTER: Sorting all this nonsense out.
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