Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 5: Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory
Link back to comic: Page 2773
Back in the present! On Earth.
Things aren't going too well.
TG: what the fuck was the point of this again
GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS
GC: COULD 1T B3
GC: T34RS??? >:O
TG: im not actually crying
TG: its the fucking onions
TG: these piece of shit crocodiles are lambasting me with them
GC: TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST 3XCUS3 1V3 3V3R H34RD
GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS SOUP
GC: 1T 1S M4K1NG M3 HUNGRY JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T >:O~
TG: the only thing im going to make
TG: is like banana and split
TG: out of this bubbling pail of misery
GC: OH GOG...
GC: YOUR3 R1GHT
GC: YOU 4R3 S1TT1NG 1N 4 HUG3 P41L >:o
TG: why whats the relevance of that
TG: tell me its more alien nonsense it will be so awesome to hear more of that
GC: 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO 3XPL41N 1 WOULD B3 TOO 3MB4RR4SS3D
GC: S33 LOOK D4V3, TH3Y 4LL LOV3 YOU NOW! YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO, 1TS YOU >:]
GC: NOW TH3Y W1LL G1V3 YOU 4LL TH3 S3CR3TS OF TH3 L4ND
TG: they dont have any secrets
TG: look at them theyre morons
GC: YOU H4V3 MUCH TO L34RN 4ND 1 W1LL K33P H3LP1NG YOU L34RN 1T!
GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 4 HUG3 CRYB4BY WHO 1S 34S1LY UPS3T BY CHOPP3D V3G3T4BL3S
TG: anyway
TG: probably bout time i got on with this game
TG: later terezi nice knowing you
GC: H3Y >:o
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3?
GC: YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT OF FORG3TT1NG!
TG: i guess i forgot i was supposed to forget
GC: W3LL TH3N
GC: 1 4M GL4D TH4T YOU FORGOT TO FORG3T >:D
GC: SP34K1NG OF FORG3TT1NG TO NOT FORG3T TH1NGS
GC: 1 FORGOT TO SHOW YOU TH1S
GC: http://tinyurl.com/SPOTONSTR1D3R
TG: whats your obsession with making this goofy bullshit anyway
TG: is it troll irony
GC: 1 H4V3 D3V3LOP3D 4 P4SS1ON FOR COMB1NG YOUR 1NT3RN3T FOR TH3 COOL K1DS
GC: 4ND M4K1NG TH3M COOL3R
GC: BY STR1D3RFY1NG TH3M >:]
GC: D4V3 W3 SHOULD TR4D3 SOM3 DR4W1NGS
TG: sure thats fine
TG: im still gonna go off and do my own thing though
GC: W41T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GC: OK 1 G3T TH4T YOU 4R3 TH1S R4D LON3R 4ND YOU TH1NK YOU H4V3 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT
GC: BUT HOW 4BOUT TH1S
GC: 1F 1 4M M34NT TO H3LP YOU, TH3N YOUR FUTUR3 S3LF OUGHT TO V1S1T YOU R1GHT NOW 4ND G1V3 YOU 4 THUMBS UP, R1GHT?
TG: yeah fine but i doubt that i
TG: oh fuck there i am hiding behind that column
TG: ok so whats the plan
GC: 1SNT 1T OBV1OUS?
GC: NOW TH4T W3 4R3 4 T34M D4V3
GC: 1T 1S T1M3
GC: FOR............
TG: ......
TG: ...........
GC: FOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..............
GC: 4 MOTH3R FUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY!!!!!!! >:O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GC: http://tinyurl.com/OMGD4NC3P4RTY
TG: whoa
TG: its like
TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs
TG: those moves
GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3
GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY
TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything
TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug
TG: truth be told everyone will be tripping when im done
TG: once i upset this biznasty with my swift cuts
TG: rows of glasseyed human fly catchers beholding categorical fucking domination of the dance floor
TG: fred astaires ghost will weep in the arms of his own nimble rotting corpse
TG: and just when the scene thought it was startin to recover from its ridiculous erection over that
TG: thats when i bust out another fierce move
TG: i call it rageclock me in the douche smirk plz
GC: W1LL YOU T34CH M3 TH3S3 MOV3S
GC: YOU T4K3 TH3 L34D
GC: 4ND 1 W1LL FOLLOW
GC: L1K3 TH1S
GC: http://tinyurl.com/T34CHM3YOURMOV3SD4V3
TG: ahahahahahaha
TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here
TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit
GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3
GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH3FLO4R-1SONF1R3
TG: i cant compete with this
TG: but seriously what is the real plan here
GC: W3LL, W3 N33D TO ST4RT M4K1NG YOU SOM3 MON3Y
GC: LOTS 4ND LOTS 4ND LOTS OF 1T!
GC: 4ND TH3N 1 W1LL 4DV1S3 YOU L4T3R 4FT3R OBS3RV1NG TH3 GR4ND SCH3M3 OF 4LL TH1NGS 4ND 4LL D4V3S
GC: 1 W1LL L34V3 YOU 4LON3 FOR 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TO W4ND3R 4ND 3XPLOR3
GC: BUT 1 W1LL B3 B4CK!
TG: awesome
TG: peace out t-z
TG: oh shit
GC: >:?
EB: hey vriska!
AG: John! What the hell. There are so many things wrong with what you just said.
AG: First of all, who told you you could just hassle me without warning like this? That's not how this works!
AG: Secondly, I am very pissed off that you figured out my name.
EB: well, i didn't know it was your name for sure until you just told me now.
AG: Dammit!
AG: Who told you?
AG: I will find out who told you. And then I will m8ke them p8y.
EB: anyway, i was just wondering if you had a chance to watch that awesome video i linked you to?
EB: the one about the renegade hero who busted loose from the slammer to save the day.
AG: John, the way you descri8e movies makes them sound extremely stupid. Why would I want to watch this crap????????
EB: just do it, you won't be sorry.
EB: i mean, when you are not so busy and have less irons in the fire or whatever.
EB: ok, i am starting this game now and saving jade, like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose.
EB: oh, damn...
AG: ::::?
EB: fuck.
John is suddenly preoccupied with something. Might as well kill some time by...
[S] Watching a street tough maverick with nothing to lose.
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
CG: I NEED YOU TO JOIN THIS MEMO SO WE CAN DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
CG: CLICK THE AWESOME BANNER I MADE.
EB: uh...
EB: ok.
CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.
TG: i thought you were asleep
CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT.
CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES.
CG: NOW YOU, ME, AND EGBERT NEED TO HAVE A CHAT.
CG: HERE I MADE A COOL BANNER USING SOME OF YOUR SHITTY EARTH CLIP ART.
TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness
CG: IT'LL WORK, WON'T IT?
TG: obviously
?CG at ?:?? opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: oh, hi dave!
CEB: what is going on in here?
CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like
?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, I HATE YOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC.
?CG: NOW THAT THE PLEASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.
?CG: TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND
?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE:
?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH.
CTG: nah
CEB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? really??
CTG: no
CTG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop
CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend?
CTG: pretty sure she is
CTG: or he thinks she is or something
CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago
?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!]
?CG: OUR ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE JOKE THAT PASSES FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT.
?CG: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT! THAT'S JUST ABSURD.
CEB: what is so different about your romance?
CEB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have?
CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us
CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez.
?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS.
?CG: JOHN, DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E'S YOU JUST TYPED THERE.
?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I'M FUCKING SERIOUS.
CEB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want!
?CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
?CG: YOU JACKASSES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO.
CTG: sounds like a loudmouth inferiority thing going on here to me
CTG: like you dont want to acknowledge that your troll ladies find a couple of human dudes irresistible
?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD.
?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS.
CEB: wait...
CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me?
CEB: like, romantically?
CEB: i'm not sure what to think about this.
CEB: dave, what do you think i should do?
CTG: do you like her
CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits
CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something
CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies
CEB: um, wow, i don't know.
CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think.
CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do...
?CG: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE?????
CTG: doesnt concern you dude
?CG: YOU WOULD THINK WARNING YOU GUYS THAT FRATERNIZING WITH THESE FEMALES IS PUTTING YOUR LIVES IN DANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH.
?CG: REALLY, DANGER YOU SAY? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! WHY THANK YOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU TO ALERT US TO OUR FOOLISHNESS.
CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here
CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you
CTG: or maybe it was a guy who rejected you
?CG: FUCK OFF.
CTG: haha wow bingo
CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances
?CG: JOHN DON'T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKER, HE'S THE WORST GUY AT GIVING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN.
?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND...
?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES
?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT
CEB: uh...
?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL
?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES
CTG: what
CTG: the fuck
CTG: are you talking about
?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT THIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY HERE.
?CG: WE'RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW.
?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE.
?CG: AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE
?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.
CEB: er...
CEB: do...
CEB: you think that vriska is going to try to make out with me?
?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS!
?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM???
CEB: rose and jade?
CEB: so, uh...
CEB: you want us to like, date them?
CEB: we are kinda all related! sort of. through shared ghost slime genes. right?
CEB: so, uh...
?CG: OH RIGHT, THE BIZARRE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT.
CTG: oh my fucking god
CTG: please let this conversation not be taking place
?CG: OK WELL LET'S SAY THAT'S HYPOTHETICALLY A PROBLEM, EVEN THOUGH I'M RACKING MY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD BE.
?CG: I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THAT STUPID.
?CG: HERE
?CG: http://tinyurl.com/MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS
CTG: thx for the shipping grid bro imma drop everything and go have a baby with jade right now
CEB: wow, i have to marry rose?
CEB: uh...
CEB: wow.
?CG: AND NOW THAT I HAVE SAVED YOUR ENTIRE WORTHLESS SPECIES WITH MY IMPECCABLE ROMANCE BROKERING SKILLS
?CG: I WILL BID YOU A BITTER FUCKING FAREWELL.
?CG: JEGUS I AM SO TIRED.
CTG: you should go back to sleep
CTG: it was so much cooler when you were asleep and i basically never had to listen to you ever
?CG: I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
?CG: MEMO OVER.
?CG: GET OUTTA HERE.
?CG banned CTG from responding to memo.
?CG banned CEB from responding to memo.
?CG closed memo.
NEXT CHAPTER: Interactivity!
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