Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 11: The Tumor
Link back to comic: Page 3014
The White Queen has given you the role of Queen in her stead.
You have no idea how to rule. All you want to do is deliver mail.
The queen says that all wise rulers surround themselves with capable advisors.
The new queen's first act is a promotion for the old one.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: welcome to the medium finally i guess
TG: i just saw you
TG: you appeared for a second
TG: shooting at an imp
TG: then you disappeared
GG: hey!!!!!
GG: yes, i did get around during that battle didnt i?
GG: it was really intense!!!
GG: those stupid things are impossible to kill :(
TG: youll get better dont worry
TG: i remember seeing you twice before in different locations
TG: just wanted to see if you were cool
GG: yeah im fine, thanks for asking!
GG: what do you mean you remember seeing me?
GG: was i jumping through time or something?
TG: no i was
TG: this is future me
TG: one of the future mes that is
GG: john told me you have been doing some time traveling
GG: that is.....
GG: really really awesome!
TG: hey its pretty fucking cold
TG: so im gonna go some place warm be back in a while later
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
GG: wait!
GG: uuugh stupid lousy cool dudes
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: ok im back
TG: an hour later
TG: i ran around for an hour got my ass some place warm
TG: went back in time
TG: picked up where we left off
GG: i can not believe how cool that is
TG: i guess im sorta used to it by now i dont think of hours going by the same way anymore
TG: they are my hours but not everyone elses theyre kind of like private hours all to myself
GG: i dont know if i get that but ok!
TG: my thing is time yours is space
TG: pretty different things
TG: you GET things about space i dont
TG: or you will
GG: ok........
GG: im so horribly unprepared for this.... i have never even seen snow before, can you believe that!!!
TG: pretty believable since you lived on guam or wherever the fuck
TG: and also inside an active volcano
TG: well ive never seen it either now that i think about it
TG: lavas better
GG: lava is NOT better than snow :|
GG: you cant play in lava, its no fun
TG: when i look around all i see is the miles of unharnessed snowmen im just too damn cool to build
GG: i am hearing an insane and stupid guy say stupid idiot things while wearing dumb sunglasses for lame morons!
TG: whoa jade with the fucking haymaker
TG: i need to go look for my teeth on the canvas as soon as shit stops spinning and there stops being like ten of you
GG: heheheh
GG: why dont we play in the snow later
GG: as soon as you get some....................................
TG: time
GG: ..............................
TG: time
GG: ...................
TG: time then shades
TG: time/shades lets go
GG: .......
GG: ....
GG: ...
TG: oh my fucking god
GG: ..
GG: .
GG: time 8)
TG: i thought you were going inside
GG: i forgot :\
TG: well at least make some damn clothes
GG: i cant!!!
GG: all that stuff blew up
GG: its a long story that involves a pinata and a gun and a very naughty doggie
TG: i completely understand everything about that practically entirely
GG: so anyway, that reminds me ive got to talk to john!
TG: no dont bother john
TG: hes on like his fuckin
TG: wind mission or whatever
TG: getting all his ridiculous magic cyclone powers on and realizing his huge blowy destiny
TG: as the chump of shoosh
GG: whoa....
GG: you guys are all so much better than me, i feel sooooo lame
TG: we all start out somewhere
TG: remember how i was scrambling up that tower to get that egg like an idiot
TG: i was all like IM A LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD BITCH WATCH ME CLIMB
TG: so maybe youre startin out with more sense than me
TG: in any case egbert lost his computer and game disc
TG: but youre not completely screwed
TG: i need you to deploy something first
TG: in my apartment
TG: in a few hours ill go back there and we can continue this
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: im back at my place now
GG: fastest hours :o
TG: yeah
TG: now
TG: deploy the intellibeam laserstation
The Intellibeam Laserstation can digitally read captcha codes! This is usually extra dumb because not only are they totally legible, but the whole point of captcha codes is to keep computers from being able to read them.
This advantage this has, though, is that it can scan the codes even out of cards with no visible captcha code...
...like the Sburb Beta server disc.
Dave is now Jade's second server player.
Now armed with a deployed and upgraded alchemiter, Jade is good to go.
Back in the past! Dave's past, at least. I think Jade's past, too.
You wake up from your nap.
Give those iShades back!
You decide he can keep the SORD..... though.
TG: hey
TG: what just happened
TT: You fell asleep.
TT: Orange Bird Dave killed some monsters and flew away.
TT: Jade fired a bullet at an imp and vanished.
TT: And you woke up.
TT: How was the nap?
TG: weird
TG: and kind of boring
TG: i was in your dream room for a while spying on you
TG: whats with your book collection
TG: all your books are bizarre and terrible
TT: No, my books are great.
TT: Did you do anything on the moon besides rifle through my belongings?
TT: Such as remove your shades and turn your gaze Ringward, by any chance?
TG: yeah
TG: it was like
TG: peering through the dark portal of an eldritch red lobster
TG: and scoping out its all you can eat seafood buffet
TG: and
TG: when i saw them
TG: their voices became clearer
TT: What were they saying?
TG: i couldnt really focus on anything specific
TG: but
TG: im pretty sure it was
TG: a plea for help
TT: That's good.
TT: It means they're reaching out to you.
TG: oh god why would i want that
TG: im not about to get molested by calamari with fucking teeth
TG: tell them to keep their lecherous flagella to themselves
TT: You're going to have to help them.
TT: Even if you don't like them.
TT: They're being massacred.
TG: who cares if theyre getting killed
TG: theyre hideous and obnoxious
TT: You're underestimating the nature of the threat.
TT: At this point, the threat isn't to our session, or any given universe.
TT: It's to the perpetuation of reality itself.
TT: You wouldn't be saving them, per se.
TT: You'd be saving everything.
TG: oh ok cool
TT: They've revealed some of their secrets to me already, and given me a few errands to run.
TT: This is why you might have observed some unusual behavior from me.
TG: oh shit youre kidding
TG: no really are you serious i didnt even notice
TG: fuck mind = blown
TT: You've deliberately fogged your vision your entire life with ironic eyewear while awake, and while asleep, though perfectly alert, you've chosen to ignore your surroundings.
TT: But now that you've seen them, you have a choice to make.
TT: We are like the emissaries to what lies beyond this small bubble in their unfathomable dark foam.
TT: Derse skirts its edge, and during the lunar eclipse, we graze it, and that's when their intent for us becomes clear.
TT: They will teach you how to navigate the unnavigable.
TT: The result should be a map.
TT: To plot a course through the Furthest Ring.
TG: plot a course to what
TT: The power source of the first guardians.
TG: oh right the green sun ok
TG: wait sorry
TG: i mean the
my bad
TG: whats the deal with this thing
TT: It is what it sounds like.
TT: A huge sun out in the literal middle of nowhere, and it is bright green.
TG: how big
TG: i need a sense of scale here
TG: is it like the size of our sun
TG: or bigger
TT: It is nearly twice the mass of our universe.
TG: ok thats pretty fucking big
TG: see how important that contextualization was now i know how fucking impressed i should be
TG: i mean hopy shit thats huge
TG: why do we need a map
TG: cant they just
TG: tell us what direction its in
TT: No.
TT: The geometry of the Furthest Ring is too complex.
TT: In fact, it's not really accurate to call it spacetime at all.
TT: Since it is outside the domain of any created universe, where those properties have become instantiated and stabilized.
TG: fair enough
TG: then what
TT: That depends on if John is successful.
TG: is there anything you do thats not sending dudes on quests
TG: so hes got to get the cancer out of skaia right
TT: Yes, The Tumor.
TG: so whats The Tumor do
TG: i mean the tumor
TG: jesus can we stop with the fancy colored text bullshit
TT: I guess so.
TT: Can you promise you won't tell him?
TT: It would probably make him more nervous than he needs to be if he knew.
TG: ok i wont say anything
TG: just tell me
TT: It's a bomb.
TT: It is set to detonate precisely when the reckoning ends.
TG: seriously whered you get all this info
TG: did you get it all from the gods
TT: Not exactly.
TT: I've obtained some answers from them, but ultimately, this idea is mine.
TT: Plus, I have other sources.
TT: One in particular has been quite illuminating.
TT: It's a man who exists in another universe.
TT: He wants to die.
TG: sounds like a really credible dude sign me up for trusting everything he says
TT: He says he doesn't lie.
TT: For some reason, I believe him about that.
TG: whys he want to die
TT: He no longer has a purpose now that he's done everything required to summon his master.
TT: As a first guardian, he's completely indestructible.
TT: His power is derived from the same source as Earth's guardian.
TT: And conveniently, that of our nemesis as well.
TT: When John delivers the tumor, TT: I and I alone will navigate the Furthest Ring.
TT: And I will destroy the sun.
TT: By which I do mean the
.
TT: And in case it wasn't clear,
TT: I won't be coming back.
TG: whoa fuck
TG: a suicide mission are you serious
TG: no bullshit thats not happening
TT: Let's not be so dramatic.
TT: I was talking about my dream self.
TG: oh
TG: haha yeah thats fine i guess
TG: those fuckers are all kinds of mad expendable
TG: so when do i do my thing
TG: make this map
TT: If there's one thing you have more than any of us, it's time.
TT: So, whenever you like.
TT: As long as conventionally speaking, it's quite soon.
TT: And if you have trouble going to sleep, maybe you can ask your patron troll to trick the telepathic one into putting you to sleep again.
TG: what
TT: Each of us seems to have a troll infatuated with helping us. Haven't you noticed?
TG: oh yeah terezi
TG: no shes cool
TT: Isn't that camaraderie blossoming into some sort of interspecies whatever?
TG: its blossoming into an interspecies partnership in incredibly shitty cartooning
TG: what do you mean get her to trick someone into putting me asleep again
TT: That would be John's patron troll.
TG: fuckin trolls
TG: too many of them who can even keep track of this shit
TG: which ones yours
TT: She's contacting me now actually.
TG: well im suddenly not interested so go talk to your fairy god troll
TG: ill be over here paving the way for your elaborate dream suicide
TG: when i feel like getting around to it i mean
TG: later
TT: Thanks.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GA: Since The Gap Between Your Present Moment And The Implementation Of Your Mystifying Self Destruction Continues To Narrow
GA: This Will Be The Last Conversation In Which I Attempt To Talk You Out Of It Nicely
TT: The intent isn't true self sacrifice.
GA: First Of All Youre Underestimating The Gravity Of A Dream Death
GA: I Think Youre Being Frivolous But Thats Not Really The Sentiment Reinforcing The Exoskeleton Of My Argument
GA: Soon You Will Be Blacked Out Of Trollians Viewport
GA: And I Have No Explanation For This
GA: And Neither Do You
GA: So Ill Just Assume The Worst And You Should Too
TT: Are you sure it's not because I'm sleeping?
GA: Ive Seen You Sleep Before
GA: Peaceful And Harmless And Posing No Threat To Anyone
GA: Im Saying This Is A Special Case
GA: It Is Foreboding And Disconcerting And You Are Being Reckless
TT: You're right, I can't explain why I go dark on your monitor.
TT: But I'm confident in my plan. I have it under control.
GA: Your Hubris Is Really Astonishing
GA: Easily Twice The Mass Of A Universe I Think
TT: Maybe it did?
TT: Maybe that's what went wrong.
TT: We figured it out!
GA: No Please Stop
GA: Humor Wont Deflect My Really Big And Important Tirade Okay
GA: You Are Investing Too Much Confidence In Evil Gods Who Oppose Skaia And Your True Purpose And
GA: I Think Your Plan Is Very Dangerous
GA: And So Are You
GA: Im Afraid I Am Going To Have To Devote All My Efforts To Stopping You
TT: I'm sorry to hear that, Kanaya.
TT: What did you have in mind for this new and exciting adversarial phase of our relationship?
GA: Im So Glad You Asked
GA: You See
GA: I Have Been Training A Powerful Wizard
TT: !
GA: Yes Your Shout Pole Is Like A Tower Broadcasting Your Fear Across The Ring And You Are Right To Be Afraid
GA: I Have Commissioned None Other Than The Legendary Prince Of Hope And I Am Teaching Him The Ways Of White Sorcery
GA: I Have Observed Your Methods And You Will Come To The Most Unwelcome Realization That All Of Your Guile And Cunning Has Finally Backfired
TT: Is it too late to throw myself at your mercy?
GA: Yes Its Much Too Late For That
TT: Then clearly I will have to prepare for this soul sundering duel, whilst making my own funeral arrangements.
TT: What will herald the arrival of this swift and righteous thaumaturge?
TT: Will I be blinded by the fearsome lashes of light ribboning from the incandescent coastline of his beauteous aura?
TT: Should I borrow my friend's sunglasses?
GA: Yes Definitely
GA: Definitely Do That
GA: Maybe At This Point I Should Clarify This Is All A Big Joke
TT: I was getting that.
TT: You don't always have to tip your hand, Kanaya. You were doing well.
GA: I Think What I Find Most Challenging About Human Insincerity Based Humor Is The Degree Of Commitment To The Fantasy Which Is Apparently Requisite
GA: The Gesture Of Hostility In This Case Was The Joke
GA: I Did In Fact "Train" This Character
GA: I Made Him A Wand To Shut Him Up
TT: Wait, you did? Really?
TT: That's incredible. Well done.
GA: Hes The One With The Royalty Complex And Speaks With All The Extra Vees And Doubleyous
TT: Oh, I knew exactly who you were talking about from the start.
TT: Do keep me apprised of all further developments.
TT: At least until my looming grimdarkdeath steals me away.
GA: Yeah That
GA: Is Still Something That I Dont Really Want To Joke About
NEXT CHAPTER: Jade's fairy god troll!
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