LJ Idol Week #21a - "Sabotage"

[prog_schlock]

This is my first of two entries for week 21 of therealljidol. Possible trigger warning for talk of suicide and depression.

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GremlinAbout ten years ago, I was promoted out of my teaching job (which I loved) into an administrative job. My pay went up dramatically. My hours became more flexible. My ability to make changes that benefit my peers increased

Comments

[sunnycrittenden]

All the <3. There's more where that came from. I have a public Spotify playlist called "Radio Sunshine" that 4 people have told me has helped them get through rough days.

[prog_schlock]

Oh holy cats. I'll add Spotify and look for that. Thank you thank you!

[bleodswean]

Rap as an antidote to depression? I like that. I listen to a ton of Run DMC, NWA, and Eminem. (I still want to punch all of the Beasties in the throat for what they did to good West Coast Punk in the late 80's but that's veering off-topic.) People always ask me why I love such depressing music - Cave, Joy Division, Swans, darkgrass....etal. And it's because there is no shying away. For me, it's an immersion therapy.

It's gratifying to hear that therapy is helping you, that you have a great support network, and a great job. You sure seem like a superb person.

[prog_schlock]

I love this song so much - one of my favorite Run DMC songs. I wasn't so much into them in the early 80's, but I got into old school stuff in the early 00's and fell in love with everything they did. They were such a positive, intelligent group and we as a society are lucky to have their art in it.

Yeah, having a lot of support helps. I've found that being "out of the closet" about it has helped too. I figure if hearing about somebody else's experience helped me, I'm only helping people by being open about it. I think we stigmatize mental issues to everyone's detriment. If you have diabetes, you see a doctor and there's no moral judgement involved by society. If you have depression, some people think you have failed in some sort of moral way. Its important, I think, for everyone to recognize that its ok to acknowledge that you're struggling with a mental health issue and are working on making it better,

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[halfshellvenus]

I'm so glad that, courtesy of that description on that discussion board, you had an "Aha!" moment and realized that you were depressed, and sought help for it.

Chronic depression is one of the hardest situations for the sufferer to recognize, because it goes on almost all the time and while it gets a little better or worse at times, it's always there. It's the baseline for that person's experience. How are they supposed to know that most other people's baseline is different?

I nearly lost a friend years ago when I suggested to him that he might be chronically depressed, and that the reason that things seemed to be so much harder for him to cope with and recover from was that they were. He'd been seeing a counselor for years who couldn't prescribe medication, and worked solely with mood-management. So, when my friend continued to be depressed and have bad spots, he then got the added benefit of being made to feel like that was his fault because he wasn't trying hard enoughMy friend stopped speaking to me, which I knew was a risk.

[prog_schlock]

Oh, man, I totally understand your friend. Its hard to be asked to confront something going on inside of you if you're not ready to accept it. I don't think I would have lashed out at somebody who suggested this a few years back, but I would have downplayed it because even though I spent time feeling depressed, I figured it was just the way everyone lived. The brain doesn't want to hear it has issues sometimes.

I am trying to get back to teaching all the time. Unfortunately, I'm a good administrator.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[whipchick]

Oddly enough, I was driving yesterday, thinking, "huh, I wonder if anyone else thinks constantly about running the car off every bridge or into a retaining wall?"

Allie Brosch is amazing. So's Jenny Lawson (Bloggess) if you get a chance.

Solidarity! No sleep til Brooklyn!!

[prog_schlock]

I've never read Jenny Lawson, but I'll google her right now.

Yeah, I love Allie Brosch. Her as a little girl in her God of Cake story might be my spirit animal. I feel like she was speaking directly to me in that story.

Man, you know, sometimes the only thing that snaps me out of car stupidity is pedestrians, especially pedestrians walking dogs for some reason. I'm like "Oh, don't want to risk hurting the dog/leaving the dog without its human" and stop. The brain is a shitty little thing sometimes.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[murielle]

You have been one of the most positive and generous of idol-ers. I had no idea you'd been through all this. I'm so glad you were able to discover you were suffering from depression and get the help you need. I believe the world would be diminished if you weren't here, I know that therealljidol certainly would, and my time here would have been greatly diminished.

Thank you for not listening to those thoughts and impulses.

[prog_schlock]

For all my thoughts of suicide, my therapist doesn't think I'm a major risk for actual suicide (there's behaviors that I don't do and I don't own anything that would allow me to make an instant snap decision that would end my life before I could rethink it). However, she also has told me to commit to checking myself in to the hospital if I ever do start planning. I'm ok with that. My brain wants me to die but I don't want to die. Basically, you're stuck with me. :D

Thank you for reading and commenting.

[murielle]

"Basically, you're stuck with me. :D"

YES! :-D