fic: Hem (4/4)
-2-
After the whole paparazzi fiasco, Kame bans him from coming over for a while. Although Jin misses being able to visit, he doesn’t argue but accepts the situation as a temporary safety measure. Kame gets uneasy about hanging out in public with just the two of them as well, and although he doesn’t rule it out completely, he does drastically cut back on their frequency and tries to focus on hanging out with groups. Jin doesn’t argue about that either.
The distance the safety measures put between them sucks, though. Jin feels the closeness painfully withering away. He makes sure to give Kame at least one proper call per day, just to counteract the otherwise reduced proximity. Thankfully, Kame seems to appreciate the gesture and quite often even ends up being the first one to call.
Jin’s favourite days soon become the ones when Kame pays him a visit and stays overnight. Just having him there is reassuring, and enjoying a little bit of domesticity makes Jin dream of a comfortable future waiting somewhere beyond the horizon. He’s alright with things the way they are right now, even if he doesn’t fully enjoy himself. He’s determined to wait out the painful period and then embrace the happiness that’s bound to shine after the storm.
He’s feeling pretty itchy, though. He checks his bank balance and feels a little intimidated by the amount of money he’s managed to save up since winter. Just a year back, he would’ve blown off his savings to see some new place - you only live once, after all. Now, though, things are not the same. He can hear Kame washing the dishes in his kitchen, and his mere existence anchors Jin firmly in place.
It doesn’t stop him from fantasising, though. Kame is busy, yes, but it’s not like he’d never get a break himself. Jin’s got a whole bunch of leaflets shoved into his drawer, and although he adds new potential travel destinations on a weekly basis, he’s still having a hard time deciding where exactly he wants to take him first.
Automatically, he starts randomly browsing Google and Wikipedia for places he should see before the reaper comes to collect his sorry ass to whatever lies in the afterlife. He spends over 10 minutes just clicking away and scrolling in a trance, taking everything in. He comes across pictures of rose-coloured stone buildings in Petra, Jordan, and ridiculously silly looking baobab trees in Madagascar. He chuckles to himself and lightly bites his knuckles as he keeps browsing, losing himself on the internet.
“Chile?” Kame’s voice asks behind him and makes him jump. When he looks back, he sees Kame standing behind him, his eyes taking in the pictures on the computer screen. It’s awful - Jin doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong per se, yet he feels guilty nonetheless. Kame leans down and wraps his arms around Jin’s shoulders. “Have you been there before?”
“No,” Jin answers. “It’s just something that sparked my interest.”
“You should go,” Kame hums and takes the mouse from Jin, scrolling down the website. “It looks really cool.”
“Yeah, at some point,” Jin agrees and turns his head to kiss Kame’s cheek. “Just not right now.”
Kame keeps scrolling the web page and avoids looking at Jin’s face. “You wanna go to Easter Island?” he chatters. “Or Machu Picchu, it looks really cool, doesn’t it?”
Jin hums in agreement. “Do you want to go?” he asks Kame, because Kame is his boyfriend and he seems quite interested. Kame shakes his head and smiles a bit.
“I don’t think that’d be a good idea right now,” he tells Jin calmly. “It could be good if you went, though. Take a little break, you know. You’d get to travel, the paparazzi would maybe get bored of trying to sneak up on me so much, we’d both get a little breather. You’ve been saving plenty of money, you could afford a little trip. I told you I’m fine with you going off.”
“I don’t want to go right now,” Jin says decisively and closes the browser. He stands up and turns to Kame who stares back at him calmly. It’s creepy. “I think it’s better for us to not go off running around right now.”
“You always say that,” Kame points out. “But that’s not you, is it?”
Jin groans. “What do you mean? Of course that’s me. It’s my decision.” He closes his laptop. Kame looks like he’s fighting really hard to accept something Jin doesn’t even see.
“I feel like you’re caging yourself for me,” he admits. “Staying situated like this, it’s not what you really want to do. You’re making yourself.”
“Because I want to,” Jin argues, starting to feel a bit angry. “Don’t make it into a problem, Kame. You’re overthinking it.”
“There’s nothing bad about facing things,” Kame insists. “It’s not that you particularly want to constantly stay here, you just think that you need to be here for me. What am I even giving you for trying so hard?” he asks and laughs hollowly. “I make you feel awful, don’t I?”
“Of course you don’t,” Jin says loudly. “I’m not saying that this is perfect, because it isn’t, we both know that. But I still like it. I like this, I like us,” he insists. “So don’t you fucking dare say that I’m unhappy.”
“I’m not saying that,” Kame barks back. “What I’m saying is that you’re putting more into this than I can. I mope around and you just stay, you don’t go and see the places you want to, you deal with me hiding this because I’m ashamed of you, I haven’t even slept with you lately and I think we both know that you’re holding back-”
“So what!?” Jin roars. “It isn’t permanent! Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do!?”
“Tell me that you’re frustrated!” Kame yells back. “Tell me that I need to get my shit together, that this relationship doesn’t work!”
“Because at the moment you’re stressed?!”
“BECAUSE YOU CAN DO BETTER!” Kame rages. He’s panting and he looks scared. “Be honest with yourself,” he tells with a softer voice which makes it sound like he’s already given up. “This isn’t just here and now. We got over the high and this is reality.”
“You say it like it’s set in stone,” Jin snorts. “It’s not that black and white.”
Kame shrugs, but he doesn’t look even slightly convinced. “You made it sound so easy,” he tells Jin and smiles a bit. “All I had to do was ask you to stay. You made it so simple, like it was only about us. Truthfully, it’s not quite like that, is it?”
“You thought about it,” Jin reminds Kame. “You knew it, but you still told me to stay. I chose you over all the trips I could be making, and you chose me over your fears.”
It gets Kame silent. He’s thinking about it, recalling that night under the cherry blossom trees, and Jin hopes to God that he’s right and not delusional.
“It’s not just about fear, though,” Kame tells Jin. “It’s turning into a choice between you and everything else I have, and really, it shouldn’t be this hard to choose.”
Kame wants it all, and Jin wants him to have it all. Maybe that’s what tears at them so painfully - they’re both selfish and it doesn’t always work in their favour. Jin wants the world and Kame wants the success. Whereas Kame is starting to come to terms with his final options, Jin refuses to stop postponing his own choice.
“Who says we can’t have it all?” he asks Kame and clenches his fingers around Kame’s biceps. Kame looks up at him, and then he trembles. Jin’s throat feels tight and painful. “People manage these things all the time and they come out victorious.”
“They aren’t gay, or if they are, they aren’t in Japan,” Kame sighs wearily and curls his fingers into Jin’s shirt. “…They aren’t stuck in Japan with a neurotic boyfriend when they could be in Machu Picchu.”
“Oh shut up,” Jin groans and pulls Kame’s lips into a kiss. “You clearly don’t see how much I love you.”
“I do,” Kame sighs hotly against his face and gives Jin a more urgent kiss. When he withdraws, he gasps “I just don’t think that it’s ideal for you.”
“Well, that’s not only for you to decide.”
Jin shoves Kame backwards until he bumps against the wall. His breath hitches as he lifts Kame up. As if by instinct, Kame’s legs wrap themselves around Jin’s hips and he sinks his fingers in Jin’s hair. Jin kisses his neck and hastily crushes their hips together, trying his best to set things in motion.
Maybe if they’d just stop building all these dams, they could relax and flow better. Their relationship feels self-destructive, and he isn’t quite sure how to counter all the negativity in the air. Kame moans and throws his head back, but his body is tense and the motion is an overkill that lacks authenticity. Jin grasps a hold of Kame’s wrists and presses them against the wall, trying to snap Kame out of it and maybe awaken the sexual desire Kame’s low mood has locked away.
Kame clings to him, and it’s hot and frustrating, but Jin doesn’t think the desire goes both ways. Eventually he curses and helps Kame’s feet back to the ground. “Jin,” Kame tries, but Jin takes a step back and fists his hands in an attempt to contain his arousal.
“Don’t fake it for me,” he tells Kame with a thick voice. “It’s okay to say no.”
“You fucking…” Kame steps forward to grab Jin’s fist and pulls him roughly closer. Jin tries to pull himself away but Kame’s grip holds him there. “How can I suddenly just do it if you aren’t doing it right?”
Jin’s ego falters a little. “What?” he asks, feeling a bit defensive. Kame pulls him closer to the wall and wraps his arms around Jin, making his heart jolt dangerously. Kame tilts his head and presses a soft kiss on Jin’s lips.
“You’re too aggressive,” Kame murmurs and leans back against the wall, pulling Jin forward from the belt loops of his jeans. “It’s hard to desire you if you’re angry.”
“I’m not,” Jin tries to insist, but he isn’t exactly sure about it. Kame presses a wet kiss on his clavicle which makes him push forward and gasp. Then Kame’s hands slide to his back and cup his butt.
“Don’t force it,” Kame tells him and buries his face in Jin’s shoulder. “It’s like you’re trying to make it fail. It’s not exactly encouraging.”
Jin gulps, and yes, maybe he can see Kame’s point. He rubs Kame’s arms gently and snuggles against the man’s nape. He can smell his perfume, the almond fragrance. It makes his mouth water a little. Kame’s fingers softly squeeze his butt and Jin’s hips thrust forward a little.
“Lift your head,” he tells Kame who does as he’s told and faces Jin again, so close that Jin can feel his breath on his face. Jin kisses him, over and over, and then it builds up and gets less awkward. Kame unzips his jeans and Jin shakes them off, feeling breathless and hot. When Kame’s legs are bared as well, the man raises his leg, brushing it against Jin’s. Kame’s hand guides Jin’s to his thigh for support, and then there are warm legs around Jin’s hips and he drowns, feeling a healthier and less bitter desire rushing down between his legs.
For some time, everything is alright. They cling to each other, sated yet affectionate, and Jin makes them both tea that they can drink while they cuddle on the couch half-naked and hormonal like hell. The TV is on, blasting some kind of chef competition show that Kame can appreciate for the food and Jin for the drama.
“I love you,” Kame tells him after they finish laughing at a stupid joke in English from the internet that Jin felt like cracking (“What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I’m stuffed!”). Jin feels a desperate yet somehow content anxiety spreading in his chest.
“I know,” he answers Kame softly and kisses his shoulder. “Thank you.”
-3-
They never verbally agree to stick together - what should maybe have been goodbyes turn into promises to be right back and eye contact to glue the other firmly in place. Jin’s solitary trip to Iceland turns into a shared adventure where he’s accompanied by Kame’s silly laughter and typical Japanese tourist styled photographs where Kame ends up stealing the attention from the gorgeous country itself. The photograph of the geyser for instance - on the background the boiling, steaming water rushes upwards out of the frame and Kame pulls on his beanie with both hands, looking up with his face screaming awe and body exhilarating fear. “Those things can boil your skin off you!” Kame insists when Jin teases him about it and he’s right about that so Jin can’t argue.
They take a bus to spend one day in Blue Lagoon because Kame really wants to go. Jin isn’t too into the idea - no one sane wants to strip their winter gear off to slip into water in the middle of winter, but there are things he’s prepared to do to keep his companion happy. Surprisingly enough, it isn’t even all that bad. Kame tells him about the water temperature (“it’s around 40°c all year round”) and spreads mud on his face, amusing Jin beyond belief. Jin’s ears get cold pretty fast, but the water is steaming and admittedly relaxing, and Kame’s health freak is showing which is quite relieving, considering the way he used to live back in Japan.
It doesn’t take Jin long to decide that the nature in Iceland is impressive even by his standards, and that he should definitely come back sometime when it’s warmer and greener. Kame seems to be enjoying himself as well, even when Jin pulls him for a break from his nature wonders and they hang out in a cosy town near Reykjavik. It all feels so natural that there are times when Jin forgets that they haven’t seen each other in years and they aren’t lovers by any means, not at present, no matter how much he wants to pull Kame into a gentle kiss.
Five days in their trip, they see the magical Aurora Borealis behind their hotel windows. They spend a lot of time snapping countless of photographs of the colourful waves up in the sky and freaking out in excitement together before the long day finally smothers their brains and forces them into their beds. Jin’s muscles ache faintly from all the walking - he might be in a relatively good shape, but he’s definitely starting to get a bit old. He’s not a young adventurer anymore - truth be told, he’s heading towards his forties, and apart from travelling, he doesn’t really know what he’s done with his life at all.
It is soothingly yet frustratingly quiet. Jin keeps looking at Kame’s silhouette - the outline of his back turned towards him. If he’d reach out with his hand, he’d never even grace his target with his fingertips.
Kame hasn’t told him when he’s leaving, and it makes Jin fear that every moment might just be the last.
Kame turns around, but Jin can’t see his face properly in the dark. He doesn’t stop looking, though. He’s sleepy and his eyelids are drooping, but it’s fine. He’s comfortable like this. It’s alright to stay awake for a tiny bit longer.
“Are you awake?” Kame asks with a quiet murmur. Jin blinks a few times. Yeah, he is. He licks his lips.
“Yeah.”
Kame hums quietly, acknowledging his answer before falling silent again. Jin wishes that he could see his eyes. Read his mind. Stop the time, perhaps. At this moment right here, he feels anchored. It’s not even an uncomfortable tie.
He curls his toes, feeling his consciousness slipping. Moments aren’t made to last, after all.
“Jin,” Kame calls out for him again, sounding a little frail. Jin forces his eyelids open again, feeling a bit disoriented.
“Yeah?”
Kame falls silent again. Jin can hear his bedcovers rustling - maybe he’s curling up. He had used to do that when something had been bothering him. It had been his little attempt to shield himself against the stress of the whole wide world that had always kept coming after him.
He lets out a deep sigh, feeling his eyelids drooping. It’s warm here, although it’s freezing cold outside.
Kame gulps. “Can I come over?” he asks with a hoarse voice. Jin’s adrenaline gland decides that it’s time to wake him up. His hands start sweating. What for?
“…Yeah,” he finally says, and it sounds a little shrill to his ears. Kame doesn’t get up immediately. Jin’s breathing hitches. Maybe Kame will take it back. And what if he doesn’t? What then?
It’s such a small bed for two people.
Kame stands up, his duvet childishly wrapped around him. It drags across the floor when he walks over to Jin, slow and hesitant, his bare feet nearly inaudible. Jin peers up at him breathlessly and almost wishes that he would turn around and go back. Almost, but not quite.
Kame sits down on his mattress. He isn’t looking at Jin again. Jin can make out his features a little better now that he’s closer. He doesn’t want to utter a word.
Instead, he wraps his arms around Kame’s belly and pulls him a little closer. He curls up, his nose pressing into the cotton of Kame’s pyjama bottoms peeking from under the silly duvet. He sees it from the corner of his eyes when Kame turns his head down to look at him, lonely and broken.
“I missed you,” Jin ends up murmuring before he can stop himself. “Every day.”
Kame’s next inhale is shaky. His presence assaults Jin’s senses. He feels overwhelmed and crushed by everything he’s taking in and processing. It’s making his body shudder weakly.
Kame’s fingers brush his hair off his face. His touch is soft and it lingers in the strands of his hair thoughtfully. Jin squeezes him a little tighter. His world is quaking but Kame’s presence is firm and steady.
Kame gently pushes him up towards the end of the bed again and there he is, spread out under the silhouette of the man he loves. Kame climbs on top of Jin but leaves Jin’s duvet between them. Jin’s breathing hitches at the heavy weight and some of his blood rushes down instinctively.
A faint whiff of almonds floods Jin’s nose. Ah.
There’s a heavy weight against his neck as Kame snuggles closer to him. Jin can’t see his face but his body is rigid. First it just feels awkward, like some strange creature climbing up him. Then, after a few nervous breaths, he wraps his arms around Kame’s toned shoulders and holds on, eyelids sliding shut like drawn curtains.
It gets a bit hot. Kame keeps shuffling on him. First Jin thinks that he’s just uncomfortable - then he realizes that maybe Kame’s just grasping for him desperately. His breaths are labored and he keeps curling up against him, hips pressing closer and then withdrawing again. Jin’s breathing hitches a bit. Heat spreads through his body and his hands shakily slide down Kame’s back. It can’t be wrong.
A teary whimper right beside his ear makes him shudder. Kame’s hand weakly curls around Jin’s hair, brushing his temple on the way. Jin’s heart is beating loud and clear as he removes his hands to get rid of the thick blanket between them. One will be just fine.
Kame has an erection and Jin isn’t exactly the softest he’s ever been. He hushes quietly at Kame’s shuddering and wraps his arms and legs around him, drowning in the closeness wave after wave. Kame’s lips are damp against his neck, brushing but not daring to kiss. Holding back must be driving him insane.
“Kame,” he sighs, happy, anxious and aroused in all the good and bad ways. Kame’s other hand finds its way to Jin’s hair too, grasping, stroking and tugging. His breaths are labored against Jin’s ear, turning him on and on and on. Jin’s hands snake under the man’s t-shirt, feeling him up, finding the memorable, miniscule nipples and then brushing around the chest, navel and back. There’s more hair than he remembers, and maybe a bit more fat and less muscle. Kame’s changed, but he’s still soft and alluring.
When Kame finally raises himself up a little, his head is lowered and face shielded by his hair. Jin glances at his parted lips. Kame looks so uncertain it hurts, but Jin isn’t really sure about this either. Maybe if they were on a same page he could just ease into it, let it lull him into sleep, but with so much going on and no guarantee, no explanations…
Kame sighs and turns his face away a little when Jin runs his hands up his back. When he gets closer to the shoulders, he dares to run his nails across the smooth skin. Kame’s hips buck a little instinctively.
Jin pulls him lower until their noses are touching. He can finally see Kame’s eyes. They’re clouded. It looks like he’s battling with himself.
“It’s alright,” Jin murmurs softly and gives Kame a tired smile. He doesn’t know what’s alright, but he feels like Kame needs him to say it.
Kame blinks rapidly a few times. His eyes look slightly glossy in the dark and he gasps brokenly. Jin pulls Kame’s shirt off, cups his face and kisses him. Then he kisses him again. It’s sweet and shaky, but it’s alright. Kame kisses him back urgently and it’s all slippery, quick and wet with varying depth.
Jin rolls his body somewhat to the side and guides Kame down beside him. One tear runs down Kame’s cheek. His hands never leave Jin’s hair.
“I can’t just pack up my things and wander around the world with you. That isn’t me,” he tells Jin quietly. “I have a good life now.”
It hurts. Jin draws in a shaky breath and breaks the eye contact. Maybe that’s why Kame had never called. Even now there are things Jin just can’t offer him.
Kame’s right hand slides down to cup Jin’s cheek. “Jin,” he calls out for him, forcing him to face him again. “...Maybe sometimes. Vacations. Affordable weekend trips.”
It’s so hard to breathe when he’s so confused. “I don’t know what you mean,” he complains with a thick voice. “Is that a yes or a no? What is it? I don’t know what you want.”
Kame grimaces, his eyes shifting around. Jin’s eyes, lips, hair, shoulders, eyes again. Jin’s fingers tighten around the man’s hip. “You, maybe,” Kame tells him and then he’s looking down again at Jin’s neck, shoulders, anything but his eyes. “As much as you can give me.”
The past years flash before Jin’s eyes. Turkish bazaars, New Year’s raisins in Portugal, Oktoberfest in Germany, people walking on the streets in their pajamas and slippers in the outskirts of Morocco. Then there’s Kame again, waiting quietly for his response. His lips are swollen and tiny lashes glued together by moistness.
“You make me sound so bad,” he scoffs. “I can take breaks and visit if you give me somewhere to come to.”
Kame chokes back a cry and tugs Jin towards him roughly from his hair. Jin lets his eyes slide closed to contain his overwhelming emotions. Kame’s laughing with a relieved voice and his hold reminds Jin of steel.
He hasn’t been the only one walking around with a broken heart, he assumes and melts into Kame.
-1-
After getting his heart broken, Japan becomes lonelier. It’s a bit strange how Tokyo can be so full of people, no one quite the same, yet he feels like he’s looking at it all through a thick veil. He quits thinking about women and men completely and lazes around with his friends. To his surprise, he even starts jogging with his family’s dogs. It feels like a premonition for leaving.
The air is getting warmer as spring begins to bloom. When Jin wakes up on a Sunday morning, he takes care of his laundry and groceries before meeting his brother Reio and his long-term girlfriend Yuri at an Italian restaurant for dinner. In the evening, he joins Yamapi for drinks.
Kame hasn’t called for a week, and even the few rare calls before have been dialled by Jin. Yamapi buys him plenty of whiskey and tells him that it’s time to stop forcing it. He makes Jin go through good deals for plane tickets to different destinations that he’s printed from a variety of websites. It’s quite touching that Yamapi’s gone to this extent to cheer him up and get him back in shape, even if it means him going off again. Yamapi’s used to it by now.
Surprisingly, he’s not particularly drunk when they leave the bar. They’ve both got work the next day - Yamapi has his typical nine to five schedule to keep up and Jin’s got a morning shift at the shop starting from seven. They part ways at the metro station, departing with different rides.
Jin gets off the metro a few stops early and decides to have a walk. It’s not even midnight yet and the weather is lovely - no rain to soak, and the wind is soft rather than assaulting. There are still a good amount of people out at this hour - co-workers drinking and having late dinner together, teenagers slouching around and such. Jin doesn’t mind. Here in this somewhat chilly night air, he feels completely alone.
He thinks about maybe going to Peru or Chile, somewhere warm and different. Yamapi might be right - he doesn’t honestly feel like he’s achieving much by staying here. He’s starting to get tired and sluggish, uninspired by the same old things day after day. He had come here to try out love, and although he had run headfirst into it, things hadn’t worked out like he would’ve wanted them to. It might be time to step into another adventure.
The street is lined with cherry trees. Jin chuckles to himself darkly - is it a sign for him, some higher power urging him to go? He stops under one of the trees and looks up in a tired haze.
It’s been awhile since he’s enjoyed the cherry blossom season in Japan. The soft pink petals look tenderer than he can recall. It’s a welcome sight, even if it makes him more aware of his own loneliness.
He’s being such a girl. Not that a bit of femininity would be an entirely negative thing per se. It’s just that it hurts.
He follows a petal that falls off the tree in the wind and flies away. There’s a tiny tea shop still open at the ungodly hour. Jin’s eyes fixate on the stylish man who steps out with a carton mug in his hands. He gulps, even though his mouth feels dry and the motion hurts. Kame.
The man starts walking on the street, but his eyes gently study the blossoming trees. Then he spots Jin standing under one of the trees and he freezes. They stare at each other, both of them feeling a little bit shocked. Time stands still. Suddenly Jin hears the sound of the people still awake much clearer.
Jin wonders if Kame will just walk away. He probably wants to, he’s been avoiding Jin after all. Jin looks down at his feet and starts slowly walking again, giving him the opportunity, even if it makes his chest feel like it’s being ripped internally.
Hurried steps follow him until Kame catches up. “Evening,” he pants, and Jin wonders why he didn’t just go. He looks up at Kame, not sure if he should be happy or annoyed. Judging by the look in Kame’s eyes, he’s not the only one who doesn’t really know how to act.
“Evening,” Jin echoes. And then, unable to hold himself back, “Don’t you have better things to do?”
Kame looks a little hurt. “Not right now,” he says. “Unless that was a discreet way to say ‘fuck off’.”
Jin wonders if it was. Probably yes, but just because he’s acting prissy and self-centred again. His actions feel justified, though - Kame’s the one who’s only thought of himself for a long time now. It’s about time he got a taste of his own medicine.
“I’ve been busy,” Kame tries to explain. “I got back from a work trip yesterday and I spent today in the studio. It’s been a bit hectic.”
Jin’s face morphs into an unhappy smile. “You don’t have to explain, you know. I’d just preferred it if you would’ve been more straightforward with me.”
Kame looks guilty, and Jin knows he’s hit the spot. It doesn’t mean that Kame would’ve been lying - he probably has been busy, Jin can understand that. Though there’s just no way that he would’ve been so busy that he wouldn’t have reached out on his own for weeks now. There would’ve been time for at least one text but no. That was Kame’s choice, not his overbearing schedule.
“I know,” Kame says quietly, and he sounds genuinely regretful. Jin feels his muscles slowly relaxing. It’s not like a detox - the negative feelings inside him don’t all fade into thin air. Instead, they crawl under a thick blanket and go for sleep to be dealt with at another time.
They walk in silence, slow steps carrying them ahead, and Kame stays.
A lonely petal slowly falls on Kame’s shoulder and stays there. Kame doesn’t seem to notice it, but Jin does. When Kame looks up at the blooming branches up and around them, Jin’s chin is tilted down to study it at close proximity against Kame’s bright red design jacket.
Kame takes a long sip of his lemon flavoured green tea. Jin finds it strange how physically Kame can be right next to him, almost brushing, yet in some odd sense of reality he’s unreachable, situated somewhere far, far away.
Then Kame turns his head to look at him with a tired smile. His make-up is starting to wear off after the long day so that Jin can catch the darkness under his eyes. Jin picks up the cherry petal, making Kame’s eyebrows jump up nervously. He brings it in front of his face, holding it between his fingers, and inspects it carefully.
“Silky,” he comments and grins at Kame a bit. “Ahh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen these.”
“You’re planning to leave soon, aren’t you?” Kame suddenly drops the bomb. It strikes him a bit speechless, the way Kame just knows. Jin hasn’t told him about his plans.
He shrugs. “Probably,” he admits. “This isn’t really working out for me. This whole... This.” Kame knows what he means. Finding someone, forming bonds. He’s too caught up on Kame to even bother really trying. He’s already come to terms with the rejection. There aren’t any good reasons to stick around. Maybe some space would do him some good.
Kame licks his lip and looks down at his feet. Jin feels sorry for him, but it’s not like he can help Kame. They’ve talked about this already. There’s nothing more Jin can do for him, even if Kame might actually like him and miss him when he leaves.
He still doesn’t know whether Kame had just wanted sex or if there had been something more to that night. He has his suspicions, but no way to prove them if Kame doesn’t let him.
When Kame raises his head again, it’s turned away from Jin and he has a tense and somewhat angry look on his face. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know,” Jin admits. “Still looking.”
“Hmm,” Kame hums and turns to look at him again with a sharp gaze. “Will you be back?”
“I have family here, you know,” Jin snorts. “Yeah. I don’t know when, but I’ll be back. We can meet up if you want. I don’t mind.”
“Don’t mind…” Kame laughs with a hollow voice and squeezes his tea cup so hard that it loses its shape and spills on his hands. Kame lets out a sharp breath and switches the cup to his other hand and dries his hand in his jeans. “Shit.”
“What do you want me to say?” Jin snarls at him because really, it’s not fair. “I don’t know what you want, okay? I can’t just read your mind.”
“I know that,” Kame snaps at him. Then he seems to realise how angry he’s been and he calms himself down, fixes his posture and drops the rest of his tea in the nearby bin. “It’s not you, it’s me, right?”
Jin crushes the petal in his fist. This isn’t fair. It just isn’t.
“Sorry,” Kame sighs, looking a bit beaten. “It’s… I’ve had a long day,” he tries to excuse himself. Jin nods. “I’ve just enjoyed having you around, that’s all. I know I’ve been an ass and I regret that, I really do. I just wanted to say that.”
“I’d stay for you, you know,” Jin tells him. Since they seem to be coming clean now, he might as well spit his own bitter thoughts out. It’s only fair. “I would. But if I can’t make you… If you just want to continue this, then I can’t. I have better things to do.”
Kame’s fuming. At first it’s all directed at Jin - a blazing stare that tries to break him into insignificant particles. When it turns to self-pity, Jin feels the heat coming off.
“Just ask me,” he tells Kame. “No one’s listening to us. It’s fine. No one around us cares, okay? It’s up to you. You’ve just got to decide, goddammit. It’s been up to you for a while now already.”
“You’re delusional.”
“Then this is settled, isn’t it?” Jin barks back at him. “Then we don’t have to argue over this.”
Kame licks his lips and throws his head back, looking at the cherry blossoms again. Jin opens his fist and lets the petal that had sat on Kame’s shoulder fall to the pavement.
“Stay,” Kame sighs quietly. He looks beaten and tired like he would’ve given up a long battle against an opponent way beyond his league.
“Huh?” Jin stares at him stupidly. Then he starts feeling a bit angry again. “If you’re being half-assed…”
“Jin, we’re in public,” Kame reminds him and turns to look at him with those sharp eyes of his again. There’s warmth behind his gaze, though, something sweet and honeyed. “…Stay.”
And maybe it really is that simple. Jin feels like a sizzling, hissing, hot and bright firework would’ve been set off somewhere inside his skin. Another cherry blossom petal falls on Kame without him noticing, this time right on top of his head.
“I will then,” he promises and sweeps Kame off his feet for good.
-2-
They don’t see much of each other for weeks. Kame gets paranoid about paparazzi and he has to go for another work trip. Jin watches the live footage from the TV at his parents’ house with a big bowl of Ben & Jerry’s and notes that Kame’s dyed his hair auburn without mentioning it to him. The colour brightens his look up a little, but seeing the pit developing between them makes Jin feel utterly miserable and lonely.
Instead of spending all of his time moping though, he decides to get some things done. He finishes writing one of the songs he’s been working on for months and tests it out at an open mic bar with his guitar, accompanied by a few friends. He gets a thick bunch of photographs developed and buys a new album for them, and since he’s out already, he stops by at a travelling agency and picks up a couple of leaflets for future reference.
Living at his parents’ place for some time has its pros and cons. Pros are mainly the food - his mother is a hell of a cook. The cons also happen to include his mother. He spends an entire afternoon helping her out with a new winter launch for her dog clothing line. They struggle to put the clothes on the overly excited animals and try to keep them still enough for a photograph that she could include on her website, which Reio had helped her set up. Once they’re done, he’s covered in the dogs’ saliva and feels a little bruised. The dogs spend two days following him around the house, almost tripping him, still expecting him to carry around treats they could frequently get for any simple commands such as “make way”.
Kame finally calls him one evening when he’s working on his photo album. “Hi,” he greets him giddily and puts him on the speaker with a smile on his face. He smears glue on the backside of a photograph where Kame is standing in front of his bathroom mirror with wet hair and only a towel around his hips. He’s applying perfume, and his face glistens from his moisturiser, and although his vanity is quite hilarious, Jin finds the photograph lovely.
“Hi.”
“Are you back?” Jin asks him excitedly, feeling really clingy after all the weeks of painful missing. He understands that it makes him a bit pathetic, but Kame had never really minded that, being a bit emotional and indulgent himself. He picks up another photo from the pile, one where Kame is grinning to the camera lazily from his bathtub. It makes Jin feel a little hot.
“Yeah,” Kame croaks, and he sounds a bit out of it for some reason. “Yeah, I’m back. Got back this morning.”
“Did you have fun?” Jin chatters and hopes that the trip didn’t wear Kame out too badly. Sometimes talking helps though, and Jin wants to be the person Kame can call when he needs a simple way to ease some of his anxiety away. “Your team won. Must’ve been awesome, seeing that from good seats and all.”
“Yeah, it was,” Kame agrees absently. “Jin, I need to talk to you.”
Jin doesn’t think there are six other words he’d be less delighted to hear.
“What’s up?” he asks worriedly and glues the photograph next to the previous one. His chest feels tight, and he doesn’t really know what to do. Suddenly he’s straining himself to pick up what’s going on with Kame, if this is bad or good or what. He really doesn’t know.
“Come over?” Kame asks him, and he sounds really out of his game. “I’d like you to take your passport with you, okay? And some bags.”
“I need to pack?” Jin asks confusedly.
“No, just take some bags,” Kame groans. “And your passport. I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” Jin asks, and he feels really numb and scared. “Kame? Are we going somewhere?”
“…Just come over,” Kame says quietly, and then he hangs up. Jin stares at his phone stupidly for a moment before shooting up and trying to redial Kame whilst he pulls out two of his hand luggage bags, passport and wallet.
Cruelly enough, Kame decides to be a jerk and not answer him. Before rushing out of the room, Jin slams the photo album shut and shoves it on his shelf with the rest. When he’s making his way through the corridor, the family dogs keep jumping against his legs and his mother comes out of the living room with a cup of tea in her hands.
“Where are you going?” she asks confusedly. Jin pulls his jacket and shoes on.
“Kame called.”
“And you need all of that to go and see him?”
Jin shrugs. “I guess. Look, mum, I’ll see you later.” He pulls the front door open and then he turns around. “Can I borrow your car?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll go and get the keys,” she says and walks off somewhere. Jin waits, agitated, and tries to call Kame again. There’s no way the man wouldn’t notice his calls, and it doesn’t seem to predict anything good.
“Don’t wreck the car,” his mother warns him when she hands over the keys. Jin promises not to and his mother helps him with the bags. When he drives off the curb, he has to turn the radio on just to let the music steady himself and help his mind focus. He doubts he’s in the right mind-set for driving.
Luckily for him, he doesn’t royally screw up on the road and get himself into an accident. He manages to keep his head reasonably cool and drive over to Kame’s place in record time. He looks up at the tall building which he hasn’t gotten to see in weeks. He never stops on his tracks, though. He takes his bags, locks the doors and starts heading inside, worried about Kame.
When the front door to Kame’s apartment opens, Jin has to fight himself not to lunge at Kame and crush him. He pushes in, closes the door and leaves his bags at the entrance. Kame backs away a bit, giving him space. His arms are crossed, and he looks alarmingly apologetic.
“What’s up?” Jin asks him, feeling a little breathless. “You sure know how to make someone freak out over the phone.”
Kame looks a little speechless - it’s like he’d know what he has to say, but wouldn’t be capable of getting the sounds out. He forces himself to let his arms fall to his sides. Jin walks over to him and kisses his forehead.
Kame draws in a pained breath and closes his eyes.
“Did you bring your passport?” he asks Jin. Jin nods as an answer. “Can I have it?”
Jin hands it over warily. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asks, not particularly fond of Kame’s withdrawn behaviour. “Did you snap? I need to know. Where are we going?”
“You have a friend in Spain, right?” Kame asks him and strolls to his kitchen where he takes a seat in front of his laptop. Jin walks over to him, getting more and more agitated. “Someone for support.”
“Yeah. In Barcelona,” he tells Kame. “I have people here and there, really. Are we running from something?”
“No,” Kame says with a strained voice. Then he finally just stops and looks at Jin. Jin studies his gaze, unable or maybe just unwilling to put the pieces together. It’s slowly starting to dawn at him and he’s trying to keep it at bay, but with things moving this fast, he doesn’t think he can run for much longer.
“Then what?” he asks numbly.
“…You should go alone,” Kame tells him softly, and he looks so damn sorry that Jin’s stomach sinks. Jin shakes his head.
“No. Why?” he demands to know. “Give me my passport.”
Kame doesn’t. He squeezes the little booklet with white knuckles. “It’s for your own good,” he says calmly. “I’ve been thinking about things, I really have. I think it’s time we came to terms with it.”
“You’re breaking up with me,” Jin says with a shaky voice. “You’re just going to ship me off like unwanted goods.”
“Do you want to stay?” Kame asks him sharply. “If I break up with you, you’ve got no other reasons to stay here any longer. I’m trying to help you, because I don’t think you should be alone.”
“I’d have a perfectly good reason to stay,” Jin argues angrily. “I’d stay to convince you that what you’re doing is really stupid!”
“No, me sacrificing everything that I have for you like this is ridiculous,” Kame tells him determinately, raising his voice. He feels a bit guilty after blurting it out so straightforwardly. “I care about you, it’s not that,” he tells with a softer voice that’s probably meant to calm Jin down, but it only hurts him more. “It’s just that having you requires too much from me. I can’t make that sacrifice. I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me happy, Jin. I’d end up miserable, and I doubt that’d make you happy either.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Jin laughs hollowly. “It doesn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Kame says, and he really looks like he means it. “It’s not easy for me either.”
“Which is why you’re planning to ship me off almost to the other side of the world,” Jin accuses Kame bitterly. “You aren’t doing it for me.”
“I’m doing it for both of us,” Kame argues. “I don’t think it’d do you any good to stay here and see me on television either. There are quite cheap tickets to Spain right now, it’s not really travelling season. Look-”
“NO!” Jin rages and slams Kame’s laptop shut furiously, not giving him the chance to show him how wonderfully affordable tickets he’s found for Jin. “I am NOT going,” he spits, feeling really shaky and scared. “Do what you want, but I am not boarding that plane! This is a fucking stupid idea, Kame!”
“Jin,” Kame tries but Jin shakes his head, refusing to listen.
“You are not the only person in this relationship! You’re just trying to get the easy way out and it pisses me off! You aren’t even giving me a chance to work on this, to see if we can make this work-”
“Jin, we already tried,” Kame reminds him anxiously. “Trust me, I’ve thought about it. I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking about it, but there is no solution. This is the only solution.”
“Sure, you’ve thought about it,” Jin laughs in a demeaning way and kicks a chair over, just because he feels so fucking enraged. “Like you’d actually give a shit about anyone but yourself!”
“I LOVE YOU,” Kame roars back at Jin and stands up, refusing to be intimidated by Jin. His eyes get instantly glossy and his lips quiver in a way that makes Jin shut up. “I’m not doing this because it’s easy,” Kame continues with a trembling voice. “I’m doing this because I have to.”
A comeback doesn’t come to Jin. Instead, he feels his will crushing. For a moment, he feels unanchored. He stares at Kame with wide, pained eyes and grits his teeth together.
“I’m not going,” he tells Kame again. He tears his gaze away hesitantly and looks around the room. There are plastic bags filled with his belongings lined up against the wall. He doesn’t know how to cope, so he does the only defence he can when it comes to unpleasant situations.
“I am not going,” he repeats shakily and turns around on his heels and heads to the living room. He crushes on the couch, determined not to move anywhere before Kame changes his mind. He turns the TV on, partially to spite Kame and partially to give himself something to focus on in order to block out the awful feeling spreading in his chest.
Kame doesn’t follow him. Jin tries his hardest to focus on the television, but it’s impossible. He keeps switching channels, just to do something with his hands, but all he can do is focus on the sounds Kame is making in the kitchen. Typing, printing, getting his bags from the entrance and starting to pack them. He hugs a pillow against his chest and feels his life crumbling away. Not knowing what is going to happen to him eats him away. Not knowing what he wants to happen to him is even worse.
The sound of some girl band’s performance on Music Station doesn’t drown out the sound of Kame’s footsteps making their way into the living room. Jin doesn’t turn his head. His stomach is churning and he really doesn’t want to deal with this.
Kame stops next to him and slowly sets a plain envelope on Jin’s stomach. Jin refuses to move, his eyes glued to the screen. Kame kneels down next to the couch and glances at the TV as well. They stare at it in silence for a while, and then Kame tries to take Jin’s hand into his, but Jin pulls it away.
“Don’t,” he grumbles and has to blink back a few tears.
Kame gets the hint and he doesn’t.
“You’ll be fine,” Kame eventually tells him softly. “You know that, right?”
“I don’t feel like it right now.”
“You will,” Kame hums, and then he’s crying again, and Jin fucking hates that because Kame’s the one who broke up with him. He keeps his eyes glued to the totally uninteresting TV screen, but after a while he can’t help but drape his arm around Kame’s shoulders comfortingly and pull him a bit closer. It only makes the man sob harder.
“I fucking hate you for this,” Jin tells Kame, and his own voice is cracking and it sounds so utterly pathetic that he can’t stand hearing himself. Kame’s got his face buried in his hands and his shoulders are quivering, and no matter how much it hurts, Jin can’t not care about him.
He sighs and drops the envelope to the floor. “Come here,” he tells Kame and tugs him up. It takes him a moment, but eventually they both lie on the couch, Kame curled up in a quivering mess on top of Jin. Jin wraps his arms around Kame’s shoulders and feels moisture in his own lashes.
”You’re supposed to be happier,” he reminds Kame while he soothingly strokes his back. “That’s why you’re doing this.”
“I will be,” Kame swears. “Just not right now.”
It’s reasonable enough. Jin thinks of all the months they spent together, all the happy moments, and then he reminds himself that it hasn’t been all sunshine. He might’ve been fine with this, fine with all the problems and shit that’s been raining upon them, but Kame is not. Kame’s the one who’s got something to lose, and staying, Jin realises, is selfish and not in the favour of Kame’s well-being at all.
“You will be,” he whispers Kame and finally forfeits. Something inside him breaks and shatters into painful, prickling pieces. Kame doesn’t stop crying. “I promise.”
-3-
Even without the fluttering pink cherry blossom petals, Jin thinks that this place has its own personal charm during springtime. There are still tiny, dirty piles of melting snow here and there and the asphalt is wet with brown puddles and slush. In the tiny patches between the snow, through dead grass from the summer before, small yellow coltsfoot flowers are pushing out.
His feet get wet - there’s a hole somewhere at the bottom of his boot that lets water seep through. His socks cling to his skin and he grimaces and throws his duffel bag better over his shoulder.
The wooden houses come in many colours. They rise up, simple, clean and new. There’s a woman sitting on a terrace, reading a newspaper and having a cup of coffee while her two sons play on a little sandbox on the yard. One of the boys is rubbing sand in the other one’s hair. Jin’s mouth twists into a small smile and it takes him a moment to tear his gaze away.
He takes a turn to the right. A car drives past him - some old, red Toyota that could probably use a wash. His gaze shifts to a deep red house with a tiny terrace and leafless bushes lining up the way to the front door.
He walks up the short stairs with brisk steps and rings the doorbell. Then he waits.
There’s a bird singing somewhere, maybe moving back from the south. Jin turns his head, trying to find the source of the sound but failing.
The door opens and Jin’s head snaps to face forward again. Ah.
He hoists the sunny man in front of him up and kisses him, welcoming the familiar warmth that spreads through him and turns him into the owner of a berserk rabbit’s heart. Kame chuckles, his voice mellow yet vibrant in the tiny terrace, and Jin brushes his fingers through the thick locks of hair that frame his face.
“Jag är hemma,” Jin breathes into the man’s ear and presses their foreheads together. Kame tilts his head to lock their lips together.
“Välkommen, min kära.”
epilogue
Jin leisurely studies Kame’s travel guide to Åland in a seaside café in Mariehamn. It’s a warm day but the wind blowing from the ocean keeps him chilled, maybe a bit more than comfortably so. Kame sits opposite him, quietly enjoying his breakfast croissant and foamy cappuccino. He looks a bit bothered, probably by his ruffled up hair.
“Are we too old for motorcycling?” Jin asks Kame curiously and looks up from the book. Kame tilts his head, thinking about it.
“Probably. We could be in our prime age for sailing, though,” he suggests, studying the page. “If you’re fit enough, that is.”
“Hey, I’m older than you, I can’t help it if my muscle mass is receding a little,” Jin groans. Kame smiles at him with a softly amused expression.
“Eat your grilled cheese sandwich before it gets cold, won’t you?” he suggests sweetly, and Jin knows that it’s an insult that Kame thinks is smart and funny. He puts the booklet away and continues eating his greasy breakfast anyway, confident that Kame isn’t actually bothered by his weight.
The atmospheric seaside makes Jin feel nicely fluttery. He can hear ships blasting sound signals near the port, and there’s a lovely little boat harbour nearby that makes him wish he could afford one. The seagulls are loud among the clouds and pigeons are bloody everywhere on ground, hunting for whatever scraps of food people have left behind or feed to them. There’s a happy buzz of the public, which is madly amazing considering the size of the place. One of his favourite things, though, is having Kame with him for once. His boyfriend had managed to get a week off from his job as a radio channel announcer and had insisted on taking Jin somewhere for a brief vacation.
“You’re happy,” Kame notes when Jin’s sipping his coffee and sneakily tossing a few crumbs to a nearby pigeon. He looks up at Kame, feeling a little confused.
“Yeah,” he agrees, because Kame’s point on. “It’s a really relaxing place.”
“Hmm, it is,” Kame hums thoughtfully and nods, and for some reason his posture seems a little stiff. Jin is just about to ask him if something’s wrong when Kame makes eye contact with him and leans forward, looking pretty serious.
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you,” Kame admits, and he looks a bit nervous but not really in a bad way so Jin doesn’t know what to make of it. “I’m not really sure how to go about it, but I want you to not feel pressured, okay?”
“Okay?” Jin answers warily, starting to feel a bit fidgety in his seat. “You aren’t unhappy with me, are you?”
“No,” Kame denies quickly and then he’s smiling a bit again, and that’s much better, because if this would be about something bad he would definitely not have that look on his face. “Let me finish, won’t you?”
“Your monologues freak me out,” Jin admits. “I’ll try to zip it.”
Kame sighs and Jin’s pretty sure he’s annoyed him a little bit, but Kame lets it slip nonetheless. “What I wanted to say is that it’s not a requirement for me or anything,” he continues. “I never really thought about it much, to be honest, but lately I’ve been thinking that it might actually be nice, so I thought I’d give it a go and I hope that it won’t bother you.”
Jin hopes that Kame will one day grow to be a little less cryptic. It’s funny how neither of them have ever really been intellectually superior, but Kame makes him feel like a complete dumbass all the time.
Then Kame stands up and Jin gets really confused, because he can’t have finished his monologue yet. He furrows his brow and squints up at Kame, wishing that he’d be wearing his sunglasses because bloody hell, it’s kind of bright.
When Kame walks over to him, Jin’s brains start tickling a little. He kind of wants to scream for a timeout, because wait a second, no way. Then Kame kneels before him and a few people in the café catch sight of what he’s doing and ogle at them in a pretty disturbing way.
Jin wants to cry out a surprised “no way” that keeps looping itself loudly in his brains, but he has a feeling that it could get too easily misunderstood so he bites his tongue and stares at Kame with wide eyes. When Kame pulls out a velvet black box from his pocket, Jin regrets not realising the option before, because really, this would be so much less embarrassing if their roles would be reversed.
Someone whistles somewhere and Jin sees from the corner of his eye people pointing at them. He blushes scarlet before Kame even gets the question out. The man is wonkily grinning at him, clearly amused by Jin’s panicky discomfort.
“Akanishi Jin,” Kame breathes out and opens the box. Jin glances at the ring by instinct and makes a quick evaluation on Kame’s taste. The ring is simple, nice and practical - a graceful mixture of platinum and gold. “Will you marry me?”
A few teenage boys are making disgusted faces a couple of tables behind Kame’s back. Jin knows what his answer is, even if it’d be just to spite them, which it surprisingly isn’t.
They’ve never discussed this. Jin doubts it’s ever even remotely come up in a conversation, yet he understands Kame’s reasoning behind it. It isn’t necessary for them, nor is it a major spectacle per se. Jin doubts that it’s going to change their relationship at all. It’s about them, yet it isn’t. It’s about being comfortable in their own skin and leaving no rocks unturned now that they’ve come this far.
“Okay,” he mumbles, still sitting on his seat awkwardly. He turns to face Kame properly. His companion laughs and looks really embarrassed. Jin kicks his feet gently. “God, we’re too old for this, Kame.”
Kame removes the ring from the box and slips it in Jin’s finger. Quite a few tables are whistling and applauding. Kame stands up and leans down enough to give Jin a kiss to seal the deal. Jin doesn’t think he’s ever been this red in his life, and he’s done a lot of embarrassing shit throughout the years. Getting engaged in his fifties should not top the long list.
“Thank you,” Kame tells him with a soft voice. Jin thinks he’s the only one who can understand the true weight of his words and just how grateful Kame really is for him.
“Don’t mention it,” he hums and concludes that their patient love has always been meant to blossom.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Ficlets
After the whole paparazzi fiasco, Kame bans him from coming over for a while. Although Jin misses being able to visit, he doesn’t argue but accepts the situation as a temporary safety measure. Kame gets uneasy about hanging out in public with just the two of them as well, and although he doesn’t rule it out completely, he does drastically cut back on their frequency and tries to focus on hanging out with groups. Jin doesn’t argue about that either.
The distance the safety measures put between them sucks, though. Jin feels the closeness painfully withering away. He makes sure to give Kame at least one proper call per day, just to counteract the otherwise reduced proximity. Thankfully, Kame seems to appreciate the gesture and quite often even ends up being the first one to call.
Jin’s favourite days soon become the ones when Kame pays him a visit and stays overnight. Just having him there is reassuring, and enjoying a little bit of domesticity makes Jin dream of a comfortable future waiting somewhere beyond the horizon. He’s alright with things the way they are right now, even if he doesn’t fully enjoy himself. He’s determined to wait out the painful period and then embrace the happiness that’s bound to shine after the storm.
He’s feeling pretty itchy, though. He checks his bank balance and feels a little intimidated by the amount of money he’s managed to save up since winter. Just a year back, he would’ve blown off his savings to see some new place - you only live once, after all. Now, though, things are not the same. He can hear Kame washing the dishes in his kitchen, and his mere existence anchors Jin firmly in place.
It doesn’t stop him from fantasising, though. Kame is busy, yes, but it’s not like he’d never get a break himself. Jin’s got a whole bunch of leaflets shoved into his drawer, and although he adds new potential travel destinations on a weekly basis, he’s still having a hard time deciding where exactly he wants to take him first.
Automatically, he starts randomly browsing Google and Wikipedia for places he should see before the reaper comes to collect his sorry ass to whatever lies in the afterlife. He spends over 10 minutes just clicking away and scrolling in a trance, taking everything in. He comes across pictures of rose-coloured stone buildings in Petra, Jordan, and ridiculously silly looking baobab trees in Madagascar. He chuckles to himself and lightly bites his knuckles as he keeps browsing, losing himself on the internet.
“Chile?” Kame’s voice asks behind him and makes him jump. When he looks back, he sees Kame standing behind him, his eyes taking in the pictures on the computer screen. It’s awful - Jin doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong per se, yet he feels guilty nonetheless. Kame leans down and wraps his arms around Jin’s shoulders. “Have you been there before?”
“No,” Jin answers. “It’s just something that sparked my interest.”
“You should go,” Kame hums and takes the mouse from Jin, scrolling down the website. “It looks really cool.”
“Yeah, at some point,” Jin agrees and turns his head to kiss Kame’s cheek. “Just not right now.”
Kame keeps scrolling the web page and avoids looking at Jin’s face. “You wanna go to Easter Island?” he chatters. “Or Machu Picchu, it looks really cool, doesn’t it?”
Jin hums in agreement. “Do you want to go?” he asks Kame, because Kame is his boyfriend and he seems quite interested. Kame shakes his head and smiles a bit.
“I don’t think that’d be a good idea right now,” he tells Jin calmly. “It could be good if you went, though. Take a little break, you know. You’d get to travel, the paparazzi would maybe get bored of trying to sneak up on me so much, we’d both get a little breather. You’ve been saving plenty of money, you could afford a little trip. I told you I’m fine with you going off.”
“I don’t want to go right now,” Jin says decisively and closes the browser. He stands up and turns to Kame who stares back at him calmly. It’s creepy. “I think it’s better for us to not go off running around right now.”
“You always say that,” Kame points out. “But that’s not you, is it?”
Jin groans. “What do you mean? Of course that’s me. It’s my decision.” He closes his laptop. Kame looks like he’s fighting really hard to accept something Jin doesn’t even see.
“I feel like you’re caging yourself for me,” he admits. “Staying situated like this, it’s not what you really want to do. You’re making yourself.”
“Because I want to,” Jin argues, starting to feel a bit angry. “Don’t make it into a problem, Kame. You’re overthinking it.”
“There’s nothing bad about facing things,” Kame insists. “It’s not that you particularly want to constantly stay here, you just think that you need to be here for me. What am I even giving you for trying so hard?” he asks and laughs hollowly. “I make you feel awful, don’t I?”
“Of course you don’t,” Jin says loudly. “I’m not saying that this is perfect, because it isn’t, we both know that. But I still like it. I like this, I like us,” he insists. “So don’t you fucking dare say that I’m unhappy.”
“I’m not saying that,” Kame barks back. “What I’m saying is that you’re putting more into this than I can. I mope around and you just stay, you don’t go and see the places you want to, you deal with me hiding this because I’m ashamed of you, I haven’t even slept with you lately and I think we both know that you’re holding back-”
“So what!?” Jin roars. “It isn’t permanent! Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do!?”
“Tell me that you’re frustrated!” Kame yells back. “Tell me that I need to get my shit together, that this relationship doesn’t work!”
“Because at the moment you’re stressed?!”
“BECAUSE YOU CAN DO BETTER!” Kame rages. He’s panting and he looks scared. “Be honest with yourself,” he tells with a softer voice which makes it sound like he’s already given up. “This isn’t just here and now. We got over the high and this is reality.”
“You say it like it’s set in stone,” Jin snorts. “It’s not that black and white.”
Kame shrugs, but he doesn’t look even slightly convinced. “You made it sound so easy,” he tells Jin and smiles a bit. “All I had to do was ask you to stay. You made it so simple, like it was only about us. Truthfully, it’s not quite like that, is it?”
“You thought about it,” Jin reminds Kame. “You knew it, but you still told me to stay. I chose you over all the trips I could be making, and you chose me over your fears.”
It gets Kame silent. He’s thinking about it, recalling that night under the cherry blossom trees, and Jin hopes to God that he’s right and not delusional.
“It’s not just about fear, though,” Kame tells Jin. “It’s turning into a choice between you and everything else I have, and really, it shouldn’t be this hard to choose.”
Kame wants it all, and Jin wants him to have it all. Maybe that’s what tears at them so painfully - they’re both selfish and it doesn’t always work in their favour. Jin wants the world and Kame wants the success. Whereas Kame is starting to come to terms with his final options, Jin refuses to stop postponing his own choice.
“Who says we can’t have it all?” he asks Kame and clenches his fingers around Kame’s biceps. Kame looks up at him, and then he trembles. Jin’s throat feels tight and painful. “People manage these things all the time and they come out victorious.”
“They aren’t gay, or if they are, they aren’t in Japan,” Kame sighs wearily and curls his fingers into Jin’s shirt. “…They aren’t stuck in Japan with a neurotic boyfriend when they could be in Machu Picchu.”
“Oh shut up,” Jin groans and pulls Kame’s lips into a kiss. “You clearly don’t see how much I love you.”
“I do,” Kame sighs hotly against his face and gives Jin a more urgent kiss. When he withdraws, he gasps “I just don’t think that it’s ideal for you.”
“Well, that’s not only for you to decide.”
Jin shoves Kame backwards until he bumps against the wall. His breath hitches as he lifts Kame up. As if by instinct, Kame’s legs wrap themselves around Jin’s hips and he sinks his fingers in Jin’s hair. Jin kisses his neck and hastily crushes their hips together, trying his best to set things in motion.
Maybe if they’d just stop building all these dams, they could relax and flow better. Their relationship feels self-destructive, and he isn’t quite sure how to counter all the negativity in the air. Kame moans and throws his head back, but his body is tense and the motion is an overkill that lacks authenticity. Jin grasps a hold of Kame’s wrists and presses them against the wall, trying to snap Kame out of it and maybe awaken the sexual desire Kame’s low mood has locked away.
Kame clings to him, and it’s hot and frustrating, but Jin doesn’t think the desire goes both ways. Eventually he curses and helps Kame’s feet back to the ground. “Jin,” Kame tries, but Jin takes a step back and fists his hands in an attempt to contain his arousal.
“Don’t fake it for me,” he tells Kame with a thick voice. “It’s okay to say no.”
“You fucking…” Kame steps forward to grab Jin’s fist and pulls him roughly closer. Jin tries to pull himself away but Kame’s grip holds him there. “How can I suddenly just do it if you aren’t doing it right?”
Jin’s ego falters a little. “What?” he asks, feeling a bit defensive. Kame pulls him closer to the wall and wraps his arms around Jin, making his heart jolt dangerously. Kame tilts his head and presses a soft kiss on Jin’s lips.
“You’re too aggressive,” Kame murmurs and leans back against the wall, pulling Jin forward from the belt loops of his jeans. “It’s hard to desire you if you’re angry.”
“I’m not,” Jin tries to insist, but he isn’t exactly sure about it. Kame presses a wet kiss on his clavicle which makes him push forward and gasp. Then Kame’s hands slide to his back and cup his butt.
“Don’t force it,” Kame tells him and buries his face in Jin’s shoulder. “It’s like you’re trying to make it fail. It’s not exactly encouraging.”
Jin gulps, and yes, maybe he can see Kame’s point. He rubs Kame’s arms gently and snuggles against the man’s nape. He can smell his perfume, the almond fragrance. It makes his mouth water a little. Kame’s fingers softly squeeze his butt and Jin’s hips thrust forward a little.
“Lift your head,” he tells Kame who does as he’s told and faces Jin again, so close that Jin can feel his breath on his face. Jin kisses him, over and over, and then it builds up and gets less awkward. Kame unzips his jeans and Jin shakes them off, feeling breathless and hot. When Kame’s legs are bared as well, the man raises his leg, brushing it against Jin’s. Kame’s hand guides Jin’s to his thigh for support, and then there are warm legs around Jin’s hips and he drowns, feeling a healthier and less bitter desire rushing down between his legs.
For some time, everything is alright. They cling to each other, sated yet affectionate, and Jin makes them both tea that they can drink while they cuddle on the couch half-naked and hormonal like hell. The TV is on, blasting some kind of chef competition show that Kame can appreciate for the food and Jin for the drama.
“I love you,” Kame tells him after they finish laughing at a stupid joke in English from the internet that Jin felt like cracking (“What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I’m stuffed!”). Jin feels a desperate yet somehow content anxiety spreading in his chest.
“I know,” he answers Kame softly and kisses his shoulder. “Thank you.”
-3-
They never verbally agree to stick together - what should maybe have been goodbyes turn into promises to be right back and eye contact to glue the other firmly in place. Jin’s solitary trip to Iceland turns into a shared adventure where he’s accompanied by Kame’s silly laughter and typical Japanese tourist styled photographs where Kame ends up stealing the attention from the gorgeous country itself. The photograph of the geyser for instance - on the background the boiling, steaming water rushes upwards out of the frame and Kame pulls on his beanie with both hands, looking up with his face screaming awe and body exhilarating fear. “Those things can boil your skin off you!” Kame insists when Jin teases him about it and he’s right about that so Jin can’t argue.
They take a bus to spend one day in Blue Lagoon because Kame really wants to go. Jin isn’t too into the idea - no one sane wants to strip their winter gear off to slip into water in the middle of winter, but there are things he’s prepared to do to keep his companion happy. Surprisingly enough, it isn’t even all that bad. Kame tells him about the water temperature (“it’s around 40°c all year round”) and spreads mud on his face, amusing Jin beyond belief. Jin’s ears get cold pretty fast, but the water is steaming and admittedly relaxing, and Kame’s health freak is showing which is quite relieving, considering the way he used to live back in Japan.
It doesn’t take Jin long to decide that the nature in Iceland is impressive even by his standards, and that he should definitely come back sometime when it’s warmer and greener. Kame seems to be enjoying himself as well, even when Jin pulls him for a break from his nature wonders and they hang out in a cosy town near Reykjavik. It all feels so natural that there are times when Jin forgets that they haven’t seen each other in years and they aren’t lovers by any means, not at present, no matter how much he wants to pull Kame into a gentle kiss.
Five days in their trip, they see the magical Aurora Borealis behind their hotel windows. They spend a lot of time snapping countless of photographs of the colourful waves up in the sky and freaking out in excitement together before the long day finally smothers their brains and forces them into their beds. Jin’s muscles ache faintly from all the walking - he might be in a relatively good shape, but he’s definitely starting to get a bit old. He’s not a young adventurer anymore - truth be told, he’s heading towards his forties, and apart from travelling, he doesn’t really know what he’s done with his life at all.
It is soothingly yet frustratingly quiet. Jin keeps looking at Kame’s silhouette - the outline of his back turned towards him. If he’d reach out with his hand, he’d never even grace his target with his fingertips.
Kame hasn’t told him when he’s leaving, and it makes Jin fear that every moment might just be the last.
Kame turns around, but Jin can’t see his face properly in the dark. He doesn’t stop looking, though. He’s sleepy and his eyelids are drooping, but it’s fine. He’s comfortable like this. It’s alright to stay awake for a tiny bit longer.
“Are you awake?” Kame asks with a quiet murmur. Jin blinks a few times. Yeah, he is. He licks his lips.
“Yeah.”
Kame hums quietly, acknowledging his answer before falling silent again. Jin wishes that he could see his eyes. Read his mind. Stop the time, perhaps. At this moment right here, he feels anchored. It’s not even an uncomfortable tie.
He curls his toes, feeling his consciousness slipping. Moments aren’t made to last, after all.
“Jin,” Kame calls out for him again, sounding a little frail. Jin forces his eyelids open again, feeling a bit disoriented.
“Yeah?”
Kame falls silent again. Jin can hear his bedcovers rustling - maybe he’s curling up. He had used to do that when something had been bothering him. It had been his little attempt to shield himself against the stress of the whole wide world that had always kept coming after him.
He lets out a deep sigh, feeling his eyelids drooping. It’s warm here, although it’s freezing cold outside.
Kame gulps. “Can I come over?” he asks with a hoarse voice. Jin’s adrenaline gland decides that it’s time to wake him up. His hands start sweating. What for?
“…Yeah,” he finally says, and it sounds a little shrill to his ears. Kame doesn’t get up immediately. Jin’s breathing hitches. Maybe Kame will take it back. And what if he doesn’t? What then?
It’s such a small bed for two people.
Kame stands up, his duvet childishly wrapped around him. It drags across the floor when he walks over to Jin, slow and hesitant, his bare feet nearly inaudible. Jin peers up at him breathlessly and almost wishes that he would turn around and go back. Almost, but not quite.
Kame sits down on his mattress. He isn’t looking at Jin again. Jin can make out his features a little better now that he’s closer. He doesn’t want to utter a word.
Instead, he wraps his arms around Kame’s belly and pulls him a little closer. He curls up, his nose pressing into the cotton of Kame’s pyjama bottoms peeking from under the silly duvet. He sees it from the corner of his eyes when Kame turns his head down to look at him, lonely and broken.
“I missed you,” Jin ends up murmuring before he can stop himself. “Every day.”
Kame’s next inhale is shaky. His presence assaults Jin’s senses. He feels overwhelmed and crushed by everything he’s taking in and processing. It’s making his body shudder weakly.
Kame’s fingers brush his hair off his face. His touch is soft and it lingers in the strands of his hair thoughtfully. Jin squeezes him a little tighter. His world is quaking but Kame’s presence is firm and steady.
Kame gently pushes him up towards the end of the bed again and there he is, spread out under the silhouette of the man he loves. Kame climbs on top of Jin but leaves Jin’s duvet between them. Jin’s breathing hitches at the heavy weight and some of his blood rushes down instinctively.
A faint whiff of almonds floods Jin’s nose. Ah.
There’s a heavy weight against his neck as Kame snuggles closer to him. Jin can’t see his face but his body is rigid. First it just feels awkward, like some strange creature climbing up him. Then, after a few nervous breaths, he wraps his arms around Kame’s toned shoulders and holds on, eyelids sliding shut like drawn curtains.
It gets a bit hot. Kame keeps shuffling on him. First Jin thinks that he’s just uncomfortable - then he realizes that maybe Kame’s just grasping for him desperately. His breaths are labored and he keeps curling up against him, hips pressing closer and then withdrawing again. Jin’s breathing hitches a bit. Heat spreads through his body and his hands shakily slide down Kame’s back. It can’t be wrong.
A teary whimper right beside his ear makes him shudder. Kame’s hand weakly curls around Jin’s hair, brushing his temple on the way. Jin’s heart is beating loud and clear as he removes his hands to get rid of the thick blanket between them. One will be just fine.
Kame has an erection and Jin isn’t exactly the softest he’s ever been. He hushes quietly at Kame’s shuddering and wraps his arms and legs around him, drowning in the closeness wave after wave. Kame’s lips are damp against his neck, brushing but not daring to kiss. Holding back must be driving him insane.
“Kame,” he sighs, happy, anxious and aroused in all the good and bad ways. Kame’s other hand finds its way to Jin’s hair too, grasping, stroking and tugging. His breaths are labored against Jin’s ear, turning him on and on and on. Jin’s hands snake under the man’s t-shirt, feeling him up, finding the memorable, miniscule nipples and then brushing around the chest, navel and back. There’s more hair than he remembers, and maybe a bit more fat and less muscle. Kame’s changed, but he’s still soft and alluring.
When Kame finally raises himself up a little, his head is lowered and face shielded by his hair. Jin glances at his parted lips. Kame looks so uncertain it hurts, but Jin isn’t really sure about this either. Maybe if they were on a same page he could just ease into it, let it lull him into sleep, but with so much going on and no guarantee, no explanations…
Kame sighs and turns his face away a little when Jin runs his hands up his back. When he gets closer to the shoulders, he dares to run his nails across the smooth skin. Kame’s hips buck a little instinctively.
Jin pulls him lower until their noses are touching. He can finally see Kame’s eyes. They’re clouded. It looks like he’s battling with himself.
“It’s alright,” Jin murmurs softly and gives Kame a tired smile. He doesn’t know what’s alright, but he feels like Kame needs him to say it.
Kame blinks rapidly a few times. His eyes look slightly glossy in the dark and he gasps brokenly. Jin pulls Kame’s shirt off, cups his face and kisses him. Then he kisses him again. It’s sweet and shaky, but it’s alright. Kame kisses him back urgently and it’s all slippery, quick and wet with varying depth.
Jin rolls his body somewhat to the side and guides Kame down beside him. One tear runs down Kame’s cheek. His hands never leave Jin’s hair.
“I can’t just pack up my things and wander around the world with you. That isn’t me,” he tells Jin quietly. “I have a good life now.”
It hurts. Jin draws in a shaky breath and breaks the eye contact. Maybe that’s why Kame had never called. Even now there are things Jin just can’t offer him.
Kame’s right hand slides down to cup Jin’s cheek. “Jin,” he calls out for him, forcing him to face him again. “...Maybe sometimes. Vacations. Affordable weekend trips.”
It’s so hard to breathe when he’s so confused. “I don’t know what you mean,” he complains with a thick voice. “Is that a yes or a no? What is it? I don’t know what you want.”
Kame grimaces, his eyes shifting around. Jin’s eyes, lips, hair, shoulders, eyes again. Jin’s fingers tighten around the man’s hip. “You, maybe,” Kame tells him and then he’s looking down again at Jin’s neck, shoulders, anything but his eyes. “As much as you can give me.”
The past years flash before Jin’s eyes. Turkish bazaars, New Year’s raisins in Portugal, Oktoberfest in Germany, people walking on the streets in their pajamas and slippers in the outskirts of Morocco. Then there’s Kame again, waiting quietly for his response. His lips are swollen and tiny lashes glued together by moistness.
“You make me sound so bad,” he scoffs. “I can take breaks and visit if you give me somewhere to come to.”
Kame chokes back a cry and tugs Jin towards him roughly from his hair. Jin lets his eyes slide closed to contain his overwhelming emotions. Kame’s laughing with a relieved voice and his hold reminds Jin of steel.
He hasn’t been the only one walking around with a broken heart, he assumes and melts into Kame.
-1-
After getting his heart broken, Japan becomes lonelier. It’s a bit strange how Tokyo can be so full of people, no one quite the same, yet he feels like he’s looking at it all through a thick veil. He quits thinking about women and men completely and lazes around with his friends. To his surprise, he even starts jogging with his family’s dogs. It feels like a premonition for leaving.
The air is getting warmer as spring begins to bloom. When Jin wakes up on a Sunday morning, he takes care of his laundry and groceries before meeting his brother Reio and his long-term girlfriend Yuri at an Italian restaurant for dinner. In the evening, he joins Yamapi for drinks.
Kame hasn’t called for a week, and even the few rare calls before have been dialled by Jin. Yamapi buys him plenty of whiskey and tells him that it’s time to stop forcing it. He makes Jin go through good deals for plane tickets to different destinations that he’s printed from a variety of websites. It’s quite touching that Yamapi’s gone to this extent to cheer him up and get him back in shape, even if it means him going off again. Yamapi’s used to it by now.
Surprisingly, he’s not particularly drunk when they leave the bar. They’ve both got work the next day - Yamapi has his typical nine to five schedule to keep up and Jin’s got a morning shift at the shop starting from seven. They part ways at the metro station, departing with different rides.
Jin gets off the metro a few stops early and decides to have a walk. It’s not even midnight yet and the weather is lovely - no rain to soak, and the wind is soft rather than assaulting. There are still a good amount of people out at this hour - co-workers drinking and having late dinner together, teenagers slouching around and such. Jin doesn’t mind. Here in this somewhat chilly night air, he feels completely alone.
He thinks about maybe going to Peru or Chile, somewhere warm and different. Yamapi might be right - he doesn’t honestly feel like he’s achieving much by staying here. He’s starting to get tired and sluggish, uninspired by the same old things day after day. He had come here to try out love, and although he had run headfirst into it, things hadn’t worked out like he would’ve wanted them to. It might be time to step into another adventure.
The street is lined with cherry trees. Jin chuckles to himself darkly - is it a sign for him, some higher power urging him to go? He stops under one of the trees and looks up in a tired haze.
It’s been awhile since he’s enjoyed the cherry blossom season in Japan. The soft pink petals look tenderer than he can recall. It’s a welcome sight, even if it makes him more aware of his own loneliness.
He’s being such a girl. Not that a bit of femininity would be an entirely negative thing per se. It’s just that it hurts.
He follows a petal that falls off the tree in the wind and flies away. There’s a tiny tea shop still open at the ungodly hour. Jin’s eyes fixate on the stylish man who steps out with a carton mug in his hands. He gulps, even though his mouth feels dry and the motion hurts. Kame.
The man starts walking on the street, but his eyes gently study the blossoming trees. Then he spots Jin standing under one of the trees and he freezes. They stare at each other, both of them feeling a little bit shocked. Time stands still. Suddenly Jin hears the sound of the people still awake much clearer.
Jin wonders if Kame will just walk away. He probably wants to, he’s been avoiding Jin after all. Jin looks down at his feet and starts slowly walking again, giving him the opportunity, even if it makes his chest feel like it’s being ripped internally.
Hurried steps follow him until Kame catches up. “Evening,” he pants, and Jin wonders why he didn’t just go. He looks up at Kame, not sure if he should be happy or annoyed. Judging by the look in Kame’s eyes, he’s not the only one who doesn’t really know how to act.
“Evening,” Jin echoes. And then, unable to hold himself back, “Don’t you have better things to do?”
Kame looks a little hurt. “Not right now,” he says. “Unless that was a discreet way to say ‘fuck off’.”
Jin wonders if it was. Probably yes, but just because he’s acting prissy and self-centred again. His actions feel justified, though - Kame’s the one who’s only thought of himself for a long time now. It’s about time he got a taste of his own medicine.
“I’ve been busy,” Kame tries to explain. “I got back from a work trip yesterday and I spent today in the studio. It’s been a bit hectic.”
Jin’s face morphs into an unhappy smile. “You don’t have to explain, you know. I’d just preferred it if you would’ve been more straightforward with me.”
Kame looks guilty, and Jin knows he’s hit the spot. It doesn’t mean that Kame would’ve been lying - he probably has been busy, Jin can understand that. Though there’s just no way that he would’ve been so busy that he wouldn’t have reached out on his own for weeks now. There would’ve been time for at least one text but no. That was Kame’s choice, not his overbearing schedule.
“I know,” Kame says quietly, and he sounds genuinely regretful. Jin feels his muscles slowly relaxing. It’s not like a detox - the negative feelings inside him don’t all fade into thin air. Instead, they crawl under a thick blanket and go for sleep to be dealt with at another time.
They walk in silence, slow steps carrying them ahead, and Kame stays.
A lonely petal slowly falls on Kame’s shoulder and stays there. Kame doesn’t seem to notice it, but Jin does. When Kame looks up at the blooming branches up and around them, Jin’s chin is tilted down to study it at close proximity against Kame’s bright red design jacket.
Kame takes a long sip of his lemon flavoured green tea. Jin finds it strange how physically Kame can be right next to him, almost brushing, yet in some odd sense of reality he’s unreachable, situated somewhere far, far away.
Then Kame turns his head to look at him with a tired smile. His make-up is starting to wear off after the long day so that Jin can catch the darkness under his eyes. Jin picks up the cherry petal, making Kame’s eyebrows jump up nervously. He brings it in front of his face, holding it between his fingers, and inspects it carefully.
“Silky,” he comments and grins at Kame a bit. “Ahh, it’s been a while since I’ve seen these.”
“You’re planning to leave soon, aren’t you?” Kame suddenly drops the bomb. It strikes him a bit speechless, the way Kame just knows. Jin hasn’t told him about his plans.
He shrugs. “Probably,” he admits. “This isn’t really working out for me. This whole... This.” Kame knows what he means. Finding someone, forming bonds. He’s too caught up on Kame to even bother really trying. He’s already come to terms with the rejection. There aren’t any good reasons to stick around. Maybe some space would do him some good.
Kame licks his lip and looks down at his feet. Jin feels sorry for him, but it’s not like he can help Kame. They’ve talked about this already. There’s nothing more Jin can do for him, even if Kame might actually like him and miss him when he leaves.
He still doesn’t know whether Kame had just wanted sex or if there had been something more to that night. He has his suspicions, but no way to prove them if Kame doesn’t let him.
When Kame raises his head again, it’s turned away from Jin and he has a tense and somewhat angry look on his face. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know,” Jin admits. “Still looking.”
“Hmm,” Kame hums and turns to look at him again with a sharp gaze. “Will you be back?”
“I have family here, you know,” Jin snorts. “Yeah. I don’t know when, but I’ll be back. We can meet up if you want. I don’t mind.”
“Don’t mind…” Kame laughs with a hollow voice and squeezes his tea cup so hard that it loses its shape and spills on his hands. Kame lets out a sharp breath and switches the cup to his other hand and dries his hand in his jeans. “Shit.”
“What do you want me to say?” Jin snarls at him because really, it’s not fair. “I don’t know what you want, okay? I can’t just read your mind.”
“I know that,” Kame snaps at him. Then he seems to realise how angry he’s been and he calms himself down, fixes his posture and drops the rest of his tea in the nearby bin. “It’s not you, it’s me, right?”
Jin crushes the petal in his fist. This isn’t fair. It just isn’t.
“Sorry,” Kame sighs, looking a bit beaten. “It’s… I’ve had a long day,” he tries to excuse himself. Jin nods. “I’ve just enjoyed having you around, that’s all. I know I’ve been an ass and I regret that, I really do. I just wanted to say that.”
“I’d stay for you, you know,” Jin tells him. Since they seem to be coming clean now, he might as well spit his own bitter thoughts out. It’s only fair. “I would. But if I can’t make you… If you just want to continue this, then I can’t. I have better things to do.”
Kame’s fuming. At first it’s all directed at Jin - a blazing stare that tries to break him into insignificant particles. When it turns to self-pity, Jin feels the heat coming off.
“Just ask me,” he tells Kame. “No one’s listening to us. It’s fine. No one around us cares, okay? It’s up to you. You’ve just got to decide, goddammit. It’s been up to you for a while now already.”
“You’re delusional.”
“Then this is settled, isn’t it?” Jin barks back at him. “Then we don’t have to argue over this.”
Kame licks his lips and throws his head back, looking at the cherry blossoms again. Jin opens his fist and lets the petal that had sat on Kame’s shoulder fall to the pavement.
“Stay,” Kame sighs quietly. He looks beaten and tired like he would’ve given up a long battle against an opponent way beyond his league.
“Huh?” Jin stares at him stupidly. Then he starts feeling a bit angry again. “If you’re being half-assed…”
“Jin, we’re in public,” Kame reminds him and turns to look at him with those sharp eyes of his again. There’s warmth behind his gaze, though, something sweet and honeyed. “…Stay.”
And maybe it really is that simple. Jin feels like a sizzling, hissing, hot and bright firework would’ve been set off somewhere inside his skin. Another cherry blossom petal falls on Kame without him noticing, this time right on top of his head.
“I will then,” he promises and sweeps Kame off his feet for good.
-2-
They don’t see much of each other for weeks. Kame gets paranoid about paparazzi and he has to go for another work trip. Jin watches the live footage from the TV at his parents’ house with a big bowl of Ben & Jerry’s and notes that Kame’s dyed his hair auburn without mentioning it to him. The colour brightens his look up a little, but seeing the pit developing between them makes Jin feel utterly miserable and lonely.
Instead of spending all of his time moping though, he decides to get some things done. He finishes writing one of the songs he’s been working on for months and tests it out at an open mic bar with his guitar, accompanied by a few friends. He gets a thick bunch of photographs developed and buys a new album for them, and since he’s out already, he stops by at a travelling agency and picks up a couple of leaflets for future reference.
Living at his parents’ place for some time has its pros and cons. Pros are mainly the food - his mother is a hell of a cook. The cons also happen to include his mother. He spends an entire afternoon helping her out with a new winter launch for her dog clothing line. They struggle to put the clothes on the overly excited animals and try to keep them still enough for a photograph that she could include on her website, which Reio had helped her set up. Once they’re done, he’s covered in the dogs’ saliva and feels a little bruised. The dogs spend two days following him around the house, almost tripping him, still expecting him to carry around treats they could frequently get for any simple commands such as “make way”.
Kame finally calls him one evening when he’s working on his photo album. “Hi,” he greets him giddily and puts him on the speaker with a smile on his face. He smears glue on the backside of a photograph where Kame is standing in front of his bathroom mirror with wet hair and only a towel around his hips. He’s applying perfume, and his face glistens from his moisturiser, and although his vanity is quite hilarious, Jin finds the photograph lovely.
“Hi.”
“Are you back?” Jin asks him excitedly, feeling really clingy after all the weeks of painful missing. He understands that it makes him a bit pathetic, but Kame had never really minded that, being a bit emotional and indulgent himself. He picks up another photo from the pile, one where Kame is grinning to the camera lazily from his bathtub. It makes Jin feel a little hot.
“Yeah,” Kame croaks, and he sounds a bit out of it for some reason. “Yeah, I’m back. Got back this morning.”
“Did you have fun?” Jin chatters and hopes that the trip didn’t wear Kame out too badly. Sometimes talking helps though, and Jin wants to be the person Kame can call when he needs a simple way to ease some of his anxiety away. “Your team won. Must’ve been awesome, seeing that from good seats and all.”
“Yeah, it was,” Kame agrees absently. “Jin, I need to talk to you.”
Jin doesn’t think there are six other words he’d be less delighted to hear.
“What’s up?” he asks worriedly and glues the photograph next to the previous one. His chest feels tight, and he doesn’t really know what to do. Suddenly he’s straining himself to pick up what’s going on with Kame, if this is bad or good or what. He really doesn’t know.
“Come over?” Kame asks him, and he sounds really out of his game. “I’d like you to take your passport with you, okay? And some bags.”
“I need to pack?” Jin asks confusedly.
“No, just take some bags,” Kame groans. “And your passport. I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” Jin asks, and he feels really numb and scared. “Kame? Are we going somewhere?”
“…Just come over,” Kame says quietly, and then he hangs up. Jin stares at his phone stupidly for a moment before shooting up and trying to redial Kame whilst he pulls out two of his hand luggage bags, passport and wallet.
Cruelly enough, Kame decides to be a jerk and not answer him. Before rushing out of the room, Jin slams the photo album shut and shoves it on his shelf with the rest. When he’s making his way through the corridor, the family dogs keep jumping against his legs and his mother comes out of the living room with a cup of tea in her hands.
“Where are you going?” she asks confusedly. Jin pulls his jacket and shoes on.
“Kame called.”
“And you need all of that to go and see him?”
Jin shrugs. “I guess. Look, mum, I’ll see you later.” He pulls the front door open and then he turns around. “Can I borrow your car?”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll go and get the keys,” she says and walks off somewhere. Jin waits, agitated, and tries to call Kame again. There’s no way the man wouldn’t notice his calls, and it doesn’t seem to predict anything good.
“Don’t wreck the car,” his mother warns him when she hands over the keys. Jin promises not to and his mother helps him with the bags. When he drives off the curb, he has to turn the radio on just to let the music steady himself and help his mind focus. He doubts he’s in the right mind-set for driving.
Luckily for him, he doesn’t royally screw up on the road and get himself into an accident. He manages to keep his head reasonably cool and drive over to Kame’s place in record time. He looks up at the tall building which he hasn’t gotten to see in weeks. He never stops on his tracks, though. He takes his bags, locks the doors and starts heading inside, worried about Kame.
When the front door to Kame’s apartment opens, Jin has to fight himself not to lunge at Kame and crush him. He pushes in, closes the door and leaves his bags at the entrance. Kame backs away a bit, giving him space. His arms are crossed, and he looks alarmingly apologetic.
“What’s up?” Jin asks him, feeling a little breathless. “You sure know how to make someone freak out over the phone.”
Kame looks a little speechless - it’s like he’d know what he has to say, but wouldn’t be capable of getting the sounds out. He forces himself to let his arms fall to his sides. Jin walks over to him and kisses his forehead.
Kame draws in a pained breath and closes his eyes.
“Did you bring your passport?” he asks Jin. Jin nods as an answer. “Can I have it?”
Jin hands it over warily. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asks, not particularly fond of Kame’s withdrawn behaviour. “Did you snap? I need to know. Where are we going?”
“You have a friend in Spain, right?” Kame asks him and strolls to his kitchen where he takes a seat in front of his laptop. Jin walks over to him, getting more and more agitated. “Someone for support.”
“Yeah. In Barcelona,” he tells Kame. “I have people here and there, really. Are we running from something?”
“No,” Kame says with a strained voice. Then he finally just stops and looks at Jin. Jin studies his gaze, unable or maybe just unwilling to put the pieces together. It’s slowly starting to dawn at him and he’s trying to keep it at bay, but with things moving this fast, he doesn’t think he can run for much longer.
“Then what?” he asks numbly.
“…You should go alone,” Kame tells him softly, and he looks so damn sorry that Jin’s stomach sinks. Jin shakes his head.
“No. Why?” he demands to know. “Give me my passport.”
Kame doesn’t. He squeezes the little booklet with white knuckles. “It’s for your own good,” he says calmly. “I’ve been thinking about things, I really have. I think it’s time we came to terms with it.”
“You’re breaking up with me,” Jin says with a shaky voice. “You’re just going to ship me off like unwanted goods.”
“Do you want to stay?” Kame asks him sharply. “If I break up with you, you’ve got no other reasons to stay here any longer. I’m trying to help you, because I don’t think you should be alone.”
“I’d have a perfectly good reason to stay,” Jin argues angrily. “I’d stay to convince you that what you’re doing is really stupid!”
“No, me sacrificing everything that I have for you like this is ridiculous,” Kame tells him determinately, raising his voice. He feels a bit guilty after blurting it out so straightforwardly. “I care about you, it’s not that,” he tells with a softer voice that’s probably meant to calm Jin down, but it only hurts him more. “It’s just that having you requires too much from me. I can’t make that sacrifice. I just can’t. It wouldn’t make me happy, Jin. I’d end up miserable, and I doubt that’d make you happy either.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Jin laughs hollowly. “It doesn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Kame says, and he really looks like he means it. “It’s not easy for me either.”
“Which is why you’re planning to ship me off almost to the other side of the world,” Jin accuses Kame bitterly. “You aren’t doing it for me.”
“I’m doing it for both of us,” Kame argues. “I don’t think it’d do you any good to stay here and see me on television either. There are quite cheap tickets to Spain right now, it’s not really travelling season. Look-”
“NO!” Jin rages and slams Kame’s laptop shut furiously, not giving him the chance to show him how wonderfully affordable tickets he’s found for Jin. “I am NOT going,” he spits, feeling really shaky and scared. “Do what you want, but I am not boarding that plane! This is a fucking stupid idea, Kame!”
“Jin,” Kame tries but Jin shakes his head, refusing to listen.
“You are not the only person in this relationship! You’re just trying to get the easy way out and it pisses me off! You aren’t even giving me a chance to work on this, to see if we can make this work-”
“Jin, we already tried,” Kame reminds him anxiously. “Trust me, I’ve thought about it. I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking about it, but there is no solution. This is the only solution.”
“Sure, you’ve thought about it,” Jin laughs in a demeaning way and kicks a chair over, just because he feels so fucking enraged. “Like you’d actually give a shit about anyone but yourself!”
“I LOVE YOU,” Kame roars back at Jin and stands up, refusing to be intimidated by Jin. His eyes get instantly glossy and his lips quiver in a way that makes Jin shut up. “I’m not doing this because it’s easy,” Kame continues with a trembling voice. “I’m doing this because I have to.”
A comeback doesn’t come to Jin. Instead, he feels his will crushing. For a moment, he feels unanchored. He stares at Kame with wide, pained eyes and grits his teeth together.
“I’m not going,” he tells Kame again. He tears his gaze away hesitantly and looks around the room. There are plastic bags filled with his belongings lined up against the wall. He doesn’t know how to cope, so he does the only defence he can when it comes to unpleasant situations.
“I am not going,” he repeats shakily and turns around on his heels and heads to the living room. He crushes on the couch, determined not to move anywhere before Kame changes his mind. He turns the TV on, partially to spite Kame and partially to give himself something to focus on in order to block out the awful feeling spreading in his chest.
Kame doesn’t follow him. Jin tries his hardest to focus on the television, but it’s impossible. He keeps switching channels, just to do something with his hands, but all he can do is focus on the sounds Kame is making in the kitchen. Typing, printing, getting his bags from the entrance and starting to pack them. He hugs a pillow against his chest and feels his life crumbling away. Not knowing what is going to happen to him eats him away. Not knowing what he wants to happen to him is even worse.
The sound of some girl band’s performance on Music Station doesn’t drown out the sound of Kame’s footsteps making their way into the living room. Jin doesn’t turn his head. His stomach is churning and he really doesn’t want to deal with this.
Kame stops next to him and slowly sets a plain envelope on Jin’s stomach. Jin refuses to move, his eyes glued to the screen. Kame kneels down next to the couch and glances at the TV as well. They stare at it in silence for a while, and then Kame tries to take Jin’s hand into his, but Jin pulls it away.
“Don’t,” he grumbles and has to blink back a few tears.
Kame gets the hint and he doesn’t.
“You’ll be fine,” Kame eventually tells him softly. “You know that, right?”
“I don’t feel like it right now.”
“You will,” Kame hums, and then he’s crying again, and Jin fucking hates that because Kame’s the one who broke up with him. He keeps his eyes glued to the totally uninteresting TV screen, but after a while he can’t help but drape his arm around Kame’s shoulders comfortingly and pull him a bit closer. It only makes the man sob harder.
“I fucking hate you for this,” Jin tells Kame, and his own voice is cracking and it sounds so utterly pathetic that he can’t stand hearing himself. Kame’s got his face buried in his hands and his shoulders are quivering, and no matter how much it hurts, Jin can’t not care about him.
He sighs and drops the envelope to the floor. “Come here,” he tells Kame and tugs him up. It takes him a moment, but eventually they both lie on the couch, Kame curled up in a quivering mess on top of Jin. Jin wraps his arms around Kame’s shoulders and feels moisture in his own lashes.
”You’re supposed to be happier,” he reminds Kame while he soothingly strokes his back. “That’s why you’re doing this.”
“I will be,” Kame swears. “Just not right now.”
It’s reasonable enough. Jin thinks of all the months they spent together, all the happy moments, and then he reminds himself that it hasn’t been all sunshine. He might’ve been fine with this, fine with all the problems and shit that’s been raining upon them, but Kame is not. Kame’s the one who’s got something to lose, and staying, Jin realises, is selfish and not in the favour of Kame’s well-being at all.
“You will be,” he whispers Kame and finally forfeits. Something inside him breaks and shatters into painful, prickling pieces. Kame doesn’t stop crying. “I promise.”
-3-
Even without the fluttering pink cherry blossom petals, Jin thinks that this place has its own personal charm during springtime. There are still tiny, dirty piles of melting snow here and there and the asphalt is wet with brown puddles and slush. In the tiny patches between the snow, through dead grass from the summer before, small yellow coltsfoot flowers are pushing out.
His feet get wet - there’s a hole somewhere at the bottom of his boot that lets water seep through. His socks cling to his skin and he grimaces and throws his duffel bag better over his shoulder.
The wooden houses come in many colours. They rise up, simple, clean and new. There’s a woman sitting on a terrace, reading a newspaper and having a cup of coffee while her two sons play on a little sandbox on the yard. One of the boys is rubbing sand in the other one’s hair. Jin’s mouth twists into a small smile and it takes him a moment to tear his gaze away.
He takes a turn to the right. A car drives past him - some old, red Toyota that could probably use a wash. His gaze shifts to a deep red house with a tiny terrace and leafless bushes lining up the way to the front door.
He walks up the short stairs with brisk steps and rings the doorbell. Then he waits.
There’s a bird singing somewhere, maybe moving back from the south. Jin turns his head, trying to find the source of the sound but failing.
The door opens and Jin’s head snaps to face forward again. Ah.
He hoists the sunny man in front of him up and kisses him, welcoming the familiar warmth that spreads through him and turns him into the owner of a berserk rabbit’s heart. Kame chuckles, his voice mellow yet vibrant in the tiny terrace, and Jin brushes his fingers through the thick locks of hair that frame his face.
“Jag är hemma,” Jin breathes into the man’s ear and presses their foreheads together. Kame tilts his head to lock their lips together.
“Välkommen, min kära.”
epilogue
Jin leisurely studies Kame’s travel guide to Åland in a seaside café in Mariehamn. It’s a warm day but the wind blowing from the ocean keeps him chilled, maybe a bit more than comfortably so. Kame sits opposite him, quietly enjoying his breakfast croissant and foamy cappuccino. He looks a bit bothered, probably by his ruffled up hair.
“Are we too old for motorcycling?” Jin asks Kame curiously and looks up from the book. Kame tilts his head, thinking about it.
“Probably. We could be in our prime age for sailing, though,” he suggests, studying the page. “If you’re fit enough, that is.”
“Hey, I’m older than you, I can’t help it if my muscle mass is receding a little,” Jin groans. Kame smiles at him with a softly amused expression.
“Eat your grilled cheese sandwich before it gets cold, won’t you?” he suggests sweetly, and Jin knows that it’s an insult that Kame thinks is smart and funny. He puts the booklet away and continues eating his greasy breakfast anyway, confident that Kame isn’t actually bothered by his weight.
The atmospheric seaside makes Jin feel nicely fluttery. He can hear ships blasting sound signals near the port, and there’s a lovely little boat harbour nearby that makes him wish he could afford one. The seagulls are loud among the clouds and pigeons are bloody everywhere on ground, hunting for whatever scraps of food people have left behind or feed to them. There’s a happy buzz of the public, which is madly amazing considering the size of the place. One of his favourite things, though, is having Kame with him for once. His boyfriend had managed to get a week off from his job as a radio channel announcer and had insisted on taking Jin somewhere for a brief vacation.
“You’re happy,” Kame notes when Jin’s sipping his coffee and sneakily tossing a few crumbs to a nearby pigeon. He looks up at Kame, feeling a little confused.
“Yeah,” he agrees, because Kame’s point on. “It’s a really relaxing place.”
“Hmm, it is,” Kame hums thoughtfully and nods, and for some reason his posture seems a little stiff. Jin is just about to ask him if something’s wrong when Kame makes eye contact with him and leans forward, looking pretty serious.
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you,” Kame admits, and he looks a bit nervous but not really in a bad way so Jin doesn’t know what to make of it. “I’m not really sure how to go about it, but I want you to not feel pressured, okay?”
“Okay?” Jin answers warily, starting to feel a bit fidgety in his seat. “You aren’t unhappy with me, are you?”
“No,” Kame denies quickly and then he’s smiling a bit again, and that’s much better, because if this would be about something bad he would definitely not have that look on his face. “Let me finish, won’t you?”
“Your monologues freak me out,” Jin admits. “I’ll try to zip it.”
Kame sighs and Jin’s pretty sure he’s annoyed him a little bit, but Kame lets it slip nonetheless. “What I wanted to say is that it’s not a requirement for me or anything,” he continues. “I never really thought about it much, to be honest, but lately I’ve been thinking that it might actually be nice, so I thought I’d give it a go and I hope that it won’t bother you.”
Jin hopes that Kame will one day grow to be a little less cryptic. It’s funny how neither of them have ever really been intellectually superior, but Kame makes him feel like a complete dumbass all the time.
Then Kame stands up and Jin gets really confused, because he can’t have finished his monologue yet. He furrows his brow and squints up at Kame, wishing that he’d be wearing his sunglasses because bloody hell, it’s kind of bright.
When Kame walks over to him, Jin’s brains start tickling a little. He kind of wants to scream for a timeout, because wait a second, no way. Then Kame kneels before him and a few people in the café catch sight of what he’s doing and ogle at them in a pretty disturbing way.
Jin wants to cry out a surprised “no way” that keeps looping itself loudly in his brains, but he has a feeling that it could get too easily misunderstood so he bites his tongue and stares at Kame with wide eyes. When Kame pulls out a velvet black box from his pocket, Jin regrets not realising the option before, because really, this would be so much less embarrassing if their roles would be reversed.
Someone whistles somewhere and Jin sees from the corner of his eye people pointing at them. He blushes scarlet before Kame even gets the question out. The man is wonkily grinning at him, clearly amused by Jin’s panicky discomfort.
“Akanishi Jin,” Kame breathes out and opens the box. Jin glances at the ring by instinct and makes a quick evaluation on Kame’s taste. The ring is simple, nice and practical - a graceful mixture of platinum and gold. “Will you marry me?”
A few teenage boys are making disgusted faces a couple of tables behind Kame’s back. Jin knows what his answer is, even if it’d be just to spite them, which it surprisingly isn’t.
They’ve never discussed this. Jin doubts it’s ever even remotely come up in a conversation, yet he understands Kame’s reasoning behind it. It isn’t necessary for them, nor is it a major spectacle per se. Jin doubts that it’s going to change their relationship at all. It’s about them, yet it isn’t. It’s about being comfortable in their own skin and leaving no rocks unturned now that they’ve come this far.
“Okay,” he mumbles, still sitting on his seat awkwardly. He turns to face Kame properly. His companion laughs and looks really embarrassed. Jin kicks his feet gently. “God, we’re too old for this, Kame.”
Kame removes the ring from the box and slips it in Jin’s finger. Quite a few tables are whistling and applauding. Kame stands up and leans down enough to give Jin a kiss to seal the deal. Jin doesn’t think he’s ever been this red in his life, and he’s done a lot of embarrassing shit throughout the years. Getting engaged in his fifties should not top the long list.
“Thank you,” Kame tells him with a soft voice. Jin thinks he’s the only one who can understand the true weight of his words and just how grateful Kame really is for him.
“Don’t mention it,” he hums and concludes that their patient love has always been meant to blossom.
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