"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."

I'm somewhat drunk & my will is weak & I want half a bagel & cream cheese. I've done so well today. Talk me out of it?

More and more I'm identifying with this memoir and its starting to worry me.

"If you both long for intimacy and fear it, if you feel unworthy of it and ill equipped to receive it and ashamed of yourself for wanting it, alcohol becomes a most useful tool, a way of literally drowning the conflict. Its a way of giving license to the part of you that ( Read more... )

I was going through old photos and found one of the few pictures that exist of me at my lowest weight. Its ironic that at my most beautiful I avoided cameras like the plague. I'm looking at this photo and can't help but think- why didn't I see how thin I was? How could I have possibly seen myself as fat? And how didn't everyone else see? My mom ( Read more... )

I did remarkably well. Sort of. Food-wise, I showed surprising self-restraint. By the way, can we discuss what a fucking stupid idea it is for college dining halls to be all-you-can-eat? I don't have the energy to rant about it now, but trust me: I totally will be later. Anyway, considering I had all of mankind's gluttony cast at my feet for me to ( Read more... )

I'm in tears because I know even if I get skinny again (I'm 5'9" and my low weight was 117.3) I'll still have stretch marks, so I'll still be ugly and everyone will still know I used to be fat.

...that all 5 of my roommates are skinny and beautiful.

Or maybe it does.

I made it to 9pm last night on only 230 calories, and then fucked up. Way to go me ( Read more... )

My username comes from the song "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley. Its painfully beautiful.

"Well your faith was strong but you needed proof-
you saw her bathing on the roof;
her beauty & the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to her kitchen chair,
she broke your throne & she cut your hair
& from your lips she drew the hallelujah...
Baby I've been here ( Read more... )

I created this to keep track of my weight loss progress. I have an eating disorder. This is all you need to know for the time being.