The box is empty. I once stored everything there that I did not want to deal with. Now it's all empty. Everything is empty. I exist, therefore I am.

Missing you today. The days we'll never have. Coming to terms with the things I didn't acknowledge about you. The days I didn't spend learning who you were outside of your mental illness. Longing for time to stop and let me go back. Let me try this again. Until I found the few entries you made in the notebook, I forgot the order....the lists. I ( Read more... )

So weird to find this journal and read my thoughts from the past. I started this thing 13 years ago and I can't believe the site is even still here. Life with my children, my ex(s), lovers, friends, work.....some of the people and places I don't even remember. 27 when I started this, and now here I am at 40. My life is much less dramatic, although ( Read more... )

What I like about LJ, is that there remains a certain amount of anonymity that you can't find with other sites, such as My Space. I found my children's names on the site and was suprised to find that I'm the mother of a 23 year old, 16 year old & 15 year old. To my knowledge all my kids are much younger than that ( Read more... )

It takes a lifetime to break the cycles. If only it were as easy as hitting the "install new upgrades" button. I haven't learned anything new, have only re-discovered the old. Trading old for new, only to realize its all the same ( Read more... )

Sometimes The Sisters of Mercy are the only thing that can click my soul into place. Music can do that for me. Like a Barbie fashion plate. I have different outfits (genres) that can be clicked into place. I think the heat is setting in. My fan is merely dispersing the heat ripples. I think of women of the plains. Those pre-colonial women in their ( Read more... )

I think I'm going through a pre-midlife crisis. My libido has shot up immeasurably. We're having sex multiple times a day right now. Berry is 8 years younger than me, so he's loving it. I have a secret fear that this is like a huge outburst of sexual aggression in preface to something horrible. What if I become someone who loses interest in sex ( Read more... )

How is it this man can suffer the blows and still remain? I am a fiend. No really. I am a freaking psychopath. You see through it all though. You know that under it all I don't know everything. I'm not in control of anything. I'm not casually taking it all in. I find myself waiting for you to enter the room. You bring animation to my life. To ( Read more... )

....at least it feels that way at times for a parent. I remember feeling the desire for freedom so strongly at his age. My "pre-teen". I remember the first twinges of resentment towards my parents then. Of feeling like a serf in the midst of a horrible monarchy. The beginnings of Revolution. My Revolution ran deep and strong. As an Aquarius I can ( Read more... )

There is still a stranger in my house. I believe he has no where to go and no money so he's milking it for all it's worth. Two more weeks possible and I'll be in my house. My little shack....of love. heh. I had to add that last part ( Read more... )