Holy fuck. What a crazy year this has rounded out to be. I saw my life as I knew it disintegrate around me in a flurry and a flash. All of my compensatory devices which kept the majority of my bad emotions from affecting me collapsed in a single blow and a broken heart. The first major broken heart I've had since fuck I can't remember... maybe 6-7 ( Read more... )

As I've gotten older I think I've lost a certain vision. The way the light cracks the air as it splits the dust past its path. Or in the wind as it heaves on the wood. To creak, and to moan. The scent of the cold on the sun-kissed skin at the nape of your neck. I can barely taste the memories that are left, dying right beyond the grasp of my ( Read more... )

I don't hope to be happy anymore. I would settle for just "okay".

So I'm 30 now. In many ways, I feel like I'm actually more like 40, or 50 even. Something is clearly wrong with me. I can't catch up to anything. I have no motivation. I do things out of a sense of obligation mostly. I'm supposed to do this, supposed to do that. But you might say, you should try doing things you actually want to do. Well I don't ( Read more... )

I can't wait to go hiking again in Colorado. If I don't get to go again this summer I'm afraid of a possible ensuing depression. Its sounds crazy doesn't it? I never hiked before I was in college and even then it wasn't until I had pretty much been done with it that I found myself walking the trails. I've never been a spiritual person. I've always ( Read more... )

Really that's what they should've named this thing, because it's really the only time I ever feel compelled to write in it.  I guess it's just one of my last means of emotional release.  It's funny how much one person can really affect you.  Last time this happened, I felt sad for maybe a couple weeks, lonely for longer, but back then I had the ( Read more... )

I feel sick. Not physically sick, too much, but rather I feel heart sick.  I would appreciate not feeling this way anymore. I wish I had a handful of painkillers to live off for a few weeks. It would be blissful.

Man April really is turning out to be what I was hoping for. I've been so happy recently. I can't really figure out why either. Maybe it's because I'm just excited about my trip but I really don't know.  It's just a general feeling of contentment.  Why can't we all be like this most of the time?

Do you ever feel like your brain is melting? Perhaps "melting" is the wrong term.  "Fragmenting" seems more appropriate I suppose.  I hate so much of everything right now.  Is it such a hard thing for me to get some kind of good in my life once in a while?  It seems like everywhere I turn shit is being flung right in my direction.  People are ( Read more... )

So I feel as though I am at a crossroads.  I am not depressed, but I feel so jaded with everything right now.  It's almost a physical pain. Disappointment reigns in and I just don't know how I am supposed to accept these things.  I do not want for much in life, but for the things I do it seems almost near impossible to attain.  Simply, I am worried ( Read more... )